Well, QaF wastes no time working my last nerve: they decided to do this "recap" of the last few episodes, see? Because it's been such a long hiatus and they don't realize that most of you spent it watching your tapes of the show over and over. So, they start with Brian, "who won't let a little thing like his Dad's death [cut to snow-covered graveyard scene] get in the way of good sex [cut to threesome in the loft]." Right away, we have a problem, because the threesome was before the funeral, not after. My God, read the recaps. That's not the point, of course -- the point is to remind you that there's hot gay male sex on this show, and that you should stay tuned for some more hot gay male sex. Got that? Continuity is just getting screwed along with everyone else. And so it goes: we're told that if we think Mike and Dave [cut to them kissinghotgaymalesex] are "copacetic" [That's a big word, and if you don't know what it means, look it up and learn something], then why was Dave caught in the baths [cut to Dave getting caught by Brianhotmalesex]? We're told about Ted saving Blake and taking him in [cut to Ted and Blake kissinghotgaymalesex], and Emmett's not really happy about it, but Ted doesn't care. And Justin? Well, Justin's not going to Dartmouth, he's going to the Pittsburgh Institute of Art. You know, in Pittsburgh? Where the show is set? And then my dinner is endangered when they remind me that he slepthotmalesex with Daphne. Who's not even in this episode, by the way, so thanks for passing the salt, there. They wrap it all up with Brian giving his parental rights away to Melanie, so that she and Lindsay could get back together. They don't mention Guillaume, and that's fine, although I'd rather that they'd mentioned Guillaume than reminded me about Justin and Daphne. And then there's some blather about "but where will all these new beginnings lead?" Well, they will eventually lead to my taking a Caribbean cruise at the beginning of July, so let's get going, shall we?
"One Two Three Four, Shake it, Dude!" Hot! Dancing! Gay! Boys! The opening credits still crack me up.
We open with some oiled-up, musclebound, quite naked young man at a photo shoot, wearing a crown and a velvet-and-ermine cape, and holding a royal orb over the family jewels. They spend enough time on it for us to fully realize that he's naked, wearing a crown and a velvet-and-ermine cape, and holding an orb over the family jewels, and then a little more time for us to wonder why, and then a little more time for us to wonder why this scene is taking so long and go to the fridge and grab a cider and sit back down again. The last shot finally shows him on a poster, announcing the "King of Babylon" contest. We will never see that young man live again. Cut to the poster on the front door of the Liberty Diner, as two patrons enter. In the background, Debbie moves toward another poster in the back -- past The Boys sitting at the counter -- and slaps a big "Tonight" sticker on it. Debbie says that she can't believe it's been a whole year, already, and Justin asks, a year since what? Because, even though he works at the diner every day, and there's, like, at least two posters in the place, and they've probably been up there a few days, it hasn't occurred to him to ask until now, or to realize what she's talking about, despite the fact that she walks right past him with the "Tonight" sticker, and he was looking right at her when she put it on the poster. Emmett explains. Mike, in a non-clever, non-subtle take-off on Miss America, snorts that everyone looks forward to the contest, and a week later no one remembers the winner. Ted remembers last year's winner, though, down to the size of his dick. Surprise! Blake, to him, wryly asks whether he should be jealous. Ted grins and gives him a sweet kiss. Mike (Hello, Demon!) and Emmett (Hello, GayNoMore!) exchange a skeptical look, because they're really suited to judge. Brian sneers, "Who cares about a bunch of steroid gym bunnies dancing around in their shorts, anyway?" Debbie grins that she'd think he would, since he had sex with all of last year's contestants. Probably didn't even have to convince them that he was a judge first, either. The Boys laugh at Brian's expense. Justin shakes his head and wonders who would do that type of thing. Mike asks, "Who wouldn't fuck Brian?" Shut up, Michael. Justin's already had sex with Brian, like, a gazillion times, unlike you, so that's probably not what he's talking about, huh? Justin clarifies that he meant stripping in front of all of those people. No one said anything about stripping. How does Justin know that the King of Babylon contest has to do with stripping if he apparently didn't even know there was a King of Babylon contest? Oh, wait, he probably made an educated guess. Ted says that the prize is $1000 and a trip to the Bahamas, so, like, a lot of guys would. Out of nowhere, Emmett snorts, "Especially if they're on drugs -- please, they'll do anything." Huh? Where did that come from? Ted glares at Emmett, because, you know, Blake used to be a junkie, and wow, a total non sequitur is such a subtle way for dialogue to create tension, not. Emmett smiles tightly at Blake and apologizes.
Later, The Boys -- plus Blake but minus Justin -- walk to their respective homes/cars. Ted tells them, "Blake acknowledges his addiction, and he's working on it." Blake adds that he's been going to meetings at the Gay and Lesbian Center. Nobody cares. Emmett changes the subject by asking whether they're up for Babylon later on that evening. Mike says that he doesn't know whether Demon's going to want to go, since it's so late. Like Demon would want to go if it's early? Or at all? Brian says something dumb about Demon's being really old. Mike snaps that Demon actually gets up at six every morning to run five miles, while Brian's still in bed. Brian then says something dumb to the effect that bed is where he gets his best cardio workout. So, they haven't fired the intern who writes his lines yet. Oh, well, there's always season. Although, with my luck, they'll probably make the intern a head writer. If he isn't already. Mike says that he's sure Demon would go if Mike asked him. Brian's like, fine, then make sure he comes. To Babylon, that is. Ahem. Mike's like, fine, I will. Brian's like, fine, and they do that back and forth for a little while, and it's actually pretty funny. Emmett asks Ted whether he and Blake are going, and Ted shrugs that Babylon really isn't a "drug-free environment." Brian growls that Blake's a big boy who can take care of himself. What the hell got up Brian's tutu? Blake adds that he's fine, so I guess that means they'll be there, too. Brian rolls his eyes, because he's satisfied by nothing. Emmett's like, great, and then frowns because it's turning into couples' night, and he's the only one who's single. Brian, undisclosed object firmly up ballet costume, asks what the hell Emmett thinks Brian's status is. On cue, Justin runs up to Brian, grabs his arm, and asks whether they're going to Babylon. Emmett busts up laughing. Brian pushes Emmett down the street.
Demon's Lair. Demon's bent over the bed, folding laundry and putting it away. Mike comes out of the bathroom, brushing his teeth. We get a shot in between Demon's legs of Mike standing in the doorway of the bathroom. Mike says something unintelligible (because of the toothpaste in his mouth). Demon's like, the hell? Mike scampers into the bathroom, spits, and then scampers back out to repeat, "Those jeans are old and too tight," grinning, "How come I've never seen them before?" Demon chuckles that he only wears them when he doesn't have any more clean clothes. Mike: "Well, you must stop doing laundry, immediately." Ha! Mike asks Demon whether he feels like going out and watching the King of Babylon contest. Demon good-naturedly scoffs that he's "too old for that shit." Mike says that he isn't, but he, really, really is, and so are you, Michael. Mike adds, "If the guys saw how incredibly sexy you look in those jeans, they'd probably stop..." He pauses but not before piquing Demon's curiosity. Stop what? Uh, nothing. No, seriously what? Uh, referring to you as a geriatric? "They'd probably stop making comments about adult diapers and denture cream, and, uh, penile implants." Demon's all, penile implants?! Mike shrugs and goes back to the bathroom to rinse. Demon takes a look at himself in the mirror, pulling up his shirt to show cut abs and a nice tight waist, and I'm sorry -- personality deficiencies aside, there ain't much wrong with that. Any of The Boys would be lucky to get their hands on a body like that. I mean, have you people seen Gale Harold's chest? Practically concave. I speak only God's truth.
Meanwhile, back at Babylon, The Boys plus Blake wait outside in the cold for Mike and his Demon companion. Brian, wind still blowing up the tulle, sneers that he knew they wouldn't show, and says something dumb about Mike's giving Demon a prostate massage. Emmett drawls that there are worse ways to spend an evening. I'm leaving that one alone. Mike and Demon walk up, and Mike apologizes for being late: "We had to wait for [Demon] to do his thousand sit-ups." Demon stomps around in the cold, turning some, and we get a zoom-in shot of the ripped-up butt of his jeans. You can't really see much butt, actually, but that doesn't stop Emmett from being impressed, anyway. Demon blushes, and I become more and more concerned because he hasn't done anything to piss me off, yet. And he still looks really good. So, where the hell is my cognitive dissonance? Brian changes the subject by ordering them all inside.
Babylon! HDGBs in sailor slut regalia dance on a stage against a background proclaiming, "King of Babylon," while glitter falls on the crowds below. How's that for a run-on sentence? Our merry band of brothers makes its way down the stairs. Ted suggests that they go to the bar for a drink, but everyone else wants to head to the dance floor, leaving Ted and Blake at the bottom of the stairs. Blake sadly grins, "I guess I won't be winning any popularity contests." Ted says it's not Blake's problem -- it's the Boys' problem. Hypocrisy is remarkably even-handed. Ted tries to lead Blake to the bar, but Blake's stopped by a taller, floppy-haired guy who says that he hasn't seen Blake around in a while. He's wearing a leather jacket, so we know he's a drug dealer. Blake tries to brush him off, but the dealer -- whose name is Dino -- just won't let him go. He asks whether Blake needs a "favor," but Blake says no, and lets Ted lead him away. Ted pseudo-casually asks who that was, and Blake first says that it was "nobody," but on Ted's look, confesses that Dino was indeed his dealer. Ted's face falls. Blake amends that: "Ex-dealer." Ted panics that they shouldn't have come to Babylon in the first place. Blake says that it's fine, that he's fine, and that Ted's just going to have to trust him, okay? Ted sighs that he does trust Blake, and then suggests that they dance.
In the middle of the melee, an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, heralding the arrival of "Sheba, Queen of Babylon." A fierce drag queen, dressed in the finest of Cleopatra costumes (what do you want from me? She's supposed to be Sheba, but the costume's clearly Cleopatra) enters, borne on a litter carried by four loinclothed HDGBs. Some girls get all the luck. She stumbles out of the chariot, almost falling, and snarks about keeping "the royal tits intact." Then she shoos her bearers off: "Go away now -- go play with yourselves." The crowd roars with laughter, because Drag Queens are cool. I don't know why. They just are. Sheba welcomes everyone to the King of Babylon contest, "where the competition is stiff, and so are the contestants!" Everyone cheers. Sheba then says that people can still sign up to "drop trou and win a thou." Clever. Now let's wrap this up. Thank you. Sheba introduces the first contestant:"Four-Alarm Fred -- he'll light your fire and put it out." She makes way for a professional dancer dressed as a fireman -- a very cute, prematurely balding fireman. The camera cuts back and forth between his slo-mo striptease and the frenzied crowd. On the other side of the dance floor, Brian sneers, "Shaved chest, pec implants, steroids, Hair Club for Men." Justin replies that it's sad, isn't it: "All these older guys, still partying way past their prime. They don't know when to stop." Brian glares at Justin like he's not sure whether Justin's teasing him. Justin continues, giving Brian the old elevator look: "So, how about the real thing?" Brian frowns and snorts, "Check back with me in an hour." Snicker. Justin's all, what do you mean check back with you in an hour?! "So, I'm a backup plan? Who you do when all else fails?" Justin pouts. No! Really?! Keep up, bunny. Brian once again reminds Justin that they're not a couple. Justin demands to know what they are, then. The universe screams back, "NOT A COUPLE, THAT'S FOR SURE." Brian shrugs, "I don't know about you, but I'm single," and saunters off, leaving Justin simmering. Cut back to Four-Alarm Fred, turned around and pulling off his jockstrap. Finally, he finishes his routine by straddling a silver fire hose. The slobbering hordes just can't get enough. Sigh.
A mall restroom. Vic enters and walks up to one of the urinals. He starts to pee, and then another guy walks up and takes the urinal right to him, even though there are, like, three others available. I believe that's a men's restroom faux pas, is it not? The other guy says hi to Vic. Vic cautiously returns the greeting. He checks the guy out, and notices that he's sort of, uh, rubbing his dick. Not jerking it or anything, just rubbing it. And for the first time tonight, I contemplate the odd twists and turns my life has taken, leading me to this part-time job describing fake masturbation. Vic turns back to his own urinal. Now, at this point, I would have zipped up and bailed, but I guess Vic's intrigued, or just had an extra-large soda or something, 'cause he just hangs there. The other guy decides that it's conversation time, and asks Vic what he's "into." Vic says he's into shopping, dinner, and a movie. He then babbles about a new Julia Roberts flick and how much he loves her. The other guy nods and asks Vic whether he wants to "do something." He's creepy. Vic sighs, and says that public restrooms aren't his "scene." But not telling men that are coming onto him that he's HIV-positive is? Whatever. And Vic's been gay how long, again? He can't smell a set-up like this? Has he learned nothing from George Michael, other than that you gotta get up to get down? The other guy asks him whether he wants to go someplace else. Vic just kind of looks at him and doesn't say anything.
Meanwhile, back at Babylon, Emmett wanders aimlessly through the crowd. In voice-over, Emmett's thinking, "My God, it's so loud in here, you can barely hear yourself think!" The music quiets down, and Emmett adds, "Oh. That's better." He muses that he doesn't know why he still comes to Babylon, because it's always the same -- he's not interested in the guys who are interested in him, and the guys he's interested in aren't interested in him, and welcome to the world, baby girl. And what the hell is he complaining about? Emmett gets laid all the time. He's always partying down with some random guy while Ted and Mike sulk on the sidelines. And then the crowds part, revealing, at the end, a young man with Emmett's same build, but a floppier haircut. And really, really wide eyes. Suddenly, the music dies down, and is replaced by the instrumental version of "Maria" from the Tony and Maria meet-and-greet scene in West Side Story. Great, there goes another one of my favorite movies, down the drain. Emmett and his doppelganger draw closer, hardly believing their eyes. The lights dim; they lean in, they lean away. They turn their backs on each other and then turn around again, all as I become an angry and embittered young woman. They even extend they arms and snap their fingers at the same time, at which point my head explodes. Thankfully, the music comes back on, and we're back in Babylon, while Emmett and his doppelganger admire each other in awe.
Sheba introduces Officer O'Reilly: "Pretty arresting, don't you think? Officer, I just got a parking ticket -- strip-search me!" Officer O'Reilly, a.k.a. The Black Guy at Babylon, rips off his shirt and gets down to business.
Meanwhile, back at the bar, Demon pontificates, "The problem with this contest is that it exposes the single most tragic flaw of gay culture." Brian laughs that it exposes a lot more than that. Demon continues, "An almost pathological obsession with youth, beauty, and smooth, muscular bodies." Shyeah. And this makes you different from straight guys, how, again? Brian looks at him in bewilderment, and then agrees that that's a damn shame, isn't it? Only he's being sarcastic. Michael looks back and forth between them like it's a tennis match. Demon adds, "Until we break free of our stunted adolescence and our superficial values, we'll always be boys, never men." Again, not seeing any difference between gay men and straight men, but thanks anyway, Mr. Sullivan. Brian sneers some more. Mike pipes up that he thinks that what Demon said is "profoundly insightful." Shut up, Michael. To no one's surprise, Brian snorts that Demon's full of shit: "An opinion put forth as truth by a bunch of hypocritical, jealous, guilt-ridden, self-loathing, middle-aged, sexually-frustrated, pseudo-intellectual fags who wish they were straight." Hmm. Methinks Demon's remarks hit home a little. Demon laughs at Brian. Michael glares at Brian. Babylon's only black patron dances on. Demon asks Brian why he doesn't sign up for the contest, and Brian snaps that he doesn't need to dance around in his underwear in order to get laid. Demon thinks it's because Brian can't handle the competition. (See: comment about the concave-chest problem.) Demon chuckles; I chuckle with him, and then gasp in horror and immediately grab Coop's lighter so that I can immolate myself (again, look it up). Brian saunters away. Michael looks like he's worried, but he doesn't know why, and then supposes that Brian's going to sign himself up. Demon's pretty sure he's not. From a swing high above the crowd, Sheba introduces their contestant: "Mohammed. He's a master yoga instructor from Rick's Gym. He can perform auto-fellatio -- what the fuck's that? If that's giving a blow job in your car, then I'm a master, too!" Ha. Ha. Ha. Mohammed is dressed like a Buddhist monk -- but not for long. He rips off his skirt and twirls around the pole. Did I forget to mention the pole? Anyway, Mohammed's hot, for a professional dancer.
As Sheba leaves the backstage area, one of her minions lights her cigarette as she swears about the wilting flowers on her costume, and says she's got another gig tomorrow. I swear to God those flowers are fake, but whatever. On her way to...wherever, she passes Justin moping in a corner, and asks the youngster what's up. Justin says it's nothing. Sheba looks at him some more. Justin says it's this "guy." Sheba's like, it's always some guy. What did this one do? Justin says that this one takes him for granted. Sheba points out that Justin could have anyone he wants. Justin says that he knows that, which is why it's so irritating! Okay, rein it in there, Dawson. Sheba says that perhaps it's time this guy knows that. And then, hit with a brilliant idea, Sheba adds, "Maybe everyone needs to know it."
Liberty Diner. The drag queen working the counter calls out and tells Debbie she has a phone call. I'm not sure we actually needed more than one drag queen this episode, but I guess when you've got a hammer, you might as well use it. Debbie cheerfully answers the phone; it's Vic. Vic tells her not to panic, and then tells her he's been arrested, and not to tell anyone, not even Michael. Yeah, because that's going to happen. Cut to Vic sitting in front of a desk at the police station, his back to the camera. He tells her that he was at the mall, and he went to pee. Debbie interrupts, "What did they charge you with, not flushing?" Personally, I've always thought that should be a crime. Zoom around Vic; the little flashing light closes in as Vic responds, "Indecent exposure." Vic swears that he's innocent, but asks Debbie to come down to the station, and bring his meds with her, because he's an hour late in taking them. I don't know how these things work, exactly, but wouldn't most people take some with them? I mean, for something that important, wouldn't you carry along extra? Debbie tells him not to worry about anything; she's on her way.
Babylon! Emmett and True Love Guy are still standing in the middle of the dance floor, staring at each other, transfixed. Classical music that I know that I should recognize plays in the background as Emmett gasps, "I can't explain it. It's like we've known each other --"And TLG picks up, "-- all of our lives." God, this is dumb. Emmett continues, "Exactly. It's like I've been waiting for you." And True Love Guy adds, "And I've been waiting for you." And me without my insulin. Emmett: "Two halves of the same soul --" True Love Guy: "-- that have finally met." Emmett says that it's "wild." Emmett then pulls back into West Side Story and babbles, "Look, I know this is rather forward of me -- I mean, I realize that we just met -- but would you mind, that is?" True Love Guy tells him to go right ahead, and they kiss. And then, Quick Flash to the Back Room of Sex, where True Love Guy is getting the ultimate fake blow job from Emmett. TLG's moaning and groaning all over the place. Peter Paige's head keeps moving around frenetically, and it still looks totally fake, but then I get kind of concerned, because, wait, is that what it's supposed to look like? Huh. Oh well -- as Elvira said, "No complaints yet." TLG finally comes, screaming, eyes crossed, yada yada. Other people in the Backroom of Sex applaud their performance, and then go back to their respective hotgaymalesex acts. Emmett gets off his knees and, delicately wiping the corners of his mouth (oh, TMI!), asks, "Was that all right, my love?" True Love Guy gasps, "It was like Christmas, and New Year's, and my birthday all rolled up into one." Emmett frowns, "Not the Fourth of July?" TLG catches his breath and growls, "Well, I'm saving that for you!" And throws Emmett against the wall. Whaddaya think, this crap will end up being? Say, ten minutes of my life I'm never getting back?
Back at the bar, The Boys continuing watching as everyone else gets their groove things on. Blake excuses himself, and Ted, worried, asks where he's going. Blake's just going to the bathroom; cool your jets, Eeyore. Once he bails, Mike adds fuel to the fire and wonders whether it's a good idea to let Blake go to the restroom alone. Ted: "Would you like me to hold it for him?" Brian and I snicker. Mike, never one to let a damn thing go, is like, remember what happened last time? No, and thank God you're here to remind him. Jesus Christ. Ted replies, "It's called trust." You know, Mike, that thing you have that makes you believe Demon's not going to run off and go get jerked off at the bathhouse again? Demon, of course, has nothing to add to this conversation. Shut up, Michael. Brian, who's continuing to be the biggest bitch this evening, sneers, "Trust that he'll end up in the Emergency Room." Ted's done with both of them: "Maybe he'll disappoint you both. Maybe he'll actually be all right." Brian throws an arm around Ted's neck, leans in, and asks, "When you were a boy, did you save the birds with the broken wings?" Like that's a bad thing, Mr. Calls-Mikey-to- come over-to- pull-splinters-out-of- his-finger? Ted pulls away and snaps, "What did you do, tear them off?" The thing of it is, Blake really hasn't given Ted any reason not to trust him, other than the drug-addiction thing. And even after the overdose incident, Blake still called an ambulance and waited to make sure it showed up. I mean, I would have thought they would have all gotten over it after Ted discovered that Blake didn't steal his wallet. And he cooks, for God's sake. And not a damn one of The Boys is perfect, so shut UP, Brian.
Emmett walks up with TLG and introduces him as "a very special someone" named...well, actually, he doesn't know TLG's name, yet. True Love Guy says that it's Brent. The Boys look at each other like, uh huh, so I guess they're not always wrong. The Boys say hi, Mike adding, "Anyone who's special to Emmett is special to us." Brent's like, who? Emmett says that he's Emmett. The Boys grin, because this is just getting better and better. Demon asks how long they've known each other, and Emmett replies, "In this lifetime, only a brief while. But I believe that in past lives, we've known each other many times." Brent nods his head in agreement. Uh huh. Brent: "It's the only explanation for how we could have so much in common." Emmett gushes that you couldn't believe how much they have in common! Like the fact that they're both wrapped up in this dumb-ass throwaway subplot! Better luck life! Emmett's like, "We both love Brad Pitt!" Brent: "Clinique for Men." Together: "Especially when they're having a sale." Demon's not sure this is a joke. You and me both, Doc. Emmett and Brent continue that they both like green onion potato chips, and they have the same favorite song, "Somewhere Out There." Way out there. Mike invites Brent to have a drink with them, and Ted starts to stew. Mike's like, what's up? Ted's like, you just met Brent and everybody's all buddy-buddy with him, but Blake just gets shut out. Mike lames that he doesn't know what to say to Blake: "'So, I hear you almost killed my friend. So, you passed out on the bathroom floor, you wanna be buds?'" So, Ted falsely accused you of stealing his wallet and it turned out you didn't. And I hear you cook? Can I buy you a beer? Have I already told Mike to shut up tonight? Ted snaps that he thought that if anyone would have given Blake a chance, it would have been Mike. You know, what with his fucked-up relationships with Brian and Demon and all. And don't Brian and Mike and Emmett all use drugs? Hello? Oh, right, but they're not addicts. Whatever.
The Happy Fun House. The doorbell rings, and Melanie Marcus makes her way down the stairs to answer it. It's Debbie, frantic. She says she tried to call first, and Melanie Marcus tells her that they turn the phone off at night, because it wakes Gus up. Which seems to me to be a double-edged sword, because if someone is trying to call you that late, it's probably an emergency, and it leads to things like frantic women knocking at your door because they couldn't reach you by phone, which I assume would wake the baby, too, but what do I know? I'm not a screenwriter, so perhaps I just don't understand how these things work. And maybe if I had to sit there and figure out how to get all these people in one room, I would have to come up with an explanation that lame. St. L.'s joined them by this time, as Debbie explains that Vic's in jail, and why. Debbie tells them that Vic says he's innocent, but obviously he needs a lawyer, so that's why she's here. Melanie Marcus immediately says that she'll go get dressed. St. L. lets a lack of sleep get the best of her and asks, "Well, if he didn't do anything wrong, why did they arrest him?" And if you don't know the answer to that, what planet are you living on? Melanie Marcus shakes her head and says it's just typical harassment of gays: "Cops just like playing 'capture the fag.'" Debbie, however, gets all upset that St. L. could think Vic did something wrong. Because he didn't! Dammit! Nice going, Lindsay. MM's like, it's all cool, gimme a minute to get dressed, and we'll go. St. L. watches her go up the stairs, and then turns back to face a glaring Debbie. Oops.
Babylon! The Boys have moved to one of the upper balconies, still watching everyone else have a life. Man, they never do anything. Justin sidles up to Brian and says, "You said to check back with you in an hour." Looo-ser! Couldja be a little more pathetic, there, Justin? Brian's like, I've got eight minutes left. Because he's so worth this abuse, right, Justin? Justin follows Brian's gaze down to a guy on the dance floor -- wearing a t-shirt that says "Dreamboy" -- with whom he is exchanging The Look of Homosexual Acknowledgement. Justin snorts, "He has zits on his ass, a tragic endowment, and is just getting over a nasty case of gonorrhea." And you, on the other hand, are a loo-ser! Brian doesn't care, anyway. Justin gives it one last shot: "Well, if I were you, I wouldn't wait too long. By then I might have other plans." And stomps off. Whatever, Justin. Bye now.
The restroom. Blake's washing his hands, as Dino leans against the wall nearby. Dino asks what's up with him, and Blake tells him it's nothing. Dino asks him who his "friend" is, and Blake says it's no one. The dealer notes that they look pretty tight, though, and Blake gets all defensive. The dealer asks why Blake didn't introduce them, and Blake snaps, "He wouldn't like you." Why? He seems like such a nice guy. Dino grins, "Even if I offered him a 'favor'?" Blake says that Ted wouldn't be interested. The dealer pulls out a small baggie of something or another, and the screen does that swoosh-flash thing as Blake stares at it. Dino says it's "great stuff." Blake says that he's not interested, either, and walks out. Yay, Blake!
Blake's about to head up the stairs to join the boys (Which makes no sense, seeing as he left them downstairs at the bar), when Ted, waiting at the bottom of the stairs, grabs his arm. Blake's a little upset that Ted was waiting outside the restroom for him, and he accuses Ted of trying to check up on him; Ted tries to play it off with a joke about "meeting the cutest guys here." While they're ODed on the floor. Ha. Ha. Ha. Blake snaps that he's fine, just as the dealer walks out and in between them, giving Blake a knowing look. Ted assures Blake that he believes him, but Blake turns away when Ted tries to give him a kiss. Blake says that they should go find the rest of the gang, but Ted tells him he'd rather just be alone with Blake.
Back on the stage, Sheba has changed into Marilyn Monroe's dress from The Seven Year Itch. She introduces Dwayne, who's dressed as a biker. Professional dancer, hot, both nipples pierced. . Oblivious, Emmett and Brent walk through the crowd, to the tune of "Dance of the Sugarplum Fairies." Cute. Emmett tells Brent that he always dreamed of living in a little cottage. Brent gasps, "With a little garden out back?" Emmett continues, "Where I can grow lavender and daffodils, and wear a big sun bonnet...that ties under the chin." God. The two of them continue this idyllic fantasy, adding home-cooked gourmet meals, snuggling in front of the fire, and long nature walks. Kill me now. Brent sighs, looks over the balcony for a beat, and then tells Emmett not to go away, because he'll be right back. Emmett says he won't move an inch, and Brent kisses him and takes off.
Back at the bar, Mike's clapping along to the music, but Demon's bored and asks, "You've had enough pulsating, grinding flesh for one evening?" Ah, there's the Demon I've grown to know and hate. Mike says he's ready to go whenever. Brian saunters up and says that they can't leave yet: "You'll miss my big number." Mike's like, shyeah, whatever, Brian's not going up there. Brian says that if they leave, they'll never know.
Onstage, Sheba waves goodbye to Dwayne and says, "If Dwayne becomes King, he'll be the ruler by which all others are measured. And I oughta know -- I measured him myself." Ba dum bump. Reading off a pink index card -- very cute -- Sheba adds, "Our contestant likes younger men. His favorite pastime is feeling superior, and his special skill is manipulating people." At the bar, Demon snickers at Brian, "Must be you." Self-awareness is not a big thing with any of these people, is it? Sheba tells everyone to welcome "Pittsburgh's hunkiest chiropractor, Dr. David Cameron!" Demon's shocked and snarls at Brian, "You asshole!" Brian shrugs innocently. Mike looks bewildered, as usual. The floor applauds, as Sheba calls Demon's name again. Mike tells Brian that he thought Brian was signing up himself! Obviously not. Brian: "Now, why would I do that? You know I find this obsession with youth and abs and sex so appalling." Mike assures his Demon lover that he doesn't need to go up there. Demon says that he has no intention of doing so. Mike snorts, "Thank God. You don't want to make a fool of yourself, dancing around in your underwear, at your age." Demon's like, say what? And I have to agree -- he has a better body than any of the rest of The Boys. Brian confirms that it was just a joke, but now Demon's back's up, and he asks whether they really think he can't do it. Sheba calls him a couple more times, and finally Demon shrugs at Michael and heads out to the stage. Demon gingerly approaches the pole, but starts to get into it as he unbuttons his shirt. Michael folds his arms tight across his chest, about to burst into flames. Brian and the crowd love it. Demon even rips off his undershirt, and I have to admit, this is great, even if he is a big, fat hypocrite. It's like the only time all season Chris Potter's looked like he's having a good time. Michael is very, very upset. Bonus! Demon unbuttons his jeans, turns around, and drops 'em. I think a few guys actually fainted out there.
The Police Station. Melanie Marcus and Debbie ask for Vic at the front desk. The desk sergeant tells them that Vic's still being processed. MM asks how much bail will be. The officer tells them $5,000. For indecent exposure? What did he do, moon the President? That's a little high. Which is what Melanie says, but the officer replies that Vic has a arrest for possession of an illegal substance. Debbie explains that Vic was pulled over ten years ago, with a joint in his glove compartment. What was the policeman doing in his glove compartment? Melanie Marcus asks why Debbie didn't say anything, and Debbie says that neither one of them has ever been a squealer. When Debbie tells the officer that Vic is HIV-positive and needs to take his drugs, the sergeant snorts, "Oh. Figures." Nice. He adds that drugs aren't allowed in the holding cell, and that they'll have to wait until the prison doctor can check him out. Debbie says that Vic's life depends on his taking his drugs on time, and the sergeant sneers, "If he's so sick, what was he doing hanging out in the men's restroom?" Debbie snaps, "Taking a piss!" The cop shakes his head and turns back to his paperwork. Melanie Marcus leads Debbie away.
Babylon! Demon, sans shirt, walks back to the bar, followed by a bevy of HDGBs trying to give him their phone numbers. Ha! Demon's loving it. Mike stomps up, rips the pieces of paper out of their hands and shrieks, "Do you mind?! He's already taken!" Demon tries not to laugh. Mike tells him to "wipe that grin off [his] face, and put [his] shirt on!" adding, "I don't want to hear another word!" He grabs Demon by the ear, and leads him off the dance floor.
Meanwhile, Emmett's wandering around looking for Brent, and Justin's wandering around looking for Brian. Justin sees Brian talking to Dreamboy. Justin's little heart just breaks, because he's a LOOOOSER! Go join the Sixers in the corner over there, Justin. Of course, they have more class than you do. And way more game. But maybe if you beg, they'll let you be a ball boy. Justin finds Sheba, dressed like Queen Elizabeth and conveniently standing right behind him, and whispers something in her ear.
Sheba goes back onstage and introduces the contestant, who "likes the Powerpuff Girls, margaritas, and older men who take him for granted." Guess who? It's Justin -- who, in the last two seconds, has taken off his shirt and grabbed a cowboy hat and a tattered vest from somewhere. Okay, now Justin has the body of a twelve-year old girl, is horribly pale, has no muscle tone at all, and his idea of dancing is to gyrate slowly around the pole, while chewing gum. That's it. I mean, the boy isn't even filling out his pants, on either side. So, of course, the crowd goes wild. Wild, I tell you! Brian and Dreamboy are both fascinated by this display, and not even horrified, as I am. Mike looks scared. Ted's shocked. Emmett cheers Justin on. I'm mortified for everyone involved. Brian sees that Dreamboy is all into Justin, so Brian kisses Dreamboy to regain his attention. Dreamboy kisses Brian back, but keeps his eyes open so that he can look at Justin. Burn! Justin's watching them, too. Brian tries to drag Dreamboy off, but Dreamboy wants to stay and watch. Gotta be kidding me. Justin strips down to his tightie whities, and drives me under the computer desk in embarrassment.
Emmett walks up to a lower landing on the stairs, which is where Brent finds him. It's supposed to look like a balcony scene. Emmett says that he was starting to worry, and Brent apologizes, "I got hung up." I'll bet. Emmett chirps, "That's okay; it gave me more time to miss you. And be even happier, now that you're back." Emmett leans in for a kiss and then pauses, "Is that cologne?" Brent's like, uh, I guess so. Emmett doesn't remember his ever wearing cologne. Brent: "I just started." Snicker. Emmett asks whether everything's all right, because Brent seems distant. Brent reassures him that everything's fine. Emmett grabs Brent's hand and tries to turn back to their cottage fantasy, but Brent stops him and confesses that everything isn't fine: "I can't lie to you. We've meant too much to each other for that. I've met someone new." Urrrrgh. Emmett: "Who? We've only been together an hour and forty-five minutes!" Brent stammers that he didn't mean for it to happen and swears that he never meant to hurt Emmett. Emmett runs away from him, trying not to cry.
Back onstage, Justin's finally finished, and soaks up the applause.
Meanwhile, Brent chases Emmett outside. Emmett screams at him, "How could you do this to me?! To us? After all that we've shared?" Harumph. Brent asks him to not make it harder than it has to be. Emmett: "You said that you've never felt so close to anyone in your whole life. That we were two halves of the same soul!" Brent shrugs, "Things change. People change." Emmett shrieks, "I haven't changed! I still love you." Emmett is so cute in this scene that he almost wins me over. But this is just asinine, and frankly, Peter Paige deserves better. And so do I, seriously. Brent replies, "Passion dies. You just have to accept it and move on." Emmett's like, fine, move on, "Who's stopping ya?" Brent walks away and then turns back to say, "I'll remember you. Always." Emmett sneers, "Yeah, how long is that? Until tomorrow?" Emmett yells after him, "I gave you the best minutes of my life!" And then he saunters off, in grand Barbra style.
Police Station. Debbie walks up to the desk sergeant again, and tries to make nicey-nice by commiserating with him about working the night shift, just like she does. She says that she often works sixteen hours straight to help pay Vic's medical bills. The sergeant looks annoyed. She says that's what you do if someone in the family needs help, and asks him whether anyone in his family who needs help. The cop confesses that his sister is a diabetic. Debbie asks who she is; turns out she's already lost a leg and is on the way to losing her sight. Debbie adds, "So, I imagine you'd swim the English Channel to be there for her, huh?" The cop shakes his head: "Actually, we don't see much of each other. We never really got along. Now, do you mind? I'm trying to work here." Ha. Ha. Ha. However, Debbie will not be deterred. She drops a packet of meds on the desk and says, "It's a few pills. It's a few fuckin' pills!" Melanie Marcus gently pulls her away from the desk. Debbie wonders how the heck they're going to get $5000.
Back at Babylon, Sheba once again takes the stage, in order to announce the winner. Yup. It's Justin. Dreamboy cheers. Brian frowns in disbelief as Justin is crowned. Sheba gives him a big hug, and tells the boy, "Now, whoever that asshole is who's been ignoring you, he's not taking you for granted anymore." Wanna make a bet? Justin makes his way back to Brian and Dreamboy, and asks Brian whether he saw him. Duh. Justin's like, well, what did you think? Brian speaks for every viewer watching and sneers, "I think that contest was rigged." Justin's face falls, because My God, get a life, Boy. Dreamboy's in awe -- Brian knows him?! Brian smirks, "I taught him everything he knows." Justin snaps back, "except how to dance."
SHOUT!
OUT!
Brian takes the burn, and Dreamboy lustfully gazes at Justin. Justin asks Dreamboy, "So, what's your name? I'd ask him, but I'm sure he doesn't know." Oh, he's all redeeming himself. A little more of this and he may be able to guard Shaq soon. Dreamboy says his name is Sean. Justin tells him that he's hot, too: "I was watching you...it made me want to fuck all night." Brian looks back and forth between the two of them, seriously not believing this is happening. Justin asks Sean whether he wants to bail, and Sean's all about that. Brian yells after Justin, "I thought we had plans." Justin laughs, "You couldn't do better, and I told you I might have plans, too." Yeah, but it wasn't supposed to be the same plan! Sean asks what Brian's problem is, like he didn't just walk away from him to go fuck Justin, and Justin shrugs, "He's just my stalker." Then Sean adds insult to injury by saying, "I suppose we could have a threeway. Only, he is kind of old." Justin laughs and informs Sean, "We're also kind of leaving."
Back on the dance floor, Demon has somehow gotten away from Michael, and is continuing his well-loathed, hypocritical ways by dancing with not one but two sweaty HDGBs. Mike finds him and snaps, "An hour ago, weren't you the one who was tired of all this pulsating flesh and wanted to go home?" Demon's all, "What's the rush?" Especially now that the hot guys find him attractive and all -- you know, at his age. Mike throws back the whole thing about the misplaced emphasis on blah blah blah sexcakes. Demon: "Well, maybe I was being a little judgmental." Mike tells him to try "hypocritical," but he's already tried that quite a few times. Demon pouts, "Now, who's being judgmental?" Shut up, Demon. Mike says he's just being honest: "Don't judge someone for something you wish you could do, but never had the guts." Mike stomps away, past Ted and Blake. Blake points out that Michael Novotny has left the building, and asks Ted whether he's going to go after him. Ted says he could care less: "I already told you, I'd rather be with you." Awww. Fuzzies! Blake smiles, but he asks whether Ted's friends have a problem with Blake. Ted says that Blake isn't coming between him and his friends, and that even if he were, it wouldn't matter. Blake presses the point; Ted replies, "If a friend of mine has a problem with you, all it means is that he was never my friend to begin with." Uh huh. He and Blake give each other a big relationship-affirming hug.
Brian, on the other hand, is trying to affirm something else. He goes downstairs to the Back Room of Sex, which I guess has been relocated. He watches Justin and Sean go at it under the stairs. The King is dead, all hail the King. Yeah, yeah, yeah. At least Brian can say he fucked this year's winner, too.
Outside the club, Mike's pulling on his gloves when Melanie Marcus and Debbie come running up. He asks them what they're doing there, and Melanie Marcus asks for Brian. They go back inside the club; Debbie explains the situation and asks whether Brian can help. Not on a Saturday night, unfortunately. Debbie asks whether a credit card would work, but the maximum withdrawal at an ATM is $500. Demon says that he can cover it, if they take a check. Melanie Marcus says that they will, but only if it's certified. Debbie swears, "Could they make this more fucking difficult?!" Yeah, too bad it isn't easier to get accused criminals out of jail. Melanie Marcus says that they're just going to have to call a bail bondsman, as Blake runs off to find Dino. He confers with him for a moment, and then goes back to the group. Blake hands Melanie Marcus a card and tells her to call the number on it, mention Dino's name; they can put up the bail for Vic. Ted asks Blake what that was all about, and Blake says he asked Dino for a favor. Debbie thanks Blake profusely, and Mike and Brian look at him with new eyes, because he helped! Debbie asks Ted, "Where did you find him?" Ted tells her it's a long story. Mike thanks Blake, too, and apologizes for being "shitty," but Blake understands: "It's because you care about Ted. So do I." Aww. Hugs! So, Mike gives Blake a hug. Ted's like, did I miss something?
The Station. Vic's released, but is pretty humiliated when he sees Mike and Melanie Marcus with Debbie. Like she was really going to be able to get $5,000 by herself. Mike assures his uncle that there's no reason to be ashamed, because they know he's innocent. Vic just wants to go home. Debbie agrees, but wants him to take his meds, which she's been trying to get to him all night. Vic tells her that he already got them from the desk sergeant. Debbie tries to shoot him a grateful look, but he turns away.
Demon's Lair. Demon teases Mike, telling him that he's never seen Michael so jealous. Mike protests that he wasn't jealous: "How would you feel if your boyfriend was being ogled by every fag in town?" Demon smiles that it so happens that Mike is. Not. Demon adds that Michael just never notices, and Michael snorts, "Oh, yeah, that's my problem. Faulty gaydar." Hee. Mike mopes that he guesses now that Demon's proved how hot he is, that he'll be out partying every night. Demon's like, not every night, but it's nice to get the attention. Hot young men may have their appeal: "But there are other things: work, my son, and you." Probably in that order, too. Mike asks him to do a private dance for him, because it's been a month since I've had to suffer this much. Demon does. And, no, I'm not going to describe it.
The morning at the Liberty Diner, the boys plus Blake share a booth. Brian complains about the coffee, while his friends smirk knowingly. Mike's all, how about Justin, huh? Emmett: "So, the cub caught the lion's prey. Hmmm." Ted: "So, even though you like to rest on your laurels, secure in your position of power, now you know they're snapping at your heels. So, now you'll have to run faster, and faster --" Brian snaps at him to pass the sugar. Ted fake grimaces, because someone's touchy this morning. Emmett says that Brian should be proud of Justin: "Like father, like son." I'm not too comfortable with that metaphor. At all.
Ted looks up and asks, "Isn't that Brent?" Emmett's little heart is about to break as he sees Brent and his new chippy walk into the diner. Emmett summons up the courage to walk over. Brent meets him halfway. Emmett says it's been a long time. Gawd. Brent replies that he's thought of Emmett. Often. Humph. Emmett tells Brent that he looks good. Brent says that Emmett does too, and asks whether Emmett's seeing anyone. I know, I know, but this all just happened the night before! This is so stuuuupid! Emmett says he isn't, really, and asks Brent the same thing. Brent says that he and the new chippy just met, and Emmett snarks, "So, you'll be free tonight?" Brent shrugs, "Probably." And Brent is about to ask Emmett if he wants to get together, but Emmett cuts him off: "We can't go back. I prefer to remember [brushing a hand across Brent's forehead] The Way We Were." I need to get around to seeing that movie. Redford was hot, back in the day, wasn't he?
Emmett walks to the bathroom, as Justin takes his place at the booth, to the applause of his friends. Brian, studiously reading the paper asks, "So, how was he?" Justin, not sure how far to go, but, like, what the hell, replies, "He had the greatest ass. I brought him back and I fucked him all night. My dick's going to be sore for a week." Brian snaps that that's more than enough, but Mike's all, no, I wanna hear more! Ted jumps in, "Speak slowly and e-nun-ci-ate." Hee. Justin continues that Sean wanted Justin to keep his crown on, and Mike and Ted giggle, because kink is cool. Justin wraps it up: "After a while, he got really clingy. He wanted to know when he could see me again." Brian: "So, what did you tell him?" Justin: "I told him that he could see me in his dreams." So sad when one's words get thrown back in your face, isn't it Brian? Justin's too pleased with himself. Emmett walks up to them with another poster, and asks, "So, who's up for the Absolute Abs Contest?" Absolutely no one at this table, trust me.
week, Brian's thinking about taking a job in New York; St. L. and Justin yell at him because of it; Vic tells Emmett that he's planning on pleading guilty, and may or may not do so; and Ted hangs up Blake's pants and drugs fall out of the pocket. Gee. I wonder how these story lines are all going to end? I'm at such a disadvantage, having never watched television before.