Watch out New Jersey, Caroline is out on the town with two of her fifty sisters. Yes, her mother had so many old children she didn't know what to do. So in traditional fashion for large families, each of the women has differentiated themselves from the herd via their hair. This is most likely a feeble attempt to pretend they aren't related to each other. So sitting to Caroline's redheaded mom hair, we have Frannie's blond proto-bouffant and Cookie's ashy brown shoulder length bob. I don't know why I am talking about their hair either except for the fact that it is all so remarkably different. What I really should be talking about is their drink orders! You see, Frannie wants a Diet Coke with a shot of red wine in it. While the waiter makes gagging noises, Caroline besmirches an entire culture and claims, "It's an Italian thing," and then accuses the waiter of racism for wanting to barf at the very thought. I know people in Spain and Italy drink such concoctions and people will claim it is a common summertime delight, but, first, Diet Coke is sacred and, second, shut UP.
ANYWAY: Caroline has gathered her flock, because she is so distressed about her beloved golden child Albie, who is flunking out of law school due to NO FAULT OF HIS OWN. Caroline makes sure we all know that Albie didn't actually flunk anything, but managed to maintain a 1.9 GPA, which is practically an even number. Did she mention that he has had a learning disability since junior high school? Did she mention that? I have a theory about Albie and law school: Albie would make a shite lawyer, not because of his learning disability, but because he is obviously missing something about the Great American Legal System. I mean, what first year law student in the history of first year law students DOES NOT ONCE THREATEN TO SUE THE SCHOOL FOR DISCRIMINATION? This ignorance on his part is practically unforgivable. When I was in law school (don't laugh, I have the student loans to prove it) my entire first semester was spent spotting potential torts and manufacturing impending lawsuits. You see candles on a staircase, law students see potential joint and several liability. Hell, one of my classmates got out of one of those infernal Gevalia Coffee contracts through arguing 1L contract law to the sales manager.
My point is that if Albie Manzo has not once considered suing the goddamn law school for failure to live up to its obligations to a student with a substantiated learning disability, HE IS NOT PAYING ATTENTION. This is called "issue spotting" and it's the way ambulance chasers know when they have a case. Caroline Manzo tears up as she tells her sisters about her son's valiant struggle and sweat of the brow and how she can't save him, but can hug and kiss and love him and squeeze him and call him George. Aww...I bet Albie really wishes Caroline would charge in there and knock some of the dean's heads together, but she's too busy shaving her face. Priorities, Caroline!
Jacqueline and Teresa sit patiently at a restaurant for some manufactured drama to commence. They are meeting one of the Kims for a bitch n' stitch (minus the stitch, because why sew when you shop?). Obviously the subject of the session is Danielle because these women have nothing better to do than complain about a woman they would never have to see except that they signed up to do this idiotic reality show. As Kim D. finally arrives at the overly upholstered restaurant, Teresa reminds us that she doesn't want any Danielle drama in her life, except, you know, for the fact that she is contractually obligated to and she can't quit the show like Dina because SHE NEEDS THE MONEY. Kim D. reminds the ladies that she is fake friends with Danielle because she really wants to be on this show. Then she bad mouths her a little bit, contorts her lifted and tucked face into a cackle and then invites the ladies to a girl's night out and, oh by the way, Danielle will be there. Jacqueline isn't so sure it would be a good idea to go, but Teresa points out they were INVITED and thinks Kim D. would be offended if they don't show up. Teresa, how would you know if Kim D. was offended? Would she hastily erase her normal eyebrows and apply her "angry" ones to glare at you? Teresa still claims it would be nice to go and support their fake friend for the viewing public's general amusement. Also, ratings.
In case you were concerned: Danielle's rack has recovered nicely from her square tit recovery surgery. Now you can sleep at night! Danielle is all bundled up and in a tizzy and hurtling herself towards Kim D.'s supposedly luxe boutique in a strip mall to a Big Lots store to confront her fake friend for inviting some far more popular women to a marketing event. How dare she invite customers to her fashion show! Doesn't she understand how this will affect Danielle?
Danielle marches into the store in full tantrum mode and is wildly unimpressed with her greeting by the store's lone employee. Danielle doesn't take unenthused retail service lightly, so she marches back into the store and loudly asks the woman to have Kim D. call her. She does not leave her name AND WHY SHOULD SHE? SHE IS A PAYING CUSTOMER! NOT THIS TIME! BUT ON OCCASION SHE HAS MADE PURCHASES! ON CREDIT! BUT STILL! The customer service representative remains unmoved, but Danielle flips off the camera so we know what she will be saying on her comment card. When Kim D. returns to the store, she immediately calls Danielle. Danielle won't listen to reason. She is absolutely certain that Kim D. assigned her bored employee the sole task of acting like a bored employee in Danielle's general direction. Danielle KNOWS Kim D. psychically knew that Danielle was coming to the store and disappeared so Danielle would have to interact with the help. This is an affront Danielle cannot stomach! Especially after that last tummy tuck. But fear not, Kim D.! Danielle has a solution: She will save the friendship by never shopping at her store again. Problem solved! La di dah! Danielle tromps off in a glow of knowing that she did the Right Thing and saved the friendship. Later Danielle makes it clear that she didn't want Kim D. to know that she was hurt that she invited Teresa and Jacqueline to the show, so this was a far better way to handle the situation. Holy hell, Danielle is full on bat shit crazy and if she's not she is going to have to have a long talk with the editing department.
Caroline has the sads over her empty nest. Albert suggests she gets a job, but um... no. So she counter suggests that he quit his. He blinks at her twice to indicate no. Then Caroline DEMANDS that Albert retire, but he won't do it. He does offer to buy her lunch though.
Ashley stops by Kim D.'s store because Kim D. wants her to model in the Posche fashion show. Ashley gets some clothes thrown at her and then confesses that she has always thought of modeling as a viable career option because she is tall. And apparently that is the only requirement. (Don't tell Tyra!) Ashley wonders why Danielle's actual model daughter isn't walking the runway in a New Jersey catering hall. Hmm... maybe because Christine's an actual model with an actual agent and an actual contract with IMG? Maybe? Ashley views her Posche modeling job as some sort of victory over Danielle. Whatever you need to tell yourself sweet pea!
Teresa and Jacqueline are trying to lose some baby weight, but they give up and drink wine. Teresa reminds us that she has a lot of sex with Joe, so if riding a slab of mortadella counts as cardio, she is totally good.
Obviously Kim D. can't lose her valuable friendship with Danielle. And Danielle is ready to move on, too. She is so full of positivity and light and happy places that she can't focus on negativity, she's too busy! Doing stuff! Like storming in to stores and yelling at underpaid employees for daring to be on the phone in her presence! Kim D. begs Danielle to please come to her fashion show. It's at a country club! Danielle agrees to come to the show, but the second she hangs up with Kim D. she laughs that Kim D. has no idea the amount of crazy she just invited to her fashion show. I don't think Danielle is that self aware, so I assume she is talking about the "other" Danielle. The crazy one she sees in the mirror late at night after too many Skinny Girl margaritas and some failed phone sex with a plate of Jimmy Dean sausages she calls Danny. Danielle reminds us that since the fashion show will be held in Wayne, New Jersey, her home base, she knows she will be safe. No one would hurt her in Wayne! It may be a 20-minute drive from Franklin Lakes to Wayne, but it's a whole different world in Wayne. It's Wayne's world. Oof... sorry.
Jacqueline and Teresa are continuing on their road to losing their baby weight by drinking something called a Butter Baby. Want the recipe? Of course you do. Here it is courtesy of Jacqueline's tweet: "Butter baby is equal parts( 1 shot each) of Baily's, butterscotch snapps and milk over ice. Yummmmmm!!!" Obviously, sic. Also, sick. Also also, clearly dietetic.
Caroline arrives at the Manse and Jacqueline fixes her a shot before telling her the big news: The shots have 2600 calories each! And they are going to a fashion show and Danielle will be there! Whee! Caroline points out that there are two possible outcomes for this event: Danielle will be all sweetness and bluebirds and unicorns (unicorns, motherfuckers!) because there is an audience OR she will rain down hellfire, brimstone, and square-titted fury. Either way, win win! Jacqueline lays out the other thorny issues: Kim D. is sitting with her and Teresa, Kim G. is sitting with Danielle, Danielle does not know that Kim G. and Jacqueline drink spritzers at the manicurist together. Final problem: Ashley is modeling and Danielle may be seething with envy that her precious Christine is too busy modeling Prada in Milan to bother showing up at the North Jersey Country Club. Danielle might use her jailhouse lessons to make a shiv out of a teaspoon and take Ashley down. These are the things a New Jersey mother has to worry about! Caroline tells Jacqueline to mother up and bring one of her husband's semi-automatic weapons just in case, for sporting purposes. Jacqueline is still having doubts about going, but Caroline reminds her to live her country club fashion show life and don't let Danielle ruin that for her! Because life without New Jersey fashion shows is a life NOT WORTH LIVING.
Kim G. shows up at Danielle's house, but, AWKWARD! She forgot her pants. No really, it's a fifty something woman wearing a sparkly shirt and boots. Danielle is wearing high high heels because she won't be doing any running. Kim G. totally catches that double entendre and Kim G. promises that Danielle will be as supported as her derriere in double layer Spanx. They hug and I avert my eyes to avoid seeing any more of Kim G.'s ass than I already have. Good lord woman put on some damn pants!
Over at the country club, Ashley is bragging about her foray into modeling. She is totally willing to sacrifice either her music management or fashion merchandising career to be a model. She's tall! She can't possibly deprive the fashion world of her height. Or her very round, soon-to-be Pro Active spokesmodel face. Ashley hopes she doesn't trip! Because then Danielle would win! Ashley has strict orders from her mother not to engage with Danielle on any level, which sounds like pretty boring television to me!
It's fashion show time! Kim G. and her event designer have done up the place in hot pink and black like it's the backdrop to a Jem and the Holograms reunion tour. Kim G. walks around barking orders at people and making sure everyone sees her new boobs. She settles at her table to Jacqueline and Teresa because they are the most famous people in the room and wants to make sure people think she is famous too. Jacqueline and Teresa have both opted to wear mini jackets made from the fur of baby animals. Teresa is wearing the hand-stitched skins of chinchillas that she bought from Kim G.'s store, while Jacqueline is wearing a seal pup Chris clubbed to death during his last hunting trip to the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge. Kim G. swears they are all going to have SO much fun even though she invited Danielle. Teresa doesn't quite get WHY she invited Danielle when she claims to dislike her so much, but Jacqueline gets it. Kim G. is a famewhore. Duh.
Danielle finally arrives with a bohunk of a bodyguard who has pinkysworn not to call anyone a faggot like Jailbird Danny. Danielle and Kim D. sit down and immediately notice that Kim G. has both Jacqueline and Teresa at her table. Danielle assumes this was an attempt at treachery by Teresa and Jacqueline, not a shot at fame for Kim G. Danielle can't stand the rude! Other Danielle might have to come out! You wouldn't like Other Danielle!
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Caroline and Albert are missing the excitement because it is Date Night. A sacred event in the Manzo household. Albert wants Caroline to know that her moodiness has been noted and he will make an effort to work ten hours a day instead of twelve. Will that shut her up already? Caroline smiles appreciatively.
Back at the North Jersey Country Club, the fashion show gets underway. Danielle is making her opinion known by not clapping and pretending she's on the phone. She learned it from Paris Hilton! Oh Danielle, even you must realize that when you are taking etiquette tips from Paris Hilton you have reached a new low. When Danielle sees Ashley in the show, she knows that this is war. Then Ashley waves at her and Danielle glowers and rallies her troops. Everyone compares the situation to high school, which apparently they all missed because they continue acting like a bunch of hormonally-ravaged teenage girls. Teresa takes things to the level by staking out the hallway and waiting for Danielle. When Jacqueline asks her why she would possibly think this would be a good idea, Teresa thinks it was all "too high school" and thought it was FAR more mature to lay in wait for Danielle and bait her into a fight. So Teresa sits in her chinchilla coat and shouts hello at Danielle as she walks by. Danielle gives her a well-deserved "WTF?" look and Teresa responds with a "What? You won't say hi?" And then the fun starts. But we don't get to see the fun. We have had too much fun this episode. Bravo is cutting us off for our own good. We can't handle any more fun! So the fun starts week. Sigh.
Melissa Locker a.k.a. Lulu Bates is putting her law degree to great use and getting a restraining order to prevent further Diet Coke abuse. You can follow her on Twitter @woolyknickers.
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