Previously: Bratshley has no prospects. Teresa, Melissa, and Kathy perhaps have too many.
The Manzo boys and their cousin drive to Caroline's parents' former house, where Caroline's brother Chris has set up a product development company that he has invited the fellows to join. Christopher admits it's kind of hard to take seriously the place where he opened Christmas presents during his childhood. As such, when Albie calls the first meeting to order, Chris suggests they write a book about toilets, and I quote, "because, when you're on vacation, you don't just shit anywhere." Albie's response: "Hear me out here. I don't think a shit book is ultimately the direction we want to go in." Ha! He adds that Chris wants to build a business for his children (his real children, not that ungrateful hussy Bratshley) to take over one day. Albie promises not to let him down with defecation didacticism. Chris's idea: Breathalyzer for mobile phones. Albie snarks, "Ashley should have that on her Twitter account."
That night, Kathy, Rich, and the kids get ready for a surprise party for Rich. One that Rich already knows about, mind you. Joseph says he's going to wear his white vest, and Rich teases that it'll be like what Mr. Rogers used to wear. "In Beirut it was called Mr. Alalalalalu's Neighborhood," he jokes. He explains that he was born and raised in Beirut until he was eight years old. When his family moved to America, he didn't know the language, so he used jokes as a way into the new culture. Then he adds, "And if I make my wife life, and everybody else in the world gets insulted by my jokes, fuck 'em." Now that's the can-do spirit!
Rich asks how Kathy's get-together for the ladies was, specifically how was Teresa. Kathy cautiously says Teresa was okay, then mentions the strangely coincidental announcement that Teresa and Joe are opening up a restaurant, too. Rich laughs, "I can't believe Juicy Joe still has it in him." Kathy interviews that she's happy for Teresa's success. She says diplomatically, "There are a million stars in the sky, and they all shine just as bright. One doesn't take away from the other." Then rolls the bejesus out of her eyes. Awesome. Kathy tells Rich that Teresa and Juicy won't be at his party that night, and he thanks her for the birthday gift. Double awesome.
Meanwhile, Melissa and Joe are driving to the party bantering back and forth with their typical smear of sexual innuendo. Melissa mentions the girls' night and says she had fun with Jacqueline and Caroline. That is, until Teresa arrived, and things got catty. She's still sore that Teresa isn't pumped about her singing career. Joe says Teresa's inability to accept others' success has always been her biggest character flaw.
The Wakiles make it to the Aladdin restaurant, where they greet the Manzos, Lauritas, and Gorgas. Belly dancers shimmy and hookahs spout out smoke plumes as Rich gives the Italians a hard time for craving pasta and bread in a restaurant full of hummus and kefta. Soon enough, the hookah pipes make their way over to the gang's table. Caroline is concerned about the hygiene of sharing a few pipes between all these people, but Kathy deems the experience relaxing and sensual. Relaxing, maybe. Sensual? The smoke seeping out of various nostrils begs to differ.
Things get increasingly trippy as the ladies and gents continue to partake of the pipe. Joe transitions from declaring he wants to smell Melissa's armpit to announcing to the group that Melissa has a huge scar (that he wants to bite?) from open-heart surgery when she was a child. It's a really random expositional digression that I think is meant to express Melissa's indomitable spirit. She explains that she was dancing and singing a month after she got out of the hospital. I couldn't tell you for sure what the point of this little side story is, though, because it's mainly just random and weird and hookah-induced.
Luckily Richie sparkling cake comes a moment later, and they stop talking about Joe chewing on Melissa's scars. Oh, but wait! Because then the belly dancers are back out, and he heads out to the floor to gyrate his pelvis with them. Can you tell a singular person to get a room? If you can, Joe Gorga is a prime candidate. We get a palate cleanser when Kathy's kick-ass sister Rosie makes it rain for the shimmying ladies. Soon enough, everyone is out on the floor. Jacqueline is especially spirited with her undulations. Melissa, however, as Richie puts it, "Can't fuckin' dance to save her life." I'm pretty sure she walks like an Egyptian at one point. The only people left at the tables are Caroline, Chris, and Lauren, who snarks, "I don't think the three of us could get more Italian right now."
The day, Teresa heads over to Jacqueline's house to show her the ugliest damn fur you've ever seen in your life. It's hot pink with purple streaks and random pieces that hang down and flap about. Says Teresa, "You know me. I have to stand out." Well you're assured of as much if you put that horrifying thing on. Apparently, this is what she plans to wear to the grand opening of Lauren's cosmetics line at Chateau. Jacqueline's outfitted (a studded, one-shoulder lycra number) is positively understated to Teresa's, though she's concerned because her arms aren't toned yet. Teresa tells her she needs to get toned before they head to Punta Cana in a few weeks on the group trip.
Jacqueline asks how Teresa is feeling about that, and Teresa insists, "They [presumably the Gorga-Wakiles] don't faze me." Jacqueline says she wishes Teresa was at Rich's party the other night and gives Teresa the update. Teresa interviews confidently that Jacqueline and Caroline are "her" friends, then adds to cover her ass that she wouldn't be bothered if they "jump ship." The ladies toast to Punta Cana. Teresa asks if Bratshley's coming. Jacqueline worries the island wouldn't be big enough for the two of them. She brings up Bratshley's failure to follow through with Lauren's T-shirts for that night. She admits the two of them have been tip-toeing around each other since it was decided that Bratz would move out. "Maybe she needs to... be away from you," says Teresa, ever tactful.
That night, Lauren's debut party gets in full swing, and Caroline is a proud mama. Melissa and Joe arrive soon after Teresa and Jacqueline, and Melissa can't resist commenting on Teresa's coat. Kathy smartly remains mum. Jacqueline checks in with Caroline about whether Bratshley came through with the T-shirts. Long story short, she completed the design, but Lauren had to make sure the T-shirt itself was manufactured. Bratz shows up late to the party and beholds her work. She says she's actually proud of it now that she sees it on the shirt because it looks better fully realized. Lauren is not amused. Jacqueline says location has nothing to do with Bratshley's problems because they're self-imposed.
The day, Teresa takes Audriana and Milania to the grocery stores. Milania immediately starts climbing the walls and generally acting a fool. She's raking tomatoes into bags, thrusting watermelons into Teresa's arms, and demanding they buy a pineapple. Hilariously, she pulls a TV dinner out of the freezer, and Teresa's all, "Put that away! Mommy cooks for you every night!" Uh huh. Then she pulls out some frozen pigs in blankets and offers them up as an alternative. I guess we all have different definitions of "cooking." And Teresa's is somewhere just above mine and below Mrs. Flax in Mermaids. Teresa stops shopping to call Joe and invite him to her latest book signing. He can't resist telling her "better late than never" but promises to be there and support her. She keeps him on the phone while chastising Milania for crawling all over the ready-made food cooler, falling on and smashing salads along the way. Joe eventually thanks her again as a means to get off the damn phone. She hangs up and displays her incredible short-term memory by high-fiving Milania and thanking her for being so good -- even as she is yanking her down from the cooler.
Meanwhile, Melissa and her sisters greet SoulDiggaz at the Gorga mansion and take them down to the recording studio to make some vocal magic. And by "magic," I mean recordings that the producers quickly deem "pitchy," "really poor," and "horrible." Melissa says she's pursuing her music career in order to make her deceased father proud. Insert childhood VHS footage of Melissa doing sexy dancing with some seriously crazy permed hair. Cut to interview of Melissa tearfully saying, "I'm doing it, Daddy!" Melissa eventually warms up and even inspires one of her sisters to do the robot. Now if that's not a testament to the SoulDiggaz' producing prowess... well, then look no farther than two seconds later when both sisters are fist pumping. With pointed fingers! Close-fisted pumping is so 2010.
The day, Chris, the Manzo boys, and the head of PR for this dubious new company convene for a business meeting with representatives from a Canadian water company, a potential new client. Albie worries that Christopher and his big mouth could be a liability, whereas Christopher thinks Albie needs to "lighten the fuck up." The reps, who are sisters, automatically like the family aspect of the business but wonder about the relatively untested nature of the company. They admit that their product is going to take a little extra skill to sell because it's -- get this -- black water (due to fulvic acid). Caroline laughs in an interview that, with the stigma against Jersey water, that her sons are selling black water. In the end, the push-and-pull of Christopher and Albie's different personalities is seen as an asset for the businesswomen, as is Christopher's experience as a party organizer and can-do attitude.
Elsewhere, Joe Gorga is backpedaling on his promise to go to Teresa's book signing that night. He shares some messages from Juicy accusing her and Melissa of being fake and threatening to break Joe's jaw. Melissa is particularly angry because Teresa has long insisted she was the cause of the rift between the two families. She believes Juicy is the source. Joe adds that Juicy is ultimately hurting Gia since Joe is her much-beloved godfather. (All the while they're having this trash talking session in front of their own kids, mind you.) Melissa thinks the problem stems from jealousy on Juicy and Teresa's part at the Gorgas' work ethic and success. Joe says Juicy and Teresa bring out the worst in him, such as with the christening, and that one day he's going to snap. Wait. The christening wasn't him snapping? Table flipping and fist fights are snapping?
That evening, Teresa arrives an hour late to her own book signing, banging her door into a nearby car on the way in. She is greeted by a host of fans, one of whom proposes to her with a huge fake diamond ring keychain. She jokes that she's going to show it to Juicy and tell him he needs to do better. I wonder how many people in the audience actively cringed in light of her ongoing financial difficulties. As the signing carries on, there's no sign of Joe and Melissa. Teresa says she "would love to see how [it] feels" to have family who supports her. A sentiment I'm sure Melissa and Kathy could echo. Speaking of Kathy, she and Rich arrive just as Teresa's packing up to congratulate Teresa. Kathy pulls her own copy out of her bag and says she wants to buy a copy for her mother. Kathy interviews that she never intended to hurt Teresa and doesn't know how things got as strained as they did. Since Teresa is already decked out in her purple fur (yes, another horrendi-fur), they say they won't keep her and make their way out. Teresa hangs behind and pulls out her phone, presumably to text Joe as to why he and Melissa didn't show up.
Just as she's doing so, Joe and Melissa show up. Sure, it's at 8:30 PM for a five o'clock book signing, but they got an hour free since Teresa couldn't even be asked to make it on time. Melissa struts in, asking, "It's already over?!" And Joe thanks her for inviting him, though he does mention again that it was the first time. Joe makes a big show of buying 10 copies of the book even though Teresa already gave him one. He congratulates Teresa and asks her to sign a copy of the book for him. She struggles over what to write for several minutes, then tears up as she writes, "Joe, I love you more than anything in this world. I miss my brother. Love, Teresa."
Not taking the hint that she's choked up, Joe asks her to read it aloud. She spits it out awkwardly, and he walks around the table and gives her a perfunctory kiss on the cheek. She says she wished it would have been a tight hug because she can tell he still has a wall up. He finally reveals why he's maintaining his distance by aggressively telling her that she needs to tell Juicy to stop threatening him. He hands down an ultimatum that they will have no relationship if Juicy doesn't stop the antics. Teresa sits there, speechless, so Joe piles on some more. Teresa interviews that Juicy thought the Gorgas' first-time appearance at this event was self-promoting. Joe quiets down for a moment, which is when Melissa chimes in. As all their conversations have a habit of doing, things quickly devolve into a petty cluckfest over whether Facebook is a sufficient way to invite family to a book signing. Joe jumps back in to reiterate his original point that if Juicy doesn't get it together, Joe will be out of Teresa's life. He makes a big show of picking up his books and proclaims, "time I'm walkin' out with boxes." Well then! With family like this, who needs enemies?
Teresa heads home, where she's greeted by friends, family, and her very drunk husband. Juicy slurps down wine while Gia does aerials on the marble floor in the hallway. Emboldened by his daughter's gymnastic skills, Juicy decides to do his own trick. At which point I suspect Teresa's book will be called Recipe for Disaster. Joe does a fairly unimpressive somersault onto a mat, which is all well and good, until he keeps spinning and smashes his head on the floor. Gia freaks out when she sees his chipped tooth, and Teresa likens him to Tales from the Crypt (or, as she says it "Creep-t") with some embarrassment. For his part, Juicy just keeps on a-drinkin'.
A friend asks Teresa how her book signing went, so she mentions that the Wakiles and the Gorgas showed up to support her. She doesn't mention Joe's ultimatum, but Juicy is poised to jump right in and snark about the evil spirits surrounding Teresa. Teresa gets frustrated about Juicy's trash talk and asks him what his problem is. Smart move, Tre. Provoke a drunk to launch into a tirade. Juicy reiterates his notion that the Gorgas only showed up for the cameras, then jabbers something about Joe being jealous that Teresa is taller and has more hair. Teresa tries to defend Joe, claiming Melissa is poisoning the well, when Juicy tells her to shut up. Teresa tells him to knock it off, then goes back to her point. She claims Juicy never tries to sour her on Joe (which begs the question, "What do you think he's doing right now, Teresa?") and focuses her blame back on Melissa. Juicy calls Melissa's family white trash and insists that he would never start a fight, especially not at a christening. He credits Teresa with all of Joe's success and generally curses like a sailor while slugging back red wine. Class act.
Now that she's wound up, Teresa brings up Joe's accusation that Juicy threatened him. Juicy goes to get his phone to show Teresa what he wrote. I'm guessing it's exactly what Joe claimed and that Juicy simply doesn't think he's making threats. That's just how he rolls. A man of few words, all of them horrible. He's also the kind of guy that drops the f-bomb (and not the four-letter one) in mixed conversation while talking about his own wife's brother. Again I say, class act. At which point one of the less wasted guests steps in to arbitrate. Apparently the source of the threats was when Joe (who is, indeed, listed in Juicy's phone as "Fa***t") called Juicy a "stupid ass." Naturally Juicy responded, "Watch who you call stupid ass before I put your jaw on [sic] one of those metal cages." Juicy keeps flailing and pointing angrily, certain that he is in the right, and Teresa realizes that she doesn't have a leg to stand on.
As the guests sit around uncomfortably, Juicy drags a memory out of the vault. He explains that his dislike for Joe goes way back to when Teresa and he were dating. He took it as a sign of disrespect that Joe stayed friendly with one of Teresa's exes. He says he "got rid of" Teresa back then because he didn't need her. Teresa points out that he didn't do a very good job getting rid of her since she's still around, and he slurs something unintelligible (but presumably offensive) about why he came back. Teresa tells him he got over all that and asks what is his issue now. He goes back to the christening, saying he didn't like how Joe spoke to Teresa and mentioning that his own mother's hair was pulled. He vows to "fight 'til the end of time" with Joe if that's what it takes.
week: Joe visits the Manzo boys in Hoboken. Kathy likens Juicy to a Mean Girl. Teresa and Melissa go at it over the text in which both of their husbands acted like jerks. And Gia gets emotional over Joe and Teresa's fight at Milania's fifth birthday party.