Okay, this is it. The Miami Real World season finale. I'm scanning my insides for emotions. So far there's a little hunger, some minor irritation, and what's that? That joyful one? Glee? Yes, glee. Goodbye, Miami Clown Machine (tm sgib). You ultimate ball-droppers. You nit-picky freakazoids. You two-faced gossipers. You threesome-having hornballs. I will miss you. Not. Okay, maybe a little. Cynthia is the only one I didn't hate even once. She is hella awesome. Hella hella hella.
Okay, lights up on clear, blue, beautiful water. Then, a shot of a washing machine -- lid open, agitator in action. Nice metaphor, camera dudes. The Miami cast were just agitated. We get a few shots of Dan and Joe clearing out drawers and gathering up papers, and Mike voice-overs, "Well, this is it." YAY! Oh, sorry -- you already know how I feel. Flora and Sarah pack up their stuff -- Sarah assembling what may be the funnest box ever, crammed with toys, stuffed animals, and a disco ball -- as Cynthia talks about everyone's "plans" and her lack of such things. But wait! A Miami real estate company offered her a job! But, she has no place to stay. But they said they'll take care of that! Cynthia seems a little shell-shocked at her good fortune, but says that it must have happened for a reason.
Now we see Flora walking behind a man carrying a mattress. Oh, no. Do we have to watch this? We KNOW she's a hootchie! But he's just carrying it to her Jeep. Whew. She says she got an apartment and is staying down here to sleep around...I mean, "bartend." Then, as the mattress guy is getting a rope, Flora switches to full-on bitch mode -- and there's no "off" on that switch -- and reams the guy out and tells him how to really tie a mattress. Because if Flora knows her way around anything, she knows her way around a mattress. Melissa watches Flora in awe. Flora comes over to her and, sotto voce, asks whether one needs to know math to tie a mattress. Melissa asks whether Flora would want someone telling her how to mix drinks. Nice! Flora, posessor of large balls, says that it takes skill to mix drinks, not to tie a mattress. It does take skill to mix drinks. But if Flora sucked at it? She sure as hell wouldn't admit to it. She'd rather be a hard-ass. She then says she's going to call "people like" the mattress guy "hamburger helpers, because that's all they're good for." Oh, shit. When I worked at this antique market in Philly, we used to call lookers-not-buyers "pizza people," because all they had was money for a slice. "Hamburger helpers" is kind of good. But I still hate Flora as she drives off in her stupid Jeep muttering, "You try to be nice to people...."
Oh great, another Flora-and-Mitchell phone fight. She calls. He answers and says, "You have to stop calling here. I'm serious." She says, "You can stick your seriousness up your ass." He's like, what? She continues talking until she realizes he has hung up on her. Immediately, she dials back. What a sick relationship! In an interview, Flora relays that Mitchell is pissed because he dropped his well-paying job in Boston to come work on the business, and now there's no business. Heh. I mean, "Aww." So many people were let down! I wonder if the other roomies ever knew that Mitchell wanted to "work." Does it matter? Not really. But it would have been fun to see them laugh in her face. So, Flora calls back and says, "Listen, bitch." Mitchell reminds her that it is, in fact, she who is the bitch. Flora admits that, yes, she is a bitch. And loudly, most of the audience screams, "YES! WE KNOW!" Myself included. Then, one of the worst, meanest, nastiest things someone can do to someone happens: Flora wishes Mitchell dead: "When you get on that plane, I'm going to curse it and hope for it to crash and you be the only one to die." Oh, how considerate that she didn't wish death on the other passengers. Was Flora around when that plane crashed with Buddy Holly and The Big Bopper and Richie Valens? What about that other rock star plane crash? Flora is so evil, man.
Mike and Joe are watching Leroy the doggie hump an ALF doll. They are not, but could be giving pointers. Dan asks whether dogs have a Kama Sutra. Mike says, "Totally, man!" And I'll bet he's mentioned in the foreword. Or footnoted. Leroy goes to town on the ALF doll, and Joe and Mike crack up. Joe says that he never laughed as hard as he did when Leroy had "his difficulties." Oh my god. "Difficulties"? That's like when Monica on Friends called her virginity her "flower," and male genitalia "tenderness." Jesus. Okay, Leroy has a giant, blazing hard-on. Or shall I soften this and call it a "lipstick"? While Joe cackles and pets Leroy (not like that!), his voice-over opines that he was "really, really concerned for Leroy's health and well-being." I smell a doggie hard-on intervention! Joe says "the only point of love [he] felt in the house" was for the dog. Mike says that he thinks "it won't go back in." Joe calls Alex the Vet, which is so a shout-out to me. Except that it can't be. But let me have my metaphysical shout-outs, okay? Don't hate -- congratulate. ["I'll give you that one, since you do know your way around a dog's hard-on. OH! (Just kidding.)" -- Wing Chun] Alex the vet tells them to leave the doggie hard-on alone; it'll go down by itself in an hour or half an hour. Or! They can pour some sugar on it. Cue up the Def Leppard. Ooh, in the name of love! The lunkheads go for it immediately. Mike says, "It looks like a bowl of cereal, man." Joe manages between giggles, "It's gonna taste good the time he goes for it!" Oh. My. God. Mike says he's glad Sarah isn't there. Why, do you think she would mind that you sugared her dog's throbbing, swollen cock? Lunkheads.
Radiohead churns out their hit "Just" as Flora waits for her man at the airport. Though she told him not to come. And that she hoped the plane would crash and that he would die. Then, she's surprised when Mitchell never bothered to get on the plane. Thom Yorke sings, "Ooh, you do it to yourself!" as Flora storms back to her Jeep to speed home and call her man.
Sarah sees Flora on the phone and says, "There's only one word I can think of: Armegeddon." Cynthia cracks up in the background as Flora bleeps her way through a vicious message, cursing Mitchell, calling him a liar, and telling him he has "two minutes to call [her] back, then [she] starts cutting up [his] clothes." The unbelievable part is that he actually calls her back. And starts making excuses: "You said you weren't going to pick me up!" Mitchell? Grow a pair. Mitchell calls Flora a psycho and a deranged lunatic, and she just says, "Mm hmm." Then he says she's giving him an ulcer; she says not only is she giving him that, but that she'll "give him everything he deserves." Oh Mitchell, what did you do? Must have been something really bad.
A packing montage flashes by. We see Leroy chewing on some tinsel, and then Cynthia gets off the phone and happily says, "Holy shit!" She got a job offer! In Miami! And the perks kick ass! Benefits, beeper, cell phone! She's totally happening. Sarah says, "It's called the hookup." Cynthia says, "This sort of thing doesn't happen to people like me." Aw! She is happy for a few more seconds until the totality of what accepting this job means sinks in, and she worries about being in Florida without her family. She calls home and tells her mom about the furnished apartment on the beach where she'll be staying, and says she's "hooked! But this is the worst time for this to happen. I can't come home now!" Her mom tells Cynthia not to worry, because she'll come to her. Cynthia laughs, relieved.
Some funky guitars wocka-wocka-wock, and we're in the airport. A neon sign flashes, "Thank you for your patience." What a meta-statement that is. Flora charges up an escalator, elbows her way down the ramp up which people exiting the plane are walking, grabs Mitchell as he deplanes, and drags him out of the airport, refusing to speak "because." Flora is a bitch. The wheels on her Jeep squeal as they peel out of the airport and drive into the parking compound of her new apartment. She henpecks Mitchell and refuses to allow him to speak; then she says in voice-over that "[they're] not going to break up anytime soon." That, actually, is a relief. Those assholes deserve each other, and need to be kept from mingling with other people.
A peaceful montage of surfers and crashing waves blend into a shot of Sarah skateboarding her way over to see Cynthia's new "abode," as Cynthia calls it. It looks good! Not too pre-fab, but new and clean. The two girls go out, Cynthia strapped to Rollerblades and Sarah on her skateboard. Cynthia giggles and "yeee!"s as Sarah navigates her over the bumps on the sidewalk. Cynthia says via voice-over that she always liked Sarah from the first day she met her, and that Sarah's remained the same person since the day they moved in together. Back on the sidewalk, Cynthia yells, "I'm rolling, Sarah. I'm rolling. I'm rolling! YEEEE!" Hee. Sarah drops in and says she thinks that Cynthia is amazing and awesome and is hella rad. Except for the last part. My boyfriend calls Sarah "Tina Yothers-esque," and I crack up.
Flora is packed and ready to go. Good. Get yer ass gone. Mike doesn't hug her. Who would? In an interview, with her hair pulled back so tightly that her head resembles an egg, she says (again, some more) that she's been the same since she moved in, and that "this is how [she is]," and blah blah blah total bitchcakes. Sarah compares Flora to Madonna in that "you'll never know what she's going to do." We get a few shots of Flora flashing the camera and trying to sneak into she shower room as the threesome was happening. Dan says that it's "interesting to watch Flora like it's interesting to watch someone with Tourette's Syndrome; you never know what they're going to do ." Are people with Tourette's happy with this analogy? I thought not. Flora's Jeep pulls out and, as a last word, Flora flips off the camera. Fuck you too, Flora.
Cynthia and Sarah look at the photos of their nice-but-boring vacation and ooh and ah. Cynthia says that Sarah's "boobs look huge" in one shot. Hee. More fucking packing happens. Um, hello? Editors? CUT IT OUT. We GET. IT. Joe actually says, "That's some quality packing right there." Oh my lord. They are so hurting for footage. The soundtrack pounds us over the head with "WEEEEEE were FRIENDS!" and Dan does a little imitation of The Count for us. "One! One suitcase! Ah ah ah ah ah!" Leroy barks. My dog pricks up his ears. I remind him it's only a TV dog. I ask my boyfriend, "Is there any more macaroni and cheese left? No? Can I lick the pan, then?" Seriously. Okay, I'll hit "play" again on the VCR remote. Cyn waxes on that there were "down days and up days," but that "it was all good." Sure, whatever. Leroy humps ALF. Dan calls Arnie's answering machine and says goodbye, noting that it is in fact wack to say goodbye to someone over a machine. Dan still manages to work himself into a lather and squeeze a few tears out, even though it's an ANSWERING MACHINE he's talking to. Best performance on an answering machine tape goes to...Drama Queen Dan! Jeff Buckely's "Last Goodbye" starts up and we get a sweet montage of Dan and Arnie, sitting in various trees and couches and kissing through glass doors. Dan is still talking and the tape finally beeps in his ear. Dude. Johnny, the then-current boyfriend, helps pack the car and drives Dan away. Bye!
Cynthia says she'll miss Sarah, Mike, and Joe a lot. The rest of them can go to hell in a hurry. Just kidding. She, Sarah, and Mike sit on their uncomfortable-looking couch and dish on Flora. Sarah says that she actually liked Flora. My homegirl Michelle says she did too. I don't, obviously. Cynthia says that Sarah liked Flora because Flora "was the same since she got [to the house], she's been bad ever since the beginning. And the reason why we don't like Melissa is because she was bad, but pretended not to be. We're not even gonna go there." Mike sits slumped, smug. He had a threesome. Leroy barks. Sarah says she'll miss Mike because he was the only person "who liked to play." A few shots zip by: Sarah saying, "You reek of broads!" and her playing with his face. I think they got high together. You know, smoked weed? I'm only guessing. Mike says he thinks Sarah is "the best person [he's] ever met." Aw!
Here we get to Exhibit A: Joe is a horndog. He and Mike say that they've seen everyone's tits in the house except Sarah's; Sarah says it's because she has none to see. I get some extreme recapper's déjà-vu. Have I recapped this before? What am I remembering? Did I make a funny joke? Joe salaciously describes Sarah sunbathing by the pool earlier that day. "She came out in little shorties..." Cynthia interrupts, "She had on Daisies?" Oh man, do I have to do this? Gentlemen, start your boners. A montage of Sarah-looking-hot-in-a-bikini flashes by, set to some hair metal. They conclude that "there's no finer ass in South Beach." Sarah, totally mortified, has slid off the couch and is lying on the floor, rubbing her face. I love humility.
Weepy weepy airport scene coming up! Johnny hands Dan a card in an envelope. Is the card from Hallmark's new line of Saying Tender Things to your Gay Lover category? There's the popular Tearful Airport Goodbyes section, and He's Departing to Italy, and the never overlooked Being Blown off for your Better Opportunity Will Only Help Me Become a Stronger Person. Dan incoherently babbles, "The relationship we have going is just a part of my life as it is his...." The fuck, what now? Is he reading off the card? Dan says he doesn't "know what this goodbye means." Does it mean more or less than a regualr goodbye? Is it bigger than a breadbox? Just read the card. They hug and sniffle. Dan voice-overs that he's "moving to Italy to pursue the lucrative career of modeling." Yeah, we know. Then he says he's not ready to say goodbye to Johnny, and that he'll miss him a lot and send him lots of spaghetti and think of him all the time, he promises. Johnny looks so sad! They are both totally crying and kiss. George Michael sings "Like Jesus to a Child" as Dan loads his luggage on the x-ray machine belt and turns around for one last look. Sniff!
Oh my god, are people still leaving the house? Mike weaves his way around suitcases and says that the thing he learned is, "If you see a beautiful woman and go up to talk to her, and if she has an Adam's apple, she's probably a guy." Heh. Cynthia asks Joe whether he's done upstairs, and he says he's "really close." Oh my god, MOVE OUT already. My boyfriend asks whether this is "the packing episode." Hee! Joe and Sarah eat popsicles and Alice in Chains wails, "Yeah, it's over nooow!" So can I stop? Please? Oh lord. Sarah hauls all her stuff into Joe's convertible and says that while "everyone thinks a chapter is closing in their life, this is just another episode in [her] life." That's healthy. Joe sits in the confessional and says, "Yeah boy, it's over." But he keeps talking. Sarah closes the door and walks out, then pivots, remembering she left all her clothes hanging up in the closet. Joe babbles on that he graduated and got engaged and "ended a real huge chapter in [his] life." Whatever. Everyone should know that being on The Real World isn't really a chapter that closes. It's an ongoing thing. Hence, the billions of reunion shows. He keeps talking about "choosing to be with a woman for the rest of [his] life," and yaaarrgh! Thar she is! The visitor from Monster Island! Ick! Walking by the briny, briny sea from which she were spawn! Ahrr. Finally, he and Sarah drive away. Buh bye!
The Cranberries's "Dream" start up as Cynthia walks toward her new office, saying that her dreams have come true and that it's like a Cinderella story and that she thought she was going to wake up and think it was a dream and to want to go back to sleep and dream that dream again, but it was reality. I don't make this stuff up, people. That's that. Fade to back.
But wait! More of Joe calling the vet about Leroy's swollen, throbbing cock! He giggles and the vet says that if the leg is being pulled, he's "not going to deal with it." Heh. Joe swears to god. The vet says he's going to hang up if Joe doesn't get has act together. Then Joe leaves a message thanking "the guy that helped him with the sugar on [his] dog's shaft. It worked." Hee hee! Bye.