Previously: Becky is a tramp. She's also a self-righteous, irritating twerp whose really undeserved sense of superiority comes from being maybe four or five years older than some of her housemates. Eric and Kevin get freak-nasty on each other, and Kevin writes Eric a mean letter that makes Eric very, very angry. And when Eric Nies gets angry...people DIE. Of boredom.
Kevin and his friend enter the loft. Eric, in a backward-ass beret, surrounded by his posse, eyeballs Kevin. Kevin does the same to him.
Eric nudges one of his friends and says, "Yo, yo, yo, I shouldn't say nothin' now, it wouldn't be right."
Kevin and his friend get up, and as they're walking out, Kevin loudly says, "Yo, Eric, be a man." Umm. I guess Kevin's not leading by example.
Eric says, "Ex-CUSE me?" and then hollers that he and Kevin need to talk. The door slams behind Kevin and his friend.
Eric and his friends get excited as little girls in spring and start jabbering, "I can't believe he did that," etc., etc. Eric then deconstructs Kevin's letter and says that Kevin basically tells Eric to stop frontin'. Yeah, Eric -- you can't read!
Eric then explains in excruciating and unbelievable detail that THAT means he has "like, a curtain in front of me," and everything that you see isn't real. One of his friends says, "Who does he think he is, Sigmund Freud?" Eric scoffs. Eric -- stop frontin' -- you don't know who the hell Sigmund Freud is. Oh, and Eric -- you really need to stop pretending you've got lots of street cred; you're making even Vanilla Ice writhe with shame.
Kevin's interview. He tells us that Eric is constantly trying to prove that he's down, as far as black people are concerned. Really, Kevin? WOW, I never would've guessed! Back to Eric and his coffee klatsch. They get all indignant, like, "Who is he to judge?"
Kevin's interview. He explains that he told Eric that Eric needs not to repress so much, or he's going to explode. Good heavens, if Eric repressing means his putting a damned shirt on, let's have him repress away and damn the risks.
Eric's trying to read Kevin's letter again. Kevin's letter tells Eric that Society values Eric's life more than his (not once Society saw this show, I bet) and that unlike others in the loft, he wasn't born with a silver spoon in his mouth and his father is not an MBA or a referee for the NBA. One of Eric's friend's asks, "So what does that have to do with you?" Eric says, "Zero." ["Actually, Eric's dad is an NBA referee." -- Wing Chun] Cut to Eric leaving Monmouth County Probation Department. He's shaking his parole officer's hand and making plans for their meeting.
"Wicked Game" plays as Eric, perched on a lonely rock, tells Julie his tragic story. Tragically, a sea gull does not crap on him, I guess sensing that there is enough shit in the immediate vicinity without adding to it. Anyway. Eric tells how he got picked up during an anti-drug talk when he was picking up steroids. Three words: BWAH HA HA!!!
The long and short of it is, Eric's on probation and has many hours of community service. Eric tells Julie that he's had his ups and downs, but he's straightening his life out as they speak. I'm glad Eric is capable of ripping lines off of every ABC after-school special ever made.
Back to Eric and his bitch-fest in the house. Lest I did not detail it before, he's wearing a fetching little grey cap. He's telling his friends, "I've been around black people since I was this high!" And to emphasize: "Daaaaamn!" His black friend gives him the handshake.
Eric babbles some more about what a de facto brutha he is. He keeps saying how he can't understand where Kevin's coming from with this "black and white stuff," and that he sees it on the news, but not on the level that he, Eric, is at. Funny how it's always the dumb white guys who say dumb shit like that. Anyway. The camera closes in for a nice, tight shot of Eric's black friend, who's chewing at his nails like an animal chewing his limb off to get free from a trap. Wow, I'm really surprised Bunim-Murray was that subtle and didn't write the words "Eric's Negro Friend" over his head.
Eric's other friend -- white, FYI -- basically repeats everything Eric says, but in a higher voice. He tells Eric he has to ask Kevin what he wants -- that the purpose of the letter isn't clear. The fingernail-gnawing friend mutters something, but no one can hear, and of course no one asks him to repeat it. Eric shrugs and says, "Maybe this kid's really hurting inside." When did Oprah take over Eric's body? And if she has, will she make him put a shirt on and take off those damned hats?
Kevin's interview. He's saying that he and Eric have a lot in common -- that as a mischievous lad, he also was oft-times in trouble with the local constabulary. It is seriously so nice to watch a RW New York without having Eric's masturbatory interviews on every two minutes.
Shots of art. Kevin talks about the kid he's mentoring, and how Morris seemed to require Kevin's immediate attention more urgently than Eric did, and that he could see Eric any ol' time. Hence the reason Kevin is not addressing the situation right away.
Kevin's telling Morris about being abandoned by his own father, and that he wants to give another kid a strong male figure, and that most people in rough circumstances would get some sense of entitlement, but that you need to look out for others. You know, whatever Kevin's problems were, he was certainly smarter than most of the morons in the loft. Oh God. In a spectacularly subtle move, "Rhythm Nation" starts playing.
Back to Eric and his friends. Eric's saying maybe he shouldn't get all up in Kevin's face. His friend says, well, duh, don't do that, just ask Kevin what he wants. Eric says, "But the way I feel right now, I wanna blast him."
At that moment, Kevin and Morris come in. The drama of the impending confrontation makes the hair on my neck stand up. Not. Hey Kevin, way to mentor someone -- show him a bitch fight between you and your roommate!
So Eric says, "So, Kevin, what's that supposed to mean, 'be a man'?" Kevin chews his lip and then says, "Let's step outside and talk about it." Eric says, "Let's go," and you can practically see his chest expand with machismo.
Some song I don't recognize plays, but it has a heavy guitar riff and the chorus, "There goes the neighborhood!" It sounds like Chuck D.
Eric and Kevin on the stoop outside. Kevin keeps telling Eric, "What good would it do me to dis your sister?" Eric says he doesn't know, but he does know what his sister tells him. Eric tells Kevin it's his duty to make his sister feel comfortable. Kevin, showing a whole lot of restraint by not shoving his shoe up Eric's ass until the toe shows up in Eric's throat, says he's not going out of his way, since he's already perfectly civil to Eric's sister, and that he's never called her names or told her to fuck off, and that when Eric's sister comes in, he even asks her if she's uncomfortable and wants him to leave. Eric says that he doesn't need to be like that. Kevin shakes his head and says adamantly, "This is the way I am," and Eric shouts back petulantly, "Well, this is the way I am!" and they both say that a few more times. I get confused -- is this an argument, or a call-and-response session?
Suddenly Kevin starts telling Eric that he has to seriously re-evaluate his life, and that Eric's not going to be happy if he doesn't learn not to repress himself. I hope to God that this bizarre non sequitur is the result of Bunim-Murray editing and not Kevin's rhetorical technique.
Eric then proceeds to shove his own shoe and foot in his own mouth without any assistance by telling Kevin how sincerely, how much he admires the black race, and how blacks dominate in sports and entertainment. Kevin then points out the inherent racism in Eric's dumb statement, although in Eric's defense, I think he's more just plain stupid and ignorant than willfully racist or malicious. But, either way, I hate him and would like to see his eyeballs served as cocktail onions on a distant planet.
Kevin goes on about Eric's preconceived notions about black people, and asks Eric if the thought of a black writer -- which, he, Kevin, is -- had ever occurred to Eric before. Eric stutters and says, "Well, I've never had a conversation with one or been friends with one," and I'm sure other than speculating on the originators of those Penthouse Forum letters, Eric has never taken the time to think about writers, at all, of any color, period. Kevin points out the basic stereotypes that American society with which it pigeonholes blacks.
Suddenly they make nice. Literally, out of the blue. Morris walks out, and Kevin goes inside to get his coat so he can walk him to the subway. Kevin makes jokes about how he was ready to duck. Eric jokes back.
CHRIST. An Eric interview. Eric talks about how he doesn't know Kevin, that they've barely met, but that's how it is with all of them, that no one knows what everyone's deep, innermost thoughts are. I'm pretty sure that in any conversation with Eric, you can replace all the personal pronouns with "Eric" and get at a truer sense of the meaning. So what Eric was actually saying was, "Eric doesn't know Kevin, and we've barely met. But that's how it is with all of them, and no one knows what Eric's deep innermost thoughts are."
Oh, God. Eric now talks about Missy. Missy is Eric's love from the seventh grade, and they're each other's One True Love although they've had Big Big Problems.
Eric on the phone. Missy decides to come up for the weekend. I wish I could fully relate the charming and romantic manner in which they address each other. I know that Eric "Ike Turner" Nies's technique consists of barking at Missy that she shouldn't say she's coming up for the weekend if she doesn't intend to do it, and then mapping out the plans for the entire weekend once she says yes.
Heather B., looking up from the pool game, shouts, "Eric, you happy now?" Eric gets all Melancholy Dane and says, "This is the worst part of it, you don't understand." Julie, showing off her newfound Vibe vocabulary, says, "Is she a skeezer?" and Eric says "Don't be calling her a skeezer, or you'll get the pool stick, believe me." Pen. In. My. Eye! Julie, to her credit, doesn't kill him immediately. For SOME reason, Heather asks him about Missy.
So, after Eric's high-school escapades with Drugs and the Police, he tried to convince Missy he was on the straight and narrow. So, from what I can deduce from his garbled story, he told Missy he was gonna go clean, but he didn't: "I wasn't in the right frame of mind, I was a bad boy and I needed to straighten myself up." So apparently Eric went down to Miami to party and was having at it, only Missy Wuz There, but he blew her off and generally acted like a big ass. Heather pipes up, "So you were the skeezer!" and Eric, to his credit, agrees.
Eric, in his interview, says he ruined the most incredible relationship of his life over partying and drugs.
Heather's telling Eric that Missy's seen him at his worst, and probably doesn't believe anything he says. Eric says, "So you're saying I've gotta convince her." Heather, actually being very nice, tells Eric not to commit to Missy -- that Missy might be keeping her options open based on her past experiences with Eric. Eric says indignantly that Missy's already doing that, that she goes "out with some dude!" Heather rolls her eyes and says, "Well, she is a skeezer!" Julie cackles.
Eric's interview. He tells us that he's trying to get Missy to see that he's for real. Yeah. A real big WHAT is the question.
Backward baseball cap. Eric's community service. Eric talks with a community worker about how important family is, and that's why he wants to work with kids, since when he was growing up, his father wasn't always there for him.
Eric's mom's house. Eric's mom pokes him with a fork. He yells, "What? What was that for?" She says, smiling serenely, "I feel much better now." A woman after my own heart.
Eric's interview. Eric yaps about how he's a momma's boy, and how close he is with his mom. He talks about how much he works with kids to set them on the right path.
Eric's community service. She tells him about some midnight basketball programs they have. The craptastic editing in these last sequences is giving me a headache.
Eric chatting with some guys on the basketball court. We find out he dropped out of high school with three months before graduation.
Eric's interview. He says that "if [he] could go back to the first grade" knowing what he knows now, he would've studied his butt off. Probably an easier feat for Eric than finding the brains with which he could have studied. Cut to a shot of Eric leaping toward the basket. Camera cuts away. I'm guessing he didn't actually dunk. Montage of Eric being a Big Brother to various kids. Eric's solemn voice-over assures us, "Coz if you don't have school, you don't have nothing [sic]." Kids, let that be a lesson to you, okay?
Backward baseball cap, gym-queen tee. Eric tells us how it's the first time he's seen Missy since that disastrous night in Miami. Eric, during a pool game, tells his friends he's nervous since Missy never tells him what's on her mind. My guess would be that if you were going out with Eric Nies, you'd only be allowed to have him and various hair products on your mind, ever.
Eric's saying how Missy was a big part of the reason he was able to gain his self-esteem back. For that alone -- well, that and her puerile name -- Missy should be beaten with a rock. Eric continues that the big problem is Missy's parents, who knew all his troubles way back before he became St. Augustine.
"Diamonds and Pearls" play as Eric waits for the arrival of Missy. The elevator opens and she jumps into his arms. So far, no third arm or other obvious impairment is visible on her.
Missy has really, really big hair. She hugs Eric's sister and Eric. Eric really is beaming. Missy looks like the (even) poor(er) man's Paula Abdul, except thinner, because Missy keeps passing out from not eating, as we learn later, so it's good to know that traditional forms of anorexia really do the job.
Eric tells us how happy Missy makes him, how her smile makes him smile, blah blah fucking blah. He and his sister and her boyfriend, go out to dinner. Eric rearranges the seating so that he can see Missy's eyes.
Dumb hunter's cap. Eric tells us how he doesn't know if he's in love, but he thinks about Missy All the Time and how Even Songs on The Radio make him think of her, so maybe he is in love.
Missy in Eric's mom's kitchen. Eric's sister, I think, is telling them how Missy passed out in the shower, how she passes out all the time. Missy's giggling as if it's Victorian England and fainting is still considered an accomplishment of extreme femininity.
Eric and Missy ostensibly being cute. Gag. Me. Eric's interview. He talks about how Missy was having a problem last week, what with feeling faint and all, and how he's really worried about her.
Kevin and Eric in a cab. He talks about waiting for a call from Missy, and tells Kevin about Missy's fainting problems. We see Kevin and Eric going to Madison Square Garden to watch the Knicks. Kevin's voice-over tells us that Eric's probably most comfortable with him at this point, and that they'd worked out some of their problems, or were at a level where they were comfortable with them.
Eric and Kevin switch off on voice-overs. Basically they go to the locker room after the game courtesy of Eric's dad, and they get to see Dennis Rodman, and they get to meet Isaiah Thomas. Eric introduces them and mentions that he probably knows his dad, a referee. Eric and Kevin are both obviously so thrilled at this, and it's really sweet, to see ONE unmanipulated, genuine moment. Eric sees his dad and talks about not seeing him that often. We see a little on-camera interaction with Eric and his dad, and it's the closest I've come to feeling sympathy for Eric, because Eric is trying so hard to get his dad to respond, and his dad seems like a very distant guy. Eric shrugs in his interview and says, "You gotta just take what you get, and make the best of it."
Phone rings. More Prince. Eric and Missy on the phone. Apparently the doctor thinks Missy's fainting fits are coming from overexertion in the gym.
episode: We find out Julie's a virgin. She dates this incredibly gross Suave-o. Kevin appoints himself as Julie's guardian angel, and we see his girlfriend. Awww.