Last week, David got the boot.
Dom plays Basil Exposition for a second, explaining to the camera that the roommates are going to interview three men, and pick one to be David's replacement. He wishes Bunim/Murray would make the choice for them, because he's not looking forward to grilling these three lads.
In his interview, Aaron wonders who he is to play God with these people's lives. Dude, you're not giving them brain transplants, you're picking a roommate. Aaron explains that he is uncomfortable deciding whether or not someone else is "worthy" of living with them, because...well, look at them (He said it. I didn't. I would have, but I didn't.) Aaron must have a hard time every year during rush week at Lambda Chi, because if interviewing a bunch of dudes and then deciding which of said dudes can hang with you isn't exactly what rush week is, then, well, I'm very confused about the Greek system.
Dom wonders if they ought to wear name tags during the interview. Aaron guffaws and suggests that when the first interviewee arrives, Dom ought to fake a seizure of some sort, and thrash around on the ground, and then he, Aaron, can run downstairs and "shove [his] wallet in [Dom's] mouth" and be all like, dude, this happens all the time! Dude, that's so fucking funny. Wanna do a keg stand? Duuuuuude! Dude. Totally.
In her interview, Irene snips sanctimoniously that Aaron "took it upon himself" to organize the roommate interview process. How dare he try to be organized, indeed!
Aaron thinks the potential roommates ought to meet the current housemates a few people at a time, so that they don't become overwhelmed. Tami thinks they shouldn't "baby" the potentials, because, after all, he has to live with all of them simultaneously, anyway. Beth sniffs that maybe they can just take turns asking questions. That is a better idea than screaming at each potential roommate all at once, yes. Beth is so in the running for a Genius Grant.
Tami explains that while Aaron wanted to talk to the potential roommates on a one-on-one basis, the rest of them talked him out of it. In the kitchen, Aaron is, again, obsessively cleaning an already clean stove top. Dude, OCD much? He sniffs sarcastically that they all ought to feel free to shoot down his ideas and not worry about his feelings at all. Everyone laughs at him.
Dom solemnly says that he also feels as though they are playing God with their potential roommate's life. Oh my God, people. It's The Real World. You're not deciding who gets your extra kidney.
Dom and Aaron talk on the porch. Dom seems drunk, and Aaron is eating something and talking with his mouth full, and therefore, I have no idea what they're talking about for the first few minutes of their conversation. Basically, I think, they're saying that everyone needs to be present for the entire interview process. Whatever.
Irene says that they are looking for a nice, outgoing roommate.
Beth says she's looking for someone who "won't kill [her] cat." No comment.
Tami laughs uproariously and chortles, through hysterical tears, that they just want to find someone who will fit in and not cause too much trouble.
Potential Roommate #1 -- Ed -- is dead in the water from the get-go. A very handsome African-American track star, who (to Aaron's great joy -- okay, and my own) trains at UCLA, Ed is very nice, polite, considerate and charming. The perfect roommate. Hence, he will never be chosen to live in the Real World house, as he has no serious socio-psychological problems. Ed, use your athletic skills and run, run far away from these people! Run! Run like the wind!
Aaron takes Ed upstairs to meet the rest of the nutjobs -- er, "roommates." Ed is from Brooklyn, he tells them, but now trains at UCLA (as we've already heard). Aaron and I squeal like little girls. Tami, in her interview, says that Ed was cute. Ed is very cute. Run away from Tami, Ed! Run! Run! Run all the way back to Brooklyn if you have to! Run!
Jon thinks it's cool that Ed is training for the Olympics.
Aaron tells Ed that "this dude [he] know[s]" is on the UCLA track team. Ed and Aaron bond over said dude.
Ed explains that he spends every day training. We see him running really, really fast around Drake Stadium, the track at UCLA. When I was at UCLA (you knew that was coming, didn't you?), I used to run at Drake Stadium, too. But it's very, very depressing when you're all slow and sweaty and unco-ordinated and gross, and these men and women are just zipping past you, completing, like, four laps while you are wheezing and crying and crawling to complete one. That's why I started running around the block, instead.
Beth asks if Ed has a girlfriend. He does. Tami glowers. Everyone laughs. Ed is very charming. I like Ed. Get out now, Ed. For the love of God, and all that is holy, Ed, get out. Leave me. Save yourself.
Dom explains that they have to interview two other people, and they'll call him later. Ed's cool with that. Handshakes all around. Run to the car and never come back, Ed.
Irene says Ed was a "warm person," and that it was "good" that he was an athlete. Why, I don't know. It's not like Irene is spending all day pumping iron and needs someone to spot her. Whatever.
Aaron likes Ed. Everyone likes Ed.
Potential Roommate #2: Kevin. Kevin is a little bitchy. Kevin would eat these people alive. Kevin, also, has no shot; he's too gay. I love him. Kevin tells the roommates that he is twenty-six, making him the oldest person in the room. Kevin has a very weird accent. He says he's from Queens, but he sounds like Madonna in her current British incarnation. Kevin works at a shelter for homeless kids. Kevin explains that he's been helping the homeless children of Los Angeles for three years, and that he's getting a little burned out. Tami, who tells Kevin that she works at an AIDS clinic (as she does, although we never see said clinic), can relate. Kevin obviously believes in giving to the community, which is another reason why he will never fit in with the Real Worlders.
Aaron asks Kevin if he has any questions about what they're "doing here," i.e. about "the project." Kevin asks whether any of them has said or done anything on camera that they've regretted. Dead silence, as everyone looks pensive. Flashback city, as we are treated to replays of each of the roommates yelling at one another: Aaron yelling at Jon, Jon yelling at Dom, Irene yelling at David, Beth yelling at her reflection in the mirror ("Why aren't you prettier, yet?!"), Tami just yelling. Aaron clears his throat and says they've had some personality conflicts.
My head hurts.
During the commercials, I watch synchronized swimming compulsory routines. Hee hee. You know all the synchronized swimmers are stoked that there now both synchronized diving and trampoline are medal sports in the Olympics, so they're not the butt of all the jokes anymore. I know it's silly, yo, but that synchronized shit looks hard to me. Stupid, but hard.
Tami explains that Kevin was not intimidated by "the situation." She chuckles, and explains that she and Beth and Irene all wanted to know if he was gay, but didn't want just to come out and ask him.
In her interview, Beth coyly says that she didn't want to out-and-out ask Kevin whether he was gay, so she brilliantly inquired if he had a "significant other." Oh, that is super-clever! Maybe Kevin will help you run your campaign for homecoming queen, Beth! If only you could find a way to outwit that devious Lila Fowler! Maybe you and Kevin and Bruce Patman can blackmail her!
Kevin doesn't take the bait, telling Beth that it's been "a very long time" since he's had "a significant other." Kevin is like the Ricky Martin of potential roommates, not letting anyone bully or trick him into talking about his sexual preferences. Go Kevin!
Kevin wonders who the roommates would eat first, if they were trapped in the house following a huge earthquake, and forced into cannibalism. I vote for Beth. Not because she looks tasty, but because she'd be quiet if she was dead. Oops, did I say that? The roommates look shell-shocked, but amused by the question. Aaron says he'd eat Dom first, because he's full of beer. Dude. Everyone bursts into hysterical laughter.
Dom gives Kevin the "don't call us, we'll call you" speech. Kevin leaves. Kevin is too cool for these yahoos.
Beth says Dom and Aaron were really thrown by Kevin. I didn't see that, but you know what a reliable source Beth is, so it must be true.
Jon says that Aaron kept trying to tell them whom they ought to pick. We haven't seen that, at all. But that means nothing.
Aaron tells the roommates that he liked Kevin, but that he has a good feeling about Ed. Jon snips that Aaron should stop trying to decide for them. Aaron flips. "I am not trying to decide for you. SHUT UP!" he yells. Dude, chill. Although, on Aaron's behalf, I really don't think he was trying to strong-arm anyone into anything. I think Jon is interpreting Aaron's giving his opinion as Aaron trying to tell him what to think. "Shut up, Jon!" Aaron snips, petulantly. "You're pissing me off. Stop twisting my words like that." Jon, ever witty, comes back with a strong "You shut up and stop telling me who to pick." Bro. Chill.
Potential Roommate #3: Glen. We all know Glen. Glen tells the roommates that he's a "bum." He works at a record store, he says, and he's having a hard time find a job in his desired field: film and video. Oh, my God. Let's see, who do I want as a roommate? A cute and easy-going track star, a sharp-witted guy who works with homeless children, or a pretentious slacker bum, with a pipe dream of finding a job in film and video (just like every other pretentious slacker bum in Los Angeles) and who also fronts what is possibly the worst band ever?
I loathe Glen. Just so you know.
Cue ear-splitting montage of Glen playing Eddie Vedder, except without the musical talent or charisma. And I don't even like Eddie Vedder. I have to mute the scenes of Glen "singing" with the band, or my ears will bleed. I'm not joking.
Glen is so gross. He tells the Irene that what he likes most about Los Angeles so far (I guess he's just come out for the interview, and still is living in Philly. This was unclear. It makes his dream of finding a job in film and video even more of a pipe dream, but whatever) is the chicks. And he's dating four girls in Philly, and none of them knows about the others, but it's cool, yo. Classy.
Glen and Jon bond over the fact that all Jon does is sleep and lay around the house. They talk about music for a while. Glen seals the deal by saying that he believes people ought to do their dishes right away. And he likes cats. And he's religiously tolerant. "I'm really close to God," he says. "I think. I'm not sure." I'll ask God time I talk to him, Glen, but I think He's still mad at your for lying about the dishes just now.
Dom asks Glen who he would eat if they were all trapped in the house after an earthquake. Everyone laughs. Glen says he would rather die than eat any of them. He'd die for them. Like our Lord, y'all.
Irene says she likes Glen.
Aaron says Glen is cool, yo.
Jon says Glen hit it off with everyone.
So everyone writes their votes on teeny tiny pieces of paper, and crumple them up and stick them in Jon's big black Stetson hat. Glen wins. Everyone agrees they liked each of the potential roommates, but...you know. There can be only one.
Dom says that Glen would fit in the best with "their environment." Yes, since he seemed the least pleasant or mentally stable, that is true.
So, dude, Glen wins, and then they have to call each of the potential roommates to break the news to them, and it's so not staged, you guys. Like, I'm sure Ed was just sitting on his sofa, chilling with the cameraman, when the phone rang and Aaron (really nicely, actually) told him it was over. Ed is nonplussed. "Back to the track," he tells the camera.
Tami says Ed was "too much of a yes person." Isn't that exactly what she wanted? Oh, whatever. Shut up, Tami. I can't wait until she gets her jaw wired shut.
Aaron calls Kevin, and gives him the bad news, and wishes him luck in his future endeavors. Kevin doesn't give a shit. He takes a swig from his juice glass and sneers at the camera. Go back to the homeless, Kevin. I guarantee that dealing, day in and day out, with the homeless, drug-addicted youth of southern California is more pleasant than living rent-free with this bunch.
Dom, in his interview, says that Kevin was "too intense."
Aaron calls Glen to give him the good news, but tells his roommates that's he's going to "play with him" first. Ahem. No comment. Anyway, Aaron starts the call all mournfully, barely containing his frat boy mirth, and acting like he's about to reject Glen. But, dude, he was totally shitting him, dude! Dude, you're in! Dude! Glen is all like, dude, screwing with me was totally uncool, dude. Dude! Duuuuude.
So Glen moves in. He wonders to the camera how this is going to affect his life. He's so deep and profound and shit. It moves me. Not. Right after he moves in (we think; who knows, with the B/M editing habits), he and Jon go off to play basketball, and poor little Jon, obviously thinking that he might get a friend out of this, tells Jon that Aaron thrives on conflict, and that Aaron and Dom are a clique and they're not always nice toJon. So sad. Poor Jon. Glen bounces his basketball thoughtfully.
Jon, in his interview, says he likes Glen. Irene likes Glen. Tami likes Glen. Everyone likes Glen.
Glen, Aaron and Dom go to see Inspiral Carpets at the Palace in Hollywood (remember Inspiral Carpets? I don't, really, either). Dom, with his, er, journalistic connections (and no help at all from MTV, I'm sure), gets them right into the show, and backstage, where we see the three boys schmooze with several groupies. Early '90s groupies crack me up, because they're all wearing these loose baby-doll dresses over tights and Doc Martens and it's, like, the opposite of the booby-flashing groupies of the '80s. Ah, grunge. Thank God it's dead.
Glen blathers about "studying" the band, as a fellow artist. Bite me, Glen.
On the way home from the concert, Dom and Glen get into a very stupid fight. They're discussing the practice of telling a woman you love her, just to get in her pants. Dom does it, but only if the girl says it first. Glen doesn't ever tell anyone he loves her, just for sex. Dom is drunk and belligerent. I have no idea exactly what they're fighting about, but Dom tells Glen that he doesn't appreciate his tone of voice, even though Glen's tone of voice sounds perfectly natural. Suddenly, everyone talks at the same time. Dom impotently threatens Glen with...something incoherent. Aaron just drives the car in silence.
Fight #1, dude.