There's this horrible thwack-thonky music playing as we see the Winnie carrying Dom, Tami and Jon across America to their "swanky" pad in Los Angeles. Tami, in huge sunglasses and her requisite massive steel hoop earrings, tells the camera that the three of them went to a restaurant and ordered an appetizer plate, which came with stuff like rattlesnake, and "oysters." We see Jon and Dom chowing down on these so-called oysters, while Tami, naturally, chortles in the background. A tall, extremely frightening-looking man in a Stetson and full-on ZZ-Top-esque beard approaches the table and asks how they liked the "cow fries." Jon, in a Stetson of his own (complete with a tiny paper flag of Texas stuck in the brim), looks confused and says they had oysters. Tami laughs maniacally, hoop earrings smacking her in the face. Dom, in an interview, tells us that he didn't think they were actually oysters, but that they were "deep fried something." Oh, God, let's cut to the chase. ZZ-Top Dude tells the kids that the "oysters" were actually "bull's balls." ["They're known as prairie oysters, so you can see from whence their confusion arose." -- Wing Chun] Yum! Tami's laughter grows to hysterical proportions. Dom grins. Jon just looks slightly disgusted. That little scene closes with a shot of a cow looking at her ass. I don't know why they didn't use a shot of, oh, say, a bull, but who am I to question the genius of Bunim-Murray Productions?
Whatever. We learn from a street sign that the gruesome threesome is in Taos, New Mexico. Dom tells us that, while in a bar in Taos, he met a man who owns "a ski place." Jon tells us that he thought skiing "would be fun. No problem." We then see the three wacky kids attempting to ski -- in jeans, all of them. Dom, who is also risking his leather jacket, seems to maneuver rather well, but Tami gets her right ski caught in her hoop earring and bites it, and Jon can't even stand up. Nevertheless, the three of them seem to be having a good time, wet jeans and all.
In an interview, Tami tells us that, in Taos, Dom went to a bar (no way!) and met a couple of girls, whom he decided ought to "take [them] to Sedona." Dom confesses that he'd "had a couple of cocktails" (really? Seriously? No!), and he thought a little jaunt to Sedona sounded like a good idea. He grins sheepishly.
Down at breakfast, Dom tells Jon and Tami that on the way to Vegas, they're going to swing by Sedona, which he categorizes as "a very spiritual place." Yeah, I'm sure Dom was totally thinking about his spiritual well-being when he strong-armed those two girls into agreeing to be his little tour guides. Tour guides of loooove. Tami and Jon exchange incredulous looks. This morning, Tami's earrings are made out of eight intertwined and dangling hoops of various sizes. Just so you know. She tells us, irritably, that Sedona wasn't on the itinerary. She starts laughing, of course, and tells Dom that she "isn't feeling this Sedona thing," but if "majority rules," then she'll tag along. Dom, in a horrific banana-yellow and black shirt, looks at his plate and genially says that they don't have to go. Tami tells Dom that he has a tendency to make decisions for the group, without asking the group first, and names the ski trip as an example. Jon, in an interview, tells us that Tami is worried that if Dom is this domineering now, he'll be even worse in Los Angeles. Outside the Winnie, Dom tells his tour guides that his roommates "nixed" Sedona, and sends them on their merry way. Tami tosses the girls an incredibly dirty look. She might as well have held up a sign reading, "Goodbye, Skanks!" In an interview, Dom tells us that Tami gave him "a tongue-lashing" about the situation. Her tongue-lashing, which is like a tongue-bath compared to later Real World arguments, is merely that Dom better not "bring every stray person [he] meets in a bar back to that loft [in Venice]." Dom apologizes, contritely, and tells us in an interview that he was honestly sorry for upsetting his roommates, and agrees that he was out of line. Damn! This is so boring! Where are the sanctimonious hypocrites I've come to expect from The Real World? The Matts? The Stephens? Where, I ask you? Dom plaintively says that if Tami or Jon would go with him to bars, then maybe he wouldn't have to talk to strangers. Oh, boo hoo!
A diner, in an unspecified town between Taos, and Los Angeles. It's Bible Talk time. Dom tells his roommates that "he who has not sinned, should cast the first stone." I think this is supposed to look like it's in regards to the Sedona Incident, but God knows, Dom could have been talking about anything. Jon says he thought that Dom didn't believe in the Bible. Dom says he believes in the parts he wants to believe in. Jon explains that that isn't quite how faith works. Dom chortles that he believes in the "water-into-wine bit." Jon rolls his eyes. Dom brings up the fact that Tami is Muslim, a fact which stuns poor naÏve Jon for a moment. Dom, in an interview, helpfully explains that the three of them "are very different." Wow, thanks for that! I had NO IDEA. At the table, Jon asks Tami to explain her religion to him, telling her that he's not familiar with it. Let me just say that, although you'd never guess if from Tami's mood swings later in this episode, Jon's request is posited very respectfully. Back in the interview, Dom further explicates the group dynamics by explaining that "Jon is very, very white." Dude, wait until you meet Aaron. Dom sighs that he doesn't think the three of them could be more different "if [he] had antlers sticking out of his head." Oh, hang on a second. These people are different? They aren't the same? Oh my God, now I get it. Because I had no idea. Back at the table, Jon listens as Tami explains her religious beliefs; Jon looks, I think, quite interested. But in interview, Tami says that Jon thinks Islam is "a terrible religion," because Jesus is not involved. Let's just point out here that Jon hasn't said anything of the sort and actually appears quite fascinated by what Tami has to say. In an interview, Jon explains that he's "a country boy from Kentucky, and she's a black girl from L.A. I'm supposed to be prejudiced against her. And I think it bothers her that I'm not. And she's trying to create that." Either she is, or Bunim-Murray is. You figure it out, Jon.
Back in the Winnie, Tami sullenly remarks to Jon that he's "going to heaven. [He] pray[s] everyday." Jon says that praying has nothing to do with his going to heaven or not. Tami snaps rather cruelly that "it was a joke, idiot. It was from a movie." Dom tries to smooth things over, as Jon asks what movie the quote is from. Tami glares at him and tells him it is "a black movie, with black actors." Jon, in huge Erik Estrada-esque aviator glasses, asks Tami why she's giving him so much attitude, considering the fact that he's never made any prejudiced comments to her. He rather calmly says that, to him, a movie is a movie is a movie. Tami sneers, and looks out the window. Dom cowers in the back, under a pillow, drinking from a tiny flask of everclear. In an interview, Jon, the most good-natured boy in the world, says that Tami is very moody, and that she can't help that part of her personality. He wonders idly if he just ought to "take it" from her. In her own interview, Tami explains that she's "fed up" with being on the road, and she's tired of being with Dom and Jon twenty-four hours a day. She's ready to meet other people. Yes, that's a good reason to accuse people of racism and intolerance.
And thus, with one fell swoop, we have pigeonholed Tami into her place in the show: She's The One with the Unpredictable and Crazy Mood Swings. She is also obsessed with hoop earrings. But we knew that.
The Winnie careens down Interstate 40 towards Vegas, baby, Vegas. Tami has swung back into hilarity, as she giggles and informs us that Jon never listens to directions, and that's why they keep getting lost. Despite such wacky hi-jinks, however, the kids manage to swing into Sin City unscathed. In an interview, Jon explains that he didn't feel like he "belonged" in Las Vegas. Jon, darlin', the only people who really belong in Vegas are Siegfried and Roy and Wayne Newton. Everybody else is just visiting. Jon calls the parents from his hotel room and tells his father that he and Dom and Tami are set to meet the rest of the roommates Saturday in Venice.
The threesome explores the Strip, all wide-eyed and open-mouthed. Well, Jon is wide-eyed and open-mouthed. Dom is probably drunk, and Tami is either giggling uncontrollably, or hitting Jon with the back of her hand. But we only see Jon. Dom explains in an interview that everywhere they went, they were handed advertisements for brothels. And somehow, right on the strip, Dom gets into a conversation with some random guy, about the best places in town to get cheap yet affable hookers. In an interview, Jon laughs good-naturedly, and says he wondered what the H-E-double hockey sticks he was doing, listening to this Godless talk about women of the night. He giggles.
Dom hopes, in an interview, that the rest of his stint in the house will be less stressful than this trip across the country. He hypothesizes that not being confined to a Winnebago will make conflict less likely. And, somewhere, a light bulb goes on over the head of Bunim and/or Murray. In the Winnie, Dom teases Jon about his fan club. Tami snips that "just because you have a couple of fans...doesn't mean anything as far as the rest of the world is concerned. That boring little hick town." Jon says that Tami's just mad because "they don't let trash like you in." Oooooooh. Dom sticks his fingers in his ears and starts to sing an old Clash song to himself, as Tami laughs and points out that they "have trash like you there." Tami, in an interview, tells us that at first, the trash comment didn't bother her, but then it made her sad, and then it made her mad. In the Winnie, she leans over and tells Jon that he would have felt "very funny if [she'd] socked [his] ass in the head." Okay, that makes no sense, anatomically, but whatever. And then, the shit hits the fan. They argue about whether or not Jon did or did not call Tami "trash," which, as much as I like Jon, and as much as I think Tami is a raving lunatic, I have to agree that he did, and that it wasn't very nice of him. All of a sudden, Jon gets snippy and petulantly insists that he's "gonna be a country singer one day, whether you like it or not!" And then I have to pause the tape, and laugh and laugh and laugh and laugh and laugh. All righty, then. Dom, the instigator, cackles in the backseat, as Tami and Jon continue to bicker. We fade to Tami in an interview, in which she says that she was upset because she thinks Jon has been "subconsciously thinking" that she is trash, the entire trip. She asks the camera person to stop recording, so she can collect herself, but, of course, the camera person does not, and Tami wipes several crocodile tears from beneath her huge black sunglasses, her earrings blowing plaintively in the wind.
Thank the Lord, they're finally in L.A. Jon comments that Los Angeles is really spread out, which is true, and then comments that all he knows about L.A is what he sees on TV -- namely, cops beating people up. Yeah, this was filmed about a year after the Rodney King riots, so that actually makes perfect sense. Jon then squeals that Los Angeles is a "big vacation spot" and, so, he thought "it'd be a lot of fun, too." Then we're treated to a delightful montage of women in bikinis interspersed with shots of the police in full riot gear, waving their guns around. Yes, as a lifetime resident of the city of angels, I can say that it's true. Life here is just like a bizarre combination of Cops and Baywatch. In fact, I'm typing this in a thong bikini, while the police drag my crack-dealing neighbor out of his home in handcuffs. Oops, they shot him! Bummer. Where's my coconut oil? Oh, look, it's my landlord, David Hasselhoff!
Dom, Tami and Jon arrive at the beach house, which is roughly twelve blocks from where I sit right now. They look around, making the usual "yee haw!" commentary which every Real World cast member seems contractually obligated to make at the sight of the house. They race up the stairs, flop on the beds, open the refrigerator, stick their heads in the closet, and turn the taps on and off, squealing and screaming. In the midst of the mayhem, Aaron arrives. Now, in the interest of full disclosure, let me confess that (a) I think Aaron is kind of cute, at first glance, and (b) he's a student at my alma mater, UCLA. (Although I didn't start there until the year after he graduated). So I am predisposed to like him. Tami, Dom, and Jon pretty much ignore Aaron as they leave the house to collect the rest of their stuff. Aaron kind of wanders into the house, dazed. In an interview, he tells us that the first people he saw were Dom and Jon, and that he "knew for sure that these were the people [he] was living with." Ya think? Walking out of your house and all? Geezum, I'm so glad a brainiac like Aaron is representing my university. With Amaya and Matt also hailing from UCLA, I am so proud. Not. In the bedroom, Jon explains to Aaron that "after the drive," he and Dom and Tami "hate each other." Aaron just grins dumbly. He looks shell-shocked. "Why did I leave the cozy confines of Sigma Nu?" he wonders to himself.
Randomly, Tami tells the camera that she thinks living with six other people "is going to kill [her] sex life." Wow, thank you for telling me that.
Enter David, all hat backwards and XXXXXL clothing. Introductions ensue around the pool table. Tami tells us in an interview that David seems like "a nice person." Or, as another David would say, he's "good people." David just says that Tami is hot, more or less. They laugh, and talk. Gee, do you think the producers are trying to make it look like they might hook up? And does anyone else think that the reason they've been paired off is because they're both black? Just wondering. Oh, maybe not, because now Tami is saying that she can see having "a brother-sister relationship" with David. Wow, I bet David isn't on the same page. Unless it's, you know, an Angelina Jolie type of brother-sister relationship.
Enter Beth S. With her cat. I hate her already. Not that I don't like cats, because I do, but as someone who has severe allergies, I can tell you that it's really rude to bring an animal into a situation without checking with everyone else first. Also, Beth has really annoying hair -- all layered and banged. Dom tells us that he "can't stand cats." Beth giggles that people weren't happy about the cat. Dom moans to the camera that he has a dog that "means a lot" to him, and that he "hates cats." Beth sniggers and tells the camera that Dom can "hang out on a different floor." Gee, how totally accommodating!
Irene arrives with her fiancé, Tim. Aaron calls Irene "this gentle little woman," and, already, I hate him. Aaron, after meeting Tim, says that his brother "has a fiancée. It's an interesting concept." Har har. Not. Nitwit. Anyway, Irene earnestly tells the camera that she thinks Tim was "jealous" after meeting Aaron, because he's "this blond-haired, blue-eyed guy" and she likes that type. We're treated to several shots of Aaron frolicking in the surf to the tunes of EMF's "Unbelievable." Okay, so he's kinda cute. He's my type, physically, too, Irene. But wait until you hear the "gentle little lady" line.
Back at the house, much unpacking ensues. It's really boring. Aaron has a surfboard. Beth has new pajamas. Jon has hat head. We see that the house has a surveillance-type camera (which allows people to spy on what's happening in any other room of the house), a Jacuzzi, pool tables, yadda yadda yadda. Does anyone care? I didn't think so. This house is nothing compared to later Real World houses. ["I heard that. London makes L.A. look like a shack." -- Wing Chun] I wonder if these cats watched Hawaii and felt gypped. I did, but it had nothing to do with the house and everything to do with my becoming a whore to Bunim-Murray Productions. Dom takes forever to explain the idea behind the confessional, with which I assume you are all well acquainted.
Jon, carrying a huge box upstairs, knocks a picture off the wall. Beth watches this, gripping her squalling feline, and looking appalled. She scurries back to her new pajamas and the safety of her bedroom. Irene snits to the camera that she got stuck with the last bed. In the bedroom, however, Beth asks her if the sleeping arrangements are acceptable to her, and Irene says that they are. Hey, Irene, babe, if you're unhappy, say so, or shut up. God, the longer this episode drags on, the bitchier I become.
More unpacking. Dude, unpacking is unavoidably dull, even when it's done to the tune of "Just Can't Get Enough," one of my favorite Depeche Mode tunes ever. And what does that even mean? Can get enough what? Styrofoam peanuts? Unfolding? What? The boys divide the rooms; David and Jon sharing one, and Aaron and Dom the other. David jumps on his bed. I think he could use a massive dose of Ritalin, but I suppose that will remain to be seen. The boys check out the girls' bed and bathroom, commenting that, dude! The females have "two toilets!" One of them is a bidet, but no one takes the time to point that out.
Jon tells the camera that David is a stand-up comedian, and David brays that he's "always on stage." Oh, grand. Nothing's more fun than living with a guy who never shuts down the show. On the deck of the house, Aaron runs his hands through his blond tresses and says, of David, "Someone's who's got, like, uh, comic sense, like that, you know, has to be an intelligent guy." Unlike, say, Aaron.
David leans into the camera and tells us that Aaron "reads a lot. He's a big brain." Well, he's got a big head, but I don't know if that's exactly the same time. Standing in front of Royce Hall on the UCLA campus, Aaron tells us that he's "an Economics major at UCLA, and [he's] graduating in June." This confession is followed by shots of Aaron yukking it up in a classroom I have never seen, and cannot even begin to place on a campus which I know fairly intimately. Everyone in the classroom is grinning like a loon. I'm sure they'd all be finding econ just this funny if the cameras weren't there.
Beth tells Irene that she's a P.A., a production assistant, which is sort of a lie, because she actually works in a casting office, and I was given to understand that a P.A. is someone who actually works on a set. Beth earnestly tells us that she "loves the entertainment industry." Oh, sweet Jesus! Then you aren't really in it, baby. You only love the idea of it. Beth tells us she's interested in acting, too. That is so rare in Los Angeles, you have no idea. We visit Beth's photo shoot as someone takes her head shots. Not to be cruel -- okay, a little cruel -- but Beth has got to do something about her eyebrows before she gets any photos taken. They're totally out of control. And a good agent would tell her that. Which leads me to believe that Beth does not have a good agent. Which leads me also to believe that Beth will never get a job, and will be disillusioned by "the industry" before this series is over, to which I say, thank God, because the last thing this city needs are more "actresses."
Irene informs Beth that she works as a "deputy Marshal." And we get to visit Irene at target practice. What's that you say, Aaron? A gentle little woman? Right. With a big, deadly, bullet-filled gun. For some inexplicable reason, the opening bars of "I Touch Myself" by the Divynals accompany the scene of Irene shooting her big bad gun. Why, I do not know. I do not even want to think about the Freudian psychology involved in that choice of soundtrack.
Anyway, the roommates all head down to the Venice boardwalk to watch the fire-eaters and doomsayers and tourists in action. For what feels like twenty minutes, the roommates argue about where they ought to eat dinner. It's so bloody dull. Finally, they decide, and sit down, and chow, and Dom explains the Jon Brennan Fan Club to Aaron, who is both amused and impressed. Dom tells Aaron that Jon's voice is good, but it "annoys the shit out of him." Aaron laughs. Jon, who is sitting right behind them, stands up and laughingly accuses Dom of "stabbing him in the back." Dom rolls his eyes. Aaron explains that Dom is just "telling him a story." Jon stands up, and gets a little defensive. Dom explains that he was just "relaying the funnier highlights" of the trip to Aaron. The home audience is treated to a montage of flashbacks to the EARILER PORTION OF THIS EPISODE, like, how retarded to they think we are? Even more sadly, the montage is set to the tune of "Right Here, Right Now." I'm going to take my own life if this episode doesn't end right quick.
Tami tells the camera that she, Dom, and Jon have all been saying bad things about one another, due to their experience on the road, and that talking trash probably isn't such the best idea any of them has ever had. She pulls the boys aside and they decide to start their entire relationship over. They reintroduce themselves to one another, laughing, and walk, with the rest of the cast, into the sunset towards the ocean, laughing, frolicking, and secretly plotting any number of atrocities toward one another.