Jacqueline and Chris are heading to dinner at the Giudice's because Joe was in a car accident and they have to mock him. The public shaming that is TMZ will not suffice in this situation. As Teresa, Joe, Chris, and Jacqueline split four bottles of wine between them, Jacqueline swears that they were out to dinner with Joe and Teresa the night of the accident and Joe wasn't drunk, wasn't really drinking and she is shocked, shocked! Jacqueline may also be shocked to learn that Joe ran into a pole, which was most likely stationary at the time of the accident and was probably not drinking either.
She may also be surprised that according to trusted news source TMZ, not only was Joe charged with DWI based on blood tests taken in the hospital (read: hours after the accident), but he was also arrested for outstanding warrants! That slab of mortadella gets in some big trouble! But drink up! Laugh! It doesn't get any funnier than this! That's what the Romans did while their civilization was crumbling, and it totally worked for them!
Over at the Oakland Diner which is like an annex to Danielle's living room, but with fewer dogs and better food, Danielle meets Jailbird Danny for a smoothie. She stops in once a day for a smoothie because blueberries are antioxidants and chewing causes wrinkles. TMYK! Thanks for the beauty tips, Danielle. When can I buy your patented anti-aging mood stabilizing smoothies on QVC? Danny tells her the good news: Joe Giudice got a DWI! Danielle purses her lips and then gives in to an actual smile and then rubs her face down with Retin A to undo the damage. Danielle reports that Joe was drunk driving at 2 a.m. instead of being at home with his four daughters and his wife.
Cut to Joe who is offering his side of the story to Jacqueline and Chris. Wait...I thought they were out to dinner with him? Anyway, after dinner Joe goes to collect on some investments at a strip club (just guessing!) and was tired and took a little nap (just for a second!) and then decided to mow down some trees with his car (civic duty!) and then hit a pole (life insurance scam!). He pulled himself out of the wreckage, walked to his dad's house, and then had four shots of Scotch so everyone would think he was a drunk driver and not an insurance fraud. He'll come back to that plan later. Only Jacqueline believes that he started drinking after the accident and before the cops came. Not even a slab of mortadella is that stupid. Or is it? Teresa thanks the little baby Jesus and Marie Antoinette that Joe was saved.
Over at the diner, Danielle is still filming her PSA. Drinking and driving is disgusting! Putting out negativity, brings more negativity, she learned that on Oprah. Danielle is living in love and light, while darkness rains down on Teresa and the Manzos. She's living her Best Life, bitches!
Jacqueline, Caroline, and Teresa have the sads about all the darkness raining down on them. Also, indictments. How about a nice little vacation out of the jurisdiction? Maybe to Italy? Do they have an extradition policy? Caroline needs to check with Albert to find out whether or not he loves her. The only way to prove his love is with a vacation. Meanwhile, Jacqueline has a scheme. She dresses her two sons in the colors of the Italian flag, serves up some spaghetti, cracks open a bottle of Barolo, and pouts that she needs a vacation from all the pedicures. Chris gets it.
Back at the Brownstone, Albert is open to the idea of a vacation, but not with 10 kids. Geez, Albert, you don't want to see the joy on ten children's faces when they realize you are trapped on an airplane with them for seven hours? Grump. Teresa and Joe tell their girls that they are going on vacation without them, but after all the girls are hyperventilating and crying, Teresa yells: I'm kidding! It's a joke! Mommy made a funny! Hahaha! The girls are unimpressed with mommy's sense of humor. Caroline can promise that that her kids aren't coming, but Albert wants more. Joe is in tears thinking about how much it will cost to bring four girls, Teresa, and her parents to Italy. He could have been dead! He could have been in a nursing home. Instead he has to pay for this. Then Jacqueline decides to bring their parents, too, because then they will have babysitters. Please let this turn into the Brady Bunch trip to the Grand Canyon and (spoiler alert!) they all get locked in a jail in a ghost town and die a thousand deaths each.
Fast forward (thank fucking god) to the day before the trip. Teresa's luggage has filled the entire foyer of the marble mausoleum they call home. Teresa explains that her mom was pregnant with her when she left Italy and she was pregnant with Milania (in Milan, natch) the last time she was there. Being pregnant in Italy is a family tradition! Caroline is packing too, but Albert refuses to contribute to this folly. She can pack for him since she is forcing him to leave his beloved Brownstone for a week. Ashley can't come on the trip because she has a job to pay for her attorney. She is learning responsibility. Also that lawyers are really overpaid. Jacqueline is concerned that Ashley will treat the house like a love shack and have necking parties in daddy's special room and will raid the gun closet, too. Ashley rolls her eyes at her mom's square ideas.
Suddenly (not suddenly enough) it is time to leave. Everyone comes to Teresa's house for pre-departure drinks, which they will need because THERE ARE TWENTY FREAKING PEOPLE GOING ON THIS TRIP. You know it's a party because people are eating pizza (yes, before a trip to Italy) and then one of Teresa's monster vases gets broken... by Jacqueline's mother! Time Out! Oh wait. Joe brings twelve bottles of wine to the party bus (with built in stripper pole!) they rented to shuttle them to the airport. Can't be too sober to start a vacation!
The party on wheels lands in Venice, just in time for the Biennale. I kid. Their cruise ship leaves at 2. Everyone's exhausted, but Teresa's inner tour guide comes out and foists gondola rides on everyone. She loads her brood into a gondola and we see that her girls are dressed in fur hats and coats like little Czarinas and I hope to god somebody overthrows them. Jacqueline is wildly disappointed that none of the gondola drivers are singing like the ones at the Venetian hotel do. Before they can eat or go to the cruise ship, Teresa is bound and determined to find Chanel's [sic] despite the facts that no one else wants to shop, they are with 17 other people, and, as Caroline points out, there's a "Chanel's" on 57th Street in Manhattan. By the time Teresa finds the store, it is closed for lunch. She can't NOT buy something, so she finds a jewelry store and gets a gaudy ring. Outside Joe is cursing about Teresa's spending habits, but Teresa thinks her spending is just so hilarious and not at all sad or pathological.
They finally get on the fucking enormous cruise ship, which the Italians must just love seeing pull into their quaint coastal towns. All twenty people --from infants to 80-year olds plus the camera crew -- take over the prime viewing spot for the ship's departure ensuring that they will be the most popular people on the ship. Joe and Chris head to the bar, alone dammit. Joe confesses that the car accident shook him up, but you know who really has problems? Danielle. Um, subtle diversion and deflection there Joe. Chris goes with it, because he's on this free vacation with the stipulation being that he has to bad mouth Danielle whenever possible to pretend there is ongoing drama there. Joe and Chris think they should go away once a year. Heck, twice a year. It's just so much fun. Also, Bravo is footing the bill.
Is this the most boring episode of an already boring show? I am thinking it is. No Bravo, it is not improved by watching Jacqueline hilariously sexually harass Caroline during her couples massage with Albert. Nope, still boring. But wait! Teresa asks Caroline to watch Milania, Gabriella, and Gia so she and Joe can fornicate. Caroline agrees to this despite the fact that ew! and Albert made her pinky swear: No children! Teresa wanders the halls of the cruise ship in her bathrobe and delivers her daughters to Caroline. Albert flees at the sight of them. Meanwhile everyone is taking advantage of the cruise's many amenities. Just pay real close attention to the Royal Caribbean ad you see and you'll have an idea of the fifteen minutes of the show. Albert eventually decides to help Caroline entertain the kids and ends up wanting grandchildren. up, Jacqueline and Teresa ditch their children, get drunk, roam the ship, and annoy the unlucky other passengers.
Not entertained yet? Don't worry: It's a three-year old's birthday! That should get the old entertainment flowing, right? Teresa has packed matching tutus for all the girls and has planned a private party for Milania's birthday. Jacqueline is simultaneously hungover and seasick and can't quite make the party what with the wretching and dizziness. So she gets to sleep in bed while the rest of us are dragged into a crowded and poorly lit dining hall where some tables got pushed together for the Big Party. Milania is unimpressed and promptly falls asleep at the table. Teresa is mortified and tries to wake her up for the cake, but she won't rouse. This must be humiliating for Teresa and really boring for the rest of us, the birthday girl included. The group's destination is Naples and everyone is worried about the crime. Luckily they brought their own cosa nostra. Albert perks up, what? Who? Me? Joe just stares at his tiramisu and chugs some more Barolo. Up : Shuffle board!
Come back week and see Teresa meet her cousin and his goat. To make this more interesting, I propose a drinking game where you drink whenever Joe does. You'll be soused and rolling in the aisles in no time!
Melissa Locker a.k.a. Lulu Bates is writing this sound asleep. You can follow her on Twitter @woolyknickers.
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