Oh, good, tonight's episode starts with Danielle. She's always good for some drama. ...Or, for talking about real estate and the overwhelming awesomeness of Danielle's green marble bathroom and... well, bidets, which are, of course, "super super important". When the realtor opens a closet and gets trapped under a cascade of L'eggs, Sun In and fake gold jewelry, Danielle mentions that she doesn't have time to clean closets, what with 21 rooms to take care of in her mansion. Then Danielle spends some time bad-mouthing her ex, who hasn't bothered to keep up with molding repairs, nail holes in the walls, and bidet maintenance what with not living there anymore. Dick. Then she makes the realtor feel all kinds of awkward by crying in front of her because the house has lost half a million in value since the divorce settlement. She wants to move on with her life, no, really, why don't you believe her? But she can't until she makes up for her real estate losses. Dina helpfully pipes in that she feels really bad for Danielle's daughters. No, really, why don't you believe her? Then Danielle cries some more and mentions that she wants to move on.
Caroline and Jacqueline are waiting for Teresa, who is late to lunch. They call and she swears she is pulling out of her driveway, but she's running late because she has to 4-wheel it over a mountain of party dresses, tap shoes and Joe, who is trying to pull her out of her dress and trying to get some nookie. She finally arrives looking every bit of nine months pregnant and squeezed like a salami into a pink paisley dress. Obviously, she talks about her sex life with Joe, because nothing complements a nice pear and arugula salad like talking about being manhandled by your meatpie of a husband. She didn't get on top last night! TMYK. Since sex is not nearly awkward enough of a conversation topic to put the ladies off their feed, Teresa demands to know if Jacqueline has talked to Danielle. Jacqueline takes a deep breath and admits that they talk and that she wouldn't snub her on the street. So. to prove her point, Caroline mocks Danielle's dead-eyed children. (Um, Caroline? You sure you want to be talking about slow children? I mean, your kids kind of look like they got beat about the head with an olive loaf.) Jacqueline thinks talking about other people's kids is crossing a line. Teresa claims she looked up some court documents and found out the true story of Danielle with all the gory details of her kidnapping, cocaine stash and gun running. The idea of Teresa hauling herself to a courthouse and flipping through microfiche looking for dirt on Danielle is mind-boggling. Does Teresa have an intern to do that stuff for her? What do you think she wore? Leopard print leggings and glitter shadow, duh. Jacqueline, bless her heart, understands that Danielle has a past, but have these people not watched The Sopranos? Do they not know about jailhouse conversions? Or at least the power of Feng Shui or How Facials Can Save Your Life? Jacqueline thinks people can change. Caroline gives her a look that clearly says, "I have disappoint." Teresa just cackles and tries not to flip over the table.
Meat fight at Caroline's house! No, really. Her above average children are all chucking cold cuts at each other's heads. Chris is wearing a "Girls Don't Poop" shirt to add to the general level of class. Oh wait! Caroline explains that this "Ham Game" is a regular family activity around her house. Not that she approves. In fact, she points her finger in Chris's face and barks, "No!" But she didn't whack him on the nose with a rolled-up newspaper, so she wasn't really serious. Thus, despite Caroline's fervent dislike of meat slinging, the Ham Game is clearly in her house to stay. On to the topic of discussion: Lauren dating Albie's purported best friend, a hunk of ham named Vinnie. Albie can't believe Vinnie would put hos before bros, even if that ho is his sister. Hey, wait, who you calling a ho? Shut up, man! That's my sister!
Jacqueline has her hands full with her new baby boy and her teenage daughter Ashley and that other kid who wanders in on occasion from the treehouse where they keep him. When Ashley comes over to drop off some laundry and admits that she misses her parents, Jacqueline asks why she left. Ashley swears that she loves her parents, but she just needed her freedom to go out to clubs and have sex with the walking hair gel she brought over last week. Jacqueline takes the opportunity to get all Good Mom on her ass, demanding to know if she is safe, whether there is a designated driver in the car, whether she is being responsible. Ashley wanders off mid-conversation to get her cell phone. Jacqueline doesn't appreciate the interruption to the MADD speech she memorized, because now she's going to have start at the beginning. Ashley shrugs and makes use of her "freedom" to leave. Let Freedom ring, yo. You know, Jacqueline is a really good mom and seems like a very decent person, and I wonder if Caroline used her strong arms to make her sign up for this show. It really does seem like she wandered in off the street and should really be at Mommy and Me playgroups instead of putting up with the harpies.
Danielle has good news for her daughter: IMG Model Management wants Christine to model. Christine shrugs, but IMG scouted her off the street and now she has a rep. Danielle is thrilled that she gets to live vicariously through her daughter. She sizes up Jillian and thinks if Christine screws this up, Jillian might have a shot at it.
Jacqueline meets Dina at the baby store to try and pick out a gender-neutral present for Teresa's baby. I know these two are sisters-in-law, but they seemingly have no knowledge of each other's lives. Dina doesn't even know that Ashley moved out of Jacqueline's house for her Freedom. Dina suggests smacking her around, but haha totally joking. Does Grandma Wrinkles need to be removed to a safe home?
Teresa has somehow managed to squoosh herself into some spandex and tie-dye and hauled herself and Gia to yet another PR agency. Gia has been huffing her Tinkerbell nail polish and swears she has never heard of ELLE magazine. As if! But, don't worry! "When Gia gets her catwalk on, she gets it on." Gia does her best mini-strumpet as Teresa stage-moms her from the lawn chair she brought to sit in. Teresa is obviously convinced that her baby is a star. Danielle pipes in from the confessional that Gia is four feet tall and probably not supermodel material. Oh snap! The PR agent looks unmoved, but she may always look like that. Don't worry, sweetie, all publicity is good publicity.
Christine is surprised that her tall, blonde, skinny self gets to be a model. Also, fans of America's Top Model will be excited to know that noted fashion photographer Gilles Bensimon [and former husband of Real Housewives of New York's Kelly] is photographing Christine's first shoot for The Daily a.k.a. fashion's bible that none of us have ever heard of but will pretend to be impressed by. I wonder if Gilles is as much of a publicity whore as all his reality show appearances would make it seem? Anyway, Christine is up for the cover. When she is all dolled up and on stage, she looks pretty amazing, and you feel really bad that Danielle is standing right there vying for the spotlight -- simultaneously stage-momming and seething with jealousy. Yes, yes, she's probably happy for her little girl, but you know she wants to be the center of attention all the time, so it's a bit of a struggle for her not to start crying, mentioning how mean everyone at the salon is, or asking if they have a bidet. When Gilles notes her existence and offers to take a photo of her, of course, Danielle runs backstage, heads directly to hair and makeup and starts modeling up a storm. Just for the record, when Christine is modeling, she is pretty much just standing there looking pretty. Not a hint of arms akimbo or looking fierce or bending backwards and growling. Yep, Tyra may be complete bullshit. I know! Who knew?
Over at Caroline's, the same argument is dragging on. Albie is still upset that Vinnie is dating Lauren, so they decide to have a chat meathead-to-meathead while Lauren and Caroline pretend nothing is happening. Some extremely tall bearded gentleman joins their conversation, and they all agree that Vinnie should bring Lauren flowers. Everyone shakes hands, and Lauren and Vinnie leave. The end.
Over at IMG, Christine has landed the cover of The Daily with a big banner "Who's That Girl?" and a five-page spread inside. Ivan Bart, who is apparently a demi-god who accepts live offerings of Calvin Klein suits at noon and five daily, thinks Christine could be really big and wants to book her in a fashion show. He then remembers to include Danielle, lest she kidnap him and use him for target practice. He thinks she is a really good mom (?) and then asks if she would be okay going to Milan with Christine. Danielle wets her pants right then and there. Thank god, IMG has interns to clean up the puddle.
Over at Jacqueline's house, Caroline, Dina and Teresa are all over talking 'bout birthing babies. Albie, of course, popped out full-grown with a bottle of Dep in his hands and an Ed Hardy shirt on his back, but the rest of the ladies have cankle horror stories to contribute to the conversation.
Danielle wants to have a congratulatory luncheon for Christine. Why not make the mood especially celebratory by inviting some people who hate her? Okay, maybe not Caroline, but Dina and Jacqueline are both on the list. Dina apparently texted Danielle to congratulate her on Christine's success, so the call to invite her wasn't totally out of the blue. Of course, Dina has some social obligations, so put her down as a "maybe." Danielle calls Jacqueline, who gives her the biggest, wishy-washiest no ever. Basically, the hunk of salami she calls Chris is on an anti-Danielle bender, and Jacqueline doesn't want to risk inflaming him and making him get off the couch or something by dining with Danielle. But she can't lie either, so she just ends up making Danielle feel all kinds of awkward with her long rambling "no." At least Dina lies perfunctorily.
Over at Teresa's, she is lazily making Joe make his own dinner after he worked all day to keep her in granite and boudoir slippers. Teresa gets a phone call, and it's the PR Agency, who is looking to get a little extra publicity by booking Teresa's midget model for Fashion Week. Teresa tries to impress upon Joe the magnitude of this success, but Joe is too busy chopping garlic to be impressed. So she waddles upstairs to tell Gia, who lets out an ear-splitting scream and starts working her elementary school mojo all over her princess pink bedroom. Please for the love of God, stop shaking it, Gia.
Danielle is happily hosting her first luncheon in a long time. She made sure to invite as many of her "close friends" as possible, including the shop owner Kim D., who giddily badmouthed her at Caroline's sheriff fundraiser. Dina pops up to add that although Danielle was advertising the event as for her closest friends, rumor has it that the servantless Franklin Lakes ladies who were at the grocery store were also scoring invites. Danielle toasts her daughter's success, unveils the photo spread, and everyone eats some mozzarella and anemic tomatoes and pretends to be friendly. Danielle makes sure to point out that Jacqueline and Dina are not there to fete her daughter, which has got to be awkward for her "close friends." Kim D. and Kim G. both pinkyswear their allegiance to Danielle, and she manages not to stabby-stab anyone. All around, a very successful luncheon. Although the lack of ham throwing was kind of disappointing.
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Find out how The Real Housewives of New York City proved that money can't buy you class, but can buy you Auto-Tune.
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Melissa Locker a.k.a. Lulu Bates is bathing in Purell in preparation for week's episode. You can follow her on Twitter @woolyknickers.