| Season 5 | Episode 8
PreviouslyonMasterpiece Presents: The Real Housewives of New Jersey:There were once two unfortunates named Steve and Stephanie who facilitated a game of family-hate Twister in the Adirondikes. Chaos, accusations of scumminess, and fisticuffs ensued.
We enter with a bit of a replay of the climactic moments from last week's episode, in which Teresa called Melissa poison and told Joe he was disappointing their family, and then they played shame on you/shame on you, and Joe very pointedly called Teresa scum. Kathy was all, "Thatz not right!" and Teresa went out to recount the situation to Juicy, who was coincidentally talking about how one day he's going to totally lose his shit and make Joe Gorga into a meatball sub. The most hilarious part of all this is how Steve and Stephanie are just there, looking on while Joes Giudice and Gorga start wailing on each other. Teresa runs out of the room as Melissa screams at her to help her brother, and the following is captioned as she scampers off, "Call the cops! Ugh." I just love the thoroughness of the "ugh." And really: ugh, indeed. Everyone is trying to break up the Joes, and Juicy exclaims that Joe Gorga is biting his nuts. Well, finally we have gotten down to the enduring root of the tension all these years.
It's hard to tell exactly what's going on in this human thumb wrestling match, but at one point it looks like Joe Gorga reaches up and attempts to pluck out Juicy's eyeball. Not quite as thorough as the nut-biting strategy, but a good effort nonetheless. Eventually the two are broken up, and for some reason Melissa runs over and puts Joe's hat back on his head. Why that is a priority in this moment, I do not know. A security guard is in the room, which is probably for the best. Joe Gorga interviews in typical dramatic fashion that he has ten years of hate against Joe Giudice, who has put a wedge between him and his parents. Any opportunity that he has to go against Juicy, he will take in nut-biting fashion.
As the two Joes catch their breath, Juicy invites Joe Gorga to come over and suck it if he wants. Steve puts his hand on his chin briefly in thoughtful repose. I'm sure his ruminations have something to do with how this actually may not be the great PR opportunity that he had envisioned. Teresa wants to leave, and Melissa starts screaming at her because she left the room instead of trying to break up the Joes. Her exit seemed to coincide with the influx of security, so in fact I don't think it was as disgusting as Melissa claims. Stephanie just stands around with an awkward look. I don't know about you, but I am totally obsessed with Steve and Stephanie. I feel like Andy Cohen should give them their own show, where they just lurk ineffectively during all sorts of violent encounters. Like, there's a bear eating a guy and they're just behind a tree, pulling up their socks.
| Season 5 | Episode 8
Teresa takes Juicy out of the room as he and Joe scream some threats at each other. In an interview, she wonders what the eff just happened. She blames it on her brother going into crazy mode, like he did at the christening way back when. She claims not to know who he is anymore, though all signs point to "the same dumb-ass as always." Meanwhile, Melissa tells Joe that they're white trash now, and he slams his mic pack down while yelling about fucking scumbags. Kathy just stands and shakes her head while Richie says that he doesn't want to see these two guys, who grew up together and once were friends, kill each other. I mean, if they both ended up dead, I'd actually call it a win-win all around.
And then a mysterious thing happens, which is that everyone has black shit all over them. Teresa thinks it must be Melissa's makeup, which is actually not a bad theory. Is it maybe Joe Gorga's spray-on hair? As Joe and Melissa walk to another part of the castle, Melissa complains about how disgusting animal Teresa walked away from the fight, like the devil would do. Teresa, meanwhile, wants to hit Melissa in the face. I mean, it seems like the natural progression of things. I'm sure Steve and Stephanie would find an excellent place in the room to stand and scratch themselves were that to occur.
After a break, Joe Gorga interviews that he hates Juicy so much that he wants to skin him. And then wear that skin as a dress, a la Buffalo Bill. I mean, that's more of an inference on my part but I still believe it has validity. Joe says that Juicy is the one who ruined the entire family, but karma's a bitch and maybe just maybe he'll go to jail. Melissa says that she's done with the whole family, and tells Joe that Saddam Hussein is someone's brother too, but that doesn't mean he's a good person. I just want everyone to take a moment and be aware that Melissa just compared Teresa to Saddam Hussein. Perhaps not completely unwarranted. Meanwhile, Juicy tells Teresa how Joe came at him, and about the nut-biting. Teresa says she could deal when Joe called her garbage, and mentioned the fact that he does not call his wife a cunt, but apparently "scum" is taking it over the line. I don't entirely understand why this is, so will just assume it's an Italian thing. Rosie and the Wakiles discuss, and the best thing since Steve and Stephanie happens when Kathy says, "I was just worried about my nose job." Always with the practical reaction! Put that in your cannoli!
| Season 5 | Episode 8
Then we're back with Melissa and Joe, who are talking about how Teresa and Juicy are disgusting. In an interview, Melissa says that when you don't respect someone's wife you don't respect them, and Teresa looks at her like she's a piece of shit. I think that might just be how Teresa's face is configured. Speaking of Teresa, she wants to leave, but Juicy doesn't want to, noting that they drove four hours there and he's not driving four hours back. Furthermore, he thinks that Teresa is an idiot if she tries to make peace with her brother. She should say, "Fuck that midget," according to wizened family therapist Joe Giudice.
Rosie and the Wakiles talk, and Rosie is mostly afraid that all of her event planning will be for naught if everyone leaves. She was so excited about the Adirondikes! Richie just wants Rosie to tell Teresa that she's fucking evil. And, I mean, let's be clear -- I think they're all morons. But I really don't see how this is all Teresa's fault. Richie goes to talk to Teresa and Juicy. He agrees that it was wrong of Joe to call Teresa scum, but wonders what she wanted to achieve by telling Juicy about it. Teresa wants Richie to mind his own fucking business, which seems legit. And plus, it was totally Joe Gorga who charged at Juicy in the first place. In any case, there's more screaming, and it will come to no one's surprise that Juicy has corked a bottle of chianti in the meantime. If I were a therapist doing a family intervention with this crowd, I might consider removing the booze as a first step. Well, not removing, but rather storing it up and drinking it all myself.
Meanwhile, Melissa is comforting a tearful Joe Gorga. Can these people just get some meds like everyone else in the world? God. Back in the Giudice suite, Richie is encouraging a reconciliation, and asks Juicy what his beef is with Joe. Juicy says he has no beef, and that they grew up together. Rosie thinks that they should just hear him out, then. Kathy mostly wants to go home, or at least put a protective guard around her nose. Teresa goes to Joe to ask if they can talk on the balcony. She asks Melissa to leave, but Melissa won't. Rosie is frustrated at this, and says it's not Joe Giudice's fault, and that Joe and Teresa need to work it out. Then Teresa goes back and complains to Kathy, and isn't happy with Kathy's unsympathetic response. Then Joe Gorga starts crying again. And ha! Steve and Stephanie miraculously have not left the building, and enter the Gorga suite for a little talk therapy. Steve says, correctly, that the whole family has a tremendous amount of passion. That passion is their Achilles heel, but also the thing that will pull them through. Joe says that he hates Teresa, and Steve suggests that he not let the hate consume him. Stephanie notes that everyone is still there, which means they want resolution. Except for Juicy, who is just too drunk to drive back tonight.
| Season 5 | Episode 8
The Wakiles and Gorgas eat at the castle restaurant and talk about duck tits. Richie wonders again what all the black stuff is, and we learn the truth -- that it is indeed Joe Gorga's spray on hair!!! Nailed it. And no wonder Melissa was so anxious to put his hat back on. Why in the world would he ever wear all white in this scenario, though? AND why bother using spray-on hair if you're wearing a hat? So many mysteries to unfold. Meanwhile, Juicy and Teresa are taking a bubble bath together. Some poor waiter has to bring in a bottle of champagne, and then Teresa tells us how she's going to bone Joe for defending her honor. Back at the dinner table, Kathy has a moment of sympathy for Steve and Stephanie and Richie complains about how Teresa wouldn't open up today. Melissa interjects to say, "Listen, I was open. You couldn't open me any wider." Soooo….yeah. And while we're on the topic, Juicy talks about how he's going to give it to Teresa rough even though she doesn't like it, so that's good times all around.
The morning, there are mimosas. I'm sure that's going to be great for everyone. Rosie and the Wakiles have morning robe-wearing talking times, and Rosie seems to think that the fisticuffs may have cleared the air a bit. She is just a human who is comfortable with violence. I don't necessarily think that's a bad thing, especially in her context. Meanwhile, Teresa gets out of the bed to get coffee and Juicy announces his intention to jerk off a few more times. So, great. Sometimes I look at all my life choices and how they led to this moment, wherein I am recapping a scene about how a man named Juicy Joe is planning to spank it the morning after battling someone with spray-on hair, and I just can't pinpoint exactly where it all went wrong.
Teresa then calls Caroline, asking for help. She explains about the fight, and eventually asks Caroline to come to the Adirondikes. Oh jeez, great idea. Caroline tells us that Teresa doesn't like to ask for help, so this call is heavy. It must be bad, she says, and Teresa must be scared. Caroline agrees to come up if she can, and I do actually think she stands a better chance than Steve and Stephanie. Melissa and Joe, meanwhile, continue to hate on Teresa, and talk about how she doesn't give a shit about either Joe, but only cares about her cookbook deal and her cheesy and ill-fated endorsement deals. Melissa wants to leave the Adirondikes for good, but Joe remains non-committal.
| Season 5 | Episode 8
Back in Jersey, Caroline tells Lauren about the call and the situation in the Adirondikes. Lauren finds it interesting that Teresa tells Caroline to stay out of her business, but then asks for help. Caroline pretends that she doesn't want to go, even though getting to pontificate in the center of all the drama is her raison d'etre. Lauren asks, "What if this is a plot for them to kill you?" which actually would make the whole thing a LOT more interesting.
After a break, it's not even breakfast and Richie is already drunk. This bodes well. A car pulls up with Dr. Va-jay-jay, who looks absolutely insane. She is obviously perfect for this crowd of degenerates. Dr. Va-jay-jay explains that she's Italian in her vagina. I don't even know what that means. But I guess she's Italian enough or fame-whorey enough for Teresa to think that she's of use. And she can't be worse than Steve and Stephanie. Teresa explains to Dr. Va-ja-jay that her brother called her scum, and wants her to admit to something that she didn't do -- namely set up Melissa in last season's finale. Dr. Va-jay-jay says it sounds like a lot of what Teresa tells people is consistently misinterpreted, which is a problem. At some point, she says, you have to ask, "What the fuck is wrong with me?" There are so, so many answers to that question.
As Joe Gorga sits at the breakfast table in a fucking Poison t-shirt, Dr. Va-jay-jay tells Teresa that she did have something to do with the rumors at the Posche fashion show, and it's not good. She wants Teresa to say that she got into a situation where she didn't really understand what was happening. And then she starts asking if Teresa took care of her brother when he was younger, which she did, and speculating that Teresa is desperate trying to protect him from the choices he's making -- like his wife. At that moment, the Wakiles come down and meet Dr. Va-jay-jay. Melissa is skeptical that Dr. Va-jay-jay can handle them, but Dr. Va-jay-jay seems very confident. She sits at the table and mentions the rumor, saying that it must have been very hurtful to Melissa. Teresa comes back and Melissa stops talking about it, but Dr. Va-jay-jay tells her to keep it going. And then there's just a lot of bickering back and forth between Teresa and Melissa, until Rosie eventually asks where they're going with this conversation.
Dr. Va-jay-jay says that nothing will be solved if they think that one person is the problem. She wants to start basic, with feelings, and asks to talk to each moron individually. Joe doesn't think this is going to work, because Teresa is evil. But he talks to Dr. Va-jay-jay anyway. She asks why he thinks that Teresa set up the whole weekend, and he basically thinks she did it to get the credit. He admits that he called her scum, which has something to do with the cheating rumors. Dr. Va-jay-jay conjectures that this isn't really about Melissa, but about Teresa's lack of trust in Joe to make good decisions for himself. She wonders if it has to do with the fact that Teresa had to take care of and protect Joe for his whole life, and he admits that it's a possibility. Dr. Va-jay-jay asks Joe if he wants to make it work, and he says that he doesn't, since Teresa is now once of his worst enemies. In that case, there's not much point for him to loiter in the Adirondikes. Dr. Va-jay-jay wants to bring Teresa back, and for Joe to tell her that he's not ready to give a go at this.
| Season 5 | Episode 8
Rosie tells us that everyone plays a role in the big scenario of things, and no one is 100% innocent. She wants them all to admit their part in this, and get over it. Dr. Va-jay-jay gets Teresa, and gets a compliment on her legs in the process -- from Rosie, of course. Joe and Teresa have their tete-a-tete, in which he says he wants her to stop trying to take him and Melissa down. Teresa says she would never try to break him and Melissa up, and that there are a lot of people who try to cause problems. Joe doesn't want to fight with Teresa anymore, but also doesn't trust her. He says he needs time, and Dr. Va-jay-jay backs him up, saying he's not ready. And then we see a stocky pair of legs emerging from a car. Yes, it's Caroline. The Wakiles give her a warm greeting, though Melissa is a little stand-offish. She just thinks it's time for them to give up, rather than bring in more help.
Meanwhile, Teresa says that their kids and parents are getting older, and there's not much time. That's upsetting to her. We do get a moment of levity as Rosie says she'll never call upon Steve and Stephanie again, and Caroline says that they probably needed their own therapy (or, I'd venture, treatment for PTSD) after trying to intervene with this bunch.
But then it's back into the fire, as Dr. Va-jay-jay asks Joe how he'd feel about a life without his mom and dad. He admits that it's tough, and is in a bad place now with his parents. He says he doesn't want to hate, and Teresa says that she doesn't hate him, and never has. He's all, "All right." Ha! Dr. Va-jay-jay is uplifted by the emotion in the room. She was on board with Joe for a while about getting the hell out, but now thinks that more time together with just the two of them is what they need. How convenient. Back at the dining table, Melissa is skeptical that anything will help this family. Teresa says that she doesn't think Joe wants to hang out, just as the two of them. She thinks he wants Melissa, and Teresa says that's okay with her. Saying that they're no longer teenagers or in their 20's, she breaks down crying and says that they both have families now. Seeing her bawling, Joe hugs her and gives her a kiss on the cheek. And then they embrace each other and cry for a long while, and thank God the episode finally ends.
week: Dr. Va-jay-jay calls Teresa a dumb-ass, showing us that the Gorgas have finally found someone who "gets" them.
Potes hopes that she lives to see this season's reunion episodes, but is doubtful. To send a message of hope please tweet @traciepotes or email potesypotes@gmail.com.