The guys grill Svet on her dysfunctional relationship. No one thinks that Svet and Russian Mafia Boyfriend are going to last. Paula tries to join in the convo, but she's shaking so hard from hunger that she barely makes any sense. Meanwhile, Zach goes out with a vapid bartendress. More busting on Russian Mafia BF. "John wants to fuck me," Svet tells us. Heh. Jealous, Paula tries to egg Svet into defending Martin so that John won't fuck her and might instead throw Paula's bones a bone. Svet goes on to out her father as a homicidal maniac. Zach invites Bartendress and friends over for a romantical fishing date. Svet is jealous and doesn't want any girls coming over. The girls come over. The two groups of girls do lots of pretending to be nice to each other. Mafia BF yells at Svet on the phone. More talking with roommates about Svet's ridiculous relationship. The kids go to a club, and Svet dances on the bar in short-shorts. John and Svet flirt hard and discuss their attraction, as Svet drunkenly eats an entire pie. (Damn, how jealous is Paula?) Drunk Svet admits that she was raped by her first boyfriend and now is always looking for someone to protect her; consequently, she's mad that Mafia Boyfriend didn't get all Dasvedanya on Mr. Rapey. And...suddenly, with one phone call, Svet and BF are fine again.
Previously. Zach said the word "relational." He's single and lonely. Janelle lied that Svet's Russian Mafia Boyfriend Martin is "cute." Svet kissed Martin goodbye at the airport. She told us they've been together for three years. John said that things are going to get "interesting" upon meeting Svet. Oh, how I wish that had been at all true.
Credits. Model's back with the logo suntanned on it. Her three seconds of ass fame ends just like that.
Deck. Raining. Hammock. Table. Choppy seas. The kids shoot pool. Lingering shots of the clear balls. Heh. Clear balls. Svet talks about Martin, saying that things aren't great and that he's still doing the same dumb shit with his friends. (Breaking into houses and killing people in Philly's Little Russia, I'm sure.) Jose camera-brows that Svet is needy and needs attention and that's why she's with Martin. Jose also hypothesizes that she's only with Martin for the security. Svet tells Jose that if Martin is threatened by any of the guys in the house, he doesn't act like it. John asks Svet whether Martin knows that she wants his cock. Ha. John drunkenly says that he takes his cues from the girl, and that if she just talks shit about her relationship, that means she's open to something. Right on cue, Svet says that she cried when she had to leave Martin to come here, and that Martin didn't show any emotion at all. This is the first time Svet has been away from Martin. Paula sits behind them on the couch, pulling her hair out, she's so upset because she's not getting the attention. (And also because she has no nutrients in her body.) But Paula's saved by the bell as Martin calls, his borscht-filled ears obviously having been burning.
Phone room. It is Martin. While she talks, John tells us that Svet is dependent on Martin and currently has no other option. Yeah, a nineteen-year-old with a body like that has no options when it comes to guys. Maybe no taste, considering she's digging on you, John, but trust me, the girl has options. Jose brilliantly points out how "weird" it was that Martin called right when they were talking about him. John makes some dumb point about how he thinks it's a "cop-out" to come on The Real World when you're in a relationship. Dude, that's just 'cause your fratty ass got dumped months ago. John camera-gels that while she talks about having a boyfriend all the time, Svet contradicts that with her actions. Paula's spotty chest babbles for a while that Svet's time here might make it clear whether or not Svet should be with Martin. No, it won't. And no, she shouldn't. And also, I need a sandwich. And some scotch. A scotch sandwich! I wonder if they make that. I'll call Quiznos now.
(They don't.)
Svet sighs. The world responds in kind.
Night. Club. Paula waits with Zach for one of the bartenders, a boring-looking blonde, to get off work. She gets off work. They leave Paula alone at the bar. She immediately Meredith Baxter Birneys down all the peanuts and pickled-eggs-in-a-jar on the bar and then weeps uncontrollably until one of the sound guys has to Sherpa her home. The Graphic of Stupid tells us that Zach's "friend" is named Crystal. Like crystals, she's cheap and meaningless! Zing!
Some weird bar balcony. Zach and Crystal talk. She fascinatingly drones about her schedule at work. Zach camera-fros that it's nice to to be attracted to someone here in Key West. She has no eyebrows and a pinchy, blank face and keeps looking away from Zach while they have inane and awkward conversation. Sweet. Crystal had a boyfriend, but he "broke up with" her. (Rather blunt of her to admit.) They're both "excited" to have a "friend" here in Key West. (She doesn't look remotely excited, by the by.) Zach says that if he comes across as too intense, it's because they've lost all powers of socialization being in the house. Okay, now that's kind of cute. (Shut up.) Zach walks Crystal down some stairs and says he'll call her the day. (Over-eager.) (Also, horny.)
Night. Moon. Bike. Fake bell sound. Deck. House. John pours himself some Jager, with the two dots over the "a" that I can't find on my keyboard. (Yeah, time John even tries to deny being a typical frat boy...) Tyler -- either playing a stereotype for fun or actually being one -- asks Svet whether she likes Barbra Streisand. She says she likes the movie Nuts. Tyler finds that incredibly hysterical, for some reason. (Oh, I get it: Svet Likes Nuts! Heeeeee.) John makes a toast. Tyler says it's to Svet's "soon-to-be-ex-boyfriend." Svet flirts that the only reason John is doing this is because he thinks he has a chance with her if she and Martin break up. "John wants to fuck me," Svet camera-blunts. Ha. John tries to justify. It doesn't work. They all toast. Paula chews food-gum and watches, jealous.
Outside. Deck beds. Svet and Paula hang out. Svet repeats the thing about guys always bashing her boyfriend because they want to sleep with her. Paula desperately tries to get Svet to put the brakes on John's flirting, saying how wrong it is that Svet lets John talk so much shit about Martin. Svet worms away from Paula's plan, however, hopping over a huge logic gap by suddenly saying that people talk shit about Martin because Martin always lets it go. Wearing a goofy flower behind her ear, Svet camera-boobs that Martin has never made her feel like she could depend on him. Svet rasps to Paula that a guy once hit her across the face and Martin never did anything about it. Paula looks deeply offended for her. Or just insane with hunger. Paula would want her boyfriend to kill any guy who slapped her. Yeah, but how would Paula know it even happened? With her brittle bones, the blow would cave in her skull. Svet cries that she doesn't feel protected. Paula makes her move on Svet, sneakily moving over to the other deck bed to sit to the crying Svet. Rrowr! Svet says that she relies on her dad to feel protected: "Dudes are just there to, like, keep me happy, screw me, and take me out, and celebrate my anniversaries." Wow. Except for the "keep me happy" part, that sounds really easy! Is that all we guys need to do? Man, I've been trying way too hard. Svet goes on to say that while her father doesn't know about the slap, if he did, the guy would be "decapitated in pieces." Man, I don't even know how that's physically possible, what she just said. But her dad sounds like a bad-ass. All of this backstory is why Svet, right now, doesn't want to talk to Martin. Svet's dead face camera-talks that she seems like a strong person, but that, when it comes to her personal life, she can be pretty weak. Svet says that she's spent so long molding and molding Martin into being the type of guy she wants, that she fears by the time she's done molding, she'll be so exhausted she won't want him anymore. Svet wipes a booger off her nose and inspects it. Commercials.
Houses. The house. Shark. Crab. Zach calls Crystal and invites her over to fish. Man, that date is straight-up romantical, yo! "We have fishing dates," Zach announces. I guess Crystal's bringing friends. John is psyched. Tyler, too. Svet, however, is bummed, and whines that she doesn't want people over and that it's her house, too. Zach camera-matzos that Svet can't be jealous if they want to bring friends over -- so he's very excited to introduce Crystal to Svet, he says snarkily.
Zach and Tyler play tennis on their own court. Crystal and two friends arrive. Jose and John peek out the window looking to see if the friends are hot. They're not. John is nevertheless bummed that the girls didn't bring bikinis.
Outside, Zach and Tyler introduce the girls to the girls. Svet goes into acting mode as she greets them all. Svet mimes serving drinks, as she recognizes how she knows Crystal, and then camera-lies, "Crystal, she's sooooo cute. She's really, really sweet." Svet Pinocchios further, saying that she gets really "protective" of her roommates and don't want them bringing people to the house because she doesn't want to see them get "hurt." That wouldn't even make sense if you rearranged the words in a different order. They all sit and talk, and Crystal reveals that she used to be an ice hockey goalie. John tells the girls that if they didn't bring bathing suits, they're just going to have to skinny-dip. "Welcome to my house!" says a faux-embarrassed Zach, proving once again to be the only cast member with a slightly-evolved sense of humor.
Tour of the house. More talking. Fish tank. Couch-sitting. Zach camera-talks that Crystal is great and that he's not saying he's in love with her (oh boy), but that everyone in the house really likes her and that he's hoping a relationship with Crystal can be fun and stress-free. She's a girl. Good luck! Tyler and Janelle are in the computer room doing that private little thing they do, and Zach comes in and tells Tyler that he had a fun time with Crystal and wants it to be mellow and etc. There is a beat, and then Tyler says, "I can't even listen to him. I just get lost in his eyes." Okay, that was funny, too.
Dripping faucet. Dirty dishes. Phone room. Svet bitches to Martin that one of the reasons she came here is so that things could change between them, and that if she comes home and everything's exactly the same, then this all was pointless. Jose sneaks around outside, trying to listen in. Go wax your 'brows, homie. Leave her alone. Svet camera-boobs that Martin thinks this is going to be the deciding factor in their relationship -- how they handle this separation, whether they last or not. Svet warns Martin that when she comes back, she won't hang out with his friends any more. Martin yells that that's impossible. Svet camera-explains that Martin's friends talk shit about her all the time, and that he doesn't stand up to them. Martin yells, sounding fucking batshit crazy. He has the perfect storm of severe emotional problems, a hint of an accent, and poor diction that makes him sound like a total fucking nutjob. He's very rude, yelling that his friends are his friends and that they're not going to change. Martin adds that while his relationship with Svet might change, his friends are never going to, and tough shit, and there is nothing she can do about it. Martin keeps yelling, descending further into madness, saying that she's there and he's alone and she can't say these things to him. Svet finally yells back, "When it comes to being a bitch and having no backbone, you are number one." Ooh! Take that, ya Ruskie bastard! Svet brings up the fact that, after the dude slapped her, Martin was shaking the guy's hand the day. Martin cryptically says, "You've never been in this situation, so I don't want to fucking hear your opinion, you understand?" Wow. He is in the mafia! I knew it. Martin goes on to yell that if Svet thinks she has to sacrifice something to be with him, then she should do him a favor and not fucking be with him. Svet makes a shocked face. Commercials.
House. House. House. Flag. House. House. House. House. Jesus, what's with all the angles? By the fish tank, most of the kids talk. Svet says that she doesn't want Martin to dump her, but that she wants something to change and for them to stop arguing. Tyler says that he has a "novel" idea: Svet should try being single for a while. Svet chomps on some food and says that would break Martin's giant vodka-fueled mafia heart. Tyler camera-snarks that Martin must be a sado-masochist to be going out with Svet. Tyler, because something hasn't been about him for ten seconds, helpfully tells Svet that her relationship with Martin irritates him, and that he doesn't even care about their relationship. Svet calls him out on it, saying that everything irritates him -- even the hair on her body (huh?) -- and he calmly says, "No, just your relationship, mainly." In a claim as ridiculous as Randy Quaid demanding $10 million for Brokeback Mountain, Svet whines that that's not fair, and that there are so many great things about her relationship. Tyler tells her to make a decision, because a man will never make a decision. John, making himself a quesadilla, concurs. Tyler says that a man will never "separate himself from that pussy." Heeeee. Tyler adds that if Martin is as immature as Svet is (impossible), then they're doomed. John says something pointless. Svet incongruously says that she doesn't miss Martin at all -- that she'd rather break up with him now than later, and waste all this time.
Crap club. Dancing. Svet gets low. She tells us that she's never just experienced going out to a club and doing whatever she wants.
Cut to Svet doing whatever she wants. She dances on the bar, shaking her ass in Daisy Dukes. Paula sticks out her tongue, waiting for someone to put some food on it. John carries Svet upside down, displaying her Real World to everyone. Zach carries Paula, but probably doesn't know it. She probably just hopped up there and he felt a slight breeze but nothing else. They pile into a cab.
Cab. Zach calls Svet "Fitz," which is her nickname for some unknown reason. Svet flirts with John, claiming that he only likes her when she's drunk. Zach tries to horn in from the backseat, saying that if Svet breaks up with Martin, he and John will make out with her. She makes a face. John drunkenly slurs, "Stop saying 'John and I,' dude. There's no twosome to any of this...twosomeness." Heh. Zach camera-fros that when Svet looks to John, she sees a guy she wants to strangle and then make out with. John camera-frats that Svet is the most flirtatious girl in the house, and that they have an attraction...and then he trails off. Zach predicts that something will happen between John and Svet.
House. Kitchen. Svet puts on her bikini. She wants to go into the hot tub, but John bows out: "I don't want to get involved in that, dude." Svet whines. She eats a whole pie with ice cream. After twenty years living with it, John forgets where his mouth is: he spills water all over himself. John slurs, wondering what would happen if Svet were single. He says that she would go right out and find a new dude. Svet agrees, saying that being alone is "so depressing." John camera-talks that he told himself a while ago that he wasn't going to get together with anyone in the house. More drunk talking. "I'm a creature of attachment," says Svet. John says that's the problem -- that he's the exact opposite way. She's had enough pie, and leans back in her stool (ew), saying that she fell in love with Martin two weeks after meeting him. "That's pretty quick, dude," deduces John. Svet tells us that she realizes that was too soon, and that she was just trying to pretend he was someone he wasn't because she needed not to be alone. John yells at her for something she did three years ago, saying that she needs to fall for who people actually are, not what she hopes they'll become. "I can't! I can't!" she says, hugging her knee.
Svet wants to tell John something, but he says he doesn't want to hear about her past. Oh, but he's going to hear about it. We all are. Svet now poses a "hypothetical situation." Basically, she admits that her first boyfriend, the one before Martin, raped her. Cue the sad music. "This is kind of making me see her in a different light," voice-overs John, awkwardly reading his lines. Svet goes on with the hypothetical, and it's very confusing, but basically she says that Mr. Rapey came up to Martin when they started going out and said, "We're cool, right?" and Martin didn't say anything, basically letting him off the hook for raping Svet. John and Svet argue this point back and forth, but Svet clearly doesn't like that John wouldn't say anything to Mr. Rapey either...in this hypothetical situation posed on this bullshit tired-ass reality show. Svet camera-talks that Mr. Rapey did it and wasn't punished and that's why she's always searching for someone to stand up for her. John slurs that the fact that Martin didn't do anything to this guy doesn't mean he doesn't love her. John says that there is nothing that can take the situation back. Svet semi-weeps, camera-talking that, after the rape, she felt so insecure and it changed everything for her. John says that she needs to start looking out for herself. His lame, drunken pep-talk continues. John says that she's awesome and that he's glad she's there. Now they joke: John says that Svet's exhausting and that he thought Paula was the "biggest head case" in the house. Svet tells him to stop saying that -- unclear if she means not to talk shit about Paula, or how dare he compare her to Paula. John camera-talks that he thinks of Svet as a younger sister (that he wants to bone), and that he is here to support her. To his credit, John hugs Svet in her bikini and doesn't touch her boobs. He just sends her chastely upstairs to bed...and then feverishly masturbates in the bathroom.
A sad, girly piano song plays. Candles. House. Fast clouds. Sad statue. Day. House. Svet talks with Martin on the phone. She tells him that she doesn't miss him, and that it scares her. He tells her to start missing him. She mildly snorts a laugh. And because even the worst problems on The Real World get worked out within one five-minute segment, Svet voice-overs that when you have something like she and Martin have, you have to hold onto it and work through the bumps and bruises. No, you don't. They say they love each other. Svet hangs up. She goes upstairs, stretching her mouth. (Getting ready for what?)
On the ...Tyler tells us that he always needs be challenged, so he's trying to break into Triathlons. Okay. Svet wants to be manager of their Mystic Tan franchise. Zach is voted manager. Svet thinks that the decision is "personal." I think the decision is boring.