Previously: Kevin's really, really concerned with Julie remaining a virgin. The loftmates all get together and play a nasty joke on Kevin and pretend they're what they're not. Kevin wigs.
Montage of blurry shots immediately post-joke on Kevin. Norman's on the phone, half-concerned, half-snickering, says, "We just lost our roommate." "Crazy" by Seal plays in the background. The most inadvertently funny part of this is Eric chewing them all out, saying, "I've been sleeping in his room for a month and then we just tell him I sleep with guys? Hell-OOO!!" He then waves a hand at Julie. "And look at you!" If it was anyone but Eric, I would think he was making fun of himself. As it is, it sounds like he's a bigger queen than Catharine the Great.
Julie's one-on-one. She says she thought it was obvious that it was a joke, since none of them are professional actors, but obviously, it wasn't to Kevin.
Back to the loft post-joke. Andre trots down the stairs, wearing wardrobe leftovers from Head of the Class. Somewhere, Howard Hesseman is nodding his head, saying, "That's where I left that houndstooth blazer." Eric, Julie, and Norman start all babbling at once about how Kevin freaked out and left. Andre is all, "You're kidding," and Julie, Norman, and Eric are like all, "We're so not kidding." Eric then does a non-dramatic non-reenactment.
Eric tells Andre that it's all his idea and therefore all his fault. Andre scoffs at this, quite roundly. Norman asks what they can do. Andre sort of rolls his eyes and says, "Well, what can we do? We can't summon him back!"
Andre's one-on-one. He says that Kevin thinking that he, Andre, would actually start a bluegrass band shows how little Kevin knows about him. One gets the impression that as far as Andre's concerned, Kevin can just go to hell for that offense.
Back to the loft. Andre's saying that Kevin feeling like an ass after he realizes it was all a joke is reward enough for him. He then hoots at Julie, who does a little bump-and-grind. Eric, his whiny post-pubescent voice cracking, tells her it's all her fault. Julie scoffs at him. Norman says, "Oh, yeah, it's everyone's fault except for Eric's." Please, could we get a little Lord of the Flies action here and could someone beat in Eric's head with a conch? Alas, it is not to be. There is more pointless bickering. Eric yells at Julie to go change.
Julie goes up the stairs, presumably to climb out of her ho-wear. Cut to Eric eating ice cream, saying, "I've done some mean things, but this is mean. Especially to leave him hanging there like that." This rare moment of self-insight is then cut short by him hollering, "You should've told him in the elevator, JULIE." God. If this were only a Warner Brothers cartoon, an anvil would drop on his head right now. Eric continues, "He's probably going to kill himself!" Julie yells, "Oh, he is not." Susan Lucci better watch out. Eric is giving her quite a run for her money in the histrionics department, here.
Close-up of a clock with the seconds ticking by very slowly. Shots of Norman eating. It's a few moments later. Julie's back in her sweats, but with her makeup still on and her hair done. Norman's on the phone. He's saying that it's really bad. Eric says nastily, "Oh, NOW it's really bad, huh?" Julie and Norman both get pissed. Norman tells Eric to stop putting words in his mouth. Norman tells the person on the phone that he was hoping Kevin would read his birthday card to get the joke, but Kevin wouldn't open it.
Suddenly all of them jump like they've been taser-gunned. Kevin walks in, and they all chorus his name. I expect to see the Beav right behind him. Kevin looks sullen and uncommunicative. They all start calling to him. Norman says, "We found him." Kevin walks up the stairs without a word.
Shot of Eric laughing and saying, "Oh man, just go upstairs. Just. Go. Upstairs. You have no idea what just happened. No. Idea." Turns out he's talking to Becky, who's sporting a very fetching hair-over-one-eye look that I remember being all the rage with skaters in 1986. Becky looks confused and bored. Eric is milking this drama for every drop. He walks over and whispers, "Kevin freaked. OUT."
Upstairs, Norman and Julie are explaining the joke to Kevin, who is shaking his head. As Norman explains the whole fishbowl/choose-a-personality thing, Julie chimes in with lines like, "I'm not really a whore" and "Norman doesn't really steal stuff." Kevin mutters, "You people are crazy, man." Julie, all eagerness, says, "Did you believe us, though?" Kevin says, "Of course I believed you." Julie cheers, "He believed us!" and the mood visibly lightens. Norman starts telling him about the videotape they made of the joke beforehand, to prove that they were kidding.
They watch the tape. Julie's one-on-one. She says that Kevin was probably really hurt watching them all bond at his expense. Umm. Yeah, maybe. Seriously, what the hell was the point of this episode? Is it to prove that junior-high antics never go out of style? At least if they had done something like put a flaming bag of shit on someone's front stoop -- in my opinion, an eternal comedy gold mine -- there would've been some action instead of all this clichéd psychodrama.
They watch the replay of Julie squealing, "I get to be a whore!" Kevin turns to Julie with what I can only describe as a look of Father Knows Best horror on his face and all but shakes his finger at her as he says, "Julie! I was really pissed at you." He then tells them how he called his friends and told them how his loftmates had changed personality overnight, and that he was quitting. Julie, Norman, and Eric all mime horror, shock, et cetera. I mime cognitive awareness. Kevin shakes his head and mutters, "I was totally trippin'. I was totally trippin'." Kevin then turns to Julie and asks point-blank if she's still a virgin. She says yes. GOD, how fucking creepy is it that he's that concerned about whether Julie's hopped on the good foot and done the bad thing (tm Mike Myers)? KEE-rist! I'd also like to note that even though everyone else has changed out of their costumes, Eric is still wearing a vest sans shirt throughout all these scenes. I don't know which horrifies me more.
It's the one-on-one with Kevin "keeper of my roommate's virtue," who is saying that he thought the joke was a pretty bad one. Either that, or Kevin's sort of a humorless weenie. You decide. Thank God, the editors don't include any more dialogue about Julie's Vestal Virginity.
Shot of the exterior of the loft, and Julie's voice sing-songing, "Sooorry!" Montage of Manhattan at night, which then segues into daytime shots. Back in the loft again. Heather, Becky, and Julie are sitting and shooting the breeze. Julie asks, "Do some men look like they were born to make love?" and Becky says wistfully, "Some men." Heather says, "Yeah, Larry," and then tells Julie how Larry Johnson is her husband. Becky doesn't know who Larry Johnson is. Heather explains that he's a basketball player, and that he's playing at the Meadowlands soon, and that on that day, Heather just plans on getting arrested, since she's going to go to the game, walk up to him, squeeze his butt, and then leave. Haw! I love Heather.
The scenes and these ones of Heather's one-on-one are intercut with shots of Larry Johnson slam-dunking and generally looking like a big stud. Heather talks some about how LJ gives her the screaming thigh sweats.
Back to the loft. Norman, fresh from the shower, brings the ladies some M&Ms. I love Norman. Heather's yapping some more about her daydream of Larry Johnson when the doorbell rings. Julie goes to get it. It's a mysterious letter. Heather's lost in Fantasyland still, but then starts squabbling with Julie about who gets to open the envelope.
It's three tickets to Jamaica -- but only for the wimmins of the house. They are ecstatic. And the letter is pretty much an order from the producers to go out and find themselves some boot-ay, or as the letter put it, go on "a search for the dream man."
General screaming and ecstasy intercut with shots of them already on the beach. Much exultation is heard. Norman is quiet. Heather's on the phone, telling her dad that they're flying to Jamaica on the twenty-seventh. Becky says cheerfully, "That's perfect, I get fired in two weeks!"
Flash forward to scenes of the girls looking gorgeous and relaxed on a boat. Back to the loft. Kevin is in the kitchen, disbelieving. Norman says, "We got a package of tokens!" and breaks the ice. Heather then says she has to make plans to see Larry Johnson before they go, and invites Julie to go with her. Julie says twenty-three skidoo.
Julie says, "We're going to Jamaica!" and Heather says, "That's perfect, 'coz then I can tell him I'm going to Jamaica and then send him pictures of me!" There's something so sweet about Heather's self-absorption that I'm almost glad she hasn't yet met her own personal Copernicus to tell her that the sun does not revolve around her.
Heather starts calling up her friends, but none of them are home. Julie asks, disbelieving, if Heather's calling to rub it in their faces. Heather, deadpan, says, "Basically." She tells Julie to call some people so she can hear how Julie sounds. Julie scoffs and says no one she knows will care, and that she can't just say, "So, hey, what are you doing? Watching TV? I'm going to Jamaica! Byeeee!" She then picks up the phone, joking, and does just that, only there's someone on the line, or she pretends someone's on the line. Heather is cracking up.
Heather decides that she wants to call people to rub it in. Then she decides they should crank call randoms from the phone book. The few minutes are taken up by Heather and Julie doing their own version of the Jerky Boys, except they're not the Jerky Boys or even remotely funny. Other than that, the resemblance is astonishing. It is sort of sweet, seeing them act so giddy and doofy. And it's a damn good thing this was before the days of *69.
Julie says, "I think I will do well in Jamaica." Heather says, in response, "I'm going to see Larry Johnson!" Julie makes a face and says, "Oh yeah. That compares." Heather protests that it does.
Julie's one-on-one. She's talking about Heather, and how if she could only do one thing, it would be to grab Larry Johnson's tush. And how Julie hopes that she gets to do so, because maybe then she'll shut up.
Montage of Larry Johnson warming up and Julie and Heather hauling their carcasses to the game, buying tickets, et cetera. "Good Vibration" by Marky Mark plays. Julie is wearing this crazy black letterman-type jacket covered in white stars that makes her look like a cheer squad leader on PCP.
Once they get to the stadium, Julie starts harassingHeather in a friendly way by telling her, "Larry Johnson is ON THE PREMISES," and asking random ticket takers if they've seen Mr. Larry or his Johnson. Haw! Just kidding. She does ask them if they've seen Larry Johnson, though.
Julie: "I thought he was going to be some sort of basketball GOD or something."
Heather points him out on the court, warming up. Julie tells her to get him over there, to wave, or tell his "little friend to go git him" or something.
Heather: "When I first got there, I waved to him."
Julie: "The children were going nuts, wanting his autograph."
Shots of Larry signing autographs. Heather's VO says, "He came over to me and said, 'Heather B., how are you?' and I said, 'Hey!'" We see a shot of them hugging, and Heather saying, "I heard you wanted to meet me," with this very cool shit-eating grin, which I must say, is considerable more aplomb than my friend C. displayed when she met Judd Nelson (way past his prime, but she was still swept away by the whole Breakfast Club thing) and, as the Swedish say, lost her shit.
Julie: "Classic line. I think that hooked him. Really pulled him in closer."
As soon as Larry leaves, Heather's standing and absorbing the afterglow. Meanwhile, Julie is losing her mind and jumping up and down and yanking at Heather's sleeve. It's pretty cute, this whole sequence.
Heather: "He told me to come meet him after the game. [We see shots of the game, and Larry's team loses.] We went backstage after the game, and we were waiting an hour."
shot, Larry comes out in a suit, looking super-dapper, and gives Heather another hug.
Heather: "He probably thought I was crazy, saying he wanted to meet me. To this day, I don't know whether he knows if I was serious or not. But it was a joke!"
Back to the basketball court. Larry asks who Julie is. Heather, still joking but sort of taking it too far, introduces Julie as her manager and says that she's the one who told Heather Larry wanted to meet her. Julie, playing it very cool, says, "I give her all that information." Some quick cuts showing Heather and Larry mingling, then Julie stands right behind Heather and mutters, "Give him your phone number give him your phone number give him your phone number." Meanwhile Larry is standing maybe, oh, a foot away. Shots of Heather and Larry doing some handshakes. Julie takes a couple of photos. He is pretty cute.
Larry escorts Julie and Heather out, with his arm around Heather. Julie starts squealing, "She shoots she scores! Gave him the phone number! He's got the digits!!" Heather's laughing, shaking her head.
Back at the bus station. It seems Julie and Heather have missed the last bus to New York. Cut to Julie and Heather at the bus station, as Heather screams to the night air, "We need a ride to New York!"
Shots of Julie and Heather packing as Becky lies on the couch and tells the guys -- all looking mighty resentful as they play pool -- about her last day at her job. Becky complains that she doesn't have a bathing suit. Norman dreamily maps out when she'll first step onto the beach. That's so mean not even to give Norm a ticket. He obviously gets along best with the girls in the loft, anyway.
Oh God. Political discussions. Norman says something about voting. Becky comes up with the profound observation that the system sucks and that people could just do what they can. The following discussions are so muddled and inarticulate and all over the place that I'm not going to even bother to transcribe them. But, in short: Kevin's coming from the Moses (let my people go) perspective and thinks that Becky is a naïve twerp (maybe about that last part he's right). Becky's coming from the I'm-cynical-and-disaffected-but-secretly-a-big-gung-ho-John-Wayne-this-land-is-my-land muddled liberal. Kevin also takes the easy way out and sneers at Becky's optimism. Kevin really does come off like a bombastic jerk in these arguments, and Becky reinforces the ol' twit impression. The argument degenerates even further and then Kevin calls Becky a racist. Becky protests and asks how she's a racist. Kevin says pompously, "Race plus power equals RACE-ism. Think about it." Becky then calls herself a flaky liberal. Hee. In what I can only hope is really bizarre editing, Kevin then calls Becky moody, and Becky says, no, HE'S moody. Then Kevin segues into how his moodiness is totally justified because he's persecuted for his race everyday. Then he says how he doesn't have it easy because his dad isn't a research assistant or wealthy. Pardon me while my head explodes. Get these girls to Jamaica, already!
Becky then tells Kevin that her life isn't exactly all roses, and he's not someone who can prejudge her life until he's lived it. Kevin sneers, and basically tells her he has no need to do so since the scales of life are tipped so clearly against him. What I think he's implying is that his life is so hard, he has no need to be sympathetic to other people's hardships. And you know what, Kevin? Being a woman ain't so fucking easy in this world as you might think -- even a white woman. SO SHUT UP. Becky gets up and mutters something under her breath, like, "You're full of shit," and then Kevin says, "Your mother's full of shit. Stupid bitch." At this point I think Kevin needs to be bitch-slapped, and anyone who's this angry, pompous, and self-absorbed is obviously capable of chucking objects at people during fights, as we shall all see later on in the season during the infamous fight between him and Julie. What a schnook!
episode: the ladies go to Jamaica. The boys stay at home, and boy are they bummed.