Shout-outs to the production people who worked in this season of the Real World and had to stay awake though this whole affair. I admire your professionalism and would love to get the names of your dealers.
B-Roll of London in the morning. From the room of the honey blondes, Jacinda "Now on billboards all over the Philippines" Barrett observes that the sun is coming in. You can always count on Jacinda to state something obvious like that. I guess she figured out that it's her best bet to get more dialogue in the final edit. Can't you just see Mary-Ellis Bunim going, "Okay, I want to show that it's morning, do we have any dialogue from the tapes that shows that?" So then the assistant editor, whose job it is to comb through the hundreds of hours of footage, says, "Well, there's this shot of Jacinda opening the curtains of her bedroom and saying 'The sun's coming in,' will that do?" "Thank God," says Jonathan Murray. "What would we ever do without that simple girl? Why, thanks to her, we've saved so much editing time, I daresay I'll be able to get home tonight in time to tuck my son into bed!" "And she looks positively radiant this month on the cover of Bolivian Cosmo!" says Mary-Ellis Bunim.
The gang wakes up and each does some sort of variation of, "Gee ain't it neat to wake up in London?" Well, except for Neil and Sharon, who aren't shown, but if they were, I guess they'd be saying something like, "Gee ain't it neat to wake up a few blocks from where I normally live?" Jacinda, that flirt, sneaks into the Eurotrasher's bedroom, ostensibly to find out what time it is because she doesn't have a watch. She does this, mind you, even though she lives on a different floor than the boys. I mean she totally could have asked Sharon what time it is, who lives right door, but she doesn't. I guess she's either trying to hook up as soon as possible, or she really really needed to know what time it was, really doesn't have a watch and couldn't deal with Sharon before she'd had any coffee. Thanks to these hijinks, we get to see Neil's piercings. Gee Neil, you've got a nipple ring. So does my forty-three-year-old supervisor at work. Sharon gushes enthusiastically about how exciting it is to live with so many different types of people. In this sit-down, she's still wearing that same gray coat that she wore in every single shot last episode. What's with the coat? Is she homeless? Or is that the only piece of clothing she has that doesn't make her look fat? So, while she narrates, all the RW's are shown cooking together and doing little chores together while Sharon is absent from these activities. I guess the gang decided early on to lock her in her room with a muzzle.
"My first full day here was very uncomfortable for me," says Michael in a sit-down. "Because I like to be in a very comfortable situation and I really didn't like that uncomfortable-ness of not knowing how to get anywhere." Gee Michael, how did that make you feel? Uncomfortable? The gang, sans Sharon, stand around a map and Neil explains to all of them where everything is. Someone lets Sharon out of her cage and they venture out of the house to explore the neighborhood. Sharon explains in a sit-down that the area of London they live in is called Notting Hill Gate which is known for being "very trendy, very quite arty, very forward-thinking -- lots of veggie restaurants and coffee shops." When Sharon says "coffee shops," she lifts her hand and wiggles her fat little fingers like she's a real estate agent. She goes on to explain that Notting Hill is a very bohemian youthful area, while they show the gang wandering around. Funny, Notting Hill doesn't look anymore youthful or bohemian than Greenwich Village did after all those gay investment bankers moved in and bought up all the townhouses. I seriously doubt that there is a plethora of affordable one-bedroom floor-throughs for rent in this neighborhood. They walk along Portobello Road, which Sharon explains is a very famous shopping region in London. Jay, in the spirit of things, picks up a Newsies-style cap from a street vendor's table and tries it on. Jay, the Newsies-style cap table is the London equivalent of those NYC tables with cheap sunglasses and crap jewelry: They're for tourists and they....oh never mind. The gang listens to street musicians and looks at crafts.
A London supermarket. Ah, now it's time for our weekly segment entitled, Michael, the Ugly American. Michael stands at the meat counter in total disbelief that they actually sell tongue. Michael, they sell tongue in the States too -- you probably just never realized it because you've never been to a supermarket before, since your mother does all the cooking and shopping. Then Michael goes ballistic because he can't find ranch dressing. And he won't let up. He complains to everyone who will listen to him about how there's no ranch dressing in this supermarket. Then he complains about it in a sit-down. I think Michael is either OCD or autistic or something because he keeps chanting "ranch dressing...ranch dressing" over and over again. Jacinda, trying to maintain a sweet princess-like tone to her voice, pretty much tells Michael to get over it. Michael vows to call his dad and have him ship some over. Lord, I'd hate to see what happens when Michael goes to the dairy counter and finds out they don't have any nacho cheese.
Jay's got a visitor. His name is Bruce. Bruce is the fortyish head of the theater department at Jay's high school, but he's known Jay since he was in seventh grade. Imagine if Kevin Spacey hadn't made it as an actor and had become a high school drama teacher instead, and dyed what was left of his hair "Auntie Mame" red in an unsuccessful attempt to look more youthful -- that's Bruce. No one dares to come out and say it, but Bruce is a big ole queen with a huge crush on Jay. Jay explains that Bruce has "worked with him" since seventh grade. Oh God, I really don't want to hear anymore about this. "This is dramatic!" says Bruce as he enters the house with Jay. "All right, what show could we do here? I know! Camelot! And you could be King Arthur!" Then there's this really scary shot of Bruce showing Sharon a huge photo album full of photos of Jay in various musicals throughout the years. Please tell me that Jay had this lying around and Bruce didn't actually bring this scrapbook to London with him. I mean, I had some close relationships with my teachers in high school. I even got drunk a few times with an English teacher I had senior year, but if I found out he carried a scrapbook of photos of me around with him everywhere he went, I think I would have called the police. "Bruce is just kinda Bruce," says Jay. "I mean you can't really describe or whatever, you just gotta sit back and try to take it in." Take what in? I don't want to hear any more about this. Jay and Bruce go on a walking tour of London's West End. They don't actually go and see a show, they just walk around the theater district. Whatever. They stop at a theater front and Bruce does this gesture toward the marquis and says, "Thomeday I want to come to London and I want to thee Cameron Macintosh presenth Jay Frank in an original play by Jay Frank!" Better check your laundry bag for any missing underwear before he leaves, Jay.
They walk around some more and Bruce starts teasing Jay about Kat and Jacinda, the two cute girls he's living with -- because I guess Sharon has just fallen through a crack in the earth or something and therefore doesn't count as a girl who Jay could have anything going on with. "I think they have their eye on you!" says Bruce, nervously fishing for information. "Jacinda?" says Jay. "That girl is a supermodel!" Supermodel? Oh yeah! Linda, Christy, Naomi, Cindy, Kate....and Jacinda! That's the pantheon. Can't get Jacinda out of bed for less than $10,000. No siree!
So, speaking of Jacinda, she gives a sit-down dressed in this maroon silk dressing gown and a blue Isadora Duncan scarf during which she explains that everyone in the house is lonely and horny, except Neil, whose girlfriend is nearby. Then there are these shots of everyone in the house being flirtatious with each other except Neil and Sharon. Kat must be very homesick and desperate to be flirting with Michael. Sharon then explains in a sit-down that "they all need a shag." Okay, can someone please explain to me why Sharon has no sexual needs of her own? I mean, even Alice on The Brady Bunch had Sam the butcher. Lots of shots of Jacinda throwing herself at just about every man in the house except Mike.
The pairing off of Neil and Kat begins. Kat explains to Sharon that all her boyfriends patronize her and she doesn't know why that is. Neil and Mike listen in with barely-contained fascination. Neil is even smiling. This smile has this weird quality, though. It's like the directors have just pulled him aside and asked him to smile every once in a while, but he just doesn't know how to do anything but scowl so he points the corners of his mouth heavenward and hopes that will do. Welcome to American television, Neil Forrester.
But then there's this conflict due to the fact that Mike is into Kat, too. Kat teaches Mike how to fence. This involves Kat touching Michael a lot in order to correct his stance. Bunim-Murray, please don't show me anymore stuff like that. Mike, in a sit-down, talks about how much he "clicks" with Kat. I can see how Mike would feel this way since Kat is probably the first woman he's ever met who has touched him not just for the sole purpose of pushing his drunken-frat-boy ass out of her way en route to the ladies room at a Delta Lambda kegger. Then Neil, in a sit-down wearing a black T-shirt and a Madonna-style silver cross circa 1986 around his neck, talks about how Kat has "brains." Oh, now I get it. When Neil feels superior to someone, he pronounces that he "doesn't have brains." When Neil feels horny toward someone, he pronounces that she "has brains." How intellectually-minded of him.
Mike's in a sit-down wearing his baseball cap, thank God, and an ironed rugby shirt over a Haines T-shirt. He talks about how he longs to meet the girl of his dreams and how he thinks it's going to happen randomly and not in a bar or a blind date. I guess what he means is, "I never get laid no matter what I do or where I go."
Jay "I don't know how faithful I can be" Frank is shown talking to his girlfriend about how nice Jacinda is. His girlfriend warns Jay against getting hung up on Jacinda. She's sort of joking but she's kinda not. Then he's shown walking along some cobble-stoned streets of London with Jacinda, who's wearing what seems to be a raincoat under a pashmina-type shawl that looks more like a dark maroon bedsheet. They talk about how important it is to be honest with their significant others while they're away. I'll second that, considering that their loved ones are going to be watching this show once it airs anyway, so there's no use in lying.
So then there's this horrifying scene where they all go out to a club to dance. The music they play on the soundtrack is this song that really annoys me called, "(I'm a) Heterosexual Man." I guess this is supposed to establish that these kids are wanting some high energy, male-to-female, crazy freak-ass penis-to-vagina-type lovemaking. It also forewarns a little something happening that's not so "heterosexual." I don't really want to go into this, but I guess I have to. Basically, Michael thinks that this woman is really hot, but she turns out to be a man in drag. Everyone laughs at him back at the house and he runs like a girl to his room and slams the door. Don't get me wrong, I love seeing Mike humiliated as much as the guy, but this scene was just sad.
Anyway, before that all happens, we get to see them all dance at the club and boy, is this illuminating. Let's see here...Jay is not such a bad dancer. Or rather, he knows he can't dance so he does that "I can't dance, please no one pay any attention to me" shuffle. I really admire people who know and respect their limits. Michael, on the other hand, does the moon-walk with this really idiotic look on his face while wearing a denim shirt, some knee-length khaki shorts and a baseball cap. He also does that thing I call the "Jenny Jones Dance," where you grab an imaginary broom handle with both hands and make a circle perpendicular to the floor with your hands ["Also known, I believe, as 'churning the butter.'" -- Toenail]. Sharon, loath as I am to give her any props, looks really good in her black men's suit jacket and tight black jeans and her dancing is fine. It's hard to tell how Kat is because the only footage of her dancing are these close-ups of her midriff in a belly shirt that moves left-right-left-right. Jacinda is wearing this fugly Hawaiian-print shirt over a shapeless peach skirt. She's trying to put in some Martha Graham technique she picked up in a class she took but dropped. Lars, I'm sorry to say, is one of those dancers who closes his eyes and mouths the words to the song while he dances. It's not attractive.
One morning, Kat gets up early to go on a college interview. Shouldn't she have applied before she left home? She's only got five months. Neil wakes up early and checks her out in her interviewing outfit. I have to say that she does look really good. Neil tells her she looks "smart." Okay, we get it. It's all cerebral with Neil. Neil helps Kat get to her interview by taking the subway there with her while "Protection" by Massive Attack plays. "I'm a sucker for people in distress." Neil, you're a sucker for hot girls in distress. I'm sure we won't see you hand-delivering Mike to the racetrack anytime soon. Kat is all cutesy with the admissions officer and explains that some of her bad grades were due to her boyfriend breaking up with her the night before finals. The admissions officer eats this up with a spoon and they give her what seems to be her own private tour guide, a girl named Allison Rubin who looks like Lori Petty on heroin. Kat explains in a sit-down that she and Allison "clicked." She goes on to describe how happy and enthusiastic Allison was to show her the campus. I'm sure that's because Allison's got school spirit and not because she wants to be on TV or anything. Kat and Neil get together one night and read each other's scrapbooks. Neil keeps a scrapbook? What a girl! Neil tells Kat the he's got her "all figured out." Whatever. I don't think Neil's even figured out that it's 1995.
So just when things start looking cozy for Neil and Kat, we meet Chrys, Neil's girlfriend of five years. Chrys has the same color hair as Neil and wears lots of outfits with black leggings. She's a lot easier to take than Neil is. She has a sense of humor and is genuinely nice to the other housemates, even the American ones. Ironically, she's especially nice to Kat. Kat, in a sit-down, explains that she respects Chrys and Neil's relationship but adds that it's hard to "have a crush on someone when they're with someone else." Neil hints in his sit-down that he and Chrys are having problems. Kat tells Jay, Mike and Sharon about how Neil said he had her all figured out. Sharon, Jay, and Mike go off on how stupid Neil is. Mike makes a bitchy comment about Neil's hair while he runs his fingers though his own crispy-do. Mike, let me tell you a story that sort of relates to what's going here about a pot and a kettle. You see, they're both black and one says to the other...oh never mind. In a sit-down, Mike complains about Kat and Neil hooking up. Kat and Neil are shown looking happy and glamorous walking the streets of London arm in arm while "Hey Jealousy" plays.