Previously: Everybody fought like cats and dogs, then they made up. Wait for the implosion in 5...4...3...2...
One afternoon in Jersey, Teresa calls Melissa as she's choosing a sexy dress for her stage performance. While Melissa shifts her boobs and squeaks around in her liquid leggings, Teresa talks about the family portrait she's planning. Melissa says it means a lot to Joe to be included because the Giudices have taken portraits before and not invited them. Melissa says she's with her stylist and has to hang up. The minute she clicks off, the stylist is all, "Whew! You dodged a bullet not telling Teresa that I was here." Apparently the stylist works for both of them, and -- as we know -- Teresa doesn't like to share her toys. Melissa brushes it off and returns to choosing from the trash-tastic selection before her. And I quote, "Do you like the gold pants?"
Meanwhile, over at the Giudices, Milania is running amok (as usual), and Audriana is toddling around while Teresa tells Juicy about the family portrait and her hope that taking it will bring her family back to the good old days -- days that I have officially decided never actually happened. Given how fiery she and Joe are, I'm quite certain they were never as loving and close as they claim to have been. Juicy is dubious that a portrait sitting can impact any lasting change. He snarks, "I hope I can make it."
That evening, Chris's brother Jaime arrives at the Laurita house. He's a successful stylist and general celebrity associate who has achieved much success, so Jacqueline thinks he'd be a good person to talk with Bratshley before her move to L.A. Bratz says she has a lot in common with Jaime because they're both kind of the black sheep of the family . She shows him her new swallow tattoo, which represents a new beginning. Jaime warns her not to use the word "swallow" if she's ever showing the tat off to boys in bars. Chris uncomfortably clears his throat to end all this swallow talk. Instead, Bratz shows Jaime her newest tattoo, which she secretly got while the family was in Punta Cana. It's a huge feather with birds flying away from it on her right foot. Chris thinks it "looks like somebody shit on her foot." Jacqueline is irritated, and Bratz just gives one of her trademark snotty-proud looks, knowing she's succeeded with yet another little rebellious stunts.
Jaime can only shake his head and ask, "What are we going to do about Ashley?" She tells him her plan to move to California, admitting she has no job or place to live. Jacqueline launches into mommy mode, which in turn pushes Bratz into eye-rolling overdrive. Jaime tells Bratz not to go to that place because it shapes how people perceive her. He asks a fair and valid question, "Do you want to work really hard to make something of yourself? Have you ever done that in your life?" All signs point to "No," and Bratz admits as much. Jaime asks what she's going to do in California to turn things around. And, since someone is actually expecting some accountability from her, she starts crying and walks away from the conversation. Jacqueline says that Bratz idolizes Jaime, but his situation was different because he actually made the move to L.A. with a plan and a job in place. For his part, Jaime thinks Bratz is being lazy. As Bratz walks back in, Chris says he believes in her and wants to pull the non-bitchy, bratty side out of her. He welcomes her back into the house with a hug, and Jaime tells her she's lucky to have a father that's in her corner. Jacqueline snarks, "The princess is still in the castle." Cut to an interview with Caroline, who basically says Bratz is working the system and milking her family for everything she can. She adds, "But one day, Ashley's going to wake up, and everybody's going to be gone. Then what's going to happen?"
The day, Caroline hosts her radio show. She talks with another mother who struggled with her son's learning disability like Caroline did with Albie. As she goes to commercial, Lauren and Christopher arrive to surprise her. Caroline says she's at a crossroads in her life now that her children have left the nest. She's reaching a point where it's her time to shine. As she returns to the show, Lauren and Christopher start giggling over one of her kooky callers, and Caroline almost manages to hold it together until she cracks up right as she's saying goodbye. The kids not-so-subtly mock the caller for a few minutes after. That said, Lauren does admit in an interview that the radio show has been a positive change in Caroline because it's given her the chance to cultivate her own life separate of being a mom. Caroline takes the kids' jokes and turns them into a positive kicker for her show, telling the listeners that she's living proof that dreams come true and thanking them for helping her along. Nice save!
The day, Kathy's daughter Victoria gets ready for her formal, and Kathy tearfully admits she's struggling to come to terms with her kids growing up. Victoria's date Paulie, a classic Jersey boy, arrives to pick her up, and Rich gives the kid a hard time that he didn't bring flowers for Kathy. He takes the kid into the kitchen and cracks some nuts to send him a signal that any misbehavior will have consequences. Kathy finally comes downstairs to save the kid from any more painful metaphors. Victoria follows behind, making her grand entrance in a silver sparkly strapless number. Rich immediately deems it too short and tells her to throw some jeans on underneath. Victoria ignores his ribbing and gives her date a hug and a kiss on the cheek. As he puts on her corsage, Kathy says that she's especially eager to take in every moment since she nearly lost Victoria to cancer a few years back. Rich gives Victoria a huge hug goodbye, noting that she was born on his birthday, and sends her off to the dance.
Meanwhile, Teresa juggles getting ready and her family trickles in for the family portrait. Joe sits down with Giacinto to get an update on his health. Giacinto says he's going to have another operation. Joe admits the illness has been stressful for him, only adding to the strain on their relationship since the christening. Joe tells Giacinto he wants to get a boys-only photo that he can put in his sons' room and his office. He suggests they commune over a glass of wine, which Gia discourages. He tells her a glass of wine "helps the heart pump," but she disagrees. There's hope for the future yet!
Upstairs, Melissa helps Teresa get Audriana into her photo outfit. It's a purple and pink dress with pink marabou feathers all over the bottom and feather flower slapped on the top. Audriana looks appropriately aggrieved to be in that fugly situation. Teresa takes a minute to affirm her love for Melissa and the Gorgas, and they hug as Audriana busts in crying for Melissa to pick her up, her bright blue eyes seeming to ask, "You would never make me wear something this ugly if you were my mother, would you?" Sorry, kid, but you're out of luck there. Everyone around you has horrible, horrible style. Of their momentary ceasefire, Melissa admits she has loyalty to Teresa and hopes it remains peaceful between them. Teresa has a little more edge in her voice, saying, "I hope [Melissa's] sincere back." And that is why this mess never works out. They're always second-guessing each other. You can't half-ass trust. You're either in or you're out. And Teresa is as out as her Yeti boots.
Everyone gets together in the living room to sit for the photo, and man did Audriana get shafted with her feather situation. Sure, the others are wearing clothes that look like they've been vomited all over by a sequin monster, but they'd pass in everyday society. Audriana's outfit is the kind of thing kids get beat up for. Of course Giacinto is ready to quit this bitch about two minutes into the picture taking. All the while, Teresa claims she's loving the togetherness of her family. As the guys, including Juicy, sit down for their portrait, Jacqueline interviews that she hopes Teresa and her family can remembers what's important and stay strong through thick and thin. Then the girls take a picture -- or try to because Milania is acting up. Teresa threatens, "If you want to see Justin Bieber tomorrow, let's go!" Caroline interviews that she's amazing the Giudices and Gorgas could all come together without incident, but that's what family's all about. Finally, Teresa, Joe, and their mother take a smiling photo. Says Kathy, "When you have your family, no one else can hurt you."
Meanwhile, Kathy gets choked up as she and Rich watch Victoria take group pictures before the formal. Rich can't help himself but mock her for it. As Kathy dabs her eyes, the kids get into their cars and head off to the dance. Rich tells her she's done a great job, and Kathy is affirmed in her decision to wait until the kids are fully grown to start her own business.
Back at the Giudice house, the families sit down for dinner. Teresa acknowledges it's been tough going with her brother and Melissa this year. She's validated that things seem finally to have settled down and vows to do whatever it takes to keep the family together for her children's and her parents' sake. Juicy makes a toast to Teresa for putting together the photo shoot and throws in a little ribbing at his mother-in-law's expense. She laughs it off and clinks everyone's glasses. Joe joins in and says, "Family's the most important -- that's the main thing." Everyone raises a glass to that.
Bonus! Joe describes all his kids and credits himself for all their good features and good looks. Which is especially silly for little Joey, who is the spitting image of Melissa. Joe says he'd like to have another daughter and name her Joelina. I suspect Melissa is not on board with this idea.
The day, the Manzo boys and Greg return home for brunch. Lauren mentions that she got hold of a copy of Teresa's new book Fabulicious! and was surprised to see a negative reference to Caroline in the first few pages. So she brings out the book and a passage when Teresa knocks Caroline for frying meatballs (she says deep, but Caroline clarifies that it's pan-fried). Christopher notes exactly what I was thinking: These Jersey folk really should stop reading altogether -- it never comes to any good. Teresa also hates on deep-fried Twinkies. To which I say, "Too far!"
Kathy and Rich have also gotten a copy of the book, and Kathy zeroes in on a passage where Teresa says she wishes her cousin would stop making lame jokes about her. Clearly that's a jab at Rich. Kathy thinks the negativity comes at a bad time when things were getting better between them, though she speculates that Teresa probably put snippy details like that in the book to drum up interest in the behind-the-scenes gossip from the show. Kathy thinks it's unnecessary: "If your recipes are really good, you don't need any of that." Kathy says she's got enough on her plate to indulge Teresa's backbiting and drama. Rich is less forgiving and throws the book in the garbage.
Gorga house. Melissa's sister Lysa visits, and Melissa also has a gripe about Fabulicious! She says Teresa called her a copycat, but she refuses to talk to Joe about it because she doesn't want to fan the flames and start another fight between Teresa and Joe. It's not her forgiving spirit so much as a spirit of self-preservation, though, because she doesn't want to be blamed again for stirring the pot.
Meanwhile, Teresa brings home the family portrait all wrapped up and talks about her new book's "huge success." She says everyone has been "like, 'Wow!'" about the stories she put into the book. Well... that's one way to phrase it. Jacqueline arrives, and Teresa unveils the portrait. As she goes to look for a hammer, Jacqueline asks Gia if she's still spending time with her cousin. Gia says yes, adding, "I hope it stays. Zio Joe is busy working. Melissa kind of controls him." Jacqueline glosses over the brainwashing. Based on her experience, she worries for Teresa's family because she doesn't think they're getting to the root of the problem.
Apropos of that, Jacqueline admits that her stress over Bratshley is manifesting itself physically, with bags under her eyes and breakouts. Teresa admits she hasn't been the most supportive friend through Jacqueline's conflict with Bratz and promises to be there for her moving forward. Jacqueline says Bratz has returned to old form, going out all night and sleeping all day. She says she's reached a breaking point and needs to cut Bratz off. Teresa thinks Chris should take on the traditional father role and be stricter and gives Jacqueline a hug to comfort her.
Back at the Manzos, Lauren reads a passage where Teresa likens Caroline's cooking to the Olive Garden. Caroline thinks it odd that she just saw Teresa the other day and wasn't given any warning. She interviews, "Jacqueline is loyal to a fault. I'm loyal to a degree. There comes a time when you have to recognize that the tides are changing... and I recognize that now." Ohhhh, but there's more. Lauren finishes reading from the introduction (yes, all this trash talking has happened before the book even starts). She reads, "I'm a fan of Caroline Manzo -- even if she's only one-sixteenth Italian... or whatever she is." Them's fightin' words! Christopher asks, "I wonder who did the math on that." Greg snarks, "Maybe their accountant." Caroline sits silently, turning the other cheek. So Lauren goes on to a section where Teresa bashes Christopher for his stripper car wash idea. Like Kathy, Christopher says it's a sign Teresa's not confident that her cooking is good enough to sell books. Lauren is less generous, doing a nasal Teresa impression and predicting that Teresa will claim she was joking.
Back at Teresa's, Jacqueline brings out the book, and Teresa fulfills Lauren's prophesy re: the "one-sixteenth Italian" remarks. Teresa points to a "great" picture of her and Caroline as if that makes up for anything. Jacqueline thinks Teresa should have let Caroline in on the supposed joke. Teresa claims she called Caroline, but Caroline didn't call her back. Jacqueline has little patience for Teresa's defensiveness and her insistence that her snide comments are funny.
Back at the Manzos, as anyone could have imagined, Caroline has finally gotten steamed because of Teresa's pot shots at Christopher. Don't mess with a mama bear, Tre. And back to Teresa's, where Teresa tells Jacqueline that Caroline and Chris are "too sensitive." She has the nerve to say, "Now I'm kind of getting mad. If you're going to nitpick every little thing, then you're never going to have any friends in life." I'd argue that if you're going to be a backstabbing hag, then you're not going to have any friends, Teresa. Jacqueline interviews that Teresa obviously views loyalty differently than she does and calls the remarks about Caroline "a slap in the face." And that's where the story ends for Jacqueline, save for her follow-up card: "Ashley still lives at home. She has no job and legally changed her name to Ashlee. Jacqueline continues trying to keep the peace with her family... and her friends."
Teresa bemoans everyone's lack of humor and shouts, "What is this world coming to?" She likens herself to a modern Lucille Ball. Then what happened? "Teresa's second cookbook spent one week on the NY Times bestseller list. Amid allegations of fraud, Joe abandoned his multi-million dollar bankruptcy filing. Teresa is now working to pay back her debts." What is this world coming to indeed.
Back at the Wakiles, Kathy shakes her head while Rich notes how many bridges Teresa has burned. The title card tells us, "Kathy is still stirring things up... in the kitchen. With Rich's deep wallet, she hopes to bankroll a dessert company. Kathy vows never to use the word 'unattended' in Teresa's presence again."
At the Gorgas, Lysa tells Melissa to keep the peace. We learn, "Melissa's single 'On Display' reached #14 on iTunes Dance Chart. Joe is determined to make Melissa a rockstar on stage and in the bedroom. She recently celebrated baby Joey's 1st birthday with her in-laws... Teresa did not attend."
Caroline says she's been nothing but a good friend to Teresa, even when Teresa has stepped out of line over and over again and threatened to bring down Caroline's reputation with her. She calls Teresa out for being a self-serving, ungrateful phony. As Teresa hangs up her family portrait, Caroline says being Italian is first and foremost about loyalty and trust. By that definition, Teresa is less Italian than supposedly one-sixteenth Caroline and her clan. And what's ? "Caroline hopes to take her radio show to the Big Apple. And she has some advice for Teresa... learn the recipe for friendship."
week: Reunion time! Jacqueline didn't show! Caroline has long hair! And Teresa tries to dig herself out of the rubble of her own imploded life. She starts by calling Melissa a devil. But I'm sure she's only joking... A regular Michael Richards is now Teresa.