Svet and Tyler discuss homosexuality. Tyler can't find any men in Key West. Svet's boyfriend's father is sick and Svet worries about him. Tyler gets a new girlfriend who introduces him to young people in town. Janelle must be jealous. The kids ditch Tyler while out at the clubs; he shows up at the house via taxi with his whole crew, including some dude. Tyler makes out with the dude in the hot tub; the kids watch. The gay boys then take a shower together; more snooping. We see a lot of Svet in her panties. Tyler puts his guy in a cab. Tyler's dude throws Svet into a homosexual panic about the men in her life. Svet talks to her boyfriend, freaking out because he has a friend whose house he likes to sleep at. Tyler feels a little bad about having a one night stand; Paula assures him that it's okay.
Previously...Svet kissed her terrible Russian mafia boyfriend Martin at the airport. She lied that she would miss him. Tyler displayed his gayness to Svet upon their first encounter. (And no, not by not immediately wanting to play with her boobs, as she assumed everyone wanted to do.) Tyler thought he would hook up in Key West. He and John fought in the pool about going to gay bars versus straight bars.
Opening credits! Beaches! Planes! Morons! Asses! Moles! Words!
Bridge. Water. Boat. Lighthouse. Sunset. Sunset. Fisherman at sunset. Bad sound effect of a fisherman casting his line. House. Pool. Tyler and Svet. Tyler asks Svet whether she thinks homosexuality is nature or nurture. Wow, way to read some rudimentary creative writing books and drop us into the middle of the scene, B/M. Fine work. Svet thinks that it's nature. She then camera-boobs that she's a biology student and has studied homosexuality a lot. Yeah, so has Tyler. But I think he's studied in more of a laboratory setting than you. Svet tells Tyler that his penis goes up when he sees a guy, just like Martin's "penis goes up" when he sees her. I think Martin's penis probably goes up more readily when he sees a nice bowl of borscht and discovers his capos have successfully collected all the numbers money from the local bodegas in his territory. Or, perhaps, his penis goes up when Svet shuts the fuck up for once. (From this shot, I can tell B/M's penis goes up when it gets all the product placement money from PEPSI! They would have us believe that Svet just happens to be drinking both a Diet Pepsi and a Cherry Pepsi at one time. Subtle as always, folks.) Tyler tells us that he comes from an evangelical family and so being gay was difficult. Tyler talks in praise of being gay. Well, I must say it certainly would be nice to have some clue how to use lighting and color accents to tie my dining and living rooms together.
Airplane. Homemade distance signs, à la M*A*S*H*. Boat. Parasailing. House. Deck. Tyler paints to keep himself busy. His painting is a hysterical pink thing with a big Asian character written in the middle. It looks like Jeff Bridges's canvases from Fearless dressed up for Chinese New Year. (Take that obscure reference, Dennis Miller!) Janelle poses, and she alerts Tyler that he has a phone call. More suspiciously-placed Pepsi cans.
Tyler talks to his friend Kim, bragging about his painting. She quickly changes the subject because it embarrasses her to let her friend lie so blatantly, asking about Key West itself. He reports that it's small and there are no young gay people, then makes a "JFK" joke. Tyler camera-talks that it's lonely being "out," when his cohorts are all still in the closet. Tyler laughs.
Day. House. Extremely-pointless scene -- like record-setting pointless -- about who is going to take the car. Tyler has a dinner date. They let him take the car. Riveting.
Water. Lighthouse. Clouds. House. Svet talks to Martin on the phone about his father, who is sick. Svet's eyes are covered in glitter, as she tells us that Martin and his father are close and it's hard that he's sick. They talk. Martin gets snippy with her when she asks questions about his condition. Martin hangs up on her. Ooh, man, I would never hang up on Svet. I like my bunnies unboiled, thank you. Svet reveals that Martin's dad was diagnosed with lung cancer, but she's mostly in the dark as to his condition.
Janelle. PEPSI! PEPSI! Svet tells the girls about Martin's dad and his low-immune system. Svet camera-brats that Martin is so consumed with being the man of the house that he can't ever open up to her and be emotional. Well, no shit. If he's going to have to take over the "family business" there's a lot of work to be done. Hits to carry out and garbage contracts to wrangle over. Relax, Svet. You'll get your fur coats soon.
Sunset. Clouds. Night. Clubs. Tyler prances (seriously) down the street to a restaurant. He meets his friend Stephanie and other friends for dinner. Tyler tells us how great Stephanie is and how she has "a lot to give [him]." Yeah, but not that which he needs. They all gossip about John, and then dish about the local gay guys. Tyler is happy to have outside friends in Key West. Stephanie has promised to introduce him to some younger people. I don't know why Tyler is so into meeting younger people. Isn't he, like, forty?
Club. The roommates drink. They discuss Tyler, wondering where he is, since he agreed to meet them to go home. Or, you know, something.
Meanwhile, Tyler walks with Stephanie. This is the second scene in a row -- and the third overall -- that has no point. Honestly, B/M. Did you let a PA direct the episode? While they walk and talk, Tyler camera-blahs that he's afraid he's removing himself from the roommates and wants to make sure to share this "experience" with them. Good for you.
The roommates walk to the car. Paula is drunk, as usual. Janelle -- probably pissed because Tyler found him some new girlfriends, and now she officially Has No Point -- tells them to just leave Tyler. They leave Tyler, driving home.
Driving home. Svet is worried Tyler will yell at them. The roommates all discuss Tyler and how it's his fault they left him. They get home to see a cab in front of the house! Wow! Tyler made it home on his own! High drama, y'all. Dramatic music plays, as Zach and Tyler calmly discuss where Tyler was, and how they didn't know what to do about him getting home. John camera-talks, saying that Tyler is clearly lying, since he got home before them. Tyler says that it was miscommunication. Suddenly, Janelle steps forward and says, "I have a question. Who are these people?" Whaaaat? We see Stephanie and the girls enter the front gate. Ooh, Janelle is gonna be pissed! Someone put out a saucer of milk. John camera-talks that Tyler brought home a bunch of girls, plus one "little young man." People coo...and I don't know why everyone assumes this guy is for Tyler, because he acts very straight, throwing signs to the camera as he passes. Aw, but his name is Bhakti. Balki? From Mepos? Yeah. Gay. "Aw, yeah, dude. Tyler brought some ass home," John says from somewhere, as Balki and the girls enter the house in slo-mo. Commercials.
Night. House. Tyler cockblocks himself, when he decides to woo Balki by showing the young gay-not-gay his painting -- which he's calling "Red God." I don't have to worry on Tyler's behalf, however, because Balki proves himself to be either into the wooing or a complete fucking moron. Balki talks about how "awesome" painting is, because you can "keep going over it." He proclaims "Red God" to be "pretty chill." Svet sits in the kitchen eating, no shit, about a three-pound Tupperware container full of cookies. She looks at the art criticism class going on in the foyer and then tells us that she doesn't think this is a hook-up for Tyler because Balki doesn't look gay. Dude, everyone knows Balki was totally gay. Janelle comes in, and Svet asks her if Balki is gay. John even knows he is, going on that he and Tyler are totally going to do it. Svet is chewing on her twentieth cookie, and she whines that she doesn't want to see that stuff. There is a very fun game to play with this show: randomly press pause on Svet's cookie-chewing. She makes the craziest chewing faces. (Yes, that's how bored I am.)
Outside. Hot tub. Tyler and the gold-chain-wearing Balki get in, toasting with white wine spritzers. Gay! Tyler camera-talks that Balki reminds him of a beefy Russian hockey player, and adds that sometimes a "good hunk of beef" is what you need.
Meanwhile, John and Svet watch, hiding, from up on the balcony. "C'mon. Kiss him," whispers John, waaaaay too into the whole gay hot tub voyeur experience, if you ask me. Svet says that she might throw up. John wonders when they're going to give each other blow jobs. Svet whines that he doesn't even look gay. Who, John? Yes, he totally looks -- Oh. You mean Balki. Don't be ridiculous! Tyler goes underwater. Svet almost has a heart attack. John explains to us that Svet is sheltered and this gay hot tub stuff is a good educational experience for her. The boys now shed their bottoms, and then Balki wraps his around Tyler's neck to pull him in for a kiss. Wow. I know I'm watching gay sex and all. But it's really...gay. The boys duck under the water. Now Zach has joined the peanut gallery, and John is whispering, "Oh, my God" Then Svet hysterically asks, "What is that?" Heh. If you have to ask....
Later. Bathroom. Tyler and Balki take a shower. Funk music plays, as Janelle and Svet listen in. Svet laughs, and makes a barfing noise, standing in her tiny panties. Svet has her hand on her mouth and her eyes wide. She tells us that it's one of those things that you don't want to watch, but you can't take your eyes off of "it." Svet says that she feels "queasy," and then fondles her own boob. She tells us that she's never seen "in her face" two people having sex. Janelle then pushes one of the boys' towels into the shower...then they all run, hearing the water turn off. The boys emerge, men.
Moon. House. House. Pool. Stupid statue. Tyler and Balki are now hanging in the kitchen. Post shower blowjob Balki is in a philosophical mood: "You only got one life to life. And you gotta live it well. Rage. Go crazy, man. Do all the shit that you can do, quick, because you could die tomorrow. That's why we're here." Hm, I guess that carpe diem attitude extends to taking a walk on the gay side when cameras and a cool house are involved. I always thought it just meant, you know, read good books and take walks and crap. I guess I've been doing it wrong all this time.
Balki and a shirtless Tyler hang outside, and Tyler has an angry, red, and white blemish on his back the size of Shaq. Seriously, the fucker is huge. That's some crazy staph or flesh-eating virus. Balki better start taking some fuckin' Cipro right away. The boys exchange numbers, and Tyler throws Balki into a cab -- comparing Balki, for some reason, to a "spiced, Cajun, turkey ham." He calls out to Balki, "I expect an encore." Ooh, sing "Dream On." That's what Aerosmith would do. Tyler walks into the house, waxed coinslot on display.
Morning. Rooster. Beach. Beach. Beach. Beach. House. House. House. Wow, the editing dudes went a little nutty there for a second. Tyler walks through the house, and Jose laughs for some reason. Tyler tells us that he doesn't take himself seriously, as the girls tease him for his "walk of shame," commenting on how blurry his eyes look. Tyler takes a bow. Paula tells us that Tyler handled it classily. Svet tells the foraging Tyler that she would have never thought Balki was gay, and that her perception of gay people has totally changed. Tyler jokes to the boys how he met Balki. Everyone laughs. Ha ha ha.
Beach. Deck. Wind. Shadows. Clouds. Pool. Paula and Svet. Svet tells Paula that now she wonders whether Martin is gay. What? Because he's Russian? Svet has really wide boobs, FYI. She floats on her raft and looks troubled. Svet goes on to reveal the real reason Balki has suddenly thrown her into a homosexual panic about Martin: it seems that Martin has a touchy-feely friend whose house he's always sleeping over at. Bwah! Sleeping over? So gay. Well, to be fair, I guess I did have sleepovers...when I was seven! The sleepover host is apparently obsessed with Martin, and hates Svet because she dates him. Paula watches, as Svet freaks out. Paula wishes Svet was a Quiznos sub. Commercials.
Beach. Waves. Flag. House. A phone rings. It's Martin. Svet tells Martin about the gay sex and her panic. Martin speaks in that harsh way he does with Svet, asking whether she's out of her mind, thinking that he's gay. Tyler sneakily listens at the door, as Svet continues to talk to Martin, who tries to make excuses for why he sleeps at his friend's house all the time. Yikes. Tyler camera-talks that just because he got "ass" last night, now Svet suspects Martin of gayness. "You try to make the connection. I don't know," Tyler quips. Martin yells at Svet, telling her to break up with him then and "get with" whoever she wants to over there. Svet laughs and then stops laughing and hangs up. Martin calls back. Jose answers, telling a pissed Martin (at Svet's request) that Svet will call him later. Martin tells Jose if she said that, to tell her not to bother. "No doubt," says Jose, helpfully. Heh. He reports to Svet what Martin said. Svet snipes back that she won't call him then.