Pride and Prejudice

S02E04

Brian's loft. Brian takes pictures of a blond, muscular HDGB standing in the middle of the floor. The HDGB is wearing a pair of well-filled swimming trunks, a diving mask, and an inflatable pool chaise (which I couldn't remember the name of -- thanks trudi, lawtalkin'guy). He poses. Brian takes pictures. He poses. Brian takes some more pictures.

Later, Brian edits the pictures on his computer, and prints them on a label called "Pool Boy." The Pool Boy in the loft saunters up to Brian, licking his lips. Hmm. I wonder what he wants. Brian opens up his zipper. Pool Boy puts on his diving goggles, 'cause he's going down, baby! But seriously, if you agree to pose for that long, shouldn't someone be checking your filter?

The P-FLAG P-Arade P-Reparations. Everyone's painting signs for the big day. Justin's working on one with both hands. When Vic praises his work, Justin agrees that he's getting better: "Brian's been helping me with my exercises." Mike just bets he is. Justin gets Mike back for that remark by painting a pink mustache on him. Mike grumps off. Vic reminisces about his first Pride March, after the Stonewall Riots. He says there were only about twenty-five people marching that first year.Vic snorts, "You think coming out is tough now, you should have done it back then." Behind them, Debbie and Jennifer unfurl the main banner, as everyone applauds. Debbie also unveils a special t-shirt she had made in honor of her first march with Michael -- it's bright purple, with "My Gay Son Makes Me So Proud!" written in big white letters, with a happy face underneath. Mike's horrified. Jennifer thinks it's adorable. Justin makes his Mom swear she didn't get one. Seriously. Mike meekly asks Debbie if she wants a doughnut. Debbie rolls her eyes and snaps, "You're not!" Mike's like, I didn't say anything! Debbie retorts that he didn't have to. He's going to back out of marching with her. Why? Mike says he can't do it: "It's easy for you to wave banners and march around. You've got nothing to lose. Hell, you're not even gay!" Debbie replies that she's the best thing, "and [she's] damn proud of it." She stalks over to Justin and sticks a finger in his face, snapping, "You'd better be marching!" Justin's like, uh, yes, ma'am!

Brian's loft. Brian sits on the edge of the couch as Lindsay paces. Brian asks, "Smart?" Lindsay confirms it. Brian nods, "Sexy?" Lindsay anguishes, "Yes!" Brian grins, "Pierced pussy?" Oh. Ow. Lindsay's like, how would she know? Brian adds, "In other words, the legendary Leda lives up to her legend." Lindsay pouts, "Better. Compared to her, I'm a bland, flabby hausfrau." Well, that's just silly. Lindsay doesn't wear a bra better than anyone I know. Brian smirks, "It's not your fault that you're not as tight as you once were." Lindsay curses him out, and pushes him over on the couch. Girl fight! Brian sighs, "Don't worry, some women are attracted to stretch marks." That's it. Lindsay straddles him and starts to tickle. Brian gives as good as he gets. They're both laughing hysterically on the couch when Pool Boy walks by. Lindsay jumps up. Brian hands Pool Boy some money. Pool Boy thanks him and bails. Lindsay snickers, "Paying for it, now? I suppose older gentlemen have to do that!" Brian snaps, "I know this might be harder to swallow than his ten-inch dick, but 'Poolside' has just become 'Pool Boy.'" Yeah, like Brian's mouth went anywhere near this guy's ten-inch anything. Lindsay's not a big fan of the cooler. Neither is Brian, "but once the fags see this label, they'll want to lap him up." Lindsay asks whether he knows who the owner is, and reminds Brian once again that Poole's, uh, anti-gay people. Brian shrugs, "What he does with his money is his own business." Lindsay's shocked: "Except when it hurts us. Then it's our business!" Brian points to the bottle and says that is his business.

Debbie stops by the booth and asks if they're ready for the "homo high holidays." Most of them say they are. Emmett asks how P-FLAG's P-Reparations are going. Debbie beams that this year, they have the biggest group yet! Emmett congratulates her. In a voice he usually reserves for Gus, Brian fake-pouts, "Now if only your widdle pride and joy would march with you...." No one can give you shit like your best friend, for sure. Mike tells Brian to shut up. Trying not to burst into tears, Debbie mutters, "Nothing would make me prouder. But I'm not a manipulative...guilt-slinging kind of mother." Really? When? Her chin quivers as she insists, "Michael can do what he wants." Pulling out her notepad, she quietly sniffles, "So what do you want, little asshole?" Mike rolls his eyes. The table looks at him expectantly. Mike sighs, "I'll have the march in the parade, hold the tears." Debbie asks if he's serious, and proclaims to the house that Mike is going to march with her. The diner bursts into applause.

Melanie's office. Lindsay's dropped by with lunch, but it looks like they're more interested in devouring each other. As the two kiss on Melanie's desk, Lindsay asks how much time they've got. Mel reaches across the desk, pulls up a thick sheaf of papers, and sighs, "Just enough time for this." Linday groans. They really have to sign all of these? Melanie counts them off: "We have durable powers of attorney. Living will. Joint tenancy agreement. Reciprocal guardianship for Gus." Lindsay says that it would be easier just to sign a marriage license. I take it that this is what they have to go through in order to have the same kind of standing that any married couple would have. Melanie's like, this is what you wanted, right? Lindsay grins. Yup, it sure is. They've started up with the kissing again when Melanie's assistant bursts into the office. Is there some sort of city ordinance that forbids giving some kind of notice before you come by? At your boss's office, no less. Melanie -- remarkable under pleasure once again -- asks whether Gus is taking his nap. Not sure where that came from, but it gives Assistant Guy the opportunity to retort, "No, but I could sure use one." Melanie thought she cancelled her two o'clock appointment. Assistant Guy says, uh, it's not your two o'clock, besides which, you try telling that to.... On cue, a leathered-up, long-haired vixen of a biker mama marches past him, tossing her helmet into his solar plexus. "Out of the way, chicken legs! Where is that sexy beast?" Leather Mama and Melanie shriek. Melanie jumps into Leather Mama's arms. Lindsay cautiously surveys the scene. Leather Mama laughs at Assistant Guy, "Didn't I tell you she'd practically shit?" Assistant Guy rolls his eyes, yes, yes you told me, yawn. Melanie gasps, what the hell is Leather Mama doing here? All together now with Leather Mama: "That's what everyone says when you're in Pittsburgh!" Melanie says that Leather Mama hasn't changed a bit! Leather Mama agrees, "Why tamper with perfection, baby?" She and Mel laugh and laugh. Lindsay's looking a bit anxious. Melanie finally introduces Lindsay. Leather Mama figured that's who she probably was. Lindsay figured she was Leda, too. Yeah, I thought her name was Nita, but the closed caption says Leda, so let's go with that. Leda lands a big old smackeroo right on Mel's kisser. Boundaries, anyone? No? Hmm. Melanie tries to laugh it off. Lindsay's not looking any happier.

Brian's office. He and Cynthia (Hi, Cynthia!) are meeting with a Mr. Clayton Poole, a middle-aged guy hawking "Poolside Coolers," multi-colored bottled fruit drinks. He says that the response hasn't been as good as his company expected. Brian smirks, "Unless you hoped for less than 1% of the market." Poole chuckles, "We need to change our image. When women think 'poolside,' they should think 'cool,' 'hip,' 'trendy.'" Well, for one thing, the label is totally unattractive. Even Bartles and Jaymes has a little bit of zip to it. Poole says he's looking for someone to add "spunk" to their ad campaign. Cynthia assures him, "Well, if you're looking for spunk, Mr. Poole, then you've definitely come to the right man." Hee. I love Cynthia. She's no Daphne, but she'll do in a pinch. Poole is going to cough up a $50,000 bonus if the market share is doubled. So, if they give him a proposal, he'll certainly consider it. Brian snorts, "Maybe you should consider this, Mr. Poole: Your stock took a nose-dive last quarter, and you have a shareholders' meeting in three days." Three days? Well, he certainly took his time looking for a solution, didn't he? Brian continues, "Unless you come up with something fast, your little family business will be bought out from under you at ten cents on the dollar." Harsh. Poole remarks that Brian's very blunt. Brian replies that Poole's out of time: "If you want me, hire me."

After the meeting, Cynthia says she's impressed with Brian's delivery: "Too bad you're wasting it on such an asshole." Brian isn't sure what she's talking about. Cynthia explains that Poole is a virulent homophobe (sur-priiiise!) who puts his money where his mouth is. Brian's like, oh, yeah, that, snorting, "He's always donating his money to worthy causes like 'Castrate Homosexuals Now,' 'Launch Lesbians into Space,' 'Stop AIDS with Guns.' Well, now he can donate some of his money to me. Fifty grand!" Cynthia wants to know what the "big concept" is. Brian shrugs, "Fuck if I know."

The Happy Fun Porch. Leda and Mel are regaling St. L. with tales from the bad old days, as they all share a bottle of wine. Actually, scratch that: Lindsay's not drinking. Melanie's changed into a black tank top and jeans, to match Leda's blank tank top and leather pants. That can't be good. Okay, so one time? Leda and Melanie were riding their motorcycles on Pacific Coast Highway, near Big Sur? And a cop pulled them over. Lindsay asks why. Why, Lindsay? Because they were speeding. Topless. Lindsay cracks me up when she faintly smiles, "Did they give you a ticket?" Leda snickers that the cop was actually going to arrest them because "he was afraid someone would see [them] and drive off the side of the cliff." Melanie says that Leda started flirting with the officer. Leda says, no, Melanie started flirting with him first! Giggle! Anyway. Melanie, grasping Leda's hand, continues, "Long story short, we're behind a rock, he's got his pants down --" Leda slides her arms around Mel and ends, "--and this little vixen grabs his boots and we tear the fuck out of there!" She and Melanie chortle into each other's necks. Okay. Well. At least Melanie's still friends with her ex. That says...something. Lindsay unadvisedly offers them more wine. St. L.'s such a good sport. On the outside. Lindsay asks Leda how long she'll be in town. Not too long, she secretly hopes. Leda grins, "Until they kick me out. Or until my art exhibit opens, whichever comes first." Melanie pipes up that Lindsay is an artist, too. Lindsay grits, "Art. Teacher." Inferiority complexes are fu-un. Leda snarks, "And here I was thinking we had nothing in common." Grr. Lay off Lindsay, there. Leda adds that it's great that they're together, raising Gus: "But to go from zooming down the highway to zero in the slow lane...what's , are you going to get married?" Lindsay shrugs, uh, actually, they are, heh heh. Leda stares at Melanie in surprise: "No shit? Girl, you really have gone respectable." Melanie takes a swig of her wine. Lindsay takes a swig of her Perrier.

Big Q-Mart. Mike's directing a truck as it backs up onto the loading dock. Tracy ambles up, with Olive Oyl's haircut. Who'd she have to piss off to warrant that? Tracy asks Mike about his "big" plans for the weekend. Mike, perhaps distracted by her new hairstyle, isn't sure what she's talking about. Hello? PrideFest? Tracy asks if he's going. Mike grouses that he's marching with his mom, as a matter of fact. Tracy notices his non-excitement. Mike confirms his non-excitement, because he's afraid that he'll be seen by some of the other Q-Martyrs. Tracy understands, especially since a group from the store is going to the parade. Mike's so flummoxed by this news that he takes his attention off the truck. And the truck smashes into the loading dock, just as Andrew walks out. Andrew shakes his head: "It's going to cost you, Novotny!" Shut up, Andrew. The two guys in the truck get out and reassure Mike that it's nothing. One guy shrugs, "You've got more important things on your mind. You two got something going on, this weekend?" Tracy grins wider than a church door. Mike shoots her a look and says no, not really. Truck Guys invite the non-couple to accompany them to the "Pansy Parade." Seeing as heterosexual men are still homophobic and evil and all. Mike says that it's "not his scene." The other Truck Guy snaps, "Like it's ours?" Andrew snorts that they just want to "check out the freaks." The first Truck Guy says, "It's the best party in town." Both Truck Guys are surprised that Mike's never been.

The Happy Fun Garage. Leda and Melanie uncover Mel's long-neglected motorcycle, which I'm told is a British BSA. Leda ribs her about hiding it in the garage, but Melanie explains that she let the insurance expire, and just like a grown-up, decided she couldn't drive it anymore. Leda grins evilly and suggests that they ride with Dykes on Bikes at the parade. Melanie doesn't think she can. Leda's like, sure you can! She just needs to get a permit, "polish up the old bitch," and she's there. Lindsay walks in and informs Leda that she and Mel are supposed to march with the Marriage Initiative group. Leda says she understands, but you can tell she really doesn't: "You gotta do your thing. Still...it would be such a shame to keep such a beauty out of commission and under wraps." Melanie looks shyly over at Lindsay, who is completely stone-faced.

Babylon! Go-go dancers in neon-colored briefs wave large rainbow flags high in the hair. Ted's at his usual spot at the bar, trying to make conversation with men who ignore him. Brian's brought sample bottles of Poolside for the Boys to try. They're available in Papaya Sauvignon, Kiwi Chardonnay, and Melon Merlot. Yummy! "So wretched, you'll want to puke," Brian grimaces, after taking a swallow. "Not even a fucking piss-queen would want to swallow this shit." Naturally, Emmett comes up, takes a sip, and thinks it's delicious. Brian just shakes his head. Mike asks how Brian's going to get people to buy it. Brian says he'll think of something, and is suddenly fascinated by one of the go-go dancers. More so than usual, I mean. Mike shrugs and trots off.

Meanwhile, Ted -- waving a little rainbow flag like a dork -- is still getting shot down all over the place. He certainly hangs in there, doesn't he? Mike offers him a Poolside Cooler. Ted declines, pouting, "Any other night, I'd go home, log onto cumquick.com, and get it over with. But it's Pride, and I'd actually like to experience some of this sexual freedom we supposedly fought so hard for." Keep hope alive, baby. Mike notices that there's a guy staring at Ted from the balcony. A really cute guy. Ted doesn't believe it. But no, the guy is actually smiling at Ted. Ted pops a couple of peanuts in his mouth...and starts to choke. But unlike (as Molly Ivins likes to call him) The Only President We've Got, Ted does not fall to the floor and lose consciousness. Luckily, Mike is a master of the Heimlich maneuver, and Ted spits the masticated snack onto the floor. "Well, that's one way to leave a lasting impression," Emmett drawls. Brian snerks, "Word of advice: time you've got nuts in your mouth, suck, don't chew." Snicker. The cute guy walks up, wishes Ted a happy Pride, and asks how it's going. Ted pants, "Oh, you know. Enjoying the flow of air through my esophagus." Aren't we all. Cute Guy shrugs and says, "So, you wanna go?" Ted's incredulous. His friends are incredulous. Ted says sure, and makes a big deal about going off with the stud: "Gotta go! We're going! See ya!" Hee. Emmett's like, "Wow. Pride is a magical time." He asks Mike to dance. Mike agrees. Brian wisely stays at the bar, contemplating how he's going to sell the brightly colored sewage. He holds the bottle up so he can see a go-go dancer against it, and then through it. He looks at the bottle some more, thinking Deep Advertising Thoughts. Emmett and Mike boogie boogie boogie, until they're interrupted by Vic. What's Vic doing there? Emmett explains, "Even older gay men can celebrate Pride, right?" Vic agrees. Emmett cautions him to take it slow, though. Ha! That's not why Vic's there, though; Godiva just died at the hospice. Emmett's in shock. He was just there a few hours ago to drop off her dress. Vic nods, "Sometimes it happens very quickly. That can be a blessing." Emmett quickly leaves the dance floor.

Ted's. He and the cute guy -- who I will just call "Dick" -- are having graphic, pounding, recapper-embarrassing sex. You'd think after twenty-six episodes, I'd be used to this, but I'm not so much, really. Ted's having a good time, though. And just in case anyone was wondering where I stood on the issue of Scott Lowell's hairy chest? I'm all about it. When they're done, Ted gasps that it was amazing. Dick unenthusiastically agrees. Ohhh, boy. Dick quickly puts on his clothes. Ted asks if he wants something to eat. Dick doesn't even look at Ted when he declines. Ted asks if he's going to the parade. Dick says he'll be there. Ted gives Dick his card, and the Dick leaves. Ted finds the little rainbow flag under his pillow, sticks it straight up, and salutes. Poor bastard.

Godiva's old room. Justin is helping Emmett pack up. Emmett tells Justin that Godiva was looking forward to Pride: "She said, 'Honey, if I have to wheel myself out on a board like Porgy and Bess, I'm going.'" Emmett puts away the wigs and the dresses, sighing, "She wanted her hair to be the biggest. Her gown to be the glitteriest. So everyone would know that nothing -- not even AIDS -- could keep her down." Emmett says it won't be the same without her. Justin suggests that Emmett could, um, you know, wear Godiva's outfit. Emmett snorts, "Honey, I couldn't fill her bra, much less her shoes." Emmett asks if Justin can give him some time alone. Justin leaves the room and walks down the hospice stairs. He rounds the corner and oh my god, it's Chris Hobbes, sweeping the floor. Justin flashes back to the bat hitting his head like a fresh melon, and I swear if they show that clip any more, I'm going to develop PTSD. Justin asks Chris what he's doing there. Chris snarls, "Time of my life. Having a blast. My five hundred hours of community service, what the fuck do you think?" Justin's about to run away screaming. Chris asks what Justin's doing there: "Got AIDS?" Justin trembles, "No." Chris says Justin will, sooner or later: "All you fags end up here." Well, then I guess you're killing two birds with one stone, aren't you, asshole? Chris feints at Justin. Justin flinches.

The Happy Fun Garage. Melanie's finished polishing her motorcycle. She jumps on and starts 'er engine, inadvertently blowing a plume of exhaust behind her, and into Lindsay's face. Melanie's delighted. She asks Lindsay to hop on! Come on! Let's GOOOO! Lindsay's like, um, not. Melanie asks if maybe she wants to ride with her in the parade. Lindsay thought they were marching with the Marriage Initiative folks. Melanie shrugs, "Do we always have to be so fucking correct? Can't we have a little fun for a change?" Lindsay snorts, "With Leda?" Melanie shrugs, well, Leda is fun. Seriously, Mel, was your law school located under a bridge? Lindsay snaps that Leda is also Melanie's ex-girlfriend, hello? Lindsay whines, "You should be thinking about us!" Mel pouts, "When don't I? Does it always have to Mel and Linds?" Dirt. Dumb. Lindsay pouts, "We are Mel and Linds. I happen to like that. And I thought you did, too!" Melanie rolls her eyes. Lindsay's not going to try and make her feel guilty, is she? I'm not exactly sure it was necessary for Mel to be this oblivious for this scene to work. Has the Sapphic Slut been forgotten so quickly? Lindsay snaps, "Go on. Go ride your bitch with the girls!" Melanie's all, okaay, and eagerly puts on her helmet like it's her birthday. Lindsay apprehensively watches her ride away.

Woody's. Brian, Mike, and Ted stand in front of a display for "Pool Boy." The tagline over the HDGB's head reads, "Suck on Me Tonight." Subtle. Men are coming up and grabbing bottles, though. Brian congratulates himself on his master marketing skills. Mike snerks, "Yeah, and all you had to do was put a guy in a swimsuit on the label." Selling sex in advertising? GASP! Ted sneers, "Don't these guys have any taste?" Brian snorts, "After where their tongues have been? Never fear, they also have no memory or brand loyalty. In a couple of months, Pool Boy will be forgotten like a bad fuck. But by then I'll have paid off my loft." Ted sees Dick across the room with a group of his friends. Brian asks how the sex was. Ted grins, "Massive. I'm still bow-legged." Brian drawls, "Theodore Schmidt, you sex pig. I didn't know you had it in you." Ted picks up on the obvious pun, but I won't subject you to that. Mike asks if he and Dick are going to see each other again. Ted says they talked about it. Brian suggests that Ted take over a Pool Boy cooler to get things started again. Ted snorts, "I want to date him, not poison him." He might change his mind about that later.

Emmett and Vic walk into Woody's. Emmett sniffles, "Look at them. Partying. Don't they know Godiva's dead?" Vic asks, "Why should these pups give a shit about some old queen who died of AIDS?" On Emmett's shocked look, Vic shrugs, "I'm allowed to say that. I'm an old queen. Who has AIDS." Emmett's like, don't you get upset? Vic says he thinks about it every day: "Now come have a cocktail. And for once I don't mean a handful of pills."

Ted makes his way across the bar to Dick. Ted's all, hey, how's it going? Dick doesn't even remember Ted's name, and furthermore, doesn't really seem to care. He tries to turn back to his friends, but Ted taps him on the shoulder and mentions that he had a great time the night before. He asks the Dick if he still wants to go to the parade together. Dick's all, huh? Ted's like, yeah, you know, we could do a champagne brunch beforehand, and uh, you know, uh. Dick snorts, "Look, buddy? I was just doing my good deed for the year." Ouch. Ted doesn't get it, so the Dick has to explain, "It's kind of like a tradition, for Pride? I go out, find some guy -- like you -- I give him a break. I give him me. The fuck of his life. Something he can remember. Like a souvenir. It's my way of giving back to the community." I guess we all now know where Old Brian went. Well, except Brian would never fuck anyone who looked like Ted. I'm just saying. Ted, on the other hand, is just...crushed. Dick grins, "Hey, this year you're the lucky recipient." Oh, eww. Get over yourself.

Brian's. Mike escorts a drunken Brian into the loft as he rants about Pool Boy. How all the HDGBs slurped it up. And the best part? The owner is an evil homophobe. Did you know that? It's hard to see what's etched on the side of a hammer when it's hurtling towards your head. Mike, too, is shocked that Brian would work for someone like that. Brian says that it's "for the pure poetic irony. Cool, huh? Or should I say, 'cooler.'" He stops when Justin creeps out of the shadows and quivers, "I saw him. Chris Hobbes." Brian thinks Justin had a bad dream. Justin says that he saw Chris at the hospice, working off his community service. Talk about poetic irony. Brian asks if Chris said anything. Justin quakes, "He said he hopes I get AIDS and die." Brian gives Justin a big hug and tells him to forget about it. Yeah, good luck with that. He tells Justin that he should get some sleep, 'cause tomorrow's going to be a big day. It's PrideFest, you know. Justin says he's not going. Brian's like, you can't miss your first Pride! Justin snaps, "What am I supposed to be proud of? That I got bashed and didn't die?" Behind Brian, Mike mutters, "If he doesn't want to go, don't make him." Brian snarls at him to stay out of it. Mike nods, "Sure, although you have to admire the pure, poetic irony of seeing someone like you encourage him to go to Pride when --" and he picks up the cooler -- "this is what you're proud of." Brian throws it back at Mike: "And what are you proud of, that you're piss-in-your-pants afraid to march with your own goddamn mother?" "Fuck you!" Mike screams, and storms out. Justin wanders off to the darkest corner he can find to whimper in.

Lindsay and Gus in front of the Happy Fun House. Lindsay's decked out in suburban glory, wearing denim shorts and a white t-shirt, with a tan cap pulled over her hair. Gus is wearing rainbow knit pants and a rainbow knit cap, and his stroller is festooned with balloons. Cu-ute! Lindsay coos over him, "Look at you, my rainbow baby. Are you ready to go to the parade and see all the people?" Gus pays her no attention whatsoever. I love baby actors. Then Leda pulls up on her Hog. She walks up and grins, "Nice day for a parade, huh?" She grins even wider when she sees Gus, and she coos at him, too. Lindsay tells her that Melanie's already gone for a practice run on her motorcycle, so she's not here, and they're leaving, so.... Leda calls after her, "Look, I'm sorry if things got fucked up, but I didn't force her." Lindsay sniffs that Leda didn't stop her, either: "That bike was practically forgotten until you had to remind her." And this makes it Leda's fault? Leda rolls her eyes: "Something tells me that it was in her thoughts long before I blew into town." Lindsay wants to know why she would think that. Leda's like, why don't you tell me? Lindsay pouts, "Perhaps because riding a motorcycle beats the shit out of cleaning up baby puke and nursing earaches." Leda laughs, "Of course it does! But that's not why you're together -- for a few cheap thrills." Lindsay sighs that she hasn't seen Melanie that excited in a long time, though. Leda smiles, "She just needed to feel all that horsepower roaring between her legs one more time. Then it's back to the garage for another six years." Lindsay's not so sure. Leda tells her to try it sometime. Who knew Leda was even cooler than she looks?

Mike and Emmett's. Emmett, Mike, and Ted watch on television as drag queens and other queer folk fill the streets of Liberty Avenue. The Boys are passing the time playing Scrabble. Ted spells "Cockatoo" C-O-C-A-T-W-O. Mike's like, isn't that spelled wrong? Ted demurs, "Not if you're having more than one." Hee. Emmett can barely look at the screen, and asks if they can turn it off. Ted tells him just not to watch. Emmett's like, fine. Ted and Mike can't stop watching, though, and finally Emmett turns off the television himself. He looks over at Godiva's dress, which is hanging on the door. Mike thinks Emmett should go to Pride for a little while; it might make him feel better. Emmett can't stand it without Godiva. But they can go, if they want. Mike says he's not going. Ted thinks he should go, if only to make Debbie happy. Mike's like, now, how can I do that? Emmett exhorts him to be brave! Godiva did it. Mike reminds him that Godiva was a drag queen. Emmett points out that Godiva also used to say, "It takes more courage to wear a dress for an hour than it does to wear a suit for a lifetime." Mike pouts that he's obviously not as brave as Godiva was. No shit. Suddenly, Emmett has a brillant idea! "There is one way you could go to the parade and no one will know." Mike's like, no way, man. Ted thinks this is great, intoning, "We can rebuild him. We have the technology." Emmett holds Godiva's dress up to Mike, as Ted holds him down. Mike screams.

Woody's. Poole walks in the door and is shocked at all the gayness. He finds Brian in front of the "Pool Boy" sign. Poole stammers, "What is this place?" It's a gay bar, you tool! Sheesh. Poole wants to know why Brian wanted to meet him there. Brian grins, "I want to introduce you to the hottest new drink on the market: 'Pool Boy.'" Brian explains that after he gave Poolside Coolers a new name and changed the look, he can't keep the stuff in stock. Poole is outraged. Brian points out that he's saving Poole's ass. Poole snaps, "I don't want my ass saved by these people!" Brian's like, yeah, you do: "In fact, you should have been marketing to them in the first place -- their money's as green as the ." Poole growls, "Well, they can keep their money." Brian snorts, "Tell that to your shareholders on Monday -- that you turned your back on a consumer market with an annual disposable income of hundreds of billions of dollars." Around them, men are drinking it up. Brian says he's willing to help Poole reach that market, in exchange for a big contribution, to something like, I don't know, The Gay Marriage Initiative? He opens up a bottle of Papaya Sauvignon and hands it to Poole. Poole looks around surreptitiously, then swigs it down.

The PrideFest Parade! HDGBs! Drag queens! Rainbow flags, banners, posters, of every shape and size! Justin and Brian watch from the sidelines. Randy Harrison has perfected the art of looking nervous in public places. Justin grumps that he didn't want to be there in the first place. Brian replies, "Well, you're here. And you're queer. So..." Justin grouses, "It's just a big freak show!" Brian snorts, "Oh, did you think you were going to find pride at the parade?" Justin stamps his foot and wonders what the hell they're doing there, then? Brian sighs, "I'm just making sure Chris Hobbes doesn't win." Justin looks slightly less uncomfortable. Brian orders him to go march with Jennifer.

After Justin takes off, Brian sees Ted walking by and calls him over. Where's Dick? Ted says he couldn't make it. Brian nods, "Ohh, I thought he didn't want to be seen with this year's pity fuck." Ted's like, how did you know? Brian knows Dick. Dick was what Brian was doing when he was supposed to be at Gus's bris. Ted thanks Brian for the warning, not! Brian snorts, "Act like a pussy, get treated like a pussy." Ted shrieks that he's not a pussy! Brian mocks Ted by waving an invisible flag and muttering, "Happy Pride, how's it going?" Ted scowls. Brian gives him a suggestion: "time, try this: 'I'm going to rip your fucking clothes off, and make you sit on my nine-inch dick.'" Ted says he doesn't have a nine-inch dick. Well, duh, Ted. As Brian puts it, "If you're good, he won't care." Brian dares him to try it. Ted wanders off, muttering the line over and over. Brian spots some random dude and drawls, "Hello, sweetheart." Lindsay walks up, holding Gus, and grins, "Hear that, Gus? Daddy called you 'sweetheart.'" St. L.'s changed into a yellow halter top, yellow leather pants, and yellow sunglasses. She hands the baby to Brian. Brian's impressed by the get-up and says, "Whoa, Mama." Lindsay snaps, "Well, Mama needs a few hours off. To be with her Mama." She spots the Dykes on Bikes group tooling down the road. She walks up to Melanie, who's wearing a tank top that says "Mutha" on it. I want one of those. Where do you get one of those? Melanie sees her fiancée and whistles, "Whoa, baby!" Lindsay asks if they can ride together. Melanie slaps her on the ass and growls, "Honey, I love it when we ride together." Lindsay grabs the extra helmet conveniently located on the back of Mel's bike, and hops on. Leda's grinning to beat the band. And she's a marriage counselor, too. Wow. Melanie asks where Gus is, and Lindsay points to Brian, who screams, "You owe me for this!" Snicker. Mel and L kiss, and Leda gives the signal to "rev 'em up!" Brian's finding it hard to make time with anyone while he's holding a squalling baby, especially with Ted delightfully pointing Gus out to anyone passing by.

P-FLAG group. Debbie's wearing a shoulder-length pink wig that makes her look like one of Rainbow Brite's little friends. Behind her, Justin and Jennifer march together. Jennifer says that she didn't realize that there were so many. Justin's like, what, queers? Jennifer meant so many people. Jennifer squeezes her son's hand and tells him that she's proud of him. Justin grins, "I'm proud of you, too, Mom." Aww!

A drag queen -- dressed in Godiva's dress, a gold stole, and a blonde wig -- walks up in step with Debbie. Debbie lets her know that she's probably with the wrong group. Then Debbie gets a good look. It's Michael! And I, personally, thought Hal Sparks was unrecognizable. And gorgeous. And tall. What are those, five-inch heels? Vic and Emmett cheer from the sidelines. Debbie is ecstatic. She tries to hug Mike, but he cautions her about his makeup. Hee! He sees the Q-Martyers across the street, and tells Debbie that he'll be right back. The Truck Guys, Tracy, and Andrew try not to laugh when the beautiful she-male walks up to them. Mike drawls, "Hiya, boys!" Tracy recognizes him, I think. Mike asks, "So which one of you is a real man?" The Truck Guys, who seem a little overexcited -- but they've got to realize that Mike couldn't be a real woman, right? -- proclaim that they all are. Andrew skeptically asks, "What about you?" Mike grins, "You tell me." And lays a big kiss on Andrew. The Truck Guys and Tracy just laugh and laugh. Andrew's in shock. Mike winks and says, "See you, lover boy."

Later, at Woody's, Ted repeats Brian's line to himself like a mantra. Emmett overhears him, and is like, what?! Ted explains. Mike laughs, "That'll get you into trouble, for sure." Ted hopes so. Ted keep repeating it, until another blond cutie stops and is all, excuse me?! Mike and Emmett turn away. Ted's all, ah, um, er, nothing. Blondie wishes him a happy Pride, anyway, and asks how he's doing. Ted grins, "I was going to ask you the same thing." Ted asks if he can buy the cutie a drink. Blondie says sure. Happy endings are cool.

A group of men wearing rainbow leis and tight black short shorts salute each other and down multiple shots. Brian rolls his eyes: "I'll be glad when Pride's over and we can all go back to being ashamed." Justin snorts that Brian's just grumpy that no one hit on him because he was holding Gus. Brian replies that he got hit on plenty: "Unfortunately, they all happened to be lesbians who wanted my sperm." Justin says that now is his chance, and points out a couple that's all about giving Brian The Look. Justin kisses Brian on the shoulder and starts to head out. Brian asks where he's going. Justin replies, "I'm leaving you to your wicked ways. Go find a stud, ask him to dance." Brian thinks about it, throwing another glance at the Dynamic Duo.

Outside Woody's. People dance in the streets as ABBA plays on a loudspeaker somewhere. Justin wanders through them until suddenly, he hears Brian's voice behind him call, "Hey, Stud!" Justin turns and Brian asks, "Wanna dance?" Aww, Brian decided he'd rather hang out with Justin than bore us to death with random sex acts. He's just the sweetest thing, these days. Justin can't quite believe it, and Brian adds, "I promise you won't forget this one." Fuzzies! They slow dance and kiss as the camera turns 'round and 'round them. On the steps, there's a fierce, black (I don't think they come another way, actually) drag queen. Ted is dancing with his cutie. Mike ambles up, and Brian drags him over to dance with him and Justin. Then the music changes to something faster, and Liberty Avenue boogies down into the credits.

week: Ted can't stop jerking off, so Mike and Emmett stage an "intervention." Later, Ted decides to start his own porno website. Justin's having trouble in art class, and ends up quitting school. No one else is particularly happy with that choice.