...Wherever That Dream May Lead You

Brian's. Brian's in bed, getting a blowjob from some guy. The guy looks up. Hey, it's Justin. Sorry, I didn't recognize his butt. Brian rolls over to reciprocate, but Justin pushes him away. Brian's like, "Since when do you turn down getting your dick sucked?" That's not rejection, Brian -- it's shock. But Justin says he wants to "save [his] energy for his art." Brian can give him a blowjob tomorrow. Brian says he might not be in the mood tomorrow. Justin's like, uh, yeah. I'll take my chances. I don't know, Justin. Christmas only comes once a year. Brian goes to the bathroom, and Justin tries to work on a drawing in his sketchpad. His right hand starts shaking uncontrollably. Justin pulls it back and stretches it out, making sure that Brian didn't see. Justin tries again, and the same thing happens. And terror is written all over his face. Brian walks back to bed and asks whether Justin's drawing naked pictures of him again. Justin chuckles that he's just doodling. Brian goes down on him anyway, saying that he, too, is just "doodling." With his tongue. Justin gives up, but keeps looking at his own hand.

Breakfast at the Liberty Diner. Brian and Mike sit in a booth together, and I still can't believe these people get up early enough to have breakfast out before going to work. I can barely get up early enough to exercise before going to work, and that's only twenty-five minutes with Denise Austin on television in my living room, five feet from the bed. And I still have to give myself a pep talk every morning. Unless, for some reason, I'm already awake, getting up two hours early to have breakfast with a bunch of people I see every single day anyway? Is not going to happen. Anyway, Mike mumbles about changing his hairstyle -- maybe buzzing it or bleaching it blonde. Brian asks Mike what's wrong. Mike says nothing's wrong. Brian says that every time something goes wrong in Mike's life, he thinks about doing something to his hair. Mike doesn't think so. Debbie comes by with coffee and Brian tells her that Mike wants to do something to his hair. Debbie, predictably, wants to know what's wrong. Mike finally growls, "It just feels like everybody's life is speeding along. Lindsay and Melanie are getting married. Justin's going to art school, and he was practically dead a couple of months ago, for fuck's sake! And I'm still stuck at the starting gate!" Debbie's all, when did this become a race? Mike pouts, "Since I started coming in last!" Debbie tells him to do something about it, then: "After all, you're cute. You're young. You're hung." Which qualifies him to do what? Start a new career as a male stripper? ["Plus why does Mike's MOM know he's hung?" -- Wing Chun] Mike doesn't know what to do. Brian snaps that he should quit working at the Big Q. Mike would like to, but he has "obligations." To, uh, "others." Debbie knows he's talking about her, and informs him that his first obligation is to himself. What's going to make him happy? Mike takes so long to answer that Brian finally sighs, "Should we hum the theme to Jeopardy?" Mike growls at Brian to fuck off, and then adds, "What would make me happy is to get to work on time and not get shit from my boss!" The day hasn't even started and already he's screwed. Emmett droops over to the booth. Mike was worried, since Emmett didn't come home the night before. Debbie hopefully cackles, "Someone got lucky!" Emmett frowns, "Good for him. I spent the night at Ted's." Playing twenty rounds of "Hide the Lube," no doubt. Sounds like fun. Well, I guess that would depend on where you're hiding it. Aw, man -- now they've got me doing it. Ted's in trouble, Emmett continues, and the only thing to do is to hold an intervention. Debbie's all, is it booze? Nope. Dick. Namely, his own. Brian snorts, "Schmuck. He couldn't even get a decent addiction." Oh, yeah, Brian. Because having an audience makes all the difference.

Ted's. Ted's watching a porno from the couch. He looks up as the camera pans over to the other side of the living room, where Brian, Emmett, and Mike hover with concern. Ted hunches down even more and peers up at them with Gollum-like apprehension. Emmett warns his friends not to get too close: "He might ask you to squeeze something." Oh, God, STOP IT, right now! Ted shrugs like, so what's up, guys? Emmett announces that Ted has a problem. Brian's still trying to figure out whether this is a joke. Mike just shakes his head. Ted says they shouldn't worry: "I've got the situation in hand." Uh huh. Ted says that he's just relieving a little tension. Right. I've got this theory that there's a connection between sperm loss and the use of bad puns. Think about it. It would explain a lot. Mike attempts, "Just remember, you have so much to give -- so many gifts." Brian looks over at Michael in disbelief. Seriously, does anyone fall for that? Brian's more or less done and cuts to the chase: "You know what? Fuck this! Get off your ass and go take a shower. You reek. And go find a job." Wounded, Ted protectively clutches his robe around himself. Emmett tries to put a lighter spin on things; he knows that Ted's just having a self-esteem crisis, but he'll be okay. As Emmett and Mike lead Ted to the bathroom, Emmett finishes, "So allow us to love you until you can love yourself." Mike's like, uh, I think he's loved himself enough. Ba-dum-bump. Brian opens up his cell phone and calls his office. He asks for someone named Oliver. Brian starts to pace, but stops when he gets a sticky tissue stuck to the bottom of his shoe. Gack. In a nice bit of physical comedy, Brian tries to shake the tissue loose while setting up an interview for Ted with his agency's accounting department. Brian can't get rid of the tissue. He tries scraping it off on the carpet. Nothing. In minor annoyance, he tries scraping it off on a coffee table leg. No go. And you know there's no way in hell he's reaching down and ripping it off. Brian hangs up the phone and tells Ted about the interview, screaming through the door, "So don't fuck it up!" Ted emerges, pale and wobbly, and replies, "Don't worry, I'm too sore to fuck anything!" Mike and Emmett drag him back to the shower.

Justin's first art class. Seven easels surround a nude male model. The professor -- a hip black woman -- tells her proto-artists to focus on the "musculature of the back and the buttocks." Right. But what about those people facing the guy? Are they just supposed to use their imagination? She wanders past Justin just as his hand goes out of control. The professor asks if something's wrong. Justin assures her that everything's fine. But it's really not.

Q-Mart. Mike runs in, adjusting his tie. Tracy -- whose hair has thankfully grown out since last week -- asks where he's been, and warns that His Awfulness has been asking about him. Off-camera, Andrew snarls, "Nice of you to join us, Novotny." Mike apologizes. Awful Andrew snipes, "Maybe waltzing in anytime you please was okay when you were running things, but I'm in charge now." Tracy and Mike glare at him. Mike apologizes with a little more force this time. His Royal Assholeness says that he isn't trying to give Mike a hard time -- it's just that Andrew depends on Mike a lot. For example, some kid just threw up in the store, and who could do clean-up detail better than Michael? Mike sucks it up and says he'll get to it right away; Andrew slithers off. Tracy wants to know how Mike puts up with all this crap. Mike's too frustrated to answer.

PIFA. Justin is still in the same room, trying to finish his sketch. The Dean of the school walks in to discuss Justin's problems in class earlier. Wow, the Dean wants to talk to him already? They must have a really long wait list. Justin says that there's not a problem! His hand just get tired sometimes, but that's it. Justin even quotes his occupational therapist, who assured him that the strength in Justin's hands will come back. The Dean asks to see his sketch. Justin protests that it's not finished. The Dean flips through the sketchpad with concern. Justin looks down. The Dean says that Justin's very talented, but that the program is pretty strenuous, and Justin might want to consider whether he's up to it. Dude. It's the first day. Ouch. Having dropped that lovely bit of goodness and light, Dean Larsen walks out with a smile.

Mike walks into Buzzy's comic-book store, looking like he just made it home. Buzzy asks Mike how it's going. Mike says it's much better now, thanks, and did Buzzy get a chance to order the Justice League comic that Mike wanted? Buzzy says he did, but that it might not get there in time. In time for what? Buzzy's moving to Florida at the end of the month. Permanently. And closing the store. "Twenty years is long enough. I'm going to kick back, smoke some weed. Do some fishing. Maybe I'll start up a band. That's always been a dream of mine." Mike pastes on the Dumb And Happy Smile, and wishes Buzzy good luck, but oh, man.

Babylon! Okay, let's see if I can describe this right. Men dressed in silver bodysuits with wide wing-sleeves and antennaed silver skullcaps, looking like eight-foot-tall galactic butterflies, dance around on the raised platforms. There also seem to be gigantic Japanese fans involved. I don't know what to tell you. The Boys watch from the usual stairway. Emmett tells Ted that he's proud of him for getting up and getting out, finally. And getting a job. Ted says it's all thanks to Brian. Brian shrugs that he just told Oliver that Ted was really boring, which is apparently like crack in Accountant World. Ted thanks him anyway: "In fact, out of the six billion people in the world, I'm sure that I rank somewhere below the countries of Zambia and Zimbabwe, but if there's anything I can do to return the favor...." Brian says that there is: just ignore him when they're at work, all right? Ted's like, that will be no problem. Brian offers Mike a bump, but Mike angrily pushes it away. What's his problem? Mike grouses that his favorite comic-book shop is closing because the owner's moving to Florida: "Even fucking Buzzy has a dream." Ted asks, because he didn't quite hear that, "Who's fucking Buzzy?" Brian snerks, "No one. I've seen him." Emmett's like, aren't there any other comic-book stores in Pittsburgh? Well, yeah, but Buzzy's was Mike's place. He'd been going there since he was ten years old. Oh, I'm feelin' him. I remember the day they closed down my favorite comic-book store. I came home from college one day, and there it wasn't. And any time I drive by, I still feel this little...sob! Justin walks in, looking for Brian. He's obviously hopped up on something. Brian gives him a big kiss, then asks why Justin isn't home getting ready for school. Justin says that he isn't going. Emmett grimaces, "Let me guess -- you heard that they're going to make you draw vaginas?" Justin's like, no, I quit. Yeah, you heard him. Justin shrugs, "Well, I can't draw anymore, so what's the point of wasting my time. When I could be here, popping pills and drinking beer and sticking my gimp hand down guys' pants." To illustrate, he sticks his hand down an HDGB's pants and asks him if he wants to dance. The HDGB is all, oh, yeah, baby! They boogie off, and Mike asks Brian what the hell that was. Brian grimly replies, "Pain management."

Big Q-Mart. Mike and Tracy hang a huge banner that proclaims, "Big Q's Annual Sidewalk Sale! Fun for the Whole Family!" Bunches of red, white, and blue balloons hang from all the racks. Mike groans that he can't wait for it to be over: "Fun for the Whole Family. More like, 'Here's your balloon, kid, now shut up and let me shop!'" Tracy giggles. Mike asks who this year's "victim" is. Tracy says it's Sally, the new cashier. Mike shrugs, "She's sweet. At least she was until today. Today we drain her of her soul, her dignity." The Asshole walks up holding a clown costume. He says that Sally called in sick, and tries to hand the outfit to Mike. Andrew says it's all Mike's, since the newest employee gets the "honor." Tracy protests that Michael isn't the new employee, but technically he is, since he quit and then came back. Mike's not doing it.

The shot features Mike all clowned up, holding a bunch of balloons. Kids circle around him and try and grab at the balloons. Mike hands a white one to a small boy, who pouts, "I wanted a red one." Mike snarls, "Life sucks, kid!" Oh, but it gets better. Mel and L. have just walked in, pushing Gus in a stroller. What they're doing there in the middle of a work day is anyone's guess. Lindsay peers at the clown and tells Melanie that she thinks that's Michael. The two walk over slowly, as Melanie mutters, "What would he be doing in a clown suit? He's a manager, they don't make managers clowns." That one's too easy. Let's move on. Mike spots them and tries to hide behind his balloons. Too late. Lindsay asks for a balloon for Gus. Mike tries to hand Lindsay all of them, so that he can still hide. Mel reminds him that they only need one. Lindsay asks if he knows Michael Novotny? Then, she's like, hey, you are Michael Novotny! Melanie's mortified for him, but can't keep from laughing. Mike growls, "Don't ask. And don't tell, especially Brian!" Because God forbid Brian should be tempted to think any less of Mike. Lindsay laughs, "There have been some great clowns! Bozo, Emmett Kelly --" Don't forget Debbie! Mike walks away in disgust.

Brian's advertising agency. Have they ever given this place a name? Brian walks down the hall with a colleague as Ted passes by. Ted breaks his promise by yelling across the hallway, "Hey, guys, how's it going?" Brian pretends that he has no idea who Ted is. Snicker. The two men walk into what seems to be the graphic-design room. They go over to a guy at one of the computer terminals, who's designing an ad mockup by moving the stylus over the screen to create, dare I say it, ART. Shep makes red poppies, green leaves, point and click, bigger seeds, whatever he thinks Brian wants. A big lightbulb goes off over Brian's head with an almost audible click.

Ted's new office. Ted sits behind a stack of papers, as his new boss briefs him on the many things he needs to know about the wide, wonderful world of ad-agency accounting. With each bit of information, Ted responds that he's familiar with it; it's just like his old job. Sudddenly, Ted can see the New Boss in peephole-vision as he drones, "We pad our client billing." Ted intones, "Just like my last job." New Boss drones, "And we walk around like we're dead inside." Ted intones, "Just like my last job." New Boss snaps him back to attention, and the viewer to the regular camera view. Ted jumps and says he'll get on it right away! And then calls his New Boss "Wertshafter." New Boss could care less, and ambles off. Ted's cell phone rings, and he holds it up to his ear with a wrist-bandaged hand. Nice touch. It's Emmett, checking up on him. Ted says it's "glorious," adding, "I have a desk and a chair and a computer." Emmett wants to know what the color scheme is. Ted says it's beigey-grey, or greyish-beige, depending on how you want to look at it; it's all death by boredom. Emmett, flipping through a set of pictures and not really paying attention, says it sounds perfect! Stay in touch, but stay off the internet! Bye-ee!

Emmett hangs up just as Mike walks in the door. Emmett shakes his head over the pictures and grins, "You look good with a little makeup." Mike instantly misunderstands, thinking that Mel and L. told Emmett about the clown gig. Emmett's like, uh, the pictures from PrideFest came back: "And forgive me for saying this, but you make one bitchin' broad." Mike breathes a sigh of relief, and then shakes his head: "There I am, kissing my boss. The biggest asshole in the world." Dude, Emmett got pictures of that? BLACKMAIL! Emmett drawls, "Well, that's what Pride is all about. Love and forgiveness, I mean." And then he frowns. Is Michael wearing blush? Michael scowls off to the bathroom and finishes wiping the clown makeup off. He plops down onto the couch and stews. Looking up, he sees his big Captain Astro mural. Hmmmm. He goes into his room and gets the issue of Astro Comics #1 that Brian bought him for his birthday, and looks it over.

Later, back at the loft, Brian's brought home the computer from work. It sits patiently on the desk as he does many crunches on the floor. I'm just going to take that as a shout-out, because it's been a tough week. Justin stumbles in and Brian smirks, "The Lost Boy returns." Justin pads into the kitchen, grabs a bottle of water, and pours it over his head. Like Brian did in the premiere. Because Justin's using drugs and sex to forget his private pain like Brian's been doing his entire life. Because Justin's life is supposed to parallel Brian's. He's just like Brian. Got that? Justin ambles over to his future self, and Brian wipes his face off with a towel. Brian asks how Daphne is. Justin says that Daphne and her roomies had to study: "Fortunately, that's no longer my problem." And we couldn't have seen Daphne first-hand? What did I ever do to CowLip to deserve such a dis? Oh. Never mind. Justin said that he went to Woody's , and got bought a lot of drinks: "They all wanted to fuck me. Thank God I still have my looks." Justin says he turned everyone down so that he could come home to Brian. Brian pushes him away and says, fine, but come see what I got you! He leads Justin over to the computer. Justin recognizes what it is, and says he's not interested in what he calls "false hope." But Brian's like, hey, you can draw on the screen -- it's just like a pencil or pen but it's easier to control, isn't this cool? Justin snarls, "You mean with my gimp hand?" Brian mutters, "And there's a million special effects that you can create with it. Stop being a fucking princess and come give it a try." Justin's like, oh, why, just to make Brian happy? He asks, "So you can tell yourself you fixed Little Justin's problems and made everything all better? Well, you can't fix this -- no one can." I call dibs in the bitch-slap line behind Brian! Brian's amazed that Justin would quit so easily. Miss Teen Drama Queen storms, "It's over, all right? Accept it. I'm not going to draw again! And no fucking electronic Crayola box is going to change that!" He invites Brian to have sex with him before he passes out. Oh, yeah, that's attractive. Good thing he got the Semi-Annual Blowjob the night before.