PREVIOUSLY
At an elegantly understated celebration of the sacrament of baptism, GORGA the Queen of the Orcs got confused about the difference between a brother and an ex-boyfriend, and pulled her usual passive-aggressive shit. What resulted was a monster war unseen since the days of Middle Earth, as thousands of drunk gavones came running at each other screaming about "alla yous" and the like. It was a beautiful moment.
OTHERWISE
Melissa's nasal, gross "Teresa Voice" was exactly the same as her gross, fake-ass "Melissa Voice," which didn't make it any less correct. The fact that Teresa's maiden name is "Gorga" will never ever stop being funny.
Everybody: "Listen! Yous, listen! Listen! Listen to me, yous!"
Everybody: Did not.
Melissa's brother tried to yell his dad to death, but it didn't work.
There was a woman named Kathy, or possibly more than one of her, but I'm not sure what the deal was there except that she had the Gorga flounder-face, and she evacuated all the poor children of these animals to a safe location while they were drunkenly lurching around and babbling at each other and stabbing each other and pulling out each other's weaves and flipping over tables and doing normal dinner-party stuff like that. Oh, and everything she says she says like Oprah, with these pregnant wisdom pauses, even though she's invariably saying totally normal, non-epiphany, self-evident facts.
Kathy, for e.g.: "What you put in your mouth is... Food."
ibid., for e.g.: "As a parent, you worry about... Safety."
ibid., for e.g.: "War has... Lots of casualties."
Caroline kept spontaneously lactating as her sons fled, ignoring her child Lauren's cries for attention; Jacqueline very nearly realized that her daughter is the absolute fucking Worst until she had to fight Lizzie Grubman for her.
Lesson Learned: Feeling trashy in front of Lizzie Grubman is like feeling trashy in front of a regular human being, but times one million infinities.
Melissa showed everybody that Danielle was the Devil We Knew, and kinda missed her nutsack ass. Also very much missed: That crazy old witch that used to umbrella-parachute into Jacqueline's living room at random times and feed Jacquie's kids the fingers of homeless people when she wasn't looking.
NOW
Storm clouds! Is it Halloween, or are we just finally admitting how scary they are? Both. Jacquie's hanging out with Teresa and Caroline, having a Halloween party with their bajillion children.
Gia, scraping and chopping the face of a pumpkin: "This is what happens to snitches."
Random lady: "So Teresa, tell us about the Shit that happened last episode."
Teresa, and I'll say it, the girl looks beautiful: "[One-sided loony self-exculpating account of the Shit.]"
Caroline: "Am I going to have to involve myself? ...Wait, of course I am. Yes."
Teresa: "Juicy, can you change our daughter while I continue talking about myself?"
Juicy: "That is for women. Well, okay. I'll go inside and tell the men about this meaningless drama too."
(He refers to Brother Joey as a "little fidget," I think, which is awesome.)
Teresa: "It was like a terrible dream."
Caroline: "Were your kids involved in this bullshit?"
Teresa: "The only possible answer to that question that's even worse than the truth is, 'I'm not sure.' Therefore, I'm not sure."
Other people: Offer advice and valid suggestions.
Caroline: "EVERYBODY STOP TALKING. I DIDN'T SAY YOU COULD TALK."
They: Shut up.
Caroline: "We're having a Posche 'fashion' show at the Brownstone. Isn't that a coincidence? The Gorgas will be there, so probably there will be fighting."
Teresa, to us: "I don't need Caroline's advice. I don't have to do what she says."
Teresa, to Caroline: "Thank you for your advice. I will do exactly what you say, but with a bullshitty mean spin that renders it useless."
EVERY DAY IS HALLOWEEN WITH THE GORGAS
Everybody: "How did all of this shit randomly go down? Were you total bitches to Teresa because you were drunk? Her very favorite thing?"
Melissa: "Kind of, but mostly I love my kids. So that's why I was acting awful."
Everybody: "Awww. You're not to blame because you have kids."
Both Melissa and Joe, by the way, are wearing wool caps and look like Color Me Badd groupies.
Melissa: "She congratulated us on our son!"
Joey: "I just fucking lost it at that point."
Melissa: "She just wouldn't stop congratulating us and being polite! It was torture!"
Actually, they have my sympathies on that one. Teresa's fake nice-nice/"Why are you being so weird" maneuver is just about the grossest thing -- from a wealth of possibilities -- about her. Not least because of the implication that everybody is at least as stupid as she is, which implication is just straight-up offensive.
Kathy: "He threatened her physically. She should have known better. What's classy in the case that a musclehead relative physically threatens you is to get out of the way. She was essentially asking to be harmed. Which is so typical of a bitch."
Joey: "Well, besides the total drunkness of me, it's also because my Dad is an old man who finds Juicy more likeable than me. Juicy abuses me all the time. Like when I smash my fists on the table like this, he is abusing me."
Everybody: "Ha! It's so cute how you're acting insane right here just talking about it! Your constant violence is one reminder that you are Teresa's brother. Thug blood is thicker and stupider than water for sure."
They agree that this is all Juicy's fault. And possibly that Teresa also is to blame because she is obsessed with Joey. Which admittedly, it's freaky, and Teresa is a monster, but that doesn't mean they're automatically okay. They are absolutely not okay. Just because Kyle Richards is a horror doesn't mean that Kim's not also awful.
Melissa, on a producer's prodding: "What about the Posche 'fashion' show? That we all have to attend in this episode?"
Kathy: "I'm frankly hoping you'll all kill each other and then this show will just be my boring vacant ass and a bunch of identical steroid cases, laundering money together."
EVERY COMMERCIAL BREAK DURING THIS SHOW
The Bra That Smushes Your Back Fat & Rearranges It So You Can Wear Tacky Clothes.
SHOPPING WITH MELISSA & KIM D
The monstrous blonde demon-eyed Posche person that looks like Buffalo Bill skinned Danielle and put her face over his face helps her try on a variety of trashy outfits. It goes on forever and ever. I forgot how Kim D is because I missed Kim G so much. Also because of nightmares.
Kathy & Kim D: "We're counting on you to matter this season, so let's be friends. Please walk in the 'fashion' show."
Melissa: "[Gross fake modesty.]"
YES!
Kim G shows up! Just a-drooling and picking at their garments and eating crumbs off the floor and begging to be let into the gang some more, gossiping about the riot at the Christening, the whole thing. She keeps nodding off and offering prophecies in a voice which is clearly not her own. God, I fucking love Kim G. She's like the Allison DuBois of life! Posche is a small place, but they all fold back into corners and racks so as to give her a wide berth. She spits sometimes. She'll getcha, right in the eye.
Kathy: "I can't believe how fast Kim G was on that shit."
Kim G: "I have a crystal ball in the hole where I live. Where are your children."
CAROLINE ADVISES RANDOM PEOPLE ABOUT THEIR LIVES
Stranger: "Who are you?"
Caroline: "Stop talking. I didn't say you could talk. Now, do what I say."
Stranger: "Can I just put your makeup on, ma'am?"
Caroline: "Promise me that you will do everything that I say!"
Stranger: "Do I have to shave your face, Mom?"
Surprise #1: The strange makeup counter woman is Caroline's invisible daughter Lauren. She gets me every time.
Surprise #2: The reason "Posche 'fashion' show" is so déjà vu is because that's where Ashley yanked out Danielle's hair last year, and there was a stampede, and then Jacqueline stood in front of Danielle's car for an hour being scary. That was the first episode I ever saw. I broke down and said, "Why not?" and that's the episode I caught.
Lauren: "I'm hoping that the boys moving out will mean I have a relationship with my mother for the first time in my entire life."
Caroline: "You know, I can't wait until you move out."
Lauren: "So, kind of dumb to be having this nightmare Posche 'fashion' show at the Brownstone, huh? Sort of an easily avoidable trainwreck there, one might say?"
Caroline: "Circumstances being what they are, I coincidentally cannot skip the Posche 'fashion' show this year like I did last year, when I missed out on everything awesome. Coincidentally, we are holding it at the Brownstone. Coincidentally, everybody I know will be there. Coincidentally, my daughter is doing makeup. Whoever the hell that is."
Poor Lauren: "Yeah, I'm thinking this will go off without a hitch."
MELISSA PRETENDS TO TAKE HER KIDS TRICK OR TREATING
Joey: "[Babbling, resentful, possibly drunk.]"
Teresa: "[One unceasing, droning, dumb noise.]"
She is dressed like Wonder Woman, because it's so terribly hard to be her. All that self-control and fiscal responsibility can really get you down.
Melissa: "That sure was boring, parenting for five seconds. I'd better dress like a hooker and go get drunk."
Joey: "Yeah. I'm going to go put on a gold lamé dress."
Melissa: "Yeah, because... What?"
Joey: "I feel pretty. Just kidding, I like dressing up as a woman because they're not really human, so it's funny. Like blackface, but with tits."
Melissa: "I am dressed like Catwoman, I look amazing. And you are dressed like this cavewoman, in a wig, with these hairy pits... Oh my God you look exactly like Teresa."
Dude, he does. Yank the front of your wig down to your eyebrows and you'll be the spitting.
Melissa: "On the one hand, he has a pretty sick body, in the gay-muscle-bear-fireplug way of men in our town. [True]. On the other hand, he's wearing a dress, and that is no good. [Also, tremendously, true]."
Gia: "I'd better get used to wearing a wig for when I start pulling my hair out and eating it."
Teresa: Has so many children. Whichever one I'm looking at, I assume that one's Gia.
Adrianna: Is dressed as Sue Sylvester. It's pretty cute.
Teresa: "Like I care about any of this shit. I wish my brother was here. I wish we were married. I wish we were all back home, when we were little cavepeople, being raised in an environment of violence that would amaze you and has left permanent scars on all of us. I wish my husband didn't work in a money-laundering front and we were still rich. All I think about is Melissa, at all times."
Melissa: "I really don't treat myself very well."
YOUR HUSBAND HATES WOMEN, FOR STARTERS
Catwoman and Joe-resa enter their living room. It's weird to think about two people with bodies like that having the terrible sex they have. What a waste.
Kathy, explaining basic shit to you: "It was like... A trainwreck... That you have to look away from... But you can't."
Kim D brings a bunch of random blondes to their door, and everybody screeches at each other like this is a Saturday Night Live sketch.
Kim D, on her costume, whatever the hell this means: "I'm half a hooker! Kind of!"
Kim G, on her costume: "Is it Halloween? I was just dressed like Grizzabella today for no reason."
Melissa: "So now I got two crazy bitches in my house."
Okay, that was a pretty good one. Melissa's pretty funny a lot of the time. Anyway, the Kims are turned on by Joey's Teresa costume, of course. Whatever's the most bizarre thing, that's what they're into.
CLUB GUIDO
Melissa: "This club we're going to is so funny. They're all so stereotypically 'Jersey,' you know? Like, 'Stop being such a guido!' You know what I mean? "
UM, YEAH. WE SURE DO.
Joey dances in his hooch costume, Kim G is there looking spooky and creepy everywhere, Kathy is dressed like Burning Man, they're all getting crunk.
Kim G, hungrily: "Tell me about what is going to happen when you see Teresa at the Posche 'fashion' show. In detail."
Melissa: "Well, first I'm going to need an apology for that time she congratulated us on our son's baptism. That still stings a little."
Kim G: Getting visibly turned on by even just the hint of drama.
Kathy, getting hardcore, drawing a line, taking names: "Honestly, if I see her at the fashion show... We'll see how it goes."
Kim G: "I can only get off if somebody's pissing on me."
Kathy & Melissa: "Uh, what's that?"
Kim G: "I said this is better than Pirates Of Penzance."
BROWNSTONE
Caroline: "[Some portentous pronouncement about nothing whatsoever.] You work so, so much."
Her Gay Husband: "Whatever it takes to stay away from you as much as possible."
Caroline: "I can't help thinking that my husband's total disinterest in me is related directly to all of my kids leaving the nest."
Lauren: "Dude, I'm right here."
Caroline: "Ah, you know what I mean."
PRE-SHOW PRE-HEAT
Jacqueline & Teresa: "Let's drink champagne and have an awkwardly fake conversation about the Posche 'fashion' show."
Jacqueline: "Being a model is hard."
Teresa: "We are all fashion models in real life. I honestly believe this."
Jacqueline: "So, you're going to start shit with Melissa tonight, right?"
Teresa: "I am really looking forward to saying Hi and being passive-aggressive and tabula rasa about the whole thing. That drives motherfuckers crazy."
Jacqueline: Has noticed this pattern. Will be bringing popcorn. Is the only normal person, or at least the Andy Cohen, of this entire show.
Kathy: "Are you going to start shit with Teresa tonight?"
Melissa: "Yeah. She won't leave me alone! Or stop attacking my kids!"
Kathy: "Demonstrably untrue, but I appreciate the dedication to your reasoning."
Teresa: "Maybe some of the burden of me acting human rests on Melissa."
Jacqueline: "I don't really think that's how it works, but okay."
Kathy, getting real on your ass: "Large groups of people mean... There are lots of people around. The motherly instinct... It just means safety. And also children."
Melissa: "She just better not start with me until I start with her."
Kathy: "Well, I'm certainly going to start some shit with her. I just don't want her going on the offensive like we're starting shit with her."
Melissa: "As long as it doesn't look like we're starting shit with her, because we're not, but we are totally going to start some shit with her, like, immediately."
Kathy: "Even though we are, exactly. I mean we're not. Shit... Starting."
But the irony is that it's Teresa they're talking about. You don't have to start anything with her. She is a monster. She is rigged to blow. She wakes up on the attack. She is a deeply unhappy person with a grip of personal problems. Just sit back. Have a Bay Breeze and holler when you're bored.
I mean, I realize the producers were like, "Have a conversation that gives us a sense of foreboding about how you trashy bitches are going to act at the thing," but "Here's hoping Teresa doesn't act like an animal from the zoo" is not that conversation.
ALSO I STILL HAVE NO IDEA WHO KATHY IS
Kim D leads the Caroline Axis into the ready room, and it's super scary, and Teresa kisses Melissa on the cheek and says hello.
Melissa: "That bitch. I knew she was going to be polite. Didn't I say she was going to be perfectly cordial? What an asshole."
Teresa: "Melissa doesn't phase me. Do I look phased?"
No girl, you look crunk. You look scathed.
Caroline: Has the audacity to speak to Melissa with actual kindness and respect, considering this is her family's business.
Teresa: 100% not having that shit. You can see her toes curl with rage.
Caroline: Continues to be warm, inviting, classy and sweet.
Teresa, from several feet away: "Caroline! Caroliiiine! CAROLINE!"
Caroline: "Um, nice talking to you guys. Have a great night, okay?"
As annoying and overbearing and smothering and child-identified as Caroline is, I love moments like this where her whole "don't get ruffled," professional, grownup thing shines through. She is so much more beautiful when she's not plotting or stewing. Best smile on the show.
Teresa: "Well, I can't get mad at Caroline, because she's the only person that even pretends I'm acceptable, so clearly this behavior of Caroline's, much like my own behavior at all times, is Melissa's fault. That bitch! Getting all talked-to-politely and professionally-schmoozed by my friend. Poor Caroline, forced to act like an adult by Melissa's mind games."
Teresa has a weird, slurred to-do with her hairdresser that sounds like drunk dolphins fighting, but he calls her a bitch and she laughs it off, which is kind of cool.
You can actually hear Jacqueline put the popcorn in the microwave at this point.
BEEP BEEP BEEP
Lauren and Jacqueline, they're basically sisters -- I think? -- so it's fun to watch them hang out while they do makeup. Jacqueline talks about getting plastic surgery, and how she misses her perky wild-eyed bellybutton of yore.
Jacqueline: "Screw growing old gracefully, who does that?"
Lauren: "My mom?"
They: Share a slightly nasty, mostly loving giggle at Caroline's expense, but they're not wrong. Frankly I don't know how Lauren stands it in that household. I'm way too dramatic and self-obsessed to be the kid that gets left out of the family stuff, so maybe I'm just looking at it from my direction. Of course, Lauren is pretty awesome, so maybe the same rule applies here as with all the Housewives Kids: The less attention they get, the less sucky they are.
SO POSH!
Everybody sits down in that room where Danielle kept yelling "crack whore" for no reason at all, and they all start drinking -- excellent -- and as usual, the more makeup you put on Jacqueline the less pretty she gets.
Teresa: "[Explains more bloodline information, who is related to whom, that I will not retain.]"
Caroline: "Teresa, I'm going to order for you okay?"
Teresa: "Why are the Kims here? Why are they talking to Melissa?"
Caroline: "Why is Kim G dressed like Glinda the Good Witch right now? Why did she just eat that centerpiece? Why is she jamming hams and stereo equipment up her dress?"
Teresa: "I can't stop staring over there."
Caroline: "I hate when I'm not the center of attention. Look at me. LOOK AT ME."
Kim G: "Anybody got some poppers? Wanna see my jam my whole fist in my mouth? I skinned a dog and ate it this morning. Raw."
Caroline on Teresa: "Somehow it's ended up that I'm friends with Teresa. Not sure how that fucking happened. But I'm sticking with it, okay."
Caroline on Kathy: "[Her usual wannabe-mobster Family Thing she always does.]"
JERSEY GOES HAUTE
Stripper dress. Stripper dress. Stripper heels. Fur wrap. Kims dancing weird. Prom dress. Color blocks. '80s stripes. Payless pumps. Stripper dress. Flapper hair. Costume jewelry. Zip booties. Midi-dresses. More Kims. Orange skin. That bra that smushes your back fat. Jacqueline's boobs. Melissa looking like a total jackass. Teresa. Hair spray. A crush of human bodies. 30 years of cigarettes in the walls. The clearly defined rouge line of one plumped imaginary cheekbone. Stripper heels. Fur wrap. Stripper dress. Boobs. Orange.
Jacqueline, adorably self-conscious: "I did terrible! Didn't I do terrible? Tell me I'm amazing."
Melissa takes the runway looking totally crazy and cracked out, but everybody cheers and yells for her and the Bravo music goes insane. She's wearing a poorly fitted silver-sequin tunic top with gigantic white-feather skirt. Then she goes back out on the runway for another turn, thanks to the urging of a Kim.
Caroline & Teresa: Unimpressed.
Kim G: "Let's boo Teresa!"
Her companion: "Why? Why would we do that?"
Kim G: "I am chaos incarnate! I snort wiper fluid! Don't ask me questions I can't answer!"
Teresa comes out, and looks fairly great. I mean, it's a very This Show kind of outfit, which I don't even know the point of this fashion show because they're just dressed like themselves, walking down a runway dressed like themselves and each other, but whatever. She's got a bod and she's got the hair and she does what she can with her caveman face. It's not the ugliness or beauty of her outsides that really matters.
Caroline: "God love her, but that girl cannot walk a runway."
Teresa: Is not a model. This thing is not real. Chill.
Caroline: "Her face was smiling, but her model walk said 'I am in Chapter 11 and everybody knows it.'"
... POP POP POP ...
Jacqueline, to Teresa: "Stop watching Kathy and Melissa talk to you mom or whoever that person is. Let's talk about what a great fashion model you are instead. No drama!"
Jacqueline, to us: "I'm about sick of waiting for Teresa to get crazy on these bitches, frankly. I should pour her another drink or two."
Teresa: "I should probably get another drink."
Jacqueline, verbatim: "In my head I'm like tick tick tick..."
(Amazing! I knew I was basically right about what was going on just now, but that's kind of eerie. Being psychically linked to a Real Housewife of New Jersey is not one of the perks of this job I would have expected. No wonder I've always liked Jacqueline so much.
Jacks, if you can hear me: Your daughter is the Worst! Drop her in a far-off city with a knife and a twenty and if she makes it home, she'll be okay. Do not let her fool you into thinking you are the bad guy here. Your daughter is the bad guy and I speak from experience, having been 100% Ashley for like up through the middle of my twenties.
... TICK TICK TICK ...
Kathy enters, wearing a fur vest: A hard-up Studio 54 vet lookin' to score.
Teresa: "Here we fuckin' go."
Kathy: "Can I steeeeeal you a minute?"
Caroline: "Now, to prove my worth as a friend and matriarch, I will make a big fucking deal about simmering with anger."
Caroline's Husband: "Youcan'tseeme youcan'tseeme youcan'tseeme... Huh. It worked."
Jacqueline: "I wonder if I could sneak along behind them and see this shit without getting caught? Well, probably it will erupt out into a hallway in a second anyway. Just knowing it's happening is almost good enough for me."
READY TO RUMMMMMBLE
Kathy, throwing the first motherfucking punch: "I just wanted to know like... What is going on."
Teresa: "What do you even mean?"
Kathy, getting real nasty: "You know, like... Things."
Teresa, zero to sixty in just a few Bay Breezes: "DON'T EVEN START WITH ME, KATHY. WE ARE DONE."
Kathy: "But like, clothes... And people... Chairs... I bought a chair once... I sit in it."
Teresa: "How fucking dare you talk that way to me? WHO DOES THAT?"
Kathy: "I just don't understand, Honey. Problems. Things. Vests."
Teresa: "He dumped me for his wife! His own sister! SUBSTITUTION WHORE!"
Kathy, to us: "...Talking to Teresa is something of an empty exercise, as it turns out."
Kathy: "What was awesome is how your kids were in danger and I saved them from your brutal animalistic nightmare."
Teresa: "You're bringing that up? All we did was get drunk and endanger a room full of people, including our own unattended children and some infirm relatives from the Old Country. IMPLICATION WHORE!"
Kathy: "Whoa, what? I totally won? This was easy."
Jacqueline: "Goddammit, Kathy. You blew your wad."
THE BROTHERHOOD OF MOTHERHOOD
Teresa goes running around the entire place screaming about whether or not Kathy saved her kids during the riot she caused. Random old people start screaming in Italian, and Caroline has to calm everybody down and act professional and get the people the fuck out of Teresa's way.
Caroline: "As you know, mothers and the act of mothering are the only things that matter in this life, and without them you have absolutely no identity whatsoever. I've always thought it was ironic that you give your babies your breast to suckle when they're young -- or in Albie's case, until they are thirty -- and spend the eighty years sucking the life out of them again. It is the way of things. Therefore I knew that the most important thing -- and I'm speaking as a mother here, I don't know if I made that clear but I'm a mother, I have children -- was to get their moms out of that room. This is what I saw as being relevant. This is how I helped."
Teresa: "Kathy, suck a dick!"
Everybody: "Chill, please."
Teresa: "Yeah! Everybody, calm down!"
Everybody: "Teresa, you're the only one acting nuts. (Surprise.)"
Teresa: "I'm serious, you guys need to stop and think. Stop!"
Everybody: "We're just standing here watching you be crazy. We're good."
Jacqueline: "Just a little more..."
Caroline: "Everybody besides Teresa, you guys need to chill."
Everybody: Sighs.
COUNTERINTUITION WHORE!
Melissa: "I want a piece of this for sure. Calm down, Teresa! You're a monster!"
Teresa: "Oh, like your violent piece of shit husband?"
Melissa: "You totally just insulted your own brother. Burn!"
Teresa, actually chilling: "God, Melissa. Shut up."
Kathy: "When you argue with an idiot..."
Melissa: "...You are also an idiot."
Kathy & Melissa: "We are both fucking idiots."
Caroline: "Nobody's calming down on my watch. Not until I instruct you to do so. Now, is everybody ready for a long boring lecture about stuff we all already know?"
Everybody, resentfully: "Yesssss..."
Caroline: "This should not have happened tonight. Now you see what you made me do? Talk to a room full of grown adults like they're children. I don't like being a patronizing martinet with delusions of power, but I'm willing to go there. I don't mind being the bad guy, if it's for the education of your souls. Are we clear."
Everybody: "..."
Caroline: "I said are we clear."
Kim G, while everybody's still distracted: Hands Gia a Benedryl; tells her it's candy.
Caroline: "Everybody get the fuck out of my Brownstone."
Melissa: "[Blah blah blah.]"
Caroline, verbatim and word: "You are family. Fix It."
Teresa, resentfully packing her miles of Spandex and snapping at the ankles of passersby: "Kathy is a bitch. She needs to show some motherfucking class. Where are my children? Where's poor little Gia?"
Being loaded into Kim G's van as we speak. Headed for state lines. Not too worried about it, frankly.
WEEK
Teresa: Says the word ingredientses. In a business meeting!
Jacqueline: Blames Ashley's horribleness on herself some more instead of just kicking her out the house on her horrible ass.
Caroline: Threatens her family with death unless they crawl back inside her sweater with her, then patronizes the shit out of Kathy.
Kathy: Doesn't even understand that's happening.
Melissa & Joey: Talk a good game about forgiveness and family; are still creeps.
Caroline: Tells Teresa to write them a letter, just to see what happens.
Christmas: Thus comes early for Jacqueline, and for us all.