We start with shots of San Francisco as Judd tells us, "I'm leaving San Francisco in less than a week." Pan up from the Good Riddance, Judd parade marching down Mission as Judd tells us he won't know how much this all meant to him until he's back home and thinking about his old roommates. Isn't he a peach?
Because they're in their final days of the apartment, everyone thinks about the fact that Cory hasn't actually been able to do anything she's wanted to do all this time. They pick her up from her normal position (on the ground in front of the door) and find out that's she's wanted to go to Monterey and Carmel ever since she moved into the house. Cory warbles that she's wanted everyone to go to the tide pools since the very beginning. You know, if it's no problem for anyone. "Sea anemones are really fun," she tells Pedro. Pedro, Pam, and Judd say they'll go. Cory says that now she has to convince Mo, Jo, and Rachel.
Jo and Rachel are having their own fun, at a table eating breakfast. Jo says she'd rather "do something more exciting than look at rip pools or whatever." Cory is now face-down on the counter, because she doesn't want to stand up for herself in even the slightest, and offers a giant list of things they can do as long as Jo and Rachel agree to do one of them. Rachel starts making a list of pros and cons for the trip. She only has cons, by the way. "Cold. Early to get up." They obviously don't want to do Cory's trip. There are five tick marks for negative and one and a half marks in the positive column. Rachel marks another negative because Jo won't be there. Cory says that everyone else will be there, so it should be a positive. Rachel says those points cancel each other out as Cory cuddles up to the salt and pepper shakers. Rachel gives herself another point somewhere because there will be lunch, and she likes lunch. Bitch. Cory should just tell them to fuck off. Cory says she understands why Rachel and Jo are so exclusive.
Cut to fun at the Wharf. Judd says that some of them are better friends than others. Cory, Pedro, Pam, and Judd go and have fun without all of the other losers in the house.
Jo and Rachel are rollerblading. Jo says that she would have been close with Rachel even if she had been there from the beginning. She thinks that she's going to be close friends with Rachel for a long time. Someone needs to buy Rachel another dress besides that brown peasant thing she wears over spandex shorts every single episode. Rachel tells us that Jo is "exactly what [she] needed" since she got to San Francisco: "She's spontaneous, she's up for everything. She and I have exactly the same interests."
Cut to Mohammed with his own friends. He's working on his music in the studio. Mo tells us he's schizophrenic right now and can't deal with the house because he's working so hard on his music. Mohammed says, "So, I'm kind of a loner to myself." Whatever that means. He says he has to hang out with his "true, true, true friends," instead of trying to make friendships with the miserable people he's being forced to live with. We totally understand, Mo. You're our hero. He says that he knows other people in the house made friends with each other; he just didn't have time to do it.
Cut to fun at the tide pool. Pedro's having fun poking things. He says that Cory's like a little kid. Cory makes everyone hug her. Judd is between Cory's legs as he tells us he was sitting in a beautiful spot and suddenly they were the only four people in the world. Judd, it's too late to try and become a romantic on us, okay?
Puck keeps calling the house and leaving messages. Everyone gathers to listen to the latest, where Puck's telling a joke. We don't get to hear it, because Rachel is bitching that everyone is annoyed that Puck keeps leaving "rude, offensive" messages. Everyone is still listening and they're all laughing, so I don't exactly see what Rachel's talking about. Rachel weighs in: "You know, he made his bed. He should lie in it. And have a little pride and stop calling back." Puck calls again. Jo wants to tell Puck a joke that Judd made up about him. "What's the difference between Puck and the pool table?" "The pool table's still in the house." Puck moans because it's so not funny. Cory is flabbergasted that they actually told Puck the joke! They actually told it to him! These people are wasting air. Puck tells us that Jo thinks she's so cool and "untouchable." Jo and Rachel are now wearing matching power suits. It's creepy. Puck stands in a garden to tell us that Jo will lose this "verbal battle."
What the fuck is going on? Why aren't they moving out?
Rachel tells Puck that things are much better now that he's gone. Puck's voice comes loud and clear over the speakerphone, telling everyone in the house that they are boring. Another point for Puck. Rachel is wearing an outfit she stole from either Morris Day or The Time. She tells Puck, "Later," and hangs up on him.
Chinatown. Rachel tells Pedro that she's going to miss him treating her like a little sister. They edit this scene strangely, because the line is Pedro saying, "You are a brat," and then we cut to Rachel moving her hair back, looking up, and resigning, "I know." These three sentences weren't originally said in this order. Pedro is happy that Rachel has finally admitted she's a brat. He tells us that his relationship with her is always evolving. He tells us that he thinks she's a brat. She tells us that he thinks she's a brat, and maybe she is. I can't deal with this much information all at once! Rachel says that she doesn't feel like Pedro's interested in her life. She says she was really making an effort to understand him, and she was a bigger person for trying, and he didn't ever make the effort back. Pedro says he wasn't making excuses for himself for being sick, but that he doesn't really have time for many things, and he wasn't going to take the time to make homophobes understand him. Rachel talks about Pedro as if he's not in the room again. Then Pedro does, and I refuse to recap a scene where both people are talking about themselves in the third person. Pedro says that Pedro got what he wanted out of this situation. Rachel and Pedro end their meal in silence. Rachel tells us that she thinks Pedro is brave, but she doesn't consider him a close friend. She thinks that's sad, because she thought they'd end up being close friends. Don't you care?
Dammit. Puck. He's bragging about his car, because we care. He has a hard time starting it. He drives it away from the collision center, and tells us that his car is rad.
Puck shows up at the house to steal back his statue of the Virgin Mary. He also takes some kind of chair. Jo and Rachel look down at him from their window. Puck says, "You must be Jo," and she says she is. Puck and Rachel bicker about something we can't exactly understand -- something about someone owing someone something. Rachel and Jo stand with their arms around each other as Puck and Rachel keep fighting. Rachel tells us that she tries to think of the good times she had with Puck, but she mostly remembers how miserable he made her. Puck says that he has his life back, and that he's very happy about it. His life "rips," and he has good friends. He says he misses his old roommates. He learned all kinds of things, including "how a twenty-two-year-old virgin perceives life." Burn, Cory. ["Ooh, I thought that was a burn on Rachel." -- Wing Chun] He says he got what he got, and he's okay with that. "This is the real world now," he says. "We are in the real life of Puck." That involves bad cars, bikes, and go-carts.
The rest of the roommates are playing the "Question Game," which Pam describes as "Quality Time." Everyone's forced to read and answer questions they make up, which is easier when you use a book called The Book of Questions, which was very popular in the mid-'90s and is how I hit on boys back in the day. Hey, if you've read this far, you deserve to get a little Pamie dirt. I had the Book of Questions: Love and Sex, and would find out how much the boy had done, tell the boy how much I'd do, and by the end we'd be trying to change our answer to number 73 together. Rachel tells everybody that she regrets kissing Puck. She says she regrets how she viewed everybody when she first got there. She says it's not all Puck's fault, because she didn't bother to know anyone, either. Pedro says that everyone ran away from everyone at one point or another over the year. Mohammed gets up and bolts out of the house.
Cory's worried that her family is going to be offended when they see this show. She says she feels very different from the person that walked in the house on the first day. She says they might be surprised to see who she is now. "I worry about that," Cory warbles.
Literally, Mohammed stands up to leave at this point. I was kidding earlier, and now he's bolting. He tells us that this past week has been very hard because he's doing a video and a single at the same time, and he has no money. We watch Mohammed working on his video. He says he thinks his band is going to go "a lot of good places." He loves his music, he tells us. We watch people watch his video until we go to commercial. Clearly, everyone involved in this show has given up.
It's morning. "So, we're out of here," Rachel says. Yay! People are packing up. Pam says she knows that she's going to stay friends with some of these people after they leave the house. Judd clogs the sink with his shaving bits. He says they came in one by one, separately, and he thinks it'd be nice if they all walked out together. That's not going to happen, because Rachel's taking her time packing. Judd's going to L.A. to work on his cartooning gig. He says he's been working toward this moment for a long time.
Pedro looks through pictures of himself to give to Rachel. Rachel says she thinks Pedro's going to beat the odds and live a very long life. She thinks he'll move to Miami with Sean. Sean comes to pick up Pedro's things and asks why there's so much stuff. Pedro laughs and says he shipped some of it back to Miami. Sean and Pedro load up the car.
Mohammed's out first. Jo gets scared and calls the police because she just realized there was a black man in the house. Mo says they all came into the house as titles, and eventually they all became people. Then he runs away from that house as fast as he can. Bye, Mohammed.
Rachel says that she now feels more sensitive to gay issues and learned about AIDS and even understands some of Judd's liberal views. Cory tells Pedro that she loves him. Everyone says, "You rock," and the fabulous foursome hug. Pedro and Sean drive away in their Jeep of Love. The camera pans back to the house. "For Sale," it says. Property value? Down. Way down.
Jo and Rachel toss a ball. "Is this Pedro's?" Jo asks. Rachel says it's theirs now. Rachel and Jo pillage the house as Rachel cries to us that she didn't say so many things that she should have said to people. Jo and Rachel have a toast to a long-lasting friendship. The phone rings. It's Puck. He asks who the stragglers are. "Me and Rachel," Jo says. She says they're just waiting for the cab. The cab arrives, and Puck asks to talk to Rachel. Rachel gets on the phone. Puck says, "You made your choice, you kicked me out, and, well, I tried to be your friend, but you didn't want to be my friend." Rachel says that's not true. Puck says that she was just jealous that he was going out with other girls. Rachel says she doesn't have time for this, and that he has a distorted memory. She says goodbye and hangs up the phone. Rachel grabs her nine thousand bags and walks out of the house. Jo's already in the cab. Shots of the empty house in blissful silence. Rachel says she's glad it's over, but that she got used to being in that house. She keeps crying and says she's going to miss everyone. Rachel runs out of the confessional in tears as the credits start.
The montage of silent good times plays underneath the closing credits. It's over, y'all. It's over! Whee! No more San Francisco! Huzzah! I'm Daffy Ducking all over my living room. For real, for real.