Are you ready viewers? Are you ready, America? Because, IT IS TIME. If you can recall back two weeks ago (I can't, having wasted all my viable brain cells on watching reality television and re-runs of Flipper, luckily I has DVR) there was some tension in the air at the North Jersey Country Club. Teresa, Jacqueline, and Danielle were all within 100 feet of each other proving that they don't actually have restraining orders on each other. Both Kims were there, too, squeezing as close to possible to the actual *cough* stars of the show in their desperate need to be famous for all the wrong reasons and to mortify their children in every possible way.
Teresa, either at a producer's prodding or of her own mean girl volition, has decided to kick things up a notch with Danielle. So instead of just letting Danielle leave without making a scene and go home and journal on her Facebook fan page and then cry herself to sleep on a leopard print rug with a bottle of Barolo as a pillow using a stray Shih Tzu to dry her tears, Teresa decides to stake out the exits. This despite the fact that elder statesman (and shaving enthusiast) Caroline explained that the only way they would win [the Miss Congeniality award?] is by doing nothing.
Danielle walks by, head held high and Teresa stops her, demanding that Danielle pay homage or at least pretend to be civil. Kim G. thinks paying attention to Teresa sounds like a GREAT IDEA, so at the urging of her famewhore frenemy Danielle goes back and says a fake hello. Teresa didn't appreciate The Tone of her hello, because in her world, fake forced greetings are much more heartfelt. Danielle doesn't feel like playing along any more, but Teresa who is apparently making the most of Mommy's Night Out (and also, way off her meds) escalates things by calling Danielle a bitch out of the blue. Then cruel heartless Bravo decided that we were having too much fun for the evening and we were going to get ourselves wound up before bedtime and they CUT US OFF. But, we know what we're in for: There's gonna be a fight. Whee? Whee.
And so it begins. Teresa has posted herself by the exit and Jacqueline has joined her in the vague hope of talking her down from her purportedly "nice" mission. This does not work. Danielle walks by, Teresa demands a hello, Danielle looks rightly skeptical, and then Teresa starts swearing up and down that she is the "nicest girl" and "the sweetest girl". Danielle is like, um, no sweetie, I don't know that about you. TERESA IS FUCKING NICE. BELIEVE IT BITCH! Danielle (and I hate to say it, but so far I am firmly Team Danielle right now) tells her not to attack her, but it's too late for Nice Girl Teresa. She stands up, starts bobbing her head, and reminding Danielle that she is "from Patterson". Being a nice girl from Oregon, I have no idea what it means to be "from Patterson" other than that Teresa is bobbing her head and z-snapping all over the place so I guess they dance a lot in Patterson?
While a crowd gathers (mostly because the Housewives are blocking the fire exits) Danielle decides to get down in the dirt and play with Teresa. She says something about seeing the house Teresa used to live in, so Teresa snaps back about the five million dollar marble mausoleum she calls home. Danielle lovingly reminds her that the home is in foreclosure. Ah snap! This accusation hits way too close to home (literally and figuratively) for Teresa and she COMPLETELY LOSES HER SHIT. She charges Danielle, who wisely makes a break for it. Teresa chases her through the crowd, shoving stiletto-heeled women to the ground, knocking calming hands away, ignoring soothing words, pushing past Jacqueline who is begging her to stop. Teresa doesn't stop. Danielle, who is probably really, really happy that she sprung for the bodyguard, is hastily escorted out of the building while Teresa is still charging like a bull towards her, shrieking "My house is not in foreclosure! My house is not in foreclosure!" Well-minding women keep trying to stop Teresa and talk some damn sense into her, but Teresa screams at them to stop touching her and get the hell out of her way.
At this point a crowd of bewildered women are milling about trying to figure out whether they should go home or stay and watch the show that came with their dinner. At this point Danielle is hiding in a corner outside while Kim G. either tries to help Danielle calm down or tries to draw attention to Danielle's whereabouts. The bodyguard covers her as she cries in what looks like actual terror. I have to say Danielle is really looking like the victim here and Teresa looks more like a crazy-eyed bully than nice girl. God I hate feeling sorry for Danielle. The heels on Danielle's stiletto S&M boots are broken but she would have needed some Nike trainers to get out of their without breaking something. The bodyguard picks up Danielle to carry the hysterical woman to Kim G.'s car and then out of the blue Ashley runs up and pulls Danielle's hair really hard. Um... WHAT? Is Ashley a closet sociopath? Or is she just really, REALLY stupid? Was the adrenaline just too much for her teenage body to handle? Who the fuck does that? Danielle is full on screaming now and the bodyguard is running to the car.
Suddenly, Teresa appears, much like The Terminator appears out of nowhere from The Future. Danielle starts whipping at the bodyguard to run faster while Teresa does her best Schwarzenegger impression. Once safely in the back of the car Danielle collapses in to Kim G.'s arms. Terminator Teresa will not stop. She approaches the car and tries to outwrangle the driver and the bodyguard. She is somehow surprised that Danielle is crying. Ah, Teresa, the face of post-partum psychosis.
Jacqueline figures out that Teresa is stalking Danielle and runs up to try and convince her to leave Danielle alone to her miserable life at least until the time they are contractually obligated to interact with her. But Teresa has Crazy Eyes and a Mission From the Future and can't be convinced. Ashley thinks it's a good idea to show up and Jacqueline spanks her and sends her back home. Ashley, being deranged and hepped up on hormones and adrenaline, shrieks that Jacqueline chose Danielle over her own daughter. PLEASE let Jacqueline kick her out of the house again! And her little dog, too! Teresa appears to have had enough and heads back inside to pretend that she was just trying to be nice the whole time. She was chasing Danielle for a cuddle! She wanted to hug it out! She is sending an Edible Arrangement from the strip mall in Franklin Lakes tomorrow! Hugs and kisses! Some women (Kim D.) believe her, but Kim D.'s brain has been frozen solid by years of overzealous Botox injections.
Meanwhile, Jacqueline has staked out Kim G.'s Bentley. It's hard to tell whether she is acting as sentinel or if she is concerned that Danielle is going to have her daughter arrested (she totally is) or if she is trying to get up the courage to apologize to Danielle (ha ha!) or is just being a passive aggressive mega bitch and intimidating Danielle. Danielle calls the cops (making sure they realize this is Danielle Staub, yes, of Real Housewives fame), Kim G. jumps out of the car to get her purse that she somehow left inside the banquet hall. Inside Kim G. quickly decides the best course of action is to approach Kim D. and Teresa. The first thing out of her mouth? LIES. Shocking, I know. She tells Teresa that she knows Teresa was just trying to be nice. Holy shit. Is there some sort of mass delusion going on in Franklin Lakes? Is LSD being pumped into the drinking water. Ashley joins the gaggle, boasting that she pulled Danielle's hair. Even Teresa gives her a what the fuck? face because what the fuck? WHO DOES THAT? Not even Teresa. Ashley pretends that she though Danielle hurt her mommy, which is also LIES and Kim D. comforts her for her well meaning ways. These bitches are crazy.
The cops show up while Jacqueline is still standing stock still staring into Danielle's car. All the old bejeweled biddies are bidding farewell to each other as the cops pull into the driveway. Danielle is hysterical in the back of the car as the cop takes her statement. No one seems overwhelmingly impressed with the hair pulling because part of the hair was a weave. The cops also have no place to mark either "weave pulling" or "emotionally traumatized" on their citation forms. The cops go in to talk to Ashley, who being emotionally deficient and mildly brain damaged, sees absolutely no problem with her behavior this evening. Also asked for her statement is Teresa who plays dumb ...er, dumber and pretends she has no idea why the cops would want to talk to her about her actions this evening. No one gets arrested, which is sad for Bravo because that would have been awesome for their ratings and publicity. Teresa settles herself into Jacqueline's Range Rover and braces herself for the scolding. Jacqueline tsk tsks that she didn't have to say hello to Danielle, WHICH IS TOTALLY TRUE and probably the closest thing Teresa will get to a reality check. Because that was pretty abysmal behavior. In the confessional, Danielle is still really upset. She doesn't understand why they have to treat her like that. And, frankly, she has a point. Don't get me wrong, Danielle is completely fruit loops, but this? This was too much.
The worse thing about this fight is that you know the rest of the season will be spent rehashing it. Just kill me now, eh?
It's the morning after and we get parallel recaps of The Big Fight. Jacqueline heads to Caroline's to recap the night's events. Caroline is woefully out of the loop so Teresa and Jacqueline fill her in. Caroline is unimpressed with Teresa's pinky swear that she "just wanted to say hi" to Danielle because it is a complete load of crap and Teresa is deluding herself. Meanwhile, Danielle is giving her version of events to BFF (with benefits? yeesh) Jailbird Danny. Caroline just looks very disappointed and extremely weary as Jacqueline and Teresa recount their adventures in Wayne, New Jersey. When Jacqueline gets to the part about Ashley pulling out Danielle's hair, Caroline shakes her head sadly. She sagely points out that Danielle won that round because Teresa, Jacqueline, and Ashley all ganged up on her and beat her down with all of Kim D.'s fashionable shoppers watching. They can't pretend they are innocent bystanders anymore. Jacqueline and Teresa look chastened by this. A little.
Gosh, with all this drama I sort of forgot to care about what happened to Albie and his law school dreams. Actually, I always forget to care. At long last he has come to realize that as a law student in America and also as an American he is entitled to sue his school for their failure to provide proper accommodation to people with learning disabilities. He hires a lawyer. God Bless America! And say what you will about Albie, at least he's smart enough to not try to represent himself.
Danielle's energist calls. I REFUSE to look up what an energist is and instead direct you to this because you will feel much better than if I tell you what the idle rich women of America spend their money on. Danielle claims that she wants to move forward, but her fear of physical harm at the hands of Teresa, Ashley and Jacqueline is too great. The energist who also doubles as a psychic has real concern about this possibility. She would like to talk to Jacqueline on Danielle's behalf. Brilliant idea, honey.
Teresa decides to break the news to Joe about her fisticuffs with Danielle. She brings a bottle of wine to soothe the savage beast. Before we get to the one-sided bullshit version of the story I have to mention that Joe and Teresa have a very large chessboard in their game room. I should have guessed that they were chess nerds. Can't you just see Joe as a chess club kid in middle school? It's just too bad that Ed Hardy doesn't make a chess set. Yet. Anyway before she tells her tale of woe, Teresa reminds Joe that she is a lady. Then she tells a slanted tale of the event and Teresa and Joe mock Danielle for being scared and crying. Teresa ends her tale by asking Joe if she did good. Joe nods. She did good. Class FTW! God I hate these people.
In the parking lot outside of Posche, Jacqueline who may or may not have been shopping at Kim D.'s stupidly named boutique, gets a phone call from The Energist. Yes, spell check, I know that is a made up word. The Energist describes who she is and what she does and Jacqueline tries to explain to this woman that Danielle is the only thing upsetting her energy. The Energist swears she can help right over the phone, which I guess rules out a blow job. Does Jacqueline want help? Does she want her energy soothed? Jacqueline wearily agrees and then pulls up a game on her iPhone and plays while The Energist tries to work her energy magic. Then The Energist channels positive energy through the phone in to Jacqueline's Range Rover while I slam my head into my laptop over and over again.
Of course Eat Pray Love advertises during this show. Of course! I bet Julia Roberts has an energist, too.
Albie stops by his parents' house to tell him his plan of attack. If the school tosses him out for academic failure, he can't even apply to another school for two years. That's what ticks him off. So his lawyer has suggested he get a letter from his school that will allow him to apply to other schools who are just dying to have an academically questionable student give them $47,000 a year. Caroline, being a good mother, thinks Albie's plan is great and that if he keeps making plans like that he will make a great lawyer, even though the lawyer he paid was actually the person who came up with that plan. Maybe she can take his torts class for him too!
Danielle goes to meet Kim G. at a diner. You know that they are still upset because they are eating cheese-covered carbs in public. Over cheese fries, Danielle reminds Kim G. that she doesn't like to complain about people ...sorry I can't finish that sentence, laughing too hard. Anyway, long story short: Danielle wants to press charges against Ashley, which comes as a surprise to exactly no one.
Jacqueline wants to talk to Ashley about The Big Fight. Ashley is as thick headed as ever and swears that she has every right to do whatever she wants including pulling Danielle's hair for no apparent reason on national television. Ashley is pretty sure that hair pulling along with voting and buying porn are just part of the fun of being 18. Also, putting up nasty things on Facebook. It's her right as an adult! Jacqueline is really regretting dropping Ashley on her head so much as a child. Time to pull out the big guns: Chris wants to talk. When Ashley won't listen to actual reason, he pulls out the financial ones. Who is going to pay for her lawyer when she gets arrested for assault? Ashley shrugs and Jacqueline realizes that the only way Ashley will learn her lesson is to Chris wisely points out that Ashley is just making a crazy person crazier and Danielle is a real life criminal, which is brave new territory for reality television. In sum, Ashley needs to shape up or ship out.
Melissa Locker a.k.a. Lulu Bates lost two of her remaining five brain cells watching this crap. You're welcome. You can follow her on Twitter @woolyknickers.
Want to immediately access TWoP content no matter where you are online? Download the free TWoP toolbar for your web browser. Already have a customized toolbar? Then just add our free toolbar app to get updated on our content as soon it's published.