Previously: Kevin and Julie have a Really. Big. Fight. They sort of make up by the end, but Julie states that she never wants to be left alone with Kevin ever again. The lofties then throw a party where some bitty asks for a cup, and she and Heather B. get into a little altercation. The bitty accuses Heather of assaulting her. Heather B. gets semi-arrested.
Can I say how happy this episode made me? Can I say how sublime it is when, every time Eric opens his mouth in this episode, Heather B. mows him down like he's a dry blade of grass? But I'm getting ahead of myself.
The lofties stand outside as Heather gets put into the back of a police car. She looks extremely tough. John Waters was right -- everyone does look better under house arrest. Heather B. and the female cop exchange information and, apparently, a rapport. The cops give Heather B. the name and number of the woman who accused Heather of assault, but as Heather tells us, "I never pressed charges because I found out the other woman never pressed charges against me." Cut to a close-up of the bitty fixing her make-up. Heather tells us that the bitty wanted Heather to apologize and pay for any damages, and Heather told her (the policewoman, I'm assuming) "So break out, and get out of my face, because I wasn't trying to hear her."
Cut to the lofties, post-Heather's arrest. She's telling them that she's been called a bitch plenty of times, but the bitty kicked her, too, and that's why she hit her. Damn. Do not fuck with Heather!
scene. Julie's lying on the bed as Heather wheels and deals. She's trying to make another record. Cut to Heather in the recording studio, rapping away. It sounds a little on the Sugar Hill tip. She cuts off abruptly in mid-song. Her producer says she sounded kind of fresh. Heather shrugs and says, "Oh yeah?" The producer sighs and says, "Today is not my day. Every day with Heather is not my day."
Heather tells us in her one-on-one that you need hungry people to work with you, people who haven't had too much success and are willing to work hard. Later we see Heather and Julie at the loft, and Heather is pretty despondent. She's telling Julie that no one at the company cares about her. Andre says, "I care!" and then jokes, "Maybe some day I'll be at a record company." Aw, that's nice!
God help us all. Andre's band Lamedance -- I mean Reigndance -- is making a video. Andre, his Kelly LeBrock-esque hair flowing, tells us that they're making a video for the song "Lazybones," which is about "being broke and not knowing what to do about it." Well, you could shut up about it. Just a thought.
Cut to Andre shaking his maracas and doing that whole white-man's-overbite thing. A weak bass line does not rock the house but instead plays morosely, as some A/V dorks whirl around à la Lord of the Dance, capturing every moment of rock 'n' roll history. Andre then tells us that the song is about "worrying that you're worrying about it," and that at its core it's real simple. Something tells me that Cliff's Notes could not have done a better job of summing up this little ditty.
Andre gets all auteur on us, and hands out a few camera directions. Bill Richmond, Becky's ex-fling, or maybe her current one on this episode, is the A/V dork directing the video. Various shots of the "making of the video" follow. At one point, the band members sit on the steps, and every single one of them has lush, flowing locks almost to mid-chest. They're almost all wearing leather jackets and stone-washed denim jeans with strategically placed rips. I thought Andre was in a band, not the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders. More of Andre yapping about the video, and how's it's so "real" and just "us."
Back to the loft. Heather calls out, "Andre! Don't hate me because I'm beautiful." Andre laughs and says that he won't. Cut to Eric, sitting at the dining-room table and -- surprise, surprise -- not wearing a shirt. With a trace of a Jersey accent, Eric calls out, "Yo, we gonna get loose tonight, Heather?" Heather, absolutely calm, says, "Eric, what I told you earlier today. I don't like you, right?" Eric says, "Well, just pretend I'm not here." Um, Eric, how's she going to do that when you're yelling her name? Heather tells him that ignoring him won't work because his horrible, whiny, affected voice pierces her very eardrums like a serrated knife. Although, I could be projecting some of my sentiments onto her. She says she can hear his voice. Eric says he won't talk. Heather says cheerfully, "Alright!"
Eric is reading aloud the marketing labels on some health-food type items. He is not doing it very well. Julie looks perturbed and disgusted. Eric finishes reading a label, and Julie says seriously that she knows there's more to him than the ingredients of some of those boxes, and she likes what she knows. Eric sort of shrugs and says, "Well, you know that." Julie says that everyone should have the opportunity to know the real him. Eric says he doesn't want everybody to know it. Eric, this is the only time I'll ever say it, but smart move. We all know that even if the Dam of Emotions in the River o' Eric were released, the only thing that would come out would be some reprocessed sewage and a few scattered GNC vitamin bottles. Dead serious, Eric says that he's so sensitive, people take advantage when they see what's really inside him and what he's really about.
Cut to Heather telling Eric she doesn't like him. Eric then goes on and on about how generous he is and how, for example, he lets people use his phone whenever they want, but then they abuse it. Cut to Heather chatting away on a black cordless phone. Eric babbles some more about how he gets taken advantage of because he's so nice. The phone rings. It's not for Eric.
Julie's one-on-one. She tells us that Eric and Heather's relationship is like a roller coaster, and you can't get too involved or watch it, and like that same roller coaster, it's great when it's up and terrible when it's down.
"Peter Gunn" plays in the background. Shots of Eric and Heather are intercut with scenes of fish fighting and of the dog and cat, who are SO CUTE (and that's my only foray into crazy animal-ladydom today), fighting. WHOA! Did everyone catch that there? Did everyone get how Eric and Heather are not getting along, just like certain animal types in nature?
Anyway. Eric accuses the cat of knocking over a bottle of his vitamins. He announces, "The cat will die tonight." Heather tells Eric calmly that whatever way Smokey goes out, Eric will go out. Frankly, I'd be scared of anyone who's angry and speaks that calmly. You know they will kick your ass. Eric starts joking that they're gonna have a scrapper. Heather tells Eric not to fuck with her cat. Eric starts detailing how he's going to torture her cat. ["But in a nice way, right?" -- Niki] I sure hope that's still funny Eric, when you're in hell.
shot is of Eric and Heather physically fighting. It looks like Eric's got the best of her until Heather turns the tables and gets him by the neck and demands that he apologize. Oooh. I don't mean to be petty and puerile, but HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HAAAAAH!!
Heather's ironing. She tells Julie, who's listening sympathetically, that from hereon out, she just needs to do everything herself and stop waiting for other people to do it for her -- and that includes her music. Oh, Heather, you're so cute! And you don't blame other people for your shit! After almost ten seasons of this show I realize what a prize you are. Shots of Heather rapping are intercut as she talks about her frustrations with the record biz. Heather says the reason she doesn't care about anything else right now is because she's got all the music stuff on her mind along with paying her rent and trying to live.
Oh GOD. Andre and the boys of Staindance are in the editing room cutting the video. Andre says that he hates videos because they're such a farce, and they so obviously try to project an image that the group does not match. You mean like the image that Dead Can't Dance is trying to project -- like they're musicians? Anyways. Andre tells us how the aim of the video was to show the musicians as they really were. We see bits and pieces of the video, which is your standard long-haired-rockers-with-no-money-in-the-city stuff, except there is one part where Andre's neighbor spits out his dentures and sucks them back in, which is cool, in a twelve-year-old boy kind of way.
Back in the loft. Everyone's eating dinner. Shot of Heather eating dinner. Cut to Eric, whose hair is so greased back, it looks like it was carved out of Crisco. Julie is looking around nervously. Eric asks how was everyone's weekend. Norman says, with a slight sneer, "It was fucked." Heather cracks up. So does Kevin. Eric looks pissed. Andre asks Eric what he did. Eric starts telling them that on Friday, he and Julie got a ride down to his house. Right then, Kevin cuts this enormous burp. A really nasty, horrible burp that sounds like a barge cutting through the Panama Canal. Kevin, with a smirk, says that it was better than an orgasm. Hmm. I'm torn here. Anything that pisses off Eric is Good in the Book of Manimal. However, Kevin is a schmuck and that belch was actually pretty rude. Eric busts out in his best Lifetime Television voice, "You know what I find interesting about this group of people here?" and gets all pissy about being interrupted.
Eric's one-on-one. He says that he's fed up with the loft, and that he always tries to start a conversation and no one's into it. Hmm. Maybe that's because...oh, I don't know...because you're a narcissistic twerp?
Back to the dinner table. Eric tells everyone that he's ready to leave. Heather, with Norman sitting on her lap, says, "Good-bye, Eric. You need any help packing?" Eric looks like his feelings are pretty hurt. Heather keeps telling him, "You want to go home? Go!"
Eric: I think Heather has the most problems in this loft.
Heather: Eric IS the center of all the problems in this loft.
Eric: I don't think she has any feelings at all.
Heather: He complains the most out of anyone here!
Eric: I liked her a little in the beginning, but I don't like her now.
Back to the dinner table. Eric storms up the stairs. Becky says, "Oh, give him a break, Heather." Heather shrugs it off: "He said he wanted to go home, I said go!" Julie does Nice Girl and runs upstairs after Eric.
Heather disses Eric for being such a wimp that he'd actually leave if she told him to go home, and says that Eric, in the way he acts and treats other people, needs to "break out." I don't know. In all fairness, if anyone said to me what Heather said to Eric, I'd probably burst into tears. Although, before anyone accuses me of going soft, Eric is still a big weenie.
Cut to Julie giving Eric a reassuring hug and asking him if he's okay. Cut back to Heather saying that Eric needs to be the center of attention all the time and that he's a big baby and needs to grow UP. Amen!
Back to Eric, talking about how the stuff going on in the loft "builds up" inside of him until he doesn't know what to do. Um, Eric? If you're going to steal lines, steal them from someone good or even great, not The Bold and the Beautiful. Julie tries to cheer Eric up, and Eric says he just wants to be by himself. Julie lets him go.
Julie's one-on-one. She tells us that Eric and Heather have a strange relationship, and they'll probably never be on a comfortable footing. Later on, in their room, Heather tells Julie that if Eric moves out, it's his loss, and that she'll think about it, but she won't lose any sleep over it.
Oh Christ. Eric is telling Becky and Kevin How He Feels. He says that when Heather starts to feel threatened she gets all, "I don't care." Kevin asks why Eric doesn't tell her that. Eric shrugs and says, "Because then she'd get all, 'You can't beat me.'"
Shots of Heather rapping intercut with her one-on-one. She says she feels sorry for people who can't express themselves, and that Eric is one of them. She says it's because he's too caught up with how he looks and other superficial things.
Back to Eric. He says that with his friends, he tells them straight out when something's bothering him, but that with Heather, he doesn't want to make the situation worse for himself. DAMN. I hate to say it, but he has a point. I mean, Eric is a schmuck, but Heather definitely antagonizes him. Damn, damn, damn! Whatever, Eric's still a schmuck.
Heather's one-on-one. She tells us that there's almost a phoniness about Eric, and that he's frontin' all the time.
Kevin tells Eric that he needs to be open with Heather, and that, for instance, when Kevin is, he sometimes regrets it, but usually he feels much better. Yep, and we've all seen how well KEVIN relates to others, haven't we? Talk about the blind leading the plain goddamned ignorant. Eric says that Kevin and Julie are the only people in the loft he can talk to about this problem.
Oh Christ. Cut to Eric wearing -- of course -- an unbuttoned, plaid flannel shirt, a BERET, and plaid boxers, rollerblading down the street. Not only is that completely dangerous, but he also looks like an escapee from Xanadu Mental Hospital.
Eric tells Becky and Kevin that his time in the loft is his first time living with strangers and living away from home. I think he's trying to justify his behavior or whine about how tough the situation is. Kevin says that he's been on his own since he was eighteen and at college. Becky tells Eric that it is all part of that great big adventure we call Growing Up, except she says it in a much nicer fashion.
Becky tells us that they were trying to make Eric realize that if he wants to learn to get along with others, he has to learn how to be self-sufficient and get along without his family. Becky says that Eric needs to stay away from his family and get out on his own more.
The caption, "A Week Later," appears on the screen. Eric is helping un-braid the extensions from Heather's hair. What the? Of course, Eric isn't wearing a shirt. Is he allergic to the touch of all fibers against his chest? Jesus.
Kevin tells us that the hair thing was a pretty deep experience since Eric and Heather couldn't even speak a week ago. Heather tells us that she and Eric had a really big discussion, and that they've gotten along great ever since. Shots of Eric and Heather squabbling in a friendly way over her hair are intercut with Eric and Heather's one-on-ones. Heather says she told Eric that just because she tells him stuff that she doesn't like about him, it doesn't mean that they're not friends. Eric says he thinks that Heather realized she sometimes hurts his feelings without meaning to and she needs to think before she speaks, since he knows she does care, deep down inside. Heather tells us that, after that talk, they've gotten along great. Oh, all right -- sniff.
Cut to Heather outside the bathroom door, squawking at Eric, who's in the shower, to hand her the soap. Julie's also in the bathroom, peeing during this conversation. The door opens, and Julie starts screaming, "Hey, hey, I'm on the toilet!" Eric yells at "you bastards!" to close the door. Kevin and Heather are cracking up. From downstairs, Norman calls, "You kids and your bodies, constantly exploring!" Why, oh why, wasn't there more Norman in these damned episodes??? Norman asks, "Was she doing the wipe? Nothing more humiliating than doing the wipe." Kevin shakes his head disbelievingly and laughs, "Julie's on the toilet, and Eric's in the shower in the same bathroom!" Norman says, "See? They're probably doing their first sex thing!"
Meanwhile, in the Bathroom of Doom, please say it ain't so... Julie's sniffing a towel and pretending it's gross. Eric refuses to use it. Hell-o, Queenie! Andre calls up, "How was it, Julie? Was it everything you'd hoped it would be?" Julie tells Eric that she will blow him dry (gag) with a blow-dryer before she looks for another damn towel. I hate to say it, but there is definitely Unrelieved Sexual Tension in the air.
Eric's in a snit. He thinks Heather took his towel. Heather insists that the towel was hers originally. Heather tells us that she knows she got her towels from the JC Penny collection and that Eric didn't. Julie takes a towel up to Eric and solemnly tells him its fiber content and absorbency. The roommates tease him for a while, and in his one-on-one, he says, "If we had some laundry detergent, I'd be able to wash some damn towels."
Andre and the Hair Crew screen their video in the loft. Heather's really happy for him. Julie gives him a big hug. Andre says wryly, "My favorite line was, 'It's so much better than I thought it was going to be.'" Then we have to watch it. The Whole. Video. Okay, so it's only like two minutes of the video, but it SEEMS like the whole thing.
episode: THE VERY LAST EPISODE! Kevin and Julie hug and make up. The crew makes fun of Eric Nies.