Teresa, Teresa, Teresa. Karma is a bitch and if you spend all your time bragging about how much money you spend on your precious angels and their ATV needs, eventually the economic downturn will come a-callin'. If you haven't seen the news, it turns out that the granite and marble business doesn't pay nearly as well as one would suspect. In fact, in recent court documents, Joe Giudice claims to only make $3,250 a month salary from the interior decorative rock business. And since Teresa spends that much on tutus for her little ballerina troupe, Joe has been taking over $10,000 a month in loans from his family. I think we can all agree that this "family" is probably more cosa nostra than Addams Family. Yet even the most supportive family can't sustain this sort of tithing and obviously something has to give. So the Giudices filed for bankruptcy protection. They claim to make only $79,000 a year, which is a lot for some people, but clearly can't support the Nieman Marcus-pink limousine-Armani jean shorts-Gucci stemware-mini ATV-granite-encrusted palace lifestyle. The Giudices have been living so beyond their means that they owe a whopping $11 million to various creditors and the marble mausoleum they call home has been foreclosed on. Take a breath and yell: ELEVEN MILLION!???!!!! What is wrong with these people? Where is Susan Powter to yell: STOP THE PINK LIMOUSINE INSANITY. But wait! According to the court documents, THEY DIDN'T ACTUALLY PAY FOR THE PINK LIMOUSINE. Nor for their Escalade, their $1.7 million home, nor for the fertility clinic. Personally I thought Joe was a one-man Ed Hardy-wearing fertility clinic, but just like everything else on this show, Joe's virility is a CHARADE. And now they owe $12,000 to a fertility clinic. Anyway, it's all rather revolting considering Teresa spent half of last episode gloating over how much money she threw at her daughters to make them happy.
Teresa is taking Gia to an audition in the hopes that maybe baby can foot the bills for a while. Gia is strangely not that excited to be trying out for a part in a Christian Slater movie. Gosh, Gia might actually be on to something with that, since poor Christina Slater hasn't been in a successful movie since he was cast in an uncredited role in Austin Freaking Powers. So Teresa, lie to yourself all you want that this is a great part for your little Gypsy Rose, but DON'T THINK YOU'RE FOOLING US. We're on to you, missy! Teresa drives Gia to her audition and then sits in the waiting room whipping out her penis and measuring it with all the other parents. While Teresa is boasting about Gia's brilliance, inside the audition, Gia is flailing. Ha ha ha! Look! What Teresa is saying doesn't match reality! Ha ha ha!
Over at The Brownstone, the Manzos and their competent staff are showing off their business acumen and wearing gloves when they put decoratively-shaped pats of butter on plates and bowing to every whim of their wackadoodle guests and doing whatever they can to show that they are consummate professionals who would never not ever throw out an esteemed guest. Not even if that esteemed guest is Danielle Staub. Not even if Danielle showed up with a motorcycle gang at a charity event and didn't pay for any of them. NOT EVEN THEN. Their family business is above it all. They put on classy events. And did you see their decorative butter pats?
It's pedicure time for the ladies of Franklin Lakes. Jacqueline is just trying to get her nails did (with sparkles!) while the baby naps, but that pesky Kim G. has a simultaneous appointment and insists on talking. About Danielle! And The Brownstone! Man, I thought The Chateau Day Spa was neutral territory and she who cannot be named would, you know, NOT BE NAMED. I guess Kim G. has not read her bylaws recently. Jacqueline thinks her wailing baby has saved her from the AWKWARD, but no: Kim G. insists on talking about her side of the event. Kim G. explains that she was shocked and embarrassed and really uncomfortable at Danielle's behavior and at that, Jacqueline busts up laughing, because: Duh, Kim G. Duh. Danielle is a nut-covered cheeseball with extra nuts! You hang out with her while she is storming the Manzos citadel and you are bound to get some wrinkles in your Botox-smooth visage.
Meanwhile, while Kim G. is getting pedicured with the enemy, Danielle is explaining that her bestie Kim G. is throwing her her first "adult" birthday party. The ladies are getting their hair done with their at-home stylists when Kim G. quietly asks if Danielle invited her little felon friend Danny to be her escort. Danielle says no, but she is already suspicious and you can see her hackles are up. So when Kim G. mentions that she really didn't appreciate Danielle's choice of escort to the event at The Brownstone. She also didn't appreciate Danny calling her son's best friend, Chris Manzo, a faggot. Danielle doesn't defend the word (she's a gay ADVOCATE! Also, a tranny), but she does defend Danny's right to call him that name because Chris is not, in fact, gay. Who knew Danielle was a logician, right? I mean, did you check out the logic on her? As Kim G. continues to explain that she felt uncomfortable and degraded by the whole scene and didn't like being affiliated with anyone calling her son's best friend a rotten name, Danielle does something miraculous. No, she doesn't accept responsibility and apologize. Danielle? Please. Instead she figures out a way to blame the Manzos for getting their son called a pejorative! How so, you might ask? Because they sent poor little Chris into the line of fire by letting him play valet. Clearly negligent parenting! Call the state! Get that kid in foster care! Danielle is a marvel of denial, pretense, and self-absorption. Thanks to all the Botox holding her face in place, Kim G. manages to not laugh uproariously at this and merely puts a stop to the conversation by reminding Danielle that they have a party to get to. A party she is throwing for her best friend Danielle! At the party, Kim G.'s mother wants a word with Danielle. But Danielle is not interested in talking, she wants everyone around her to draw lines, pick sides and only say mean things about the Manzos! IT'S HER BIRTHDAY WISH! Everyone has to comply! Kim G. tries to point out that Chris is her son's best friend, but soon realizes the futility and just starts drinking more. Inside, Danielle toasts their everlasting friendship while telling the confessional that she's not so sure about Kim G. Honey, I am pretty sure that feeling is mutual.
Dina may not have a career, but this does not mean she does not need an assistant for all her charity work. Her assistant does what every good assistant should do and agrees with everything Dina says, including nodding vehemently when Dina says she is going to go talk to Danielle. Oh yeah! Good choice! Great move, Dina! If someone is a negative influence, chaotic force, and just called your nephew a gay slur, why not sit down to tea for two with her? That definitely will remove all the negativity from your life. Choices, Dina, choices.
Teresa and Gia get called into the principal's office at her modeling agency to talk about a big problem: Her Jersey Accent. No, that's not the name of a new Ben Affleck film, it's a real Situation (see what I did there?). Teresa doesn't get it. What accent? I don't hear any accent. The agent pats Teresa on the head, tells her that Gia didn't get the Christian Slater movie (sob! He could have used the publicity!) and holds out her hand for a check for the Dialect Coach she has on retainer downstairs. Without waiting for the check to clear (stupid! stupid!) Gia goes to meet the coach. They then spend a futile hour of their lives trying to exorcise Gia's accent. When Gia fails miserably at the task, Teresa announces that Gia "doesn't want to" rid herself of the accent. Probably the same way she "doesn't want to" do math. She's going to be a star! She can pay someone to talk for her.
Over at Danielle's, Danielle is pretending she is not obsessed with the Manzos by talking to her dog about how much she is over the Manzos. Hey Danielle! I don't think it's working. Danielle then explains that Ashley, Jacqueline's computer-savvy, social media conscious, apparently bored daughter has spent a lot of her spare time crafting "We Hate Danielle" websites. Kids these days! But, really, why does Ashley hate Danielle? And why does she have so much free time? Doesn't she have some music management and/or fashion merchandising and/or impregnating to be getting to? Anyway, Danielle can't wait to tell Kim G. on her. Danielle claims she feels threatened by Ashley's behavior and Kim G. tells her to go to the police. How exciting!
Jacqueline is late to meet Teresa, which is clearly cause for alarm. Teresa asks what's up and Jacqueline explains that Danielle is telling everyone that Ashley sent her threatening messages and she is going to have her arrested. Jacqueline decides that while they are sitting in the fancy white-tablecloth restaurant, she is going to confront Ashley over some nice bowls of soup. Hopefully Teresa won't flip any tables, but no guarantees! Jacqueline admits that she knew about the "I Hate Danielle" Facebook page and she hopes that Ashley didn't actually threaten Danielle. When Ashley arrives, Jacqueline asks her and Ashley denies it all. But by the end of the conversation, Ashley confesses to texting Danielle that she is going to hell and Jacqueline tut tuts, but doesn't scold her or scream, "DO NOT ENGAGE!" but probably because she hasn't watched enough Star Trek.
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Danielle has decided that the cure for Jailbird Danny's potty mouth is a new suit. Nothing like new togs to make a man a man and not a felon. I think I saw that embroidered on a pillow once. Is Danny's constant presence a sign that Danielle is embracing her ex-con past and is now being open and candid about her prior convictions? Or is she REALLY actually paranoid that the Manzos will try something? Can someone start slipping Danielle some Thorazine in her Diet Coke? Anyway, much to Danielle's surprise, Dina calls to set up a tete-a-tete for that evening. Danielle is in shock. Danny is in shock. Danny's thug friend is in shock. Danielle agrees to the meet-and-greet, only after ensuring that Danny and his friend are available for kneecap breaking and window smashing, if need be. Danielle optimistically thinks Dina is calling to apologize, which is so sweetly sadly delusional that you kind of want to give her hug, but then you remember she's wearing a creepy raccoon fur vest and then you don't want to hug her anymore.
Ashley confides in her boyfriend Derek that her mom is mad at her about texting Danielle. Derek rightly points out that Danielle is a 16 year old trapped in a 40-year old body. (Ha ha, 40! Try 60, you loveable lug!) Then Jacqueline calls irate that Ashley posted on Facebook that Danielle has a warrant out for her arrest and demanding that Ashley take it off immediately. Ashley can't believe her mother is so insistent, but then (shocker! Brace yourself!) DEREK AGREES WITH JACQUELINE. He thinks Ashley should just knock it off, stay away from Danielle, leave her be, do not engage. OH MY GOD, DEREK IS THE VOICE OF REASON ON THIS SHOW! Ashley is snippy, but does everything Derek tells her to, which in hindsight is probably a good thing.
Caroline and Albert are meat shopping. Correction: Ham shopping. Can't keep those cold cuts in the house for some reason! They have invited Jacqueline, Chris, Ashley, Derek, Teresa, and EVERYONE. Except Dina. Caroline thinks Dina meeting Danielle is a bad idea, but she won't let her concern interfere with her veal parm dinner.
Danielle is expecting an apology for her family's constant harassment, while Dina claims that she wants no part of Danielle's insanity WHILE FULLY ENGAGING THE INSANITY. Choices, woman!
Teresa and her co-debtor, Joe, finally arrive at Caroline's house in time for the pasta course. Ashley brings up the only topic of conversation available to her while she tries to choose between fashion merchandising and music management, namely: Danielle. She tells everyone about the text war with Danielle, but claims Danielle started it by saying she was fat and needed to lose arm girth. Ashley then explains that she wrote back saying Danielle needed to fix her "square tit", which makes me suddenly and completely TEAM ASHLEY! Square tit, indeed. The whole table busts up at that because IT IS THE BEST THING EVER SAID. Caroline later explains that she admires Ashley's motivations, but she needs to work on her delivery. Her delivery? SQUARE TIT, Caroline, SQUARE TIT! Delivery does not get any better than that! Someone then tells Joe that Danielle's friend called Chris a faggot, which Teresa finds interesting since Danielle harangued Joe for calling something "gay". She points out that faggot is a "gay slur" while "gay" is just a word. She recommends that Danielle look it up in a dictionary. She would look it up for her, but her dictionary got repossessed ALONG WITH HER HOUSE. Also, I highly recommend Teresa watch Kirk's dad's speech from Glee, where he points out how hateful the word "gay" is. Words hit as hard as a fist, Teresa! Caroline collapses in exhaustion about talking about Danielle. Oh we are ALL so with you. Although I have no idea what this show would do if there were no Danielle dramaz. HAM FIGHT!
Meanwhile, Danielle and Dina are heading to their crescendo. Dina has suggested they meet on the neutral territory of a local wine bar, which is luckily abandoned so no one (especially the health department) has to witness the impending shit storm. When Dina arrives, Danielle asks if she is hungry, but Dina doesn't think she will be there long enough to eat. No she's only there to chuck the furniture around, throw some wine and make the restaurant wish they had never volunteered for this free publicity. Dina explains that she is not there to attack Danielle, because this is not about Danielle, but about Dina. Dina reminds Danielle that she forgave her, but her forgiveness was conditioned on the fact that Danielle would stay away. And Danielle is not living up to her end of the bargain. So she has called Danielle today to tell her that she wants nothing to do with her anymore. Danielle rightly points out the ludicrous nature of this visit. I mean, who invites someone to dinner to tell them they never want to see them again? Who does that? Oh right: reality television stars. Danielle gets louder as the paramount stupidity of Dina's meeting becomes clear so Dina shushes her. SHE SHUSHES HER. Danielle does not abide shushing! If you shush Danielle, she gets louder! Such shushing WILL NOT STAND! But we have to wait until week to see how much will not stand. That's right, the big drama is TO BE CONTINUED.
Melissa Locker a.k.a. Lulu Bates is making sure all of Teresa's checks clear before saying anything nice about her. You can follow her on Twitter @woolyknickers.
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