Previously: Michael found out Justin's seeing Ethan. Ben warned Michael not to tell Brian about it, using a word that caused three days of forum discussion. Brian doesn't really care anyway, since he never cares about anything. Ted has fallen for Emmett in the most clichéd, overacted way possible.
In case you're wondering, you can find Michael's comic book shop at 548 Wemberley Avenue, Pittsburgh, PA, . It's called Red Cape Comics. It doesn't require any postage or a return address to send a box to them, and it's also okay to abbreviate "attention" to: "Att'n." Michael opens up the box with a knife. The first issue of Rage is all ready to go. Justin and Michael are stoked. I guess they've never seen a copy before? "Collector's Item," they've optimistically written across the cover. Michael and Justin suck each other's dicks for a while, proud of their work. Brian walks in and takes a copy. He asks the boys if they're ready to sell their work on the open market. "I hope people like it," Michael whines. Justin asks why they wouldn't. "You have no idea how vicious queers can be," Brian says, and I'm pretty sure y'all can take that as a shout-out. Brian's got postcards for a Babylon party celebrating Rage's kick-off. Postcards! That means this comic's going to be a sure success! Justin and Michael are stunned as if (a) Brian hadn't already said he was going to do this, and (b) this isn't what Brian does each and every time something like this comes up anyway. Brian says he's alerted the "gay press" and set up interviews for Justin and Michael. He's put in advertising in "all the fag rags and top queer websites." Look for the Rage pop-up on the Television Without Pity forum near you. Brian says that soon they'll be retiring to Palm Springs, wearing muumuus and sipping mimosas. I might pay money to see Brian in a muumuu. Justin excuses himself for "class." Brian asks if he'll see Justin tonight. Justin answers with a noise that comes out: "Usher." Poor Brian. Michael's so concerned about him that he kisses him full and hard yet again to let Brian know that he "really cares" and is "concerned" and "practically single." He pulls Brian in for a hug and tells him that he loves him. "Me too," Brian says back.
Good shit, someone put a neon green bow tie in Debbie's wig. She's marveling that the characters in the comic book look just like people in real life. How has Debbie not seen one sketch out of this comic book when we've been subjected to two months of hype? I do appreciate that they're drinking bottles of Turning Leaf, letting us know just how broke the Novotnys are. Debbie asks why she's not in the comic. Ben raises an eyebrow so we know that he's the one that should be in the damn rag, what with the superthigh and all. Debbie makes Ben eat seconds, yelling at Michael that Ben's one of the family now. "My sincere condolences," Michael says to Ben. Debbie whips Michael in the face with her Number One, increasing its value by seven dollars and twenty-three cents. Debbie says that membership has its privileges. This means that Ben's now invited on the family's annual vacation. They go to the Poconos for two weeks out of every year. You know, the annual family vacation. What? You've never heard of this? Well, you know. Ben loves the invite, but probably won't be going, since he's going to be in Tibet. The huh? Ti-who? What's this about Tibet? You've never mentioned anything about Tibet before, Ben! For some reason, Ben thinks that now is the perfect time to drop on Michael that he plans to spend about six months on the other side of the planet. Great, seeing as how Debbie's always Ben's cheerleader. I think the pockets on Ben's shirt are crooked. Oh, I should mention, in honor of the last episode of the season, I'm drinking while recapping. DWR. That's me. I'm on the first beer. The problem is that it's already almost two in the morning. This means that I probably won't finish until tomorrow. And does that mean I have to start drinking in the morning as I finish this recap, or will I have to finish the 'cap totally sober? These are the questions that will keep me up for the rest of the night.
Gym. Four and only four Stairmasters all in a row. Ted, Emmett, Michael, and Brian. Emmett can't believe that Ben wants to go to Tibet, what with the fact that he's had it as a life's dream and all. But it's hard to listen to Emmett, because every time he utters a syllable, Ted laughs like Emmett's cranking a finger into the top of Ted's thigh. He just laughs and laughs and laughs, talking about how funny Emmett is. Man, Ted's creepy. I know we've established that. But Ted with a crush is even fucking creepier. I don't know how that's possible. He looks like a serial killer, what with the scary twinkle in the eye and the PermaDimples on that forced smile. The tiny baby teeth. I want to cry. I'm that scared. Emmett is a little wigged by Ted's sudden Creepy Attention. Brian says that a monastery could be hot, considering he's already fucked a priest. Monks. The last unconquered territory for Brian Kinney. Monks and nuns. Wait, does Lindsay count? Yeah, she's practically a nun. The guys talk about how much it would suck to have to be celibate for six months, and how that'll probably make Ben decide not to go. You know, because Ben's the big dickhound of the group. Emmett says that orange is a color that looks good on absolutely nobody, so there's that. Cue Ted's overacting laughing. "Em's right!" he gushes. "You are SOOOOOOOO right!" God, quit it. We get it. Just jerk off on his leg and get it over with. Jesus. Emmett decides it's time to hit the showers. Brian calls him a pussy and says they've only been working out for ten minutes. Ted gives the World's Longest Comeback, a wordy sentence that equates their ten-minute workout to Brian's two-hour one, saying that their calorie burns are equal, since Brian spends one hour fifty just cruising guys. I couldn't make it briefer or funnier. Sorry about that. Ted practically rides Emmett's ass all the way to the showers.
Ethan's so gay. He wants Justin to come driving out to the country with him tonight so that they can watch the meteor shower. He trickles his hands down in the air to show what a meteor shower would look like. Justin says he can't, since Brian is throwing him a party. Ethan jokes that Brian's totally late on Justin's birthday. Justin says it's for the comic. Ethan takes about five minutes to turn around and say, "He must love you a lot." Justin says that Brian does, in his way. "But not in yours," Ethan says, rubbing Justin's cheek and leaning in for a kiss. That Ethan, he's a smarmy one. They kiss. Ethan leans back into Justin's arm. Justin remembers he has to leave. He stands up and starts dressing. Ethan pouts. He stands up and hands Justin his "latest CD." He tells Justin that he just gave him the very first copy. Justin's pleased to see that Ethan used his drawings for the artwork. "Check out the back," Ethan says. The CD is dedicated "For Justin." Justin has to read it out loud, though, because we're too stupid. They make out.
Emmett wears ugly pants. Ted touches him too much, talking about how hot Emmett is and how he's totally been working out and he's so sexy and toned and buff and we fucking get it oh my god. Then Ted laughs too much at Emmett's joke and asks what Emmett plans on doing . Em says he's going to put on his shirt. Man, this is such a clichéd scene. Ted wants to take Em out for lunch, but Em says that Ted's already done that a million times this week. If Ted leans in any closer he's going to accidentally kiss my face. And then he'll have those girl cooties he dreads so much. Emmett has succeeded in putting on the ugliest outfit of the season. Ted tries to kiss Emmett, but Emmett gives The Lean. Ted leaves first so that Emmett can stand and ponder.
Quick clothing ad through a shop window. Someone's playing a violin on a street, so it must be Ethan, who is the only street musician genius in all of Pittsburgh. I love that they make Ethan play beneath a rainbow flag, so that we never forget for a second that this is the show about the gay struggle. Gay Violin Student Struggles. A "handsome stranger" drops some cash into Ethan's case. Ethan stops and tells the stranger that he accidentally dropped a hundred. The stranger is Brian, and the drop was no accident, of course. Brian tells Ethan that he knows a way Ethan can make thousands of dollars instead of peddling on the street for tuition. He says he's going to get a cup of coffee, knowing that Ethan, like anybody else, will follow him anywhere.
Ben staples a Rage poster to a school wall and tells Michael that the comic book is now required reading for his class. He says it's not because he's fucking the author, but that the comic is appropriate for his class. He then explains the class title, but I totally fall asleep around the word "aesthetics." "Wow. Say that ten times fast while holding your breath," Michael says. It's like Ben's dating a child. Doesn't he hate that he can't have a conversation with his boyfriend without poopie jokes, allusions to Captain Astro, and stories that begin, "This one time Brian and I..."? Ben says that Rage is really good: "It might look like a comic book, but it says something important about gay people." Which is what I'm sure CowLip is going for, but unfortunately this show is the Mad Magazine of gay people. No, wait. It's totally Highlights. The "Goofus and Gallant" part. Ben blows smoke up Michael's ass, saying he cares about the characters. Even Rage, who isn't SuperThigh Ben by a long shot. Ben calls Michael an honest-to-God writer and then kisses him. Michael thanks him. I finish my beer. It's two in the morning. I'm not going to make it. Ben thanks Michael for encouraging him to follow his dream of going to Tibet. He pulls out the "When I was dying" card, saying that focusing on something positive (like being far away from Michael) gave him the strength and hope he needed to pull through. Ben shows Michael an email he got this morning from a monastery in Sarnia, accepting Ben to study there. Ben says he won't go unless Michael gives his blessing and approval. Michael gives no answer.
Lame. Ted's leaning practically on Emmett as Em tries to do his job. Ted's just beaming up at Emmett. So lame. Em asks if Ted needs to get to the warehouse for a jizzboree or some shit. Ted just laughs and laughs and laughs. He says he misses Emmett being there. Em says there are plenty of other "jerkers" now. Ted calls Em "pal" and "buddy," using those moments to touch Emmett on the tummy. I'd call that a "bad touch," Em. Ted grabs Emmett's wrist and calls him a "loving friend." Em just waits and waits and waits for...
...saved by the lesbians. Mel and Lindsay walk in, free from subplots, ex-girlfriends, or children. They came by to see the new gay punk kid clothes Em's store is carrying. Quick fashion plug. Em pulls the girls away from Ted and begs them to take Ted out of his sight for the rest of the day. Lindsay and Melanie think it's so damn cute that Ted's suddenly developed his creepy crush on Emmett.
Lindsay and Mel drag Ted out of the shop by the arm. Ted waves to the closed door in the most pathetic motion I've ever seen. Mel and Lindsay make Ted confess his crush by teasing him that Em was with a hot guy last night. Ted breaks down and says that he can't explain it. I'll try: desperation. Not you, Ted; the writers. Lindsay says that she and Mel were friends first. "Yeah, well, you're lesbians, so..." Ted says. Melanie hits him with a bag before Ted can finish the thought, which seems to make no sense at all. Lindsay says that friends turn into lovers all the time. "Even fags," Mel says. Lindsay laughs. Oh, man. I need another beer. But it's almost 2:15 and I know I'm going to fall asleep soon and there's no way I'll finish the damn thing before I fall asleep. We haven't even really gotten to the Justin/Brian stuff, and I know I'll get sleepy when that happens. Mel and Lindsay convince Ted to tell Emmett how he really feels. If Ted thinks this is a good idea, there's a statue from Chuck that Mel and Lindz might want to sell him.
Brian's trying to get Ethan to star in some commercial for something blah blah, whatever. He'll get lots of money, blah blah, not true. Gay commercial, lots of money, blah blah, overhead lighting focusing on two coffee cups instead of the two actors in the scene. Ethan's confused, Brian's sexy, blah blah, tiny reference to Iron City Beer. Justin walks in and sees his world shatter right before his eyes. Brian gives his card to Ethan just as Justin walks up. Ethan knows who Brian is. It is apparent that Brian knew who Ethan was from the beginning. Uncomfortable silence ensues until Ethan excuses himself. Brian tells Ethan that the job is his if he wants it. Ethan answers with a heavy round of mouth-breathing. Justin finishes the silent sentence. Oh, it's like I had another beer, but I didn't. Justin finishes the silent sentence? What am I, a romance novelist?
Emmett can't believe the prices at the restaurant where Ted's taken him to tell him that he's in love and wants to help raise the baby. Oh, wait. That's Joey and Rachel. My bad. Ted tells Em to just order whatever he wants. Em asks for the waiter, to go. Ted bristles with jealousy. Ted then drinks an entire glass of water. Oh, for fuck's sake. The water-drinking bit. Em can't believe how much water Ted's been drinking. Ted says he's thirsty. Em asks Ted why he's been acting so weird lately. Ted weirdly asks what Em means by weird. "Well, it's like you've got something to say, but you're not telling me," Em says. Ted starts to say what it is, but stops when the waiter comes by to pour another glass of water slowly. Then Ted starts to talk again, but stops to drink another full glass of water slowly. You'd think that Em would have dressed up for the fancy place. Ted coughs. We all wait. Ted says that he's never been lucky in love. He chases after one wrong boy one after another. "Poor baby," Em says. Ted says that he gave up hope finding anybody. "Then the other night...there he was." Em's so happy that Ted's found someone after all this time searching, and says that must be why Ted's been acting so strange. Em asks who this perfect boy is. Ted: "You." Em: "You, who?" Ted: "You, you." Em: "Me, you?" Ted: "Yes. You, you." Ted says that Em's the only one who hasn't run away from him once he got to know the real Ted. I'll say. Em's the only one who says Ted's adorable: "Who, with his little finger can lift my spirits even when they weigh three hundred pounds." Fire that writer! Fire him immediately! Jesus, what fucking bullshit is that? That had to have been approved by more than one person! I don't understand. "I love you, Emmett Honeycutt," Ted laughs. It is now Emmett's turn to drink the full glass of water. And...scene! And with that, I have to go to bed, since I feel really ill.
Okay. day. Post-jog. Sobriety. Coffee. Back to work. Brian's staring at his computer screen. Justin wants to talk. Brian holds up one finger and makes Justin wait again, just long enough for Brian to have pulled an unnecessary power play, reminding Justin just who the Alpha Dog is around this here fancy loft. Justin apologizes. "What for?" Brian asks. Justin says he didn't mean for it to happen. "I know," Brian says into his computer screen. "You were the poor, helpless victim of a love-bashing." Fire that writer, too. Justin says he should have told Brian. "And taken all the fun out of it?" Brian laughs. He asks Justin how big Ethan's dick is. Justin says that has nothing to do with it. "Since when?" Brian asks. Brian's "chart" that he's reading on his monitor looks like the cover art for The Mothman Prophecies. Brian moves in toward Justin's face and delivers the ultimate Queer as Folk monologue: "You love cock. You love it down your throat. You love it up your ass. You love riding it. And after you come, you love to fall asleep with it still inside you." No limits, people. ["Plus now when I write that in Pamie's birthday card year, she'll think I'm copying the show." -- Wing Chun] Justin tries to get Brian to stop fucking with him. Brian points out that Justin's hard now, so there must be a ring of truth to what he just said. Justin pushes Brian away and says there are other things. "Flowers? Picnics? Violins," Brian tries. "He loves me," Justin whines. Brian mocks the "dreamy-eyed schoolboy." Justin says that Ethan loves Justin in ways that Brian can't. Brian corrects this by saying, "In ways that I won't." Justin: "He told me that I'm all he wants." Brian: "They're still using that one?" Justin is near tears as he says that it's more than Brian's ever said to him. Brian says something much more romantic every single day to Justin. Three little words that show how much he cares. How responsible and independent he is. Just three little words: "I'll get this." Justin, you'll miss those three words when they're gone. Brian mashes his face into Justin's and says that he's never going to say those things to Justin, and he'll never act that romantic, so he doesn't understand why Justin's still hanging around. "Would you care if I wasn't?" Justin says way too loudly and at an awkward pitch. Brian stares Justin in the eyes for a while and then says, "It's your call where you wanna be." I like how Brian keeps the position of power even when he's not in control of the situation. Justin mashes his face up in pain, unused to having to make choices about things. He just wants someone to tell him what to do and then punish him for being such a bad boy earlier.
Debbie's passing out postcards for the Babylon party all over Woody's. I love how all of the extras patiently tolerate Debbie interrupting all of their conversations. Where's the smoking at this bar? Vic compliments Debbie on her agent skills. Debbie kisses pouting Michael's cheek. She asks what's wrong. He complains about Ben going to Tibet. "He's out of his fucking mind," Debbie says. Michael complains about his "cosmic destiny," where every time he falls in love with someone, he leaves town. Oh, every time? Because I think that Brian still lives in Pittsburgh. And that's really your one time, Mike. Debbie says that Ben can't go, since nobody knows where the fuck Tibet is, and it's too dangerous. The Jewish lady then crosses herself and wonders what would happen if Ben got sick way out in that remote wasteland known as Tibet. Michael tells Debbie to stop scaring him. Debbie says that somebody needs to talk some sense into Ben. "If you ask me," Vic starts, "he's making perfect sense. Remember Christmas Eve, three years ago? I was lying there in that hospital bed, attached to every goddamn tube known to man." You can practically feel the words "Oh, shut up, Vic!" fly through the screen. Vic says that as soon as he got up, he bought tickets to Italy for himself and Debbie. He doesn't finish the story, so I'm pretty sure that they never made it to Italy. "Ben's not dying!" Michael says, pointing out the differences between strapping young Ben and withery ol' Vic in the most tactful way. Vic says that Ben might not be "dying" at this moment, but he's going to die eventually, and just about eight days ago Ben was too sick to bowl.
"Your boyfriend's an asshole," Ethan says. "He's not an asshole," Justin says. And there's a year and a half of any Brian Kinney forum thread summed up in eight words. "He's honest," Justin says. "If anyone's an asshole, I am, for lying." And there's the rest of the forum, all summed up. Ethan asks how Brian found out. Justin says he doesn't know, and there's no way Brian would have told him. Ethan throws the hundred-dollar bill back at Justin and tells him to tell Brian to keep his donation to the arts. I swear, Justin's all, "Are you sure? One hundred dollars is a lot of money." Justin has no pride, no morals, nothing. "I once had to suck three cocks for this. You just got it for a little fiddling and for fucking my boyfriend's boyfriend. You're lucky. Keep the hundred. Think of all the drugs you could buy with it." Ethan drinks wine from the bottle and starts with the judging: "At least I know why you're with him." Because Justin's a money-grubbing whore! "God, he's beautiful," Ethan says, almost nauseous at Brian's beauty. Oh. That's not exactly what I thought Ethan was going to say. "He must be great in bed." Uh, what's going on? Another threesome? "Yeah, he is," Justin says, again with the understanding of humanity and feelings and such. Ethan rips the hundred-dollar bill out of Justin's grip. Justin says it's when they're not in bed that they have problems. Oh, that helps. Ethan says he's not the answer. He has to think about himself. There's a big competition coming up that he needs to practice for, and can't waste time on Justin anymore. "I want to stay," Justin says. "Well, you can't," Ethan says. "You can't. So just go back to your boyfriend. And I'll go back to my violin." He says the last line in a whisper. I can't help laughing every time this kid overacts like this. "I'll go back to my violin!" Is that a threat or a promise? Ethan starts grinding away with his back turned so we can't see that he's not playing. Justin tries to get Ethan to talk to him, but Ethan's fixing to put a bow in Justin's tummy if Justin doesn't back the fuck up. Justin leaves, stiltedly.
Emmett pointedly makes a sandwich. Why can't anyone on this show do something without such deliberation? It's like, "I'M MAKING MY LUNCH!" All Crispin Glover in Wild at Heart. I'm PLAYING THE VIOLIN! I'm BREAKING UP WITH MY BOYFRIEND! I'm HAVING A CRUSH ON MY BEST FRIEND! I'm WEARING A WIG! I'm AN INVISIBLE BABY BOY! I mean, why the huffing while making a giant sandwich? Emmett tells Michael that Ted said he wants to be more than just friends. I guess it's supposed to be right after their dinner, because Michael says he thought Emmett already ate. Em says he couldn't eat after Ted's confession. Neither could I. This part is so retardedly lame that I'm just going to write it down and leave it alone, or it might end up turning into a three-page rant. Michael: "So, what did you say?" Emmett (with an eye-roll): "'Excuse me, I have to go to the bathroom.'" Michael: "Sure!" Em: "No. I mean, to him. I was drinking a lot of water." How was that not cut? Em wonders what he's going to do. Michael's too busy with his own problem to care, really. He tells Em to ask himself whether he has feelings for Ted. Em says he has warm, fuzzy feelings, but in a friendly way. Not "those" kind of feelings. Michael says that Em will just have to bite the bullet and tell Ted. Ben just walks into the apartment, which always makes me wonder what apartment we're visiting here. Ben asks if he can make a sandwich, since he didn't get dinner. Michael scolds Ben for not eating. Ben is ducking into the bathroom, presumably to make his sandwich, and tells Michael the "good news": there might be someone interested in subletting his apartment. Ben leaves. Michael pouts. Em gives Michael the "bite the bullet" advice, right back at him.
Justin enters the loft and tries to make it seem like he chose Brian, and not that Ethan threw him out on his ass. He slowly walks up to the bed where Brian is. He starts taking off his clothes. Brian watches. Justin walks closer to the bed. They stare at each other. Justin takes off his clothes. Brian lifts the sheet. Justin crawls into the bed and spoons with Brian, facing away. Neither says a word, since there's nothing left for them to say to each other.
Sweaty Michael and Ben have just finished some kind of sex act, or so the sweat on their chests and foreheads would like us to think. Ben is lying down while Michael is sitting in the most unflattering position of all time. He looks like a little man-woman hunched over the foot of the bed like a gargoyle. Ben forces himself to call Michael "baby." Michael says that Tibet is far away. He asks if doctors are there. Ben says that he's been checking it out, and Tibet's pretty modern now. He says he's not going to live his life in fear. Michael reminds Ben that six months is a long time. Ben asks if Michael doesn't want him to go. Michael says he knows the trip is important to Ben. Ben says he's not going to go unless Michael's okay with it. He kisses Michael's arm. Michael looks around and then says, "No. No, this is not about what I want. This is about what you need. So, go. With my blessing and approval." Oh, whew! The tension on that was so long and drawn-out! I was almost concerned there for a second that we were going to have something to talk about for the eight months.
Ted sings opera and waters his plants. For like, a while. The script on this episode must be about twenty-five pages long. There's a knock on the door. Ted very pointedly goes and looks out the peephole. I'll consider that my own shout-out, since Ted's the only one with a real door. Not a real lock on the door, though. Em hopes that he didn't show up too early. Ted says he was just giving the plants a little H2O and some blah blah blah. Em says he wanted to talk right away. Ted asks if he can get Em some breakfast. Em declines, and asks to sit down. They sit. Em: "I was up all night, uh, thinking about what you said." Ted interrupts to say that this is the best idea that's ever happened, since they have so much in common and since Ted's run out of other people who might be interested, and that nobody even comes near him anymore now that he's totally creeped out, and since all of the other friends are together now, what with Monica and Chandler married. He also says "simpatico," which would make me run from the room. Em: "Teddy, I, uh, I am truly touched. Uh, you might even say overwhelmed by your, by your feelings. And uh, so, so flattered. But you see, I, I, huh, I don't know how to say this. Um." Ted finally saves Em and says he understands. They should just stay friends. Em nods. Ted slaps Em on the thigh and says they have so much in common they can even read each other's minds. "It was just a thought," Ted says. "A suggestion." He runs out of the room crying, asking Em to let himself out.
Michael finishes putting up his Rage display. This can't be good for the other comics in his store, all this Rage-centric stuff. It's also not good for Michael's raging Brian crush. Justin comes into the shop, all haggard. Michael tells him that he looks like shit. He says that they have an interview with Pittsburgh Out in a second, and that Justin could have dressed up a little. Justin points out that he's an artist and is supposed to look like hell. Michael says that this is for Brian. Isn't it, though? Justin pissily makes his coffee and pissily complains that everything's always for Brian. "Brian calls all the shots! Brian controls the show. Including us." Michael practically reads from our forum: "If you ask me, he's been pretty good to you. I mean, he saved your life. Took you in, he's putting you through school. He protects you. He looks after you. You know? Whether you believe it or not, he loves you. More than he's ever loved anyone." Hey, Jealousy! Justin says that Brian doesn't love him: "He fucks me." Michael stands up on his high horse and says, "Well, why don't you find somebody else?" Pause, pause, pause. "Or maybe you already have." I wish I knew who was on the Polaroid so obviously placed over Michael's left shoulder. Justin asks if Brian told Michael. "He never said a word," Michael says, like that shows some kind of dignity in Brian. "I told him," he says heroically. Justin asks how Michael knew. "I saw the two of you kissing on the street!" like Justin was having sex on Liberty Avenue by a stop sign. Justin calls Michael an asshole. "Don't call me an asshole," Michael retorts. He calls Justin an ungrateful little prick. Justin tells Michael to mind his own business. Michael says that Brian is his business, since he's Michael's best friend. Justin: "Fuck you, Michael! Fuck you! Fuck you!" Ah, this show does have a way with words, doesn't it? The reporter guys show up right at this point, of course, and Justin storms out of there, leaving Michael to do the interview alone with his self-righteousness and smug serenity. And look, seriously, when you live in Pittsburgh, it's not "Out." It's "Aht." Get it the fuck right or set the fucking show in Toronto, where it'll be "Oot."
Ben sits at the diner reading about tantric Buddhism. Debbie says she's heard about "that stuff," and knows how it's supposed to give you longer orgasms. She jokes that Danielle Steel does it for her. Ben says he'd better get to the PASSPORT OFFICE!!! Debbie goes running after Ben out in the street, forgetting her job and everything. She hands him a package of lemon bars in case he gets hungry later. Ben thanks her. They hug and kiss because they've fallen in such love with each other over the past six days in which Debbie has come to completely accept and love Ben for who he is. She says that he won't get lemon bars in Tibet. He says he'll miss them. "I bet you're gonna miss a lot of things," Debbie says. Then once again they remind us that six months is a long time. Debbie says it's a long time for Michael to have to wait. Ben says that he talked it over with Michael and that everything's going to be fine. He says that Michael might even be better off not having Ben around to worry about. "So, you're doing him a favor?" Debbie asks. "What the fuck is that? Some kind of noble self-sacrifice?" Ben says that Michael would have an easier ride if he was gone. "Who says love's an easier ride -- General Motors?!" Jesus, fuck, this writing. People, she'll be here all week. Try the veal. Pwing!!! Is this thing on? I said, General Motors! General Motors! Hello? Hello? Debbie says that Ben's not doing Mike a favor by leaving. She asks if Ben's strong enough to see this through. She leaves. So does Ben. I wish I were drunk again.
Rage party. It's kicking. The same people who are always at Babylon on a Friday night are here again, but this time it's all for Rage. People dance holding comic books over their heads. Did they pay for those, or were they free? Why would you dance holding a comic book over your head, anyway? Vic hands Debbie and Jennifer a Ragetini and a Zepherpolitan. Mel, Lindz, and Daphne are the only other women allowed in Babylon tonight. Everybody talks about how great Brian is to throw this party. It's the same party they always have here, but with a giant cut-out of Brian and masks for everybody to wear. Em tries to get Ted to joke with him, but now Ted has to be obvious in the complete opposite direction, so he mumbles and leaves like a total drama queen. Daphne calls Justin a star. Justin's not wearing a mask. Debbie and Jennifer both say the word "fuck," so we know that Jennifer's character has done a complete arc this season. Tuck that storyline away.
I don't know what to tell you guys. It appears that the entire budget of this season has gone into two things. One was that tiny animated Rage thing a few episodes ago, where Rage flew over Gayopolis. The other is this: a small stage play re-enacting the story of the comic book, which we fucking know by heart now because we were there for Justin's bashing, we were there when Michael thought of the idea, and we were there for every excruciating moment when they drew this frame by frame. Now, for some reason, we're subjected to the story yet again, when we already know it. This time it's "acted" out by Brian, Justin, and Michael lookalikes on a giant stage with that same announcer with the scary eyes. Do I have to recap it? Because I feel like I've been recapping this same bashing story for about a year. Oh, because I pretty much have. Let's all move on together, shall we? They all act like they haven't seen a giant stage in the room this entire time with giant set pieces that say "Gayopolis." Why couldn't Justin get some kind of flashback having to watch the fake Justin get bashed on stage? And will anyone buy the comic now that they know the entire story? And how does having men think each other queer and then beat each other to death do any justice for gay people? That's not advancement at all, is it? I do like the cut to Zephyr as he has to watch J.T. and Rage kiss passionately.
More dancing. Brian asks why Justin and Michael aren't thanking him. Michael leaves to get a drink. Brian asks what Michael's problem is. Justin says that he and Michael aren't speaking to each other right now. He says they each think the other is a complete asshole. Brian says that he just spent a fucking fortune on this party, so they need to sort it out. "After what he told you?" Justin asks. Like Michael caused all of this. You put Ethan's dick in your mouth, honey. Michael was only gloating. You should have seen that coming from Season One, Episode One. Brian says that Michael was just looking out for him. Like Zephyr looks after Rage. He tells Justin that if he wants his comic book to be a success, he needs to put his personal feelings aside. "And don't PISS on your achievement." Never a second of subtlety on this show.
Dancing. Em goes to the bar and finds Ted. Ted tries to get away, but Em pulls him back and the clichéd conversation ensues. Em says that Ted's embarrassed, but that there's no reason to be. Ted says he made a fool of himself. Em says that Ted's not a fool. It takes courage to say what's in your heart: "More courage than saving the world from archvillains." Well, not really, but whatever. Ted labels himself "Pathetic Man," and then pouts. Em says the following: "You're not pathetic. You're funny and witty. You're brilliant. It's true! That's what makes you sexy, because you're so, so smart. You know what they say. The brain is the second sexiest organ. Which is not to say that the rest of you is not hot. Hi! Look at those pecs!" I don't fucking believe this. Emmett proceeds to talk himself into liking Ted by lying about Ted's assets. They make out. I'm kinda grossed out. Why does this have to happen? I hate this! I hate it so much! Emmett looks like he's under some kind of hypnotic control. Maybe Ted's an evil archvillain and Em's under some kind of queer superpower that forces him to fuck pathetic losers! Help! Rage! Help your gay friend in distress!
Dancing. Dancing. Nobody has a son. Justin finds Mel and Lindsay -- the meddling lesbians who make poor decision after poor decision -- who tell Justin that Brian's looking for him: "It's your big night, sweetie. He wants to be with you." Okay, sure. Justin gets a moment of happiness and hope and goes looking for Brian.
Michael tells Ben that Tibet's going to seem pretty quiet after this killer party with the dancing and drugs. Should Ben be doing drugs? Oh, it totally doesn't matter. Michael says he won't come to Babylon without Ben. He'll sit at home and knit. Ben tells Michael that he's not going to Tibet. So much for dreams. Now there's the cliffhanger. Michael no longer has Ben's abandonment for his excuse when he goes and fucks Brian weekend. Whoops! Michael almost opened his mouth during that kiss.
Justin finds Brian, of course, in the back, fucking some guy in a blue light. If Brian doesn't find what he's looking for right away, he just finds someone else just as good. Everybody's replaceable. And it's over, right there. I think he's fucking the actor who played Rage in the skit. Brian Kinney finally gets to fuck himself. His character arc is complete. To finish hammering home the point, Björk's "Human Behavior" cranks up. It's almost a shout-out to Omar G, but not quite.
Because when Justin comes back out, he finds Ethan standing there in the middle of the party. I love how main characters can always see right through a crowd. How the crowd is respectful of sightlines for main characters. Dude, lay off on the black turtleneck for at least one night. It's a fucking party. Ethan tells Justin that he can't practice Beethoven anymore because he can't stop thinking about Justin: "I try to forget about you but I can't. You're all I think about." Does he think he's the first one to come up with these lines? Brian's finished fucking and strolls back into the dance hall. He gets a great view of Justin and Ethan going to town on each other. So does every other main character, including Michael, who watches Brian watch Justin kiss Ethan until Ethan sees Brian. Then Justin and Ethan watch Brian watch them while Michael watches and Debbie watches nearby. Ethan always kisses like he's in pain. Justin and Ethan very slowly walk out of Babylon together, keeping their eyes on Brian the entire time. It's not an episode of Queer As Folk unless someone's taking a long walk away. Three seconds later, Brian dances up to the hottest guy in the room. They will sleep together and everybody's exactly where they were when this episode started. I'm ignoring the Ted and Emmett thing, since I'm hoping that Season Three, Episode One will begin with "We were really drunk and that was a bad idea."
Dancing, dancing, dancing. Close-up on Brian. Closer. Closer. CLOSER! INTO HIS EYE! THERE ARE NO TEARS! DO YOU SEE IT? NO TEARS! NONE! END OF SEASON!