The roommates, sans Irene, go to the Santa Monica mall to shop for Irene and Tim's wedding present. It takes Tami twenty-five minutes to remember Irene's last name, but she finally does, which is more than I can say for the rest of the cast. Tami is impressed with the fact that the Macy's computerized gift registry will print out a list of all the items the happy couple covets. Um, is this the first wedding you've ever been to, Tami?
The cast berates the poor salesman at Macy's, who looks like Mackenzie Astin from The Facts of Life in a mustard-colored Century 21 blazer. I am so bored. If I wanted to watch people shop, I'd go to the mall, where, as I understand it, such things happen.
Dom chooses a set of beer mugs for the happy couple. I might just drop dead from the shock of that. Apropos of nothing, Tami hollers that she "went with the edible panties!" To quote Seattle David, thank you for telling me that.
Tami voice-overs that Irene has been planning the wedding ever since she moved into the beach house. And, indeed, we then are treated to several long, boring minutes of wedding plans. Note cards. Notebooks. Notes. RSVPs. Limo drivers. DJs. Caterers. NO ONE CARES. If I wanted to plan a wedding, I'd get married. Except I don't have a boyfriend. Fuck. Now I'm depressed. Fuck you and your wedding, Irene!
I start to drink.
Jon tells us that the last night Irene was in the house, she gave each of her roommates little buttons that reminded her of them. We see the group, without Beth, sitting around the kitchen table as Irene tells them that the buttons represent what she thinks of each of them. "Is this sarcastic?" Glen asks warily, reading his. "Of course it is," Irene snips. Glen reads his aloud. It says, "Stay Tuned: I Could Say Something Brilliant at Any Moment." Yes, that must be sarcastic, because the likelihood of Glen saying anything brilliant, ever, is equivalent to the likelihood that I will quit my job and go to work for George W. Bush, which is to say, about as likely as a lasting peace in the Middle East and a Lifetime Achievement Award from the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences for Carrot Top. "I don't know how to take this," Glen comments, as Irene gives Dom his button, which says, "What's Wrong? Is it My Hair?" Dom takes this junior-high-style ribbing with a good-natured grin. Jon's button says, "I may be getting older, but I refuse to grow up." He purses his lips and looks like he's going to cry, he's so touched by the fucking button. Tami laughs hysterically and slaps the table. Aaron's button reads, "It's Not Easy Being Cute." He laughs awkwardly. Tami gets her button last, and she bursts into maniacal, gleeful chortling when she reads it: "Someone Has to Be the Bitch." Well, Irene hit that right on the button, so to speak. See what I just did there? With the button, and that cliché about...did I mention that I've been drinking? I have been.
“ Tami informs us that Irene was the most stable person in the household. That's almost as good being the smartest girl at Clown College. ”
These Snickers "Pretty, Pretty Panda" commercials remind me of Alex Richmond.
Tami informs us that Irene was the most stable person in the household. That's almost as good being the smartest girl at Clown College.
Jon expositions that Saturday is Irene's wedding. Yip-freaking-yee.
Beth is scared, thinking about whom is going to take Irene's place. Yes, Beth S. is going to loooove Beth A., isn't she?
And Beth gets the calendar. She informs us that she's teased Aaron many a time about the possibility of his becoming a male model. Her friend flips through the calendar to get to Aaron's picture, and I have to watch that shot, like, twelve times to see if I know any of the guys she flips past. I think one of them might be my Literature of the Jazz Age TA. I can think of several men who went to UCLA at the same time I did whom I would like to see featured prominently in a beefcake calendar. You see, I had this little...hmmm, obsession is too strong a term. I had a little crush...Well, there was this guy, who played football, and -- you know what? Forget it, because when he and I finally do get married, I don't want him to know that I was only very slightly obsessed with him for five years and even considered...never mind what I considered. This conversation never happened. Let's get back to Aaron.
Jon, in the confessional, tells us that Aaron told him he would never stoop to something as cheesy as a calendar. Gotcha, Aaron.
Beth peruses the calendar and laughs gleefully.
Beth, Jon, and Glen go to Kinkos to get 200 black-and-white copies of the photo and the pièce de resistance -- two full poster-size copies. Beth acts patronizing to the Kinkos dude, and then tells us that having those copies made was best twenty bucks she ever spent. You wouldn't be saying that if you ever spent twenty bucks getting your brows waxed, Beth. Holy mono-brow, Batman!
Beth, Jon, and Glen tape the copies of Aaron's picture everywhere -- and I mean everywhere -- in the house: under the toilet lid, on the TV screen, inside the pantry, on the side of the milk carton, at the bottom of a shoe box -- everywhere. For once, the B/M soundtrack mavens make me laugh, as they have chosen the seminal early nineties hit "Rico Suave" to accompany this Xerox-taping montage. It's funny. I chuckled. It will never happen again, I swear.