Teresa and bouncing bundle of baby Burberry are finally getting discharged from the hospital. Obviously the baby is swaddled to the point of mummification in pink. Even though he would have preferred a little testosterone-producing boy, Joe gets all gooey eyed when cradling his baby and immediately demands that they have at least eight more kids. Make it an even dozen of Baby Phat and Ed Hardy customers. Teresa is pretty sure she is done having kids. Her four girls are more than enough to rule the pageant circuit for years to come. She wants Joe to get the big V. That's right, a vasectomy. Joe, well, Joe doesn't exactly react, but he does mutter, no. Then he tries to mate with her some more. Even though she is wearing an oversized pink fleece headband. Men! The Giudices pull up to their Jersey chateau and little girls dressed in head to toe pink start spilling out of the house to greet their new baby sister and start chanting "One of Us! One of Us!" while I recoil in horror. Obviously Teresa wants the girls to admire the baby's outfit, which is a newborn-sized tutu and princess socks. Dina pipes in to ask, "Who wouldn't want to be Teresa's daughter?" And 95% of the world's population raises their hand, tilting the world slightly on its axis, causing us to lose another two minutes of daylight. Thanks a lot, Teresa.
Danielle is meeting one of her putative friends Kim G. (not to be confused with Kim Gordon or Kim Deal or Rudyard Kipling's "Kim") at a local wine bar. Danielle is wrapped in half a baby otter that she either trapped, slaughtered, and tanned at home or swiped from the IMG Model Management closet. Danielle reminds us that she loves little babies and especially little cancer babies and would do ANYTHING for them. Well, anything except simply donate a check to the charity and not cause a ruckus by showing up at the Manzos place of business. Anything else, though. Danielle has asked Kim G. to escort her to the Brownstone and Kim G. apparently has severe mental side effects from all the Botox she injected in her face, because she agrees to this plan. Oh Kim G., Caroline Manzo is totally going to ham fight your ass for this.
Over at Caroline's house, the whole family is awaiting the arrival of John G., who, yes, is the fruit of Kim G.'s loins. John G. is practically part of the Manzo family, but this does not mean that Kim G. and Mama Manzo are anything other than polite acquaintances. At least that's how Caroline puts it at first, but after Chris chucks some ham at her head, she admits that Kim G. invited her to lunch and she said no, which does not sound particularly polite. Caroline swears she did it because she didn't want to impede on the friendship between the boys, but it's really because she is friends with Danielle. Good fucking god, grow up, woman. At the dining room table, Caroline blathers on some more about how she just loves the boys, but in the confessional it's all Danielle all the time. Can someone hit her with some more ham please? Or fuck it, a whole salami.
Fairy godmother Dina stops by Teresa's granite palace to see the baby. Teresa sits her down and announces that she really needs Dina to start drinking. Otherwise she won't be able to trust her with the baby. Yeah, I get that. Dina laughs that if this Danielle situation doesn't settle down, she might have to start hitting the hooch with the other ladies. Hold up. What Danielle situation? NOTHING HAS HAPPENED. All you know is that Danielle is considering coming to a charity event at your catering hall and event space. Why is this so shocking? It's not shocking! IT'S BORING. Also, Dina? Last week you said you wanted to have a sit down with Danielle, so why all the dramaz now?
Once Dina is settled in the confessional cam, you can see that she is looking a little nip/tucky. Dina and Teresa sit and chat about how last season Danielle was so crazycakes and how she needs help and is an evil ho bag. Isn't it fun just sitting around and pretending that something dramatic and enervating is happening when it isn't? Seriously, were last season's antics the most exciting thing to ever happen to Franklin Lakes, New Jersey? Is Danielle's existence bringing down your property values? Is this why you hate her so much? Move on ladies! But, of course, they don't. So despite the fact that just last week she called a meeting with Caroline and Jacqueline to tell them she wants to have a sit down with Danielle so she can get rid of all the bad energy in her life, Dina rails against Danielle and her problems. Dina probably got a scolding by the producers and was told to get on Team Manzo or get off the show. So here she is ranting about the evil of Danielle. I mean, clearly, Danielle has issues, but watching four grown women pick on someone they don't like for an hour a week does not make scintillating television. In fact: Yawn.
Albie Manzo decides to step into the big brother role with Ashley, Jacqueline's daughter. Albie sits at the head of a table at a local restaurant and grills Ashley and her boyfriend Derek about their intentions. Ashley swears that she is making good decisions and is on birth control and everything, but yeah they have talked about marriage even though they have only been dating seven months. But Derek is an older man (a ripe old 23 to Ashley's 18) and Albie has concerns about this arrangement. As future consigliere, he must be heeded and, perhaps paid a small honorarium or tribute, if you will, for his advice. Lauren Manzo is at the table, too, but not Chris because he is not allowed in public too often. She makes a toast to the future of Derek and Ashley.
Speaking of the future of Derek and Ashley, Jacqueline stops by Derek's mother's house. She brings a bouquet to smooth the path. Also, wine, because, duh. The most shocking thing to come out of the meeting is that Ashley occasionally cleans around the house. Jacqueline almost faints, but luckily there is a reviving glass of vino around. The ladies get saucy on the couch waiting for the kids to come home. Hey Jacqueline: Drink 'til she's cute! Neither Chris nor the producers nor the little baby Jesus will mind, although you might want to save it for sweeps.
Albert is overseeing party preparations at The Brownstone and wants to talk to Chris about the situation for no apparent reason whatsoever. Chris settles into a chair across from Albert's desk and listens while Albert reminds him that Danielle is coming to the party and she is a guest. The end. Dear editing team, I'm pretty sure that two minutes could have been cut. Thanks! Caroline adds that Albert is a professional and she is not worried. Okay then, neither am I.
It's Gia's 9th birthday and she is ready to party. She flings open the door and a stream of little girls bearing pink gifts spills into the marble-lined foyer. Seriously it looks like someone vomited up a Barbie doll. Teresa explains that they are hosting a spa party for the girls and they are getting their hair and nails done. Also, they are going on a limo ride. Just then an enormous pink-wrapped Sweet and Sassy limousine pulls into the driveway and is instantly mobbed by the little girls who start trying to break down the windows to get inside. Just then a giant pick up truck appears on the driveway and Teresa screeches at Gia to close her eyes because her birthday present has arrived! Gia squeals the minute she sees the precious cargo: Her own ATV! Just what every nine-year old needs!
Gia jumps on and starts revving the engine and takes her sister for a spin up and down the driveway. Yes, my grandchildren, you have no air to breathe, because Gia Giudice needed a PINK LIMOUSINE AND AN ATV FOR HER BIRTHDAY. Maybe all the other presents are pink-wrapped carbon offsets? The pink limousine filled with little girlies screaming like fucking Justin "Trending Topic" Bieber is sitting to them pulls up at the Sweet and Sassy party palace. The girls all get facials and manicures while Teresa pats herself on the back for being rich. She then adds that, "Teresa only raises divas, not tomboys." God I hope her daughters all become lesbians. Or drag queens.
Kim G. pulls up to Danielle's house so they can fluff for the charity event at The Brownstone. As Danielle prattles on about her nervousness over invading the Manzos' turf, Kim G. rather rationally points out that no one (meaning no one but Danielle) would disrupt a fundraiser for a little baby fighting cancer. Kim G. swears she has her back, but Danielle has a better insurance plan: Her other bestie jailbird Danny is coming too. While Danielle and Kim G. are dressed in lovely outfits, Danny is fittingly dressed in jeans and a black t-shirt, which I guess are his Sunday best jeans and t-shirt. Danny offhandedly makes a comment about being able to drink in six days and Kim G. oh so innocently asks why and he proudly states: Parole. Suspicions are slowly starting to sink in to Kim G.'s addlepated brain. Then we get a montage of Ashley and Jacqueline spouting rumors and hearsay about who this guy Danny is and what he did to wind up in prison. Light assault with a hammer (note: not HAM) and maybe a RICO indictment or two. Don't worry, Kim G., he's a family man, albeit in a Cosa Nostra kind of way.
Lest you think Joe is not a bad ass, cut to him at the tattoo parlor adding the newest addition to his shoulder tat. With his four daughters' names proudly wrapped in roses (but sadly no unicorns or sparkles) and displayed on his considerable deltoid, Joe can't help but make one more plea for another little bebe. Teresa puts her foot down, but Joe makes a pouty face and offers diamonds and Louis Vuitton and ponies for the girls.
Jacqueline, Teresa, and Caroline are sitting around Caroline's kitchen sipping daiquiris (takes an hour to spell and 20 minutes to drink) and swapping beauty secrets. Pursuant to the conversation of whether to Botox or not, but truly pursuant to NOTHING: Caroline confesses that SHE SHAVES HER ENTIRE FACE EVERYDAY. Jacqueline and Teresa stare at her and then burst into laughter so uproarious that Teresa pops her stitches. I mean, WHAT? Frankly this explains a lot about Caroline. Caroline swears the shaving is for exfoliating purposes, but, um...what? Do they not have face scrubs in New Jersey? And how did she decide this was a good idea? What happens if she stops shaving? Does she get cheek and forehead stubble? Truly there is no end to the questions this raises. Jacqueline and Teresa just try not to spill their cocktails and Teresa gets a hold of herself long enough to change the subject. Teresa wants to know why Danielle is going to The Brownstone. This opens a big old can of Danielle trash talking although Dina adds via confessional that Danielle is an invited guest and will be treated like any other invited guest. Caroline Man Face Manzo has other ideas: She told her sons to stay far far away from Danielle and set up a strict "Do Not Engage" policy kind of like with the Balkans.
Over at The Brownstone, the charity event is getting underway. Apparently a gun and hunt club is actually putting on the event and giving the money to the poor little cancer baby. Danielle, Danny, and Kim G. are in a Bentley on the way to the event, which is way classier (and more expensive) than I thought Danielle was capable of. Head Valet Chris Manzo steps back as soon as he realizes who is in the car, but that just means more room for Danielle to greet the entourage Jailbird Danny arranged for her. It's a motley assortment of Hell's Angels, ex-cons and local thugs, who are all undoubtedly there to make a contribution to the charity. Man Face Manzo shakes her head in disgust and, yeah, I kind of agree. Danielle then finally admits that this whole thing is a big Fuck You to the Manzos. Points for honesty, I guess. Then she swears that she is correcting her life and doing whatever she can to save little cancer babies. Well, anything except PAY FOR HER GUESTS.
Yes, unfortunately, it appears that Danielle neglected to pay for her entourage, nor did she RSVP that they were coming. As an honored guest (at least in her own mind) she felt she was entitled to bring 20 extra people. Oh honey, no, this is not Studio 54, it's a fundraiser for a little girl who has cancer. Grow up. Since no one in the gun club (who was throwing the event) or at The Brownstone (who was hosting the event) knew that Danielle was coming with the entire cast of Sons of Anarchy in tow, they had no idea to set up a table for them. Obviously Danielle takes this as a personal affront.
As Jailbird Danny paces the floor hollering at the staff and threatening to raise hell (at a fundraiser for a little girl with cancer, natch) unless they get seated and some breadsticks and a fucking lemon slice in their water in the five minutes, Danielle decides to go talk to the mother of the little baby with cancer and explain that the Manzos hate her and are personally killing her baby. Then Danielle wanders around the banquet hall explaining to everyone within earshot that this entire kerfuffle is all the Manzos' fault and she is going to leave WITH DIGNITY before her entourage tears up the place. With the cameras rolling and 8% of the 18-49 demographic watching. Kim G., who actually does seem kind of classy, gives the family a check and wishes them all the best. By the way, according to this article, Danielle only raised $300 for the family. By the way, Jacqueline tweeted that article link three times yesterday, so she really wanted us to all know this (or she doesn't know how to use Twitter). I am pretty sure this makes me squarely Team Not Danielle.
Downstairs, Danielle tells Danny that Chris said they were in for "a surprise" and Danny starts in on a cussing blue streak that causes Kim G. a great deal of consternation. So much consternation, in fact, that she manages to raise her eyebrows a half an inch to arch in surprise. Outside of The Brownstone, Danny is still muttering about wanting to cause problems, but darn it all to heck, he still has six more days of parole. He makes veiled threats towards Albert (who is watching them from the foyer) and then to Chris. Kim G. finally admits that Chris is her son's best friend and maybe it would be better not to beat him to a pulp in her presence. It might tarnish the boys' friendship. Danny sulks when he hears that. Then Jacqueline -- who was not there --jumps in to talk about how Danielle is troubled and likes to cause scenes. Clearly this is all true, but Jacqueline was not there. Can I get a witness? Oh I can? Thanks.
Chris Manzo is trying to get a timeline of events and his staff all swears that they were doing their best to accommodate Danielle and her doubtful guests, but it wasn't good enough. Outside Danielle is getting in her car and telling everyone she can including her driver (god, she talks to the help, too? does her tackiness know no bounds?) about how the Manzos personally kicked her out. Do you think Danielle will watch this episode at home and realize her errors? That maybe bringing an entourage of felons and Hell's Angels to a charity event and not even paying for their admission is maybe a little out of line? Hahahahahahhhaaaaaaaaaaaaahahhahahaha. As if.
If you want to contribute to the little girl's cancer treatments, go here and enjoy the song. If you want to buy some carbon offsets and save the polar bears, go here.
Melissa Locker a.k.a. Lulu Bates is writing this recap in leopard print and pearls. You can follow her on Twitter @woolyknickers.