Previously: Brian and Justin were going to go to Vermont together, but Brian had to stay so he could keep his job. Justin was mad! Emmett became a mega-millionaire. Then he wasn't. The girls had a threesome with their Kato.
One week later. Justin's back from his trip, and arrives at Brian's loft to find Brian having sex with a trick. Justin is as unsurprised as the rest of us are. He pulls off his jacket and walks through the bedroom to the bathroom. "You're back," Brian says through grunts. "You noticed," Justin says without stopping. Pan down to the Blue Light Special, who seems to have not noticed there's anybody else in the room. Justin's shirt says "69."
Poor Ben. If it's not about Tibet, they don't want to write it for him. So he's standing in his kitchen making some Tibetan Dumplings. I guess everything's fine with him and Michael and he's not sick anymore. Whew! Ben feeds Michael a taste of the dumpling. Michael whines that it's too spicy, and that his Western Pennsylvania taste buds aren't prepared for Eastern cuisine. Ben calls him a sissy and says that spicy food is good for you; it cleans out your toxins by making you sweat. Michael, of course, says he would rather think of other ways to sweat out toxins. They kiss. Ben retches from Michael's lips (instead of the other way around, which we're used to). Michael brags that his kisses make Ben nauseous. Then the worst line in the history of this show: "Wait. You don't double over from a dumpling." You're tougher than a dumpling, Ben! Fight! Live! Don't die! Wait! And can we kill the didgeridoos in the background, please? Ben says that he's totally fine and everything's great. He kisses Michael's cheek. Michael suggests that Ben eat something "a little less exotic." They don't go for the dick joke here, surprisingly. Ben says that the monks have been eating this stuff for centuries. "You're not a monk. I can vouch for that," Michael says. Keep that porn theory going, people, because otherwise you're liable to double over like Ben at some of these shitty lines. Ben says he wants to live in a monastery some day. Huh? Michael jokes that Ben gets enough hot man love here at home. Huh? Ben makes a noise and says he wants to live in Tibet, study Buddhism, and meditate. "Send me a postcard," Michael says. Well, he didn't actually invite you, now, did he? Also, I thought two weeks ago, Ben told us all this Buddhism stuff was bullshit. Now he's Buddha Ben the Buddhist Believer? Ben sets the table and sits down to eat. He asks Michael if he's ready. Michael punches some numbers in a phone and says he just has to do one thing. I'm positive he's about to call Brian to ask how the trick went, but instead he calls up and orders a pizza. Ben takes the phone away from Michael. And...scene! Brilliant!
Emmett is still upset, one week later, that Pickle left lots of cash to him, but Pickle's family took it away. Mel says that she's read the judge's injunction, and she's decided: "You're screwed." Emmett starts to stammer, but Ted tells him that Mel's just talking fancy lawyer talk to cover her ass. Forty minutes later, he finishes, and Mel says she can clarify what she meant by telling Emmett that he's "fucked." God, this writing. Mel tells Emmett that the Pickle family is going to make it look like Emmett manipulated George into giving him that money. "That's not true," Emmett says. Mel laughs and says, "Honey, truth has as much to do with law as gay men have to do with lesbians." Is that a joke? Ted says that Emmett can't play "Mary Had a Little Lamb" on a kazoo, much less orchestrate a finagling of millions. His words, not mine. Mel says that they're going to make Pickle look like an old, confused man. Ted asks if Emmett should just give up the money. Debbie butts in here and shouts that they'll have to saw her arm off to get her diamond bracelet back. Mel says that the lawyers would be more than happy to do just that and then charge her for the medical fees. Hey, this episode? Let's do a curse count for Debbie. Ready? First line: "Fuck that!" Emmett sighs and flops his face to the bar. Some extra shouts in the back that an order's up. What's with the loud extra lines lately? It sounds so fake.
Brian's job. He's mad about the new client Big Boss has given him. I don't really know why he hates it, but it's a Midwestern Steakhouse kind of thing, like an Outback Steakhouse or whatever, and Brian just hates it, hates it, hates it. Big Boss doesn't care, since he just had to make Brian partner, and now thinks he should handle the pardners. The camera is perched up in a corner far away as we watch Big Boss and Brian walk toward it. That's some good directing, right there. The secretary is stealing focus. Actually, the blue neon sign is the most interesting thing in the shot. Brian says this ad campaign will take more than a miracle. "It'll take DIVINE INTERVENTION." I don't know why he said it like that, either. But it's all loud and drawn out, like we're supposed to pay attention because an angel is going to give him his idea for the ad campaign.
Justin is complaining to Daphne that Brian's not romantic enough. Yes, I said "Daphne." There she is. Her one moment of the year, and they're giving her bad hair. Justin's mad that Brian never showed up in Vermont, and never even called Justin. Daphne says that Brian was probably pissed off, since Justin left without telling him. Justin says he never said he wasn't going, and that Brian was the one who cancelled on him. Daphne says that now, Justin knows how their moms felt when their dads would call and say they were stuck late at the office. Exactly. Thank you, Daphne. "I'm not some goddamn housewife," Justin says. Yes. You. Are. You're worse than that: you're a sex boy house slave. Your function is to eat, sleep, and fuck. You're there as eye candy. You are there as an ass to ram and a mouth to stick dicks into. You live rent-and bills-free so that Brian can use you when he wants. What other contribution do you make to that house? To that relationship? Have you ever taken Brian out to dinner? Have you ever splurged and bought him something? Have you ever asked to help out at his job? No? Then shut up.
Daphne and Justin get fuzzed out of focus so that we can watch a violin come into frame. Three notes are played. "You know, he's pretty good," Daphne decides. She's quick like that. Pussylip's playing on a street corner. Justin says that Ethan goes to Justin's school, and that Justin saw him play once. I can't believe that Justin hasn't been gabbing about Ethan for the past hour of his conversation with Daphne. He'd totally have already told her all about him and they'd have gone to spy on him. Justin would want to gush about this to Daphne -- about the new cute boy who likes Justin and whom Justin can't stop thinking about, who's the romantic he wishes he could turn Brian into. If only Brian played the violin instead of strangers' cocks. And also, from fifty feet away, Daphne comments on how great Ethan's eyes are, even though his head is down and his hair covers most of his eyes. Daphne excuses herself to go to Biology. What campus are they on? Justin watches Ethan play for a while. I guess it's wintertime, because everyone's dressed for the winter. But didn't Justin just have spring break? ["If he's in college, that was probably in February, right? So it could very well still be winter. Certainly, it is in Toronto." -- Wing Chun] Yay! I love it when Ethan plays because there's nothing really to recap. Yay!
Ethan stops playing and the crowd of three applaud. They lay in some woman shouting, "Excellent!" and it sounds just as fake as the rest of those adlibs. Ethan brags about the piece he was just playing as he puts his violin away. Justin asks why he's playing on a street corner. Ethan says he needs the cash. Justin says there's probably an easier way. Ethan wiggles and says he could always be a go-go dancer. Justin says he doesn't recommend that, but leaves out the part where he explains that he was a prostitute. Justin tells him that he's pretty good. Ethan winks and tells Justin that he's actually a genius. How is this kid the best actor this show's ever seen? He's not even that good. Maybe it's because he hardly has any lines. Ethan says they've been calling him a genius since he was six, so he eventually had to start believing it. He finishes counting his money and brags that he got eighty bucks. Wow. How long was he playing out there? He says it's not bad, considering he's not even really playing. Justin wonders if that means that Ethan's got a tape deck in his sleeve or something. Ethan tells Justin that when he plays, he's just another instrument, and that the music is going through him. Justin can't believe that someone else has described exactly what it feels like when he's drawing. Yeah, another guy said that last night on The Hamptons, so don't freak your shit like Ethan's sister shares a birthday with you, Justin. It's how artists feel about their work when they wear goatees or have miraculous gimp hands. Ethan has a problem understanding people's auras and personal spaces. He just walks right in and practically spits on you as he talks. Justin and Ethan notice garbage men loading a couch into the back of a truck about two blocks away. Justin tells Ethan that the couch is a piece of shit. Ethan says it's his new couch. They run after the garbage truck and ask if they can have the couch instead. Ethan throws his violin on the couch and has Justin help him carry the couch back to his apartment.
Stiff lawyers watch Pickle's videotape. I wonder if Emmett did the ventriloquist show with them like he did for us. That's really impressive. Emmett! Show them how you and Pickle can do the "Who's On First?" routine! That'll show them that you two were really in love! The main lawyer accuses Emmett of faking the tape by having a demented Pickle read lines Emmett had written out for him. They compliment the quality of the tape. How is this a better quality version than the one we saw last week? It really is a much clearer copy. Emmett, for some reason, feels the need to tell the lawyers that Pickle was "of sound body" when he died. So not helping, Em. The lawyers call Emmett an "ambitious young hustler" from a gay porn site. You know, that's all kind of true. The lawyer asks why Emmett would persuade a man of Pickle's age to take Emmett around the world when the strain of the trip could harm Pickle physically. They say that Pickle made the deposit before he and Emmett left on the trip. Really? It took months for the $10 million check to clear and Emmett never heard about...Porn Theory! Stick with the Porn Theory! Otherwise my ears are going to start bleeding from how impossible it all is. Mel knows that Emmett's screwed, so she threatens to leak the tape to the press. Emmett may not get a dime, but everyone would know that Pickle was gay, and how horrible that would be! She says that nobody would think of "Schickle's Pickle" the same way. This show constantly takes two steps backward. I know the show's tagline is: "It Sucks to be Gay," but I really hate it when it adds, "Because straight people are terrified of us."
Ben's blabbing some queer theory to his huge class, but he's got a bit of dumpling double-over going on. A woman who looks exactly like Tracy asks if he's okay. Ben's last name is Bruckner. Ben Bruckner the Buddhist with the Bad Blood. He says he is, but then he's clearly not, and just faints right there on his giant stage. A horrible extra reads too close to the microphone: "Mr. Bruckner? Mr. Bruckner, are you okay? Somebody get a doctor! Get a doctor!" Jesus, this show.
Justin's laughing that Ethan has tricked him into carrying a couch to the top floor of his apartment. Oh, yeah, like you didn't want to be just there right now anyway. They throw the couch down on the gigantic empty space in the middle of the apartment that says, "Couch here!" They gasp and moan together. Justin compliments Ethan's place. Ethan says he found everything in it on the street, "including Wolfram." Justin immediately asks if that's his boyfriend. Ethan says that it is, and then points out the Wolfram in question. It's Ethan's cat, of course. Justin loves the kitty. Ethan blabs on about the importance of the cat's name, but I hate it when Ethan puts on his beret. Justin makes a pussy joke. From out of nowhere, Justin says he wishes he had a cat like that. Ethan tells him to get one. Justin bitches about Brian. Then he brags about how rich and successful Brian is. Ethan teases Justin for seeing an older man. Ethan asks if they live together. "Yeah," Justin says. I don't think Ethan's going to let you live in his tiny place, Justin, so you best make up with Mom or get a real job pretty soon. Ethan talks about how lucky Brian is, having a place full of pretty things. Justin and Ethan laugh. Justin says he's got to go. Ethan says he needs to practice anyway. We follow them to the door. I'm not really sure why this is taking so long, but eventually Justin invites Ethan to see his art exhibit. Ethan leans toward us and nods without commitment, the ultimate turn-on for Justin. As the scene ends, they put Wolfram too close to the microphone so he can make a mewing noise. It's like an Eminem album with the sound this episode.
Emmett is very upset that the lawyers called him a hustler. Ted takes this opportunity both to mock Emmett and to touch the crystal dick again at the same time, saying that Emmett is an award-winning hustler porn star. Michael says there's nothing to worry about, since Mel's such a good lawyer. Emmett tells Ted and Michael what she's planning on doing. Apparently none of this has sunk in with Em, and he doesn't realize why Pickle's people wouldn't want the tape leaked to the press. So Ted explains it for him. They're gay and Pickle's people aren't. Ohhhhh. And for those of you who watch this episode more than once, look how Hal Sparks goes into Rain Man mode on this monologue and just rocks himself forward and backward, trying to look like he's "listening" and "agreeing," but it mostly looks like his Ritalin wore off. The phone rings. Ted says that this money is "practically" Emmett's because of Mel's brilliant idea to tell the public that Pickle was gay. He says that they should go out and celebrate, with a strange series of snaps and lip-biting. Michael mumbles as quickly as he can as he answers the phone, "Yeah, soon as Ben gets here." Now, here's where something went terribly wrong in the taping process. Either they forgot to write something or they decided to let Em and Ted adlib for a second as Michael gets the bad news that Ben isn't "getting there" any time soon. Emmett wasn't really going to wait for him anyway, as Ted helps Emmett into his coat and they awkwardly mumble that the money will really be Emmett's again and there's nothing to worry about. Michael says he'll be "right there," and hangs up the phone. Ted grabs Emmett's stomach and wiggles it, asking if Michael wants steak or lobster. Michael takes a very long time and then turns around. They cut the scene before he can deliver his line poorly.
Justin flips through some of his drawings as Brian comes home. Brian's in his own world wondering what he's going to do about Outback Steakhouse, and Justin's complaining to himself that Brian doesn't care about him by staging a conversation between the two of them about how much Brian misses Justin while he's at work. It's not like Justin's asking Brian about his job and why it's been stressing him so much lately that for the first time in their relationship it seems the job is coming first, perhaps because he has a new boss and just made partner. At least Justin's got the monotone falsity of Brian's voice down. Brian finally notices that Justin's talking to himself and teases him gently for it. "And what's with the little voice?" he asks. "Are you...planning...to become...a ventriloquist?" Justin pouts, "That's one way to hear what you want." Oh, poor little baby. Do your homework. Brian finally asks Justin how he liked his trip. Justin smiles and says it wasn't much fun without Brian. Brian asks why Justin didn't say he was going. "I didn't think you cared," Justin says. Brian holds up his work and says there were things he had to do. Can't these two just talk to each other instead of always only saying one-third of the amount of words they need to say? Justin asks if Brian missed him. Brian answers the way he always does: he slams Justin into a pole and fucks the shit out of him. Ah, young love. Yikes, that must be cold. And I understand that they use condoms because they keep showing us, but either Justin's ass can't hold back a fart or they use some goopy condoms. Man, I just grossed myself out. I hate it when I do that.
Hospital room. Hee. Ben's all passed out, oxygen mask over his face, and the first thing Michael says is, "Ben, you okay?" like Ben just choked on some rice or something. The doctor walks in. This is the most poorly lit hospital room I've ever seen. "What's wrong with him, doctor?" Michael asks. I'm shocked he didn't answer, "He has AIDS, Mr. Novotny." The doctor says that Ben has acute pancreatitis, and I can't believe Michael doesn't make a "I knew he was cute, but this is ridiculous!" joke. The doctor says this is probably because of Ben's meds. "He appears to have had a near fatal reaction," the doctor says, like this is Michael's fault. Michael asks if Ben's going to be okay. The doctor says that it all depends. He starts to leave, and Michael asks how long it'll be before they know. "couple of days are going to be critical," the doctor says. They'll monitor him and keep him off his meds. The doc walks out full of bedside manner. Michael asks if he can stay the night. The doctor asks if he's family. Michael takes forever to say, "I'm his lover." Duh-dun-DUHHH! The doctor says that Michael can stay. Can we get someone to install some overhead fluorescents in that hospital? Someone's likely to take the wrong medication because they can't read a chart.
Even though nobody gave a shit when Pickle died, and hardly anyone comes around to visit Vic and see if he needs anything, nor does anybody ever help to babysit or take care of InvisiGus, the entire world (busy Brian included) has rallied around the support of Ben. Wait. That's not right. They're here to support Michael. Ben, apparently, has absolutely nobody in his life. But Debbie's not here, of course, because she's too busy being self-righteous. Emmett wants to do something for Michael, but everything is being taken care of by somebody else. He has to throw a fucking tantrum about how he wants to do something. How about finding another way to pay off that mortgage? Ted makes some mention to the effect that Mel and Lindz have a lot going on at their house. Lindsay practically screams, "Who told you about the three-way?" before Ted adds that he knows they've got renovations going on. Justin says he'll look after the comic-book shop, since Emmett knows nothing about comics, and Justin has no job or real schoolwork or anything. Ted already packed an overnight bag. Brian says that Ben won't want flowers since he's unconscious. Brian tells Emmett to boil water. "He's not pregnant," Mel says. "I want some coffee," Brian says. Okay, that was pretty good. Michael shows up, and everyone asks if he's feeling better. Oh, wait, I keep forgetting it's not Michael who's sick, since everybody's at his house doing things for him instead of offering to help out Ben, Ben's house, Ben's job, or Ben's family. I'm so stupid sometimes. Lindsay notes that Michael looks exhausted. Thanks for helping, Lindz. Everyone gets to adlib a line, and none of them is appropriate. Asking about what doctors said, fevers are going, how Ben's feeling. Michael walks to his bedroom. Em tells him to sit down so he can make him some coffee. Michael says he doesn't have time because he needs to pack some things. But Ted already did that. Oh, you mean you need to talk to Brian alone in your bedroom? Okay, that I understand. Good thing Justin does, too.
Michael throws things around in his room. Brian lets himself in. He tells Michael that his room is a shithole. Michael whines that he can't find his black jeans. Brian points out that Michael is holding them. Michael changes his pants. Brian asks if Michael called Debbie. "No!" Michael whines. He says he called Vic. Well, that's pretty much the same thing, isn't it? Michael whines that he doesn't need a bunch of shit right now from her. Brian tells him to take a nap. "I can't!" Michael whines. He looks around for his blue shirt. "You're wearing it," Brian says. Michael sits down to put on his shoes. Brian sits to him on the bed. He says that Michael doesn't have to be brave on account of him. Michael says that nobody's thinking about him right now. "I'm thinking about Ben," he reminds himself. "He could DIE," he reminds us, all melodramatic like that. Brian says that they should help Michael. Michael says that he doesn't need any help. "I can do it myself," he says like he's being punished. Since when? When did Michael suddenly decide he doesn't like getting help from people? What's with the martyr routine? "You really ought to save the hero shit for the god damn comic book," Brian says without his voice changing even slightly. He's almost completely asleep right now. Maybe they hypnotize Gale Harold before taping so that he sounds that way. Michael says this isn't "hero shit," and that he can take care of himself and Ben without anyone else. He says they're doing just fine. He asks what he did with his wallet. Brian reaches out his hand and shows Michael that he's holding the wallet. Of course. Because I needed the same thing to happen three times. The jeans, the shirt, the wallet. Original.
I don't know what day it is now or why Justin's not at the damn comic-book store like he just said he would be, but now he's at the art exhibit with Daphne, who tells him that his stuff is the best in the room. Justin tells Daphne that she doesn't know shit about art. Way to take a compliment, dude. They stand awkwardly so that we can see Ethan standing in a "You can't tell it's me!" corner. He interrupts them and says that Justin's stuff is the best. He makes Justin admit that he's good at drawing. Daphne comments that it's the guy from the street, and Justin pretends he doesn't know that. She teases him and walks away, back to the faraway land she lives in. Why can't Justin tell his best friend what the fuck is going on in his life? I hate Justin. I never did before, but I really hate him now. Ethan asks who Daphne is. "Just a friend from high school," Justin says. Oh, "just"? Fuck off. Ethan asks how much Justin wants for one of the paintings. Justin asks for $3 million dollars, Mr. Bigglesworth, since he's so brilliant. Ethan says he should have asked for five. Justin tells him he can have it (dot, dot, dot) for a song. Aw, I'm gonna puke. Ethan almost cries and says, "You drive a hard bargain." He invites Justin over later "to collect." Ethan walks away, and Justin stands still, sighing.
Debbie puts an order up and we wait for a while. We hear someone too close to the microphone putting in another order. Vic walks in and sits down. He's looking pretty good. Debbie tells him that she's filling in for someone, and that it's a good thing they got their flu shots because "everybody's sick." Cue Vic's line: "Ben's in the hospital." Debbie says, "What?" and then she waits a while and then she says, "Jesus." Vic tells her Ben's got pancreatitis. Debbie figures out that it's probably from the meds. Debbie's pretty angry that she's just now finding out that Ben's sick when Michael called Vic about it last night. She's so mad she says three more curse words. Vic stands up to Debbie. She goes over and gets an order. She walks back and says, "I told him this would happen, didn't I? I told him!" Vic inserts his Emergency Backbone and gets his only real line for the past thirty-something episodes: "Right again! Congratulations!" Yay, Vic.
I love how they never put those pesky oxygen masks on a patient who's supposed to talk and look sexy. Ben's just wearing a gown now, and doesn't even look slightly messy for someone who's been in a hospital bed for two days with pancreas problems. He just wakes up, looks at Michael, and says, "Hey, cutie." Michael asks how he's feeling. "Wonderful," Ben says. Michael kisses him. On the forehead. He then tells Ben that he looks sexy in his little robe. Michael gives Ben some crushed ice to help with the fever. Ben says he didn't think he'd end up in the hospital so soon. Michael says that he hasn't ended up anywhere, and that he'll be going home soon. But Ben knows this is just the beginning of the back-and-forth to the hospital from now on. Michael says that the only trips Ben'll be taking are to Tibet. He says he booked them a stay at the Kathmandu Hilton where they'll have all-you-can-eat Yak. Ben laughs and tells Michael not to make him laugh. Usually that's so easy. Ben falls right to sleep, which is what I usually imagine happens when Michael makes a joke. The nurse walks in and says it's time for Ben's medication. Michael asks if she can come back in a little while since Ben just fell asleep. The nurse says she has to give Ben his meds when it's time to give him his meds. Michael asks what she's giving him, since his doctor says he wasn't going to take any meds for a while. Oh, man, there's some bad acting right up in here. "If you give him this? [whispering over-emphatically] He'll die!" Duh-dun-DUUUHHH! Shirley MacLaine, he ain't. The nurse leaves to go get a doctor. "Well, while you're at it, why don't you go get a brain?" Michael snaps. Oooh. Burn.
Head Boss whispers conspiratorially to Brian that the Outback Steakhouse people arrived this morning from Louisville. "On a bus?" Brian asks. Don't you mean "trailer" or "house?" Just saying "bus" isn't funny. And what time is it? Anyway, it's time for Brian's ad pitch to the steak people. Just as the meeting's about to begin, Brian gets a phone call on his cell phone. Brian answers it, for some reason I don't understand. The steakman asks if they can get this meeting going. How long have they been waiting? "Sit there. Don't move," Brian says to the person on the phone. He hangs up. Brian tells Big Boss that he's got to go, and gives him about a Sunshine's worth of explanation as to why he's just bailing on this meeting. He tells Big Boss to buy the Okies some steak. Fire him!
As Michael's business falls into the shitter, Justin sits at Ethan's apartment on the floor with a table of wine and cheese. Isn't it morning? What's going on? Where's the cat? What day is it? Ethan's blabbing on about how he comes from a long line of perfection and that he's got the most romantic history known to tertiary characters. And I don't know all that much about Judaism, but I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to say an impressed "Holy shit!" when someone tells you that his grandfather served time in a concentration camp. Justin's totally not listening, by the way. He's just licking his lips, trying to get Ethan to take off his pants. "No matter how shitty things get, I always have art," Justin says. He's not much of a wordsmith, is he? Justin then gets all serious, looks down, and says, "I've never told anyone that before." I can't believe anything this kid says because he always talks like he's seven and he's Gavin and he's about to ask if he can paint my chair. ["Hee. Justin's in the middle of a big bike race!" -- Wing Chun] Ethan teases that Justin should have told his incredibly successful hot boyfriend some of Justin's secrets. Justin pours himself more wine and asks if Ethan has a boyfriend. Ethan says there was a guy, and Ethan was crazy about him. They were together for about a year, but the guy liked to go to the clubs, party, bring guys home; it was exciting for a while. Then Ethan realized it's not what he wants. Justin asks what Ethan wants. Ethan reads page 67 out of last week's script under the character title "JUSTIN": "I want to be with somebody who only wants to be with me. Who doesn't need to see other people or be in the scene every night. I want to be with somebody I can have a picnic on the floor with and tell things to that I've never told anybody." Well, where's he going to find that?
Hospital. Brian finds Michael facing a wall. Miraculously, he doesn't fuck Mikey against it. They turn almost all of the lights off so we can't see that Hal Sparks can't actually get himself to cry. He tries to get worked up about Ben dying, but it's mostly just hiccupping and gasping for breath, hoping that self-suffocation might spring some water to his eyelids. Michael cries that he doesn't want Ben to die. He wipes his nose and holds his face away from us to wipe his "tears." He says he's not strong enough for this. "My mom was right," Michael says. "Your mom doesn't know shit," Brian says. Oh, man. Then this: Brian: "Listen to me. Listen to me. Listen to me. Are you listening?" Michael: "[sobs, then] I'm listening." Good, because I don't want to run the risk of you not listening, and Brian having to say all of that again. What is this, Pacino's acting journal? Brian reminds Michael of the night that Justin got bashed, and how Michael stayed by Brian's side all night and for the three days and was strong enough for all of them. He says that he couldn't have made it without Michael. Um, can we see that scene? Because that's better than anything you gave us this season. Michael exhales, leans forward and kisses Brian full and long on the mouth. These boys. Any excuse to make out with each other.
Emmett, Ted, and Melanie -- done with that whole "Ben" thing -- are out celebrating. It seems Pickle's people are willing to settle, and want to give Emmett one million dollars and call the whole thing off. This makes them very happy, but from where I'm sitting, it seems like nine million less than what Pickle wanted to leave Emmett in the first place. But they're happy with it and I've got the Porn Theory on my side, so I'm letting it just flow off me like Ben's suspicions of Michael's unrequited love for Brian. ["Man, Melanie is a shitty lawyer. The opposition had no case at all -- like, where was Pickle's lawyer who drafted the will and probably made the videotape to attest to the legitimacy of Pickle's wishes? -- but she just settled for 90% fucking up. Shitty. But, Porn Theory. Okay." -- Wing Chun] Mel and Ted kiss and then they both wipe the residue of opposite sex off their mouths. I don't know why, but it looks like the Wheel of Fortune set is behind them. Mel says the only catch is that they can't release the tape to the public, and Emmett has to sign a statement saying that he never had a relationship with Pickle. And she thought he'd be itching to sign this...why, exactly? ["Because she's a shitty lawyer?" -- Wing Chun] Emmett says he won't sign it. Ted, crazed and money-hungry, picks up the contract and tells Emmett not to be hasty. "You don't toss out a trick because he's got a good body but bad acne," he says. Everyone stares, and eventually Ted says this happened to him recently. It also isn't even an analogy to this situation. Mel tells Em that Pickle wanted him to have the money. She says he knows the truth, and that's all that matters. Ted says, "Think what you can do with the money!" They rejoice that Em could be set for life.
Brian comes home to find that guilty Justin is trying to recreate his afternoon delight with his actual boyfriend. He's got a floor picnic complete with candles and things he bought with Brian's money. Brian -- who has spent all afternoon consoling his best friend who might be losing his lover -- isn't in the mood to get all romantic, since he's never in the mood to get romantic. Brian tells Justin that he doesn't eat fat or carbs after 7 PM. Justin asks him to be someone completely different just this once. Brian takes a bite and says that he wants to go to Babylon because he had a shitty day and wants to unwind. Justin says he's going to make Brian some cheese and crackers. "Cheese and crackers? I'm gonna cut it," Brian says. Is that a "cut the cheese" joke? I don't even get it if it's not. Justin asks if they can please stay home for one night: "Just the two of us." Brian says Justin's too young to settle down. He kisses Justin, who tells Brian that he's too old to fuck around. Well, that'll get him to stay put, won't it? Brian says he's going to Babylon, and it's up to Justin whether he goes with him: "It's your call." He kisses Justin a few times and leaves to get ready. It's not really Justin's call. Brian already made the call. It's just Justin's decision if he wants to end up alone tonight. It takes about thirty-five minutes for Justin to finish thinking a thought, turn around, snuff out the candles in the picnic and lower the anvil to the ground that reads, "FIN."
My boyfriend and I have very similar tastes. It's gotten to where I just assume that if I like something, he probably does, too. So I was amazed a month ago when I found out that he doesn't like my Basement Jaxx CD as much as I do. I love my Basement Jaxx CD. He told me that he's not really into "gay dance music." I said I didn't think of Basement Jaxx as gay dance music, but techno. He insisted it was gay dance music. I pointed out that a friend of ours loved it, but he's also the only person that I know who would watch Queer as Folk with me. My boyfriend asked if they played Basement Jaxx on Queer as Folk. I said they didn't, and that this was not gay dance music. "Like Deee-Lite!" I said, losing the argument with those final two words. And now, in front of me, Brian is getting fucked in a blue light to a Basement Jaxx song. And like, the entire song, just dancing around mocking me as Brian gets his dick sucked and some guy is chanting, "Eat the meat." They might as well just say, "Gay dance music! He's right and you're wrong. Why don't you ask him to slow dance to Cher?" They're playing like, the entire song. I got it! It's a kick-ass song, though. Go buy the Basement Jaxx album. Fucking rules. This is the longest baths scene ever. Anyway, Brian's pretty inspired by this "eat the meat" thing and laughs himself to orgasm.
Debbie shows up in Ben's hospital room. Just as she loses her nerve and walks away, Ben wakes up and calls her back into the room. She says she didn't want to see...I mean, "disturb" him. She apologizes for not coming sooner, explaining that Michael didn't tell her. Ben says that Michael didn't want to disturb her. Debbie says she's pretty sure it wasn't her Michael was worrying about. Debbie brought Ben a thermos of homemade chicken broth, which she says cures everything. She asks how he's doing. "Oh, I'm better," he says. "No better," he says. She says she knows he'll be fine. She starts to leave, but Ben apologizes for putting Michael through all of this. He says that maybe Michael should have listened to her. "To me?" Debbie says. "What the fuck do I know?" She curses again, calling herself a controlling bitch. Ben says that she's a loving mother trying to protect her son. She says she prefers thinking about it his way. Ben invites her to stay for a while. She leaves to heat the broth, telling him he has to eat it. Ben laughs.
The lawyers want Em to sign the contract. They tell Em that Mrs. Pickle's pretty happy that Em's signing the contract. He asks to see the check first. They slide it over. Em tells Mel that he's always wanted to see a check for a million dollars. "A lot of zeroes," he says. Em rips up the check, of course, and everyone gasps. "Another devious ploy?" the head lawyer asks. Duh-dun-DUHHH! Em gives a little speech to the effect that nobody can take away what he had with Pickle, and no money in the world can buy that away from him. Great, but I think Pickle wanted you to have some cash. Maybe you should find a lawyer better than Mel so you can have your $10 million that he deposited into your account when he was completely alive and well instead of just deciding that gay poor men don't deserve that kind of money. Oh, fuck it. They hate Emmett, who declares: "You can take everything. Every cent. But the one thing I won't let you take is what George and I shared. That's mine. And you can't have it." Emmett stands and tosses the fur coat on the table. Not exactly "fuck 'em all," is it?
Michael shows up at the hospital and finds his mother sitting with Ben. This warms Michael's little heart like a bowl of homemade chicken broth.
Why the fuck would an Outback Steakhouse want to get rid of their family demographic of four to six people eating dinner at their place and go for hip, single twentysomethings who don't have enough money to buy that kind of meal? Oh, it so doesn't matter. Anyway, Brian's ad campaign is, of course, "Eat the meat." I wonder what he was going to do yesterday when he was supposed to have this meeting. Again, I wish you could see this. Brian announces he has three words, and then waits forever as his assistant stands up and turns around the piece of posterboard. Then after thirty seconds (which is how long it takes Head Hick to read three words) he shouts an outraged, "'Eat the meat'?!" When we watched MST3K, this would be that tiny repeated part of the film, the absolute worst line with the worst delivery. "That's catchy," you can hear someone saying in the back. Who said that? You're fired! Head Hick is shocked that Brian's slogan is so sexual. It takes him a long time to say so, and the camera pans in very slowly from a strange angle. "Let's hope your young singles agree," Brian says like Head Hick is retarded. For some reason, Brian doesn't mention that this'll win over the gay market, his one ace in the hole for every ad campaign he's ever done, as if he's the only ad exec who's thought of advertising to gay men. The Good Ol' Boys have a tiny meeting about it, where you can hear all of them adlibbing about how much they like it. Head Boss is very impressed with Brian and how he put together three words like that. I can't believe Brian has a job. Head Boss asks how Brian thought of that. "It just came to me," Brian says. Wah-wah-wah-waaaaaaaahhhh! As Brian walks off, he makes a tiny Longhorns "Hook 'Em" sign just as he's off-camera. I'm totally taking that as a shout-out.
So, Ben's totally better now because they're letting him wear civilian clothes and Michael's sitting in bed with him. Like they're John and Yoko in this private room full of flowers and gifts. The doctor tells Ben that he can go home tomorrow. Hey, put the gown back on, Ben. The doctor tells Ben to go on a drug holiday to give his body a rest for a few months. The doctor leaves, and Michael says this is good news. They kiss.
Ethan plays the violin for a very long time. Justin knocks on the door, but Ethan's still playing. Justin keeps knocking until Ethan curses for interrupting his really good part. He answers the door and is delighted to see Justin. He tells Justin he thought it was his neighbor. The door totally wasn't locked, so Justin could have just walked right in. It's not like Ethan looks through the peephole anyway. Justin says he came for his song. Ethan smiles and says, "Right. Right." Justin asks Ethan to play something "astonishingly romantic," of course. Ethan begins to play. Justin can't even sit still a full thirty seconds before he has to stand up and walk over to Ethan, who is standing on his bed with his shoes on. Soon both boys are standing on the bed with their shoes on (there's something kind of romantic about it, since you could only get away with this on a futon or a hotel bed). Ethan has to stop playing or Justin's gonna get slammed in the jaw with a bow. They stare at each other. They lean towars each other. Boom! TiVo cuts off this episode. Aw, man. Look, Showtime needs to tell the cable company that it's not a forty-five-minute show on Sundays. Now I have to re-TiVo to see the last minute, and I don't want the recap to wait. So, here's what I imagine happens:
Ethan and Justin keep leaning towards each other and fall into each other. They kiss and kiss. The flop on the bed, Ethan's violin snaps under the weight of them in a strangled musical pop that fills the room with a sound not unlike a heart breaking.
Elsewhere Brian is naked on the floor beside Justin's picnic, waiting for him to come home. He's even brought a flower for Justin, which he'll fuck him with later, but for now he'll pretend to be the romantic boyfriend.
Debbie and Vic go out for a nice dinner and have a great time. A very cute man asks Vic to dance.
Ben and Michael fall asleep after watching a bad horror movie, not once talking about Tibet.
Mel and Lindsay hear Gus say his first word: "Neglect."
week I don't know, but I'm hoping Ted makes an apology to everyone everywhere and Emmett gets his money back.