First of all, I'd like to give a shout-out to my GayRef, Terry, who just moved to the "Motherland" a few days ago. Lock up your boyfriends, San Francisco, TJ's in town. You've been warned.
This Week's Host: Eric Stoltz. It's like having an old friend drop by unexpectedly. Hi, Eric! I missed him. Where has he been? ["He's currently in The House of Mirth with Gillian 'Scully' Anderson." -- Wing Chun] Looks pretty yummy, too. Only problem: The people who write the intro are definitely not the ones that wrote the show; Eric refers to Studs and Suds as a "drag contest," which it wasn't. Have to give him credit though; in describing "The War over Michael," he manages to ask, "Who comes out on top?" with a straight face. Cracked my shit up!
So, it's the end of Michael's shift at the Big Q, and Mike's cleaning out his locker. He greets his co-worker Andrew, who's bought a bunch of stuffed animals for his kid's birthday. Andrew's grateful that the store gives employees such a great discount, and Mike snorts, yeah, otherwise Andrew could go broke. Andrew continues that it's why he wants "that job" -- their boss, Bob Barbarosa, is getting bumped up to State District Manager, and he gets to choose his replacement for store manager. Andrew's put his name into the ring. Michael wishes him luck, and leaves. Huh. I thought Michael was already the store manager. I guess he's a shift leader or something. Anyway, Mike's walking out of the back when Tracy -- a.k.a. "SOL" -- pops up in front of him, nearly giving me a heart attack. She's still cheerful as all hell, and tells Michael that he's totally qualified for the manager job, and he should go for it. Could she be touching him more? Poor SOL. At end of her little pep talk, she crows, "If you want to get ahead, you have to do a little ass-kissing, like Andrew. And something tells me you can kiss ass with the best of them!" Right. Secretly, she knows. How could she not know?
Babylon! The Boys plus Justin exit the club. Emmett's wearing an extravagant blue '70s leather jacket and pants ensemble, but everything's a little too small on him, like he mugged a midget pimp on the way over. Justin's fronting for the older guys, laughing about his father's plans to send him to military school. He and Brian are being awfully touchy-feely with each other through this whole scene. Emmett says that he always wanted to go to military school, for the uniforms. Ted adds the benefits of "taking orders. Getting punished when you're naughty," prompting Emmett to bend over and lisp, "Yes, sir. Sorry, Sir!" while the others playfully whack his behind. They all laugh, and then laugh even harder at Brian's rental car. Brian sighs, "And just think, I have to get another car tomorrow." Mike asks if it's going to be another "fuck-mobile," while Emmett, kissing the back of Justin's neck, smirks that Brian needs all the help he can get "in order to keep attracting those pretty young things." Brian releases Justin from Emmett's hold, and pulls Justin against him. Huh? Where is this coming from? I know they had sex last week, but that never stopped Brian from treating him like shit before. Ted lectures that maybe Brian should get something more practical than the Jeep time, and Mike adds, "You don't want any more weirdos ramming into you." Emmett snorts: "Never heard him complain about that before." And you probably never will again, either. Emmett, Ted, and Mike leave Brian and Justin kissing at the car. Justin goes around to other side of the car to get in. All of a sudden, Craig "Mad Dad" Taylor taps Brian on the shoulder, calls him a "fucking pervert," sucker-punches him, and then starts kicking him in the chest. Justin screams at his father to stop, and pulls Craig off Brian. Drama! The Boys, alerted by Justin's cries, run back and pick Brian up off the street, and then have to restrain him from ripping out Craig's throat. Mad Dad throws down an ultimatum: Justin comes home with him now, or he doesn't come home ever again. Brian throws the Boys off of him, cursing. Justin, shocked, pauses for a second before choosing "never again." Crying, he screams, "Never again!" a couple more times before Brian gently tells him to knock it off. Justin wanders off, in a daze, to the opposite side of the alley.
Later, at the Liberty Diner, Justin excitedly describes the scene to Debbie, exaggerating a little bit. Instead of just pulling his dad off Brian, he's now guilty of hitting his dad a couple of times. Emmett rolls his eyes and says, "Don't forget how you single-handedly fought off those attack dogs." Ted adds, "Or how you foiled the assassination attempt by that Iranian death squad." Well, you know, give him a minute. Debbie -- wearing a t-shirt that has a picture of rooster on it, with the word "cock" written underneath -- tells them not to make fun, because "this poor child has been traumatized!" Why? He's seen you dressed worse. Oh, you mean by his father. Debbie wags her finger at Brian, reminding him that she told him there would be trouble. Justin rushes to Brian's defense, saying that it wasn't Brian's fault, and that Justin is not a child: "I'm going to be eighteen soon. That means I can vote, and join the army, and get married." Emmett sighs, "Hopefully not in the same day." Good grief, hopefully not at all, except for the voting, maybe, and even that's an iffy proposition these days. Debbie replies that Justin's parents still think of him as a little boy: "They're not ready to think of you sucking cock or taking it up the ass." Uh, neither am I, actually. As usual, Brian decides that's enough talk about someone else and whines about his poor bruised ribs. Mikey nods in sympathy. Brian snarls that he should have Craig arrested, but Debbie insists that he leave it alone. As she tries to finish busing their table, she stumbles. Mike asks whether she's okay, and she says that she's just tired; she's been working since six in the morning. Lifting the bus tray, she takes one step and collapses. Everyone at the booth rushes to her side. As Mikey picks her head up off the ground her red hair falls off, and amidst all the screaming and yelling and calling for ambulances and general mortification, my only thought is, "Oh, thank GOD that's a wig!" Debbie's conscious, and completely embarrassed, and insists on finishing her shift. Mike insists on taking her to the hospital instead. Debbie cries, pitifully trying to put her wig back on.
At the Taylor Manse, Craig is soooooooo busted. Craig tries to defend himself. You know the drill -- he did what he HAD to do. Jenny cries that that he knew how close they were to losing Justin altogether. Craig tries again -- hey, he told Justin to come home and he wouldn't! Jennifer loudly points out that Craig was behaving like a psycho at the time? Yeah, Justin prefers his psychos MUCH better looking. Craig tries yet again -- he just wanted to protect Justin. Jennifer yells that Craig's the one from whom Justin needs to be protected. Obviously, Craig Taylor doesn't make a living as a lawyer. Fed up with all this logic, Craig screams back that he gave Justin a choice, and he made it, and that's that. That's pretty much the straw that breaks the camel's back; Craig's sleeping on the couch tonight. Craig shrieks that he's not going to be humiliated by "a bunch of..." Jenny finishes for him, "Fags? I've got news for you, Big Man. You already have been." DIVORCE!
At Debbie's house, Ted and Emmett sit on the couch with Debbie, encouraging her to eat something. She's not wearing her wig and she does look older and more tired, but I think I like her better that way. She tells them that they all need to stop making such a fuss about her and go home, since all of them, including herself, have to go to work the morning. Mike tells her that she's not going to work, she's going to rest. Justin nods, "Bed rest is an important part of every recovery." He's pretty cute for a Public Service Announcement. Ted drawls, "Thank you, Doogie Howser." Uncle Vic stomps out to the porch, and Mike follows him. Vic wails that Debbie's working so hard in order to pay off his bills and take care of him. Mike says that Debbie wants Vic to be there. Vic reveals that Debbie's not only working double shifts, but has also taken out a second mortgage on the house. Mike's really upset that he wasn't told, but Debbie made Vic promise he wouldn't.
Brian's loft. Brian's checking himself out in the mirror, whining that he's lucky he still has his teeth, but thank God he doesn't have a black eye. He asks Justin how he looks. Justin, all moon-eyed, tells Brian he looks great. "You always look great," he adds. Sigh. Doesn't he? Don't get too close, though; I hear he stings. Justin apologizes for his dad, but Brian waves him off. Following Brian into the kitchen, Justin says that he didn't mean to cause Brian any problems. Brian pulls a beer out of the fridge and looks at Justin blankly. Justin all of a sudden jumps back and says that he's leaving. Brian rolls his eyes and asks where, exactly, Justin is going to go. Justin says that he'll find some place; he doesn't want to be in Brian's way. Brian sighs, and says that Justin can sleep there. Justin eagerly walks with Brian back toward Brian's bed, but Brian pulls him back to the couch. Justin sits down on the couch all dejected, and I actually felt really bad for him. Poor puppy. When Brian returns with a blanket, he can see that Justin is very, very sad. Brian asks him whether he's crying, but Justin retorts, "I'm not some little faggot." Brian says that's true, and that he thought Justin was pretty brave tonight when he stood up to his father. Justin explains, "He was hurting you." Brian sighs, tells him to get some sleep, and goes back over to his own bed. Justin looks like he's going to break into about a million pieces. The saying's true: "Freedom isn't Free." To the sound of Madonna's "Tell Me," Justin strips down to his underwear, watching Brian do the same and climb into bed. Once he's sure that Brian's settled, Justin creeps up to the bed and climbs in, trying not to disturb Brian. Brian rolls over and sees him; every pore in Justin's being begs Brian to not send him back to the couch alone. Brian smiles softly, pulls the blankets up under Justin's chin, and rolls back over. Eventually, Justin closes his own eyes and goes to sleep. Suck, man. Poor Justin.
The morning, Mike and Brian catch breakfast at the Liberty Diner. Mike wants to know why Justin's staying with Brian; Brian shrugs that Justin doesn't have any place else to go, and continues flipping through car brochures. It's actually kind of funny -- Brian says one car's "a fuck machine, but the guys that drive them usually aren't." Mike reminds Brian that Justin's dad beat the crap out of him. Brian ignores Mike, continuing, "The Boxster's sexy -- if you have a little dick." Mike's had enough: "If you don't care what I think about your Boy Wonder, why do you care what I think about your Batmobile? Get the Jeep for Monday, the Audi for Tuesday, and the Boxster for Wednesday, what do I care?" Brian's like, where the hell is this coming from? Mike snarls that his own family is in dire straits, and perhaps he doesn't have time to help Brian decide which luxury vehicle to purchase . Oh, yeah -- someone else's problems. How odd of Brian to forget. Not. Brian recovers well, offering to lend Mike money if he needs it. And he says it nicely, too, so I don't know what the world's coming to. Mike turns him down, because Brian's always bailing him out, from schoolyard bullies, to helping him cheat at school, "to taking [Mike] to the hospital the first time [he] got gonorrhea." Um. The first time?! Geez, I don't know where to look after that one. Brian doesn't seem to know, either. Mike continues that, this time, it's his mother who's in trouble, and he needs to be able to take care of this himself. Mike kisses Brian on the cheek and leaves for work.
Daphne and Justin walk to school, and Justin relates the evening's excitement. He asks Daphne what she did last night. She did homework. Girl that cute should have a life. Justin's mom is parked across the street from the school. She calls out to him, and he hesitantly walks over. Jennifer has his school uniform and his books. She says she knows he has an essay today. He snaps that the essay's due tomorrow. Following Justin up the stairs, Jennifer says that she wants him to come home. Justin's like, no way, not after what Dad did, which is perfectly understandable. Jennifer says that Craig went crazy, but that they can all work this out, she promises. Justin tells her not to promise anything, because we all know she has a nasty way of not keeping them. When she asks if he needs anything, he says all he needs is for her to leave him alone. Rather odd that he's still going to school every day. A school his parents are paying for. Huh. I guess Craig hasn't gotten around to having him thrown out, yet. Bastard.
Debbie's house. Debbie, still wigless, finds Vic in the kitchen, grumpily drinking a cup of coffee. Vic grouches that she's supposed to be taking a nap, and Debbie snaps, "Naps are brief. That's why it's such a short word." Debbie picks up the paper in front of Vic and realizes that he's looking at the apartment rental section. At first, she thinks he's trying to convince her to sell the house, but no, he's looking for his own place. With his disability insurance, he can afford a place of his own, so she doesn't have to put him up anymore. Debbie's outraged, but Vic says that he doesn't want to her feel obliged to take care of him. Debbie practically turns purple with anger at that one. Vic, pretty scared, tells her that she's not supposed to overexert herself. And that's that. Debbie suddenly loses her energy, sighs, and asks for the soup he promised to make her. She and Vic go back in the kitchen, and he starts to make her some. Sitting down at the table, she tells Vic that when he came back from New York, she didn't take him in because she felt obliged, but because she wanted to. Debbie says that she'd do it again, and Vic snorts, "Yeah, let's. The dementia. The thrush. The CMV, that was a laugh and a half." Wow. Can you even laugh if you have thrush? Debbie replies, "I want you here sick, and I want you here well. I'll take you any way I can get you. So, unless you're reading the funnies, I'm just going to toss this." And then, holding back tears, asks, "Where's my soup? I'll serve; I don't want to get rusty." Okay, three really good scenes in a row. No bad puns. Brian's behaving and he's even getting good lines. Did QaF get new writers? How come no one told me?
Jennifer enters Brian's office. How the hell did she find out where he works? Phone number, yes. Residence, yes. But his office?! Man, the Taylors are a bunch of melodramatic, blond St. Bernards. Anyway, she barges in his office and introduces herself as Justin's mom. Brian's like, what the hell? She drops a big duffel bag onto his desk and starts pulling stuff out of it like's it's Mary Poppins' carpet bag -- clothes, shoes, his sketch pad, and a tape of Yellow Submarine, Justin's favorite movie. She asks Brian if he knew that Justin wanted to be an animator when he was little, and Brian's, like, uh, no. "No," she snaps, "you wouldn't." Last but not least, she hands Brian a check. Brian asks why, and Jennifer replies, "Well, Justin's expensive. He eats like a football player, goes through clothes faster than I can buy them, and he's always needing something for school." Brian's slow, and asks her if she thinks Justin's going to be staying with him for a while. Jennifer hotly asks where else he's going to stay. Brian doesn't know, and Brian doesn't care. Jennifer snaps that Justin has to live somewhere, "since he told [her] he's never coming back home again." Brian: "Why do you care what he says? You're his mother. Come and get him." Yeah, I've been saying all season. She doesn't work that way, Brian. Nice try. Jennifer says that if she tries to come and get him, he'll just run away again, and she might never see him again: "Do you know what happens to runaway kids, Mr. Kinney?" Brian, a little too flippantly for my taste: "They end up on milk cartons." "Or worse," Jennifer adds. "At least if he's with you, I know where he is." As she's turning to leave, Brian tells her that Justin isn't his responsibility, and Jen whips around and storms, "Oh, yes he is! You seduced him, you f-f-fucked him, so now he's yours!" Calming down: "So, kindly, uh, see that he takes his allergy medicine, and does his homework, and gets to school on time." Ha ha ha! Brian's at a loss for words; all that's left is a trace of an ironic smirk. Jen walks to the door and turns around one last time to say, "And, uh, tell him that we love him." Payback's a bitch, Brian, and her name is Jennifer Taylor. As if to emphasize my point, Jennifer slams the door on her way out, leaving Brian shaking his head in amazement.
At the Big Q Mart, Mike finds his boss, Bob Barbarosa, in the back of the store, checking inventory and singing opera. But I'm not going to read anything into that until they tell me to. Mike, trying his best to kiss ass, tells Bob that he should have been an opera singer. Barbarosa snorts and replies that, at one time, he had to make a choice: "The Met or the Big Q." Cute. Mike says that his choice seems to have paid off for him, and congratulates Bob on his promotion. Bob thanks him, and Mike asks him whether he's picked his replacement. Not yet, so Mike says that he'd like to be considered, too, if that's okay. Barbarosa says sure, but he's surprised: "I never had you pegged for the ambitious type." To anyone else, that would be an insult, but Mike takes it in stride. Mike brown-noses: "I've always been focused on my job, on doing it well. A promotion shouldn't be what's good for me; it should be what's good for the company." In what universe? And in what universe does any supervisor buy that load of hooey? This one, I guess, because Barbarosa's impressed. He invites Mike to a congratulations dinner some folks are having for him at a place called Domenic's: "And, bring your lady," Bob tells him. Oops!
The Boys' Gym. Mike tells his story to Ted and Emmett. Emmett's amazed that a straight guy would actually say, "Bring your lady." Ted retorts, "They say worse than that." Mike says he doesn't have a lady. He's gay, you know. Emmett tells him he has something better -- Dr. Dave. Actually, that might work. They might be impressed enough with Dr. Dave to not pursue Mike with dogs and torches...nahhh. Emmett offers to fix Mike up with his sister: "Although I have to warn you, she looks like me in a dress." That's so scary, I can't even picture it. Ted says that Emmett could dress up like he did last Halloween and go with him. Emmett refuses: "Besides which, how is Mike going to explain that he's dating Reba McEntire?" Hee hee. Mike says it would be easier than explaining that he's gay. Emmett's had enough of Mike and his closeted ways, and tells him to come clean, already. Ted plays Devil's advocate; Mike could tell the truth, since Bob likes him. Mike says that his boss likes him, "only until [Mike gives] him a reason not to." He then tells Ted and Emmett a story about a woman who works at the store, named "Helga." Short-cropped hair, slightly overweight, pick-up truck. Get it? Anyway, she's been working in shipping for fifteen years, and gets passed up for a promotion every year, and everyone knows why, and no one says anything. Mike's determined to not go out that way. Fifteen years, and she hasn't sued Big Q? That's just dumb. With the settlement she'd get, she could frickin' buy the store.
Brian's loft. Brian enters, to the sound of Daphne chirping on his answering machine and Justin dancing around in the living room with headphones on, wearing Brian's shirt. Oh, man. Daphne's voice keeps saying that she knows Justin's there: "Are you guys doing it?!" Brian picks up the phone, then slams it down. Bye bye, Daphne. Brian's holding his side, so I take it his ribs are still bruised. Brian also looks near-homicidal. He pulls the headphones off the top of Justin's head, and then asks him what he's doing. Justin: "Huh?" Brian screams again: "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!" Gah! Run for your life! I never noticed how tiny Randy Harrison is; Gale Harold totally towers over him. Justin tentatively replies that he's listening to Moby: "It's really hot." Brian glares at him, not saying a word. Justin's getting nervous. "So," he asks Brian, "What's up?" Brian testily lists Justin's sins: the door's unlocked, Justin's left his junk everywhere, and finally, Jennifer visited Brian today. In the distance, the thunder rolls, as Brian moans that all he wanted to do was come home and have something to eat. Justin eagerly replies that he could make Brian something. Brian, opening the refrigerator and finding it empty: "No. You couldn't." He slams the fridge door closed in frustration. Justin says that he's sorry, and he didn't mean for this all to happen. Brian: "Well, it did." Justin, bare-chested, sidles up to Brian and tells him that at least they're together, so they might as well make the best of it. Bwahahahaha! You've gotta be kidding me. Justin has probably never looked so unattractive in his life. Brian snarls that they're not together: "You're here because of a series of an unfortunate set of circumstances, which have given me the worst headache of my life." That's a little further than I would have gone, but, seriously, Justin, get a clue. Please. For the love of God. Brian throws the duffel bag at Justin. There's the hurt puppy face again. Brian then announces that he's going to bed, and Justin -- who has more nerves than brains -- agrees, and starts to follow him. Shyeah, right. Brian redirects Justin over to the desk to do his homework, and announces that the teenager has to be in bed by eleven. Justin's like, what, eleven? Dude, this isn't home. You don't get to do whatever you want. Brian turns on him: "Do you know I had to promise your mom that you wouldn't be late for school tomorrow?!" Snicker. Oh, and um, the nipple ring's disappeared, FYI. Sad Justin mopes back to the couch as Brian adds, with a mighty sigh, "Oh, and, by the way, she sends her love." Ha!
Debbie's house. Debbie's trying to sneak down the stairs -- wig firmly in place -- determined to go to work. Vic jumps out, blocks the door, and tells her to get back upstairs. Debbie yells at him to move: "If I have to watch Martha Stewart make another goddamn thing out of goat cheese, I'm gonna kill myself!" I find Martha Stewart fascinating, like a car wreck. And her unauthorized biography, Just Desserts, is a hoot. Big Camper Thumbs Up. Cruella DeVil lives, y'all; she just dyed her hair. ["Dude, don't slag Martha, okay? She rules." -- Wing Chun] Vic informs Debbie that AMC is having a Joan Crawford festival all week. Debbie snorts, "No one's that gay." The GM/SGWC's Gay Man Contingent goes 50/50 on that one. They start debating the merits of a Madonna film festival versus a Joan Crawford one, when Debbie sidesteps Vic and runs to the door. Vic tries to pull her back. Mike walks in, all casual. The Straight Girl Contingent gets into the discussion -- if it was just Evita over and over for a whole week, at least then we could all drool over Che together. I'm about to snort that no one's that attracted to Antonio Banderas, but I realize that I am, actually. Debbie asks Mike what he's doing there, and Mike tells her that Vic called him over to help keep her at home: "He wanted me to bring some rope and help tie you down." Okay, but use it wisely -- you only have just enough to hang yourself with! Debbie gives up and offers Mike some eggs: "I've got to do something with my hands." Mike tells her that he's up for a promotion, and even if he doesn't get it, he's going to be making some "changes." Vic, worried: "You're not going straight, are you?" Vic has good instincts. Mike ignores him, and tells Debbie that he knows how hard she works, and he never does anything to help. Debbie protests that that's not true, but Mike tells her to stay home and try to get some rest. And in case you're wondering, we decided to show The Mask of Zorro at the GM/SGWC meeting. You're invited, but you have to bring the popcorn.
Meanwhile, Brian, Lindsay, and Gus pick out Brian's new wheels. Brian stops and takes a look at a Jeep, and Lindsay -- grinning as the baby coos away -- purrs, "Gus approves." Brian looks through the windows, and gets the Look of Mutual Homosexuality from two other guys checking out another car to theirs. "Yeah," Brian replies, "they're not bad." Lindsay meant the car, of course, and can't resist adding, "I bet Justin will like it too, driving around with his Sugar Daddy." I'm still not comfortable with their joking about this. At best, he's living with Brian. At worst, he has NO PLACE ELSE TO GO. This isn't funny. Brian tells Lindsay that he's not Justin's sugar daddy, because it isn't funny, people. A salesman saunters up and compliments Gus, saying that he looks just like the two of them. Lindsay snarks, "So do our five others." She tells Brian that she's going to go change the baby, and they kiss before she leaves. But I'm confused -- did Brian bring her there as a beard to maybe haggle a better price, or did Lindsay come along just 'cause, and they're working it for fun? My bet's on the latter, but you be the judge. The salesman notices that Brian had his eye on the Jeep, and they both jump in for a closer inspection. Once they're in, however, the salesman tells Brian that he doesn't really want this one: "Fags drive it. I don't know what it is, but they're attracted to it like flies" Um, excuse me?! Isn't he afraid of offending his customers? He'd be ordering a prescription of Viagra and a cane by the time I got through with him. Ick. The salesman tries to direct Brian to a four-door sedan, while Brian gets over his shock just enough to shake his head in disbelief. Brian finally thanks him sweetly for the warning, but asks him whether he may take the Jeep out for a test-drive anyway: "And then I'll try one of the straighter models." The salesman says sure, and climbs out of the car.
Cut to Brian, outside the dealership, in the Jeep. The salesman waves to him through the floor-to-ceiling windows. Brian waves back, smiling. And then floors the Jeep, right through the window, to within ten feet of the salesman's loafers. "So, honey," Brian asks St. L. -- who's just out of the bathroom, and trying to pretend she doesn't know him -- "what do you think?" The salesman's bent over like he just crapped in his pants. Brian sneers that he'll take it.
Mike's bedroom. Mike's on his stomach, and Dr. Dave is on top of him. I brace myself for another sexless sex scene, but Dr. Dave's only giving him a back rub. I guess my mother's right -- God does love me. Hal Sparks has a cute little butt. I never noticed that before. Mike's cell phone rings, and David hands it to him, muttering, "Brian." Someone's a little sensitive, isn't he? Mike tells the person on the other end that he'll pick her up at seven, and then hangs up. Mike says that it was SOL, whom David remembers as "the girl that has a crush on" him. Mike again protests that she doesn't have a crush on him; she just likes him, and he likes her. But not in the same way, David points out. Okay, here's a tip: As a general rule, straight girls don't spend that much time grinning at boys they don't have crushes on. So, Mike confesses that he invited SOL to go with him to his boss's party. The massage is over. David's like, "as your date?!" Mike shoots back, "No! Well, yeah. But, no!" David smacks Mike on the butt and tells him to have a good time, but I'm pretty sure he doesn't mean it. As a matter of fact, I'm fairly certain Dave's fairly pissed. Mike tells him that he can't bring David, as much as he'd like to, even though he's "proud of him." David snorts at that one. Mike continues that he was told to bring his "lady." David asks whether SOL knows the whole story; Mike replies that he can't tell her that. You know, just because she's annoying doesn't mean she deserves to get played like that. David points out that SOL probably thinks that it's a date; Mike thinks that he's not responsible for what she thinks. What -- all of a sudden you're Brian? Not hardly. David's all silent and judgmental, and Mike finally explodes, wishing that everyone would just get off his back. So, Dr. Dave does. Literally. Mike, frustrated, wonders what the hell else he's supposed to do. David tells him that what Mike's doing is wrong, and that it's not fair to either Mike or SOL. David knows from whence he speaks. Mike points out that David can afford to tell the truth: "And I can't! I don't have an office, or a diploma, or nothing available until four weeks from Tuesday! I don't even have my own bathroom. But I do know that if I tell the truth, I probably never will." And with that, Mike storms out of the room. That's certainly another way to look at it, except eventually he's going to be forced into a corner, and someone's going to out his ass, and then, as a friend of mine is fond of saying, chaos will descend upon him like a cloud of angry monkeys. Truth, good. Monkeys, bad.
Woody's. Brian, Ted, and Emmett toss back a few beers and check out the local talent. Ted tells Brian that he can't believe Justin's mom came to the office to give him Justin's stuff. Brian replies, "Yeah, she practically gift-wrapped it." Emmett shrugs, "Gifts can be returned." Brian wishes; he says he just wants Justin out of his life and out of his house. Ted and Emmett exchange knowing looks. Brian spots his conquest over by the pool table, wearing a "Hotlanta" t-shirt. He asks T&E whether either them has ever been to Atlanta. Emmett chirps, "No, but I had a boyfriend from Georgia, once. I called him peach-fuzz. Bet you can't guess why." Ted rushes out in a monotone, " Because his butt-cheeks were covered with this soft fuzzy down that made them look like two fuzzy peaches." Emmett, frowning, mumbles, "Yeah." I really don't mind that T&E are used mostly for comic riposte these days; they're just so damn good at it. Brian excuses himself, "to go show [their] guest some northern hospitality." He saunters up to "Southern Comfort" and whispers The Magic Words into his ear.
Later, Brian and Southern Comfort are making out full-force in the crate elevator up to Brian's pad. He hits Brian's ribs the wrong way, and asks Brian what happened. Goodness, is that what passes for a southern accent in Toronto these days? I've got a better Southern accent than that, and I'm from Southern California. Southern Comfort tells Brian to hurry up and open the door, and Brian tells him to be patient: "The South will rise again. And again!" Ha! Pulling open the door, they come face to face with Justin's cooking attempts, i.e. a completely destroyed kitchen. Justin says he'll clean it up, and then notices Southern Comfort. When Justin asks who he is, Brian snarks, "He's an out-of-town guest." Justin rolls his eyes. He's learning, folks. S.C. doesn't take Justin's presence very seriously, probably because Justin's a kid. He asks Justin what he's making that smells so good. Justin's making Jambalaya, which his mom taught him to make. S.C. offers to help: "I used to live in New Orleans. My boyfriend and I used to cook jambalaya all the time. We'd just cook. And fuck." Brian DOESN'T CARE! Justin and Southern Comfort prattle on about the jambalaya, until Brian finally interrupts, snapping with a much better southern accent, "Now, you can sit around here eating jambalaya, or you can come upstairs and eat my ass!" S.C. chooses the second option, but tells Justin that he does want to try the jambalaya later. Justin says sure: "My mom says it's always better the second day." S.C. joins Brian in the bedroom -- and doesn't seem too shy about making out in front of the minor, either. Justin tries to watch, but bolts when S.C. goes down on Brian, while Brian smirks at Justin. Point taken, Brian. Now shut up.
Domenic's Restaurant. Mike and SOL enter, Mike in a suit, SOL in a pretty but cheap-looking black dress with big red roses on it. I guess the store discount was just too good to resist. SOL's grinning to beat the band. They're on a date! Oh, boy! Sucker. Bob greets them, and teases the two, "Don't let the boss catch you fraternizing!" Ha. Ha. Ha. SOL's arm is permanently fixed to the inside of Mike's. It's not pretty, folks. Barbarosa's wife joins them, and she's obviously had a few. She assumes that Tracy is Mike's wife. SOL has no problem with that. Barbarosa laughs and says, give them time! Ha. Ha. Ha. Mrs. Barbarosa says that she doesn't want to interfere with business, but winks at SOL, "We really know who runs the show, don't we, dear?" When the Barbarosas leave to go ambush someone else, SOL bubbles that they thought she and Mike were married: "And it's only our first date! If this is a date." Mike neatly sidesteps the question by offering to get her a drink. SOL tells him to get whatever he's having. My guess would be, A LOT. SOL giggles off to the restroom, and Andrew -- the guy at the beginning who also wants the Manager's job -- makes a beeline for Mike, introducing him to his wife, Liz. Andrew says that he didn't know that Mike and SOL were dating. Mike says that they were trying to keep it all discreet. Andrew replies, "Smart idea, the way rumors fly. In fact, you should hear some of the ones about you." Uh oh. Mike asks what type of rumors, and Andrew shrugs, "Nothing I'd want to repeat. But it's the kind of thing that could really hurt someone's chances. Especially if they were looking for a promotion." I believe that's a threat, ladies and gentlemen. What a little shit. SOL bounces back, and Mike quickly grabs her hand, yelping, "There's my girl!" Make that two little shits. MIKEY!
The morning at the Happy Fun House, Melanie bounds down the stairs to find Lindsay setting the table for breakfast. They start to get in a little morning nookie, but Lindsay pulls away, because Justin, on the couch, is starting to wake up. Melanie invites him to have some breakfast, but unbelievably, Justin's not hungry. Melanie: "You have to have something to eat. After all, you are a growing boy. My god, did I just say that?" Lindsay giggles. Justin demurs again, but offers to wash the sheets. Why does he need to wash the sheets? Oh, wait. Do I really want to know why he needs to wash the sheets? Never mind. Lindsay tells him that he doesn't have to worry about it; Melanie grins that he can wash her car, though, if he's still in the mood. Justin thanks them for letting him stay, and Brian's Lesbians reply that it was no problem; he can stay any time he wants. Justin wistfully looks down at a drawing of Brian he made the night before. He snaps the sketchbook closed, wailing, "He hates me!" Brian's Lesbians don't have to ask who he's talking about. As Lindsay and Melanie rush to Justin's side on the couch, St. L. says that Brian doesn't hate Justin, but Justin's convinced that he does, and so does his dad: "And now I can't go home." Melanie tells Justin that it's going to be okay, but Justin doesn't want to hear that. "And don't say anything bad about Brian, either," he snaps at Melanie. Melanie replies, rolling her eyes, "Well, that doesn't leave much room for conversation." Justin drops his head in his hands, wondering what the hell he's going to do. Brian's Lesbians look at each other behind Justin's head as he starts to cry. Melanie tells him that what he's going to do right now is one thing at a time, and Lindsay agrees, and so do I, because that's really the only way to get through bad stuff like this. BL break it down for him: First Justin's going to take a shower. Then he's going to have something to eat. Then he's going to school. They comfortingly pat his back, until he wipes away his tears and heads upstairs. Melanie and Lindsay sigh, Melanie adding, "And still he defends that fucking prick! You know, it amazes me --" Lindsay raises a hand, "Don't start. Allow me." And she reaches for the phone. She dials Brian's number and when he picks up, says, "Bri? It's Lins. Did I wake you? Good." Even St. L. has her limits. You get him, Lindsay.
Big Q Mart. Mike's rearranging the toy aisle. Mike's heroically muttering his "I'm gay" speech when he's interrupted by Barbarosa. Mike thanks Bob for inviting him to the party. Bob says that his wife really liked Mike, and kept asking when he and SOL are getting married. Fresh Hell, indeed. Bob asks if Tracy's busy tonight, and now Mike's really confused. Bob continues, "Well, I thought you two might want to have a little celebration of your own. After all, isn't that what you do when you get a new promotion, Mr. Manager?! On cue, Big Q employees pour out from behind the aisles, cheering. Tracy races up and gives Mike a big ole kiss. He's so screwed.
School's over, and Justin's walking out. But maybe not so fast. He's blocked by a group of boys, who were interested to hear that he's not living at home anymore. Justin blames Daphne for blabbing; the boys blame Justin for being a "fucking faggot." Sigh. This is fallout from last week's locker-room incident, I suppose. I hate scenes that make me loathe the whole world. The gang knocks Justin's books to the ground, pushes him around, and calls him names, because Justin's just not having a bad enough week. Off-camera, we hear the screech of tires, and then someone calls Justin's name. It's Brian to the rescue! Justin doesn't look as happy to see him as he usually would. The other boys are pretty intimidated, though. Brian demands that Justin get in the car, and Justin -- once again close to tears -- asks where they're going. "Home," Brian replies.
To The Taylor Family Manse, that is. Justin forlornly sits on the living-room couch, while Jennifer tries to mediate between Father and Son. Justin has nothing to say. Jennifer says that she and his father want him to come home: "And I think that Brian would agree." Brian's lounging on a chair on the other side of the room, radiating an above-it-all arrogance. Craig spits, "What difference does it make what Brian thinks?" But Jen's done with him, and tells her husband not to interrupt her. She tries prompting Justin again, but his eyes are solidly on the carpet. Brian orders, "Look at your mom, Justin." Justin, startled, looks up -- first at Brian, who jerks his head over, then finally to his mother. Jen smiles, "You're staying here." Justin replies, "Only if Dad says that he's sorry for hitting Brian." Just had to go there, didn't you? Predictably, Craig leaps out of his seat, screaming that Brian is the one who should apologize for making Justin believe that Brian loved him. I'd be quiet if I were him. I'm pretty sure Brian's up for a rematch, and he'd kick Craig's skinny little suburban butt all around the cul-de-sac, I'll bet. Justin says that Brian never said that he loved Justin: "He said it was just a fuck -- that's all." Justin continues, "But I'm okay with that, because that's all it was. All it should be." It's like letting a pin out of a balloon. Justin gets it at last. Sad, but soooooo much better. Brian smiles at him -- what is that, proudly? Hard to say. Whatever it is, it's rife with attitude. Jen tells Justin that he should go to his room. Justin gratefully gets up to do so, but Mad Dad stops him, to say "one more thing." Jen tries to stop him, but Craig runs right over her. God, he is such a git! He tells Justin that if he's going to live in his house, he has to live by certain rules: "You are not to go to gay bars or talk about your disgusting lifestyle." I'm sorry, I had to laugh. "Your disgusting lifestyle"?! Gimme a break. MD continues, pointing to Brian, "And you are never, ever to see him again." Jennifer chooses to be silent. Guess this reconciliation thing is a little harder than she thought it would be. Brian snorts, "So, in other words, for Justin to live here with you, he has to deny who he is, what he thinks, and how he feels." That about sums it up. Craig snarls that no one asked his opinion, but Brian leaps up and replies, "Well, that's not love. That's hate." WORD. Craig tells Brian to get out. Brian's already on his way, pausing just long enough to ask whether Justin's coming with him. Justin's shocked. He looks at his mom, who looks back with longing. I guess she feels that, at least with Brian, Justin'll be safe, or like she said before, she'll at least know where he is. Without a word, Justin follows Brian out of the house.
Liberty Diner. The customers applaud as Debbie returns, and then Debbie nicely turns the spotlight on her son, announcing his promotion. Mike's all, aw shucks, Ma! Debbie retorts, "Can't I be proud for one day? Is it just for gay people?" T&E kiss her on the cheek; Emmett says, "No one's more gay than you, Deb." Ted adds, "Yeah, you're a role model for us all." Debbie, on the verge of tears, tells Michael that he has the biggest heart, and the most honest one: "Could those eyes lie?" Well, depending on the stakes, they sure can. Debbie insists that anything they order is on her. Ted and Emmett go back and forth about what they're going to get and whether it costs too much. Vic tells Mike that he did well, which just makes him feel worse. He leaps to his feet and runs outside, where it is -- of course -- raining. Brian, about to walk into the diner, pats him on the back, congratulating him. Mike yells that he wishes everyone would knock it off with the congratulations. He then apologizes for yelling, but says that even if he's able to help his mom, he has to lie to do it. Brian replies, "It's not lying if they make you lie." What is it, then? It's certainly not the truth. Brian continues, "The only truth they can accept is their own." I get Brian's point, but I'm sorry, that's a cop-out. Not everyone is like that. And they shouldn't be catered to because they are. Michael and Brian hug. Brian tells him to get back in there, and then walks away, telling Mike, "I've got someone waiting for me."
At Brian's loft, Justin's set the table and asks Brian whether he's hungry. Brian's not, really, but Justin says he has to eat something. Brian sits down at the table and asks what's cooking. It's jambalaya from the night before. Brian takes a mouthful and says that it's "not bad." Justin smiles in relief: "It's always better the second day."
Grade: It's an A, folks. Subtlety and Eric Stoltz in the same episode. It's like old home week. The script was good, the acting was good, and Brian turns out to have a heart and a conscience, after all. I like the way they're setting up Michael for a fall; that's going to be in-te-res-ting. And how is this Brian/Justin thing going to pan out? Randy Harrison totally deserves the Emmy they're probably never going to give him, just for this episode alone.
Week on Queer as Folk: Gus is sick, but the ER will let only Lindsay stay with the baby; Brian agrees to turn over legal guardianship to Melanie, but then changes his mind; David invites Mike to a dinner party, and Mike accuses one of the other guests of giving him crabs; David and Mike agree that they're from different worlds, so they may or may not break up.