Previously: Happy birthday, Jesus! We got you Kim G.
We return to the Gorgas' party just after Melissa and Joe escorted Monica Chacon out. The mood is festive, and Teresa is gratified. Alas, Kim G. is still swilling champagne in the background. Ironically, Melissa thinks Teresa and Kim G. don't get along because they're too similar, like "secret sisters." How do you say pot and kettle in Italian, again?
Either way, Teresa and Melissa are dancing and having fun together while Kim G. is in the background stirring the pot. The best part is that she says that Melissa wanted Monica "O-U-T." If you're going to pick a word to spell in some sort of weird attempt to be sneaky, maybe one with more than three letters is a better pick? I mean, the Gorga-Giuidice clans aren't the smartest (sprinkle) cookies in the world, but I'm pretty sure they know that one. On her end, Teresa is keeping it classy, knocking Kim for her duck lips. In the background, Caroline comments that Kim is trying to create drama between Teresa and Melissa, and you can tell she's getting fired up.
Melissa, Teresa, and Joe take a picture, prompting a comment from the wingnut gallery. Awesomely, Lauren's all, "Stop stirring the pot. You're pathetic." Caroline jumps in, and I'm not sure where the rage wells up (something about Christopher's friendship with Kim G.'s son?), but thing you know, it's raised voices and Christopher trying to escort Kim G. out of the party. Christopher, albeit very aggressively, takes Kim G. out as smoothly as possible, even giving an earful to her bodyguard -- why she needs a bodyguard, don't ask... also, he's geriatric. How effective is a 60+-year-old bodyguard (who's not Clint Eastwood or Sylvester Stallone)?
Teresa and Juicy Joe, who were leaving when this all went down, get a front-row seat to Christopher's al fresco heart-to-heart with Kim G. That is, until Albie angrily storms out and shuts that biz down. Of course, Bratshley has to get her moment in the sun as she walks back into the house muttering, "Just like Danielle... just like Danielle..." Oh, shut it, Bratshley. In any case, Caroline tells Kim G. that she obviously came to mess with everyone and that she should keep going on her grinch-y way. In the background, Teresa gloats that she and Juicy are going to go home and make love all night -- something Kim G. only wishes she could do. With Juicy? Don't know if I'd go that far... Teresa smugly interviews, "I don't know why Kim G. got kicked out, but I'm glad it has nothing to do with me. Ding dong, the witch is dead. Buh-bye, Kim G!" Melissa says she's not sure who gave the Manzos the right to kick someone out of her party, but she's okay with it since the Manzo boys were doing it to honor Caroline. She says, "Joey, Gino, take notes," in hopes that her boys will do the same.
Upstairs, everyone comforts Christopher, who is concerned that this scene with Kim G. is going to affect his relationship with her son John, Christopher's best friend. Chris Laurita essentially says Kim G. had it coming (that and a smack -- yikes!). Caroline tells him his friendship with Kim's son will be strong enough to survive the strife. Albert brings up the valid point that Kim G. came with security to a damn Christmas house party. Who does that? People who expect trouble. Albie notes that the last person he saw bring bodyguards to an event was Danielle. Caroline interviews that in all her dealings with Kim G. she has nothing good to say about her. Mind you, none of this comforts Christopher, who is still worried about his relationship with his friend. Regardless, Albert and the rest of the crew's general consensus is "Fuck 'em." Like clockwork, Kim's son calls, but it's a real non-event because Christopher squashes the problem swiftly.
As everyone makes for the door, Melissa feels like it was an absolute success. As the Manzos leave, Caroline jokes with Melissa that they almost made it through the whole night without incident. She chuckles as she admits she's never thrown somebody out of a house other than her own. Melissa seems to take it all in stride.
The day, Kathy's family prepares a spread for Kathy's holiday get-together. Rich asks if Teresa and Juicy are coming to their house, which opens the wound Kathy was working (not that) hard to keep closed. She says Teresa shut her down before she got the chance to ask, then explains that history has a way of repeating itself. Apparently Kathy's mom and Teresa's dad Giacinto are siblings, and Giacinto "wrote the book on holding grudges." Apparently Kathy's father sold Giacinto a shoe store, and then claimed Giacinto didn't finish paying him the last $100 for it. The fight fractured his relationship with Kathy's mom to the point that she still tears up about it while talking about it today. The takeaway is that people should forgive and forget when it comes to the one they love because you never know how much time you have together. On cue, Melissa calls five seconds later to say Teresa invited her to her house that day, and that she's trying to work things out, so she'll stop by Kathy's after she visits the Giudices.
That night, Caroline hosts her second radio show under the wing of Chief Engineer Christopher Knight. Alas, not Peter Brady. Tonight's topic is divorce. Jacqueline is listening from home, and it's a very pertinent topic for her, especially when Caroline and a caller talk about making sure that children of divorce know that, even though their parents may consider the marriage a mistake, kids will never be a mistake. up, Caroline talks to a listener whose friend is a Facebook oversharer. Alas, Jacqueline doesn't listen to this segment because Chris arrives home, though she could probably take some tips for dealing with Bratshley. Caroline moves onto divorced parents harboring guilt, which definitely hits close to home for Jacqueline. Chris calls in on the sly to ask how he can step in as a step-parent and make his relationship with his daughter-by-marriage more meaningful. Caroline chokes up as soon as she realizes who the caller is and heaps the praise on him for having pure intentions and commitment to his stepdaughter.
The day is Christmas Eve at the Giudice home. Teresa, Juicy, and their respective parents prepare The Feast of the Seven Fishes as Teresa informs us that "Christmas Eve is my holiday." You got that, Jesus? Today is not about you. It's Teresa's day. You get tomorrow, so suck it up. As Audriana toddles around in an explosion of tulle that looks straight out of My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding, the men of the family take a minute to tease Gia a little bit about a ring (the Princess Diana-Kate Middleton one, in fact) that a boy gave her for Christmas. Teresa states emphatically that her brother Joe is just like his dad when he was younger, and, though Melissa may have married into the Gorga name, she doesn't have the Gorga personality. Then everyone cheers to a merry Christmas.
Over at the Gorga homestead, Antonia is in a similar inundation of tulle, only this one is red and Santa-themed. Melissa asks her what Christmas is, and Antonia mentions having fun and playing in the snow before eventually to the presents. Yep, definitely not from Teresa's bloodline. Melissa makes sure to emphasize that Christmas is Jesus' birthday. Antonia wonders how old Jesus is, and Melissa's all, "Ummmm... 89? Yeah, 89." Melissa heads into her bedroom to get ready, and Joe's there. He expresses his misgivings about hanging out with the Giudice in-laws after ChristeningGate 2010. Melissa reminds him that they're in a delicate place in terms of their relationship with Teresa and insists they go, but compromises that they will only stay for a short while.
Manzo manse. Caroline runs around preparing the fixings for a huge family dinner. One dish, olive sauce over fresh pasta, is especially meaningful to her because her father made it up on the fly one Christmas Eve when all the stores were closed. The kids chip in with the cooking, and Christopher adorably snarks when his grandma walks in, "Oh my God, who invited you? Drop off whatever you cooked and go back!" Albie gives his grandma a big hug. The family runs down the list of who is coming, and they get to the topic of Bratshley. Usually she stays with her father, and it's a big stress for her having to divide her holidays up among two families. Jacqueline says she sometimes becomes overwhelmed by the fracture instead of realizing that she should be grateful to have two families that love her.
The Lauritas arrive, and Christopher asks Chris what he wants for Christmas. Chris says he wants peace. Bratshley wants... a car. Back to the topic of peace, Christopher quickly mentions that everything is fine with Kim G.'s son. Caroline takes it nonchalantly and interviews that she's not going to waste her time on a fool. With that, Christopher pours himself a glass of wine and wishes everyone a merry Christmas full of unity and harmony. They move on to the topic of Santa. While the women weave a lovely tale about Santa being inside all of us, Albie sardonically says he has a problem with Kris Kringle's slave labor operation. Christopher: "And another thing? Shave!" They deem Santa a classless bum who only works one month a year. Take that, Claus.
While the food finishes cooking, the Manzo boys share their New Year's resolutions. Albie wants to chill out. Christopher wants to think of others beside himself. They ask Bratshley if she has a resolution in mind. She obnoxiously says she wants Chris to like her. He clarifies that he loves her, just doesn't like how she acts all the time. Like being a wench who airs this kind of dirty laundry at a family holiday gathering -- and puts it all on him to boot. Chris tells her to be more responsible and respectful, and assures her that he believes in her. She just needs to work harder for things rather than expect things to be given to her. He tells her she needs to listen more closely to him and Jacqueline, and you can tell by her rolling eyes that this is a bridge too far. Soon enough, she falls back on the tears. In an interview, she acknowledges that she has screwed up a lot in the last several years but insists, "I'm really not a bitch."
Meanwhile, The Gorgas and the nanny head to their first party. Joe announces, "I'm gonna have a lot of drinks tonight, babe." Ah, comforting words from the driver. Joe is anxious that things will be strained between them and Juicy's parents. He returns to his anger they were that Juicy's side of the family spoiled the Christening, but Melissa wisely cuts him off at the pass and tells him to move on. As an olive branch, they have brought cookies. Not sprinkle cookies. They are to Teresa what wire hangers were to Joan Crawford. Jersey Dearest.
As they park, Teresa welcomes her guests. She pointedly mentions that she has made sure she is very close with her sister-in-law Maria, just as Juicy is close with his brother-in-law Duma. From this, she deduces that it must be all on Melissa to make their relationship work. Fuzzy logic. Not unlike Teresa's bird feather sleeves. The Gorgas arrive with a seriously huge haul of presents and the much-touted pignoli cookies. As Joe hugs his father, Teresa and Melissa immediately get into it over who looks like more of a hooch. I'll settle this quickly: You both lose. Joe comments that Juicy's sister is looking sexy, and Teresa explains that they all used to play house together when they were kids, and that Joe used to have a crush on Maria. Teresa and Joe sit down to their father and take a photo, but Joe's heart is heavy about the conflict they've been through in the last few months. He feels like he's letting his father down.
The mood soon lightens when Santa (a.k.a. Teresa's mom in costume) arrives to hand out presents. The kids become the center of attention, and Melissa thanks Jesus that nothing has gone wrong... yet. Milania shows she's got some gumption when she quickly points out that Santa is clearly her grandma in drag. Teresa quickly calls her mother, who has changed, back out, to complete the fleecing. Ahhhhh, Christmas. A time for tricking little children. And arranging them in rows to take endless pictures. The sights of his children, nieces, and nephews getting along brings a flutter of joy to Joe's heart. Which quickly turns to possessive mocking when he sees Gia's Kate Middleton ring from her classmate.
The jolly mood is interrupted when Juicy starts shooting off at the mouth, saying things like, "They're family, but they're animals. Who'd wanna be that friggin' raccoon eyes over there? She's a witch." Joe hears and keeps his cool but admits that he does keep these kinds of comments bottled inside. Hence the occasional table banging incident. With that, he takes his cue to tell Teresa he and his family are heading over to Kathy's. To be continued...
week: Teresa is hurt. As is Jacqueline, since Bratshley didn't get her a Christmas present. Caroline and Melissa fare better. But saddest of all is little Gia, who gets a Christmas throw up bug... or just realizes for the first time the horror of seeing her dad shirtless.