You may have spent the whole week working, but the Manzo/Giudice/Laurita Love Boat is still cruising towards Naples and, hopefully. a Mafioso hit on Joe Giudice. I mean, THAT would make a dramatic season finale, right? Not that this is the season finale, because this show is going to go on forever and ever until we all die of boredom or Teresa crushes us under a table or we suffocate under an avalanche of pink-sequined tulle or Danielle has us all gunned down at the hands of Jailbird Danny for ruining her chance at rebirth as the Bodhisattva of Juvederm. But, to be clear, this is not the season finale, no matter how much we all wish it was.
The cruise boat docks in Naples, and everyone prepares to use the thoughtfully provided can openers to pry themselves out of their cabins. Joe has been forced to carry 45 pieces of luggage of every shape but in varying shades of pink and Burberry check imaginable. He is so laden he looks like a donkey. Well, even more like a donkey. He is cursing up a storm and kicking bags in front of him trying to figure out what he did wrong in his life to be saddled with 45 pieces of girl luggage for a seven-day trip. My first guess? Marrying Teresa. Heck, that's my only guess. Teresa explains that she packed less than usual because she knew Joe was stressed out what with his failing finances, forced expenditures, warrants out for his arrest, and DUI. That and the whole fleeing-the-country thing are just a tad stressful. Also, the wife with no off-button and an unhealthy love of leopard print. Joe curses and kicks over a trash can and throws the luggage around and finally gets down all three decks to the safety of dry land. Adding insult to injury, it turns out everyone else left their bags in their rooms. Teresa was concerned that all the girls' accessories make it to the village so she can impress her cousins and nana with how far she has come in life. Yes, in America her girls can have elastic and bows and glitter and curls. The party boat expels its contents onto a private tour bus. All the little girls are shrieking and, strangely, this makes Caroline into a giant grumpy bunny. This does not concern Teresa, though. She is too busy sightseeing to care if her daughters are screeching. She explains that Naples has a volcano that erupted either 60 or hundreds of years ago. One of those two, for sure. She thinks it is erupting again, but, no, it's just fog. She is relieved, but not as much as Joe, who was trying to picture fleeing a lava flow with 45 pink Burberry bags and four little girls and Teresa, who would probably want to be carried so she wouldn't ruin her Chanel boots.
After a brief sight seeing tour. JESUS CHRIST! I'm recapping a fucking vacation video! No one wants to watch a vacation slide show! No one! This is going to read like if Captain Haddock wrote for Hotels.com. Teresa and Joe bring their girls into the luxury suite overlooking Naples. It's a lovely room with gilded beds and a bathroom with two toilets! Or a little sink! Teresa explains it's a bid-uh, oh-bid-uh, bid-oo, JOE! WHAT'S THIS CALLED! Billions of blistering blue barnacles, it's a bidet, you morons! Joe calls it a douche, which is unnecessary. What did that bidet ever do to him? And who is Joe to call anyone a douche in his Burberry sweater, gelled hair, and Axe body spray fog? Meanwhile, in another lovely golden room, Albert is just trying to get some peace and quiet, but Caroline wants to "talk." Well mostly she wants to complain, but she is smart enough to realize the cameras are rolling and Teresa might see if she berates her parenting style. Instead she'll just log on to the UrbanBaby.com message boards and leave anonymous hate mail for breastfeeding working moms. Albert tactfully says that the girls are "special" but could use an "iron hand." Albert wins the diplomacy award! Albert waxes nostalgic about his last trip to Naples and going to see the ruins of Pompeii. Caroline wishes she could see that, but is pragmatic enough to realize that Teresa would make her take at least one of her daughters.
Oh hey, remember Danielle? Remember how this show needed something for her to do now that none of the Manzos will associate with her and even the Kims won't be her fake friends anymore. I mean, if the famewhoring Kims won't even star-fuck you, you've reached a new low, right? I mean, I heard one of the Kims gave Danny Bonaduce a lap dance at a Denny's just on the off chance it would end up on YouTube. Anyway, Danielle needs something to do on this show to justify her existence, so someone crafted the idea that she would try to find her birth mother. She's 47! It's time! Danielle reminds us that Kim G. stabbed her in the "proverbial back" (only in New Jersey do you need to make the distinction) by telling someone who told someone who mentioned it to Danielle's daughter that Danielle might want to find her birth mother. Hence the shriekfest where square-tit accusations were rudely hurled at Danielle across a New Jersey tea salon crowded with Wayne's finest ladies. So now Danielle has to explain to her daughters that she is considering maybe trying to find her birth mother. Christine points out that Teresa and the Manzos don't respect Danielle, which is a very reasonable thing to say. Danielle pats herself on the back for being such a good mother despite having been abandoned by her own mother at birth. She knows her mother risked everything to have her. Ooh, ooh, maybe Danielle is Moses!
Back in Italy, it's raining in Naples, and Joe is pretty sure this is Teresa's fault. Chris and Caroline go to wander the streets of Naples with their parents to reminisce about family and family and why the fuck they didn't teach their kids to speak Italian. Then Chris graciously takes them all out to eat at the best restaurant in Naples, which is rumored to have the best pizza in the world. Now I am hungry. Perhaps if I write the hell out of this travelogue someone will send me to Italy to eat. Or I can start wearing heels, change out of my track pants, marry a philandering millionaire, and try and get my own Bravo reality show. Right? Right. Teresa can't wait for the family reunion. No, not the one they brought with them, but the one they are staging tomorrow in Santa Cuntalina. (That's what Caroline said. Don't blame me, I trust the Italian-American on this.) Joe is from the same village and can't wait to climb the 85-degree hill leading up to his grandma's house. Jacqueline thinks a hike with babies and old people is a really bad idea, but no one cares and especially not Teresa. Jacqueline is not amused. I really hope Jacqueline ends up punching her in her babymaker.
Jailbird Danny stops by Danielle's house to break the good news: The Manzos, Giudices and Lauritas are all on vacation! Northern New Jersey is hers! This means only one thing to Danielle: Panini. Apparently during the Great New Jersey Housewife War, Danielle lost the rights to the best Panini. No, auto-correct, I don't want to capitalize Panini. Stop it. Who capitalizes panini? Bill Gates, I guess. Anyway, as she drives, Danielle starts in on how the women have terrorized her to the point that she can't even eat the best panini in New Jersey. Take it to the judge, sister! Clearly you can blame Ashley for this, too. Jailbird Danny tells Danielle that despite the restraining order, he has been hanging out with some of Ashley's friends. What? They came to him! He swears. They all want to help Danielle. Or something. Danielle mutters something about Ashley's "terroristic tendencies", which is something she overheard on Glenn Beck about an al-Qaeda suspect, but totally applies here. Anyway, Danielle's heart is not really in it today, because: panini!
The out-of-towners load into their tour bus, and Joe is worked into a frenzy over the hotel bill and the 650 Euro mini bar bill. At first you don't notice his constant stream of curses, because he is sitting in the back of the bus where all the crazy people sit and it just seems so normal. He is ranting and ranting and you can see the dollar bills adding up in his head and how many pizzas he is going to have to bake and how his wife is going to bankrupt him and how the heck did a ham sandwich cost a thousand dollars? But he's not going to go back to the hotel to complain, no, he's just going to sit in the back of the bus and curse a blue streak much to the joy of the people around him. Then out of the blue he announces: "We're going to Sala Cutalina and we're all going to be civilized!" And that's too much for Caroline, who just starts cracking up laughing at the poor crazy person.
The tour bus stops and everyone pours onto the streets. Jacqueline warned the old people not to attempt the hill, so even Teresa's parents stay in the bus, which is weird because I think this was their hometown. Maybe they have fears of reprisal for stealing a goat or the sacred recipe to Ragu before fleeing the country 40 years ago. So the young and able climb the hill to Joe's grandma's house. Joe's mood has improved considerably, but Jacqueline, Caroline and Albert all seem much grouchier. Well Albert's just on his phone the whole time which, frankly, is something I can admire.
Danielle goes to meet the private investigator that Jailbird Danny recommended. She explains the facts she has: She exists, she is full of light and peace, she is Italian, Catholic, and her birth mother was 15. That is all the information she has. Danielle sets some boundaries: She doesn't want to find her birth mother if she is on drugs or homeless. Danielle wants her mommy to fix her, not to fix her mommy. This is all about her. Obviously. Bet that birth mother will be thrilled to have Danielle in her life. Maybe she'll want to suckle.
The Giudice family reunion continues with a steady stream of cousins and aunts and uncles to say hello. Caroline is uncomfortable with all the Italian-speakers around her. Her parents left the old country to be American. She speaks English, okay? Inside, the family has a feast laid out, including mozzarella and prosciutto and wine in little plastic glasses. Wine and spaghetti makes Jacqueline happy, but Caroline is still cranky. The tour of the pig slaughterhouse doesn't do much to cheer her up either. Jacqueline and Caroline take a moment to eat some "macaroni" and "gravy" and cheer the fuck up. It almost works, but not as much as heading back to the tour bus. Teresa and Joe try to make up, but Joe wants to yell some more and jokingly threaten her with domestic violence, which is ALWAYS FUNNY. At the end of the day, they drink some wine on the street and Joe sees the balcony he was born on. According to his mother. The balcony. Why not? It has a nice view and a lot of fresh air.
Back in New Jersey, Danielle gets a call from her private investigator. The investigator has a non-update, namely: They put in a request for the court records for the adoption. Fascinating right? I am so happy to be watching this shit. It's simply riveting television. I mean, The Wire has nothing on this drama. Danielle is going to pray on it. She knows God wants her to find her birth mother. Lord knows He's sick of being the only one she turns to. (What? A little heresy goes a long way towards staving off boredom.)
Back in Italy, Teresa pulls out all the stops to really impress her family with her newfound wealth. Nothing says "I've made it" like dressing your daughters in matching outfits that resemble Swiss milk maid dresses if the milk maid ate nothing but strawberry Quik and feathers and then barfed on herself repeatedly. There is no way I can do justice to these dresses. Or the matching headpieces, which look like they were ripped from the pages of Horton Hears a Who, except, obviously, much, much pinker. Teresa explains that they were original designs made just for her girls. The baby looks like she is going to suffocate under her feathered hair accessory. They are full and pink with dirndls and ruffles everywhere and brown trim that may be leopard print, and they have trousers that make the girls look like teeny-tiny Clydesdales and... oh, fuck it. They are awful. Toddlers & Tiaras would think they were much too much. The girls can just show a picture of themselves in these outfits and get free therapy for life. Naturally Teresa is very proud. Teresa proposes a toast to family while everyone else tries not to giggle.
And then they are home. Caroline's sons have matured and do not pelt them with ham the moment they enter the house. Teresa and Joe cuddle on their leopard-print bed while the girls fall asleep around the house. Jacqueline is unpacking, too, but she's also remembering that Danielle exists and that gives her a sad.
Watch a clip from the episode below, discuss it in our forums, then check out last season's most ridiculous moments.
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Melissa Locker a.k.a. Lulu Bates is willing to recap your vacation photos, too. You can follow her on Twitter @woolyknickers.