Robin Quivers is back. Wouldn't it have been great if Harvey had hosted the last one? And this is a little weird anyway, because Robin starts out, and then the Voice of QaF takes over. (I guess they just grabbed her last go-round and then edited it.) And fucks up again. I seriously don't think whoever writes the intro actually watches the show. Vic didn't get arrested for solicitation; he got arrested for indecent exposure. And they don't bother to remind us that Brian got turned down for that job, just that he was promised it. Robin ends, "Let's see if it all gets wrapped up on the Queer as Folk." What gets wrapped up? Everything that was just mentioned already got wrapped up. You mean Michael moving to Portland? Woman, please. Oh, and by the way, Rosemary (would you post already, please?) wrote me to say that Mimi Rogers was in a Showtime show last year called Common Ground, about three generations of gay people in a small town, along with Steven Weber, Thea Gill, and Eric Stoltz, all hosts. Whew!
Wow. The last time I get to correct the intros. Excuse me a minute, I have to get a Kleenex; there seems to be something in my eye. Sniff!
And we open on Brian having sex with some guy, all lit in signature black and blue. Kind of gives "Blue Light Special" a different meaning, doesn't it? A bell dings. Cut to Brian having sex with yet another guy. Ding! Cut to Brian having sex with yet another guy, while that guy has sex with another guy. And just as I'm about to get up, go to the fridge, get a cider, and sit back down again, a little Brady Bunch-esque box appears in the middle of screen, with Brian having sex with different guys in the background. It's Mike, on the phone: "Have you seen Brian? I've been trying to reach him all day." Figures. Another Brady-esque box appears, and glides across the screen. It's Justin: "Me too. He hasn't returned any of my phone calls." "Any"? Figures. Lindsay gets a box, and hopes that Brian's all right. The "L." in St. L. stands for "love." Emmett pops in a box, and wonders what "the condemned man is doing during his final hours." Ted: "Doing penance?" Melanie: "Doing drugs?" Mike: "Doing as many guys as he can?" Ding! Lindsay grimaces that maybe they shouldn't go through with "this," since he made it clear he wanted no reminders. Everyone more or less laughs at her, except without actually laughing, so it's really just me laughing hysterically on the couch, which made it really hard to work the bottle opener. Ted calls "it" an "event of historic proportions, like the moon landing or the fall of Communism." Melanie: "It is our duty as his friends to commemorate it." Heh. She just said she was Brian's friend. Wow, what a little piece of paper and a legal fee will do, huh? Emmett: "And make sure he remembers it. Always." All the little boxes disappear, until there's just Brian, coming for a final time and falling over...well, whomever, in exhaustion. Desperation: the world's best aphrodisiac.
Cut to a weird peephole-like Brian's-eye-view, circling around among Emmett, Lindsay, Ted, Mike, Melanie and Justin, all gathered around with cruel grins on their faces. Brian, totally out of it, asks them what they're doing there. Melanie gasps, what, you haven't heard? Emmett: "It's the last day of the rest of your life!" Brian asks whether he's dead, already, and Ted smirks, "No. But you'll wish you had [died]. You're thirty." Everybody laughs evilly. Cut to Brian on his bed, groaning, as everybody chortles at the other end, all dressed in black, like cat burgulars. Justin jumps on his back. Of course. Ah, to be eighteen again, and not have the good sense to control every impulse you have. Alas, I am twenty-eight, and can't afford every impulse I have. At least not the ones without actual price tags. Brian tries to push him off, and Justin grins, "Sorry, Grandpa." Brian succeeds in getting the boy off him, and snarls at them all to go away. Everybody all together, now: "No such luck." Brian lunges to the head of the bed, and they all jump in after him. Melanie starts throwing clothes while the rest practically sit on Brian, trying to get him dressed. MM snickers, while she's tossing, "Jesus, what a label queen." I start to snicker, too, until I realize I'm clothed head to toe in Banana Republic and Gap. "Nothing like recapping groundbreaking television to expose one's hypocrisies, is there?" I ask Coop, who's on the phone booking a truck for our move this weekend. He doesn't hear the question, so I just look down at the ring on my finger and sigh. Anyway, back to our story. So, they're all over Brian, who's screaming at them to leave him alone, and Ted's all, this is going to hurt you a lot more than it'll hurt us! And as Mike ties a blindfold around Brian's eyes, Brian finally gives up and lets out an ear-piercing scream. After all, attention is attention, even if it's negative.
Mike and Justin drag Brian -- still blindfolded and struggling all the way -- somewhere. They rip off the blindfold, and Brian looks around him, bewildered. Directly ahead is a casket. As funereal music plays, the camera cuts to cake shaped like a tombstone, which reads: "BRIAN KINNEY, 1971-2001. AGE 30. RIP." Gay people. Death. Wait a minute, is this Six Feet Under or Queer as Folk? And, HA! I knew he was too young to have seen Temple of Doom in the summer of 1984! Jesus, didn't any movies starring hunky men come out in 1985? Anyone? All I can remember from that year is Goonies. Cut to Ted, solemnly presenting to Brian a scroll tied with a ribbon: "Your official membership to the Dead Faggots Society." Hee. Brian snaps, "Who are you, the fucking founding father?" Ted laughs, "You're really going to have to get some new material, now that you are one of us." Pan over to Melanie and Lindsay, about to cut the cake. Mike asks whether Brian should make a wish first, and Emmett snarks, "Oh, hon. He already has. He's still thirty." Melanie politely asks, "Okay, who wants some Deathday cake? Deathday cake, anyone?" Bwa! Justin sighs that he's glad he doesn't have to deal with the age issue for a long, long time. But the shirt he's wearing has the number "23" on it, which, ironically, is Randy Harrison's real age. So, you know, not that long. (I can't remember who wrote me and pointed that out, but thanks.) Mike, worried at how bewildered Brian is, assures him that being thirty isn't so bad: "You forget about it." Unless you're about to turn twenty-nine in a couple of months, and thirty's just looming over you, and you think, what have I done with my life? What am I doing? Am I really getting too old to wear baby doll t-shirts? How come I never applied for The Real World when I had the chance? [Cough] Um, or not. Anyway, seriously, back to our story. Melanie, handing Brian a piece of Deathday cake, says that he should think about all the fun he's going to have in New York. So, I guess Brian hasn't told them he got dissed yet. Emmett adds, "You've only just begun to fuck." He fucks any more, and his dick might just drop off. Brian finds the perfect way to ruin everyone's good time -- he gives them the bad news right there. He angrily strides away from their shocked faces, annoyed by the bunch of black balloons someone tied to his belt loop. I'm just getting all kinds of party ideas from this. Brian tells his confused friends that the job fell through. Now they feel all sorry for him, so Brian, once again, takes the point. Mike, as usual, is outraged that he, personally, wasn't informed! Brian reminds him that Mike's moving to Portland anyway, so why does it matter? Brian adds that it's no big deal, and Justin twists the knife a little bit more by replying, "No big deal? It's all you've been talking about. Leaving? Not looking back?" Hmm, there may be a ref's ruling on that point I just gave Brian. Lindsay, sadly: "You put your loft on the market." Yup, looks like that one went in after the buzzer. Sorry, Brian. Brian growls, "Anyway, it doesn't matter, I'm already dead!" And jumps into the casket, pulling his balloons in after him.
Demon's Lair. Mike steps around a stack of boxes in the doorway, and walks into the living room to find Demon cheerfully directing a crew of movers, "Boxes marked 'S' go in storage, boxes marked 'P' go to Portland." One of the movers, holding Captain Astro, walks past Mike. Mike's surprised that the Master didn't tell him the movers were coming today. Demon thought he did. Mike's like, wow, I'd better go finish packing my stuff. Demon says he packed it for him. Mike's like, um, how do I know what you've put in S and what you've put in P? Demon assures him that it's all perfectly taken of, and hands Mike a card with the address of their new place on it. Mike's like, what new place? Demon rented a house on the internet, without consulting Mike at all. Because there wasn't time, or something, and apparently it couldn't wait until when Mike was home. Demon says that he'll love it, though, because it has an atrium and a pool. Why do I keep thinking Mike can't swim? Mike mutters that it all sounds great, and that he's going to go get the tickets. Demon already did. Uh, okay, then Mike's going to call Ted about giving them a ride to the airport. No need. Demon got a car. Mike, exasperated, asks whether there's anything he can do. Demon looks up and says, in his best condescending voice, "Yeah, you can stand there and look gorgeous, which you do so beautifully." He kisses Mike and sighs, "Isn't it great to be in love with a guy that does everything?" Up to and including running your life? Uh. No. Demon runs off, so he probably doesn't hear Mike grouse, "Yeah. So, I guess I'll just go to the beauty parlor and get my nails done."
Melanie's law firm. Damn, she cleans up nice. Ted and Emmett are in the waiting room, as she walks in and tells the receptionist to put a call from Bender at the ACLU directly through to her office. Jeremy, where do you work again? Melanie asks whether this is a fun visit, or whether they need legal advice. Emmett says that they just need lunch, and Ted asks her whether she can spare Blake so they can take him out. MM says she'd be happy to...if Blake had come in today. Uh oh. Ted, thinking quickly, says, oh, yeah, I forgot. He said that he wasn't feeling well this morning, so that's probably why he didn't come in. Or call. Or why Ted, who lives with Blake, didn't try him at home first. MM's busy looking at files, and she tells Ted -- a bit coldly, actually -- that this isn't the first time Blake hasn't shown up for work, and that on the occasions when he does, he might as well not have shown up at all. The other partners, she says, want him gone. And I feel like such a nag, here, I do, but um, it's been like, what, a week, maybe, since he got this job? He got back on the crystal, and started messing up, and it's been so bad that Melanie hasn't even called Ted to ask what's up? Especially since she more or less put her rep on the line to get Blake hired in the first place? I mean, she just saw Ted that morning. Nothing? Sounds like someone panicked, and was like, "Omigod! We have an episode and a half to write Blake off, and only fifteen minutes to do it in! Hey, you! Yeah, the intern who writes Gale Harold's lines? Whip something up for me, wouldja?" Anyway. Ted blathers that he'll talk to Blake, but Mel interrupts him to take the call from Bender. As they walk out, Ted warns Emmett not to say anything. Emmett says he wasn't going to say anything: "Except it's not [Blake's] germs he didn't want to share. It's his drugs." Nice. Ted asks Emmett why he has to be so cynical. Emmett snaps that he'd rather be cynical than in denial. That's not your friend's heart breaking right in front of you, or anything, Em. Don't worry about it. Ted clears his throat, and insists that Blake has a cold.
Debbie's. She, Vic, and Justin's mother are sending out invitations to the annual P-FLAG barbecue. They chatter about what a great way it is to spend time with their kids. Jennifer's not so sure that Justin's going to be happy about it. Vic takes a look at the envelope and muses, "They put everything on stamps these days. Composers, birds, even the Three Stooges. When are they going to have 'Famous Fags'?" Well, you did say "composers," didn't you? Debbie chortles that they'll have to wait for the sixty-nine-cent stamp. Get it? "Sixty-nine"? Justin comes home from school, and Debbie snaps at him, "You're going with your mother to the P-FLAG barbecue, and I don't want to hear another word about it!" Justin shrugs, "Okay." And kisses Jennifer on the cheek. Jennifer's like, how did you do that? Debbie grins, "How do you think I got Michael to go all those years?" Debbie pouts that this is the first one he's going to miss, and Vic replies, "At least he's where he belongs." What, in his trailer, waiting to film the scene? Vic adds, "With the man he loves." Oh. Whatever. Justin tries to comfort her, saying that she's had Michael for a long time. Jennifer adds that they can share Justin. Aren't they sharing Justin now? Debbie points out that Justin will be gone soon, too. There's a knock on my door. It's Foreshadowing. Didn't call to say he was coming by, either. Like he ever does. Debbie sighs, "Graduation's coming up. The prom." Vic laughs at her mentioning the prom: "I went with Connie Costello. Two hundred pounds, wrapped in purple satin. She looked like a stuffed grape leaf." Everyone chuckles, like the popular kids they all were in high school. But I'm not bitter. Vic says that that he couldn't take who he wanted to: Lance Rocco. I'm sorry, "Lance...Rocco"?! Vic sighs, "Pisser of a kisser. I wound up going with Connie. He wound up not going at all." Justin says that he's not going, either, because Prom's for straight kids. Debbie and Jennifer are shocked. Jennifer says that Prom's for everyone. Debbie says that it's a "rite of passage." Actually, she doesn't say that, because she can't remember the term, but Vic tells her that's what she meant. I mean, I didn't have the best time at my prom, but I'm still glad I went. But then again, I didn't have to pretend to be straight just so I wouldn't get the crap kicked out of me, either. More on that later. Jennifer frowns, "I'd just hate to see you deprive yourself of the experience, just because you think you don't belong."
Ted's. Ted stews on the couch, listening to an opera. I don't know that much about opera, but I'm going to take a wild guess -- La Traviata? Blake bounces in the door, clearly on drugs, and greets him cheerfully. Ted nervously asks where Blake's been, and Blake gives, as I have said before, the worst possible answer: "Out." Blake, panting like a racehorse, then proceeds to take off his shirt right in the middle of the living room. As Ted asks him why he wasn't at work, Blake gets a bottle of water out of the fridge. Blake says that he had "one of those twenty-four-hour bug things," but that he's feeling much better now, thank you. Right. Ted tells Blake that he shouldn't miss any more work, and Blake becomes fascinated with his chest, the bottle of water, and the way it looks as he drops it on the floor. Whoa. Blake interrupts Ted by straddling him on the couch, and tells Ted not to worry -- he'll go in to work in the morning. Ted pushes him off, and starts to say that he'd hate to see Blake lose his job, when he was doing so well. Before Ted can finish, Blake pushes down his pants and underwear and asks Ted to fuck him. Ted's all trying not to be mesmerized by Blake's butt. He stammers something about Blake listening to him, but Blake wants sex. Now. Ted violently pushes him away, and tells him to knock it off. Blake shrieks that he wants it! And I burst into giggles. This isn't funny, I know, it's just that he's naked, and panting, and shrieking, and uh [giggle] sorry. I'm seven. Blake gets down on his knees, and rips off Ted's pants, and...well, you can figure out the rest. But hey, nearly fully frontal Ted, woohoo!
Babylon! You know, my favorite part of Babylon has always been what the go-go dancers are wearing. Often, it's the most suspenseful part of the show. Tonight, they're either sporting black jock straps and horns on their heads, or white jockstraps and halos. Babylon for the last time. It's very sad. Oh, how I shall miss, you, HDGBs. As usual, Brian, Mike, and Emmett are standing at the bar. I'm told that no one at gay bars actually hangs out at the bar, which might be the reason The Boys are always standing there alone. I think Demian would be perfect there, doing a crossword puzzle. Which is not a cap on Demian at all, that's just apparently what he does in crowded gay bars, and honey, it's not just a way to piss off gay people. I used to do the same in straight bars, back in the day, and it pisses off people there, too. Or boys try and hit on you, not realizing that the question, "Are you actually reading that?" does not make them more attractive. Whatever. I'm just trying to jam seven months of personal exposition in here, because I know how much you all will miss it. You're all like, yeah, yeah, get on with the naked gay men. Fine. Where were we?
Babylon. Right. Brian orders something with Absolut in it, and Emmett orders a Grand Marnier Cosmopolitan. Yay, fearless product placement! Emmett gasps, oh my God, this might be the last time we're all at Babylon together! Brian and Mike look kind of shell-shocked, but then Brian recovers quickly, snorting, "Is that all? I thought it was something serious." Mike quivers, "Do you think they have a Babylon in Portland?" Do you think Demon will let you go, if they do? Brian's like, do you think they have any gay people in Portland? You mean gay men? Not sure. But I hear Oregon's real popular with the ladies. Emmett replies that there will be at least two gay people there that they'll know of. Mike quivers that they'll come and visit, won't they? Brian snickers, "If you wanted visitors, then you should probably have moved to South Beach." Whole mess of HDGBs there, at least the last time I went down. Emmett hugs Mike and says that he's really going to miss him. And then -- pulling back, trying not to cry -- Emmett adds, "As Martha Stewart says, 'When life gets you down, have a party.'" So, he decides to throw Mike a going-away party. Needs a theme, though. What do they have in Portland? They have a rose parade. That might work. Mike can only think of lumberjacks, which causes Brian to snicker that maybe he will come and visit, then. Emmett decides that lumberjacks will be the theme, and that they'll all wear flannel. Brian drawls, "And if you don't have any, you can always borrow something from Lindsay and Melanie." Damn. I hate it when he steals my lines. Emmett says that he feels much better, and then starts crying, anyway. Brian grumps, "You still have me; I'm not going anywhere." Emmett nods half-heartedly and agrees, "Hooray." Yeah, good luck keeping the gang together once Mikey's gone.
Brian heads off into the crowd, and Mike follows him. Some things never change. Brian turns around and tells him to go home and pack. Mike says that Demon's taken care of the packing; in fact, he's taken care of everything. Brian asks Mike what he's planning on doing in Portland, once he gets there: "Or are you going to leave that all up to [Demon], too?" Mike says he hasn't had time to think about it, with the leasing, and the packing, and the shipping. Brian snaps something about Mike's being more concerned with himself than with Demon. Brian really needs to settle on a train of thought on this subject. Either Mikey should go, or he shouldn't. He can always find something to do once he gets to Portland. Not that he's going, or anything, but he has the rest of his life to figure out...well, what he wants to do with the rest of his life.
Anyway, Brian heads downstairs, possibly to the recently relocated Back Room of Sex. He pulls out his cell phone, and is stopped by Justin, who says, "He's far too young for you." I didn't catch Brian looking at anyone else, so maybe Justin's come to his senses and is referring to himself. Probably not. Probably just trying to get Brian's attention. Still. Justin asks Brian to dance, and Brian says something stupid about breaking his hip. Justin tells him to knock it off with the old-age wisecracks: "It's not like you're forty." Heh. Brian finds that to be scant comfort. Justin asks what Brian's doing Friday. Brian says something dumb about his short-term memory. Justin asks Brian to the prom. Brian: "As what, your chaperone?" Ha! Justin meant as his date, of course. Brian snorts, "I'd love to...but my prom dress is still at the dry cleaners." Justin's like, please? Brian's all, are you out of your mind?! Justin whines, "I wanna go with someone I care about. And if that happens to be a guy, who cares?" Brian rolls his eyes, "That's just what I need -- to be on a dance floor with a bunch of fuckin' eighteen-year-olds." Babe, look around you. You're pretty much already there. Literally. As if reading my mind, Justin grins, "I thought you like fucking eighteen-year-olds." Ha. Ha. Ha. Give it up, Justin. Making it perfectly clear, Brian replies, "Go buy a corsage. For someone else."
The morning at the diner, Emmett's at the counter eating pancakes when Ted walks in. Emmett snerks, "Well, someone's looking all fucked out." Ted says that "someone" is all fucked out, thanks for asking. Emmett tells Ted he needs vitamins, and then orders his friend a cup of coffee. Ted mutters that he and Blake had sex all night, and that he only got half an hour's sleep. Emmett snorts, "Okay. Now, this is what we call a 'high-end' problem." Ted droops, "Only it wasn't him I was fucking. It was some drug." Emmett looks kind of sad when he hears that, but Ted snaps at him to not look so smug. Emmett tells him that he's not happy, he's sorry. Me too, by the way. Ted starts to break down, wondering what he's going to do. Emmett: "You're going to drink your coffee...and then you're going to go home and change the locks." Ted's not too happy about just shutting Blake out like that. Emmett says it's that or keep living in denial. And making excuses for Blake. And panicking when he disappears, "not knowing if he's alive or dead. And then, when he finally shows up, having the supreme joy of putting him back together again." Ted says he can't do that, but that he can't throw Blake out, either. Emmett gives him another option: "Aunt Betty's B&B. He can join a long line of illustrious guests, like Liz and Liza." Plus, Emmett adds, it'll be a good test to see who Blake loves more, "[Ted] or crystal."
Justin's school. Chris Hobbes calls Justin a fag and pushes him into some lockers; Justin falls to the ground. Hobbes needs some new material. I'm surprised that he hasn't been able to find any in that big closet of his. Justin screams at Hobbes to fuck off. Daphne, walking the opposite way down the hall, asks Justin if he's okay. Justin picks himself up, dusts himself off, and scowls, "Thank god I won't have to see him for the rest of my life." Foreshadowing calls me up and reminds me that I have to be at work at nine in the morning, so I should really finish up this recap. Daphne shrugs, "Yeah, or anyone else here, either." Don't tell me these two haven't talked since the sex (shudder) incident. Justin says that he didn't mean her, and then asks whether she's going to the prom. Daphne giggles, "Are you kidding?" And I thought she meant, "Heck, yeah!" because, you know, a girl that cool has to have a life, but since Justin snorts, "Yeah, me neither," I guess she isn't. Justin tells her that his mother told him that he should go basically so that he could say that he went, so he asked Brian. Daphne is shocked at how cool and daring Justin is, and it's just like old times. Maybe she can get a life in college. That's where I found mine. Not that I'm identifying with her or anything. Anyway, Justin tells Daphne that Brian turned him down. Daphne's disappointed, because it would have rocked everyone's world if Brian had come. Justin says that he knows: "It would have been the perfect 'fuck you' and farewell to St. James Academy." Justin sighs and says he misses Daphne, probably because there's no one else around to tell him how cool and daring he is. Daphne says that she misses him, too. Awww! Justin asks whether she wants to go to the prom with him, "like friends...best friends," and not as a date. And with no weirdness. Daphne enthusiastically agrees.
Brian, Lindsay, and Gus are at a clothing store. Lindsay coos that "it's so adorable that he asked you." I'm sorry, I'm still not getting why this relationship is okay with everyone. Brian's fucking an eighteen-year-old. How pathetic is that? Justin's obsessed with a thirty-year-old man. Um. Can I get an "ew" up in here? Please? Brian snorts, and Lindsay adds, "Despite the somewhat questionable differences in your ages, and that emotionally he's about twelve years your senior." No, seriously. Ew. Brian's like, no way josé, too old. Is talking about himself or Justin? Lindsay starts up with the "you're thirty, your life is falling apart" sarcastic shtick, but you know, if this were a heterosexual couple, it would still be gross. Brian pouts that it is the end of his life. The Drama Empress rises again. And again, mark my words. Lindsay Oprahs that it's a "whole new beginning. A whole new way of thinking about yourself. A whole new sense of entitlement. And accomplishment." Brian scowls, "That's from the La Jeunnesse anti-aging cream commercial. I wrote that fucking copy!" Oops. Lindsay winces, then recovers nicely, "Okay, well, I guess I only quote from the masters. But it's the truth." Yes, please, stroke Brian's ego some more. Lindsay says that she, herself, is looking forward to growing old: "I want wrinkles, I want gray hair, I want Gus to make me a grandmother. I want to grow old with Melanie." ["And that copy is almost verbatim from a TV spot for a chain of Canadian drug stores." -- Wing Chun] Brian says that he doesn't want any of that shit. At all. With a double helping of "not growing old with Melanie." Lindsay asks him what he does want, then. Brian eyes a gorgeous white pashmina scarf, and says, "This." St. L. is happy for him, and not confused, as I am. Maybe she saw the advisory warning. I didn't. But more on that later, too. Brian muses that maybe he should celebrate turning thirty and "give [himself] something very special." Nope. Didn't see that advisory warning at all. Lindsay's just happy that he's not whining anymore.
Demon's Lair. Michael's rummaging through the closet, and then asks Demon where his flannel shirt is. Demon cheerfully tells him that he packed it. Mikey panics, because now he doesn't have anything to wear to Emmett's party. Demon throws Michael one of his own flannel shirts to wear. Mike, frustrated, thanks him. Demon says it was too small for him anyway, so Mike can keep it. Mike grouses, barely audible, "I don't need your hand-me-downs. What I need is someone who listens to me." Demon sighs patronizingly and asks what's up. Mike whines that they haven't even talked about what he's going to do when they get to Portland. Demon shrugs and says, okay, let's discuss it now. As Demon buttons up Mike's shirt, Mike futzes that he's not sure if he wants to work at the Big Q in Portland; maybe he should go back to school...Demon interrupts him to gasp that he promised the people that are leasing the house that he would put the screen doors back in! And this needs to be taken care of right away! Mike says that he can do it, but Demon's all about taking care of it himself. Right now. So he runs down the stairs to do it. Mike's one big bundle of frustration, but without the hard-on.
The once and future home of Mike and Emmett. He'll. Be. Back. Debbie, dressed in pink plaid, knocks on the door. She's greeted by Emmett and Mike, and sniffs, "I feel like I'm in a fucking forest!" Yeah, complete with a stuffed moose in the middle of the living room. Lindsay, Melanie, and Gus are playing on the floor, all dressed in red and black plaid. Debbie marvels that the apartment even smells like a forest, which Emmett proudly tells her is the result of pine-scented spray. And then sprays it on everyone. Not too many people are pleased with that. Mike explains that it's supposed to be "The Great Northwest." Demon cracks, "All we need is a bear to shit in the woods." Emmett reads my mind and says he knows a bear, and "he's into scat." St. L. laughs from the floor, "Come here, sweetheart, your Auntie Em is being gross." Ha! Vic takes off his coat and reveals a pair of flannel pajamas. On everyone's look he snarks, "What? You said to wear flannel." Love me some Uncle Vic. Ted sits to Melanie and Lindsay and tells them that they've never looked more butch. Melanie snaps back that neither has he. Sad, but true. Ted retorts, "Flannel. Isn't that lesbian lingerie?" Shut up, Ted. As everyone laughs, Melanie tells him to "stick a dick in it, wouldja?" I'm gonna use that line again, someday. Justin, predictably, asks where Brian is. Debbie, holding the baby, grins that he's always fashionably late.
Brian is shirtless in his loft, drinking a bottle of scotch, smoking a joint, with a nicely wrapped box to him on the coffee table. After Lord knows how many glasses, he slowly reaches for the box.
Back at the party, Emmett watches Blake talking to Justin, and asks Ted whether he's talked to Blake, yet. Ted reaches for one of the huge stack of pancakes Em's offering, trying to change the subject. Emmett moves the pancakes away from him. That's just cold. Ted pouts and says no, he hasn't talked to Blake yet. Emmett strongly suggests that he do so. Ted sulks, "This is a goodbye party, not an intervention." Hell, since we're all here, why not do both. Let's start with Mike and work our way up. Emmett snaps that the sooner Ted says goodbye, the better, and Mike, thinking that they're talking about him, reminds them that they don't have to say goodbye now, because he's not leaving until the morning. Emmett smiles that they weren't talking about him. Ted tries changing the subject with Mike and asks whether he's packed, yet. Mike replies that his "whole entire life" is being shipped to Portland, even as they speak. Emmett worries that he's getting cold feet. Mike snorts that he hasn't had cold feet since he lived with Emmett, and recounts a nice happy story about banging on the pipes to get the heat to work. Emmett shrugs, "Better than banging the landlord." Ted shrugs, hmm, maybe. Auntie Em starts to tear up and adds, "Well, honey, if you ever want to come home, you just click your heels three times --" and runs off. Mike turns to Ted and says, "I guess I'll miss you most of all, Scarecrow." Aw. So sad, it's like Mike is actually leaving. He and Ted hug. Ted dashes off. Mike turns to follow him, but gets waylaid by his mother, who asks whether he's going to be okay. Mike's worried about her, though, and Debbie bravely snorts, "For Christ's sakes, Michael -- you're going to Portland, not the moon." Debbie continues that it's no big deal, which is what she's been saying. Vic confirms that's what she's been saying, all right. Debbie asks for a big hug, which Mike gives her. And then she can't let him go. Mike's like, you're suffocating me, but Debbie insists that her arms won't move. Mike calls Demon and Vic for help, and they pry Debbie off her son.
Brian's. Brian pulls the scarf out. Brian wraps the scarf around himself. Then there's a montage of Brian running around his loft shirtless, dancing with the scarf. Like I said, I didn't see the advisory about scarfing, so I seriously thought that he was just running around his loft shirtless, throwing his scarf up in the air. I figured they were just taking the opportunity to show off some half-naked Brian. I didn't know there was a point to it. Who would have guessed?
Meanwhile, back at the party, Mike drags Justin off to the side. Justin protests that he didn't do anything to Michael's room, but Mike just wants Justin to do him a favor. Justin snorts, "What? Disappear?" Foreshadowing checks his watch. Mike says that he gave up on that a while ago. Foreshadowing goes out to check the money on his meter. Mike asks Justin to take care of Debbie while he's gone: "Make sure she doesn't work too hard. Help her around the house. Take out the trash. And if you see that she is lonely, just sit with her for awhile and let her talk, even if you've heard it before. Because sometimes she just needs to know that someone's listening." Mike's not too bright, but he really is the sweetest thing. Justin promises. Mike awkwardly walks away.
Later, Ted watches Blake laugh with Brian's Lesbians and Justin in the kitchen. Blake runs over to Ted and gushes about his friends: "They are, like, family." Ted says that they aren't "like" family, they are family. He takes a big swig of beer and adds, "Because we trust each other." Blake's like, you don't trust me? Ted says that he knows Blake's been using drugs again. He explains that some drugs fell out of his coat pocket. Blake has the nerve to be outraged. Ted says he really doesn't care that Blake's upset, he just can't pretend that he didn't see it. Blake snaps that he was afraid of disappointing Ted, of failing again. Ted shrugs, "Well, you have. I can't live with an addict. And I can't make love to an addict." Blake looks back at all the happy people in the kitchen. Ted continues, "And it sickens me, to see what you're doing to a person that I happen to care a lot about, that cares so little about himself." Ted concludes that he doesn't have any choice but to say goodbye. Blake cries that he doesn't want to be like this. Ted tells him that, if that's true, he should check himself into a rehab clinic. Nice play.
Meanwhile, back in the loft, Brian tosses the scarf up in the air. Sat here the whole first time I watched this, no idea what he was doing.
Meanwhile, back at the Party That Fashion Forgot, Emmett offers everyone some moose jerky. They all laugh, but he's not kidding. He found actual moose jerky. Back in what I'm just going to assume is Mike's old bedroom, Mike mopes on the bed while Demon towers over him, trying not to look too concerned. Mike says that this is all harder than he thought it was going to be -- good thing they're leaving first thing in the morning. Demon kisses him on top of the head, and on his way out the door, is like, oh! By the way, I changed our reservations to tomorrow night. Mike can't believe it, and asks why he wasn't told. Demon shrugs, "Does it matter?" Uh, yeah. When you're leaving everyone and everything you know, it's kind of nice to know exactly how much time you have to prepare for that. What an ass. Demon's like, it's just a little change of plans. Which, I'm sure, was more convenient to him than it is to his boyfriend. Mike starts yelling, specifically about not being allowed to do anything, because Demon insists on having total control. Not the issue I was concerned about, but hey, whatever gets him there. Emmett walks up and then, hearing the yelling, walks back into the living room again. Mike continues, "No, you just thought I couldn't handle it. That I can't even hang a fucking screen door!" Demon closes the bedroom door. He asks Mike what the hell is going on, and Mike growls, "You just think I'm going to go along, whatever you want, on your terms. Like a child! Or a trophy wife!" Gee. I wonder where he got that idea? Mike continues that he's the one who's giving up everything to follow Demon across the country: "And I have to wonder, if the situation was reversed, would you have done the same for me?" Demon doesn't really have an answer. Mike figures that's an answer in and of itself, isn't it? And then he covers his mouth with his hands, as if shocked by his own boldness. Join the club, Princess.
Back at the loft, the camera zooms in on Brian's face while he's sniffing (?) a popper. His eyes roll back in his head. I still have no idea what's going on, just sitting here thinking this is what Brian does on his nights off from tricking. Camera cuts to a shot of Brian's butt, panning over to his side, so we can see that he's obviously jerking off. His eyes roll back into his head. Yada, yada. He opens his eyes and sees a blurry, jerky image of Michael running to him. Blurry image of Michael reaching up for something. And, plop! Brian and Michael fall to the floor. And Camper goes, "Ohhhh! That's what Brian's doing. That's very dangerous. Brian shouldn't do that." Brian and Mike start screaming at each other, "What the fuck are you doing?" "What the fuck are you doing?" Mike says he came over because he wondered why Brian wasn't at the party. Brian's like, what party? Brian's such an asshole. Mike knows Brian knew there was a farewell party. Brian says that he was giving himself a birthday present: "The best fucking orgasm of my life." Brian is also pathetic. I mean, seriously. Mike screams that Brian could have gotten killed. Hanging himself? Jerking off? On drugs? Brilliant. Brian snorts, "Well, that wouldn't be the worst thing that could happen. Go out in a blaze of glory. Like Cobain? James Dean? Hendrix. They're all legends. They'll always be young." ["No mention of Michael Hutchence, who reportedly died doing exactly what Brian was doing?" -- Wing Chun] (a) Yeah, and they'll always be thought of, with a shake of the head, as men who wasted their talent; (b) I doubt sincerely that, up and down Liberty Avenue, Brian Kinney's death by orgasm would be met by anything other than snickers and crude jokes. "Legend." Whatever. Mike reminds Brian that he's the one who'll get the call from Brian's cleaning lady when she finds him with a permanent hard-on. Brian yells at Mike for always "ruining everything!" Mike screams that he's saving Brian, just like some other comic-book character saved Captain Astro when he thought he'd lost his superpowers. He might have had me if he'd made an X-Men reference. Brian calls Mike pathetic. Mike, still feeling the power of his newly installed spine, snaps that Brian's the one who's pathetic: "Don't you know that you still have your powers? And you always will. Whether you're eighteen, or you're thirty, or you're fifty, or you're a hundred!" I gotta tell you, working on his ego is definitely the way I'd try to snap some sense into Brian. Mike continues, "You'll always be young, and you'll always be beautiful. You're Brian Kinney, for fuck's sake!" And then Mike grabs him by the face and kisses him and hugs him. Have you guys seen that episode of Friends with Susan Sarandon, where she teaches Joey how to kiss on television? And she tells him that you grasp whoever you're kissing by the face, so the audience focuses on you, instead of them? That's exactly how Mike kisses Brian. Tension on the set, maybe?
Aunt Betty's B&B. Ted walks into Blake's room, and starts talking about how cool the staff is, and look! There's lots of snacks, and this is so nice! Blake nervously puts away his clothes. Ted tells him that he's really happy/ grateful/ relieved that Blake decided to go into rehab. Blake grins, "Well, it's for us, right?" Hmm. Ted nods and kisses him. Before Ted leaves, he gives Blake a gift: his own copy of La Traviata. Ted snerks that it's Blake's favorite opera, but Blake's gotten wise; he knows that the lead characters don't get a happy ending, despite what Ted told him. Ted shrugs, "That's the sequel. Traviata II." Right. Blake smiles as Ted leaves, but the smile drops almost immediately afterwards.
Demon's Lair. Demon's packing his last suitcase, while Mikey sits in the corner. Demon intones, "Considering how you feel, I think it's probably a good idea that you not go." Mike points out that this would be what Demon "thinks," not that he's asked Mike. Again. Still. And, um, hello, Demon just packed up his entire life and shipped it to Portland. It's called "a fight," ass. It's called "working out issues." Christ. Mike says that it would nice if, once in a while, Demon used the word "we." Demon says it's obvious Mike's decided that he's not going. Mike never said he wasn't going. Demon says that this isn't about "changing flights, or changing screen doors; this time it's about Brian. If he wasn't leaving, you would never have agreed to go." Oh, for God's sakes. That is so old. I'm the first to call Mike on how stupid he is about Brian, but Mike has shown nothing but love and devotion to the Evil One since they moved in together. Demon, on the other hand, has been controlling, manipulative, and felt the need, hello, to go get jerked off by other men. Mike says that it's not about Brian, it's about Demon. Demon's trying not to hear that, and says he has to go downstairs to meet his car to the airport. Mike says that he can take Demon, but Demon declines that offer. Mike grouses, fine, have it your way, and Demon snaps, "The way I always do?" Exactly. Bye. Mike apologizes, because even with the spine, he's still Mike. Demon tells him to stop apologizing: "I'm the one who should be apologizing to you." Right. Don't miss your plane, now. Demon apologizes for not including Mike in decisions, and for disregarding his feelings, and whoa, is that a car horn honking I hear? and wraps it all up by saying that if situations were reversed, he doesn't know whether he could do the same thing Mike was going to do. Mike says that's great, but that it wasn't what he was going to say: "It's not up to you to decide what it is I should do with my life. It's up to me. And if I didn't do it, then it's my fault." Mike adds that he should really think things through more clearly before he makes such a big decision. Demon says that he hopes Mike will change his mind, and hands him a plane ticket, saying, "And if you do, I'll be waiting. And this time, on your time. On your terms." Shyeah. Right. At last, a car horn does actually honk. Demon looks like he wants to hug Mike, or say something else, but he just. Leaves. Yes!
Debbie's. Emmett walks down the stairs and calls for everyone's attention, "everyone" being Brian's Lesbians, Jennifer, Debbie, and Vic. Emmett grins, "Remember that little twink in the midriff tee and fatigues who went up the stairs? Well, just take a look at who is coming down." Justin makes his entrance, all duded up in a tuxedo, hair slicked back and up to hell and gone. Looks pretty good. Everyone oohs and aahs. Vic grins, "Well, what do you know. The little chicken's become cock of the walk." Justin looks pretty pleased with himself. So, you know. The usual. Melanie laughs, "Jesus, I could go for him myself." St. L. adds, "If I don't beat you to him!" Yes, Justin looks so good that he's giving the lesbians hard-ons. We get it.
St. James prom, a.k.a. Baby Babylon. The kids boogie away, but they all seem to have taken dancing lessons from Gale Harold. The camera pans to Justin and Daphne, who both dance pretty well. You know, she being black and he being gay, and all. Daphne's wearing a fluffy orange prom dress, and while that color isn't my favorite, she looks just adorable, doesn't she? Chris Hobbes -- definitely Gale's star pupil -- is trying to pay attention to his beard, but can't take his eyes off Justin.
Aunt Betty's. Emmett has come along for Ted's visit later that evening. Ted goes to the front desk and asks for Blake. The attendant says that Blake checked himself out. Ted replies that Blake just checked himself in that afternoon. Nevertheless, he's gone. Ted walks over to Blake's room, and yup, he's gone. Emmett marvels that people can leave whenever they want. That's why it's called "checking yourself in." Ted asks whether Blake said where he was going, or left a message. The attendant asks whether he's Ted, rummages around, and hands him...La Traviata. Ted, shocked, walks out, letting the CD fall out of his hands and onto the floor.
Baby Babylon. Brian walks into the room and surveys his acolytes. He walks up to Justin and Daphne. Daphne sees him first. Justin can't believe it. Justin stalks past Hobbes, who's trying to make out with his beard. Hobbes looks up and can't believe it, either. Brian looks way hot -- black jacket over a black shirt and pants, white scarf wrapped around his neck. If I weren't engaged...and he weren't gay...and not real...I'd probably be looking across a bar at him thinking, "Wow, he's really hot." Justin can't stop grinning. Daphne's all, "Cool. Drama!" Justin says that he thought Brian wouldn't be caught dead there. Brian says something dumb about "recapturing his lost youth." Justin got lost? Daphne giggles. Brian tells Daphne that she looks hot, and gives her a kiss on the forehead, adding, "I'd fuck you." So not fair. Daphne giggles, and babbles, "You too, Brian." Brian asks whether he may borrow Justin. Daphne agrees. Brian drags Justin to the middle of the dance floor, and on cue, "Save the Last Dance For Me" starts playing, the lights dim, and other couples form a semi-circle to watch. Chris Hobbes's head is about to explode. Foreshadowing loves this song. Brian drapes the scarf around Justin's neck, as they do a reasonably good waltz. You couldn't chip that smile off Justin's face. Brian looks pretty pleased, too. They switch into a tango. The kids around them register various degrees of disgust and curiosity. Justin is so in love. This was actually pretty cool of Brian. Slightly misguided, but wow, what a thrill for Justin.
Cut to Mike, alone in the Lair, staring at the plane ticket on the table.
Back to the prom. More dancing. Justin takes off Brian's jacket and tosses it to Daphne. Good luck getting that back, Brian. Brian twirls Justin all over the dance floor, and then bends him over backwards. I admit it. I cheered. Gale and Randy play this whole thing with such joy. The dance ends with Brian picking Justin up and twirling him around some more, as they kiss. Hobbes, other than seeing red, can't see anything but them. Grinning, Brian drags Justin off the dance floor.
The airport. Mike rushes to his gate. He asks a stray stewardess whether his flight is still there. She tells them that they've started boarding, and that if he wants to make it, he'd better book.
Prom Hotel Garage. Justin's still gleefully singing and dancing. Brian laughs. Justin's like, wow, did you see everyone's faces? Brian says that it was definitely a prom no one's going to forget. Justin says he'll never forget it, either. Brian wraps the scarf around Justin's neck as Justin gasps, "It's the best night of my life." Brian grins, "Even if it was ridiculously romantic." They kiss sweetly. Justin still can't stop smiling. Brian says goodbye and gets into his Jeep, and Justin steps back to watch him drive off. Brian grins at Justin in the rearview mirror...and sees Chris Hobbes step up behind him. Brian calls out to warn Justin, and the boy turns around just in time to get hit in the head with a baseball bat. I've watched it, like, three times already, and I'm still, like, Jesus Christ. Brian jumps out of the car and pushes Chris down on the ground, then takes the baseball bat and hits the little fucker in the knee with it. Kiss your football career goodbye, asshole. Brian then runs over to Justin, who's not moving at all. Brian bends over, uttering "no no no no" over and over.
The airport. Mike's about to go on the runway, but he can't make his carry-on bag fit in the "your carry-on must fit in this space" display. I always worry about that, too.
Cut to the plane, where Demon sits in First Class, looking out the window. Demon looks back at the empty seat beside him, and nervously dusts it off. Thank God you get free booze in First Class.
Back in the terminal, Mike's still trying to get the carry-on to fit when his cell phone rings. Mike pulls it out of his pocket and looks at the caller ID number. Three guesses as to who it is. He answers it, walking up the gangplank. He listens for a moment, stopping dead in his tracks, and drops his bag. Cut to Demon, still waiting.
The hospital. An overhead shot of the EMT opening the back of the ambulance. She pulls out a stretcher on which Justin lies, blood all over his head and chest. I hope to God they left Hobbes in that garage to fuckin' rot. Brian steps out behind them, blood on his neck and mouth. He looks old. He carries his scarf, also drenched in blood.
Cut to the hospital corridor. Brian sits all by himself, staring off into space. Mike walks into the camera's view, and drops down silently to his best friend. Brian's just devastated. He thinks back to the last time they all were in this hospital, Justin, Brian and Mike happily chasing each other down the corridor, when Gus was born. Slowly, Mike turns to look down the corridor, where Justin's stretcher went. Cut to black.
Wow.
First of all, I'd like to thank Wing for giving this gig. And everyone who's been reading the recaps this season. And everyone who sent me email. You've made this has a really great experience for me, so thanks again, y'all. See you year.