Previously: It's Christmas, and pretty much everyone hates each other, save for Chris Manzo and Kim G.'s son, Bratshley and the Jeep that Chris paid for, and Caroline and gaudy jewelry.
Christmas Eve. The Gorgas try to make a graceful exit from Teresa's party so they can go to that of her arch-nemesis-slash-cousin Kathy's. Teresa pulls a full guilt trip on Joe to try to make him stay and interviews that Kathy is being "kinda evil"... for inviting her cousin to a Christmas party? Joe tries to explain that it's his decision to take the family over to Kathy's, but Teresa insists that Kathy's not being a good cousin because she isn't urging Joe to stay at Teresa's house. She brings up the comment Kathy made at the Posche fashion show, and insists that Kathy deliberately tried to hurt her. Joe basically tells Teresa that this problem is between Kathy and her, and they should talk. Teresa claims she will when she's ready but says she's focusing her energies on reuniting her family and the Gorgas at this moment. And putting the guilt trip on Joe on Christmas Eve (including making him feel bad that Antonia won't have any young cousins to play with at Kathy's)? Well that's a great path toward reconciliation, Tre!
Manzo manse. There is grated cheese aplenty, and Caroline is still in her sweats as dinner is served. Her attitude about this schlubbishness? Deal with it. Caroline's Uncle Louie makes a toast that they have a great family, and everyone raises his/her glass to that notion.
Back at the Giudice estate, Melissa and Joe are trying to leave, so Teresa uses a pouting Antonia as her pawn to try one last shot at getting her brother to stay. And as is usually the case with people who ally themselves in an argument with a five-year-old, Teresa loses. At which point she falls back on the, "My parents are in bad health" gripe. Though, I will say, Giacinto seems pretty robust for someone who's practically dying according to Teresa. The Gorgas finally get a few steps out the door, but not without Gia giving her godfather/uncle a huge bear hug.
The party is winding down at the Manzo manse when Albert arrives home. Christopher and Albie are dispatched to go outside and jingle bells for Jacqueline's eight-year-old son CJ, so he'll think Santa is afoot. But that CJ is a smart cookie, and he's all, "I see someone lying on the grass under the deck, jingling bells. Pshaw." Christopher comes back and insists there was no one outside, and CJ's says straight-up, "It was you." Ha.
On the road to Kathy's, Joe gripes that Teresa was sniping at Kathy. Melissa wishes they all could have been together. They arrive and immediately feel more at home than at Teresa's, where Melissa says, "It was like we were among strangers." Melissa makes it clear to Kathy that she chose to eat at her house rather than Teresa's. For Italians, that's like the ultimate compliment/insult. Home is where the fork is. Melissa does says, however, that she hopes to get back to the place where spending holidays with Teresa's family is easy. Now I ask: Was it ever easy? From the entire narrative of the season so far, it sounds like they were at each other throats, in ways small and big, from day one. Then again, Melissa's been around a lot of hair spray in her day, so maybe her short-term memory's not that good. For all her fieriness, Kathy assures them that, if they'd wanted to stay at Teresa's, she would have respected that. Joe says he's put in the effort and shown up to the family gathering, now the ball is in Teresa's court.
With the food and the preliminary round of passive-aggressive trash-talking out of the way, talk turns to everyone's New Year's Eve plans. The biggest event in town is happening at The Brownstone, natch. Caroline hopes that Joe and Melissa are coming because she "can't get enough of" Joe because he reminds her of Christopher with his joie de vivre (or whatever the Italian equivalent is). Melissa mentions it to Kathy, who says her family doesn't have plans. Caroline admits to Jacqueline that she's on the fence about inviting the Wakiles. Jacqueline chimes in, "Teresa says no." Caroline's awesome response: "Well, it's not Teresa's party." Thank 89-year-old Jesus for adults in this world! Caroline hopes that the transition to a new year can signal a new era of peace between the Gorga-Giudice-Wakile clans. Jacqueline keeps hemming and hawing about Teresa's feelings until Chris steps in and tells her to stop being a 13-year-old girl. Besides, there's plenty of that going on with Melissa, who has unilaterally decided to have a sit-down with Teresa on behalf of Kathy. Because you know that's going to end well. Albie lightens the mood by asking if they'll need security for "Jeff Goldblum," a.k.a. Rich.
A bit later, Caroline and Albert give their kids the bracelet they designed. Lauren tears up and sniffles that Albie and Christopher aren't emotional enough. Quite the contrary, it seems like she's a raw nerve this season, no?
The day, Christmas has arrived! Chris shoots home video of the kids surveying their haul. And man is it a haul. I've never seen so many presents for a Brat, an eight-year-old, and a virtually non-cognizant one-year-old. The big exception to the onslaught of presents is Jacqueline, who is sad that Bratshley didn't get her anything. Bratshley justifies her lack of gift-giving on the money she spent on her car. She mumbles, "I know I probably should have gotten them something, but... whatever," then giggles. It's that total lame-ass apathy that gets me. I'm sure there's a certain amount that can be pegged to her being inarticulate, but then there's this whole other part where she really just doesn't give a damn. Like how she refuses to be truly grateful for everything Chris has done for her just because he's not her biological father. Like he's been trying to buy her off. Newsflash, sweetie: If he were trying to buy you off, he would have stopped long ago because you're such an ingrate. The irony, of course, is that I would not be the least bit shocked if Bratshley ended up being some old perv's sugar baby in the not-so-distant future.
Over at the Gorga mansion, Melissa does more squealing than the kids when they descend the stairs to check out what Santa brought. Among the loot is a mini-drum set. For Gino? Isn't he, like, three? I guess it's never too early to nurture your own little Mickey Dolenz or Peter Criss. After a tour of the kids other presents, we see all that Santa Joe brought to Melissa, including a blinged-out pair of Stuart Weitzman shoes (technically those are from Antonia), a Louis Vuitton roller bag, and a gold Rolex. She justifies the excess by saying that "it's Jesus's birthday." As a Southerner, that's got to be my favorite thing about Melissa. It all comes back to Jesus, no matter how convoluted or nonsensical the way there. "I want to shop like a maniac. It's Jesus's birthday!" "I'm a third-rate singer with a really nice rack and a super-rich husband, thus I can pursue a music career. Thank you, Jesus!" Jesus really is the best excuse.
Meanwhile, Teresa and the girls wake up a very grumpy Juicy and head downstairs for their gift unwrapping. Juicy can't be bothered to actually participate in the process, so he lies down on the couch and props his hand on the back so the camcorder can catch it all. As the carnage unfolds, Teresa insists that she wants to show her daughters that Christmas isn't just about materialistic things, but about family. Though I suspect it'll be hard for them to cotton on to that message as they're playing with their iPods, banging on their drum sets (yep, another drum set), tooling around in a Mercedes mini-truck, and splashing through puddles in their silver sparkly Uggs. Also of note, in her sound bite, Teresa playfully(?) complains that she should get the credit for the presents instead of Santa. Yeah, this holiday is not about the presents at all. The Teresa giftstravaganza is decidedly less elaborate than Melissa's. She gets some suede gloves and... well... I wouldn't call it the ugliest coat in the world, but I'm quite sure if I saw on the clearance rack at Loehmann's, I'd still shudder. But, as we know, Teresa's fashion taste is one-of-a-kind. She can't resist asking Juicy, "So no diamonds this year, huh?" Cringe.
It's a much calmer scene at the Wakile homestead. Victoria gets a lot of shoes, as young girls should. Kathy gets Rich a chunky, diamond-studded wedding band because he is in the habit of losing his. The kids present Kathy her gift (a laptop she can use to start her own business) with a beautiful speech about pursuing her dreams. Kathy and Rich both tear up at hearing how their kids love and support them. Victoria and Joseph officially have now tied with the Manzos for the coolest New Jersey kids. That is a nice present.
Elsewhere, Caroline and Albert are empty nesting since the boys are at their apartment and Lauren is with Vito. They drive around town reminiscing about past Christmases with their kids and joking about what old age will hold for them. Along the way, they drive down a road that they drove on the night Albert proposed. Apparently he was so nervous back in the day, that he pulled over abruptly (and decidedly non-romantically) under a highway overpass and popped the question. Cut to the present, where Albert makes good by stopping at the very same underpass, stepping out of the car, and getting down on one knee to present a now-crying Caroline with a serious diamond ring. Caroline explains that it's the original diamond, and Albert had it reset. Also, worth noting: Caroline used to be 92 pounds. I know she's a short lady, but wow!
We return to Gorga Giftapalooza as Joe shows Melissa the finished recording studio he has installed in their basement. The excitement wears off in about 15 seconds when she realized that her microphone is not sufficiently blingy. Thankfully she doesn't throws a Super Sweet 16-style tantrum, but I wouldn't have put it past her circa 15 years ago. Joe laughs that he put a lot of time and money into the studio basically so he could keep Melissa locked in the basement at all times instead of out in the world. I'm paraphrasing... kind of. After Melissa giggles and squeals and prances about some more, Joe asks, "Where's my gift?" She answers, "Not today! It's Jesus's birthday!" See? That line is one-size-fits-all in Melissa's world.
Bonus footage: Rich is surprisingly inept at opening wine and champagne bottles.
Back at the Giudice's house, Gia falls ill. While Teresa attends to her and the other girls put on makeup, you can see the ghosts of the Jersey Shore in Juicy's eyes. The lingering question of, "How did I get here?" Once Gia feels well enough to sip on chamomile, Teresa gets back to the business of second-guessing her brother's brief visit last night. Juicy thinks Joe and Melissa should have had a drink at Kathy and Rich's before heading over to Teresa's to be with their parents. Not satisfied with that compromise (or, I would wager, any compromise ever), Teresa thinks Kathy should have fallen on the sword in service of the Gorga clan. Speaking of clans, is this the first time they've ever shown the tattoo on Juicy's left upper arm? It's sailor-style series of hearts and roses with his daughters' names written across the hearts. That thing is a honker! Either way, Teresa and Joe pawn it off to Kathy not being "intelligent" enough to sacrifice her (real) relationship with Melissa and Joe in favor of Teresa's (strained) one. Tired from all that trash-talking, Juicy heads back to bed.
In Hoboken, Albie and Christopher have plans that apparently involve a girl. Albie makes a point of asking Christopher not to embarrass him, including but not limited to leaving the Cajun voice at home. Christopher gets a little of his made-up dialect out of his system at that moment, prompting Albie to comment, "Sometimes I wonder exactly how far your head is up your ass." Later that night, Caroline, Lauren, and Jacqueline arrive in a limo to pick them up for the evening. The girl in question is Alexa Ray Joel, whom Albie met at a charity event some months back. Caroline and Jacqueline immediately get on the bandwagon for Albie and Alexa to fall in love, get married, and have babies. FYI: Alex is 25. Who else does that make feel old?
They all arrive at The Oak Room at The Plaza for the concert. Talk of how accomplished Alexa is makes Jacqueline ponder what a non-starter Bratshley has become. She says, "She needs to get her shit together now." Speaking of troubled kids, even Caroline jumps on Christopher to make sure he doesn't embarrass his brother. She reiterates that there will be no Cajun voice tonight. Once Christopher agrees to give Albie the night off from his usual mocking, Alexa stops by the group's table and sits down to him. Albie immediately clams up, save for occasionally making an awkward jokes that no one gets. Albert and Christopher seem to be a lot more successful with the witty banter. Even Caroline is chatting her up more than Albie. That said, Albie seems to think Caroline's approval is the kiss of death. Alexa goes up to sing. During an extended plug for her music career with random shots of Christie Brinkley thrown in, Caroline makes a toast to a happy 2011 and interviews that her family may be crazy, but they love each other.
week: New Year's Eve! That means New Year's resolutions and drunken public brawls!