Joe Giudice is taken his troupe of precious little angels for some father-daughter bonding time... at the local tae kwon do studio. Those girls know how to fight. Teresa glibly and rhetorically asks where could they have gotten that trait? She is either a brilliant and underappreciated actress with a unique ability to tread into Andy Kaufman straight-faced humor territory or she is simply completely unaware. Let's not forget she really considers herself to be a really nice girl.
At the Tae Kwon Joe studio (that was an accident, but it stays), Joe watches as his darling baby girls tag team each other into the ground with some ...well, I don't think Tae Kwon Do usually includes hair pulling, biting, or kicking on the ground, so let's call them mixed martial arts moves. So yeah, Gia, if that whole acting-modeling thing doesn't work out, I think the WWE is probably a better fit than Versace anyway. You have the face for it. Aw sn-AP! Against a nine year old! I rule! Even though she could totally kick my ass. So could Melania. But I think I could take Gabrielle. She's kind of a candy ass.
Ooh today's theme is apparently Physical Fitness (say yes to exercise, kids!) because now Danielle and her daughters are hitting the boxing gym at the encouragement of Jailbird Danny. Glad to see the girls have a healthy male role model in their life. If they are lucky Jailbird Danny could set the mold for all future boyfriends in their lives. That would be great for them. Can you imagine how lousy Danielle's ex-husband must be if Danielle is the stable one who is best suited to care for their children? I like to think about that in the bubble bath sometimes.
So all three ladies don gloves and enter the ring at LA Boxing, a gym that clearly paid a premium for the unique opportunity to train three such D-Listers. Even Jailbird Danny is wearing an LA Boxing tank top. Danielle's daughters look mortified as Danielle pretends that her trainers' hands are Teresa and Jacqueline and pounds them to a pulp. I get extremely uncomfortable thinking about how awkward it must be for those girls to have such a publicly nut job mom. Can you send someone a gift certificate for therapy? Would that be awkward? At the gym, Danielle is in her god awful super flirty mode where she is flipping her hair and being all shyly brave. This personality has been beaten into submission by Scary Eyed Danielle who is staring straight into the confessional camera and explaining how to knife someone in the shower without anyone noticing.
Jacqueline is paying a visit to her door neighbor Kim G. Obviously Jacqueline drove. Kim G. and Jacqueline are not actually friends. They are barely even frenemies. They merely get together to rehash events. So Kim thinks Teresa needs to work on her self-control, but Jacqueline swears that the only time Teresa acts like a rabid badger is when she is dressed like one and in Danielle's presence. Way to blame the victim, Jacqueline! Kim G. then asks whether Ashley is guilty of assault, which should rub Jacqueline the wrong way, but doesn't because she kind of agrees and may have kicked Ashley out last week, which is a cruel way to treat the developmentally disabled.
It's a usual Monday morning at putative empty nester Caroline's house. All the kids are there demanding eggs in their own special way with their names written in ketchup and pancakes in the shapes of their initials and can mommy cut the toast into hearts? Albert, too. Caroline smiles and sends them all off to work at The Brownstone with sack lunches with special notes tucked inside. Except for poor little Albie who got chucked out of law school for failing to maintain a minimum GPA. He doesn't have work to go to. He can't rely on his daddy for a job. He has to rely on his pending lawsuit against the school to make his Ed Hardy and Axe Body Spray money. So sad. He pouts a little and Caroline promises to take him for an ice cream cone later. With sprinkles! He turns his frown upside down as his mommy tickles his tummy.
Teresa has realized that she might owe Kim D. an apology for bringing so much fame, notoriety, and publicity to her fashion show. I mean, people might know about Posche boutique now! By the way, I've decided it IS pronounced like Porsche without the 'R' just because saying it out loud several times has made me feel extra special and smart just like Kim D.'s clientele. Go ahead and try it! I'll wait. See? Don't you just want to wear fur and run your Range Rover over lesser people?
Teresa feels really bad about all the publicity Kim D.'s show got and really wants to make sure Kim D. knows that she wasn't trying to start something. She is just a grown up who wanted to say hello to another grown up in a very grown up way. She can't help it if Danielle decided to try and get a rise out of her? Tried and failed! I mean when Danielle claimed Teresa's house was in foreclosure, Teresa just shook her head, sighed, and walked away, right? We all saw that. Teresa cracks me up because she so clearly seems to think that none of us will actually see the tape of that evening. You know, when she picked a fight with Danielle and chased her through the halls of the country club? Remember? Teresa doesn't. It's like she huffed gas because she saw a picture of Dina Lohan doing it and looked like a good idea.
Kim D. shrugs and Teresa settles in to talk fashion when suddenly Kim G. walks in. Teresa can NOT believe the nerve of Kim G. to walk into her friend's boutique when Teresa is there. How rude! (Yes, in my head, Teresa has the voice of Stephanie Tanner.) Kim G. obviously wants to talk about The Fight and she does an okay job of pretending that she is dealing with sane people. Teresa tells the confessional cam that her one regret about that night was pushing Kim G. because Kim is older and Teresa fully respects the elderly. I think this is a jab at Kim G., but it is so bland and self-gratifying for Teresa to say it that I don't really care to respond. I WON'T SINK TO HER LEVEL!
Derek, Ashley's boyfriend and North New Jersey's voice of reason, asks Ashley if she thinks she behaved appropriately, because he really would have preferred that Ashley not act as the enforcer. If he wanted to date The Enforcer, he'd set himself up with a Clint Eastwood marathon and a box of Kleenex. Derek, who is FAR AND AWAY the sanest person on this show, really wants to stop talking about Danielle and would appreciate if Ashley didn't fixate on her. Ashley mutters something about hair extensions and Derek reminds her that he would like to move on. Derek is way too good for Ashley, although he's probably scared that if he breaks up with her she will boil his bunny.
Joe is an entrepreneur, if by entrepreneur you mean someone who owns his own business. Teresa is totally just testing us, because she totally knew that. Joe gives her and her sweater cape a tour of his latest investment property, namely a combination pizzeria-laundromat-apartment complex, which just sounds lovely. Teresa explains that her house is NOT in foreclosure (yet!) and Joe owns a lot of property. Some were good investments, some were bad investments. End of story. Joe shows her the apartments they can live in if they get kicked out of the house. Teresa thinks he is totally kidding her, but you can tell there is an element of truth to Joe's teasing. Like he is trying to warn Teresa about her future, but she just won't hear it. Don't worry, Teresa, Gia can support you with her WWE career.
Danielle goes to meet Jailbird Danny and an unnamed cohort who does his best Silent Bob impersonation. Danielle has decided not to blame Ashley for the attack, but rather to blame Ashley's broken home. It all starts at home! Especially when Ashley and Danielle used to be so close that Ashley even asked to use Danielle's tanning room! That's how close they were! They were willing to possible share charred epithelials! That's how I define family. So Danielle blames Jacqueline and Chris and, really, the whole Manzo family for Ashley's assault. She's going to need a bigger lawsuit!
Caroline is alphabetizing Albert's vitamins A through Zinc when Albie comes in with good news: The law school wrote him his letter of transfer. He reads it aloud and it is truly a heartwarming rebuttal of the fact that he got kicked out. If you find clinical legalese heartwarming that is. So now Albie can find some new law school to accept his floundering ass, take his parents' money, and hope that some day he can maybe pass the bar exam and chase ambulances for the rest of his life. Obviously Mom and Dad Manzo are proud. Unless he has to go to school out of state. Then they are sad. Unless the out-of-state school is near a golf course. Then they are happy. This is extremely complicated
Danielle pulls up to the Wayne County Municipal Building. She has decided that the parking lot is a great place to meet with her two lawyers and her three witnesses. I have no idea why. Maybe her lawyers' offices are too small for everyone plus a camera crew? I mean those strip mall law firms can have pretty tight spaces what with being squeezed between a Dunkin' Donuts and a pet food store. The lawyer takes statements from the women and finally herds the women inside I guess to file a complaint. One of the lawyers pauses for a photo from the one lone paparazzo staking out the Wayne County Municipal Building. He can put the picture in his flyer he will stick under the windshield wipers of the cars in the parking lot of the strip mall. It will be very sophisticated.
Bravo is running a banner ad that says: "Got the hots for the Manzo Boys?" To be clear: NO. Jesus, Bravo, quit trying to make the Manzos happen. They are not attractive. Nor is the possibility of hanging out with the Manzo family and getting HAM CHUCKED AT MY HEAD LIKE A BUNCH OF ANIMALS. Moving on. Jacqueline comes to seek counsel with elder statesman Caroline. She got word that Danielle is filing charges against Ashley and she is upset. But! She sees the silver lining in that Ashley is learning a valuable life lesson. Namely, don't pull out anyone's weave. That lesson is definitely a hard one to learn. I struggle with it daily, but especially when I am watching The Bachelorette.
Jacqueline texts Ashley and tells her to swing by the local Starbucks and then come over to Aunt Caroline's. As Ashley still hasn't been able to decide between an illustrious career in either fashion merchandising or music management, she has no reason not to comply. Jacqueline asks her if she knows what is going on and Ashley laughs that she heard Danielle is filing charges against her right now. She laughs some more... and see what I mean about Ashley being a bit slow? Or maybe really, really high on life? Jacqueline and Caroline remind Ashley that THEY WARNED HER! Ashley doesn't get what she did to deserve this. I mean is hair pulling wrong? I am starting to think that Ashley didn't learn everything she needed to learn in kindergarten.
Outside the courthouse Danielle, her lawyers, and her witnesses emerge feeling victorious. I guess they were giving statements to a judge who was deciding the merits of the claim. The judge apparently missed the crazy in Danielle's eyes and decided to proceed with the case of the State of New Jersey vs. Ashley. Danielle is straining to pat herself on the back for her civic mindedness and caring nature. She is really doing the world a favor by making sure that Ashley gets the help she needs. Her amiable Greek chorus of Botoxed cronies nod their heads in agreement with her decision to help the needy. It was really charitable of her.
Kim G. is hitting her eighties with pride and keeping herself spry by speed walking down the sidewalk in her leggings and fur head wrap. Her destination? Jacqueline's house. Jacqueline does not really want to let the two-faced liar into her house, but does anyway because she is just like that, okay? She wants to know why Kim would gather up two of her girlfriends and drag them down to the courthouse "like a busted up Sex and the City" to file a court case. That may be my favoritest thing ever said on this show. I'm going to try and work "busted up Sex and the City" into every conversation today!
Kim denies that she worked up the court case, but doesn't regret going to file the charges. Danielle asked her to do it, so she did it. She is a good friend to Danielle except that she talks about her behind her back to Jacqueline. Otherwise, totally BFFs until Danielle decides she hates her. That's why Kim G. is palling around with Jacqueline. She just wants to make sure she is always on television even if she looks like a total ass doing it. Also, showing her ass on TV is fine, too. At least for her. For the rest of us it was more than a little eye bleedingly painful. Anyway, Jacqueline doesn't think that Danielle, as an ex con, has any right to press charges against Ashley. Please, Jacqueline, this is America! Everyone can sue everyone! Whee! See you in court, ladies!
Melissa Locker a.k.a. Lulu Bates can't actually think of any way to slip "busted up Sex and the City" into the conversation. Yet. You can follow her on Twitter @woolyknickers.
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