Previously: Brian became a superhero. Mel and Lindsay took in Leda. Emmett tried to crash his ex-boyfriend's funeral. Ben talked for forever.
Justin doesn't even appear to need a computer anymore. He's showing Michael the latest sketches of the gay-bashing episode of their comic book. Michael whines that it's "kinda gory." Justin snaps that it's "supposed to be." Ben searches between them for his Palm Pilot. Now Justin and Michael are screwing up Ben's place as well? I can't even tell you what's going on because the camera's in such an extreme close-up while they're talking that I just end up counting pores. I am suddenly the carrot stick going into Michael's mouth. I'm the tiny blond sideburn resting on Justin's earlobe. I'm the particle of dust settling on Ben's eyeglasses, just at the crook of his nose. Why do I have to be this close to the action? We see a few graphic drawings of Brian and Justin having sex. The one that's supposed to be Justin apparently has no pubic hair or dick. Oh, they're at Michael's place. Ben asks again for his Palm Pilot, and Michael tells him to try his bedroom. Michael says it might have dropped out of his pocket as he dropped his pants. Except we have to watch the scene from inside Michael's mouth. Ben's right nostril compliments Michael's good thinking. We are inside their kiss, covered in saliva, and Ben walks away. Michael slides his hand under Justin's notepad and comes up with Ben's Palm Pilot. He's stolen it so he can take down all of Ben's phone numbers for a surprise birthday party. Justin completely freaks out when he learns that he and Ben share a birthday. Like he found out they're brothers or something. "Isn't that the most amazing coincidence?" Justin says it's pretty amazing that both Brian and Michael are in love with guys who have the same birthday. They're also in love with each other, so I don't see what the big deal is. Hardly a coincidence. Both guys with the same birthday have slept with Brian. Is that a big coincidence? Not really, since probably about fifty other guys with the same birthday have done the same thing. Ben walks back in and moans, "No luck in the bedroom." "That's a first!" Michael says as I want to jam that carrot stick into his mouth until he chokes. The camera keeps making quick zooms in, like it's still trying to focus and figure out how to frame the shot. It's not like anything's happening in this scene that calls for this kind of drama. It's like watching a student film. I even look to see if the boom mic is in the way. Michael invites Justin for dinner, since Ben's cooking and that won't cost any money for Michael or Justin. Ben says that afterwards, they're going to watch Sunset Boulevard. He says it like he might just think it's porn. Justin can't stay because he's got a date with Brian at Babylon. Ben and Michael make out in front of Justin, rubbing it in that they have a domesticated relationship while Justin and Brian are hustler roommates.
Babylon. I have this song that they're playing, but sometimes all of my techno gets mixed into one big mess that I just call "Chemical Brothers." But I'm pretty sure this is someone else. Someone's hosing down dancers. Brian, Justin, and Ted are doing tequila shots. Justin's still going on about how fucking amazing it is that he and Ben are both born under the sign of Codependent. Brian and I share the same sentiment when it comes to Justin's amazement. Ted asks what they're doing for Justin's birthday. He asks if they're going to Key West or getting some kind of car. Brian says they aren't doing anything. He thinks birthdays are, like, way lame. Totally uncool. Like, so ninth-grade. "Anybody can get born," he says to Ted. "Even you." Brian says you should celebrate accomplishments, and birthdays just happen without your having to work for them. Ted makes the good point that Brian threw Michael a thirtieth birthday party. And I might add he's never mentioned this anti-birthday ethic before. Justin interrupts before Brian can explain, "Yeah, but the writers don't give a shit about continuity or character development." Justin says he agrees with Brian, because he has to. When he says "twat," he has to repeat the word. Emmett dances up to the bar and tells his dance partner, "Thanks for the ride, but here's where I get off." Poor dancing extra didn't even get to take off his sunglasses. Emmett pouts and leans against the bar. Ted asks why Emmett's throwing back his nice catch. "Still in mourning?" Brian asks, with the most amount of consideration I've seen from any of Emmett's friends concerning Pickle's demise. Emmett says he's tried boys, booze, and pills, but he's still in the Valley of the Dolls. Ted suggests spiritual healing. Brian suggests his mother's minister, who gives great head. Justin only smiles and licks salt off his hand. Most of them just keep licking salt and lemons instead of doing the tequila shots. Ted takes a shot and announces that he's taking Emmett to church with him tomorrow. "Church?" we all say together. Since when does Ted belong to a church? And why haven't we heard about it? Before Brian can say, "The writers don't give a shit about continuity or character development," we cut to...
..."Celebratory Church." It's one of them fancy-talkin' preachers with the Liberace jacket and the love of the Lord. There's a spotlight and nothing that looks like an actual church in the room. Neon lights, y'all. Nobody is dressed nicely, either. Ted's all shaking his head, moved when the preacher says the Bible could only have been written, directed, and conceived by God. Ted looks at Emmett to see if he's buying it. I'm not. I'm not buying that Ted's got a secret religious life that none of us know about. Did Ted mention this when Emmett got all religious and took back being gay? "Isn't Reverend Brad incredible?" Ted asks. "Yeah, he should win a...Tony," Emmett spurts. Everyone has to stand to sing from their hymnals. The lesbian seated behind Emmett is taking all of this way too seriously. So, instead of religious songs, this church sings show tunes. Ted lends his hymnal to Emmett. He can't find another one, but the cute boy who just happens to be ready to flirt to him offers and stands real close so they can flirt under the eyes of the Lord. The song works on Emmett, and he's smiling by the end of the song. So are the two new lovebirds. The preacher has lost his ability to lip-synch.
Oh, man. Here's some crap fodder. Ted's new love interest can't just be sort of religious or sort of a good guy. He's got to be perfect and like a kitten. He's like a tiny kitten. If any guy fed me these lines I'd call him a liar to his face: "I was with the Peace Corps for a few years, but then I decided what I really wanted was to work with kids." "That's sweet!" Ted says, unable not to sound like a pedophile. New Fling says he loves being a teacher, and that it allows him time in the evenings to volunteer at the gay youth support line, to train for the AIDS Ride on the weekend, and to help out at the church. Oh, I forgot to mention: Ted and Gay Jesus are walking around the empty theater, picking up hymnals. I guess this guy's the only one who works there, because they're all alone. Ted says he's impressed. Gay Jesus chastises himself for talking too much about himself. He asks what Ted does for a living. I'm putting the TiVo into slow motion so I can tell you every silly second of the blurb of images: two guys showering, one washing the other's back; shot of ass sex; shot of an ass, one hand near the left cheek; a hand pulling an ass in tighty-whities closer, the hard-on visible through the fabric; tongues touching; a rocket taking off; blue-gloved hands pulling sausage out of a machine, stroking it as it grows; a black-and-white hot dog getting pulled away from another mustard-soaked hot dog in a bun; a subway tunnel; a cartoon dog driving a red hot rod that's out of control; and a zeppelin. This is during jungle drums and animal noises. This show has become Adam Sandler's "That's Too Stupid For America" trash-can findings. Gay Jesus has to remind Ted that he was just having a conversation and suddenly stopped to have a cliché montage. Ted decides to say he works in computers. Only the first syllable of that word is correct. Gay Jesus persists, asking if Ted works in sales or programming. Ted says he runs his own dot-com company. Gay Jesus is impressed with Ted's entrepreneurial skills. Ted says he runs a company that deals with people's needs. "Relief work," he says, like a question. We are a sweat gland on Gay Jesus's cheek as he breathes, "Somehow, I knew you'd do something that involved helping others." We are the spit in the corner of Ted's mouth as he breathes a guilty laugh.
Liberty Diner. Brian feigns happiness for Ben's surprise party. Emmett asks Michael what they're going to do after the initial yelling of the word "surprise." Michael was thinking of cake, presents, and the song we sing poorly once a year. Emmett rolls his eyes. Brian asks about nudity and drugs. Michael drones that this isn't one of Brian's parties. No, but Ben does like a Brian party, don't forget. Michael reminds them that he's broke even if his boyfriend isn't, and he can't afford an elaborate party. Emmett says it doesn't take a million bucks to have a fab bash. He says they need a theme. He asks what Ben's into. "Yoga. Buddhism," Michael replies. Snoozeville. Brian says, "Oh, we can meditate! That sounds like fun." Emmett thinks; just as the cook rings the order-up bell, Emmett decides, "Why don't we do a Geisha/Sushi/Miss Saigon kind of thing? We can transform Ben's apartment into a Far Eastern phantasmagoria." Brian shakes his head and suggests a bottle of sake and a copy of the Kama Sutra. We all agree that it'd be a much better party that way. Emmett says he'll just plan the party instead. God forbid Michael do a day of real work in his life. Debbie butts in to find out what's going on that her son hasn't told her about so that she can start pouting, judging, and cursing. Brian tells her that it's Ben's birthday, and Michael's throwing a surprise party. I'm shocked she doesn't warn Michael against playing Pin the Tail on the Donkey because he might accidentally share a needle with Ben. Debbie just judges quietly and leaves. Michael bitches Brian out for telling her. Emmett suggests that Michael invite Debbie. Michael says he knows she wouldn't come anyway.
I do not understand why we have to be the pasta that's getting rammed into Justin's mouth as Mel and Lindz whine about Brian's lack of birthday planning. Justin tells them through a full mouth that Brian doesn't believe in birthdays -- not even his own. There's spaghetti hanging out of his mouth throughout this entire scene. Mel and Lindz talk to each other about how they hate Brian and love birthdays. The camera pulls back as Mel tickles Lindsay's boobies behind Justin's head. Mel and Lindz coo all over each other, rubbing it in again to Justin that the doesn't have a real relationship with love or support. The girls say they'll celebrate Justin's birthday, since Brian isn't. Might Jennifer want to do something? Or Debbie? Justin does have two mommies, after all. Mel suggests dinner and a movie, but Lindsay says anybody can do that on any day. Mel says they can throw a party. "I hate parties," Justin says. News to all of us, go-go dancer. Lindsay says they can't have one anyway, since Michael's throwing one for Ben. Did you know there's a one-party-per-city rule? I had no idea. And like Mel and Lindsay would be going to Ben's party. Have the three of them even met? Lindsay gives a mouthful of exposition: she has a friend who knows a boy who goes to Justin's school. She's been invited to his violin recital on Saturday afternoon. The student is a genius. Justin never stops chewing as he complains that he hates classical music. The girls say they won't force him to do anything, but that the boy is also supposed to be very cute. Justin slurps the last of his bite of spaghetti and says with a full mouth, "Why didn't you say so?"
Brian stops at a street flower vendor. Oh, that's Ben. Sorry, I couldn't tell until he turned around. Ben hands Michael a fistful of surprise flowers. Michael says that it's Ben's birthday; he should be getting the surprises and presents. Too bad you're too broke to do it, Mikey. Ben says it's better to give. Cue too many "give" and "receive" jokes. Ben begs Michael not to do anything special for his birthday. He just wants something "low-key." Michael smirks, happy that he's directly disobeying what Ben has asked. He'll just do the opposite. That'll please that man of his! Michael asks where he'd like to go to dinner. Ben asks for something so easy and casual it's only a small notch above the Liberty Diner. Michael asks what time Ben will be home that night. Ben mentions again that his Palm is missing. How long does Michael need to hold on to that thing? What an asshole. Just steal my diary so you can read what I'm hoping I'll get for Christmas. Steal my laptop to find out what software programs need an update. Ben has class until four, then a doctor's appointment, and then yoga, so he won't be back until 7:30. No "what do you need to see the doctor for?" from this Bad Boyfriend. Ben is immediately in the arms of some stranger named Paul who just walks right into his chest. They smile, hug, call each other "baby," and say they're doing well. Ben introduces Paul to Michael. Paul says he heard Ben was seeing someone. Paul stammers that he and Ben should "get together" some time. Ben says he'll call him. Paul walks off. "Nice guy," Michael says, with the quickest assessment of character I've ever seen. Ben says that Paul's "a sweetheart." A couple of weeks ago, I was at a party where a few of my friends were making fun of another friend of mine for calling a guy "a sweetheart." Who says that? And what kind of guy is a sweetheart? We were like, "Oh, that guy? He's a real snugglepuss. Total kitty-face. Just a bundle of smuchshypush. No, I've hung out with him. Just a real big marshmellowbutt." Ben tells Michael that he was with Paul five years ago. Michael takes too long with math, so Ben explains that Paul's the one who infected him. Michael fakes like he's going to go and kick Paul's ass until Ben explains that it was an accident and Paul didn't know he was positive at the time. Ben adds that he was to blame, since he should have been more careful. How does Michael not already know the story of how Ben got infected? I tell all of my friends how I got the scar on the back of my right hand. Ben says he's forgiven Paul by now. He walks away as a stunned Michael staggers after him.
This gym scene is so fucking annoying that I refuse to recap it. They clip everybody together so they're all standing in the same place with every single line, but the background changes. They all repeat their lines and it's retarded and gives me a headache. But the "plot" goes like this: Michael complains that Ben is perfect. This goes on for a while -- Ben's perfect and free from emotional baggage and loves the guy who gave him HIV. I can't even recap this part here were Emmett's dancing in place like a Rockette. Gay Jesus is great; Ted loves him. He's "the sweetest, the kindest, the most sexiest guy" he's ever met. Ted tells Emmett and Michael that he's already lied to his Gay Jesus Boyfriend. They judge him in a very annoyingly-edited way. How would Gay Jesus not know about JerkAtWork.net, anyway? Doesn't Ted rent out blimps for Steelers games and shit? Emmett sums up: "Well, boys. You date your saints. I'll stick to the sinners." Is that supposed to mean that Emmett's done mourning? That's the end of the scene? Oh, whatever.
Lindsay and Mel are at Brian's to pick up Justin for the violin recital. Love Melanie's outfit here. Wish I were tall enough to wear it. I'd look like a high-school principal. Mel and Lindz are pissed that Brian isn't doing anything for Justin's birthday. They ask if he's at least going to get Justin a cake. Brian says Justin doesn't need a cake, since he gained three ounces last week. Justin walks out trying to figure out his tie. The girls compliment his sport coat. Justin says his mother got it for him for his birthday. Brian asks if "Daddy" ever taught him how to tie a tie. Justin recaps for those who missed Season One that his father was too busy kicking him out of the house and beating the shit out of Brian to teach him. I wish this show had commercials. Brian lets those Season-One missers know that his father was shitty, too. Brian ties Justin's tie, but doesn't give him a present. Everyone watches like they're expecting something that doesn't happen. Brian says he wished to see Justin in a different birthday suit. And we're all tired of those stupid lines, aren't we? Even the actors have to close their eyes. Brian kisses the top of Justin's head and tells him to go get some culture. Justin tells him not to work too hard. They all plod off. Lindsay says she'll catch up with them, and walks back into the loft. Brian predictably asks whether she forgot something. "I don't understand you!" Lindsay yells over the music, even though nobody else has yet this scene. "Few do," Brian smirks. Lindsay recaps the subtext, telling us that Brian obviously loves Justin, but won't celebrate his birthday because he doesn't consider it an accomplishment. Lindsay wraps an anvil with some birthday candles and icing: "Isn't it an accomplishment that he's alive and well? Isn't that enough reason to celebrate?" Apparently not.
The recital. Blissful word-free minutes. Mel's got fishmouth going as she watches the guy play. He's young, with dark greasy hair. There's a black, tiny pussy of hair under his lower lip. I like how they film it so we never actually see the actor mime playing the violin. Justin loves this new boy. Loves him. Loves him so much he has to pull a pencil out of his chest pocket (Ow! That's going to be how he dies someday, jamming that thing into his chest) and starts drawing the boy on his program. Remind me that I can use the "Fiddler on the Roofie" joke later if Justin and this boy start making out at a party. I love that the musician has to wear a black turtleneck with his goatee. I guess he left his beret at home so he wasn't completely the Capio guy. He plays the violin. Justin sketches. Fiddling. Drawing. Music. Pencil. Bow. Paper. Close-up. Closer. Closer still. There is no such thing as too close. Justin's nose hair watches Fiddler's eyebrow. We see the inner workings of a pencil, the inside of the violin. We are a knuckle, a fingertip, the pool of saliva on the tip of Justin's tongue. Yay! Wordless scene! Best scene ever!
"I found it!" Vic beams as he runs down the stairs. Quick! What did you first think Vic found? Check the poll to the right! He's found a kimono he wore to a Winter Drag Ball in '89. He's giving it to Michael for Emmett's party. Oh, wait, wasn't that supposed to be Michael's party? I guess not anymore. Pickle who? Who cares! Anyway, I might as well share the tiny amount of backstory they've given Vic this week. At that Ball, he went as Cho Cho San, and Debbie went as Pinkerton. There you go. Michael and Vic briefly discuss how stunning Emmett will look in it. Suddenly, Michael chastises Vic: "Just don't be late." Like Vic's always the last one to show up. It's because he's always the last one invited. Vic tells Michael not to be so nervous. Michael says he just wants everything to come off as planned. "It'll be the social event of the season," Vic says, not exaggerating in the slightest. Cue Debbie, to repeat the last thing she heard and add a cuss word to it. Then she finds out it's Ben's surprise party so she can act silently angry. Michael reluctantly invites his mother to the party. She declines, saying she's going to the movies with her friend Rosie. She sends her regards to Ben. She stammers, stumbles, and stutters constantly so we know she's lying. You can't even tell she's acting! She just got upstaged by the Cap'n Crunch box in the background on the counter because I started thinking, "I can't believe they didn't change it to 'Cap'n Ass Crunch' or 'Gay Crunch'." We watch Michael slowly leave so that Vic can remark that Debbie hasn't seen Rosie since the '80s. Gasp! You don't say! Debbie throws a sheet at Vic (because he's a ghost of a character!) and orders him to help her fold. We watch them fold for a while. Vic lectures Debbie on not giving Michael an easier time about Ben. Debbie's touchy. How many times do we have to see this scene? I can't believe these ridiculous lines. Vic: "You gotta admit. Ben's been a positive influence on him." Why the fuck would he ever say that? And why key the word "positive" until I can see the words on the screen? Debbie: "Positive! Exactly!" You must admit, Ben's really come to Michael's AIDS. I mean, how much they love each other? It's like, sick. I'd die to have a relationship like they have. When we worked at the jail together, he really helped me out. At the end of the day we have to make sure that all of the inmates are locked up, and they're arranged in hallways by letters of the alphabet. Well, the other day while I was adding up all of the inmates in halls Q, R and S, he just came right over and helped me with my T-cell count.
Lindsay, Melanie, and Justin are stuffing their faces at the reception, talking about how great Greasy Fiddler was. Justin suddenly knows this kid's entire bio. Mel and Lindz are happy to see Justin taking an interest in "culture," and toast themselves to "another lesbian success story." Okay, here's the worst-directed thing I've ever seen. Lindsay looks off to the left and says, "Oh, there's Susan. I'd better thank her for the tickets." Then Lindsay walks to her left, circles Justin completely, and then comes all the way back around to kiss Mel on the shoulder and walk off with her. She does a complete circle for absolutely no reason at all.
So now Justin's alone, sauntering up to Fuzzy Face. Justin holds up his program so we can see that he's holding his sketches of Violin Boy as he finishes his drink. He tells the violin boy that he thought Violin Boy was wonderful. "The Ravel was passable but the Brahms was for shit," says Violin Boy. Justin says he didn't notice. "Yeah, well, you should've; it was all your fault," the boy answers. Is he signing an autograph for Justin? He says that the way Justin was staring at him was very distracting. Justin apologizes. "Although not necessarily in a bad way," the fiddler finishes. Justin laughs and introduces himself. Our fiddler gets a name: Ethan. Justin holds up his program and says he knows. Yes, but we didn't, Justin. Ethan sees Justin's drawings on the program and asks to see it. Justin's modest, but Ethan takes the program. "It's me in five variations," he says. "It's a habit," Justin says. "You know, I can't stop myself." Except for the fact that you've got a gimp hand. Oh, you don't? Well, then forget I said anything. Ethan's about to tell me "it's because the writers don't give a shit about continuity or character development," but he's interrupted by his own creepy utterances to the effect that Justin's a true artist and he plays in his sleep. Where's Brian to make the obvious joke about Ethan playing in his sleep? Ethan seems to know that Justin goes to that school. I guess it's more than just an art college. Justin says that his friends brought him to the recital for his birthday. Lindsay makes an awkward cross at this point and says "Hello!" in this sing-songy voice. Ethan gives Justin a CD of his own music and says, "Happy birthday." Love ourselves much? Justin compliments the photo on the jewel case. Ethan says that time, he'll use one of Justin's sketches. "Do," Justin says quietly. Off-camera friends pull Ethan's attention away from Justin momentarily, so Justin awkwardly has to find somewhere else to go so that he doesn't look like a loser. Once Justin's finally away, Ethan turns to look for him. Of course. Of course. I could end every paragraph of every recap with "of course." Are you guys that do this show still reading these recaps? Do you hate me or agree with me? Do you want to vent? Please just write me an email. I'll keep it secret, but I want to know what it feels like to be on a runaway cliché train. I want to know what you honestly feel about this show. Are you really happy with it, or do you want to scream? Help me help you. Help me help you. Help me. Help you. Help. Help. Somebody help me.
Yo! Whoa. I am watching Ted get head. Come on, people, enough is enough! Ted and Gay Jesus are doing a little 69 action on some kind of red velvet bed. Ted isn't very good and has to keep stopping to catch his breath. Maybe try a different angle, Ted. Please see the Gay Sex 101 thread on the forums for further assistance. Now I'm watching Ted and Gay Jesus share intimate kisses. I'm so close to the action that I'm Gay Jesus's left bicuspid. That's my new Fight Club quote, by the way. "I am Gay Jesus's left bicuspid." Between Ted and Gay Jesus, there's not one fully-formed lip between them. They breathe into each other's mouths about how totally awesome it all is, and how Ted's a wonderful lover. "So nice," Gay Jesus breathes. When we pan back just slightly, the way they're curled into each other makes them look like two sixteen-year-old boys. Gay Jesus isn't allowed subtext either, so he tells Ted that he's such a sincere and honest lover. Ted can't take the pressure of his porn habit, so he stammers for a million years about how he wasn't exactly, kind of, um, well, you know, maybe, uh, um, well, you see, there's, um, relief work, uh, you know, kinda, um, how should I say, you know, uh, I'matotalpornwhoreandIendeduphavingtomakeajerkoffsite (breathe) sopeopledidn'tsendmesomewherefortreatment (breathe) andIneedlotsofattentionbecauseIhaveastrangeideaofwhatloveis. Ted's chest hair is crawling like Daddy Longlegs have hatched from his nipples. Ted needs a facial, as I am now Ted's flaky nose. Gay Jesus absolves Ted from his sins, and tells him that he even visited one of those sites himself. Hey, GJ, did you lock yourself in the house for a month covered in used Kleenexes because you couldn't get your hand off your dick? Because Ted did. Are you ready for that kind of baggage? Are you ready to deal with a man who can't stop talking about fucking all day long? Who doesn't understand the grieving process when a porn convention comes to Pittsburgh? Who whores himself out every single night to get big men not to fuck him but to jerk off near him because he can't get guys to fuck him? He's Ted. He's pathetic. He isn't capable of human emotion like we are, Gay Jesus. Do yourself a favor and fuck Brian Kinney. At least it's simpler, and when it's over you have the rest of Pittsburgh to commiserate with you. Ted asks Gay Jesus if he minds. "No, no," Gay Jesus says. "Look. You're what matters." He whispers this as we're a particle of breath bouncing inside his upper teeth. We zoom into Ted until we're one smudge of blue on his iris. Ted exhales a laugh and we fall into one of his cheek pores. They kiss open-mouthed, without tongue.
Justin's playing Ethan's CD for Brian, telling him how incredible the performance was. Can't we hear a different song this time? Brian's putting together a stool. I don't even know what to say about that. Why is he doing that? Justin tells Brian that it wouldn't hurt to expose himself to a little culture. Brian starts up about an oboe player at the baths that he exposed himself to. Even Justin can't take any more of these lame-ass sex jokes. He walks away, nose in the air, dancing in the stink of his own culture. Brian grabs Justin from behind and covers his eyes. "Are you up for another birthday treat?" he asks. Justin's so happy, saying he knew that Brian was saying a load of bullshit about not believing in birthdays. Brian leads Justin over to the bedroom as Justin's anticipation mounts. I don't know why Justin's having such a hard time walking in a straight line, but he's flailing around, bending like he's failing a sobriety test. Brian uncovers his eyes and Justin is crestfallen: the present is a naked man with a bow around his dick saying "Happy Birthday" just as Ethan's violin song comes to an end. Brian bought Justin sex for his birthday. Brian tells Justin that the guy looks just like some underwear model they both like. He tells Justin to unwrap his present. Justin walks over and pulls the red ribbon off the trick's rather tiny dick. Here's the deal. We never, ever get to see dick on television. We just don't. I think it's because the people running things are men, and they can't stand to film dicks bigger than theirs. It's like when a boyfriend finally bought me a vibrator for my birthday because I'd been asking for I don't know how long. He bought me one of those pocket vibrator things. I was like, "Is this for the cat?" No competition. So we see wee willies onscreen so there's no competition. Please let women run a show. But the rest of this boy's pretty hot. Just don't look at his face. He pulls Justin in by the ribbon and everybody goes to town.
Emmett answers the door to a gong noise, signaling one offensive moment after another. He is in full Geisha makeup, bowing and quietly saying, "Welcome, kind gentlemen. Please enter. I am your hostess for the evening." Then he giggles into his fingers. It's Ted and Gay Jesus at the door. Emmett drops the bit for a second to dance around about how great he looks. Ted: "You put the gay back in Geisha." Of course. Michael pops his head into the door and tells everyone to hurry inside. Emmett prances around in a Geisha parody, clapping his hands and making his lips into a severe "O" shape. Ted introduces Gay Jesus to Michael and "M. Butterfly." Emmett says that they've already met, which is true, so I don't know why Ted's introducing them again. Ted moans that the place looks like something he saw in a dream after he ate bad noodles. One Asian woman walks by. Oh, this fucking show. First of all, it's, like, six decorations. There's more festivities at my mother's Christmas celebration, which involves one tree and the scariest statue of Santa in the entire world. Secondly, one Asian woman walking by? Did Emmett rent her or something? Emmett admits he got a bit carried away, and invites everyone in for sake and corn doodles, since he blew all the budget on decorations and had nothing left for sushi.
Ted and Gay Jesus awkwardly walk five feet to their point, where Mel and Lindsay walk up together in unison. There's better blocking in fifth-grade Thanksgiving pageants. Mel and Lindsay cannot shut up about how Ted won't shut up about Gay Jesus. They've been dating for six hours, people. When did Ted tell the girls how much he loved his new boyfriend? Ted excuses himself to get some sake.
Uncle Vic shows up with Debbie. Michael's so happy to see his mother. Debbie says Rosie cancelled at the last minute, stammer, stammer, stumble. Warm smiles and hugs. All is forgiven.
Mel and Lindsay are still going on about how Ted uses many superlatives in describing Gay Jesus. Mel, Lindsay, and Emmett begin the "dick" monologue from Reservoir Dogs to tell Gay Jesus how Ted's totally addicted to porn, dick, porn, porn, dick, porn, and gay porn. My boyfriend points out that Gay Jesus has baby teeth -- those tiny, tiny teeth some adults get. Ted comes back into the conversation just as Gay Jesus has decided that he no longer wants to date Ted. He calls Gay Jesus the cutest, sweetest, nicest, blah blah blah and decides he's the luckiest guy in the world.
Michael shouts that there's somebody coming up the steps, so it must be Ben. Everybody hides in the dark. One guy prances across the door just as the noise settles. The door opens. Everyone shouts "Surprise!" as Emmett hits a gong. It's Brian and Justin. Of course. Does Ben have any friends of his own? Michael bitches out the boys for showing up late to a surprise party. Brian explains that they were busy with their own surprise party. Lindsay and Melanie flank Justin and kiss him, saying how happy they are that Brian gave him a present after all. Justin spits that Brian got him a hustler. Lindsay and Melanie ask if Justin's serious. Michael runs back into the room and whispers that Ben's coming. Emmett stops picking his teeth, everyone hushes and the same guy prances across the room just as the room quiets down. Ha. It's like Noises Off in here. Ben opens the door. Everyone shouts "Surprise!" Michael runs up and kisses Ben, shouting, "We really surprised him! We really surprised you!" He tells the obviously furious Ben, "Happy birthday." Ben asks what the fuck is going on. Michael explains the concept of birthdays and parties in Western culture. Ben asks how Michael knows all of his friends. Right, since Ben hasn't introduced his secret boyfriend to any of them. Michael finally returns the stolen Palm Pilot. I wish Ben had gotten fired for forgetting a proposal or a project that was due. Ben's pretty pissed off. "You had no right, Michael," he says. Michael tries to whisper, asking what's wrong with him. Ben screams that he doesn't want to celebrate his birthday, adding many cuss words to his sentences. Michael whispers that his friends are all here. Ben looks right at Paul. Why the hell would Michael invite him? Puppyhips or not, I can't imagine Michael would want to be chummy with him. Paul makes a face like, "Oh, maybe he's still not too happy with me. Should I return this box of condoms I bought him as a present?" Ben tells Michael to make everyone leave. He storms off to his bedroom. Michael's friends quietly start to trail off. "And this is the guy who's good for my son," Debbie says indignantly, self-righteously, and yes, I think a little happily. She leaves, her shiny pink cowboy shirt leaving tracers as she walks away. That Paul guy is like, "Man, did I fart or something? Why does everyone keep looking at me like that?" The one Asian girl starts to leave, walking by Emmett without saying, "I think you're horribly offensive. party you have, let me know so I can come as a giant fairy, flipping my wrists as I scatter pixie dust on people and beg to give blowjobs."
Michael is complaining to Brian in a sentence that uses every form of the first person singular pronoun. He can't believe Ben didn't appreciate Michael's hard work. All the stuff he did. Uh, you mean the stuff Emmett did? Hey, where's Justin? Hey, Brian. Your boyfriend's having a fucking birthday, you asshole. Michael keeps bitching and cussing until Brian complains that he's tired of hearing Michael's pity party. "What did I do?" Michael asks. "Because I throw him a goddamn party?" Brian tells Michael that he wants too much: "You expect too much and then when your hero disappoints you, your heart gets crushed." Also called: Season One. Oh, and Season Two. Michael asks if he should be more like Brian and expect nothing, want nothing from people. Yes, everything should always be in extremes. You only have one choice or the other. It's gay or straight. Brian, light your fucking cigarette.
Ted's very happy watching men fuck while talking about men fucking while taking calls from men who want to watch men fuck with double-headed dildos. Gay Jesus, however, is starting to feel a little squeamish. I love how Ted thinks everyone finds his nasty world fascinating. I always imagine Ted's badly lit office is in the nastiest office building in some skank part of Pittsburgh, the mailbox stuffed with used needles and the coffee shop actually a liquor store. Ted kisses Gay Jesus around the circle jerk, and that's totally creepy. What else is creepy? Ted's badly lit office with its empty, bare walls and how nobody is ever dressed or talking and you just hear the quiet sounds of moans and groans but you can't see where they're coming from. Ted flirts with Gay Jesus. They make GJ say, "Did I come at a bad time?" Ted jokes that around here there's no such thing. Ba-dum-bum. He gives him the "V.I.P. tour," and I can't help thinking about the Mr. Show sketch that parodies Larry Flynt with the guy who made the taint a sensation. When he spins around at his own party of five people -- that's exactly what this is like. Ted hands out dildos and such, coaching guys on their sex play. He walks past an inflated penis as he starts on his totally creepy "cutest," whispering stuff, saying that his "members" would freak to get one look at him. Then he promises he'd never put Gay Jesus in front of his cameras. Why not? He already put his best friend up there. He forced Emmett to do it. I know he'd do the same to Gay Jesus in a second. Gay Jesus has had enough of all the gross stuff, and tells Ted he doesn't want to see him anymore. He thinks they're moving too fast. Ted's like, "Too fast? I love you! I've been with you for three days and I think you're everything in the world to me! I love you! I love you! How could this be too fast! Do you want to see curtain three felch?" Ted asks why Gay Jesus wants to break up. Gay Jesus listens to a man come and says he tried not to let all of this stuff bother him, but the fact is that Ted's not just providing a service. Ted's got a porn problem! Say it, Gay Jesus! Ted says he's willing to do anything to keep Gay Jesus, and now says he'll shut down the site and give it up. Gay Jesus does not want that kind of pressure looming over his head, and knows that the porn totally comes first. The spinny-cam is in full effect as Gay Jesus lies and says that this is his problem and not Ted's. Ted says that they can work on it together. I vomit from the constant spinny-cam. Gay Jesus apologizes and tries to kiss Ted's cheek, but Ted jerks back like Gay Jesus's mouth is a vagina. Gay Jesus leaves and Ted cries in his giant, poorly lit pornucopia. "Easy, guys," he calls out to the naked men who won't have sex with Ted. "Pace yourselves. Pace yourselves." And...scene! Wonderful! So much for the Ted storyline, so put him back in a trunk or something until we need a gross plot.
Whatever, this totally makes no sense. Brian's helping Lindsay and Melanie load their car at a Home Depot. The fuck? Look, seriously. Who the hell is watching Gus anymore? Has he been sent away to a fancy school? It's raining, and Lindsay's the only one with an umbrella. Brian asks how it feels to be Leda's gophers. Lindsay and Melanie say she's doing them a favor, so they had to volunteer to help out. Their trunk closes, so both Mel and Lindsay have to open it again, because lesbians can't open a trunk, you know. Brian suggests that they hire a professional to do the renovations. Melanie cracks that Brian knows all about hiring professionals. Lindsay curses loudly and says she left her credit card inside the Home Depot. "You sure?" Mel asks. Just like a man, to second-guess her. Lindsay runs inside to get her credit card. Just like a woman, to leave that behind. An extra walks by carrying sound equipment. Mel and Brian continue loading the trunk. Mel says she heard about the hustler. Brian says, "Yeah. He really got off on it." He says he didn't hear Justin complain. Mel says that Justin wouldn't dare. Brian asks why Mel's complaining. "Because," she says. "I'm not in love with you." Brian: "Finally, someone who isn't." Mel says he should have given Justin something more thoughtful. Brian tells her to keep the "Jewish mother" guilt stuff for his son. Mel retorts with an "oh, fuck off, Brian." She tells him that Justin wants something romantic. Brian finally lights a cigarette (in the rain?) and complains that he and Justin are not a couple of dykes. "You should be so lucky," Mel says. Brian jokes that he could send Justin a couple dozen roses. Mel doesn't see the problem with that. "Because he's not my wife," Brian says. "We're not married. We're not straight." Ooh, burn. Straight people are the only ones that send flowers. Yeah, I've heard that stereotype before. Mel asks Brian to back off his "holier-than-thou, I'm gay and if you don't like it you can suck my dick" principles for a few minutes -- long enough to be a good boyfriend to Justin. Brian says that Justin knows he cares. Lindsay runs back with her credit card, just in time. We have to watch Melanie push the cart across the parking lot, presumably into another car. Then they all walk back to the car to drive off. I love watching the pointlessly mundane!
Art school. One person in the entire school plays the violin, and that's Ethan. Since he's the only one, he's allowed to play as loudly as he'd like in a rehearsal room while the other three students in the school lean against walls like they're so bored with school. Oh, that one girl's holding an instrument like she's bored with the violin, but she's not playing, nor does she have a case to put the instrument in. Justin follows the sound of Ethan and walks into the rehearsal room. He watches Ethan play. I love the dialogue-free scenes so much. Ethan stops playing when he sees Justin. Does he only have the one black turtleneck? Because I'm starting to understand why he's so greasy all the time. He tells Justin that there's no heat in the room and that he's waiting for the maintenance guy. Say it with me now: "Maybe things'll warm up now that you're here." Justin says he heard someone playing, so he knew it must be the one guy who plays music. Ethan asks if Justin would like some tea. He moans about how difficult it is to play in that cold. They somehow skip the "ice forming on your bow" joke. Justin thanks Ethan for the CD. He says he listened to it six times. "You're incredible," Justin says. "I know," Ethan replies. Ethan asks Justin how his birthday went. Justin says he didn't really have a good time, since his boyfriend doesn't think being born is reason to celebrate. Ethan says he's disappointed to hear that Justin has a boyfriend, and swears that if he were Justin's boyfriend, he'd give Justin a total birthday celebration. Justin asks what that would be. "Like, first...I'd bring you breakfast in bed. And then I'd play for you." Get out of there now, Justin. It's just another boy who loves himself more than he could ever love you. "And then we'd make love a couple hundred times," he continues. Justin, he's also a liar. Get out now! Justin laughs and asks if that's all before lunch. "Yes," Ethan says without a hint of understanding humor. "But I'm not your boyfriend." Justin stammers that he has to leave, and walks off. The metronome kicks in, showing us how boringly paced and dramatically predictable that scene just was. Ethan begins playing his violin. It takes a long time before he does, and we watch an out-of-focus Ethan play for a little while.
There's a knock at Michael's set door. Pittsburgh must be really safe, because doors only need a deadbolt, and Michael doesn't even have that one locked. Ben's at the door. Michael would have known that if his door were equipped with a peephole. Alas, it isn't. Michael just walks away, and Ben has to let himself in. Ben swallows (heh) and walks in. He shuts the door without locking it. He says he's missed Michael the past few nights. Michael says he thought it'd be best if he slept alone. He says he might as well start sleeping alone from now on. Hear, hear. Ben says he knows he got a little upset at the party. Michael interrupts, "A little upset? You were a fucking monster!" You know, episode, I'm doing a curse count. Michael says that Ben humiliated everyone there, after all the work Michael did for him, and Michael's not going to do something like that again because he, he, him, him, he, him, him. Ben finally interrupts Michael's ninth rendition of "Pity Party Polka" to tell him that his T-cells went down. He was at the doctor before the party (And then he went to yoga, remember? He still went to yoga?), and he found out. He says that's why he was so grumpy when he came home. His viral load is back up. 125,000. He says the cocktail isn't working and the virus has become resistant. They've already changed the drugs. Ben lights a cigarette in the most exaggerated, drawn-out gesture. Michael asks since when he smokes. He doesn't, as you can tell from the way the actor is smoking. And who just lights up in someone else's house, particularly if that person isn't a smoker? Is he just going to ash on Michael's floor? Ben doesn't really give a shit about anything anymore. He pointedly says, "I am not perfect, you know?" Wait! But just half an hour ago Michael told us that you were! Does that mean that perhaps in life...nobody's perfect? Gosh, this show just teaches me a bit about life and the human condition each and every week. The caring and always delicate Michael says, "Yeah, I'm beginning to find that out." I love that Michael's pissed that Ben's smoking when he just told Michael that he got the worst news of his life: "Fuck all that, I don't want to have to kiss an ashtray!" Ben says he's so mad at himself for trying to buy into that Buddha/yoga/chakra bullshit. Michael has a terrifying Teletubbies baby-god head on his wall. He tells Ben that it's not all bullshit. Ben says he hurt the one person who means more to him than anyone else, and that there's no excuse for it at all. "You're human," Ben says, slamming the anvil all the way home. All is forgiven. Everything's fine. Michael can't look at just one of Ben's eyes in this close-up and has to dart his eyes back and forth faster than Kirsten Dunst at the end of Spider-Man. Michael wipes Ben's face, and we fade to white.
Justin's looking at his quickly abandoned sketches. He finds Ethan's CD at the bottom of the stack. Ethan needs to learn some better Photoshop skills, pronto. Justin sits as the spinny-cam does its magic. He places the CD in the player and listens as he sits in the spinny-stool that Brian just built earlier in the show. In a surprisingly touching moment, Justin spins around the room, dancing to Ethan's music. Just quietly listening and spinning. Best scene ever.
Brian thinks about buying some roses. The vendor says that the flowers are really beautiful. Brian hates things straight people like, so he tosses the flowers back down. The vendor gives an enormous shrug and shake of head and hand wave so we know that both it's no skin off his nose, and also, he doesn't understand those gay men. Brian walks into the wet streets like Carrie Bradshaw just had a moonlight kiss from Mr. Big.
week, everyone's watching something else, but the week after that...Brian gets fired, Emmett gets rich, Ted gets pissed, and then Tivo cut off the program. See ya then.