Welcome to the first episode of The Real World: San Francisco. I'm sure that part of the reason Wing asked me to do this season is because I live in SF and she was probably hoping I'd be able to provide the insider's perspective. However, I rarely go anywhere, so unless you're interested in the insider's view of, say, my apartment, you might be a bit disappointed.
We open with every clichéd shots of San Francisco imaginable: cable cars, the Golden Gate bridge and twee houses in the marina. There's a voice-over of an unidentified man, who I will helpfully identify as Puck, saying that "messengers get a bad rep because they have to tell a car what to do." Actually, bike messengers get a bad rep because they pull stupid stunts like holding onto the wheel well of a car and coasting alongside it, as Puck demonstrates. More shots of reckless Puck riding downhill behind MUNI with no hands. Oh, that's smart. If there's any random person out on the street who's liable to be more insane than Puck at any given moment, it's a MUNI driver. Puck hazards a guess that nobody else in the house is going to be like him. Amen to that. But let me remind you that doesn't mean they will be any less annoying.
Credits.
Okay, so we start our journey today not in San Francisco but down south at the Amtrak station closest to Seal Beach. Amidst the floral backdrop of her room a blond perky woman informs us that her name is Cory. Her eyes are wide and her grin is super-big, almost as if her face had frozen in the midst of making the "troll face" that was ever-so-popular among the seven-year-olds in my day. Cory tells us that she feels "weird" because her life is going to change soon. Cory is a sheltered girl. You can tell because the producers shot her in a room so overly floral that my allergies are acting up just looking at it. Plus they show her family praying around the dinner table, although I bet God would appreciate it if they turned off the TV while they were talking to him. Shots of Cory looking pensive on the train in her ubiquitous striped top from Mervyns that just screams 1993. The Cory voice-over tells us that she's "worried about how [the roommates] will react to her." What reaction? Cory is as boring as canned milk. She also tells us that she hopes she will be "open" and accepting of her new roommates. That's important because the person we meet is...
...Pedro, who is at a going-away party with his family in Miami. People need to be open and accepting of him because he's gay and he has AIDS. I hope I didn't spoil that for you. Pedro is also worried about missing his family but, unlike Cory's family, I can understand why. He hugs everyone goodbye at the airport and then we see a shot of an airplane taking off. Pedro tells us that he's meeting another roommate at the train station in L.A. and that he has no idea who it will be. Hey, I do! To make it perfectly clear to the entire viewing audience, we see a shot of Cory on one of those new-fangled motorized walkways. She has never heard of the "stand right, walk left" rule and giggles self-consciously while apologizing as a harried businessman squeezes by. Pedro walks up to Cory in the train station and they introduce themselves. They make small talk while the confessionals let us know what they really thought of each other. I bet the producers are kicking themselves for casting Cory because the most controversial statement they can get out of her is that Pedro has pretty eyes. Pedro says that Cory was pretty much what he expected. He does not say if that is a good thing or not. Now we get a little more of Pedro's back-story: He came over from Cuba in 1980, and I don't know about you, but I've had just about enough of hearing about Cuba lately, so I'm just going to skip this part.
We're back with Puck now who tells us that he's at the pinnacle of his bike-messengering career. He also has a lot of scabs which I really didn't want to see. So, according to Puck, bike messengers are "revered" in San Francisco. He adds, "A lot of people all over the world pretty much know who we are and what we do." Well, yeah. Most people know what garbage collectors do, too, but nobody's lining up to take that gig. I'm just sayin'. His comments are interspersed with shots of him endangering his life and the lives of others some more. Puck lets us know that messengering is pretty dangerous (it is) but he has "no fear." Whatever controls our fear responses resides in the brain, right? There might be a connection there. Puck corrects himself saying that the only thing he fears is a car door. And from the special bike-cam we get a shot of a car door opening at very close range and the bike-cam is knocked ass over teacup. Sirens roar. Ruh Roh. Here comes The Man.
Back on the train, high on cocaine. Well, not really, but I wish I had a little pick-me-up to get me through these Cory scenes. Cory and Pedro are playing cards and when Pedro cleans her clock Cory actually says, "Oh my goodness gracious." See what I mean? Shit, maybe I should just slide some of Bolivia's GNP over to Cory. Pedro shows Cory the crucifix that belonged to his mother. His sister gave it to him for his trip. Aw, how touching. Moving on to the inevitable discussion about sex and relationships Cory tells Pedro that the longest relationship she's ever been in lasted about eighteen months. I'm literally shocked that anyone could stand her for that long. Cory returns the favour, asking Pedro if he left a "girlfriend" behind. Pedro asks her to repeat herself and Cory cashes in her ticket on the Clue Express and sputters out, "Girlfriend, boyfriend, whatever." "Whatever"? What does that mean? Beloved sock puppet? So anyway, we get to the Big Moment When Pedro Tells His Roommate That He Has AIDS. Jesus God, I'm going to have to go through this five more times. In a confessional Cory describes her reaction: "It was just like. 'No, not him.' I like this guy and I don't want him to suffer." Oh well great news everyone! I have it on good authority that the only people who should suffer are those Cory doesn't like. I'm sure I'll sleep better at night now. In a voice-over, Pedro tells us that every time he tells someone he had AIDS it's as hard as the first time, and that he's worried about how his roommates will react. I'm just glad he doesn't know anything more about his roommates, because otherwise he might give himself an ulcer.
Damn. I was looking forward to some fine Canadian commercials but Wing is super-efficient and cut them all out.
Hey Puck got arrested. Imagine that. He got arrested for failing to fulfill his obligations due to a prior drunk-driving conviction. I give a silent prayer to the fine men and women of the SFPD for not letting someone like Puck behind the wheel of a car.
we meet Judd from Long Island at the airport. He is waiting for another of the roommates, Rachel. She deplanes and they introduce themselves. We learn that Rachel is a recent ASU graduate. For those not in the know, Arizona State University is an ugly urban party-school located in a city hotter than Satan's sauna, populated by students drawn only by its reputation for "fun in the sun" and "cheapest tuition in the West." Rachel asks Judd what he does, and Judd says that he is a cartoonist, but we learn that he's not employed as one. Hey Judd, I think the phrase you're looking for is "aspiring cartoonist." I mean, I can figure skate, but that doesn't make me a figure skater. Because that would entail getting paid to figure skate. However, I'm guessing Judd calls himself a cartoonist because it's the only thing he's got going for him. Judd and Rachel are walking through the airport and I notice that Judd is carrying her bag for her. Rachel hopes that Judd is strong because she has a lot of luggage. I'm sorry? I missed the part where they told us exactly which royal family Rachel is descended from. Judd is loaded down with all of Rachel's crap minus the one small bag that she's carrying as they make their way to the Quake City shuttle. Because it's San Francisco. And we have earthquakes. Get it? For the record, everyone I know uses Super Shuttle. Rachel and Judd are happily ensconced in the van and on the Bay Bridge. Now I'm seriously wondering what airport they were at, because if they're on the Bay Bridge that means that they would have flown into Oakland, yet they're on the lower deck which means that they're headed towards Oakland. Judd and Rachel talk about how they're both going to need jobs, and Rachel says that she has "connections." This is the part where we find out that she's the token conservative; her connections are with the Republican party. In a confessional, Judd says that he feels "suckered." I bet that happens to Judd a lot.
Speaking of being suckered, Cory and Pedro are in a taxi now and Pedro is worried that they're going in the wrong direction. The cab driver pulls a fast one on them and tells them that there are many different ways to get where they are going. While this is true, none of them necessitate going OVER the Golden Gate and checking out the view of the city from Sausilito. They got bilked.
The missing roommate is Puck, who is getting off the elevator at the Superior Court building, which is called the Hall of Justice. That name always makes me think that Superman should be hanging out there, which would have been really useful last week when I had jury duty, since he probably could have used his super skills to make the fucking soda machine actually dispense the Coke I paid for. Instead I had Carol with her non-super non-skills, who wouldn't even refund my money. But I digress. Puck is wearing a t-shirt that looks like a BART ticket and I'm trying to see if there's something dirty written on it but I can't quite tell. Puck rides his bike down the stairs of the Hall of Justice (you have to read that in a big booming voice to get the full effect) and over to his place to grab a bag and kiss the dog goodbye. He bikes across town to his new digs.
Over at the house, Dudd is taking pictures of everyone and he actually has to separate Cory's ionic bond to Pedro so that he can get individual shots of each of them. Enter Puck. In a confessional Rachel tells us that she's never met anyone like Puck before. Count your blessings, girl. I'd just like to say that at this point in my notes I used "PU" to differentiate Puck from Pedro, but knowing what I know about the rest of the season, I think it's pretty fitting.
It's time for the contentious picking of the rooms and everyone tromps upstairs to check them out again. Predictably Cory wants to room with Pedro probably so she can tie a string to each of their pinkies at night so she never, ever has to be alone even for one second. Puck wants the single, but so do Pam and Rachel. In a confessional (at a bar -- how appropriate) Puck says that picking a roommate is a "big decision." Irony, who will be my constant companion, flicks a booger in my direction. Pam gets the single because she's a med student and Rachel didn't feel that she could argue for the room under those circumstances. It's good to see that her sense of entitlement has boundaries. Puck and Mohammed end up rooming together, while Pedro ends up with Dudd, and Cory and Rachel team up to get the bigger room.
We've only got a few minutes left in this episode but we have to sow the seeds for as much drama and conflict as possible, which is why it's time for Pedro to drag out the scrapbook that chronicles his work with AIDS education. Everyone is very supportive except for Rachel, who goes upstairs. In a confessional, Rachel says that none of her questions were addressed. Well, duh. When you don't ask questions you can't get mad that people don't give you answers. Rachel thinks that she couldn't ask any of her questions because the positive attitudes of the other roommates would have made her out to be a "bitch." No, Rachel, it's your own close-mindedness, not your timing, that makes you a bitch.