Previously: Teresa and Melissa vaulted live grenades back and forth, conversationally speaking. Lauren had body image issues. Bratshley had underage drinking issues. Kathy's daughter Victoria had underage mingling issues.
It's 2011 at the Giudice house as the whole family gathers around for a meal. Teresa promises that, even though 2010 was an ongoing train wreck, 2011 will be amazing. "To me the best things in life are good food, good sex, and amazing friends and family." To which I say Hell Yes, Hurl, Indeed, and True. Teresa makes a toast to her family members and thanks them for passing along their recipes for her upcoming book Fabulicious. Turns out this impromptu dinner party is actually a shoot for her cookbook. Gabriella is looking characteristically sour. Her "Bishpleez" face may be emerging as my favorite internal commentary on the show. Teresa says it's important for her to document what an amazing family she has. As such, Milania starts crying like a maniac and won't stop until the crew takes a break. Out of the mouths of babes...
A bit later, they're shooting the cover with Teresa, her mom, and Gia. Teresa says it's incredibly important that this book does better than her last. She thinks her "real"-ness will pull her through. Gia's stankness might not be a benefit, though. Home girl is like sulking like it's her job. Throw some fishnet tights, hooker heels, and a blonde wig on, and you've got Taylor Momsen.
Elsewhere, Kathy and Rich are marveling over how quickly Victoria is growing up. She has a formal coming up and presumably a date to said formal. Kathy thinks it's time for "the talk." Rich's response: "She's only 16!" Only? It's too late, guys. She probably knows more about this stuff than you do. Rich wants to think of her as his little girl, but Kathy knows better. She says Victoria inherited "the party gene" and that there are boys (and apparently men who know the Manzos) who'll have certain expectations. Rich argues that, if Victoria ever wants to "do that," she'll automatically imagine his face over the guy she's "doing that" with, and it'll be a total ladyboner killer. Well, I can't argue with at least a little of that logic. Rich can't even say the word "sex" in his interview in regard to Victoria. He has to spell it out. It is funny when he tells Kathy to take a "Before" shot of Victoria in advance of "the talk" so they can document the trauma they put her through.
Hoboken. Christopher explains that he got a job at a bar to pay for his OnDemand bill because "Toy Story doesn't pay for itself." Right, Christopher... Toy Story. The Manzo-Lauritas come to visit him at work and everyone rubs Bratshley's underage nose in it by taking a shot first thing. Chris Laurita throws down a big, fat one-dollar tip. Jacqueline tells him to pull out his wallet and throw down a 20. Greg asks Bratshley what's new with her. She says she's struggling to figure out what she wants to do most among all her interests. Lauren (who is all of 23) says bluntly, "She reminds me of myself when I was 20 years old: Lazy, no ambition." Jacqueline says Bratshley's behavior at the New Year's party made it clear that all Bratz wants to do is party. What's worse, she was out with a friend the other night who rolled her car. She said it was a scary moment to have to answer that doorbell. While Jacqueline broods on one end of the bar, Christopher and Albie make fun of Bratshley's underage drinking on the other.
Jacqueline and Chris step outside and greet some friends. They sneak the friends in, and it turns out that it's Bratshley's dad Matt and his new wife. Bratz bursts into tears when she sees him. He quickly tells her she has some 'splainin' to do. Jacqueline explains that Matt's trip to Jersey isn't a pleasure cruise. She enlisted him to stage an intervention of sorts so that Bratz will make better decisions in the future. Bratz immediately says, "Listen, I don't have time for hour-long lectures..." As if she has any authority to wield about when and where this shit is going down. What a jackhole. The parents plan for a brunch meeting to break everything down to Bratshley. Meanwhile, Lauren and Greg are totally ogling Matt, which is awesome.
The day, Melissa's sisters Lysa and Kim come over to talk trash about Teresa. Melissa does her nasal impression of Teresa throwing shade on her about her emergent singing career. Melissa worries that the fact that the kids can't bring them together means nothing will be able to. Not that her mouth is helping. Or Teresa's of course. They're in a constant contest to see who can produce the most verbal diarrhea, all the while failing to realize that the only possible outcome is that they will be buried in shit. Lysa moves on to a story about one of their cousins going to a medium, who channeled the spirit of Melissa's deceased father Anthony. From the afterlife, he said that Melissa should stick to her pursuits because she will be a huge success. Melissa and her sisters have a long cry.
Meanwhile, Lauren finds Caroline cleaning out her closet from all of the clothes that don't fit her anymore since she lost weight. The activity inspires Lauren to express her frustration about her weight plateau. Caroline urges her to exercise. Lauren worries that, regardless of her size, she'll never feel good about herself. This sadness makes Caroline cry. She gives Lauren a pep talk to inspire her to realize her beauty is within because only that will allow her to be okay with her body one day.
The day, Bratshley looks over pictures of her dad and stepmom from the other night. Jacqueline appreciates how much Bratz loves her dad but admits that it hurts sometimes the she doesn't get the same respect. She asks if Bratz if going out that night. The answer, of course, is yes. Jacqueline thinks she dedicates too much of her energy to going out and hopes her dad's influence will be positive. Jacqueline asks what Bratshley's plan for school is, and Bratz says she's looking into moving to California. Jacqueline's all, "On whose dime, missy?" Bratz thinks she'll get out there and get a job, and everything will be copacetic. You know, just like in Burlesque. Bratz says she wants to go somewhere where she can focus on herself. Clearly, she's been deprived of that on the East Coast. Poor thing. She murmurs something about being away from "toxic people." Whatever that means.
Elsewhere, Kathy and Victoria go shopping for formal dresses. And it. Is. Horrible. First there's a ruched bright green number with a clump of simulated flowers in place of a single sleeve. Then there's an iridescent travesty with a mullet hemline. Then there's a one-shoulder brown and blue sequined situation. Then a blue sequined pageant dress with a sheer ass (save for some sequin trails) and a mermaid skirt. No, Victoria. Just no. Kathy thinks Victoria is too young for these sexy dresses, but Victoria's, like, "I'm 17 mooooooom." You remember being that young and thinking you were a fully formed person? Hahahaha. Thems were the days.
Speaking of people who don't know anything, Kathy decides to have "the talk" in the middle of this store. On the upside, they're the only people there. On the downside, they're the only people there, which means the salesgirls are hanging on every cringe-inducing word coming out of Kathy's mouth. Victoria plays her hand all wrong and mentions then and there that her friends are thinking of getting a party bus. Wrong place and time, flossy. In between panic attacks, Kathy recalls her own courtship with Rich and insists that he always treated her like a lady. To her credit, Kathy actually does maintain an even timbre in her voice and assures Victoria that she's not concerned Victoria's going to step out of line so much as her friends. They really do seem to have a solid, trusting relationship. Though the fact that they're just having "the talk" now is a little concerning. Whatever, I'd take Kathy as my Jersey Housewives mom any day. As long as she promised never to wear that horrendi-Gaga outfit again.
Over at Chez Gorga, the SoulDiggaz arrive to start recording with Melissa. She says she hopes "On Display" becomes a huge hit so she can repay Joe (with something other than sex, presumably) for installing the studio in their home. Joe joins as the guys settle in, and there's lots of uncomfortable joking about "once you go black..." Eventually, they get to recording. Melissa finds it challenging to stay on tune and rhythm. I believe the word used was "crazy." After a couple of takes, she gets on track and thanks Jesus.
Elsewhere, Jacqueline, Caroline, the Manzo kids, and Greg head to the kickboxing center to help Lauren stick to her New Year's resolution to lose weight. Let's just say kickboxing is not Caroline's forte, and Lauren is a grumpy exerciser. That is, until she gets a gander at Greg's balls. That seems to cheer up everyone (except Greg).
The day, all four of Bratshley's parents are waiting for the guest of dishonor. They clink their bloody Marys... to a successful intervention? Perhaps not the greatest strategery, guys. Jacqueline asks Matt if Bratz talked to him about her supposed move to California. He says he got a text that said, "I'm going to California. Are you going to pay for it or not?" Needless to say, he was not pleased. He seriously doubts her ability to succeed as a student in California when she couldn't even hack it at community college in Jersey this past year. He says that Bratshley changes her plans with the weather and has never displayed any real follow-through. He and Jacqueline agree that she expects everything from life but isn't willing to put anything back in. Picking up on the growing hostility, Chris ludicrously jokes that they should all take Bratz into a room and toss her around until she's positively pummeled. At least I think he's joking, judging by the smile on his and everyone else's face. Could just be evil glee.
After about half an hour of waiting, Bratz finally arrives, "looking like Lindsay Lohan" according to Jacqueline. The adults immediately pounce on her and ask her impossibly vague, somewhat patronizing questions about her plans for the future and what she wants to be when she "grows up." She pulls another idea out of her ass, saying she loves makeup and wants to go to cosmetology school in California. She sells it to her parents like, "Oh, what a lark this will be!" Sheesh. That is so obviously not what they're looking for.
Chris wonders where she's going to get the money to move to California. She claims she has savings that can go toward housing and only needs money for school. He immediately questions the veracity of that statement. Bratz claims she's working, but Chris says she parties all night and sleeps in all day. Bratshley looks down all hangdog and tries to figure out exactly when to pull out the victim tears. Matt steps in to assure her that they all love her but also to tell her to get it together. Chris says he's going to support her if she truly figures out what she wants to do. She rolls her eyes and lets out an exasperated puff of breath.
The point they're getting at is that Bratz needs to be accountable. Jacqueline brings up the example of Bratshley's ill-fated T-shirt design for Lauren. Bratz thinks Lauren is "making" her do a design that she doesn't want to. Jacqueline thinks that, if Bratz said she would do something for someone else, it shouldn't matter whether it's specifically Bratshley's vision or not. She should honor her commitment. None of it is going through, though, because Bratz feels totally ambushed and ganged up on. She thinks her parents constantly shoot her down and tell her that her efforts aren't good enough.
Somewhat apropos of that, Matt brings up a very recent of example of her efforts (or lack thereof) not being good enough when he asks, "What did you get your parents for Christmas?" That answer, in fact, is "Nothing." Bratz sits there in stunned, awkward-smiling silence. Chris joins in and explains that that kind of behavior is exactly why he and Bratz have a problem. He gives and gives and never gets anything back.
Once Jacqueline joins the fracas, shit gets real. She voices her chief frustration: Bratshley doesn't respect her. Proving exactly that, Bratz is all, "What? At least I'm not knocked up like you were at my age." At which point it's like everyone is bound and powerless to stop this head-on collision. The men literally drop their heads and check out, while Bratshley's stepmom is all, "Oh not she di'n't!" Jacqueline makes the point I just made, calling out Bratz for this blatant disrespect. Bratshley doesn't even have the awareness to connect the dots between what she just said and Jacqueline's overarching point. Hussmunch, thy name is Bratz.
Jacqueline immediately gets defensive, even as Bratz furiously tries to backpedal, claiming she meant that the fact that she hasn't had a kid yet was proof of Jacqueline raising her well. But Jacqueline is on fire now. Somehow the argument turns and becomes about babysitting? Bratz is all, "I didn't choose to have CJ and Nicholas." Which is to say, "I shouldn't have to watch them." Jacqueline actually raises her voice to the point that the people at the booth behind them turn around to watch the altercation. She tells Bratz that she doesn't "do a goddamn thing" for her and should be willing to help Jacqueline out when necessary considering all they're doing for her. Bratshley cups her face in her hands and starts laugh-crying at the shambolic nature of what's going down.
In her head, she has justified that the only reason things have gotten to this point is that Jacqueline won't end the argument. You see? It's all Jacqueline's fault. Matt tries to give her some pointers on how to deal with this perceived problem reasonably, but that only angers Jacqueline more. She starts putting on her coat and tells Bratz, "You are the most disrespectful brat I've ever seen in my life. You don't appreciate a goddamn thing anybody does for you. Nothing! You continue to treat me like I'm a piece of shit." She tells Bratz to get out of her house and storms off.
While Jacqueline gathers herself in the ladies room, Bratshley finds another rationalization for her behavior: Jacqueline doesn't speak to her with a calm enough tone. She gripes, "I look like the bitch again." Newsflash: You are, kid. Chris reminds Bratz that Jacqueline sacrificed a lot to be a mother, and Matt reinforces Jacqueline's point that Bratz doesn't respect her. For her part, Bratz thinks that Jacqueline lost any bargaining chips the minute she decided to keep the baby. I can't even get into that logic. Elsewhere, Jacqueline weeps in labored gasps. Chris tries one more time to get the message through to Bratz: "She put a lot of work into raising you, and she feels like you hate her for it." Matt basically tells Bratz he would beat her up if she pulled that with him. It's not the healthiest point to make, but it seems to resonate better with Ol' Thick Head McFlakerson. Chris heads downstairs to find Jacqueline, who says she's done. To be continued...
week: The intervention continues well beyond the restaurant. Juicy wins his fraud case. Kathy extends an olive (tapas) branch to Teresa and invites her to a tasting party, which only reignites the trouble between Teresa and Melissa.