Okay. Cider's on the coffee table. Coffee's brewing in the kitchen. Soapbox is in front of the television. Y'all ready? Let's roll.
Previously: Justin had no memory of the attack, Chris Hobbes got a slap on the wrist for bashing Justin's head in with a baseball bat; Mike confessed to Ted and Emmett that he and The Evil One broke up; Lindsay asked Melanie to marry her, and Jennifer told Brian not to see Justin again. Seriously -- is she kidding me with this?
Hot! Dancing! Gay! Boys! Ageless. Timeless. Faceless. Mostly Naked.
Justin dashes across the street to Brian's loft. He hops up the stairs and knocks on the door, calling Brian's name. The door opens, but Chris Hobbes is on the other side. Before Justin can react, Hobbes grabs him and pulls him into the loft. Justin screams...and wakes up in his own bed. Jennifer runs in, reassuring him that's it just a dream. She touches his shoulder and Justin shoves her off, yelling at her to not touch him.
Babylon! The go-go dancers? Wearing black leather chaps and nothing else. Everyone else? Shirtless, doing the electric slide. Or whatever it's called these days. The Boys, minus Michael, survey the action from the stairs. Emmett stares at a go-go dancer and groans, "God, I want his ass." Ted: "Who doesn't?" Emmett clarifies that he actually wants an ass like that, because his is "looking a little peaked." Brian snarks, "Yeah, well, maybe it needs a rest." Look who's talking. Oh, except Brian's a big, brutal top, right? I don't care. Shut up anyway. Emmett thinks he needs a butt lift. Peter Paige needs better storylines. Ted, barely paying attention -- and really, who could blame him? -- says that Emmett's too young for plastic surgery. Emmett sighs, "This life can wear you out by the time you're thirty. Right, Brian?" Burn! About time someone scored one off Brian. And that won't even be the last time this episode, either. Emmett blabbers something about striving for perfection or whatever, but Ted reminds him that it's very expensive surgery. Emmett asks whether Ted's had work done, and Brian snorts, "Because if you had, I'd sue." Of course Ted hasn't had plastic surgery; he's an accountant, remember? "Butt work costs big bucks," Ted tells Emmett, who, as we all know, is broke. Brian lames, "Well, maybe you can trade in that old tired ass for a new one." Too bad CowLip won't do that with the intern that writes your lines. .
Mike trots up and announces that he just got "the most amazing fucking blowjob." He shoves a vial up his nose and asks The Boys if they want a "bump." I have no idea what that is, and I'm perfectly fine with that. Someone on the boards will eagerly explain it later, I'm sure. Ted and Emmett decline. Mike's all, what's up with you? T&E are bored already, bored, bored, bored, plus they both have to work in the morning. Mike's all, c'mon, guys! It's early! Par-tay! Woohoo! They're like, yeah. Later. Mike's pretty sure Brian wants to stay and party, right? Brian snorts, "You've been partying ever since you got back." Could this excessive behavior be a clue to some deeper-seated issue? Is it possible that QAF is using the same plot device two episodes in a row? Instead of calling Brian on his hypocrisy, Mike replies that he's single: "I can stay up all night and fuck my brains out, like you." Brian snickers at the very idea. Mike asks Brian to dance. Brian says he doesn't want to. Mike pouts, "You always like dancing with Justin." Ah, Jealousy rears its ugly little head. Brian can't believe Mike just said that, and he gets up and walks away without saying another word.
The morning, Ted, Emmett, and Mike sit at the counter at the Liberty Diner. Wait, they all live close enough to get breakfast there before they go to work? They all get up early enough to get breakfast there before they go to work? Really? Emmett, in particular, does not strike me as an early riser. Mike looks like hell, by the way. Debbie frowns, "Well, that's what you get for sucking and fucking until all hours, huh? On a school night." Mike groans that he's not in school. Debbie snaps that maybe he should be: "You've got a lot of learning to do." Now, there's a storyline for you. Think of all the naked gay boys Mike could meet on campus. No? Probably not, huh? At any rate, Mike wants to order; Mike does not want a lecture. Debbie says he's getting the lecture anyway: "And on an empty stomach, so maybe you'll digest it. Get over [the Demon]. Get a job. Get on with your life." She seems to have gotten over the breakup fairly well, given her hearty encouragement of the whole thing. Emmett later agrees that Mike needs to get a job. Sense of self-worth aside, Emmett needs his half of the rent. Mike doesn't know where to start. Ted says he could always go back to the Big Q. Emmett scoffs that Mike doesn't want to go back to the Big Q: "He needs to try something new, something daring. Something fabulous." Ted snaps, "Fuck fabulous. He needs something steady, something practical. Something secure." Emmett sneers, "Like being an accountant?" Ted says Mike should be so lucky: "I go to sleep every night knowing that thirty-one years from now, when I retire from Wertshafter and Company, I can move down to Boca and live like a king." Emmett drawls, "Or queen." Debbie comes back and quips, "So, what would you like on your toast, Your Majesty? Strawberry jam or caviar?" Sigh.
The Happy Fun Backyard. As the unbelievably adorable Gus watches from his stroller, his mom and dad struggle to build him a swing set. Brian's about ready to give up. Lindsay wishes that Melanie were there: "She's a whiz with the hardware." Yes. I'm sure. Brian thinks they should hire someone to do it, but Lindsay's like, no way: "It's your duty as a father to build your son's first swing set. Now get cracking -- I want it ready in time for his first birthday." Gus gazes at them with vague interest. Brian snerks, "I know -- it seems like only yesterday I was jacking off into that cup." Lindsay laughs, "And you and Michael and Justin were tearing into the room. You couldn't believe you had a son." Brian mutters, "Two sons." Lindsay lets the unfortunate and ill-considered metaphor pass, and asks why Brian doesn't just call Jennifer. Brian replies that Jennifer doesn't want him to see Justin again. Lindsay's like, well, if you talked to her...but Brian says that it's better this way. Brian and Lindsay continue to struggle with the swing, until Brian groans, "Maybe I'll have it built in time for your wedding." Lindsay frowns that Mel turned her down. Brian finds this hysterically funny; after Lindsay curses him out, he asks why Mel said no. Lindsay sighs, "Well, for reasons you would appreciate. 'I don't think a meaningless heterosexual ritual would prove our love, and it wouldn't be legal anyway.'" Brian says that's hard to argue with. Lindsay snaps, "I was on the debate team. I can argue anything." Okey dokey, so why didn't you ? And I'm still confused; I rewound the tape, and St. L.'s wearing a gold band on her left ring finger. No commitment ceremony tied to that or anything? Just passing by Tiffany's one day, saw it in the window, and thought it was pretty? Anyway. Brian agrees with Mel on this one: "Fuck weddings. Fuck rituals. And fuck this swing set!" Lindsay giggles.
At The Big Q, Tracy gives Mike a big hug, so I guess things didn't work at the Dollar Mart, or wherever. Tracy asks why he came back. Mike says that he and the Demon hath gone their separate ways. Tracy's real sorry. I'm not. Andrew, Mike's old nemesis, appears. Tracy tells Andrew that Mike moved back to Pittsburgh. Andrew sneers, "No kidding. I must have missed it on the news." He then orders Tracy to get back to work. Andrew's all, so things didn't work out, huh? Mike goes into full-length ass kissing: "I wouldn't say that. Sometimes you've got to try new things. Discover what's right for you. Find out where you really belong. And I discovered what's right for me is being here." Andrew, arms folded, isn't really buying it. Mike says that he was hoping to get his old job back. Andrew snickers like, yeah, keep hoping, I've got your old job! Mwa ha ha! Mike nods, oh, well, let me know if you hear of anything else, wouldja? Andrew nods, and then the light bulb blinks on: "Well, we do have a position for which I think you would be ideally suited. Assistant Manager." Directly under Andrew. Run!
Debbie's kitchen. Jennifer tells Debbie and Vic that Justin's still doing pretty badly. He's having nightmares. He won't let anyone touch him. He's having nightmares about people touching him. His doctors say it's a normal reaction to the attack, but Jennifer's finding it difficult to see her son in so much pain. Vic offers her some coconut cake, which he made as a warm-up for Gus's birthday party. Turns out Vic used to be a pastry chef: "Black bottoms were my specialty." Yes. He actually said that. I have finger imprints imbedded in a cider bottle to prove it. Jennifer tries the cake, and says it's delicious. Vic grins, "We faggots are a talented bunch." Debbie adds, "And indestructible, too. If AIDS, crackpot Christians, and fucking Republicans can't destroy you, then nothing can! " Where were the Violins of Minority Perseverance for that speech? I could have lent mine if someone had asked. Vic adds that Justin will make it, too. Jennifer smiles hopefully, and excuses herself to go pick up some girl named Molly from her play date. Molly, Molly. Where have I heard that name before? Debbie walks Jennifer to the door and says, "You know, Jennifer, they say that a boy's best friend, especially a gay boy, is his mother. But maybe he needs someone else. Someone who can get close to him. Or maybe, someone who he wants to get close to." Huh. Like who? She doesn't say. I guess we'll never know. Jaysus. Jennifer snaps that she just can't, not after what happened! Besides, she can take care of Justin herself! Darn it! And how can she lay this all on Brian's shoulders? Justin was having problems with Hobbes way before the prom. Where's her anger at the boy who bashed her son's brains out? And news flash: Justin's always going to be gay. And there's always going to be some asshole who's going to be pissed off about it. Jennifer honestly thinks that Justin's going to be safe as long as he stays away from Brian? Hello? If you try to shove Justin back in the closet, then the terrorists win, Jennifer.
Justin stands across the street from Brian's apartment, just like in his dream. He crosses the street and runs up the stairs. He knocks on the door, calling Brian's name a couple of times. Brian opens the door, looking blasé and determined at the same time. Justin's relieved that it was Brian who answered the door. Brian asks who else it would be, but Justin shakes it off and tries to walk past Brian into the loft. Brian asks him where he's going. Justin's all, I'm going inside the loft! Brian replies, "Did I say you could?" Justin laughs, "Don't give me any shit, all right? I nearly freaked out five times getting here." Brian orders Justin to go home. Justin's confused. Brian's all, yeah, sorry, we can't hang. Justin's still confused, and asks if Brian has someone over. Brian snaps that it's none of Justin's business, so beat it, kid. Brian heart's not in it, but he closes the door in Justin's face, anyway.
Wertshafter and Co. The camera pans past men in cubicles, each looking at straight porn on their computer. The camera stops on Ted. Ted's looking at gay porn, featuring a guy nicknamed "The Chunnel," who's sticking a huge black dildo where the sun don't shine. Ted's also on the phone with Emmett, busy dressing a mannequin at Torso. Emmett's like, you're on misterfister.net again ["Oh dear; there is a site with a URL very close to that one, and it sure isn't a porn site. This is why writers should do a little research to make sure their jokes don't backfire on some poor dude with a personal website." -- Wing Chun]; Ted says he's on his coffee break. Emmett tells Ted he's always on a coffee break. Emmett looks at his own butt from time to time in the mirror, because he's still thinking about a butt-lift. Yay. Emmett asks when Ted gets the time to work. Ted says that he's actually supposed to be working on something else right now. Then Ted spills coffee all over his lap. Ted swears and stammers that he "has to get off." Emmett rolls his eyes, "Are you sure you didn't already?" Guess what happens ? Mr. Wertshafter himself peeks over the cubicle! And Ted has a wet lap! And porn on the computer! Porn with the sound turned up, because Ted isn't just pathetic, but an idiot as well! What are the odds?
Justin's room. Justin's throwing a big ole temper tantrum, along with everything else he can get his hands on. He's ripping his pictures off the wall, the sheets off the bed, books off the table. Jennifer and Molly come running in. Molly whines, "Why is Justin freaking out?" like this is fucking up her entire day. Jennifer orders Molly to go to her room, and tries to get Justin to calm down by grabbing his arm. Justin elbows her in the chest, and starts with the screaming. You told him not to see me anymore, blah, you had no right exclamation point yada how dare you, aneurysm, fury, etc. Jennifer tries to tell him that she did it for his own good. That never goes over well. Jennifer tries to touch him again, and Justin pushes her across the room and into a wall. Justin screams, "It's too late! My life is fucked. Chris Hobbes saw to that! He should have killed me!" Jennifer is horrified, which means it's time once again to indulge the overdramatic teenager, methinks.
Zee gym. Mike and Emmett work out as Ted rants about getting fired. He's the hardest worker there! Everyone else was watching porn (I guess he can see through cubicle walls), but he got fired because he was looking at gay porn! Not because he was looking at porn on company time, with company resources, and appeared to be jacking off as well. No, it's a vast heterosexual conspiracy against Ted. Ted threatens to file a discrimination suit against The Shaft. Then he worries over whether he'll be able to find another job. And Ted just goes on and on and on. Emmett, in order to move the plot along, pulls out the local gay newspaper. Maybe Ted can find something in the classifieds section. Ted is skeptical, to say the least. Emmett says that he was looking for something, too, you know. So that he can pay for his butt-lift. He finds an ad for a job that pays a hundred dollars an hour. Doesn't say what for, so Emmett pulls out his cell phone and calls. Mike muses over what type of job it could be: "Volunteer for hideous medical experiments?" Doesn't pay nearly as much. "Serve as a live target for the military?" Nah, they got people in Afghanistan now who are doing that for free. Hey. I'm just saying. There's a surplus. Emmett discovers, "It's one of the those domestic services -- you know, waiters, private parties, maids." Ted's pretty sure there has to be more to it than that. Mike says it's better money than he could make in a week at the Big Q. Mike asks if Ted's down for it. Ted reminds him he has an MBA from Wharton, for God's sakes: "I don't do windows." Mike didn't even finish community college, so he'll do anything. Emmett gleefully announces that the company has openings, then grabs his ass and gloats, "Well, boys. Things are looking up."
Brian's. The Trick du Nuit puts on his pants. Brian mopes on the bed, still naked. TDN looks at La Kinney for a second, then sits down to him and says: "Did you ever see Citizen Kane?" Brian mopes that he has. TDN continues, "All my life, all I've heard is how it's the greatest fucking movie ever made. So I finally rent it. The guy who plays the lead is fat. The story about some sled sucks. And it's in black and white." Moron. Brian drawls, "Maybe you were expecting too much." TDN snaps, "Like with you." I fell. Off the couch. LAUGHING. TDN continues, "All I ever heard is how Brian Kinney is the greatest fuck ever. If you ask me, you're both highly overrated." Snicker. Brian sighs, "Everybody's a critic." I'd be a little more concerned, if I were Brian. So much for the street rep, ya know? TDN follows Brian as he opens the door...and there's Jennifer, about ready to knock. Gasp! Brian's still naked. Jennifer is discombobulated. Brian acts like nothing's amiss. Jennifer flusters, "I came at the wrong time." With a look at TDN, Brian snaps, "You two have a lot in common." TDN stomps out. Brian lollygags across the room and grabs some pants. Jennifer follows him in and mumbles, "This place is very...glamorous." Brian replies that it "does the trick." Jennifer: "I'm sure." Jennifer tells him she's a realtor now, if he ever feels like selling. Brian cuts to the chase and says that Justin isn't there. Jennifer knows that, which is why she came over. She wants to ask a favor. Brian points out that he already did her a favor. Jennifer's like, uh, not the right one: "This one's for him. I want you to take him." Brian wonders what the hell she's talking about, while I start to get very, very afraid. Jennifer says that Justin won't let anyone near him, that he shows no emotion unless he's throwing a temper tantrum, and that he's having nightmares: "But that's not even the worst part. The worst part is standing there, helpless. Do you have any idea what that feels like?" Rather than explore that, Brian asks what she wants him to do. Jennifer actually says, "Touch him. Help him be touched." Brian asks straight out if she wants him to have sex with Justin. Jennifer sighs, "You're the one he trusts. If that's what it takes." Give me a fuckin' break. She's going to trust her son's emotional well-being to Liberty Street's Official Fuckwit? What, does her alimony not cover the cost of professional, experienced therapy? Brian reminds her that she didn't even want them to see each other. Jennifer says she still doesn't, but she thinks this is the only chance to get Justin back to normal. Unbelievable.
The Happy Fun House. Melanie puts together the swing set in the living room, Lindsay divides up party favors in the dining room, and Ted stands in the doorway between the two, ranting some more about being fired. Melanie, Lesbian Litigator, says there's really nothing he can do, because there's no law against discrimination against gays in the workplace. But shouldn't that be covered under other anti-discrimination laws? Ted totally deserved to get fired, but still. Ted says he has "half a mind" (he said it, I didn't) to march in and tell The Shaft what he thinks of him. Lindsay says that he should, if it'll make Ted feel better. Eeyore says he might. Maybe. But probably not. And stomps out. Lindsay shakes her head over his predicament. Melanie declares that "it's one more example of having no rights." Or no self-control, depending on who you ask. Lindsay nods, "Like getting married?" Melanie tries to laugh it off. Lindsay continues that after her sister's wedding, she went out into the garden and pictured what her and Mel's wedding would look like. A chuppah under the tree. Pink and white flowers everywhere. You know. Girly. Mel's listening. Then Lindsay sighs, but, you know, we've got a dozen kids coming for the party this weekend, and all this other stuff to do: "And [Mel's] right. The time for being romantic has past." Melanie stammers that she didn't mean that, so much! Lindsay grimaces, "It's a silly ritual for straight people. A bankrupt institution. We have to be practical now. So, I'm sorry for making it such a big deal. And I promise to never, never mention it again." Lindsay ends with a sweet, passive-aggressive smile, and leaves the room.
Le Jeep de La Kinney. Justin gloats in the passenger seat about getting to see Brian again. "We showed her," Justin says of his mom. No, actually, she just changed her mind. Brian was fully prepared to never. See. You. Again. Ahem. Brian tells him to shut up: "You sound like an immature brat." Justin replies that maybe he is an immature brat. As if there was any question. Brian threatens to throw Justin out of the car if he doesn't knock it off. Justin asks what his problem is. Brian reminds him that Jennifer was trying to do right by Justin: "You don't know how lucky you are to have a mother like that." Ass Jr. doesn't care: "Now I get to stay with you. Yee-haw!" But just until Justin gets better, Brian says. Justin shrugs that there's nothing wrong with him, except for his hand. The nightmares, the anxiety attacks? No problem. Justin asks why Brian's doing this. Brian gets cute by pulling his hands off the steering wheel and grinning, "What, driving with no hands?" He then asks why it matters, since it's what Justin wants. Justin frowns and then says he knows why: "It's because you love me madly, passionately, deeply. Just like I always suspected." Yawn. Time for some coffee.
Mike and Emmett wander around a mansion, until they come across a kitchen bustling with activity. Mike mutters that it's a pretty posh place; Emmett points out that it would have to be, for what they're getting paid. Mike's not sure he can be a waiter, and Emmett gasps, "Honey, this is your family business. It's in your blood. Now, you go in there and make your mother proud." Hee. A man dressed in all black asks if they're the waiters; when Emmett confirms it, the man lisps despondently, "Why aren't you dressed?" He snaps at some of the other people in the kitchen to give Mike and Emmett their "outfits," which they must don as quickly as possible. Mike and Emmett take the bags they're given and pull out a cummerbund each. And that's it. Mike asks where the rest of the tuxedo is, but The Lisp has had enough of them, and stalks off.
The mansion's dining room. Mike and Emmett walk in, wearing only cummerbunds and black bowties. Each holds a wine bottle in front of his dick. Emmett asks the first overweight, leering diner if he would like red or white wine. Leering Diner #1 says he wants white wine. Emmett shifts bottles and pours while Leering Diner#1 smacks him on the butt and hangs on. Then Leering Diner #1 leers some more and says he wants red wine, too. Mike steps up and offers the table shrimp balls. Leering Diner #2 leers at Mike's crotch and chortles, "I wouldn't say that." After Mike gets pinched, too, he grimaces, "Keep your hands off the tenderloin." All the leering diners giggle.
La Maison du Kinney. Brian lounges in bed, naked. Justin comes over and lies down as far from Brian as possible. Brian tells him to get closer. Justin nervously complies. Brian tells him to take off his clothes. Justin nervously gets undressed. Brian kisses Justin softly, then tells him to roll over. He grabs a condom and puts it on, but before he can do anything else, Justin freaks out and begs him to stop. Then he begins to cry. Brian tells him that it's okay, but Justin knows it's not.
Woody's. At the bar, a white-haired HDGB tells Brian, "You know, for someone who has enough disorders to merit your own classification in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual, you are one of the most well-adjusted and high-functioning bastards I know." Brian, not sure how to take that: "Thanks." Ha! But, seriously? "High-functioning"? Yes. "Well-adjusted"? Please. These two act like they've known each other for more than five minutes, though. I'd love to get the backstory on that. The HDGB asks what Brian's secret is. Brian chalks it up to a "series of hopeless addictions, for one. And, uh, never seeing a shrink, for another." The HDGB says he's a shrink, actually, and then asks about Justin. Justin's not doing so great. Dr. HDGB says that Justin's reaction is normal, given the situation: "Naturally, he's going to be afraid to let anyone touch him. Even you." Brian asks if Justin will get over it. The Doc's not sure: "It's like a fairy tale. Rapunzel trapped in a tower. Hansel and Gretel caged by the witch. Only in this case, it's Justin's memory that's been locked up. And it's up to you to release it, Handsome Prince." Brian doesn't know how to do that. Dr. HDGB suggests that Brian trigger Justin's memory, so that Justin can "feel the pain." It's the only way to process it and get past it. Or else "he's always going to feel isolated and unhappy and alone. Not just the walking wounded. The walking dead." Brian downs his drink and sighs, "You're very eloquent when you're drunk." Dr. HDGB laughs, but, sadly, their "time is up." Brian asks how much he owes the good doctor. Dr. HDGB grins, "I'll take it out in trade. time I see you in the baths." Brian laughs. Good scene. More Dr. HDGB, please.
Mike and Emmett's. Mike has his pants pulled down just low enough to allow us to see his butt in the mirror behind him. His behind is covered with red marks, and Mike pouts, "It was awful -- all those dirty old men, staring at me and pinching my ass." Ted's in the room with them, a pillow strategically adjusted over his lap. Emmett, putting lotion on Mike's behind, crows, "It was fabulous! All those dirty old men staring at me and pinching my ass!" Ted snorts, "Welcome to Point-Counterpoint." Emmett shrugs off the bruises and reminds Mike that they made $500 apiece. Mike asks Ted how much that is after taxes. Ted's like, how the hell should I know? You're an accountant, Eeyore. Ted pouts that he was an accountant. Emmett sighs, "Well, it's clear to me what you have to do." Ted growls, "How to open a milk carton isn't clear to you." Well, someone's cranky. On Emmett's look, Ted backs down and asks for Emmett's suggestion. Emmett suggests that Ted sue The Shaft. Now Ted has to repeat what Melanie said about the lack of anti-discrimination laws for homosexuals. Just in case we forgot...about the lazy writing, that is. Emmett finishes salving Mike's butt, and gleefully pulls down his own pants for his turn. Ted says that first he's going to confront The Shaft about treating him so unfairly. Then he's going to beg for his job back. Mike thinks that's a good idea, but Emmett gasps, "What type of pussy boys are you? Where's your pride? Where's your self-respect? Where's your dignity?" Ted rolls his eyes. The phone rings, and Emmett answers it. When he hangs up, he informs his friends, "A wealthy client would like an attractive domestic to polish his silver." Mike snerks, "I hope your butt holds up." Emmett sighs that you can buy a lot of lotion with a hundred dollars an hour, so, "I'm off to buff in the buff!" Ted snorts, "So much for dignity."
At the loft, Brian, Justin, and Daphne roll up the carpet, push away the furniture, and start the healing process. Hi, Daphne! Daphne explains to Justin how the night started; She and Justin were dancing to the song she's now playing on the stereo. Brian came in, wearing a tux, with the White Scarf of Unmentionable Dysfunction wrapped around his neck. There are flashbacks to prom night as she's talking. Justin thinks he remembers that, sort of. Daphne says Brian looked great. And then Daphne prompts Brian to say what he told her, which was, "You look hot, Daphne. I'd fuck you." Daphne giggles. Daphne continues that Brian and Justin went to the middle of the dance floor as "Save the Last Dance" started to play. Brian tells Justin to close his eyes in order to help him remember. They dance a little bit, but nothing's happening. Justin is amazed that they actually danced to this song -- this song that never fails to put a lump in my throat every time I hear it. This song that Justin calls "corny" and "old." Grrr. Brian laughs and says that he prefers to think of it as "ridiculously romantic." Daphne glows that Justin and Brian had the whole floor to themselves. Brian adds that they did some "pretty fancy moves," and there's a flashback to Brian twirling Justin around on the dance floor. Daphne says that everyone was shocked: "It was so cool. And when you guys kissed, it was so hot." Justin's all pleased, like, you kissed me? In front of everybody? Brian replies, "Yeah. You should have been there." Aww. I'm not made of stone. I'm not.
The Big Q. Tracy and Mike are on their way out of the store; she asks how his first day back went. Mike sighs that it was like he never left, and Tracy giggles, "I know what you mean. Working at the Big Q kind of spoils you for anything else." They run into Andrew, who orders Mike to stay for another shift because the assistant manager who's supposed to be on duty called in sick. Mike explains that he just finished a ten-hour shift. Andrew pulls rank and asks if Mike has a problem: "Because I'd hate to think I hired an assistant manager who's refusing to do the job." Mike agrees to stay. Before Andrew slithers off, he pats Mike on the shoulder and welcomes him back. What a tool. Tracy says that she can call her boyfriend and cancel dinner: "He needs to lose a few pounds anyway." Does he, now? Surprise! Mike tells her to go ahead without him, even though no one's said why she can't go to dinner anyway, or why she would even stay with Mike, instead. Or anything.
The Parking Lot of Violent Homophobia. Brian explains to Justin what happened . He's having a little bit of trouble getting through it, and Justin looks completely uncomfortable. Brian says that after he got back in the Jeep, Justin turned around and smiled: "And then I knew why Debbie calls you 'Sunshine.'" Warm fuzzies! It was sweet, okay? Leave me alone. Brian continues that he saw Hobbes in the rearview mirror, and we're treated to the sound of a bat hitting Justin's head again. At that point, Brian starts to lose it, and desperately asks Justin if he remembers anything at all. He doesn't. But noticing what a difficult time Brian's having, he goes over and starts to pat him awkwardly. "I wish I could remember," Justin says. Brian nods, "I wish I could forget."
Wertshafter and Co. Ted enters The Shaft's office, carrying a box of all his stuff. Wertshafter demands to know what Ted's still doing there. I guess math is no longer an essential part of accounting. Ted explains that, uh, he came to pick up the rest of his stuff, and he also wanted to speak with his former boss. The Shaft turns back to the computer, but lets Ted talk. Ted nervously starts that he's been a loyal employee for quite some time. Wertshafter's aware, and tells him, sadly, how long Ted's been there, down to the day. Ted's surprised by that, but goes on to say that his firing was "unreasonable and unfair, for such a minor infraction. I'm sure if it was one of the others, you would have looked the other way. The only difference is because I'm, I'm...." He can't even get it out. The Shaft has to clarify that Ted thinks it's because he's gay, and sighs, "You gays. Every time something happens, you think it's about discrimination. Well, this isn't about discrimination, this is about company policy. Anyone found using the internet for reasons other than business purposes will be dismissed forthwith. You're lucky I didn't charge you for the time you spent online." Exactly. Having been schooled, Ted tries to slink out of there as quickly as possible. The Shaft calls him back in, and asks Ted if he's "happy" being an accountant: "Does it make your heart beat faster?" Ted has to reply honestly, and admit that it doesn't. The Shaft shrugs, "Then I'm doing you a favor. Find something you have a passion for. Otherwise, you're just jerking yourself off." So to speak. Ba dum bump! What? They can do it but I can't?
The Happy Fun Backyard. Gus's birthday party is in full swing, and Debbie brings out the cake to a burst of applause. Lindsay, holding Gus in her lap, tells her very adorable baby boy to make a wish. Gus, being only a year old, has no idea what's going on. Behind them, Ted closes his eyes and whispers, "I want a new job. I want a new job. I want a new job." Emmett nudges him and says he's not the one who's supposed to make a wish! Hijinks of the wacky! Ted mopes, "Yeah, but he's too young, and I really need it." Meanwhile, Mel and St. L. help Gus blow out his candle. Melanie thanks everyone for coming, and says that she and St. Lindsay are very happy "that you all are here to share it with us", and throws a special look Justin's way. She's growing on me. Debbie, never one to let the attention stay on anyone else for long, quips, "Would you cut the schmaltz so I can cut the cake?" Justin stands on the porch with Brian and looks even more nervous, if that's possible. If you turn up the volume, you can hear him muttering, "The people. The people. The people...."
Mel and St. L. are happily feeding each other cake and kissing when a little redheaded girl steps up and pokes Melanie on the shoulder. "Are you and her married?" the precocious tot asks. Melanie is forced to answer that they are not. The precocious tot wants to know why. Why, why aren't they married? Why is the world so cru-el and unfair? No! She is too young to learn the horrors of bigotry! Protect her! Lindsay smiles, "Have your parents explain it to you in about, oh, twenty years." Whew!
Debbie brings a slice of cake over to Mike, who's sitting on the swing. Mike grouses, "You know, white flour and white sugar are about the worst thing you can put in your body." Whatever. It's a birthday party. Eat your goddamn cake. Debbie kills time -- and me -- by shoving a slice in her mouth, and then stands around saying nothing for a few seconds. What is up with the pacing this season? She finally reminisces that Mike had his first birthday party thirty years ago, just like this one, including the swing set. And? Debbie finally sets Mike up with the line, "Some things never change." Mike mopes that she's wrong: "Things change a lot. And if you don't change with them, you get left behind." Mike feels like he's right back where he started, and everybody else has moved on. I'm sorry? Like who? Who's changed? No one, that's who. We covered this last week, remember? Mike goes on to say that he feels lost. Debbie sighs that he's not lost: "You're just full of shit." She smacks Mike lightly on the cheek and adds, "You're only lost if you're alone. You are surrounded by people who love you. You're gonna find your way."
Back at the party, Brian's Lesbians are helping Gus open his presents. They pull out a big yellow whiffle bat, and Lindsay crows to Brian, "Your son's going to be a baseball player!" Brian snaps, "Yeah, well, if you make a man out of him, I'm going to hold you personally responsible." But guess what happens? Can you guess what telegraphed-from- a-mile-away, heavy-handed, anvillicious event occurs? I'm sorely tempted not to even tell you. Fine. Okay. Justin's memory of prom night is triggered when he sees the phallic gender-specific toy. He starts to shake. He starts to wince. He starts to cower. Brian throws his arms around Justin in comfort, and Justin hangs on.
Later that evening, Melanie and Lindsay tear down the decorations. Mel asks Lindsay what she plans to do for Gus's second birthday, since this one went so well. St. L. snerks, "Leave town and stick you with it." Melanie laughs, and then awkwardly continues that the backyard would be perfect for a wedding. But the chuppah (which, for some reason, closed captioning insists on spelling as "chupeh" ["both spellings seem to be accepted" -- Wing Chun]) would look better by the rose bushes. Lindsay thought they weren't going to talk about it anymore. Melanie says that the little redhead made her change her mind. Redheads will do that to you. Especially after a couple of drinks. But I digress. Melanie realized that Gus would one day ask them the same question, and then he'd want to know why not, and then Melanie would have to answer that "straight people won't let" them. She says that that wouldn't be the whole truth, though: "We wouldn't give ourselves permission." Melanie gets down on one knee and proposes. Lindsay's touched, but tries to play it off. She's going to have to think it over. For about a second. And then she screams "yes!" and jumps into Melanie's arms. Melanie picks her up twirls her around, as they both laugh with glee.
La Maison du Kinney. Justin's sleeping, but wakes up when he hears Brian puttering around the kitchen. Brian takes an entire century to realize Justin's awake, and then walks over to the bed. "Better now?" he asks. Justin says that he is. Brian sits down to him, amidst the artful blue lighting, and admits that Justin really freaked him out at the birthday party. Justin is surprised, because that's the way CowLip wants it. Brian nods, "It was like you got hit all over again." Justin says he remembered walking away: "And suddenly hearing your voice call my name, to warn me. You never told me about that." Brian shrugs, "I guess I forgot." Justin grins, "It's a good thing one of us remembered." They kiss. Justin reaches into Brian's shirt and pulls out The Scarf of Unmentionable Dysfunction. Neither of them acts like it's unreasonable, or scary, or pathological that he's wearing a scarf with Justin's two-month-old (eww eww eww!) dried blood on it, but as far as I'm concerned, Brian asked Dr. HDGB about the wrong patient. Anyway. Justin whispers, "I want you inside me." Brian asks if he's sure. Justin says he is: "Just take it easy." Brian asks, "Like the first time?" They begin to make love. Somewhere in Chicago, a gay bar erupts in cheers while Demian grinds his teeth and contemplates mass homicide. The camera pans down to the Scarf of Unmentionable Dysfunction on the floor. And that's a wrap, folks.
week, Emmett becomes the maid for a biracial gay couple, but they don't want him to take his clothes off. Until one of them hits on him. Brian is asked to accept an award for saving Justin's life, but he doesn't want it. Some folks decide that they don't want Brian to get the award anyway, because he's a man-slut. Oh, but now, since they don't want him, Brian wants the award. Contrary. Stubborn. Nothing new. Could be interesting, though. See you week.