Do you remember anything from last season before the awesome table tossing prostitution whore incident? Me neither. Except for some really fucking ugly furniture. And bubbies. Everything else is kind of a blank. So with this tabula rasa let's start the season, eh?
We start out with Jacqueline who during the hiatus has finally gotten pregnant after her four miscarriages and on-camera tears. She apparently has a scheduled C-section like most of the B-Listers and delivers a beautiful bouncing baby boy named Nicholas. His birth brings the family unity and clarity of FAMILY VALUES that was missing before when all the drug mule-ing and whoring with the enemy rumors got in the way. So now that they are family again, Caroline is coming around and holding the baby and shit and bringing a bowl of pasta and that means FAMILY.
So Dina is a kreepy kat lady who shaves her cat into a walking topiary because that is what klassy kat ladies do. Apparently Dina's house was vandalized or at least her mailbox may have gotten egged, during the hiatus. Obviously Teresa blames Danielle for compelling her minions to start chucking poultry products at the Manzo sisters.
Danielle starts the season by reminding us that she is a devout Catholic in case we had forgotten that amid all the arrests, table throwing, and Botox. Not that Botox is forbidden by the Ten Commandments or anything. I mean did you see Charlton Heston in his later days? Definitely got a little something something. Danielle needs to go speak to a priest, not for absolution or talk therapy, because she is apparently untroubled by the shit storm flying around her like she's some sort of hussyfied Pig Pen. No, no, Danielle has sought clerical advice, because she wants to LEARN TO PRAY for her Real Housewives sisters. No, this does not mean she wants to be around them or invite them to spa parties or oversized French manicures unless they want her to (Do you think they want her to? Did you hear something? Is her phone on? She could totally just drive by and see if their home. She could bring Frappuccinos). No, no, she just wants to pray for their souls to be spared eternal damnation. She is a good Catholic woman, she goes to church EVERY SUNDAY. Obviously this was a jailhouse conversion, right? Anyway, the priest in all his priestly wisdom recommends she try forgiving the women for calling her a prostitute, a whore, a prostitution whore, and a whore prostitute. Danielle looks dubious that this is the best option. I remain dubious that she goes to church every Sunday and doesn't sit in the back row filing her nails and texting on her rhinestone bedazzled Sidekick.
Oh Teresa, your bubbies look as large as advertised. Three generations of Teresa's family are gathered in her carport making red sauce. Because nothing gives that special flavor to the Italian classic like proximity to motor oil and tarps. Teresa, her mother, and her three daughters are all armed and attacking jumbo storage buckets from the Container Store filled with tomatoes. They plan on making 180 jars of red sauce, which should last the entire year. Undoubtedly this will be an important detail when Danielle "accidentally" backs into Teresa's garage during one of her door-to-door Bible studies and Teresa's family starves to death due to red sauce shortage. Teresa is enormously pregnant with her fourth child, so vag shots during Teresa's birth are definitely something to look forward to during sweeps.
Then out of the blue, Teresa bellows to some twentysomething girl, "You got your time of the month?" The girl doesn't even blush when she shouts back that Teresa's dad already asked and no. What the fuck kind of family is this? Are there hungry bears lurking around Franklin Lakes and the Giudices are going to use the girl as bait so they can whip up some black bear in their red sauce? Teresa sort of explains that Italians think if a girl is on her period she will ruin the tomatoes and can't make red sauce. I would mock this except that it is probably true. Not, like, THE SCIENCE, but the Italian belief. My brother has lived in Italy for years and when my niece was born and you would wander the streets with her all you would get would be earfuls from old ladies explaining exactly how you are killing the baby by: a) not wearing a hat, b) wearing a hat, c) wearing a too tight hat, d) no socks. Also, they are convinced that air conditioning in a gym will kill you dead so none of their gyms are air conditioned and, hence, smell like ...well, pretty much what you would expect an un-air conditioned gym to smell like.
Gia, Teresa's 8-year-old daughter, is very excited by learning more about her heritage, because it will give her good material for this year's American Teen Princess competition. Teresa's mom encourages Gia to also include this skill in her dowry, because obviously she is going to marry a nice Italian man. Teresa would prefer Gia went Jewish, because apparently Jewish men bow to their wives. LOOK IT UP PEOPLE, IT'S IN THE TORAH. Teresa's husband who looks for all the world like a brick wall draped in Ed Hardy looks hurt by this revelation. Didn't he buy her the nicest granite and marble? What else does a girl need? Gia rebuts this anyway, because she "doesn't want to marry a Jewish man". They all have earlocks and hats or something. Teresa shushes her before she can spew any more adorably anti-Semitic crap on national television and ruin her chances at a Sash and a Crown, but undoubtedly spawn a bright YouTube career.
Caroline is taking the Lincoln Tunnel to the bright lights of the big city and taking Barney's by storm. She and her husband have a private shopping experience lined up to celebrate the fact that her husband has lost 70 pounds after a heart attack scare. He looks good. He also looks good in Armani, but that's the easy part, right? Boring! Start cat fighting with the sales clerk or I'm changing the channel.
So Jacqueline is in new mom land and cuddling her baby son when her husband brings up the awkward subject of Danielle. He doesn't know her, but he doesn't like her. He doesn't want her in his life or in Jacqueline's. Jacqueline holds her ground, despite the fact that Danielle didn't call or write or send a Diaper Cake after the baby was born. She won't promise to spit in her face or throw a burning bag of dog poo at her if she sees her on the street, no matter how nicely Chris asks. She may even text Danielle from time to time. The husband shrugs, who has the energy to fight?
Back at Teresa's, Milania, her 3-year-old is getting ready for her first day of school. Zebra stripes, lace, oversized hair bows, silver ballet flats, and a backpack full of (traditional Italian) Ding Dongs are obviously required. Meanwhile, her husband ominously throws an enormous pink stuffed horse into a garbage can, which is obviously symbolic of something. Most likely repressed sexuality. I'm pretty sure Freud would agree.
Danielle has a new BFF. Her name is Kim and she has short choppy blonde hair with dark lowlights, oversized hoop earrings, a lot of zippers, and some serious facelift detritus. So I'm guessing she's a good Catholic girl. After outfitting her daughters at Kim's shop, Danielle opens up to her friend about reaching out to Jacqueline and getting shot down. Kim assures her that taking the high road is still the right choice. Their priest would definitely agree.
At Jacqueline's, it is revealed that her daughter Ashley, who is the sloppy seconds from Jacqueline's first and non-televised marriage, has moved out. Also, she managed to graduate from high school, so huzzah! Jacqueline's husband recommends that she get a job and a checking account, but Ashley isn't quite prepared for such responsibilities. Because Ashley has brought her boyfriend to the house, Jacqueline feels that now that they are all on national television, it is a good time to ask whether or not the happy couple is using contraception. Which would not at all be a humiliating thing to be asked during primetime. Jacqueline of course asks this horrifying question with a wide-eyed innocence like it is completely appropriate thing to ask in the most public of forums. Ashley just blanks out in stunned horror, so Jacqueline asks Derek who just nods meekly wishing to god he had never signed that release form. The second Ashley and Jacqueline are off camera, Chris ominously chops peppers in Derek's general direction and tries to have a man-to-man talk with the fewest possible words.
OH GOOD we get to go to Teresa's OB/GYN appointment. Her biggest concern is that her very active sex life will bring on premature labor. She says something else but I am too busy slamming my head into a wall to hear it.
Caroline and her husband are throwing a $1,000-a-head fundraiser for their local sheriff's campaign at their house. They've conscripted their above average boys for pooper scooper patrol before the well-heeled Republicans show up. So we get to watch two kids in suits, including daughter Lauren's new boyfriend who has been roped into doody duty, picking up dog shit for ten minutes. I am, literally, not going to recap that shit.
Danielle is out and about in Franklin Lakes, so obviously no good can come from this. She introduces her outing to the salon by explaining that Dina used to work at the salon -- doing nails! The horror! Obviously this is the biggest slur Danielle could possibly ever utter. She is going to be doing some serious rounds of Hail Marys to make up for that one, for sure. So Danielle gets nestled into her plush pedicure chair and the gossipy pedicurist starts sloughing off her calluses (thanks for the visual, Bravo!). Mid de-corning, the pedicurist slyly mentions that all the ladies of Franklin Lakes have gotten their nails done today for Caroline's fancy Sheriff party. Danielle is so hurt that she wasn't invited to a $1,000 a plate dinner despite the fact that they all hate her, she hates them, and she is flat broke. Um... okay. Sure. Why not? Just take it to Jesus, Danielle. He'll make sure the bitches burn in hell for what they've done.
Dina and Jacqueline were invited to the party, of course. It is just so unfair that Caroline would invite her sisters and not a woman that she hates and only associates with because it makes for good television drama. Meanwhile Danielle loads up her daughters in her Range Rover and vents about not being invited to the fundraiser. Luckily for Danielle, her BFF and newly anointed Chief Spy, Kim is at the party and can report back on all the hellfire the angels of the lord rain down on the festivities. But, much like Jesus before her, Danielle is betrayed.
Kim sits down at a table with Caroline, Dina, Teresa, and Jacqueline and denies her friendship with Danielle. Judas!! [Psst: Judas, you need some more silicone filler around your lips. You look like Howard the Duck.] Kim pretends that her relationship with Danielle is merely a business relationship as in, Danielle buys and Kim sells. Then commences a full-on Danielle slam session including Kim's boyfriend's slanderous mumblings about Danielle sleeping with a friend of his and Teresa guesstimating that Danielle has slept with over 500 guys and has a "hole" bigger than the Lincoln or the Holland Tunnel. Meanwhile, Danielle has taken her own children hostage and is forcing them to drive past Caroline's house "just to see how many people came", because that is not at all a creepy stalker thing to do.
Dina thinks Kim was drunk and that's why she was talking trash, but no one makes any excuses for Teresa who classily adds, "Danielle, you put the 'cont' in contradiction". Danielle keeps swearing to her girls that she doesn't care that she's not invited to the party, but they really don't believe it. And neither does anyone but Danielle. Danielle eventually spares her daughters the embarrassment, herself the future therapy bills, time in the confessional and heads home instead. She assures us that this sane, honest person is the "new Danielle". As my pedicurist says, "Same same, but different."
Melissa Locker a.k.a. Lulu Bates is bathing in Purell in preparation for week's episode. You can follow her on Twitter @woolyknickers.
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Watch the season 1 recap, and then look back at the most memorable moments.
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