Hey, Mandy Patinkin's back! Maybe he and Harvey Fierstein are the finalists in some sort of QaF Co-Host Pageant. I vote for Harvey, man. Harvey all the way. Nothing but love for you, Mandy, but Harvey's going to look way better in the tiara.
The Boys stroll down Liberty Avenue after work. Brian has an arm slung around Mike's shoulder, and he points to an old bug-eyed leather queen walking towards them, and says, "See that guy? He just turned thirty." Ha. Ha. Ha. Emmett tells Mike not to listen: "You look like you're ten." Brian laughs that an odd thing happens when you turn thirty: "Your ass falls down to here and your dick disappears." If that's true, then Brian's thirtieth should be cause for world celebration. As they enter the Diner, Ted asks, "Well, what does that make me?" Aside from really stupid for setting himself up like that, that is. Brian starts looking around, and frowns, "Did somebody hear something? Like a voice from the dead?" Mike whines that it's a good thing he didn't move in with David: "I don't know how much time I have left." Somebody's watched Logan's Run one too many times. Ted asks whether Mike's going to miss all that wonderful "chiropractic sex," and Mike retorts that the sex wasn't that great. Ted and Emmett remember differently, while Brian tries to figure out a way to change the subject again. Mike nods his head and agrees, yeah, okay, the sex was great, "but it gets boring, you know, with the same person." Great sex gets boring. Got it. Mike continues, "Now, I'm ready to go out and do all those things you can't do with a boyfriend -- you know, go to the clubs, go out dancing." Ted adds, "Go home alone." Mike's face falls a little. Brian calls out past Mike's shoulder, "Hey, busboy!" Zoom in on Justin, busing a table across the diner. Justin, mouth wide open again, flips Brian off. Which, come to think it, is probably the last time that'll ever happen. The whole table, except Mike, laughs. Brian orders Justin to bring them some water. Debbie saunters over, chuckling. And because I know you want to know, her t-shirt has a drawing of a headless figure on it, with "Need head?" written underneath. Terrifying. Mike grumpily asks what Justin's doing in the diner, and Debbie says that the customers love Justin: "His ass gets more compliments than the burgers." Ted snorts, "At least his buns are fresh." Debbie swats his shoulder with a furry pen. Absolutely terrifying. Justin returns with four glasses of water, and since he's carrying them with two hands, yes, his fingers are dipping into each glass. Gross. Mike snipes, "Living in my room at my mother's house, working where I eat -- I just can't get rid of you, can I?" Justin says that he should blame Brian; turns out that Justin's working to pay off the credit card bill from New York. Mike asks why Brian couldn't have just sent Justin to jail, and Debbie laughs, "This is worse." Whatever. Let's keep moving, shall we? So, Debbie stops chuckling and asks where David is, which makes no sense, because David doesn't hang out with them. Remember? He and Brian don't like each other? At any rate, because they're contractually bound to humor scripted expositional drivel, The Boys all look in different directions, and Mike mumbles, "I think he had a patient." Lame. Debbie's not buying it, but lets it go. She offers to get Emmett his favorite blueberry pancakes, and Emmett claps his hands in glee.
Cut to the pharmacy later on; Emmett's not so happy anymore. Holding his tummy, he burps and moans, "I shouldn't have had those pancakes. They're repeating more than I Love Lucy." They're at the pharmacy to refill Ted's Claritin, but see something they like better when a hunky guy passes them on the way to the pharmacist's counter. Ted's eyes go wide with recognition, and he tells Emmett that he had sex with that guy once. He relates the whole sordid tale: six months ago, Ted stopped by the market on his way to work to pick up some water because he hadn't gotten his prized Brita filter yet (to which Emmett interjects, "Okay, not every detail"). In a flashback, we see Ted reaching for the water inside the cooler, when this guy's arm snakes around his to get another bottle. Ted and Water Guy's eyes meet, as The Look of Homosexual Acknowledgement is exchanged and the cheesy pick-up begins. thing you know, Ted's getting screwed in the back of a Range Rover, and having a damn good time of it, too. Back in the present, Emmett muses, "I need to go into a phone booth and jerk off." Ted shrugs that it was late: "I probably looked good to him because he didn't have his contacts in." Oh, shut up, Ted. Emmett replies, "Honey, take it any way you can." Ted snickers, "Oh, I did." As they go up to the counter, they hear Water Guy asking the pharmacist how many times he's supposed to take his medicine. His protease-inhibiting medicine, that is. Didn't want to forget to tell you that. Now Ted's eyes go wide for another reason. Emmett prattles, "He must be positive. That's why he has such a good body. They put them on steroids, you know." Ted leans against a shelf, in shock. Emmett's like, you guys had safe sex, right? Ted's face pretty much answers that question.
The Big Q Mart. Mike's on the floor when Marlys comes running up to tell him that there's a fire in the back. Mike races back with her...and finds that the "fire" is a bunch of candles on a makeshift birthday cake. All the Q-Martyrs yell "Surprise!" and clap in their little blue vests. Mike asks how they found out, and Marlys replies that Tracy told them: "She knows everything about you." SOL adds, blushing, "Not everything." Betcha she had the Fast-Action Blinders Barbie when she was a kid. Mike blows out the candles, and Tracy kisses him sweetly on the mouth and wishes him a happy birthday. Subtle. Real subtle.
Yes, I know, everyone's getting harshed on. Back off. I've had a rough week. Plus, we're all aware that sometimes the best thing that can be said for the writing on QaF is this: it sure beats whatever five monkeys with pencils could do, doesn't it? Grr. Arrgh. Anyways...
Mike and Brian hit the sauna. Lots of heavily breathing men share the sauna with them, which only increases my hostility. A minute without cheese, people. That's all I ask. Mike prattles on about the party the Q-Martyrs threw for him. Brian really couldn't care less. Mike whines about being reminded that his best years are behind him. And as much as I'd like to snap his neck like a twig, I have to admit, if he's right, that might be the saddest thing I've ever frickin' heard. Brian's still not caring, but in a way that allows him to check out the naked guy who just sat down to him. Mike checks to make sure that Brian isn't going to throw a party for him; Brian says he isn't. Mike grumps, "I want that day to pass without a single reminder that I'll never be young and cute again." Should I take that one? Naahhh. Brian's done paying attention, and checks out another guy who's sat down to the naked guy. I should say something about the naked guy. Let's see. He's naked. And for his sake, let's hope it's just cold on the set. Brian snarks, "Well, that's why you should have kept the good doctor around; you'll always be younger and cuter than him." Younger, maybe. Cuter, no way. Damn. Made me take the easy shot. Ugh. Will this week never end?! Mike says that he thought Brian couldn't stand David. Brian asks, "When did I ever say that?" Mike rolls his eyes: "Every chance you got?" C'mon, Mike, you couldn't possibly have expected Brian to be paying attention to what he was saying if he wasn't talking about himself! Hello?! Brian says that maybe David wasn't so bad, and Mike snaps, "Well, now's a hell of a time to tell me!" Brian asks if Mike broke up with David because of him, and Mike says he didn't. Brian replies, "Good. Because we can't spend the rest of our fucking lives together." First of all, Mike didn't break up with David, David broke up with him. Mike still wanted to go out, but David wanted "a partner" or some gunk like that.
Sauna Guy Two and Naked Guy start pawing each other, looking straight at Brian the whole time. Brian casually gets up in mid-conversation and walks out. Two and Naked follow him. Mike is left alone, shaking his head and contemplating his chiropractic sexlessness, when he should be thinking about what an ass his best friend is.
At the clinic, Emmett slow dances with the skeleton (nice bit of foreshadowing, there) while Ted nervously sits on the examination table. Emmett asks him how he could have "lapsed." Ted says that he wasn't thinking. Emmett replies, "I always have condoms, spermicidal lubricant --" Ted jumps in, "A bottle of hydrogen peroxide and witch hazel. Great. So, you're the Safe Sex poster boy, and I'm the Happy Hooker." Uh, hydrogen peroxide and witch hazel? Do I even want to know? Emmett says, "You have to be careful. I'm serious! If anything happened to you...you're too important to me." In walks the cutest medic in the world, all tall and broad-shouldered, but not overly so. I'm in such a bad mood, I'm not even going to bother to pause tape to check him out. Emmett starts provocatively chewing on a tongue depressor. The medic smiles, and asks Emmett if he's been there before. Emmett hasn't, and says that he's just there for moral support, since he makes it a point to get tested every six months. "Which is silly, really," he adds, "because most of my sex is cyber." We're aware. After Medic Guy draws his blood, he asks what Emmett's insurance sitch is, and Emmett says that he'll pay by check: "Name, phone number, address, right across the top." How convenient. Ted snaps at them both about getting on with the whole thing. Medic Guy assures Ted that he'll be fine. Emmett says that that's exactly what he told him. Ted looks like he's about to kill himself.
At Debbie's, Debbie hands Justin two Kleenex boxes to go put in his room. I wonder what he could possibly want with all that tissue. Hmmm? What do you think? Mike snaps, "My room!" because he's five. Debbie tells him to chill, because he's not five, he's almost thirty. Behind Debbie's back, Justin mouths, "So old!" to Mike, who grumbles, "Don't remind me." Mike drops a packet of pills in front of Vic, who's sitting at the table. Debbie asks what those are, because Vic just got a refill, and Vic replies, "Those pills don't go far when you're popping fifty a day." Mike tells him that his refills have run out, and Vic says that he'll call his doctor. "Speaking of Doctors --" Debbie starts. Mike snorts, "That's a subtle segue." Well, it is for this show. Mike says that he doesn't want to talk about it, and anyway, it's none of her business. Debbie snaps, "I just lost a potential son-in-law." Mike frowns, "All you lost was free treatment for osteoporosis." Debbie gasps, "Michael Charles Novotny!" Middle name time. Trouble. As Vic gets out of the way, Debbie grasps Mike's face with both hands and shrieks, "Do not fuck this up. Now, I want you to call David right now, and apologize for whatever it is that you did." Mike says that he didn't do anything: "David and I had nothing in common except Pantene shampoo and conditioner in one, and I had to give up my entire life. I couldn't see my friends, I couldn't go to clubs." Vic snorts, "Good. Get out before they kick you out. Before you turn invisible." Debbie tells Mike to listen to Vic: "Do you want to turn out like him?" Vic pulls off his glasses in outrage. Debbie says that he knows what she means, and then turning back to her son, continues, "Listen, in a few days, you're not going to be a kid anymore, hanging out with Brian." Mike wants to know why it always has to be about Brian, and Debbie replies, "You tell me. I mean, David really cared for you. You could see it in his eyes." She tries to get Vic's support, but Vic says that he was too busy looking at David's chest. Mike sighs that he'll find someone else, and Debbie retorts, "There will always be someone else! But there won't be someone like David every day." Mike crumples a shopping bag and stomps out.
Later at his apartment, Mike sits on his bed and stares at the phone. Eventually, he picks it up and dials a number. The screen splits to show Mike on his bed and David in his own living room. David says "hello" a couple of times, but Mike doesn't say anything back. And just as I'm thinking, wait, wouldn't David have caller ID? David looks at his phone and says, "Michael. I have Caller ID." Mike could probably be brighter. Mike sharply replies, "Sorry, I must have pushed the wrong number," and hangs up. David sighs heavily and tosses the phone across the room.
Brian's. Brian lets Debbie in and she snaps, "You've ruined my kid's life!" Brian replies, raising an eyebrow, "What, no hello kiss?" Debbie says that she means it. Brian offers her a drink. Debbie asks for something "fizzy." Brian rolls his eyes and heads to the fridge. Debbie babbles on about the first time she heard Brian's name, when he and Mike were fourteen. "For weeks, that's all [Mike] could talk about. Brian Kinney this, and Brian Kinney that." Weeks? Deb, we're working on decade three, here. Keep up. She continues, "And then the thing I knew, you were cutting classes. And then I come home from work one day, and there you were, fourteen and drunk. It was then that I knew you were trouble. And you haven't disappointed me a day since then." Brian, handing her a drink, snarks, "Well, at least you can't accuse me of being inconsistent." Debbie snorts, "Consistent heartbreak!" Brian says that she knows that he's always been there for Mike, and Debbie replies, "You've been there too much! Always giving him those little extra tidbits of your affection, huh? To make him think that maybe, someday, you'd be his." Brian sighs, "Who knows, maybe we'll end up a couple of old queens in Palm Springs." Hmm. Maybe that's been Brian's plan all along? Debbie asks what Mike's supposed to do until then. Brian says that Mike wasn't having any fun with Doc Dave, and Debbie shrieks that Mike has had enough fun: "You've all had enough fun! It's time for him to be a man!" And as a man, shouldn't he be allowed to make his own decisions and live with them? Just saying. Brian asks her what she expects him to do about it, and she yells, "I don't know! Something! You owe my kid something!" Just not seeing it. Sorry. Brian says, okay, he'll do something: "It's Mikey's thirtieth birthday. He should have a party he never forgets." Famous last words, methinks.
A sex-novelty store called "Seduction." Ted and Melanie are hanging out, looking for a birthday present for Michael. Melanie's twisting the penis on a mannequin gussied up in a leather harness. Now, there's a metaphor. Melanie says something about it being able to "lift and separate." Ted says that it sounds like the I-Can't-Believe-It's-A-Bra. Melanie shrugs, "Same principle. It's the I-Can't Believe-It's-A-Harness." That's the best you could come up with? Ted shakes his head: "I can't see Michael trussed up like a turkey." Melanie wants to know what they're doing there, then. Ted grins, "Michael's one of my best friends. I can't let his thirtieth birthday go by without getting him something cheap and demeaning." Melanie suggests a box of ben-wa balls, and Ted snorts, "Well, he is a bit of a tight-ass." Look. Who's. Talking. Ted wonders what Brian will give Mike, and Melanie snaps, "If he's lucky, a farewell fuck, once and for all...after all, it is something he wants, but would never get for himself." "Would," or "could"? Melanie picks up a rotating vibrator and asks what Ted thinks; Ted thinks that Michael already has one. Melanie meant for her and Lindsay. Ted shakes his head: "That's not my area." Melanie says, "It hasn't been mine, lately, either." Ted nods, "Well, after a woman gives birth, it may take several months before she feels sexual again." Melanie groans, "I really wish you'd stop reading Redbook." Ted corrects her, "McCall's. The sex tips are better. Did you know that there are ten ways to please a man without opening your mouth?" Only ten? Melanie replies, shaking her head, "It's not just the sex. I don't know, I feel like she's shutting me out." Ted sighs that he doesn't want to hear it: "The minute you start telling your friends your relationship problems, it's the beginning of the end." Ted tells her to go to a shrink; Melanie says she's been in therapy for six years. Isn't six years the same amount of time she and Lindsay have been together? Interesting. And isn't everyone always asking me why I'm skeptical of therapy? Very, very interesting. Ted asks her if she's covered by insurance, and when she says she is, he snorts, "Great. Then have a breakdown. You can afford it." Melanie...yeah, get this, Melanie replies, "You're so negative!" Ted sighs, "From your lips to God's ears." A cell phone rings, and they both grab for theirs. It's Ted's, and Medic Guy has called to give him good news. Once off the phone, Ted whispers in relief, "I'm negative." "That's okay," Melanie replies, patting him on the shoulder, "happy people can be really annoying." How the hell would she know?
Later, Ted and Emmett walk across a leaf-strewn park. Ted tells Emmett that they have to get their stories straight for Michael when they take him to his party: "I don't trust you to think on the spot." Emmett frowns, "You're so negative." Ted grins, "Funny you should say that." Another awkward segue? He couldn't have just said, "Hey, guess what? I tested negative." And they could have gone on with the rest of the scene? But, nooo. Emmett hugs and kisses him in relief, and then drags Ted over to a bench so he can show off what he got for Michael. It's an Easy-Cake Oven! Emmett: "Every gay boy wanted an Easy-Cake Oven." Ted: "Uh huh." Emmett: "You didn't want an Easy-Cake Oven?" Ted: "Uh uh." Well, I sure did. I'm totally jealous, man. ["I guess they couldn't get the rights to the real name, Easy-Bake Oven.™ I almost bought myself one last year, but then realized I have a...you know, oven." -- Wing Chun] Ted asks Emmett if the clinic called him, and Emmett checks his messages to see. Medic Guy -- his name is Steve, by the way -- did call, and left a message for Emmett to call him as soon as possible. Ted's sure that it's not bad news. Emmett's not: "Everybody knows that when they tell you to come in, it means something's wrong." Emmett really starts to freak out when he realizes that it's Friday, and that he has to wait until Monday to find out. Ted tries to calm him down, but when Emmett bursts into tears, Ted murmurs, "Okay, this is good, too."
David's house. In the pouring rain, Brian smoke a cigarette under his umbrella, and leans against his Jeep, parked in David's driveway. David comes jogging up the street and Brian drawls, "Hey, Doc. You got all sweaty without me." Shut up, Brian. David says that he went for a jog. Which is why you were jogging up the street, right? Brian smirks, "Yeah, I know how hard it is to stay in shape after a certain age." Pain in the ass. David grits, "Look, I know you wouldn't come all the way out here just to insult me, and we're not battling it out over Michael's attention, anymore -- you won -- so what do you want?" Brian says that David didn't RSVP to Mike's surprise party. David thought that the invitation was a joke. Brian cocks his head and asks why it would be a joke. David points out -- and rightly so, I might add -- that neither he nor Michael would feel too comfortable if he were to show up. Brian says that David's always welcome at his pad. Give it up, Brian. David turns him down. Brian gives it one more shot: "Come on, you're not going to give up that easily, are you?" David says that he didn't give up; it was Michael's decision. Yeah, it was Michael's decision not to move in with you; it wasn't his decision to break up with you, you control freak. He wasn't ready. Give the poor schmuck a minute. Brian says that Michael doesn't always know what's best for him. David snorts, "No shit." Mind you, they're talking about a grown man, capable of making, and living with, his own choices. Brian calls after David's swiftly departing back, "So, you'll come by around nine?" David ignores him. I know I have some blood-pressure medication around here, somewhere.
T&E at Emmett's and Mike's place. Emmett moans that he's never been to Paris. Ted says he'll get there; it's not like he's going to drop dead once he finds out. Emmett starts running through a list of all the guys who might have infected him. When Ted says that he thought Emmett never did anything, Emmett replies, "I know guys who fuck a hundred times a week. Five or six times isn't anything." Ted points out that Emmett is the most HIV-phobic person alive. Emmett replies that none of that explains why the clinic wants him to come in, and that he is very, very scared. Ted suggests that Emmett skip the party, but Emmett doesn't want to spoil Mike's birthday. Just then, the birthday boy arrives, grumpy as all hell -- grumpier, even, than I, and that's going some. Ted and Emmett futz that they're supposed to go pick up Brian and then go to Babylon, but Mike's plan is to go straight to bed. Emmett says that he can't do that: "This is a once-in-a-lifetime event. A night of nights. We need to celebrate." Mike's not having any of it. Emmett looks back at Ted with concern. Emmett tries again, but Mike retorts, "Celebrate what? That I'm turning into a geezer? That my life is over?!" Because I'm not in the mood to have an aneurysm this evening, I'm going to pass on transcribing his stupid, Ted-insulting rant about looking forward to physical impediments that won't even touch him for another forty friggin' years. Ted, too, has had enough, and finally screams, "Oh, for Christ's sake, would you shut up already and come to your goddamn surprise party?!" WORD. Mike looks back and forth between the two of them, shocked and pleased. Emmett shrugs, "Surprise."
Brian's door. As it opens up into complete darkness, Mike chirps, "Hi, we're here and we're ready to go to Babylon!" As T&E gamely smile behind him. Brian takes one look at Mike, and then glares at T&E: "Assholes. You told him." Ha! He shoves the door open and pulls Mike in. For a second, I thought that he was going to shut the door in T&E's faces. That would have been really funny. Brian turns on a light and everyone yells, "Surprise!" the loft filled with people. Mike doesn't know most of them. Brian smirks, "Well, if I invited just your friends, it would have been six people here. I had to open it up to sex partners...my sex partners." Like the loft could even hold all of them. Brian wishes Mike a happy birthday and gives him a nice kiss. That starts a reception line of "happy birthday"s and kisses from Lindsay (who's holding the baby), Melanie, Debbie, and Vic. Behind them all, Mike spots David walking across the loft towards him. Mike stammers, "Wow, this really is a surprise party." David hands Mike's present to Justin, and comes over. David smiles, "Thirty, huh?...Well, I hope I look as good when I'm your age." Ha. Ha. Ha. David kisses Mike sweetly, too. Brian, who can only take so much, drags Mike away to go open his presents.
At the bar, Melanie hands Justin her glass and orders a margarita. Melanie does a double take, and asks Justin where he learned to mix drinks. Justin reminds her, "I'm from the gentile country-club set." The camera zooms over to Mike and Brian, who gather everyone around to watch Mikey open his presents. Turns out Mike always wanted an Easy-Cake Oven, but we all knew that Emmett was going to be right. Ted chortles as Mike opens his gift -- a g-string shaped like an elephant. So, you know, your penis goes into the trunk, etc. Ted thinks it's hysterical; everyone else is pretty much embarrassed for him. David's present is . It's a really expensive, grown-up, water-resistant watch. Brian backs up into the middle of the loft and calls Mike's attention. As Mike turns around, Brian steps aside to reveal...Captain Astro! The crowd is delighted, as Captain Astro intones, "I heard it was your birthday, so I thought I'd fly by and bring you something special." He hands Mike a comic book, but not just any comic book. It's Astro Comics #1, which has the first appearance of Captain Astro in print! Brian smiles, "Anything for my best friend." Mike gives him a big ole hug. David, shown up, sulks in the corner with Debbie. Brian asks Astro to stick around and dance with Michael. Debbie tells David that it was a beautiful watch, "and a beautiful thought." True, but it's also completely impersonal. Brian smiles at Mike and Astro getting down, and shoots a look at David, who drifts away. Debbie, dancing with Vic, glares at Brian. Emmett kisses Lindsay and the baby. HDGBs in grape-covered underwear (no, seriously) gyrate on top of the kitchen counter. Justin and Melanie bond over cigarettes and margaritas (I could use both of those right now). David looks like he's about to go over to Brian and say something, but Brian slowly turns away and leans on a pole on the other side of the loft.
Ted finds Brian and drawls, "Nice going on the gift. Couldn't have been more perfect...yeah, David's present didn't stand a chance. But then again, neither did he." Of course, there was no way for Brian to know what David was bringing, besides which, why should that have affected what Brian got his best friend for his birthday? Plus, it's not that David's completely oversensitive or anything. God forbid that Michael should have had a life before him. And there I am, hotly rambling on once more. God, do I have any alcohol around here? Ugh. Brian tells Ted to fuck off for me, because the little people on the screen can't hear me when I yell at them. Ted self-righteously shakes his head and continues, "You just can't help yourself, can you? You have to make sure that Michael permanently regresses to the age of twelve. He's thirty, for Christ's sake, Brian. Don't you think it's time you let him go?" So, basically, what everyone is telling Brian is, "Hey, I know you've been manipulating Mike this way for a few years, but why don't you manipulate him this other way." Yeah! That'll work! And seriously, as far as I'm concerned, David's just a slightly nicer, older version of Brian. At any rate, Brian's had enough of Ted's sermons, and sneers, "Well, I'll tell you what. I will if you will." Oops. Brian continues, "Tell him that you've been in love with him for years." Ted says he doesn't know what Brian's talking about. Brian tells him that The Boys saw Ted's Mikey Shrine while he was in a coma. Ted's starting to look slightly ill in his little glass house, there. Brian finishes, "Of course, I always knew. So, like I said, you let him go and so will I. Ladies first." The hypocrisy stops here. Nice one, Bri.
Emmett and Vic schmooze over drinks. Vic asks if the pill-like thing he's holding is drugs or candy. Emmett shrugs that it's candy, probably. Vic drops it in his drink, sighing, "You'd think with all the pills that I take that I'd know." Emmett asks him how he's doing, and Vic grins, "Fit as a fiddle and ready for love. Why do you ask?" Vic gracefully stumbles away to find the best view of the nearest fruit-loined HDGB. Emmett sits to him on the couch, prompting Vic to ask him where all this sudden interest is coming from. "You boys never talk to anyone over forty unless you have to." Vic snorts. Emmett says that he thinks he has "it." Vic replies, "'It' doesn't mean what it used to...people die. But they die from other things, too." Emmett says that he can't believe that this is happening to him -- he's not promiscuous. Vic snorts, "'Promiscuous' is anyone having more sex than you." "Promiscuous" is also a word that looks wrong when you spell it. Like, what's that extra "u" doing in there? Emmett thought he was being careful, and Vic chuckles, "Sex isn't careful. If it is, you're doing it wrong." Now, there's a disturbing thought. Vic continues, "It's messy. And it's human. And it's mixed up with other things. It's a genie that won't stay in the bottle. Listen, Emmett, if you think you made a mistake, move on. And accept it like a man." I love Vic.
Emmett gets up and bolts away, passing David, who appears to be heading for the nearest exit. Gotta cross the dance floor in order to do that, but Mike stops him and they start dancing. Astro walks off the dance floor and off with two guys, who are all about checking out what's under that spandex. And then this weird thing happens, where all of a sudden David stops dancing so he can just watch Mike pseudo-sexily gyrating in front of him. The camera circles around the ex-couple until it finds Melanie, crossing the floor behind them.
The camera follows Melanie as she walks over to Lindsay and Debbie. Lindsay's breastfeeding the baby, and Debbie coos, "Thirty years ago, I was you. Thirty years from now, you'll be me. Thirty years. It's impossible to believe. He's a man, but he still feels as tiny and precious to me as Gus does to you." Maybe that explains why you all still treat Mike like a three-month-old, but what do I know? Behind Lindsay, Melanie -- lit off her ass -- is having trouble with her shoes. Debbie pats Melanie's arm and asks, "Are you feeling left out, honey?" Melanie, weaving like a boxer, grins, "Me, left out? Not with what it's costing me a month." Ouch. St. L. jumps in, "You know, they say sometimes the non-birth mother lactates as well." Mel finds this hilarious, and replies, "If I did, it would be margaritas. Put some salt around my nipple and take a sip." She starts drunkenly pawing Lindsay, who tries to pull away and calm her down at the same time. Melanie fake whispers, "Ooops, I'm being inappropriate. Lindsay is never inappropriate." Well, yeah. She's St. Lindsay. Melanie offers to get everyone more drinks. Lindsay turns her down, and says that she shouldn't have another one either. Melanie snorts, "Hey, I'm not breastfeeding. Ain't my problem."
The camera follows Melanie and then picks up with Emmett, who briefly dances with Mike before moving on. In the back area, he finds Captain Astro getting it on with those two guys, moaning and groaning to beat the band. Ooooh. Ssss. Ahhhh! You know how it goes. Emmett runs out of there and into the bathroom. He splashes water on his face, and amidst a sea of candles, begs God to let him be negative. He's just about to promise something or another, when Melanie interrupts him, pushing him aside so she can yack into the toilet.
Night's not over yet, folks. Outside Brian's building, Tracy pushes the intercom button. Yes. Brian invited SOL to Mike's birthday party. Vic answers the intercom, and says, "Come on up. And get your cock out." Ohhhkay. Tracy cheerfully enters the building.
At the bar, Ted thoughtfully drinks his beer. On the dance floor, Mike abruptly breaks away from David to go talk to Ted. As in, doesn't say anything, just stops dancing and walks over to the bar. Great bit of directing, there. Mike thanks Ted for the elephant underwear and lies that it was a really good gift. Ted says he's sure Mike was surprised when David showed up, and asks if they might get back together. Mike says that he doesn't think so. Ted says, "That's too bad. Say, listen. I know that there's this part of us that thinks that we don't deserve to be loved...so, we fall in love with someone that we know we can't have and who's never going to love us. And, we fantasize about the day when all of a sudden he realizes what he's been missing, and all of our dreams come true. Only, that day never comes, and before you know it, it's your fortieth birthday, it's your fiftieth, and you're still alone. Don't let that happen to you, Michael. Love someone for real. Someone who loves you." Michael and Ted give each other a big, mutually understanding hug.
Just then, Mike sees Tracy over Ted's shoulder. Mike bolts across the loft, attempting to head her off at the pass. He babbles, "It's really wild. They're all a little drunk. I really -- I only know six of them." Uh huh. Tracy says that Brian invited her. Mike offers to take her somewhere else to get something to eat, but he isn't able to follow up on that because Brian walks up to them, gives Tracy a big hug and kiss, and purrs, "I'm sooo happy that you could make it to Mikey's surprise party! Let me introduce you to some of our guests." Before Mike can say anything, Brian grabs her hand and leads her to the dance floor. Specifically, to David on the dance floor. Brian introduces the two, and they shake hands, remembering that they've met before, and that David is Mike's chiropractor. Brian swings an arm around David's brawny shoulders and adds, "He's also Mike's boyfriend." UH...OH. David looks at him in shock as Brian amends, "Sorry, ex-boyfriend." Tracy doesn't quite understand what's going on, so Brian continues, right when Mike catches up with them, "You know, the first time they fucked, Michael came like, three times." Damn. Michael's eyes widen in horror. David punches Brian in the face. Brian wipes the blood off his mouth and says to a hurt-puppy-faced Mike, "Why don't you get your friend Tracy a drink? Looks like she could use one." Tracy runs out of the loft. Mike shakes his head and takes off after her. Brian calls after him, "Don't go yet, you haven't had your cake!" Mike snarls back, "Fuck off!"
Now comes my favorite part of this whole episode. Tracy runs out, looking for a cab, or a machine gun, or something, Mike hot on her heels. Mike states, "It's true. David was my boyfriend." Tracy nods once, sharply, and then after looking for that machine gun some more, whirls around and asks, "Do you laugh at me? You and your friends, The Boys, do you laugh at me?" Mike lies, and says no. Tracy ignores him, and continues, "I must be a big joke to you, huh? The girl at work, who has the big crush? She's so funny, because she's so stupid!" Okay, see, I was laughing at her before, and now I feel really, really bad about it. The moniker "SOL" has officially been retired. Mike says that it's not like that, but no one believes him. Before running off, Tracy bites back at him, "You're a liar, Mike! A liar."
Meanwhile, back at the party, Brian's sniffing coke in order to make his face feel better. Or just maybe because it's there. Ted, standing to him, rolls his eyes in disgust. Mike walks up to them, mad as all hell. Brian tries to talk to him, but Mike walks right past him and up to David behind the bar. "I wanna get out of here," Mike tells David, "How about you?" David agrees wholeheartedly. Justin holds up the comic book and reminds Mike not to forget it; Mike says he doesn't want it. Mike then stomps up to Brian, firmly says, "Thanks for the party," and takes off. Brian watches him go, turning back just in time for Ted to walk up and say, "Well, Brian, you certainly know how to throw a birthday bash." Emmett, right behind Ted, adds, "Too bad all good things must come to an end." Then Melanie weaves up to Brian and sneers, "Well, well, well. Is anyone surprised? Look at the way he treats people. Am I right? Is there anyone here tonight who hasn't been fucked by Brian Kinney in one way or another?" Vic, right behind her, adds, "Well, what do you know? Now Michael has been, too." Debbie's : "So you finally gave him what he wanted? Good for you!" That was sarcasm, by the way. Brian wearily shakes his head. The ironic thing is that Brian didn't say a damn thing that wasn't true. But the anti-reception line isn't over yet; it's Lindsay's turn: "How could you have done it to him, Brian? Your best friend in the whole world." She doesn't even let him kiss the baby goodbye. That's just cruel. Brian's got a permanently fixed "kill me now" expression set on his face as Justin ambles up. The boy just stands there, until Brian sighs, "Well? Aren't you going to make your big exit, too?" Justin replies, "No. You're going to need someone to help you clean up this mess." Whatever. You know he's only thinking, "Woohoo! More Brian for me!"
When they get to his house, David invites Mike to come in and have a drink. Mike half-heartedly chuckles, boy, that was some party, and David agrees, "It had its moments." Mike snorts, "Like when you punched him!" David says that Brian deserved it; Mike replies that he deserved worse than that. David says that he doesn't want to talk about it anymore. Mike puts a hand on David's shoulder and tells him that he missed him, but David's not too sure about that. Mike says it's true, and then kisses him. But he has to stand on his tiptoes, in his sneakers, in order to do it, which is pretty funny. David pushes him away: "I'm not sure what's happening right now." Mike says that he wants to take David up on his offer to live together, and David shakes his head: "I'm not a consolation prize." Oh, stop it; everyone knows you've got a raging gay yang for the boy! You're going to take him back, either way! Mike assures David that he's "first prize." David asks him if he's sure, and Mike sighs, "I'm thirty. It's time I settled down and took on some responsibility." David snarks, "Now you're making me sound like life insurance." Yeah -- "I'm thirty! You look pretty good! Whaddaya say?" Mike replies, "Well, in a way, you are. Do you still love me? Because, I love you." He and David kiss, this time for real. And they even, like, open their mouths and stuff. I have to admit, it was pretty cool. Then again, I am halfway through the beer I found at the bottom of my fridge, so you might want to take that with a grain of salt.
morning, back at the loft, Brian walks into the living room and finds Debbie picking up Mike's presents. Justin's passed out on the bed -- fully clothed, so don't start -- and Debbie calls out to him to wake up because they have to get to work. Justin yawns, stretches, and sighs, "I don't feel sick. Margaritas are definitely my drink." Brian yells at him to get up, and Justin scampers into the bathroom. Brian swigs out of a bottle of scotch and sheepishly offers Debbie some coffee, which she declines. Hands on hips, she tells him, "Christ, I was pissed at you last night. Everybody was. But right in the middle of my cussing you out, I finally figured it out. You can't do anything quietly, can you? Everything's got to be a spectacle, a drama." You know, I just noticed something. These people soapbox a lot. Talk and talk and talk. Intone. Surmise. Delve. Reveal. I know. I'm slow. Anyway, Debbie continues: "You couldn't have pushed him softly. You had to shove him off a fucking cliff." Brian says that he had to: "Otherwise, he would have followed me around forever." Debbie agrees with him. She calls Justin again, who tells her that he's brushing his teeth. Debbie asks Brian, "You loaned him your toothbrush?" Brian drawls, "I have a supply." Um. Duh. Back on topic, Brian says that it was the only way. Debbie says that David is good for Michael, reaching the end of Brian's good will, as he mumbles, "That won't last." Debbie says it may not, but they should give it a try. Brian asks how Mike is doing, and Debbie says he's trying to figure out why Brian would betray him. "But he doesn't realize that it's the best thing that could ever happen. That you did him a favor. That maybe now he can finally have a chance to have a life." Gag. Justin walks out of the bedroom and says that he's ready to go, which is good, because I was about to OD on schmaltz. Debbie hugs and kisses Brian, and tells him to take care. Brian looks just about dead around the eyes.
The clinic. Emmett can't sit still, and Ted can't do anything to make him sit still. Cute Medic Guy approaches them, and Emmett's like, JUST TELL ME! So Medic Guy tells him: Emmett's check bounced. Ted pulls out sixty dollars and grumbles that Emmett can pay him back. Emmett, who doesn't get it, yet, snaps, "Who gives a shit about sixty bucks, I'll leave it to you in my will, can I have my test results, please?" Medic Guy, bemused, tells him he's fine. Emmett starts to cry again. Medic Guy adds, meaningfully, "So, uh, how would you like to celebrate?" Emmett gulps, "I'm sorry, I'm busy." Huh? Medic Guy shrugs and says he'll see them around, then. Ted watches him leave and comments, "He's cute. If you don't want him, I'll take him." Yeah, seriously. Emmett sighs, "You can have him. I made a promise to God." Ted doesn't understand. Emmett explains that he promised God that if his results were negative, he'd never have sex with another man. Ted, not even bothering to be skeptical, nods, "Uh huh." Oh, goody, another exercise in futility, which, I suppose, will create laughter and hijinks throughout week's episode. Can't wait.
Back at the loft, Brian lies on the floor with the botttle of scotch. He flips through the Captain Astro comic he gave Mike, and as the camera pulls away across the floor, we see these big mural-size pictures stuck to the wall for the party: Mike at different ages, Mike and Brian together and laughing, Mike and Brian, Brian and Mike, as David Bowie's When you're a Boy plays in the background.
Well. The rest of the season should be interesting. No, I'm not being sarcastic!
week on Queer as Folk: Emmett repeats that he made a promise to God never to sleep with another man. Some guy hands Emmett a pamphlet for a "Queer No More!" group, which is about as lame and self-defeating as you can imagine it is. Back at the Happy Fun House, Brian's Lesbians are beginning to snipe at each other. Daphne asks if Mike and Brian really aren't going to be friends anymore, and Justin says it certainly looks that way. The "Queer No More!" Group leader, who couldn't be more of a homosexual if he tried, stands to his unbelievably lesbian wife and declares that change is possible. Emmett snerks, "I'd start with those shoes." Group Leader continues, "Maybe you should ask yourselves: Is this the life God wants for me?" Emmett looks away. Lindsay tells Melanie that she expects too much: "Nothing's ever enough. And I'm starting to wonder if anything ever could be." This from the woman who's living off of her? Hello, kettle? It's the pot. You're black.