Fade up on a computer monitor. A young man walks into view, and starts to strip. Pull back to Ted, who's watching at his desk while talking to Emmett and Mike on conference-phone. The screen splits in three to show Ted at work, Emmett arranging a window display, and Mike walking through The Big Q Mart, where he's a manager. They discuss Brian's new status as a father. Mike says the baby has Brian's nose, and Lindsay's eyes. Ted says that if the kid has Mel's dick, they're in big trouble. Yeah, but it's not her dick you should worry about, it's her balls. And my theory is that somehow, she got Michael's. Maybe Brian gave them to her as a peace offering at some point? That plan backfired brilliantly.
A really cute guy stops Michael and asks him where the jockey shorts are. He's so cute, in fact, that he gets like three "damns!" from me, and then another when I rewind so I can take a second look at him. Yeah, I'm in between boyfriends. Why do you ask? Emmett asks Ted if he's looking at cyberporn again. Ted's boss walks in and asks for some file or another. A picture of Michael looking all cute and happy is hidden under the file. So, Ted's crushing on Mikey, huh? Emmett tells Ted that he needs to be careful before his boss catches him surfing "cumquick.com" again. Heh. Ted points out that his boss is both blind and stupid, and it'll never happen. The boys hang up, and Michael voice-overs that Ted's life is like that story by Plato about those prisoners whose only external stimulus was the shadows thrown on the wall, and after a while, they started to believe that the shadows were real and had a life of their own. Like them, Ted's beginning to believe that the perfection found in cyberporn is reality, so he's stopped dealing with reality. Uh, yeah, whatever, Comic-Book Boy.
This scene is basically why this show doesn't suck. Michael walks across one of the store aisles, and two men pass him carrying baskets, with their arms around each other's waists. On the other side of the aisle, his co-worker, an overweight frowsy blonde, whom Emmett will later refer to as "Fat Marly," giggles, swings her wrist down, and mouths the word "fags." Michael laughs with her, and then hears something hitting the floor. He turns to see the couple's baskets on the ground, and they're gone. Because they SAW YOU, you wuss. It's a choice, Michael. You don't have to humor ignorance just because it's on the path of least resistance. GET. YOUR. BALLS. BACK. FROM. MELANIE. The woman has to sleep sometime. Drug her if you have to.
Brian has finally made it to work, and is presenting a new ad campaign to a client. The print ad features a scantily clad, oiled and buff Stud-Boy. A younger man fidgets with his wedding ring as Brian goes on about how, with this ad, their beer is "selling sex, not Clydesdales." Brian notices the ring, but doesn't seem too impressed by it. An older man at the table asks, "What about the model? Isn't he a little too --" Brian finishes with a sneer, "Gay?" Turning to the rest of the room, he says, "Ladies?" A woman who resembles Katherine Harris before she started doing her own makeup answers, " I wouldn't care. I'd go to bed with him anyway." Yeah, good luck with that, sweetheart. Brian asks the married guy what he thinks. He thinks that he hadn't thought about it. Brian directs The Sneer his way.
Justin at school. The locker room is a little...distracting this morning. Boys in the shower. Boys in tight football pants. Boys in the shower in tight football pants.
Cut to the football field, where Justin and Daphne are hanging out while he sketches the team. Justin tells Daphne that he and Brian had sex the night before. She just looks at him, nonchalantly, winning my heart forever. "Well," he says, "aren't you shocked?" "Not really," she replies. Hah! She figured he was gay, even though he never told her. Babe, he'd have to be to let you get away. Blasé, she offers him her veggie wrap, and asks him how it was. "Well, I started out a tight end, but ended up a wide receiver," he replies. I groan. Daphne giggles. I still love her, though.
Meeting's over. A blonde woman who sat in chats with Brian, and confirms that the married guy's married and has two children. Brian refrains from laughing out loud. Married Guy walks past them, asks them where the restroom is. After a second, Brian follows him. The blonde shakes her head. That Brian. Always buggering clients.
At school, Justin's giving Daphne graphic, schoolyard-boasting details. Daphne wrinkles her nose and says it must have hurt. Justin gets all fuzzy about it and basically says that it stopped hurting when he started falling in love. He just looked at Brian's face, and he looked so peaceful and happy, like he was in a beautiful place, "and that beautiful place was me." Urrrghhhh.
Back at the Ad agency, Brian has made the restroom faux pas of using the urinal right to the married guy. MG tells him it was a good presentation. Brian says, "That's what we're here for -- to please the client." I can't believe he gets away with lines like this. Oh, wait a minute. Brian's gorgeous. And self-confident. And Married Guy probably doesn't know where he's getting his same-sex nookie. Never mind.
Justin and Daphne. Daphne asks whether Brian is Justin's boyfriend. Justin says they just met. Daphne asks if Justin loves Brian. Justin confesses that he does. Daphne asks if Brian said that he loved Justin. Justin says that Brian did say it...right before he came! The Gay Men/Straight Girl World Coalition falls out laughing, except for one girl in the corner, who sticks a finger in her Judith Krantz novel as a bookmark and mutters, "I dunno. He might have meant it." RedDev turns to me and says, "Dude, did you invite her?"
In the bathroom, the Married Guy's stalling. Fidgeting, even. A lot. Finally he reaches to shake Brian's hand, and tells him it's been a pleasure. Brian: "It can be even more of one." Married Guy: "Excuse me?" Um. Duh. Brian rolls his eyes, and practically throws him into a stall. Brian moves in to like, inhale his entire face, and MG tries to stop him, saying, "I don't kiss." What, if you don't kiss men, you're not really gay? Oh, geez, that's probably it, huh? What a maroon. Brian ignores him, anyway. Brian pushes him face first into the stall, all to pulsing, aggressive music.
Okay, so you see the juxtaposition here, right? Justin's all, we're in love, and Brian's all, I'm gonna fuck the closeted gay man! And ne'er the twain shall meet.
Michael's having different problems. A young cashier, whom Michael calls Tracy, asks him if one of the guys can help her move a bunch of boxes. Michael agrees, and she scampers off. Marly, standing behind him, sneers, "Someone needs to tell her that Princess Di died, and they're not looking for a replacement." Yeah, and someone needs to tell Fat Marly that Mimi from The Drew Carey Show is alive, that she just called, and she wants her shtick back. Michael thinks Tracy is sweet. Marly completely switches gears: Oh, you think she's sweet, huh? Mike: Uh, yeah. Marly: And cute? Mike: Uh, sure. Turns out Tracy, heretofore known as SOL, is also crushing on the Ball-less Wonder, and Marly volunteered to scout out the sitch for her. Marly says she's never heard him say that he liked a girl before. He says he likes girls. Yeah, Mikey, like I like girls. They're fun to hang out with, but I don't want to have sex with them, either. Dude. It is physically painful watching you do this shit. P-Mimi tells him to meet them all for a drink after work at some place called Shoeless Joe's.
The Gym. Mikey's fuming. Emmett and Ted are basically ignoring him in favor of scoping out some guy in the corner; Emmett says he slept with him, and that he comes off as "a brutal top, but he's a big nelly bottom." I love Emmett. Ted: "I could have told you that." Hah! Michael's mad at them for not paying attention. Emmett assures him that they got it, and why doesn't he just tell the truth? Ted and Michael snort at his naïveté. Michael could be held back at work -- or worse, lose his job altogether. Ted tells Emmett that Michael isn't an obviously gay man, like Emmett is, and it's not easy in the straight world. Emmett lisps, "Are you saying I'm obvious?" Ted: "If the fuck-me-pumps fit..." I like Ted, too, but he just seems so sad. Emmett says that he, too, could act like "a real man." But he'd rather "let [his] flame burn bright. Instead of letting it be a puny little pilot light." If anyone can think of a way that I can bottle him up and carry him around with me, please let me know. Ted tells Mike to stay on the path of least resistance, which is what he always does, and look where's it's gotten him. He's being set up with a girl. He's halfway to being that guy that Brian's having sex with in the restroom, and -- oh, wait, could this be Mike's secret strategy to get Brian? Nah, he's not that bright. Might have worked, though. Emmett hands Michael a football magazine so he can "bone up" (snarf), "in case the conversation veers from Liza's weight problem."
Cut to Justin and his mother in his room. She says he already stayed over at Daphne's the night before, he's not going tonight. He says he's going. Instead of saying, "No you're not, you little brat!" she doesn't say anything. On his way to scrambling through his closet for clothes, he ends up throwing a shirt right in her face. And doesn't even apologize. Not even Dawson is this bad. Come on, now. Who's in control, here? Why can't this grown-ass woman demand that her seventeen-year-old son stay home? And apparently, the friend he's staying over with is supposed to be Daphne. Justin's mom doesn't know he's gay. Has she met Daphne? Or does she think Daphne's gay? Is that why it's okay for her adolescent son to stay over at his adolescent girl friend's house? At any rate, Justin leaves, because he wants to, and maybe because Melanie has his Mom's balls, too. She sighs and starts to pick up his clothes. And finds Brian's jockstrap. BUS-TED!
Later that evening, Brian drops Michael off at Shoeless Joe's. He negates that gesture of good will by bitching Mike out the whole way there about not telling his co-workers that he's gay. Who cares what people think, Brian asks with the trademark sneer; neither of them have anything to be ashamed of. Maybe so, Michael replies, in a rare show of spine, but he noticed that Brian's already re-painted the Jeep, even after he said he vowed he wouldn't. The same day, even. "Well, I didn't want to have to take the trouble of kicking the ass of everyone who made a comment, so I got the Jeep painted," Brian replies. Actually, no, he doesn't say that. He's just a big, fat hypocrite. Mike makes another comic-book reference, wishing he could come up with a code word or phrase to use if things get bad in there, so Brian would know to come and rescue him. I suggest, "It sucks having a collapsible spine." Brian suggests "buttplug." I like mine better. Mike points out that that's going to be hard to work into a conversation. Heh. Brian pushes him out of the damn car. If he didn't, I would have. But thank God -- an inkling why these two might be friends, aside from Mike's perpetual hard-on for Brian. Mike notes that Shoeless Joe's is "Breeder Central."
Mike walks in, and yup, it's the straightest place in the world, right down to the country music and the five TVs turned to football. He finds Fat Marly and SOL in a booth in the back, with two other guys who give him the stink-eye right off. One of them is named "Harv," and looks like a narrow-minded, mean version of John Goodman, so we all know what we're dealing with right off. Marly makes Michael sit to SOL. Marly makes SOL ask him if he's seeing anyone. Luckily, that question is easy to answer. SOL's embarrassed, but Mike says she shouldn't be, because who wants to get involved with someone who's already seeing someone. Fuck are you doing, Michael? Shut up, shut up, SHUT UP! SOL isn't seeing anyone either. Her last boyfriend was a "doofus," although she didn't know it at the time. "There's so much you don't know at the time," she says. Oh, the irony! And, prithee tell, why was he a doofus? Well, one time, he couldn't fix the sink. And she's like, just fix it! And he wouldn't! Or couldn't! What a dork! She means her ex. I mean her. Fix the damn sink yourself. Princess Di DID die, they AREN'T looking for a replacement, fix it yourself. She probably broke up with her boyfriend and called a plumber, over a clogged sink that just needed half a cap of Drano. Chicks like her give me nosebleeds.
Brian's at Lindsay and Melanie's. Lindsay and Melanie want him to sign a million-dollar life insurance policy, with Gus as the beneficiary. The idea gives Brian the creeps. Melanie tries to start a fight with him, since he promised he'd help support the baby. "It's just in case something happens to you." Brian: "I can just imagine the grisly deaths you've conjured up for me." Melanie: "Well, what if you get sick, and can't work?" Ding, ding, ding! Ohhh, Brian realizes that she's talking about his getting AIDS. Well, he tested negative six months ago, and he's very careful. Melanie: "Yeah, and you've only had, what? A hundred and eighty-two one-night stands since then." This is degenerating fast. St. Lindsay breaks it up by reminding Brian that this is for their son, to take care of him. Brian: "And all I have to do is die."
Shoeless Joe's. They're all talking about football. The Steelers' chances for a title, specifically. One of the guys -- who may or may not be Harv, but really, who cares? -- doesn't think it can happen. SOL: "Don't say that! You've got to believe! Right, Michael?" Michael: "Yeah, like Cher!" Ooops! The table goes quiet. The other guy asks Michael if he even watches football. Michael tells him he watches it constantly. There's that stink-eye again. The guy asks him what he thinks. Michael pauses, and then rattles off a bunch of generic stuff about defensive lines that could apply to any team in the league who's having a bad season. The table relaxes. Who are these people? Mike looks relieved, proving just how stupid you can be in one day.
Saved by the Cell. It's Brian. Once again, he needs Mike, and he expects him to heel. Mike says that they're nice people, and he's having a good time. Brian: "Do you think they'd be really nice if they knew about this little charade you're playing? They'd probably tie you to a fence and bash your head in. There are only two kinds of straight people in this world -- the ones that hate you to your face, and the ones that hate you behind your back."
Time for what I like to call "Camper's PSAs." It is possible to live your life, be yourself, not have to answer to anyone, and yet avoid resorting to reverse discrimination. Hating someone because there's a historical probability that they might hate you first, doesn't do anyone any good. Never has, never will. Love, Camper, your friendly neighborhood minority recapper.
Brian and Michael walk into some dive, where Emmett is singing "Think" by Aretha Franklin. He sounds horrible, but looks great. Brian and Michael go stand over to Ted at the bar. Brian looks like he's finally about to relax. You know, for someone who has sex as much as he does, he's really tense. And then he sees Justin. Whose name he can't remember. Again. Still. Michael:" If I can remember his name, and I didn't even fuck him, why can't you?" Brian: "Because I did." Justin looks so hopeful, the Gay Man/Straight Girl World Coalition has to turn away. If we had a gun, we'd shoot him and put him out of his misery. But as you can probably guess, we don't.
"Hey, Dawson," Brian smirks, "How's the Creek?" Whatever, Brian. Why don't you just ignore him, like any other man would? Emmett finishes his song and gets off stage with a flourish, "You know, for a gay white boy, I'd make a fucking fabulous black woman." Uh, yeah, I love you, Emmett, I do, but take it from this fucking fabulous black woman -- it isn't as easy as it looks. Ask Daphne if you don't believe me. Ted offers to buy everyone a drink, but Brian wants to move on: "I've had everyone here." Justin looks hurt. The Gay Man/Straight Girl World Coalition winces. BURN. Michael, once again trying to keep up, says, "You haven't had me." Brian replies, "Oh, yeah?" Michael's on a roll tonight, apparently. Ted and Emmett insist that Brian tell the story: one day when Brian and Michael were fourteen, they were upstairs in Michael's room with a celebrity magazine, lusting off a picture of Patrick Swayze. Michael got a woody, Brian was just about to take care of that for him...and Michael's mom walked in without knocking. Justin, happy to be included in the hijinks, laughs: "They always do." And then he sticks a knife in my chest by continuing, "Dirty Dancing. That's a really old movie." "Really old"? "Really old"? Brian replies, "It's not that old." Yeah! Brian and I were only...Justin's...age...when that came out. Oh, GOD. Justin: "How old are you?" ignoring the thunder overhead. Brian, making the exact mistake I made on a hill in Tuscany a few months ago, asks, "How old do you think I am?" Justin gives the same answer I got: "Thirty-three?" Ted, Emmett, and Michael bust up. So, this is all a flashback to an awkward travel story for me, only there was no laughter. Anywhere. Thirty-three. I do not freakin' look thirty-three. Ted tells Justin that Brian is twenty-nine: "Only a year to go until thirty, and then he might as well be dead!" Brian: "You would know." Brian bolts outside under an angry little black cloud. He really does give good Sneer, which is fortunate, since it's his principal expression. Makes you feel like he's doing you a favor by holding you in utter contempt.
Michael, Ted, and Emmett follow Brian out to the Jeep, but Brian's not interested in any of them joining him. Michael yells at Brian for leaving him with Justin, that Justin is Brian's responsibility. I don't quite get that; he didn't come...uh, show up with Justin, so how is Justin his responsibility anywhere other than in a court of law? Brian snaps at Michael that his only responsibility is to himself, and I'm sort of agreeing with him here. I mean, after all, the kid did say that Brian looked like he was thirty-three. To hell with him. Michael tells Brian to calm down. Brian hugs him tightly, and then bails. Gale Harold needs to work on those emotional changes; I'm not sure if that hug was, "I understand that you're being a good friend, but I gotta go." Or "I know that me hugging you is going to distract you from nagging me, and this is the best way for me to get the hell out of here without having to listen to any more of your crap." Given the context, either one is possible. Emmett asks Michael if he wants to go to Babylon, and not to waste his Friday night just because Brian is once again being an uncompromising asshole. Ted says that he's not in the mood for Babylon, and they should go to Boytoy: "I haven't been snubbed by a twinkie in weeks." What's he doing chasing after twinkies? Yeah, I know, all of a sudden, I'm an expert. Just asking. Mike says they can't just leave Justin, and Ted tells him it's not their problem. "Oh, it's my problem?" Michael asks. "No," Ted shoots back, "Brian is your problem." "Let him clean up his own messes for a change," Emmett agrees. Word. Justin got there by himself, he can leave by himself. Make sure he has a way home, and then go on with your pathetic life.
But of course, Mike bails on the guys to hang out with Justin. They end up at the Liberty Diner, sitting at the bar. Justin is pouting, "I came all the way to see him, and he doesn't want anything to do with me," severely trying the patience of the GM/SGWC. Mike, speaking for all of us, tells Justin that Brian is not his boyfriend. Justin whines that Michael just doesn't un-der-sta-annd! The things we did! The way he kissed meeeeeee! You just don't know! You don't know ANYTHING!!!! The GM/SGWC sighs heavily. But we're not bitter. Michael says that Brian is a selfish prick, and that Justin should forget about him. The GM/SGWC starts a pool. I've got twenty bucks riding on NOT. The bartender, Debbie -- played by Sharon Gless wearing a red fright wig, a t-shirt that says something or another, and a rainbow-colored vest covered with gay-friendly buttons -- steps up to take their order, cheerful as all hell: "Hiya, boys," she says with a thousand-watt smile. "You getting any tonight?" Michael is appalled. And who can blame him? She looks like she just got off-shift at the circus headlining as "P-FLAG The Clown." Michael introduces Justin, saying he's "new." But not as new as he was last night. Sorry, it just popped out. I mean, I couldn't help it. You know what I mean. Debbie tells Justin that he's adorable, and "every guy in here has his eye on you tonight, sweetheart!" Justin perks up and looks around the diner to see if she's right. Love is a fickle thing, isn't it? Michael orders the chicken-fried steak, "with no remarks," and Justin will have a bacon cheeseburger. Because he's just a kid. In case you forgot since it was last implied five minutes ago. Debbie tells him to say "please." Michael says please. "Coming right up," Debbie says perkily. " After all, you can't cruise all night on an empty stomach!" She pats Justin's cheek in passing. Once she leaves Justin snorts, "What a freak!" Michael: "She takes some getting used to, but once you do, you can't help but love her." Justin's like, whatever. Sharon returns with Michael's food. "Thanks, Mom," Michael says with a sweet smile, and kisses her on the cheek. "You're welcome, baby," she coos. Justin's jaw drops to the bar. Michael presses his cheek to Debbie's so that Justin can see that they look alike -- and the odd thing is, they kinda do.
Outside, Justin says that Michael is lucky that his Mom is so supportive, because his mother would kill him if she found out he was gay. Michael says that it gives Debbie a purpose: "If I wasn't gay, she'd probably be playing bingo instead of organizing Pride marches and handing out condoms." Hah! Justin asks Michael if Brian's such a jerk, why Michael is always following him around. Michael protests that he doesn't follow Brian around, that they're best friends: "No questions, no obligations. We accept each other for who we are!" Which is bullshit. Justin opines, "You're just waiting for him to finish jerking you off." That would have been my guess, too. Michael's done with him, and flaps Justin off, "Go on, chicken! Go home to your coop!" "Chicken" because Justin's young. I know you've forgotten already.
Debbie's done at the diner, and joins Michael on the curb. She asks about Justin and is told he went home. "That's okay. He was too young for you, anyway." I gotta hand it the writers -- you'd think it would be more difficult to type with your FISTS. Michael rolls his eyes, and walks Debbie home.
Back in Lindsay and Melanie's bedroom, Lindsay's breastfeeding in a rocking chair, while Melanie sits on the bed, going over the invitation list for Gus's bris. Melanie gazes at Lindsay and Gus and says that she never realized that breastfeeding was so beautiful. So...sexy. St. Lindsay puts the baby in his crib and climbs into bed with Melanie. Melanie proves that anything some little boy can do, she can do better. In any other soft-core porno this would be where the '70s pimp jazz pipes in, but apparently, on this program, there is no music when the lesbians make out. No Indigo Girls, no Ani DiFranco, nothing. And this scene only lasts about five seconds total, until Melanie pulls away and sighs, "Well, I guess that's all we can do for now." Gyp! They pull away from each other, and settle down to go to sleep. Lindsay says that thirty-four guests is a lot, but they probably won't all show up. Melanie hopes "that one guest in particular doesn't."
In his penthouse loft, the guest in question is surfing gay chat rooms.
Back to Melanie and Lindsay. St. Lindsay feels bad about what happened earlier, worried that Brian thinks that they want something bad to happen to him. Melanie says that the insurance policy is sensible, he said he'd help, and besides which, Lindsay did all the work, all Brian did was "show up at the hospital with his latest trick." Lindsay tells her that at least he showed up. Melanie sits up, snaps on the light and shrieks that she doesn't understand why Lindsay puts up with Brian's shit. I don't see why not -- she puts up with yours. St. Lindsay replies that she doesn't put up with Brian's shit -- she understands it: "He lives his life the way he wants, no regrets, no apologies, and I admire him for that." Which is just fine, as long as you stay out of the way, and giving birth to his child doesn't really accomplish that. Just my two cents. Melanie: "Well, you can put up with it, I don't have to." And for one blissful second, I thought she was going to get up and leave forever. But, no, she turns the light off, and goes to sleep instead. Lucky Lindsay.
Back in his loft, Brian downloads a picture off the internet, pulls out a measuring tape, holds it up to the screen, and grins. "Yes," he purrs. Actually purrs. That's pretty funny.
Mike and Debbie, walking home. Debbie asks him what he's doing after he drops her off. Mike tells her he's going to an "all-night orgy." Debbie: "Oh, that sounds like fun!" Hee. Michael, exasperated: "No, Mom, I'm really going back to my gay apartment, taking off my gay clothes, getting into my gay bed, and going to sleep!" Gaily. Debbie asks him what he's so cranky about. Michael tells her it's Brian. Debbie rolls her eyes, indicating that it's always Brian. She asks what he did now, in a tone that also indicates that it's always Brian. Michael, who's fully aware that it is ALWAYS FUCKING BRIAN, tells her to never mind about it. Because it's just some damn stupid thoughtless rash thing that Brian did, and odds are, it's the same damn stupid thoughtless rash thing he's been doing for the past fifteen years. Debbie reminds Michael that he always lets Brian get to him, and that she keeps hoping that he'll meet someone else someday -- someone who's not a prick and will actually love him. I'm paraphrasing, but not by much.
The lights are all on at Debbie's house. Debbie freaks out, "Something must be wrong with Vic!" She and Michael run into the house. Vic is at the living room table, bent over some papers. Debbie rushes up to him: "Why are all the lights on? Are you in pain?" Heck, yeah, he is -- his credit card bill just came, and their trip to Italy is on it. Apparently, they went first class all the way, including airline tickets. I wish I'd flown first-class to Italy. Instead, I was in Coach with the entire ninth grade class from Dowagic Middle School. I swear to God, if that girl had kicked my seat one more time... "It's all here." Vic moans. "Trouble is, so am I." Debbie tells him to not say that, that's he's "lucky to be alive." Doesn't say why, although I could probably guess. But we're almost done, so I'll leave a little something for week. Vic doesn't know how he's going to pay for all of it. Debbie shrugs, a twinkle in her eye. "Hustle?" She and Vic crack up. Yeah, yeah, she's lovable. Just a little hard to look at, and as luck would have it, I lost my sunglasses sometime in September.
Michael, seeing that everything is okay, runs up to his old bedroom. The walls are covered with posters of comic-book heroes, and the shelves are full of toy soldiers and the like. Michael opens a chest at the foot of the bed and pulls out a magazine. You know, the one with Patrick Swayze? Yes, Michael kept it. And yes, Michael flashes back to that day with Brian, and starts to jerk off -- geez, how much could a one-way ticket back from Loserville possibly cost, seriously -- and Debbie walks in with a load of laundry, without knocking. You saw that coming. Please tell me you saw that coming. Err, so to speak. Aw man, I have got to do something about that! She looks down at the magazine and casually says, "Oh, you still don't have a crush on him, do you?" I think there's a double meaning there. Ya think?
Back at the Penthouse in the Sky, Brian's checking himself out in the mirror. He really is damn sexy. Don't think I don't hate him for it. Damn sexy. Huh. He snorts. "I'd fuck you!" he says to himself, and not to me, sadly. Yes, I know, he's gay, but hot is hot. You think I watch The Practice for the storylines? Please. Have you seen Dylan McDermott?
The doorbell rings. Brian saunters to the intercom, and buzzes his guest up. He opens the door, and of course it's Justin. Brian brushes him off, but Justin's determined, desperate, and says he just wants to talk to him. To his credit, Brian doesn't laugh in his face. Brian's actual guest -- who looks like that punk guy in Some Kind of Wonderful, except dressed in more leather -- walks up the stairs behind Justin, and suggestively brushes by Brian on his way into the loft. Justin's still not sure what's going on. Leather Guy asks who Justin is, and Brian says, very firmly, looking directly at the boy, "No one." Justin won't quit, and insists that he need to see Brian. Brian says he's busy. Leather Guy tells them both that he doesn't mind a threesome, but Justin's kind of young. WE KNOW. Brian says Justin's leaving. In the voice of all jealous boyfriends -- and girlfriends, for that matter -- Justin asks Brian, "Who's he?" Keep up, babydoll. Brian introduces Leather Guy as "Mr. Goodfuck." Mr. Goodfuck: "George, actually." Ha! Brian couldn't care less. Justin yells at Brian, "You don't even know him!" The GM/SGWC screams in unison: "HELLO!!! HE DIDN'T KNOW YOU, EITHER!!!!" Brian tells Justin to go home. Go home, Justin. Justin finally bolts down the stairs. Brian turns back to Mr. Goodfuck. George remarks that Brian didn't treat Justin very nicely. Brian: "Who are you, Father Goodfuck?" George stares at him, arms folded. I may never stop laughing. Brian sighs heavily and growls, "Fine! I'll be right back." Before he closes the door behind him he snaps, "Make yourself comfortable. And don't steal anything!"
Brian catches up with Justin just as he's about to get into his car. Justin's all kinds of upset. Brian tells him that Michael is right, he doesn't "do" boyfriends, not his own at any rate. "You'll fuck anyone!" Justin cries, and The Coalition, although we feel badly for him, can't help a sharp, sarcastic, collective gasp. We're bitches, we know. Brian: "It was just for fun. We wanted each other, we had sex, what did you think was going on?" Justin thinks that he's been an idiot. I wanna hug him, and this scene is really painful, as the birth of a cynic always is. But the boy has to learn sometime. Brian: "I don't believe in love. I believe in fucking. It's honest, it's efficient, and you get out with a maximum of pleasure and a minimum of bullshit. Love is something that straight people tell themselves they're in so they can get laid. And then they end up hurting each other because it was all based on lies to begin with. Is that what you want? Then go and find yourself a pretty little girl and get married." But don't be getting any ideas about Daphne, Justin. I mean it. By this time, Justin is openly weeping. "That's not what I want," Justin cries. "I want you." Brian replies, "You can't have me. I'm too old -- you're too young for me. I'm twenty-eight." Justin corrects him: he's twenty-nine. "All the more reason," Brian continues. Brian gently tells Justin to go home, and watches his car pull away. I gotta say, both actors did an excellent job with that scene. Brian took away Justin's innocence and faith, and for once, he has to face the consequences of his actions. And he doesn't look too pleased about possibly sending another Brian out into the world, I gotta tell you.
week: Melanie's still pissed off at Brian for existing. Lindsey is still humoring her, and Brian still isn't. The Hot Dancing Gay Boys continue to shake their groove thangs at Babylon, and it looks like Justin has joined their ranks. On his off time, he's stalking Brian some more. Michael and Brian almost kiss but don't, and Michael runs into SOL in the 'hood, so he's having another great night. Ted might get laid this century, though. They don't show Emmett, but he better be in there somewhere. Daphne, too, darn it.