No Bris, No Shirts, No Service

Okay, what is Beau Bridges dong on this show? Is he trying to tell us something? What the hell is going on here? At any rate, Mr. Bridges informs us that previously on QaF, "Brian, who's had everyone he's ever wanted, got more than he bargained for when he ran into Justin outside Babylon, the hot gay club on Pittsburgh's strip." Picture Garrison Keillor reporting this, and you've got it about right. Okay: "They are just about to hook up when their session is interrupted by the birth of Brian's sperm-donated son by his ex-girlfriend Lindsay, and her acid-tongued female partner, Melanie." I was in too much shock the first time I watched it, and the second time, I couldn't stop laughing! "Session"? "Hot gay club on Pittsburgh's strip"? "ACID-TONGUED"? BWAHAHAHA!!! "Brian now finds himself saddled with two problems -- his genetic one, and Justin, who will do anything to get back with Brian." Is he talking about the baby or the fact that Brian's a complete ass? Beau also informs us that Michael got set up with a girl at work, while Justin finds "what Lindsay and Melanie already know -- that Brian's heart is the one thing that he's missing." Did anyone watch the show before they wrote this? ISSUES! No time. Sigh. Let's move on.

Hot Dancing Gay Boys! They're Hot! They're Dancing! They're Gay Boys! Man, I just love that opening.

Lindsay and Melanie's house. Guests -- mostly gay and lesbian couples -- arrive for brunch, Michael voice-overs that it "was really nice -- the smell of bread and flowers everywhere -- not like going to my friend's house, with the smell of dirty laundry and porno tapes everywhere you look." Melanie seems really happy to see Mike. And later on, she seems really happy to see Emmett and Ted, too. Don't know what that is, but it's scaring me. Mike kisses Gus on the way in the door and looks wistfully at the two women. "For a moment I wished that I, too, could be a lesbian. Then I remembered I'd have to eat pussy, so I said forget it." So much for the warm, fuzzy moment. Michael greets various lesbians -- most of which, I'm really sorry, look like men and confuse me -- as he walks through the living room, and continues to voice-over, "Men and women are different from each other, and it doesn't have anything to do with gay or straight. The way I see it -- women know how to commit to each other. Men don't. At least, not the men I know." The Gay Men/Straight Girl World Coalition nods sadly. Tell us something we don't already know.

Michael finds Emmett and Ted. Emmett is wearing...something that's hurting my eyes. I found my glasses last week after being blinded by Debbie's outfit, and I put them on. Oh, yes, it's a rainbow plaid blazer over a white shirt with a butterfly collar. Emmett's obviously taken classes at the Carrie Bradshaw School of Inappropriate Fashion recently. Emmett is accompanied by a young, thin Japanese man, wearing all black. Ted is dressed like a normal human being. Michael voice-overs that he's jumping ahead: "Let's go back an hour."

The film speed rewinds, back out the door, down the street, up the stairs of some building, over to the guys' gym. Brian is lifting weights, and Michael sits to him, in his nice suit. "I told you," Brian says, "I'm not going to the munchers' brunch." Munchers Brunch. That would be a good name for an all-girl rock band. Michael says it's not for them -- it's for Brian's son. Brian retorts that Gus is only his son when Melanie and Lindsay want his money. ["That's not a bad point, judging from the recaps, anyway." -- Wing Chun] Michael says that he shouldn't punish Gus because of them. Brian replies that the kid won't even notice. Michael tells him not to be so sure, he read somewhere -- Brian interjects, "Where, Marvel Comics?" -- okay, I'm as big a fan of Professor X as the high-school geek, but enough with the lame-o comic-book references that never go anywhere. They sound forced, they sound stupid, they make my head hurt with a deep and abiding pain. All right? All right. Anyway, Michael continues that babies are sensitive to their environments, even in the womb; tension affects babies adversely, while, "listening to Mozart makes them smart, or something like that." Brian: "Well, how do you think listening to two dykes go down on each other for the past nine months will affect him? Christ, he'll probably end up being straight." Mike: "All the more reason why he needs his dad!" Can't argue with that.

Michael follows Brian into the steam room. Brian is wearing a towel now; Mike is still in his suit. Michael is railing at Brian to stop acting like a child, but soon loses Brian in the steam. When he finds him, Brian has found somebody else. There's a guy sitting on one of the benches, clutching his penis over his towel. Michael walks up behind Brian, who's already starting to jack off under his towel. Is Michael running into Brian having sex going to be a regular thing every week? Just want to know so I can order more Maalox. Of course, Brian is always having sex, so the odds are pretty much in Michael's favor. I don't think I should have to suffer, though.

Mike: Well, I was just about to say that you should rise to the occasion. Be bigger than they are. That is, if you can take your hand and your mind off your dick long enough.
Brian: I've got more important things to do.
Michael: Well, what am I supposed to tell them?
Brian [ripping off his towel]: Tell them something came up.

Note to Writers: Dialogue should not physically hurt your audience. Thank you. Anyone know a remedy for a permanent wince? If so, please email me. Much appreciated. Anyway, Brian throws his towel in Michael's face, much like Justin threw a shirt in his mom's face in the last episode. Symbolic? Maybe. The important thing is, we get to see Brian's butt again, so, really, who cares? I have my priorities.

Lindsay and Melanie's. Melanie is wandering around with a video camera. Still happy, still scaring me. She zooms around the room, panning across all the happy lesbians. She stops on Lindsay, who's holding Gus and talking to a relative of Melanie's. The older woman says, in a Brooklyn accent, "I'm thrilled for you both." And adds hastily, "and such a lucky boy to have two mothers!" Lindsay smiles sweetly, as the woman continues, "What do you need a man for, anyway? Your Uncle Ben was a lousy father -- never had any time for the family, always chasing women..." Lindsay's starting to look uneasy, but the relative continues, "You're better off being lesbian, because, take it from me -- a stiff prick knows no conscience." Melanie laughs. She would.

At the buffet table, Emmett gives Mike and Ted the scoop on the Japanese guy, whose name is Katsuo. On cue, Katsuo, very bewildered, holds out a glass of OJ to Emmett, and asks, "Jews?" "No, no," Emmett says, pointing around the party, "Jews." And then to the glass, "juice." Emmett to the boys: "He gives 'Pacific Rim' a whole new meaning." TMI, seriously. Mike asks him where he found Katsuo; Emmett says that Katsuo found Emmett, while he was having drinks at the Lizard Lounge. Katsuo doesn't speak English, and the only words Emmett knows are "Sony" and "Toyota." But there are other ways of communicating, Emmett assures them. Ted: "We all know it's not polite to talk with your mouth full." Snicker. Katsuo then starts speaking emphatically in Japanese. Emmett, in the most condescending tone known to man, tells him, "It's called corned beef, sweetie. It's a Jewish delicacy, okay?" Mike: "What do you suppose he's actually saying?" Emmett: "It doesn't matter. We're in love, love, love!" Which seems to be everyone's first mistake on this show, not that anyone's paying attention. Emmett kisses Katsuo, and then wanders off. Katsuo turns to Ted and Mike and keeps, repeating, "Kane, Kane!" They sort of look at him, like, "Huh." And then mutually agree to go ask Melanie.

Emmett, Ted, Michael, and Katsuo find Melanie, still busy with her video camera -- still smiling, so still scaring me -- and ask her to translate. "Talk to Me-la-nie!" Ted tells Katsuo, in a loud voice. "Melanie speak all Axis powers." Humph. She would. Turns out that "kane" means "money." Katsuo is a male prostitute, and expects Emmett to pay him one of these days. Now Ted's wandered off, so Michael's the only one to hear this bit of news. Emmett comes back into the room and wraps his arms around Katsuo, who's still repeating, "Kane!" Emmett is oblivious. Mike walks up to them and tells Ted "kane" means..."love." Mike: "He loves the sound of your voice. It's like silent wind chimes and your smile is like cherry blossoms floating on a still breeze." Katsuo, poor bastard, looks like he thinks Mike might actually be helping him. Emmett looks like he's about to cry. Never underestimate the ability of male friends to completely screw each other over for kicks.

Lindsay and Melanie walk into the living room with Gus. Mike asks if he can hold him. Lindsay, handing him the baby, says that it's almost time for the "ceremony," and asks about Brian. Mike says that he couldn't make it, that, and Melanie finishes for him, "Something came up. And I can guess what!" First two guesses don't count. The Rabbi comes in, and Lindsay introduces him to the group. He'll be doing the bris. Emmett: "Oh, I love roast beef." The Rabbi is uncertain, but chuckles. Ted: " That's 'brisket.' I believe the bris is a Hebrew circumcision ceremony." Yup. The Rabbi describes the whole ceremony, and Emmett faints dead away at the words "remove" and "foreskin." Yeah, it's funny, but how could he have never heard of circumcision before? ["Or a bris? He's never watched Seinfeld?" -- Wing Chun]

The pool at either Justin or Daphne's house. The two teenagers are sitting on the diving board, playing with a remote-controlled boat. Justin tells Daphne that Brian said that all Justin was to him was "just a fuck." Daphne: "That's a shitty thing to say." But an honest one. Which leaves no room for interpretation. NO, really, Justin, it doesn't. Daphne looks too cute in a salmon-colored sweater and a criminally short black skirt. Justin's looking more and more like Dawson every day. Daphne says that when her last boyfriend dumped her, she didn't cry about it -- she just went out and got herself a new one. Justin: "When did you have a boyfriend? Third grade?" 'Kay, just because she's been hanging out with your tired ass lately, doesn't mean she's unattractive. Daphne tells him it was last summer. The two share a cigarette, because they're bad kids and just too cool. Well, Daphne is, at any rate. Daphne says that her ex got really jealous, and Justin should do the same thing to Brian. Daphne: "Go pick up some hot, hunky guy. You're not exactly a troll, you know." She looks down shyly when she says that last part, and I'm going to choose to ignore that, because really, gayness aside, Daphne can do better. At this point, I'm almost ready to concede that BRIAN could do better. Justin asks her to come with him. Daphne giggles, "What if some lesbo tries to pick me up?" That's what I love about teenagers -- no concept of the word "NO." Repeated emphatically, it gets results. Seriously. Daphne then goes off on a tangent about liking Melissa Etheridge, and whether or not that means anything. Justin laughs and says, "Maybe." Daphne pushes him into the pool, about an episode too late.

Back at the bris. A crowd leans over Emmett, unconscious on the sofa. Mikey worries that Emmett's had a heart attack, like those people who have weak hearts, and no one knows it until they have a heart attack. Or something. An elderly man breaks through the crowd, telling them that he's a doctor. His wife points out hat he's a retired podiatrist. So, it's all Jewish stereotypes on Melanie's side of the family. That must have made for a fun childhood. "You think no one ever fainted in my office?" he snaps back. "From corns?" his wife asks. It could happen. Those puppies can be pretty painful. Dr. Foot asks if they have smelling salts. Ted asks, "How about poppers?" Ted's on a roll. But sooo unhappy. And, oddly, reminding me of Eeyore. Lindsay remembers that they have horseradish, for the gefilte fish. She gets it. It's waved under Emmett's nose, and he is revived. Emmett: "What happened?" Ted, in a fake whisper: "You fainted." Snicker. The Rabbi tells them all that he "doesn't mean to hurry things up, but [he's] got twins at three." The crowd around Emmett disperses. Emmett: "No, really, I'm fine."

Back at the gym, Brian's getting dressed when his steam-room dalliance walks up and shoves a piece of paper in Brian's jeans. Brian's well-fitting jeans. Cough. Um, yeah, so, Steam Room Guy tells Brian to call him some time; Brian's like, oh, yeah, sure, NOT. His cell rings, and it's Mike, who tells him to get down to the house. Mike tells Brian, "Well, you know all those Hebrew words at the bottom of the invitation? I just found out what those mean."

Melanie holding Gus. The Rabbi goes through the three steps that every Jewish boy goes through in order to become a man -- bris, bar mitzvah, marriage. And then it occurs to me, as I think about my half-Jewish friends -- isn't religion passed on through the mother's side? That being Lindsay? I know Melanie's supposed to be his mother, too, but she didn't give birth to him, which means she's more like his father, and then my little pink brain starts to hurt. But I'm pretty sure I'm right. Unless they got a special lesbian dispensation from the Rabbi Council, or something. That's probably a 201 topic, though. I'm only halfway through the 101 class.

Katsuo sits in the corner playing with a Game Boy. Mike and Ted support Emmett on both sides so that he won't take another sniper hit onto the floor. The Rabbi picks up the...uh, knife? Emmett: "Oh my god, he's really going to do it." Mike: "Where's Brian?" Ted: "Looking after the only dick that matters -- his own." Ted's getting all the good lines.

The Rabbi's just leaning in, when... "Excuse me, Rabbi?" It's Brian to the rescue! Brian, all Wrath-of-God-like in the middle of the living room: "You two. In the kitchen. Now." Melanie, whose motto has always been that a good offense is the best defense, starts in on the screaming right away. Interrupted a religious ceremony, blah, blah, blah. How dare he, yada, yada, yadacakes. Scream, shout, verge of aneurysm, etc. Film at Eleven. Brian says that they should have asked his permission, and as biological father, he has more rights than she does. Burn! Melanie: "I see someone's been studying his law!" Yeah, too bad the lawyer hasn't. That would be you, Melanie. If you want him out of your life so badly, why didn't you get him to sign away his parental rights? As much as I hate to say it, I have to side with Brian on this one. Melanie screams that if he cares so much about his son, how come he hasn't come to see him once since he was born? Brian replies that he hasn't exactly been welcome. I don't know what gives him that idea. Melanie: "Oh, please! You've just been too busy fucking everything that moves!" I, as humble recapper -- nay, historian -- would like to point out that Brian did come over a few days ago. You know, when you two forced him into signing those insurance papers? St. Lindsay points out that they have a houseful of guests who can hear every word they're saying, and then asks Brian why he cares whether Gus has a bris or not. Brian: "It matters that he's only been in this world a week, and there are already people who won't accept him for the way he is -- that would even mutilate him rather than let him be the way he is: the way he was born. Well, I'm not going to let that happen." You go, Brian! But there should be violins playing during this scene. Where are the Violins Of Angst And Cultural Misunderstanding? Actually, this episode has been shockingly devoid of music so far. The Rabbi comes into the kitchen and asks whether they're ready to proceed. And there's Lindsay, caught between Brian and Melanie.

The Liberty Diner, that night. The boys and Katsuo are crowded into a booth. Emmett, to Brian: "You really showed those dykes who's got the low hangers." Mike: "And for once, it was us." Actually, it was all Brian. BRIAN, Michael, not you. Debbie walks past them, carrying a tray filled with food. Brian, endearing as always, asks her if they can have some service. Debbie: "Keep your pants on. At least until you've had dinner." Known him twenty years, and still doesn't realize that's too much to ask. Well, hope springs eternal, I guess. As does Brian. Ted: "I've always said that here are two reasons to be friends with lesbians: they'll never try to convince you that the only reason you're gay is because you haven't met the right woman, and they know how to change a flat." He forgot a third one -- they can always give you a good recommendation for a barber. Sorry, it was an obvious line, and nobody's used it. Brian says it's not about Melanie and Lindsay, it's about Gus: "If I don't look out for him, who will?" Mike: "Wow. If you're not careful, Brian, you might turn out to be an all right dad despite yourself." Brian gives him a combination of The Sneer and a wry grin. The guys all toast to Brian. Like he needs the validation. Debbie's usual brightness is dimmed somewhat by a black shirt and pants, but she's still wearing the rainbow P-FLAG Honor vest -- on which some buttons are actually blinking. Oh, Jaysus, her t-shirt actually says, "Got Lube?" And I bet you if someone answers "No," she probably has some in her back pocket. Emmett says that he doesn't want anything, and Debbie retorts that he "should try to eat some of [his] protein off a plate." Emmett: "I read that for every thirty pounds you lose, you gain an inch of cock." Debbie: "So if you just drop another ninety pounds, then you'll have a four-inch pecker!" Ba-dum-bump! Emmett isn't amused, but everyone else is. Although neither Ted nor Mike wants anything, either, after that. Katsuo pipes up, in broken English, "Cheeseburger, French fries, chocolate shake, apple pie." Ted and Mike look at each other: How much does he understand, anyway? Emmett gazes at Katsuo fondly, like a proud papa. Brian, as usual, couldn't care less.

I'm sorry, I know I'm obsessing, but come on, Beau Bridges?

Liberty Ave. Drag queens, funky divas, and our favorite Hot Not-Yet-Dancing Gay Boys saunter down the strip. Ted is bumped by a young, nice-looking man on the street. Would he be considered a twinkie? I'm going to call it, since I can't get my GayRef on the phone. Anyway, Ted, still moving, says ,"Sorry." The twinkie (as far as I'm concerned), says that it's okay. Mike knows the guy -- he works out at their gym, and his name is Blake. Mike looks back at Blake looking at Ted, and tells him that he thinks Blake's interested. Ted shrugs it off. Mike: "Will you listen to you? Always putting yourself down." Ted: "Better me than them." Mike: "Doesn't sound like it." Word. Ted babbles on about how statistically improbable it is that a "guy named 'Blake,' who looks like that, would like a guy named 'Ted,' who looks like me." Brian, Ted is sure, is more Blake's type. 'Cause, you know, Brian's everybody's type. Which is why Brian's had everybody, Ted adds. Mike's just about to protest, when Ted amends that he knows, "except [Mike]." Judge's ruling: Brian's had Michael longer than anybody. But I'm just saying. Ted continues, "Which is kind of weird, if you think about it." Mike's like, why is it weird? Brian's his best friend; everyone knows you're not supposed to have sex with your best friend. Personally, my best friend's fiancé will be happy to hear that. Ted: "Oh, right. Sex is something you have with complete strangers -- people you'll never see again unless you bump into them on the street, but never someone that you might actually give a shit about." Mike's expression says that his little pea brain might comprehend that this conversation might be taking place on two different levels, but he's not quite sure what the second one is. And the first might be a little cloudy, too. Or maybe he's just constipated. Basically, his face can be summed up as a big, ole, "HUH?" Ted breaks up the moment by laughing, "Who makes up these rules, anyway?" The two agree to cap it and get a drink. Or two or three.

An Amazonian drag queen who wishes she was RuPaul passes Ted and Michael as they cross the street. The camera follows the drag queen as she (he? What's the correct lingo? Cut me some slack, I'm still new here) steps up to the opposite curb, past two equally tall men making out...and Daphne and Justin. Daphne's wearing a shiny pink dress with a fluffy feather collar, that Judy Jetson was kind of enough to lend her. Justin's wearing a dark silver top and jeans. Justin's cute. Daphne's cuter. Daphne's all excited: "Ohmigod, look at that! Is it a girl or a boy?" Justin laughs and tells her not to point, "no matter what you see. Guys kissing guys, girls kissing girls." Like he's all wise and shit. Daphne: "Well, what if I see a guy kissing a girl? That would be something new down here." Yeah, if you see a guy kissing a girl, one of them isn't. Daphne tells him to stop acting like he's so experienced. Dawson...sorry, "Justin" says that he's more experienced than she is. He also reminds her that if they see Brian, she's supposed to act like she doesn't. She promises, even though we both know Justin's a dork.