Previously: Lauren felt left out. Bratshley was the demon spawn of Jacqueline's womb and some guy who wasn't Chris. Kathy and Teresa had problems. And Melissa invited all of them to a party that is invariably going to end with fireworks -- not the good kind.
Teresa, Juicy Joe, and the family decorate the Christmas tree as Teresa asks Gabriella what Christmas means to her. As you might expect, it's not about Jesus or family togetherness. That bitch is about presents. This understandably concerns Teresa since she and Juicy have had to declare bankruptcy in recent months. She moves right on down the line, asking Milania what Christmas means to her, but she's too busy slapping Audriana for sucking on the glad ornaments. This does not concern Teresa so much. Gia asks if Joe and Melissa Gorga will be part of the holidays. Teresa says they will, then interviews about the "bad energy" between her and Melissa. "Alls I know," she says, "is that every time Melissa leaves, I get a headache."
Meanwhile, little Gino is dancing with the creeping shimmying Santa while Melissa talks about her bigger-better-more Christmas. She tells us that the Gorgas always have two trees -- the big amazing one, and the fake one that Joe likes because it doesn't shed. She carries on about the "huge, incredible" party they're throwing for Jesus' birthday. She wants everything to be perfect, which will be a hell of an uphill battle since Joe can barely get the Christmas tree on its stand. And I'm talking about the fake one.
Back at the Giudice abode, Teresa wonder when all the speculation and tabloid fodder will end for them. And I quote, "Now I know how Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie feel." Piling on to the delusion of that insane statement, Joe insists, "We're not in trouble." In case you didn't gather, this is a typical coping tactic. Teresa tells us that, when Joe had to go to jail for 10 days for drunk driving, he told the girls he was going on a fishing trip. Teresa says they don't want the girls to remember anything negative from their childhoods. Good luck with that! Joe tells Teresa to focus her energy on the people who were there for them during the hard times. Specifically, that does not include Kathy and Rich or the Gorgas. Teresa says she and Joe are finally in a good place and tries to keep Juicy from talking trash about her brother. Kathy is not mentioned further. Juicy tells her to focus on him and her kids.
Chez Gorga, Melissa is flustered that not enough people are helping her deck out the tree. He asks who's coming to their Christmas party, and the topic of Juicy comes up. They are understandably nervous about mixing her family and Juicy after the christening-cum-brawl. Making matters worse, Melissa's harpy of a sister is now claiming that Juicy's mom punched her in the face. Suffice it to say, ain't nobody happy in this motley crew. And everyone thinks (s)he is right. To wit, says Melissa, "Joe Giudice better come correct to my home." I'm pretty sure these people have never heard the phrase "benefit of the doubt."
The morning, Jacqueline gives Bratshley her birthday present. She tells her she wanted to give it to her first thing because she thought she could use it that night. Appropriately it's a necklace of protection from her psychic. Jacqueline explains that the holidays are hard for Bratshley because she never knows whether to spend them with Jacqueline and Chris or her father's family. Jacqueline tries to make Bratshley feel better by saying that her father was on his way to Jersey but got really sick. Bratshley says it almost makes her feel worse to know that he was coming and couldn't make it. Jacqueline, in turn, is frustrated because Bratshley puts her father on a pedestal and seems to respect him more than Jacqueline even though she's been there all along. Bratshley deems the situation a lose-lose because she's missing out on one part of her family either way. Jacqueline leaves the room, and Bratshley calls her dad for a strained conversation.
That evening, the Manzo kids and Greg arrive early to Bratshley's birthday dinner and talk shit about her. Meanwhile, Bratshley and her friend Nelly are still at home. Caroline arrives to the dinner. And Bratshley is still nowhere to be found. She and Nelly finally get in the car and start making their way to the restaurant. Bratshley tells Nelly that Chris made the down payment on the car for her birthday and is helping her out with the first couple of months. Nelly says, "Well, you must be doing something right if you got a car." Ohhhhh, Nelly. How naive you are. Bratshley interviews that Chris has done a lot for her, but it doesn't equal the relationship she has with her dad. The subtext is that Chris actually expects some responsibility and accountability from her. And that's no fun!
The Lauritas finally arrive, at which point Bratshley promptly gets on her phone and carries on a half-hearted conversation with her cousins before checking out entirely. Not even a flaming pyramid of onions can draw her attention. Jacqueline stands up and finally tells Bratshley to get off the damn phone. She makes a pointed toast and tries to remind Bratshley that everyone is there for her (so stop being a self-centered nitwit).
The morning, Melissa's requisite gay event planner "Fabulous Fred" arrives at the Gorga home to set up the last-minute details for the party. Oh dear, there will be both carolers and a casino. Also? "A winter wonderland of desserts." Joe says he's getting nervous the party is going to be expensive and gives Fab Faux Freddie a shot. Because drinking always reins in one's spending impulses? As Joe takes back a couple of shots, Melissa mentions that there is some sort of tenuous charity tie-in to her party. How the kids at St. Joseph's are benefiting from this event exactly is left to the imagination, but we do know that the Gorgas are spending $50,000. We don't want no roly poly servers up in here, no sir.
Elsewhere, Kathy and her kids are putting up their decorations, including a terrifying Mardi Gras mask instead of a star. Rich is outside stringing up the lights and hanging the wreaths. Back inside, Kathy assures us that she intends to be cordial to Teresa at Melissa's Christmas party. Rich comes back inside to check out the tree, and we learn that the topper is a cat with feathers. Which makes it even more horrifying, if you ask me.
Meanwhile, Caroline and Albert hit up a jewelry store so Caroline can show Albert the Christmas presents she prepared for her children. She feels especially moved this year seeing how much Lauren is missing her brothers. So she's assigned the jeweler to put together a bracelet that all three of them can wear to symbolize their commitment to each other as family. Did I mention the bracelets are $4,500 apiece? They settle on a leather clasp with three infinity symbols linked together in black diamonds (for the boys) and white diamonds (for Lauren). Even anti-jewelry Albert says he'd wear it.
That night, several assistants help Melissa primp for her party in the bathroom as Joe threatens to disrobe in front of the makeup and hair artists since they're in his space. Even Fabulous Fred is all, "I'm outta here!" when that comes down the pipeline. Melissa acknowledges she met the most sexual man she knows and tells Joe, "You would die without me." Joe argues that he would actually have a harem if she weren't around, at which point Melissa threatens to go all Lorena Bobbitt up in here. Cut (no pun intended) to a shot of the ice sculpture artists going to town on a block of ice with their chainsaws.
Meanwhile, Teresa has also enlisted a gay to help her get ready for the party. She notes with no small amount of bitterness that Evelyn (who is currently doing Melissa's hair) used to be her personal hairstylist -- until Melissa scooped Evelyn out from under her. She insists that she considers it a form of flattery, but the facade is thin. It's just before quarter to seven, and Teresa's already planning to be at least half an hour late to the eight o'clock party.
Kathy and Rich make their way to the party and talk about how Kathy will act around Teresa. Kathy insists she won't act any differently than she always done, and if Teresa has a problem, then it's her problem. Rich says he hopes that Teresa is also civil, adding, "I don't want to ruin this party, God forbid."
At the Gorga mansion, the carolers are singing, and the guests start making their arrivals as Melissa makes her way downstairs looking like Snowflake Barbie. Oh for Jeebus' sake, there's a step and repeat in front of the house. The Manzo brothers and Greg are appropriately irreverent at this absurd display of wealth and assumed celebrity. They head inside and laugh that it's like "the house in Clueless. Cut to a shot of Joe drinking the very same vodka-cranberry he had at the christening. I believe that's called foreshadowing. But first we have to take in the fully gratuitous spectrum of the nouveau riche excess. In addition to the carolers -- who are dressed in ye olden days costumes -- the casino has money with Joe and Melissa's faces on it. Also, says Melissa, "There's a bar in my liberry."
Kathy and Rich arrive, with Rich reminding Kathy, "Remember, it's Christmas." They roll up to see Melissa preening on the step and repeat. She calls Kathy over, who appears to be dressed in Lady Gaga's take on a suit of armor. Joe drunkenly gets a little too excited about it, calling Kathy a slut and catcalling her. Rich tells him, "Listen, motherfucker, that's your cousin, that's still my wife. I'll fuckin' throw you on top of that fuckin' ice sculpture." Please do! That thing is creepy to the max.
Meanwhile, it's 8:23, and Juicy is still sitting on the couch in his sweats. Teresa admits that things will probably be tense post-christening, though she claims that kind of melee has never happened in her family before. Uh huh. Disproving this notion yet further, Juicy tells Teresa that, if anyone says anything stupid to Teresa, he's going to give them a swift roundhouse to the head -- which he demonstrates on the punching bag in their garage. There is no way this night is going down without incident.
Bonus footage: We get a view into Melissa's underwear drawer when her thong shows through her white dress. One friend suggests that she skip the underwear entirely. Kathy looks on dubiously. Which is really all you need considering what she's wearing.
Caroline, Jacqueline, and the hubbies arrive. Lauren notes how fabulous Melissa's house is and snarks, "For some reason I feel like I was just at a housewarming party [Teresa's] just like this." Melissa takes a minute to traipse down the stairs as she introduces the representative from St. Joseph's hospital. He gives his speech, though I'm sure no one in the room actually hears it because all the important people are either stumbling around drunkenly (Melissa) or wondering where Teresa and Juicy are (everyone else).
Indeed, they're on their way -- at 9:52 p.m. Teresa sees the step and repeat and wonders if they have to take a picture. Well, Tre, given the absence of photographers -- since you're two hours late -- I'd say no. They saunter in and say their hellos as Kathy watches from the sidelines. Rich encourages her not to approach Teresa, but Kathy insists on it -- on the ground the she's "a good Christian." Because schmoozing is a virtue. Kathy makes her way over, where Teresa and Juicy give her the most awkward reception possible. Not one to leave well enough alone, Kathy insists on trying to smooth things over in the middle of a party, even though Teresa is clearly not receptive. She makes an under-her-breath comment of "Now it's nice to see me?" They both walk off angrily thinking the other person has displayed "typical" behavior.
Kathy goes to her awesomely butch sister Rosie to talk trash about Teresa. Rosie is pretty chill about it, but Kathy just gets even more riled up. She takes Rich aside to cry on his shoulder and express how frustrated she is that Teresa has made her look like an asshole. Instead of holding her back, Rich tells his "good Christian" wife to tear Teresa a new asshole. He adds, "Fuck Teresa. Fuck Joe. And if you want I'll burn this whole fuckin' place down." Whoa there, tiger! What happened to easygoing Rich? Somebody took his grumpy pills before coming tonight.
Back outside, Juicy wonders what's wrong with Kathy, and Teresa urges him to stay out of it. If only she had had the chance to say that to Melissa. Alas, Kathy has already cornered her to talk yet more trash about behavior. She insists that her heart is pure and that Teresa "better wrap a sweater around that heart of [hers] -- that icy heart -- because [she's] gonna catch a nasty cold." To Melissa's credit, she holds true to her unsteady peace with Teresa and comforts Kathy without bashing Teresa. She insists the two of them will work it out and encourages Kathy not to waste her tears on Christmas.
Just when you think things have subsided, another Joey (Melissa's brother-in-law) abandons all tact and calls out Juicy for owing him a thousand dollars. Juicy decides to take the higher road, telling Joey to call him and starts making his way toward the door. On the way, they see Melissa and tell her what just went down. Melissa urges him to stay and heads over to confront her brother-in-law and tells him to tone it down. Teresa brags on Juicy for not decking the drunk skunk. Joey continues to claim he didn't say anything wrong, but you can tell even his family members are embarrassed.
Speaking of embarrassments, it's Kim G! The only person who's later than Teresa. And she has brought with her Juicy and Teresa's nemesis Monica Chacon, a.k.a. the wife of the lawyer of the guy who sued Juicy. Yes, it's complicated. Before they even get in the door, Kim G. and Monica are cackling and making jibes about Teresa and Juicy. Then they get in the door, grab drinks as quickly as possible and toast to "people learning how to control themselves." So this is going to turn out well...
Juicy gets wind of the women's arrival and warns Teresa not to say a word to them. Of course Kathy makes a beeline for Kim G. and gives her a warm hug. Across the room, even Melissa wants Monica to leave because she doesn't know her. She tells Caroline she's going to ask Monica to leave, and Caroline advises her to do it away from everybody. Melissa heads over and is reminded that she met Monica at the Posche fashion show. Teresa skulks in the background, waiting for the Gorgas to kick Monica out as Melissa dispenses of the pleasantries.
She takes Kim G. aside to tell her that Teresa is uncomfortable and wonders if Monica might be, too. Kim G. is proudly combative, being all, "Monica's not afraid of her!" Seeing that Kim G. is not exactly grasping the nuance of the conversation, Melissa tells her that she can't let Monica stay. Kim's response? "Oh, I can't do that." Wow. Back in the other room, Teresa is practically foaming at the mouth. Caroline tries to point out that Melissa and Joe have her back and are trying to do the right thing, but Teresa's all, "They will have done the right thing when I don't see [Monica] anymore." Meanwhile, Kim G. is insisting that Monica is "a classy woman" and won't run afoul of the holiday spirit. Which is neither here nor there since the hosts have explicitly said they want her gone. Joe holds firms, but Kim G. still insists that the fault lies with Teresa.
Joe won't hear it, at which point Jacqueline intervenes. Kim G. continues to insist Teresa is the problem. Then Monica comes on the scene. For the love! She claims that "it's been three-and-a-half years of complete nightmare and torture on [her] part." Which, again, has nothing to do with the fact that someone wants you to leave their house. You're not going to argue your way out of that one, sister. Melissa has to be the voice of reason, which is quite a feat when you look like Swan Lake, the disco ball rendition. She tells Monica she's got to go. Even Monica says she understands, and Kim's all "Can we just stay in another part of the house?" Seriously?! Melissa is horrified that she has to ask them repeatedly to leave. She says, "I will be devastated if anyone ruins this party." Kim keeps talking up a storm, so Joe's finally like, "It's my house," and Melissa escorts them out the door. All the while, Teresa has a supremely smug look on her face. Jacqueline -- I would argue -- unwisely tells Kim G. she needs to patch things up with Teresa. And because you can't argue with crazy, Kim G. insists that Teresa owes her an apology. Jacqueline interviews ominously that Kim G. is messing with a family -- one that has plenty of problems without her batshit meddling.
week: The party continues. And by "party" I mean Kim G.'s egregious inappropriateness. To the point that both Caroline and her sons have to shut that shit down.