Previously: A winter storm was a-brewin' between Teresa and her cousin Kathy, and it seems that storm will blow into town on New Year's Eve. Plus the never-ending saga of Bratshley carried on same old, same old.
We join Caroline in the middle of her radio show. This week's topic: New Year's resolutions, new beginnings, etc. One listener calls in to say that she is resolving not to smoke anymore because of her kids. Caroline tells the story of how she never used to wear a seat belt until Albie, then a lisping three-year-old, told her to buckle up because, "better thafe than thorry!" Isn't the image of little Albie and his little lisp enough to melt your heart?
Caroline moves to her caller, and Melissa tunes in just as Caroline is saying, "Do not let anybody intimidate you -- especially if you're doing something pure and good in your heart." Melissa takes that as a cue to call Teresa. She says it's to get the kids together, but you know she's just angling to have a Kathy-vention. Melissa says her resolution is to be the bigger person concerning situations with Teresa, no matter how frustrated she gets. For her part, Teresa admits she doesn't want to see Melissa either, especially after the Gorgas left her Christmas Eve party to go to Kathy's. "I mean seriously, could they get up each other's ass any more?"
Over at the Laurita house, Jacqueline asks her parents to sit Bratshley down and talk to her about priorities. Jacqueline's mother thinks Bratshley will grow up eventually, but Jacqueline thinks, at 20 years old, she should be grown up by now. Jacqueline's dad goes into Bratshley's room and finds her drawing. Bratshley says she's never really considered making a career out of her artistic talents. As her grandfather tries to encourage her, Bratshley continues shading her sketch of Marilyn Monroe and acting totally blasé and unappreciative of his feedback, as is her wont. The only time she pipes up is to say that she gets bored easily and doesn't like deadlines. Such promise, that one! Jacqueline admits she's burnt out from giving Bratshley the same advice time after time and feels like she's talking to a wall.
The day, Caroline calls Kathy to invite her to The Brownstone's annual New Year's Eve party. Caroline explains that her family and the Wakiles have been friends for years. Despite her loyalty to Teresa, Caroline refuses to hate Kathy just because Teresa says so. Kathy immediately mentions that there might be some awkwardness. Caroline responds, "I'd like to think that we're all adults and that we can get together in a room and have a good time and act appropriately." In combination with the notion of Teresa (or any Gorga, really), there are about 15 things wrong with that sentence. I mean, with this powder keg in place, Caroline might as well invite Kim G.
That night, Bratshley joins Lauren as she prepares for the grand opening of Face By Lauren Manzo, her cosmetics line, at Chateau. Lauren has designated Bratshley with designing the T-shirts that will go in her goodie bags. They sit down, wherein Bratshley presents Lauren one half-assed idea after another. What's more, they don't match what Lauren asked for. "It looks like she did them in her car," says Lauren. Lauren tells Bratshley to treat her like a client instead of a cousin and that, if she were a stranger, she would have blown her first impression. Bratshley does not take this well and prattles about how she won't have to work with clients when she's a professional artist. Apparently she's never heard of commissioned work. Lauren sends Bratshley off to get it right this time and warns, "If I don't have samples time we meet, it's going to be a shitstorm."
The day, Melissa is cleaning the house in preparation for Teresa's arrival. It seems like she's been waiting a while because Antonia asks repeatedly (and rather glumly), "When are they going to come?" and Melissa puts her off repeatedly. She insists that, if Teresa said she'd show up, she'll show up. Half an hour later over at Teresa's house, Milania is having a tantrum and throwing her clothes out of her drawers instead of getting dressed. An hour after that, Melissa watches as the kids jump around in their own personal bouncy castle (so jealous!) and wait for Teresa. Melissa doesn't understand why Teresa, who lives five minutes away, can be an hour and a half late. An hour after that, Teresa has finally made it on the road with the girls, who are fighting like cats and dogs. Back at the Gorga mansion, Gino tells Melissa he doesn't want to play with Milania because she chokes him.
The Giudices finally arrive and, man, are they dressed to the nines. There are animal prints galore, a fedora on Gia, and Milania is wearing what I believe may have been a prototype from Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat. How many muppets had to die for that thing, kid? Milania immediately sets about tearing up the Gorga kids' play room while Teresa demands a glass of wine. While the kids play, Melissa brings up Kathy. Teresa <lies insists she was nice to Kathy at Melissa's Christmas party and gets in a jabby insinuation that Melissa's closeness with Kathy is wrong since Melissa should be loyal to Teresa.
Melissa wonders what happened to pull them apart. Teresa insists Kathy has a nasty side and quickly gets feisty, saying pointedly, "Let me see if you're going to like this one, Miss Melissa..." She brings up that Kathy didn't ask Teresa to be part of her wedding, even though Teresa was the only cousin in America at the time. Melissa points out that Teresa didn't ask Kathy to be in her wedding either, and it seems that it was a retaliatory move because of Kathy's snub. Teresa also mentions that she's uncomfortable with Richie's inappropriate teasing. She thinks Rich is not a gentleman -- unlike her husband Juicy Joe, who she claims has never insulted Kathy. Melissa's, like, "What about the other night when he called Kathy fat?" Teresa's justification? He didn't say it to her face, so it's okay.
Teresa says she's publishing another cookbook in May. This one will be all family recipes. Melissa asks if Teresa wants some of hers. Teresa knee-jerks, "No." Then asks passive-aggressively, "Do you have any recipes?" Melissa offers again, but Teresa isn't picking down what she's putting up. She interviews, "Pork recipe? We all know that bitch doesn't cook." Melissa mentions that she has her own side project, too, in the album. Teresa is shocked and taken aback that Melissa is a singer. Melissa says Joe asks her to sing all the time, but Teresa just looks at her like she's crazy. Then she dismisses it, saying, "Nowadays anybody can be a singer. Kim Kardashian came out with a song..." Kind of like how Coolio and Ted Nugent came out with cookbooks?
Gia asks Melissa to sing for them, but Melissa sidesteps in and offers to show them the studio instead. She explains, "I feel like she's going to be Ursula and going to take my voice. So no. No, Ursula! No." They head downstairs, where Teresa asks again for her to sing. Melissa says she's been ordered to rest her voice for a couple of days. Teresa criticizes her diva-like behavior, asking, "What? Does she think she's Beyoncé or something?" Melissa brags about how supportive Joe's been. Teresa naturally finds the negative side of things, taking digs at Joe's jealousy and greed.
The night at Caroline's house, Jacqueline gets ready for the New Year's Eve party with Caroline, Lauren, and some of Lauren's friends. Bratshley sends a text to Lauren asking if she can bring friends to The Brownstone party. Caroline issues back an emphatic no since last year Bratshley and her underage friends got wasted and nearly threw up in Caroline's car.
The Giudices likewise get ready. By which I mean Juicy stands around eating pizza while Teresa gets her makeup done. Those in glass houses, Juicy... Teresa, who has apparently fallen into an amnesiac state from yesterday's histrionics, interviews about how excited she is to take her daughters to the New Year's Eve party because "they're so well-behaved." Witness, Milania is having another of her "horrible fours" moments as she stomps around in Teresa's knee-high leopard high-heel boots. Teresa tells her to be quiet because the baby's sleeping. Her response: "Who cares?" Has Bratshley been babysitting her?
Meanwhile, the Wakiles arrive at the Gorga mansion to primp for the night out. Kathy says it was nice of Caroline to invite the Wakiles to the party. Not content to leave well enough alone, Melissa stirs the pot by bringing up Teresa's stand-offish behavior toward Kathy at her Christmas party. Kathy insists she has no expectations for her relationship with Teresa. She plans to be civil but not go out of her way to try to revive what they had. On the other hand, Melissa seems to be hell-bent on ruining her relationship with Teresa afresh. She tells Kathy that Teresa called and offered to put a picture of Melissa and Joe in the new cookbook, then added, "If I really want to be mean, I could show people what you used to look like." She mimics Teresa's nasal tone, then says that she took the higher ground and didn't say a word. No, because she was saving all her words for now. Then again, by Teresa's standards, as long as she's not talking trash to her face, it's all good, right?
Caroline, Lauren, and Lauren's friends drive to The Brownstone. Lauren jokes that she's chosen to wear a giant fake cocktail ring on her finger in hopes that she'll end the year with a real one in its place. The ladies debate whether it's more important to look good or feel good on New Year's Eve. Caroline admits that Lauren has struggled with her Manzo genes and, thus, her weight.
They arrive at the party, where Christopher is serving up drinks and people are mingling. Caroline, Jacqueline, and Teresa head to the bathroom, where Teresa moans about her brother not staying at her party on Christmas Eve. Caroline tries to see the bright side and points out that it's possible the Gorgas wouldn't have come over at all given how tense things have been with them this year. Of course, Teresa is unmoved. Caroline says Teresa doesn't get it and should be grateful for the baby steps. Since things are already on a rough note, Caroline bites the bullet and tells Teresa that she invited Kathy and Rich to the party. Teresa admits this irritates her but figures she'll probably ignore Kathy anyway.
On a lighter note, the Manzo boys spend a good 15 minutes making fun of Caroline's hair, which is, to be fair, terrible. It's a slicked-back mess. They tell her she looks like a medieval princess, then Wyatt Earp, and then the coup de grâce from Christopher: "My mom is going for the 1950s greaser look, like she's going to pull out a razor blade in a milkshake place or something." Caroline takes it all good-naturedly, even when Christopher tells her, "You look like you would date one of the Duran Duran people."
The Gorgas and Wakiles arrive with Baked by Kathy treats in hand. Teresa looks on awkwardly, laser beams practically shooting out of her buggy eyes. Then, in an interview, Teresa basically takes credit for Kathy's attempt at a career as a cook. Melissa notes that Teresa is ignoring Kathy and thinks she should embrace her cousin. All the better to get a good angle to stab her in the back, right, Mel? As such, she takes Jacqueline "Middle-Man" Laurita aside to complain that Teresa needs to forgive and forget. Neither of which Melissa has actually done with any authenticity, mind you.
Then there's a weird interlude between Joe Gorga, Rich, and Juicy where the words "punk-ass" and "dickface" are tossed about like mortar boards on graduation day. Kathy says Rich and Juicy have always busted each other's balls, but it seems like now it's less fun and more passive-aggressive insults. The men hug it out as they call each other "cock sucker" and threaten to fuck each other up. Albert watches vigilantly from the sideline, poised and ready to break up anything that might go down.
Over at the bar, Bratshley is at the bar trying to coax Christopher into making her a shot. He tells she's got another year until she's legal and tries to send her on her way. She tells him, "I'm 20 years old. My parents have no say anymore." Tough talk for someone who's still living at home, little lady.
With 18 minutes until 2011, the party is in full swing. Rich gets concerned that an older boy has approached 16-year-old Victoria. He heads over and, alas, sends the guy packing with very little incident. And the clock keeps ticking. Melissa, Jacqueline, Caroline, and Teresa kibbutz on the sidelines. Melissa says she's glad that everyone can be in the same place. Teresa says she wouldn't be so cool with it any other day, but squeals, "Tonight, because it's New Year's, I'm haaaaaaaapyyyyyyy!" Jacqueline notes that Teresa's voice totally changes when she's trying to make peace with her family members. It's called being a bad liar, Laurita. See also: Your daughter.
Awesomely, Melissa's all, "Let's get real. Enough with the fakeness." Caroline can't stop herself from laughing at this shitshow and has to bury her head in her hands. Melissa says she wants Teresa to be genuinely happy that everyone is together. Now that's pushing it. Teresa says she's happy about everyone at this particular table being here. Melissa makes the point that Kathy is Teresa's blood. Teresa says, nonsensically, "Right now she's your blood." Teresa says she doesn't want to talk about it, but Melissa keeps barreling forward at the most inappropriate place and time. She interviews that Teresa needs to stop being stupid and bitter.
Melissa says there has been hurt on both sides. Teresa, totally missing the point says, "Yeah, tit for tat." Melissa's, like, "Wait, no..." And then it devolves into the same old squabbling between the two of them like nothing ever changed. They need to fire this shit up over a grill in Brooklyn if you ask me. (Because that worked so well for Jill and Alex... oh wait...) Melissa tells Caroline how the whole Gorga-Giudice-Wakile clan used to vacation together, and she'd like to try that again. Teresa's voice goes to a frequency only dogs can hear in her response to that one.
Melissa suggests that the new year is a perfect time to forgive and forget. Teresa snaps back, "You can forgive all you want." Caroline warns Teresa that she will regret not reaching out to her cousin, then tells her she can refuse the olive branch only so many times before she becomes the bad guy. Jacqueline interviews that this friction could be easily resolved if Teresa wouldn't be so stubborn. The solution? Invite Jacqueline and Caroline on the Gorga-Wakiles' family trip -- Teresa says it's the only way she'll go. I suspect it's the only way Andy Cohen would foot the bill.
It's 30 seconds to midnight, and Albie's fist pumping, y'all. The clock counts down, and everyone shares hugs and kisses. Well, not everyone, obviously. But the people who aren't assholes. Caroline stands on the sidelines and surveys the scene: Her kids all grown up, her friends Teresa and Juicy going through a troubled time, Jacqueline dealing with a spoiled wench of a daughter, and the ongoing family feud between Teresa and her... everybody. Says Caroline, "They're wasting precious time." Kathy walks over to wish Teresa a happy new year, which Teresa brushes off and turns back to her daughter. As Juicy literally fondles Teresa on the dance floor, Rich says bitterly, "Fuck Teresa. New year, same assholes."
week: Kathy thinks it's time to have "the talk" with Victoria. Melissa starts recording. Lauren struggles with body imagine. Bratshley's dad comes on the scene, which only makes her attitude worse. Teresa's kids make a shambles of her cookbook photo shoot.