Previously on Masterpiece Classics Presents The Real Housewives of New Jersey: Albie and Chris got an apartment, causing Caroline to reach 60% of a nervous breakdown. Teresa was working hard for the money, basically because she has no choice. Ashley was a total rag, per usual, and Jacqueline got all upset about it, again per usual. Teresa's unfrozen caveman brother pounded the table at his own son's christening, and then there were words and fists. Tensions escalated between the Giudices and the Gorgas, and things came to a head -- again -- at the Posche fashion show, as these things tend to do. This is not in the episode recap, but if you'll recall we also saw the most heinous of all, Kim G., whose only redeeming moment in her history on this show was telling another woman in a very public fashion that she had a square tit. Cousin Kathy stepped in it when she intimated that Teresa abandoned her baby at the christening in favor of fisticuffs, and then Teresa got all finger-wavey and Caroline had to set everyone straight. She's basically like the bouncer at the Brownstone at this point. At least it gives her something to do at the time when she would otherwise be wiping the bibs of her 25-year-old sons.
We begin at Kathy's house, where she and her husband Rich, resplendent in a pink gingham shirt, enjoy a meal. They have those horrible dishes with bright painted designs that you find on that one really sketchy rack at TJ Maxx, by the wine goblets that say "Princess." I am so distracted by those dishes that I don't know if I can properly recap this scene. Oh God, and then Rich slurps his soup like I can't even tell you. Every three words that Kathy says it's like, "SLURRRRRRRRP." I think there's plastic fruit on this table too. Their dining area is like my purgatory. Kathy explains to Rich that she was trying to have an adult conversation with Teresa at the Posche fashion show, which really was her first mistake. I think the most effective way to communicate anything to Teresa is just to make a series of grunts and then, like, throw a tomato or something. Kathy doesn't think that she did anything wrong, and Rich tells her not to keep beating herself up over it. Kathy says that she wants to have a sit-down with Caroline. This is her second mistake. She explains in an interview that you only get one chance to make a first impression, and Teresa ruined that. Kathy has the stunning eyes of a pug. Seriously, they are glassy, defined globes when she is in profile. Rich tells her that if they take Teresa out of the equation, especially given that Caroline already knows that Teresa is an idiot, she might stand a chance at befriending the Manzo matriarch. We all know that this is a terrible idea, but Kathy doesn't seem to have all that much else going on, so I guess there's not too much harm in it.
Teresa heads to Divine Studio in New York, where food stylist Jamie Kimm is whipping up some items from her forthcoming cookbook. Jennifer Kasius, the executive editor of Running Press, is there, along with creative director Frances Soo Ping Chow. She just introduces herself as "Frances," with no last name, because she's an intuitive person like that. Ben Fink and his baby handlebar moustache are photographing the food. Teresa looks at what they've done so far, noting that when she makes drumsticks they're "more browner" and that the Juicy Joe's meatballs need more sauce. Despite not saying a word, the food stylist is perhaps my favorite person ever to appear on this show. Teresa explains that her first cookbook, Skinny Italian, was a nine-week best seller, and so she's hoping to repeat the magic with her new cookbook, Fabulicious. She explains how the word "fabulicious" came into being, which I'm sure you already know, because if you're watching the third season of this show you're already fluent in Moron.
Teresa asks Jennifer what she thinks of the recipes, and Jennifer says that they're great in part because there are no fancy ingredients. Teresa jumps on this, stating that simplicity is the hallmark of the Gorga clan. When she first got married, she says, she would buy cookbooks and there would be a million -- wait for it -- ingredientses. Yes, AutoCorrect, ingredientses is indeed what I mean to say. The reaction shot from Jennifer and Frances here is priceless. Teresa continues that these cookbooks had so many ingredientses that Italians never use. You know, like cumin, which she pronounces as "comin'." The food stylist does actually say a word, and it is cumin, correctly pronounced. Teresa doesn't care, though, because she is nothing if not a language innovator. The photographer somehow seems to speak fluent Teresa, or maybe just manages to seduce her with a twirl of his mini-mustachio.
Just then, Juicy Joe calls Teresa to let her know that he saw her brother, Caveman Joe, as he was leaving the gym. These people belong to the same gym? They must sell steroids out of the gumball machines there. Teresa tries to get Juicy to say that he loves Caveman Joe, because he's Teresa's brother, but Juicy will not do it. In fact, he says that he should "f" Joe Gorga up. I wish those two would just buttfuck already and get it over with. The photographer laughs nervously, and then steers Teresa back to work.
We now turn to Melissa, who is cooking while her son stabs his sister in the face with a fork. It's a metaphor! Caveman Joe returns home, and hugs his daughter Antonia, ignoring the fork tine holes in her face. Joe also gives Melissa the cold shoulder, apparently because she denied him the sexytime. She explains that she was exhausted from the fashion show, but Caveman Joe is not hearing it. She says she was tired, and he says that she should wake up for him. I actually think that heavy sedatives would be the only way to get through that. Melissa says that it's only been three days, and Joe says been five. He adds that he's got so much stress and now has all this "poison" in his body. He then says that stress will kill a man, and he'll be dead by the time he's 38. That's really Melissa's best case scenario, right? Antonia thinks that her dad wants to watch more TV, and then Melissa wonders if Caveman Joe is on his period. I think he should be sent to the red tent, just in case. Once Joe stops complaining about his sex needs for a minute, Melissa explains the drama at the fashion show, and does a pretty serviceable Teresa impression in the process. Melissa obviously takes Kathy's side in the matter, and says that she was just trying to fix things and make peace. Joe says that there's nothing to fix, and then it's blah blah blah family blah for some minutes. Melissa seems to be on the side of at least giving reconciliation a chance, and Caveman Joe is typically monosyllabic in response.
And then it's time for Jacqueline to get a psychic reading! Boy, the Real Housewives franchise is keeping psychics in business, with a little help from Mob Wives. Jacqueline's psychic is Tia Belle, who is no Allison Dubois. She has some kind of fucked up jester cat mask on her wall to add an air of authenticity. Jacqueline tells us that at first she was skeptical of Tia, but she turned out to be right a lot, so now Jacqueline is a believer. Maybe Ramona can go to Tia for a second opinion about whether Mario has a lady on the side. Anyway, Tia tells Jacqueline a bunch of stuff she already knows. Ashley is a rag. Teresa has some family problems. Jacqueline should be calm and nice to Teresa, because she otherwise has daggers all around. Tia has a TJ Maxx teapot and cup set in her china closet, too, which makes me discount everything that she says.
After a commercial break, Caroline, Jacqueline and their various family members help Albie and Christopher move into their new place. Well, most people help while Caroline supervises. Jacqueline and Chris give the boys a couch and a stripper pole. This is the moment at which, if Danielle Staub were still a cast member on this show, something disturbing and inappropriate would happen. Speaking of disturbing, if you've ever wondered what Caroline looks like in a pink feather boa, your moment has arrived. There's a knock on the door, and it's Albie's friend Greg, who is a college buddy. He has a tiny dog named Deloris, who wears a pink hoodie. Greg drops the info that he and Deloris will be living in the apartment as well, which is news to Caroline. Caroline is a staunch advocate of giving love to Deloris, but Albie is not a natural with the dogs. He is still maybe kind of my boyfriend though. I can't help it, he's straight-up cute. Deloris is impervious to Albie's charms, however. Pizza is delivered, champagne is poured in Dixie cups, and Caroline talks about how sad she's going to be without the boys at home. Lauren points out that she, too, is an entity. Caroline is not sure if she agrees. Lauren notes that she and Vito are maybe talking a little about moving in together at some point, and Albie says that Vito used to eat potato chips off of his bare stomach. Saves washing a dish, right? That's totally not a deterrent. Albie still has issues with the Vito/Lauren thing, though, clearly. Caroline tells her children that they may fight and argue, but they'll always be there for each other. And if they're not, she will kill them. If only Mama Gorga had such conviction! Caroline would never be brainwashed by the likes of Juicy Joe.
Meanwhile, Jacqueline's mom and dad have come to visit, and her mom is totally making cookies from a package. Jacqueline asks her dad for a little advice about Ashley, saying that she's an entitled nit with no work ethic and a major attitude problem. Basically, if Ashley made the slightest bit of an effort, Jacqueline would want to help her more. Jacqueline's dad asks if Ashley's ever heard her story. Jacqueline shares with us that she and Ashley's dad met when they were seventeen or eighteen. We get pictorial evidence, and boy is Jacqueline unrecognizable. Her face is like a third of the length that it is now. The couple got married and had Ashley by twenty, and divorced when Ashley was just over a year and a half old. Ashley's dad left, Jacqueline dumped all of his stuff in the courtyard, and then she moved back in with her parents. Jacqueline says that it was difficult, but she was working at the time and, one assumes, managed to get to her job on time. Ashley doesn't do that, which is frustrating.
Jacqueline's dad points out that Ashley doesn't have the same background. She came from a broken home, with an absentee dad, and then was uprooted across the country into the Manzos of all families. Her dad is also remarried with a family, and she has four brothers in Texas. Jacqueline cries as she tells us that Ashley is struggling with coming from a broken family, and it hurts because it's kind of her fault. I don't know. I know plenty of people with divorced parents who aren't quite as jerky all the time. Ashley talks to her half brother, whose name is, improbably, Anden Holmes. She tells us that she feels like she doesn't fully belong with her family in Texas, because she's only there a few times a year. She cries a little as she says that she has one little brother who's really good at football, and she misses all of his games. Sounds like a plus to me. Back in the living room, Jacqueline's dad tells her to support Ashley as much as she can, noting that she'll have to have the patience of Job. He assures her that it will be worth it one day. Jacqueline's dad is a glass half full kind of guy.
After a break, Kathy goes to visit Caroline. She's carrying a giant bouquet of flowers and a picnic basket. The hell? Caroline is wearing a bedazzled black sheer blouse, which doesn't bode well. She brings Kathy a glass of wine, and then stares at her in what can only be described as an unimpressed manner. Kathy tells Caroline that it was not her intention to cause a ruckus in the Brownstone, and that she doesn't want to drag her into something that doesn't concern her. Kathy explains that she was coming from a place of love with an interest in reconciliation. Caroline clearly does not give two shits. Furthermore, she felt bad for Teresa, because Teresa is like her mentally challenged puppy. Also, Kathy intimated that she abandoned her kids, which was a low blow. Even though Caroline and Teresa aren't BFFs, they're Fs enough that Caroline doesn't appreciate someone coming into her house and bashing her. She tells Kathy that she doesn't want to know about the Gorga drama, or even to hear about it. She doesn't even know Kathy, and doesn't want their family issues to cloud her judgment of her or Melissa. Kathy and her pug eyes tells us that she's a grown woman, and doesn't need to win anyone's approval. What's she doing there, then? Caroline's final word on the situation is that Caveman Joe and Teresa need to accept the fact that they were rotten to each other. They have to fix this themselves, and then everything else will fall into place. Then they can scream at each other over family dinners instead of at carefully choreographed and filmed events, just as the Lord intended.
Meanwhile, Melissa gives her kids a bath, minus the baby who is wearing a powder blue velour track suit that matches Caveman Joe's. Of course. It's the butchest thing you've ever seen. Melissa is still on Team Reconciliation, and notes how sad it is that Caveman Joe and Juicy Joe, who had been friends since they were boys, can't muster more than a passing hello at the gym. It is also sad that Teresa lives five minutes away, and their horrifyingly dressed children aren't having play dates three times a week. It will be devastating to Melissa if they don't work this out, or so she claims. As she is bathing his children, Caveman Joe tells Melissa that she's the hottest mom around, and is in fact a MILF. We learn that little Antonia is scared of monsters, and so sometimes likes to sleep in her parents' bedroom. Caveman Joe calls her a cockblocker. Father of the year! Melissa kind of likes Antonia's cockblocking ways, because while initially thrilling in a very primal way, sex with a caveman does have its drawbacks. Joe, however, tells her to put the kids to bed because he's ready to rock n' roll. Tonight's the night, he says. Melissa ignores him, since she is bathing her children, and so Joe gives her the old, "Hello? I'm talkin' to you." Aren't you horny now? I know I am.
And you know, I often think about how the kids of these housewives are, in large part, going to need so much therapy. But it is me who needs therapy after listening to Caveman Joe say the following: "The Gorga family... we're known for our sex drive. Our father was a very sexual man. I guess I take after him. What are you gonna do?" Just when you thought it couldn't get more grotesque than Danielle Staub's square tit.
Meanwhile, Kathy has kids and makes pork chops. Her son, Joseph, is 14, and her daughter Victoria is 16. Kathy micromanages her kitchen, and tells us that she doesn't want Caroline to think she's a troublemaker. Because she's so ambivalent about Caroline's opinions! Rich is sensitive to Kathy's disappointment about not being Caroline's friend, and so has apparently purchased her a new Mercedes SUV. Rich is disgusted when Teresa treats his wife rude, because she is his princess. Kathy explains to us that she is well taken care of, and not spoiled like fruit.
Teresa also has a Mercedes SUV, and heads to meet up with Caroline, Jacqueline and Kim D. at a boutique called COC+CO. Rolls off the tongue, right? Kim D.'s gift to these ladies for walking in her show is to let them go shopping at this store. Caroline's hair is slicked back, perhaps because she's feeling particularly agro. Teresa explains to Cynthia, the store's proprietor, that she used to be in the fashion industry. She worked for Macy's. Kim D. adds that Teresa's job is now to be a mom, and Teresa adds that she's an author. Kim D. throws in a derisive, "Writing her lil' recipes." Cynthia asks what Teresa is making for Thanksgiving. The answer is lasagna, and also turkey. Teresa invites Cynthia over, because she's having a "Friendsgiving" since everyone in her family hates her.
Caroline figures that this is a good time to drop the news that Kathy came for a visit the other day. Maybe Caroline has her hair slicked back because she's fresh from her daily shave? Caroline tries to explain what happened with Kathy, but Teresa won't shut up and Caroline calls her on it. She instructs her to listen for a minute. I'm sure you can guess how that goes. Caroline says that everybody's talking in the Gorga family and nobody's listening. In response, Teresa talks. She goes into that thing again about how it's so hard to track Caveman Joe down because he's in construction. I mean, he does have a house and seems to be home every night to bone his wife. It can't be that hard to find him. Teresa is also busy and working. Caroline suggests that, if Teresa is so busy, that she should write Caveman Joe a letter. Jacqueline adds that Teresa should write one vitriolic draft, then rip it up and write something nicer. Teresa tries to explain that she's always nice. Alls she wants to say in the letter is that she loves Caveman Joe and wants them to be a family again, and what are you doing, wake up, you're hurting our children and parents. Caroline points out that the latter part might be construed as an attack. She adds that there's obviously an issue with communication. Teresa pipes in with a, "Not on my end." I mean, if anything the woman is clearly a master communicator. Jacqueline offers to help Teresa with the letter, which is the worst choice she's made after everything concerning Ashley.
And then, in case you thought you've heard Caveman Joe reach the apex of grossness, I give you this: "Now that I've had three babies, it's been a little rough. It hasn't been every night, but I've adjusted. You know when you get a big, white zit, and you just finally pop it and it shoots across the room? That's all that testosterone. I mean it's building up. It's all that poison -- that's poison in your body!" Everything he says is like poison in my mind, since I shall now forever associate male orgasms with popping a giant whitehead. Awesome.
After a break, Teresa heads to Jacqueline for help with the letter. She brought a bag full of stationary. Jacqueline plies her with wine. Teresa tells us that she and her brother could both hold grudges and never speak again. However, she's his older sister and obviously has more brains than him -- which, sadly, is probably a true statement -- and so she's going to reach out to him and hope that he reaches back. Teresa reads her draft so far to Jacqueline. It's basically a series of cave drawings, which seems like the right way to go. Jacqueline notes that every word in the thing is spelled wrong, and also that Teresa made no mention of Melissa in the whole thing. Teresa thinks that Melissa is the problem in the first place, and Jacqueline points out that Caveman Joe probably wants Teresa to take responsibility for some of this. Teresa says that Joe and Melissa are both stupid. But just as God forgives people, Teresa forgives people. She truly is the most Christlike figure on television today. If there were more people out there like Teresa, says Teresa, the world would be a better place, with friends greeting one another with an enthusiastic, "Is bitch better, prostitution whore?" It has all the right ingredientses for a Utopian scenario. Teresa is at Jacqueline's house for like a year. Her son is two by the time Teresa is done with the letter. Jacqueline tries to impart some emotional intelligence upon Teresa, to no avail. Finally, Jacqueline just keeps her opinions to herself in an effort to get Teresa the hell out of her house. Teresa does add that she's sorry if she hurt Caveman Joe and his family, which seems like a promising concession even if the "if" makes it technically a non-apology.
Jacqueline accompanies Teresa to her brother's house to drop off the letter, and tries to talk some sense into her about not being an aggressive psycho freak. Which, you know. You can't fit a square tit into a round hole. Once they get to the house Teresa rings the bell, because she wants to ruin Jacqueline's day further by making her sit in the car for 100 hours. Happily for Jacqueline, Melissa and Joe aren't there and so Teresa leaves the letter in the door.
Joe and Melissa return from a totally natural and organic jog in which they talk about their Thanksgiving guest list. Teresa is not on it, for, among other reasons, the fact that she still hasn't sent a card for the baby's Christening. They see the note on the door, and Joe insists that Melissa read the letter to him. Because he is functionally illiterate. I mean right? Joe tells us that he's pissed, because he and his sister should not be writing letters to each other. It's bullshit, he says. Like peas in the pod, those two. Melissa reads the letter: "I decided to write you this letter because sometimes when we speak neither one of us really listens. I hope that by writing you this letter you will see it as a positive step in bringing our family back together. I'm sorry if I've hurt you and your family in any way. I love and miss all of you. Please call so we can meet face to face and work this out together. Love your only sister, Teresa." Melissa points out that Teresa said the words "I'm sorry," but Caveman Joe seems unimpressed. He says that Teresa hurt all of them, and it's hard to let it go. Melissa thinks that he should hear Teresa out. He's her sister, after all. She asks if he's willing to never speak to his sister again. Joe says that if she is who she is now, he's fine with the not speaking. If she becomes the Teresa Gorga he knew, he will accept and listen to her and take her back with open arms. Melissa points out that he'll never know if he doesn't meet her face to face. So, we have that summit of the minds to look forwards to, I guess. It has all the right ingredientses to be quite a dramatic scene!
week: Turkey selection! Will there be a Thanksgiving miracle?
Potes can't wait for the RHONY/Mob Wives crossover episode. You can tweet her @traciepotes or email at potesypotes@gmail.com.
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