Previously: Emmett was offensive. Ben snapped at Michael. Brian -- who doesn't believe in birthdays -- for some reason was at Ben's birthday party when it was Justin's birthday? Whatever. Debbie hated Ben. Justin met a fiddler with a soulpatch and was smitten. Flavor Savor loved him back. Lindsay thought that Brian was deaf and yelled at him for an entire scene. Ben's sick. Not that they'll even address that this episode.
Outside Babylon. Brian pounces on Justin and tells him that he wants to fuck him. Wants to fuck him real good, all night. They make out as extras talk too loudly around them. I mentioned this in the recaplet, but I had to watch this episode the first time to my sleeping mother. I just love how it started with men talking about fucking each other and then ramming tongues. Just in case my mom was a light sleeper. Luckily, she's not. Justin asks if Brian gets enough. Brian says he doesn't. Justin, for a reason I can't figure out, pouts and asks if they can save it until the weekend. Because Justin hates sex, doesn't he? Brian asks if they can save it until they get to the car. Justin says he was thinking of the two of them going snowboarding. Because he's got all that whore go-go dancing money saved up. If there's one thing Justin hasn't learned yet, it's the value of a dollar. He's basically asking Brian to pay for the two of them to go snowboarding in Vermont at this cabin that Daphne (who? I don't know this Daphne. We haven't seen this Daphne before, have we? I sort of remember Justin having a friend -- some pretty girl -- but that was before he alienated all of his friends by insulting their sexuality) and her boyfriend went to. Nice. Every room has a Jacuzzi and a fireplace. So, you know, it's totally cheap. Brian mocks Justin, saying he hopes there are mints on the pillows. Justin slams his hands into his jacket and pouts, "I forgot. Brian Kinney doesn't do romance." Uh, not when he gets the milk for free, gold-digging slut. Weren't you just drooling over your teenage Mozart a second ago? Figure out which face you want Brian to kiss, okay? Brian says he doesn't need an excuse to fuck. Justin says that Brian also doesn't need an excuse to turn him down. Justin tells Brian to admit he doesn't want to go away with Justin for the weekend. Brian admits that he doesn't, and then swoops in on his white horse and declares he'd rather go away for "the whole fuckin' week." My hero! Justin and Brian keep walking away from each other and then back together. This blue-light alley is huge and quiet, given that it's an alley full of people to a dance club. I can't even see Brian as he stands in the dark and says he can find somebody who is interested in going if Justin doesn't want to. Threats. The backbone of any good relationship. Brian smarms up to a stranger and asks if he wants to go away with Brian for a week to a cabin with Jacuzzis and fireplaces. Nobody bites, since everybody's already fucked Brian before. Justin asks if Brian's serious. They finally emerge from the darkness. Brian tells us that Justin's about to go on Spring Break and Brian's about to make partner. He says that entitles him to a week of snowboarding. Justin jumps into Brian's arms and they kiss.
Ben is wearing his hair differently these days. He's leaning over, reading something. Oh, shit. My bad. That's Melanie. She asks Lindsay a question about Gus and Lindsay answers the question. I guess they're still pretending to have a kid for our benefit. Ladies, just tell us you got rid of Gus. Everything would make more sense. Then I'd see how you girls can always be out together, doing things and spending money. Lindsay pounces the bed and rolls on Melanie's work like my cat does when he wants me to pet him. Mel takes off her glasses and pets Lindsay's head. They talk about how exhausted they look. Mel tells Lindsay to roll over and gets a little forceful at slapping Lindsay over. Lindsay squeals with delight. That Gus must sleep like my mom. Mel sits on Lindsay's back and grabs a bottle of lotion. She's wearing only boys' underwear. She tells Lindsay that she's going to love what Mel's about to do. She Mr. Miagyi's the lotion and starts massaging Lindsay's back. Lindsay moans that it feels good. Mel tells her to let all the tension go. Just as Mel lifts Lindsay's shirt mostly up her back, Leda "I Don't Do Knocking" Meddler walks right into their bedroom and tells them she finished the floors. Good, because the baby's sleeping. They have Leda just working at all hours? Mel tells Leda she's happy the floors are finished. Leda says good night. Lindsay, wishing she was walking off with Leda, says good night back. Once Leda's gone, Lindsay starts worrying over her choice of wood for the floors. Mel tries to get Lindsay back in the mood. Just like a man, she massages Lindsay for about 0.3 seconds and then starts trying to make out. It's not a back massage if you're just touching skin on your way to having sex. That doesn't count and it's called a trick. Melanie makes Lindsay roll over so she can start massaging Lindsay's breasts. Mel says it's a special form of massage called foreplay. They start kissing. Mom moves slightly on the couch and I hit the mute button so that the noisiness of the kisses on this show doesn't stir her from her slumber. Lindsay says she's missed this, and I can't believe she doesn't accidentally call Mel "Leda" here. They're making out and we get a shot of Mel's mouth on Lindsay's breasts as they overlay this really loud "Oh, you're so hot." It's such a HBO porn scene, right here. All monotone and moaning without any real action. Lindsay starts making noises and I feel bad for Leda and Gus at the same time. Lindsay yawns and tells Mel she's hot as well. Mel curls her hands around Lindsay's breasts and rests her head in between them. Boom. They're asleep.
Emmett has decided to balance his checkbook (he only needs a checkbook to do it, miraculously) right there at the diner in front of everybody. He says that balancing your checkbook allows you to take a trip down Purchase Lane. Ted -- who can't mind his own business for three seconds -- takes Emmett's checkbook away from him. He makes a few scribbles in the book and with food in his mouth says, "In the future? Balance before you buy." Nice chastising in front of all your friends, ass. Ted asks Emmett how much it's going to cost him this time. You mean with Ted's lucrative business Emmett doesn't have enough money to make ends meet? Is Ted not dishing out the cash to his star porn dick? The one who made him have his business? And why isn't Ted begging Emmett to come back now that Pickle's gone? Emmett tells Ted he needs fifty. Eighty if he wants his phone back on. Mikey tells him he needs a hundred if he wants to pay half of electric. Their electric bill is forty dollars? And here's a tip: don't eat at a diner every meal of your life. Save a buck or two. Everyone's so mean to Emmett and so superior about how they all have money.
Some guy who looks just like Blake walks into the diner and makes incredibly obvious eyes at Brian, who watches him back. Creepy Ted asks Brian if the trick is as good as he looks. He tells Brian to speak in incredible detail. When will they get Ted the help he so needs? Brian speaks as if he's just about to die of boredom: "First I made him worship my cock for an hour." Michael looks up like, "Hey! Why don't I get to do that?" Brian continues: "Then I let him rim me for a good forty-five minutes. After that, I fucked him so hard he passed out. I'm surprised he's up and walking around." Ted masturbates at the table and jizzes all over his pancakes. Wait, you did this last night? Last night after you started making out with your boyfriend?
Ted tells everyone to stop talking about sex: "Lesbian approaching." Mel walks up with a to-go cup of coffee. Michael tells the others that Mel and Lindsay soak the sheets. Well, at least he remembers. Mel says she doesn't want to discuss her sex life with "a bunch of foul-mouthed fags." Then why does Michael know you soak the sheets? The boys all stare at each other for a second. Emmett's neck goes like The Chicken Lady as he declares that someone's on the rag. Brian says she's probably just not getting any. I hate how much this show hates women. Mel tells the guys that they'll see how much ass they get once they've got a family to support. She says they never will know, since they're only responsible for their dicks. Brian says that's why he's smiling and she's not. Mel, how long does it take to put sugar in your coffee? Ted says this sounds like a case of LBD. The boys all make scary noises. Ted puts a strawberry in his mouth and I get nauseous. Michael, our naïve boy, asks what that means. It's Lesbian Bed Death, doncha know? Emmett: "First it dries up. Then it shrivels up. Then it closes up. And then it disappears." Oh, so the same thing that happens with your balls? Michael asks why he's never heard of such a thing. Because you're a character written without continuity or development. Mel decides to say, "Because it only exists in the minds of cunty gay men." Same difference. Emmett makes a kitty noise. Ted tells Mel that there's research and new developments every day. Brian tells her that there's going to be a telethon. Emmett says they'll wear fuchsia ribbons on their lapels. Hey, guys, how's Ben? What? Oh, you don't know him this episode? Okay. Carry on then.
I can't believe Brian works for "Ryder Advertising" and not "Rydhim." Brian's assistant is rushing Brian toward some meeting with the big boss. They're pretty sure this means that Brian's about to be offered partner. The assistant is very happy about this, because it means she gets to be bitchy to everyone else. Ah, this show does love a woman, doesn't it? Treats her with such respect and dignity.
Brian's boss doesn't actually offer Brian partner, but informs Brian that he sold the agency. He gloats that he's loaded now, and is buying a place in Bermuda for retirement. Brian says "congratulations" in the same breath that he asks what's going to happen to himself. I don't understand why his boss would be bragging so hard about his early retirement when he already knew this was going to screw Brian over. Brian says he was promised partner by the end of the year. The boss says he had no choice. But he just said that the guy had been offering this over and over and he finally gave him an offer he couldn't refuse. Sounds like he's been deciding on this, choosing this for some time. Brian says he made this company. The boss says that the new boss will know all of this. "I give you my word," he says. Brian smirks, pouts, and stomps off.
Slowly, because they think we're retarded, Emmett stands at an ATM and tells us that, with the money Ted loaned him, his new balance should be $147.16. Michael watches Emmett grab his receipt. "So, were your calculations accurate?" Michael asks. I can't even tell you how many times I've had this ATM scene happen in my life. You know how it is. You go for coffee, a little window shopping and then a quick game of "Guess my available balance." The balance is actually $10,000,146.16. Emmett sure handles this like it's no big deal. And Hal Sparks is such a horrible actor, that his "huh?" here is so bad I want to turn the show off. It's so fake and stupid and not funny and wrong and it's the wrong note and the wrong inflection and at the wrong time and without any sort of believability behind it. How can one man screw up one syllable so badly? Mikey tells Emmett that the receipt is some kind of mistake. Emmett says his account does get interest. He goes back to the ATM again. "What are you doing?" Michael has to ask because they think we're retarded. Emmett pulls three hundred dollars out of his account. He laughs. And that seems to be enough for them. Okay. Whatever. A few months ago I went to the ATM and the receipt popped out saying I had $17,935.29 in my account. I fucking flipped. My heart dropped into my stomach and I tried to figure out how it was even possible. My father had recently passed away and I thought somehow he had this magic trust fund that dumped into my checking account days after he died. I was thanking my father in my head feverishly as another receipt popped out: my receipt. The one in my hand was from the last guy to use the ATM and it was stuck in the machine. That last guy who used the ATM has almost twenty thousand dollars in his account and just needed a quick one hundred to go buy smoothies and facials. So I don't know why Emmett isn't already thinking of Pickle, or at least calling the bank to find out what's going on. Forget it. From now on I'm recapping this episode like I'm watching porn, because that's as much story believability they're giving this thing.
Lindsay hasn't heard of Lesbian Bed Death, either. She talks about how bullshit it is with Mel. Mel says there "must be something to it," since they know about three other couples who stopped having sex. They totally tried to have sex the other night. That's not stopping having sex. When you're in a no-sex relationship, you know it. You avoid going to bed at the same time, you always talk about how tired you are, you hardly touch each other or spend time together. You act like roommates. These girls aren't having sex problems at all. Oh, right. The porn. Leda starts taking her clothes off in the living room. I'm not even making this up. She takes off her shirt so she's only in her wife-beater (nipples giving their opinions as well), saying that every couple goes through hot and cold spells. She asks how long Lindsay and Melanie have been together. "Seven years," Lindsay says. So, did Mel date Leda when they were twenty-five? Leda says she's not an authority on long-term relationships, and that she tries to avoid them as much as she can, but that she knows a lot about sex. "Your battery isn't dead, it just needs recharging," she says to Lindsay as she crouches down and holds a beer bottle between her legs, right near her pussy. She crouches under the girls and tells them to shake things up and do something different. Here's the first thing you need to do, Mel: never wear a turtleneck again. Jesus, you look like an uncircumcised penis. Leda tells them to be spontaneous. Mel is intrigued. Leda's all breathy, proud of her brilliant advice, as she says, "Couple of fuckable babes like you? You shouldn't have any problem." Leda gives her beer bottle head and then walks upstairs. Uh, don't you sleep down here, Leda? Where are you going? We watch her walk off for a while, though, since she's fucking hot. Mel and Lindz sit there for a while. Lindsay's blushing, and Mel's neck is getting an erection.
Justin's showing Michael and Ted a pamphlet on a gay B&B. I don't think Daphne and her boyfriend went to a gay B&B. "Sounds suspiciously lesbian," Ted grimaces. Justin says it's the best snowboarding in Vermont. Brian walks up so that Justin can brag, "This is the first time we've ever gone away together." Ted asks Brian if it's such a good idea for him to do this, what with the company changing owners and his job on the line. Why does Ted know all of the particulars of Brian's career? I can't imagine Brian telling Ted any of it. Brian laughs and says they need him more than he needs them. Understatement of the year, courtesy of Ted: "Guess you've got bigger balls than I do." Emmett flits into his seat and declares that drinks are on him. Ted instantly scolds Emmett for wasting away the hundred bucks Ted gave him. Geez, never borrow from Ted, y'all. Emmett returns the money to Ted. Now, maybe I can buy Emmett not calling his bank right away. But if Emmett suddenly found himself a multi-millionaire, I'm pretty sure the first thing he'd do is call Ted to find out if it was all real. And Michael hasn't told Ted, Justin, and Brian this information yet? It wasn't the most exciting part of today? Right! Porn! Dammit! Michael tells Justin and Ted that someone accidentally deposited ten million dollars in his account. Hal makes a hand gesture like Emmett jacked off whomever gave him the money. Oh, that's totally true. "Fuck," Justin says poignantly. Emmett looks away to avoid Ted's evil glare. "I hope you didn't touch any of it!" Ted hisses. Emmett mopes that he only touched "a measly three hundred." Ted is outraged and tells Emmett that he's committed bank fraud: "That's a federal offense." Emmett is startled and says, "Oh! Oh, my God!" in this way that's supposed to come right before, "I forgot I totally don't care what you say!" Michael gets in on the preachy act and reminds Emmett that Mike had warned Emmett not to spend anything. No, you didn't! You said, "Huh?" Emmett asks what he's going to do, still in that way that I think he's about to say, "I'd better spend it faster, then!" But he doesn't. I guess that was supposed to be him genuinely concerned. It's the porn episode, so I'm just letting it slide. But man, the acting on this show's totally in the shitter now. You get better emotion from dogs and three-year-olds. Give that Gus an Emmy! Ted yells at Emmett, saying that tomorrow he has to go to the bank and return every cent. Emmett asks Ted if he can borrow back the hundred dollars for this fabulous Gucci belt. Ted makes a face so horrible and evil that I have to look away.
Brian's at work. Now he works for Vanguard Advertising. In just one day, you can totally transform an office, putting the front desk on the other side of the room, having the elevator on the other side of the room as well. Money changes everything.
Brian goes in for his meeting. Three minutes of clichéd dialogue follow. It's so dark in the room that it's blue. The big boss tells Brian that he fired Brian's boss. "I've always hated those long lines at the water cooler," Brian says assholically. Big Boss asks why he shouldn't fire Brian, since Brian's arrogant, willful, and insubordinate. Brian says he'll try his best to live up to his reputation. He says that he's the reason the company has the clients it has, and that if he left, the clients would go as well. New Big Boss tells Brian that he's already called the clients, and they don't care where Brian works. Brian -- always ready for a fight -- stands up and says he should be fired, then. Just before he's out the door, New Big Boss says that Brian has a week to prove he's worth it. He tells Brian he's heard a rumor that he's gay. "The rumor's right," Brian says. "But unless I'm fucking you, it's none of your business." Brian sure knows how to introduce himself to the new higher-ups, doesn't he?
Emmett and Ted are groveling to a bank teller, saying there's been a misunderstanding. Emmett hands over the cash he withdrew, and he and Ted stammer that it was all a mistake. The teller reads from her important monitor and says with fear and revulsion, "Wait! Right there." Emmett's sure he's about to go to prison, and Ted's not making him feel any better. He tells Emmett to play dumb. Emmett realizes he could easily do that. It's not like Emmett spent a thousand dollars or anything. Ted recommends that Emmett try to get a cell with "Southern exposure" just in case the bank doesn't believe him. A solemn bank manager person ushers Emmett into the back room. But not in the good way.
Emmett immediately breaks down and whimpers that he stole the money. He sobs into his hand that he's very sorry. Ted slowly and patiently says, "It was a mistake." The bank manager says this was no mistake, and that there was a very real deposit of ten million dollars into Emmett's bank account. Let's all remember the Porn Theory at work here so that we don't try to figure out just how impossible all of this is. I love how the bank manager is still sitting there with Emmett's three hundred on the desk in front of him. Emmett hears that the money is really his. He sits for a second and then says he needs to "consult" with his accountant. He says clearly in Ted's ear: "What exactly did he mean by that?" Ted holds up his hand, counts to five million and says, "What exactly did you mean by that?" Here's where they should all have sex. Now! Go! Do it! The bank manager says with a voice full of awe that the money was left to him by Pickle. The manager pulls the Tape of Exposition out of his file cabinet (what? Why didn't Emmett get a copy of this thing before? Why is it in the bank manager's junk cabinet?) and hands it over to Emmett, saying that Pickle wanted him to have the tape. Thanks for delivering it a month late, ass. Emmett slowly, very slowly, ever so slowly takes the tape.
Brian and his assistant are "digging up" facts on the New Big Boss. Blah blah blah, they find out that the guy has always wished he landed the campaign for Nike. I mean, Brown Athletics. If you have the tape of this show, watch this scene again. It's written so incredibly badly and acted without any slight trace of passion that it's like you're watching an audition. It's the line "Divorced twice. Boxing fanatic. Straight guy" where you're like, "What? What am I watching?" Then it's the pause when he's giving the line reading of the quote. You know, sometimes when I'm doing these recaps I'm reminded of the Mr. Show sketch where David Cross is reading comic strips to the blind, and he's laughing, saying, "Oh, I wish you could see this!" I know some of you don't watch the show and only read the recaps. I absolutely cannot describe how bad the acting in this episode is. I miss this show, when it was good. I miss the good. Brian pops his head up like Yertle the Turtle, and we know he's got a scathingly brilliant idea. He stands up and says he's off to see a few of his hottest tricks. "You're going to the baths now," bad actress says. "You'll fuck us both out of a job." Does she honestly think he just stands up and leaves to go have sex? Porn theory. Porn theory. Porn theory. It's so hard to remember that all the time. Huh-huh. I said "hard."
Lindsay is very unhappy that Melanie has taken her to a nasty, pay-by-the-hour motel. I don't know why she didn't get insulted until she actually saw the gross Wild at Heart room, but maybe she was blindfolded until then. Mel makes Lindsay stay and says they have to fuck. Lindsay doesn't want to fuck on the cum-stained sheets, but Mel tosses her body all over the comforter. Little tip from a hotel girl to y'all: take off the comforter. It never gets cleaned. The sheets and blankets are fine. The towels are usually clean. Don't touch the nasty comforter. Good thing these two don't have a kid, or it'd be difficult just to take off in the middle of the day for quick, cheap sex at a motel. I think Mel just shattered her kneecap jumping on that "bed" that's actually a piece of wood with a comforter dropped over it. The entire budget on this show goes to buy blue light bulbs. Lindsay gets grossed out over the "room service" menu, which offers sex toys and lubes in various flavors. Mel rolls on top of Lindsay and kisses her. They moan. They kiss. Moaning. Groping. Pulling. "That's a good girl," one of them whispers as the other moans. Mel yanks Lindsay up as she opens Lindsay's shirt. Kissing. Moaning. Yanking. Mel takes off her shirt. Lindsay touches Mel's breasts politely with a face that reads, "Not too close!" Kissing, touching, pushing of titties. The girls stop making out when they hear someone else having sex in another room. It's a woman's moaning, so I don't understand why this stops all sex. Do they not know that everybody else in that motel is having sex? Do they realize they're the only women in that place who aren't prostitutes? Mel starts to call the manager. What? To complain that people are having sex at the sex motel? Lindsay suggests they put the television on instead to drown them out. Every channel at the hotel is showing porn. These lesbians don't like watching other women have sex. Neither Mel nor Lindz wears a bra. They get grossed out by girls with big breasts touching each other. Mel cups her own breasts into her hands. They keep changing the channel until they find a cooking show. Lindsay's very happy and is overly pleased when she sees the item the chef is cooking: she's always wanted to know how to do it. The sexpots snuggle down and watch the cooking show for fifty bucks an hour.
Emmett, Ted, and Michael (Emmett's best friends who understand private moments, clearly) are watching Pickle's video. "Hey, Emmett," he begins. Now, keep that Porn Theory right in front of you, because in this videotape, Emmett and Pickle have a conversation. Emmett asks a question and Pickle answers. Pickle also waits between sentences long enough for Emmett to have little conversations with him. Even Michael talks to the screen. It's so stupid that I'm not recapping it. I'm not. I have standards. I have standards! And, did Pickle know he was about to die? And, and: can't Pickle afford a better videographer? He looks like he's talking from the grave. All white and Vincent Price-y. Pickle says that Emmett needs some "fuck 'em all" money. Somehow, these two tell each other that they made each other very happy. Well, now that Emmett has the Magical Videotape that allows the dead to communicate with the living, I guess that Crossing Over guy should start looking for another job. Pickle blows Emmett a kiss and then somehow gets the television to turn itself off. Pickle's undead powers are fucking scary, y'all.
Brian's paying a photographer to take quick pictures of greasy, mostly-naked men. One guy's got a cardigan tied around his waist and nothing other than boxing gloves on his body. One guy is dressed like a catcher, naked from the waist down as he crouches and puts his hand behind his glove. Brian's assistant walks up and pants so we know she's "rushed." She hands him his "airline ticket." I love how they spell everything out for us so slowly because we're supposed to be retarded or having sex while we watch this show. She tells Brian that Brown's office doesn't accept unsolicited pitches. Oh, come now. He's Brian fucking Kinney! She asks Brian if he wants to cancel. Shouldn't she have asked this on his cell phone before she bought the ticket? Anyway, Brian doesn't answer.
scene. Emmett's bought Mel and Lindsay a new car. I guess they're back from the motel now. Still without a kid. And how many days have passed? Did Emmett pick up the car on the way home? No, Michael's still wearing the same outfit. But Emmett's not. The girls have changed clothes, as well. Surprisingly, the girls are very happy to have a Subaru SUV. I can't imagine the girls wanting an SUV, but that doesn't matter. Emmett says this is the #1 car among lesbians. "I'm sure Mr. Subaru would be thrilled!" Debbie shouts. Who let her out of the C-plot trunk? Emmett gives Justin two tickets to Italy. Emmett tells Justin to discover his soul. Creepy Ted points out that Justin can also see "lots of statues of naked men." Since Brian doesn't show up for the party, Emmett hands Justin the present for Brian: the Armani fall collection. What day is it? Emmett hands Debbie a diamond tennis bracelet. He tells her she's a princess. Hey, what'd you get for Vic and Ben? Nothing? Oh. That's cool. I mean, what with the way Vic needs money and Ben's not feeling so well. I'm sure Debbie really wants a pretty bracelet to wear when she's refilling coffee for $2.15 an hour. Emmett has paid the mortgage on Michael's comic-book shop for the five years. I think that Mel and Lindsay got the best present, you guys. Michael hugs Emmett and tells him that he changed his life. Mel and Lindsay are kissing in the corner. Yeah, full of problems, their life is. Ted complains that he didn't get a present. I hope Emmett got him a lifetime membership in Porn Anonymous with a copy of How To Not Be Such a Creepy, Shitty Friend. Emmett says he really wanted to get Ted someone special to spend the rest of his life with. Ted says there's always a golden retriever. Lindsay puts food in her mouth to keep herself from telling Ted how true his last statement really is. Emmett says that he got Ted two lifetime orchestra seats at the opera. Two, because he knows that Ted will find somebody special someday. Ted starts to cry. They hold each other. Mel walks over and hugs Ted. She asks Emmett what he got himself. It's not like he spent $10 million, you guys. Emmett says that he didn't get anything, since it's better to give than receive. "Except in bed," Emmett says, and everyone laughs, even though they used that joke in just the last episode. Emmett says he did pick up a little something for himself. Everyone makes a noise and Debbie says, "Here we go!" Emmett jumps back into the room wearing a black velvet coat. Could that be a $50,000 coat? Because otherwise Emmett got screwed. He says that everyone will hear him say "Fuck 'em all" when he's wearing that. Emmett dances in a circle to the music only we can hear, and that's that.
Lindsay walks downstairs in her darkened living room and bumps into Leda, who is only wearing underwear now. Lindsay says she was on her way to the kitchen to make a sandwich. Leda tells Lindsay to share her sandwich. Well, what if she wanted a whole sandwich, Leda? Lindsay says she figured Leda would be out painting the town red, "or whatever color they paint towns these days." Who the fuck is writing this crap? Really. Really. "Or whatever color they paint towns these days"? It's just filler. All the words are now just filler. They might as well just put these things in gibberish and then fuck every once in a while. I'd rather they were confusing words instead of insulting. Leda says all the hot gals are getting it on with their wives. Lindsay says that she and Mel tried going to a motel, but they were too embarrassed by the sounds of other people having sex. What happened to soaking the sheets, ladies? Leda says that if she were there, she would have pinned them both to the bed and done a "dozen dozen": twelve orgasms from twelve different positions. Lindsay chokes on Leda's sandwich. Leda rubs Lindsay's shoulder and asks if she's okay. "Just went down the wrong way," says Lindsay. You mean "go down the right way," don't you? Leda then pulls the ol' "you're so tense" bullshit and makes Lindsay lie down for a massage. She says, "Christ, you're tight!" which is normally a compliment for lesbians, isn't it? Lindsay is very happy to have Leda straddling her, groping her, and whispering about tantric sex in her ear. "Have you ever had a deep rectal massage?" she asks. Oh, Jesus, don't let my mother wake up on that line. "Not recently," Lindsay says. "You have no idea how much tension people carry in their sphincters," Leda says. She says "sphincters" like the gopher on Winnie the Pooh. And just get with the fucking three-way already. Jesus. Mel slowly walks down the stairs in the dark and watches Leda lying on top of Lindsay as they giggle and touch each other. Catfight! Do it! Damn.
Justin tells Brian that Emmett got everyone "the coolest stuff." Screw the timeline on this episode. Anyway, Justin is just now finding out that Brian's not going on the Vermont trip because he's got to go to Chicago for Brown Athletics. Justin is furious that Brian's not spending his money to take them away for a week. Furious. Brian says that the Armani collection isn't going to do shit if he's unemployed. "Fuck business!" Justin says. "That's exactly who you're fucking," Brian says. What? What does that mean? Brian says this is his business and he has to keep his job. He has to keep his job, Justin. Maybe if you stopped spending his money all day long and asked a fucking question or two you might know why he's got to go to Chicago at the last minute to try and keep food on his table that you eat off every night. Or you'll go back to sucking dick for cash. Justin is pissed off. Good. Don't forget to lock Brian's door on your way out, gold-digger.
Leda is somehow still finishing the floors, even though she told us she already had. What day is it now? It's bright out. Mel has walked up to bitch Leda out about moving in on Lindsay. She tells Leda that she doesn't want her there anymore. Leda says she's not to blame for the LBD. Mel tells her to get out. Leda makes an exhale noise.
Justin and Michael are having breakfast somewhere. I think they're at Michael's place. Mikey asks Justin if he wants some cereal. Justin says he's not hungry. "What are you trying to do, starve yourself to death?" Michael asks. What? Where the fuck did that come from? What's with all the extremes? Michael makes Justin eat some cereal. Michael tells Justin that his secret fantasy is to get Rage on a box of Froot Loops. Yeah, like we're supposed to believe that you guys are still working on that comic book. How's Brian supposed to sell that thing when he doesn't have a job? And Hal Sparks uses a spoon like he's three. A big fist at the end of his spoon. Someone teach him Utensils 101. Michael also somehow knows all about Brian's job woes and tells Justin that Brian would have gone to Vermont if he could have: "Look, if he doesn't make it now, he never will." Justin says that Brian's already made it. Make what? What are they talking about? Justin enviously says that Brian's already got money, success, and a "killer loft," so he doesn't need anything else. Uh, how about a job? Michael says that Brian wants to be the best, and that if he gets this account, he'll be a star. If he doesn't get it, he'll be out of a job. He says that Brian won't want to start all over at a new firm, having to compete with younger guys. "So what about me?" Justin asks. I don't know, what's it like at your job? Oh, you don't have one? Then shut up. Go to school! Justin asks where he fits in. Michael doesn't have an answer, because he can't very well say, "Eventually you go away and date someone your own age and then I finally get to have my best friend whom I've been pining over for my entire life. Because I don't have a boyfriend to worry about. Oops." Justin says he doesn't want to wait. He wants a boyfriend who only wants to be with him. Who wants to stay home, and gets jealous when another man is sucking his dick. "That's not Brian!" Michael says. "And never will be." Michael happily goes back to his cereal, confident that he'll be with Brian in less than a year.
Brown Athletics doesn't want to talk to Brian. The assistant won't give Brian any information. So Brian shows the assistant some gay softcore porn and then fucks the assistant in the copy room. He gets the information. Moving on.
Brown Athletics doesn't want to talk to Brian. Brian hands the Head Honcho his pictures of gay softcore porn. Brown Athletics wants to talk to Brian. Brian orders a steak. Medium rare. The cork pops on the champagne.
Debbie shows how she pours water wearing the bracelet that's worth more than a year's income. She says she pours it with class. Debbie wouldn't know class if she was sitting in Algebra. Ted asks for ice. Debbie jams her wrist into his face and asks, "Whaddaya call this?" "For my water!" Ted screams back. Emmett sits down with a bag of newly purchased items. Debbie calls him "Mister Moneybags." Emmett asks for a donut. Ted calls Emmett a "faggot of leisure." Emmett complains that shopping isn't as much fun now that he can buy anything and doesn't have to hunt for sales. Oh, wah. Debbie brings Emmett "one queer donut" on the house. Emmett tells Ted and Michael that he bought presents for everyone except for the one person that made it all possible: George. Michael, full of tact, says, "Em, George is dead." Debbie silent stands for a moment, her hand to her chest -- thinking, I hope, how stupid that line just was. Emmett says he knows that, but that he can still honor Pickle's memory. Michael and Ted start listing off the places in Pittsburgh already named after Heinz...I mean, "Pickle," and how he's pretty much memorialized all over the city. Emmett notes that Pickle doesn't have a gay place. Except the opera. So Emmett's going to start a home for wayward gay kids. Michael and Ted grimace, knowing that the queer kids are getting some of their present money. Debbie kisses Emmett full on the mouth, and I'm pretty sure that's ground enough for me to be able to cancel recapping this show from now on. Emmett gets served with papers. For some reason, Emmett's not smart enough to read the cover letter, so Ted reads it with plenty of "yada yada"s and determines that Pickle's family has frozen Emmett's account and is contesting the will. Lesbians! Stop driving that SUV! Ted tells Emmett he shouldn't have passed up those sales so quickly.
Mel and Lindsay are fighting about Leda. Lindsay confesses that she is attracted to Leda. She flips it right back at Mel, saying that Mel's just as attracted to Leda, and still wants her after all these years. Mel says, "All right. So she's hot. So what?" Enter Leda, who confesses that she's heard every word they've been yelling. She's all packed up and ready to leave, now that she's made a mess out of everything. She calls the bedroom their "boudoir." That's why she should be kicked out. At the very last possible second before Leda has walked away, Mel gets the timing just a bit off as she asks Leda back into the room. The girls tell Leda they don't want her to leave like this. Boom-chicka-bow-wow! They want her to leave... like thisssssssssssssssssssssss. Boom-chicka-boom-bow-wah-wahwa-nah! Aw, yeah, baby. Girls start kissing, grabbing, groping. But you know, in a very slow, drawn out way so that it takes fucking forever for them to actually start something that looks like action. Leda pushes Mel and Lindsay's mouths together like they're Skipper and Barbie. The music actually starts going boom-chicka-boom-ba-nah-nuh-na! The girls are kissing and making out and even when their lips are pressed together, we can hear sighing. That's quite a trick. Hee. Leda's kissing Mel and has her thumb jammed into Lindsay's mouth so hard Lindsay looks like a Cabbage Patch Kid. Everybody grabs a handful of buttons and gets to undressing. Good thing these girls don't have a kid, or they might want to close the bedroom door.
Brian tells New Big Boss that he landed the Brown Athletics Account. He hands New Big Boss the phone and tells him to say hello to his newest client. New Big Boss is pleased. They've got too much blush on him. He asks Brian how he landed the account. "Did my homework," Brian says. He tells New Big Boss that he wants partner. That's the contingency he made Brown sign the account with.
"Hey, Sunshine!" Brian shouts into his loft as he carries a bottle of champagne. He tells Justin to come congratulate him for making partner. "Your partner just made partner." The loft, however, is empty.
Babylon. Happy, dressy Emmett asks to borrow money from Ted. "Oh, how the mighty have fallen," Ted says as he loans Em some cash. Dick. The boys stand in a blue light, which summons Brian like Batman. The boys tell Brian it's nice to see him. Brian kisses Michael, who asks when he got back. Brian's wiggling with happiness. He asks where Justin is. He says he's got big news. The boys tell him that Justin went to Vermont to go snowboarding. After Brian laughs, he realizes they aren't kidding. "Alone?" he asks. They confirm that Justin is alone, but I'd check that flight reservation if I were you, Bri. For the first time in a while, Brian lights his cigarette. Ted asks Brian's big news. Brian says it's nothing, and walks off.
And once again we watch lonely, dejected Brian walk away for a very long time down the very wide, crowded alley behind Babylon as Queen's "Good Old-Fashioned Lover Boy" starts up.
week: Emmett gets poorer. Ben gets sicker. Ethan and Justin get closer. Mel threatens to expose the Pickle. Justin tries some alone time with Brian, but gets it with Ethan instead. Ben collapses.