Previously: The Manzo brothers began building their empire... with black water. Lauren battled the bulge. Kathy showed Teresa support at her book signing, while Joe Gorga did his best to ruin her night (albeit under the stress of Juicy Joe's constant threats).
Caroline and Jacqueline are driving around, talking about a 5K walk-run for charity in which they're both participating, Caroline admits she's in worse shape than she was even when she was heavier. Since the Housewives and their families are going to the Dominican Republic the week, she's putting in one last-ditch workout. She tells Jacqueline that Gorgas, Giudices, and Wakiles will also be participating. Jacqueline thinks things will be fine if Rich's birthday party was any indication. Caroline reminds her that Teresa and Juicy weren't at Rich's party. Jacqueline: "Oh, good point." Caroline thinks all of Teresa's fake cheer is a foreboding that all hell is going to break loose.
They arrive at Jacqueline's home, where Teresa has uncharacteristically paid an unannounced visit. They head inside where Teresa fills them in on the drama at her book signing. As she's hearing about the petty bullshit going down between the Joes, Caroline says matter-of-factly, "Real men don't fight over texts. It's, like, so high-school-girly." Caroline thinks both men are acting a fool and that it's affecting the healing process between Teresa and Joe. Teresa says there's even more pressure because Milania's birthday party is just around the corner. Jacqueline thinks the Gorgas maybe should take a pass on the festivities, but Teresa says that's not an option. Caroline thinks the Joes should just act like grown-up damn men for a minute. She also thinks the only way Teresa is going to talk some sense into Joe is by reaching out to Melissa. It's a good idea on papers, but, given how well all of Teresa's interactions with Melissa up to this point have gone, I might tend to disagree...
Teresa offers to call Melissa, and Caroline makes her do it right then and there so they can hear it and diffuse any tension if necessary. Teresa tells Melissa they both need to talk to their husbands and convince them to let bygones be bygones and move forward. Melissa agrees. Then, as any person with even a quarter of brain could have guessed, the conversation goes straight to hell. Teresa accuses Joe of doing whatever he wants around Juicy, and Melissa responds the Juicy and Teresa are fakedy-fakes -- witness, the christening. Jacqueline and Caroline are waving their hands and pretending to choke and clanging pots and whatnot, but this hurricane is in full swing. There's such a torrent of words that the editors can't even subtitle it all.
Teresa calls Melissa out for bringing up the past, then demands that she talk to Joe and bring him to Milania's birthday party. And I quote, "I expect him to be there." Caroline literally makes a sound like bomb exploding. Melissa points out that, given Juicy and Joe's recent exchange, maybe putting the two of them in the same room is a bad idea. Like caging two starving pit bulls, for example. Teresa says smugly (and completely incorrectly, I might add), "Well, I know my husband will behave. Make sure Joey behaves." Man, she's off-base. And the expression on Caroline's face as she shakes her head reads as such.
Teresa, abandoning the whole "the past is the past" thing apparently, tells Melissa that Joe called Juicy stupid during their little grade school text war. Melissa insists he didn't. They both say they saw the texts, yet they have two different perspectives on what happened. Then again, I wouldn't bet much on these two ladies' reading comprehension skills. Nor would Caroline, it seems, who says that what Teresa and Melissa really need is an injection of reality. They have so much hate built up between them that they've lost sight of reality. Alas, this is in an interview, so we're treated to some more provocative remarks from Teresa, who tells Melissa that her husband needs to "be a man." Because there's nothing an Italian New Jersey housewife loves to hear more than that her husband isn't 1000% man, right? Come on, Teresa! Caroline cringes at this remark. Then when Teresa says to Melissa that Juicy will be fine, Jacqueline mutters to Caroline, "Does she think he'll be fine?" Caroline smacks her. Ha!
Teresa hangs up to a heavy pause from Caroline and Jacqueline. Jacqueline's the first to pipe up, asking Teresa if she even heard anything. Caroline adds that she's exhausted from hearing that exchange. Teresa reports that it's always like that. Jacqueline suggests that Joe should come but leave if any tension arises. Teresa promises there won't be any tension and that everything will be fine. Do you realize the words that are coming out of your mouth, woman? Seriously, though, she literally just said two things that were the exact opposite of each other. In a row. While wearing a pink feather bolero. As your great aunt Ethel is wont to say, "Denial isn't just a river in Egypt." Caroline has dropped her head in submission at this point, and Jacqueline is eyeing Teresa in a combination of disbelief and can't-help-herself amusement.
The morning at 6:30 a.m., the various families prepare for the 5K, though no one seems to know what charity they're actually sponsoring. Over at the Giudice house, Teresa tries to wake up Juicy. To which all I can say is, "Good luck with that!" The man would barely even wake up to watch his kids open Christmas presents, so how willing do you think he'll be to face the darkness for some vaguely disabled strangers? Teresa admits she's nervous that her husband and brother will be interacting today but promises that Juicy said he wouldn't text Joe anymore. Also in breaking news, Teresa has the runs (and I'm not talking about the one-foot-in-front-of-the-other kind).
Over at the Manzos, everyone piles in. As you might expect, Christopher is not the most avid runner. He thinks his motivation would be helped by putting a burger in front of him and a murderer behind him. That's funny because that's exactly the technique I hear Usain Bolt uses! As they talk, Juicy calls to tell them he's slicing up sausages and plans to bring a jug of wine. As reminder, it's seven in the morning. I suspect that is not the technique ol' "Lightning" Bolt uses. Cut to the Giudice home, where even Teresa is grossed out that her husband is bringing salsicc' and vino to a breakfast run. Back to the Manzo manse, the gang gears up to leave. Of course the moment wouldn't be complete without a Big Game-style pep talk. It's not nearly as awesome as the one in Wet Hot American Summer, for which I tragically can't find a clip, but it'll do. Especially when Albie's all, "Dude, stop screaming in my ear." Oh, those Manzo boys.
The Manzo kids and Greg pass the time driving to the event by making fun of the Giudices. One of them wonders if it's even legal for Juicy to bring wine to the run. Christopher snarks, "Things Joe Giudice doesn't say before leaving the house: 'Is this legal?'" Lauren also does a Teresa impression by teasing that she's going to start writing a book on charity walks. Christopher says it'll be called Walking Italian. Lauren keeps the riff going by saying she will write one about her relationship with Melissa called Jealous Italian, and Greg chimes in that she's writing an SAT prep book called Stupid Italian. Back to Christopher, who suggests a Kama Sutra book -- Fuckin' Italian.
In the Giudice car, Teresa reiterates to Juicy that he must get along with her brother. Juicy's response: "As long as he doesn't piss me off, that's fine." Missing the point, Juice. Missing the point... Also, he says, "I don't start nothin'." Uh huh.
Everyone reaches the starting point, including Melissa, who is decked out in leopard print gloves and a leopard hat, complete with ears, plus leopard piping on her running suit. In case you didn't already have an inkling she looks ridiculous, she begins doing exaggerated stretches and high kicks like she's preparing for a Rockettes audition instead of a 5K walk-run. Someone (sounds like Joe Gorga?) says he's going to win the race, and Joe "I don't start nothin'" Giudice snarks, "I already know who's gonna win this race. He's used to fuckin' runnin' away from everybody since he was a kid!" Joe Gorga explains that he generally takes a pacifist stance with Juicy because he doesn't want any of his nieces coming up to him saying, "You beat up my daddy." Rich wisely sees and hears what's going down and takes Joe aside to distract him. Alas, it's by hatching a plot to pants Juicy. That definitely won't have the effect of peacemaking, but it might be pretty funny. Christopher also does his fair share of joke-cracking to try to break up the tension.
All of a sudden, a pack of racers approaches and the crew realizes that they should probably join the race at some point. They get their numbers and joint the event about 10 minutes late. Teresa is running all perky-like while Juicy trudges sourly behind her. Kathy and Rich are also running in earnest, while everyone else is doing some iteration of prissy power walking (Melissa) or walking while making fun of everyone else (Manzo kids). Teresa finally gets Juicy to run, though he complains the whole way about getting no sleep the night before and how his legs hurt from "working out too much" the day before (ha!). Teresa insists that Juicy's in good shape (double-ha!), especially in the bedroom (hurl). Meanwhile, Caroline, Melissa, and Jacqueline take some sort of illegal shortcut and basically give up after walking about 200 yards. Smiles Caroline devilishly, "I think we're winners! I think we won!"
Kathy keeps running while Rich has fallen behind and is struggling a little. As it were, though his speed is just right for Juicy. The two of them jog side by side and horse around. Teresa takes the opportunity to snark that the Wakiles run all the time and aren't getting any skinnier. Unnecessary. As they approach the 3.5K marker, it's clear that Teresa views this as a competition between her and Kathy. She starts pep talking Juicy, who has resumed to walking. Elsewhere, Albie crosses the finish line first... mainly because he cheated. As did Christopher, Greg, and Joe by crawling under a fence to cut through the course. Joe celebrates by leaping into Greg's arms. Lauren gives him a cutting expression while Melissa says, "I swear you like men, just admit it."
Kathy and Rich arrive , and everyone jokes that they should send out a search party for the Giudices. Christopher thinks Teresa stopped to go shopping. Juicy, meanwhile, is still walking in the midst of traffic, looking like the asshole he generally does, only with more context. Teresa crosses the finish line to cheers from her brother. Some minutes later, Juicy runs -- as if has been the whole time -- across the finish line, then breaks out the sausage and wine to celebrate. Did I mention, it's been zipped up inside his jacket the entire time he's been running? Bet that stuff's going to taste gooo-ooood. Then, nonsensically, Joe ties a scarf around Greg's neck and parades him around the finish line like a dog and/or submissive slave. See Melissa's prior comments.
The night, the Manzo boys and Greg are preparing for the Gorgas' arrival in Hoboken. Greg is particularly uptight because he doesn't want the high-living Gorgas to think their apartment is a pigsty. Christopher thinks he wants to impress Melissa because he lives vicariously through her and her bold fashion choices. At this time, there is a fuchsia puffy jacket on Greg's Chihuahua that some might call supporting evidence. The guys make their game plan for how the night will transpire. Greg plans to have some "girl talk" with Melissa, during which he hopes to plant the idea in her head that he should be the love interest in her first music video. Christopher can't resist: "And, you know, the strange plot twist is that you end up with Joe." Greg says without a doubt, "I'll take it." Christopher laughs heartily while Albie just sits there, shakes his head, and drinks his cocktail. Yes, my friend, you will need more of that in the hours to come.
The Gorgas arrive and pose on the boys' step and repeat. No Hoboken apartment is complete without one, really. Melissa testifies that she and Greg get along like a house on fire. "The day he told me that he wants to die and come back as me," she says with total humility, "he won me right over." The guys fill their guests in on their new gig securing publicity black water. They mention the launch even their planning the month, and Greg says Melissa would be a great choice to perform at the party. Albie = silence. Joe whips out a CD of Melissa's single, so they pop it into a computer for a listen. Melissa says the guys are the exact demographic for her song, so she wants their feedback. As they listen, they maintain stoic faces, which frustrates Melissa, though Greg's face does change suddenly when the really vocoded effects come into play. Whether it's enjoyment, dislike, or just sheer surprise is anyone's guess. The song ends, and... pause. Albie finally says nicely that he thinks it's "really good." Greg takes the indulgence a bit further, claiming Melissa will be in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame one day. Well, I wouldn't object to sending Melissa to Cleveland for good, but that might be overplaying it a bit. Christopher says in an interview that he "wasn't expecting it to be that good." Translate: "It didn't suck as bad as I expected." Still, it's no "Chic, C'est la Vie." Nonetheless, the guys are confident enough (read: forced by producers) to invite Melissa to perform at their launch party. They make a toast to the Gorgas and to the newly renamed city of Joeboken.
Elsewhere, Lauren welcomes Vito over. They're spending the night in. Christopher interviews that this homebody dynamic is what makes him not want to have a girlfriend. Underscoring their complete lack of sexiness, the music supervisors have overlaid a "Sexual Healing" knock-off orchestration as Vito shows Lauren how to prepare homemade mozzarella. Lauren says (I'm guessing ironically) that she feels like Demi Moore in Ghost with Vito as her Patrick Swayze. Just in case you took her comments too literally, she clarifies, "Except Vito's not dead." Vito asks how Lauren felt about her opening. She admits that insecurities about her physical appearance tainted the night for her. Vito tries to tell her that he thinks she looks great, but she thinks he has to say that. Lauren compares herself to her handsome, in-shape brothers and admits she's afraid she'll always be fat.
Meanwhile, the Joeboken crew have made their way to a club, and Joe has perched himself on Greg's shoulders to announce, "Hid your kids, hide your wife because Joeboken's in town!" Once Greg finally gets that gorilla off his back, he goes to invite Melissa for a bathing suit buying bonding sesh. He thinks she should rock the heels with her bathing suits so she can look better than Teresa. Melissa replies cattily, "Whatever, that's like so easy." Greg laughs wickedly. Joe comes a-slurrin' over telling Greg he's the only guy who can "rub up on" Melissa. Then comes the creepy. He tells Greg, "Fondle her. I wanna see." Melissa shuts that idea down and turns her focus to finding Albie a club rat to hook up with. Joe joins the quest, saying, "Albie needs a girl that will throw pots at him. A spiceful [sic] girl. My wife may look innocent, but she's a beast. And I love it." As the shots flow, we learn that Joe calls his weenis Tarzan and that Tarzan is peen-scaped. That is all.
The day, Teresa prepares Milania for her birthday. By which I mean she tries various outfits and accessories on Milania, who acts like a raging bitch about everything. When Milania insists on wearing a dress she's already worn before (God forbid!), Teresa says no, so Milania stomps her little knee-high high-topped self into the room and flops down under the bed to have a crying jag. Teresa defines this behavior as "full of energy" and gives in to the five-year-old's terrorist-like demands. Though she thinks the princess pink tulle monstrosity is too fancy for the party, she can't help but squeal with excitement at how cute her daughter looks and say, "Princess Milania, I'm at your service." That's a way to teach a kid who's boss.
Teresa admits that the parties she's thrown for her children in the past have been extravagant. Now she's adopting an ideology that the extravagance in her kids' lives will be from love instead of money. As such, they're having Milania's party at Joe's pizzeria.. Having seen their Christmas celebrations, though, I'm thinking this strategy is going to go over like a lead balloon.
Bonus footage: Back in Joeboken, we learn that Greg had his first kiss (with a girl, mind you) before Albie did and that Greg would clean up if he were a straight man. (I think it's probably safe to assume he cleans up as a gay man as well.) Albie and Christopher ask if they immediately give off a straight vibe. Albie especially wonders because he has received some lewd Facebook messages. Christopher jokes that Greg should send out an e-mail to his "All the Gays" distribution list (surely they have such a thing, he suggests) to stop assuming. Albie deadpans, "This conversation is getting weird," then buries his face back in his drink.
Returning to the present, Teresa is on her way to the pizzeria. While Milania is passed out in the back (doubtless from the million tantrums she's already thrown today), Gia asks if Joe Gorga will be at the party. Both she and Teresa agree that they hope so, but Gia especially because she has a surprise in store. Hopefully it doesn't involve gymnastics. We don't need any more chipped teeth up in here. Then again, Joe is generally a lot more agile and a lot less blithering drunk than Juicy, so he might be okay.
People begin to arrive at the party, including the Manzos and Wakiles. Kathy thinks her show of support at the book signing has smoothed things over between Teresa and her. Caroline is less confident. She thinks the Punta Cana trip is going to be a disaster, and she plans to sequester herself with a mojito under her own cabana. She quips that the trip should be a battle to the death involving coconuts. Whoever makes it out alive can come back to Jersey. This joke seems to make Kathy uncomfortable, probably because violence really is just one misused coconut away for these people.
As the Lauritas arrive, the kids start getting restless and hungry. Teresa is flustered because she's waiting for the Gorgas to cook the pizzas. Having seen that they arrived about four hours late to her book signing, she should know better, but what Teresa should know and what she actually does know never seem to match up. The kids are literally banging on the tables and yelling "WE WANT PIZZA!" as the Gorgas arrive. The ladies' ensembles seem to be observing a Clan of the Cave Bear theme tonight, with exotic pelts and ponchos of all sorts. Melissa says she's been praying that the Joes won't fight.
The Gorgas make their way inside, where Joe gives Gia a huge hug. Juicy looks on angrily. He heads back to the kitchen, where Teresa asks him if he said hi to Joe and Melissa. Frankly, it's a stupid question and a bad idea. These two men clearly hate each other, so why not just keep their interaction minimal? Trying to appear polite is ill-advised when the gesture is inevitably going to result in an amateur ultimate fighting match. Rich is not helping things, as he and Joe stand outside and make fun of Juicy's chipped tooth and joke around about knocking out some more of his teeth. I say if they're going to make fun of anything, it really should be his choice to wear a chef's hat. The guys head back inside as Juicy teaches the kids how to make their own personal pizzas. For now, the violent impulses are being kept at bay, and Kathy hopes it stays that way. She thinks the guys should realize that they would, in fact, be a lot stronger if they could control themselves
The demonstration continues until Milania has had enough of rolling out dough, spreading sauce, and sprinkling cheese. She says simply, "I hate it," and they're on to the . Teresa has "made" (more likely ordered) a pizza cake, and Milania invites her cousin Antonia to blow out the candles with her. After that, Gia presents her surprise -- a song she has written for her sister. And now I'm going to show y'all how strong I am by not making fun of lyrics including "First you were born, then you were two, then you were three, then you were four, now you are fiiiiiive!" The song even includes gymnastics pointers! The adults all smile, and it gets a big round of applause.
Then Gia tells everyone she made up a song for Teresa and Joe. Anyone who knows anything is all, "Abort! Abort!" Gia soldiers on, but she doesn't even get a full line into the song before bursting into tears. Joe comes over to comfort her so she can get through it. She starts to sing the song in earnest, and it's basically about how Teresa and Joe's rift is giving her clinical depression (ex. "Worrying and worrying, it is just too much, it is just too much"). It's really sad and super-uncomfortable. After she finishes, the silence hangs in the air for several seconds before people realize they need to pick their chins up off the ground and clap for the girl who just poured her heart out. Joe holds her tight and tells her how much he loves and appreciates her. Outside, he admits seeing that his fighting with Teresa is having an effect on his goddaughter. He hopes her song will serve as a wake-up call. Everyone agrees it's a cry for help. Caroline says it's tragic and adds hopefully, "Maybe the children will teach them how to act like adults."
Teresa and Joe hug each other in a display of solidarity, and Teresa assures Gia that they love each other. Gia says tearfully, "Maybe you should start acting like it." She continues to cry, even while holding a cupcake. I don't know about your personal feelings about cupcakes, but that's rock bottom for me. Teresa promises everything will be fine with her brother and gives him a big, fake kiss on the cheek and starts squealing in exactly the way that Caroline was dismissing earlier. Joe asks, "You know why this kid's so good?" Teresa cuts him off, "She takes after me!" Joe comes back, "No, 'cause she has my heart." And, with that, even Gina's cry for help can be leveraged into bickering. Way to make it all about you, guys.
Demonstrating how wildly oblivious she really is, Teresa interviews, "I think Gia knows how hard I'm trying... so she definitely wanted my brother to hear the song." Yes, Teresa, that song was only about Joe. You are blameless. This is getting to SamRo 2.0 levels of toxic un-self-awareness. Teresa then launches into her squealing "everyone loves everyone!' bullshit, grabbing a Joe in each arm and saying over-sweetly how much she loves her two guys. Joe mutters in Italian, "Oh, Madon'! When can we leave?" Seeing that her public humiliation was all for naught, Gia nibbles morosely at her cupcake. That was the day this little girl became a woman. Forget menstruation. Forget intercourse. Only the crushing disappointment of reality (such as seeing what a petty, disingenuous, desperately flawed hag your mother actually is) can force a young girl to grow up. Apparently, Kathy has never grown up because she still holds hope that Punta Cana won't be a complete and utter disaster. It's worth noting that Rich does manage to press the two Joes faces together and get them to clasp hands for a picture without anyone getting punched. And, on a lighter note, Milania spends basically the rest of the party not to eat the cake because it will "hurt [her] feelings." Awesome.
week: NJ goes to the DR, and the surf isn't the only thing that's roiling as Kathy and Teresa have a major blow-out. Things get so bad that even Juicy tries to play peacemaker (albeit by telling everyone to shut the eff up). Why couldn't Bravo have sent these people to the Bermuda Triangle instead?