Constant Craving

S01E05

He then reconsiders, and asks Cameron if he minds if he makes a phone call, because there's this boy and nobody's keeping an eye on him. Cameron looks a little annoyed, but tells him to go ahead. Vince rings Stuart back and reiterates what he said earlier about Nathan, imploring him to look after the boy, but Stuart's call waiting beeps and he has to put Vince on hold. It's Marie, pissed off at him for not showing up to babysit. "Ben's been crying his eyes out; that's all he needs -- another man to abandon him," she fumes. Stuart protests that he did phone, and left a message telling her that it's a work emergency. "You're in a bar! I can hear it!" Marie shouts. "How many dates do you think I get, anyway? A mother with two kids." Stuart's call waiting beeps again, and he puts her on hold. It's Sandra this time, saying that Martin Brooks's wife is on the phone, searching for him because their roof's fallen in or something. "I'm not here," Martin says, when Stuart tells him his wife's looking for him. "He's not here," Stuart lies. Vince, still on hold, looks apologetically at Cameron and explains that Stuart had another call. Cameron asks him to put the phone down, just for a minute, and Vince reluctantly agrees. No sooner has he hung up than it rings again, and Vince apologizes to Cameron before answering it. It's Marie, demanding that Vince let her talk to Stuart, and Vince tells her that he's not with Stuart. "You're always with him!" she exclaims, not believing him, and tells him how Stuart's made her miss her date. Then Vince's call waiting goes, and it's Sandra, also demanding that Vince put Stuart on the phone. "I know full well he's taken Martin Brooks to some godforsaken dive," she says angrily. "I'm not with Stuart," Vince repeats. "His wife's going mental!" Sandra cries. "Whose wife?" asks Vince. "Martin Brooks's!" Sandra shouts. "Who the hell is Martin Brooks?" Vince wonders, just as his call waiting beeps again. It's Stuart, complaining that Vince hung up on him. "Are you with Martin Brooks?" Vince asks. Stuart is incredulous. "How do you know Martin Brooks?" "I've got Sandra chasing Martin Brooks," Vince informs him. "I've never heard of Martin Brooks," Stuart tells Vince, who clicks back to Marie, saying, "He's not with Martin Brooks." "Who the hell is Martin Brooks?" Marie asks, clearly irritated -- as is Cameron, who's sitting there steaming like a Christmas pudding. Vince apologises to Marie and clicks over to Sandra, telling her that Stuart isn't with Martin Brooks. "He is with Martin Brooks, and his roof has fallen in!" "Whose roof's fallen in?" asks Vince. "MARTIN BROOKS'S!" Sandra yells at him. Vince, totally confused at this point, clicks back to Marie and asks, "Is your date with Martin Brooks?" "Who the FUCK is Martin Brooks?" she shouts. "I don't know, but he's got a wife and a dodgy roof," Vince tells her. "Wait a minute, I know a Martin Brooks," Cameron says, taking the phone from Vince's hands. He then walks outside and throws the phone in the canal. "Oi! That's my phone!" Vince cries. Cameron turns him around and lays a huge kiss on him. "Call me," he says, walking away. "What with?" asks Vince, very justifiably pissed off. I think his behaviour was rude, but I'd have a hard time letting someone walk away without a bloody nose if they threw my mobile into the canal. Then again, I'd have a hard time letting someone walk away without a bloody nose if they walked in front of the television while Eastenders is on, so maybe it's just me.

Across town, Marie is practically begging Stuart to babysit for her that night. She says that, since the boys' father walked out on the family, she thinks it would be good for them to have Stuart around a bit more. She also has her first date since the split, and Stuart asks her what the guy's name is. Marie tells him he's called Malcolm, and Stuart snorts with derision. Marie says that he's just some guy from work, and that he's a bit of an "eejit." I rewound this scene about seven times, out of sheer disbelief that anyone outside an episode of Father Ted actually pronounces "idiot" like that. Mr. della femina confirmed that it certainly sounded to him like she said "eejit." "Watch out for Michael Flatley and the Riverdance troupe," he warned me. I informed him that this show does have its camp moments, but that would be taking it a bit far. (SPOILER WARNING -- Michael Flatley never does make an appearance. You can breathe, now.) In any case, Marie is less than enthusiastic about this Malcolm guy, but as she says, the fact that he even asked her out is "good enough for [her]." She asks Stuart if he ever goes out on any proper dates, like out to dinner. "I did once. I shagged the waiter," he confesses. Shocker. Stuart finally agrees to babysit, despite the fact that he's up to his eyes in work at the moment. What an altruistic streak he has, that Stuart.

The first we see of Vince this episode, he's working at the supermarket, but has taken a break to get some shopping in for Hazel, who's on his cell phone advising him of what to bring back, while Vince tells her what all is on special that week. Hazel asks him to get a box of Weetabix, and Vince replies, "I thought twenty Benson [& Hedges] were your breakfast." Hazel says that the Weetabix isn't for her, it's for Nathan. "I'm not shopping for him!" Vince cries defiantly, wondering if she wants her to bring home some instant pudding and diapers for him, too. "Get me a big box of Surf," Hazel tells him. "I've got double the laundry. It's all bed sheets; I'd forgotten how much teenaged boys masturbate." Vince is totally grossed out. "Stiff as a board," remarks Hazel, only making things worse. Bernard, who's sitting at the kitchen table, assembling Christmas crackers, jokingly tells Hazel, "Don't wash them, I'll have them." Hazel tells Vince what Bernard said, and Vince replies, "It's like an 0898 [976] number!" He says to Hazel that he'll bring the shopping over later that afternoon, and that they're going to have a talk about Nathan. It's been two weeks since Nathan moved in and it's time he left, Vince says, hanging up the phone. He turns around abruptly, almost walking smack into Cameron. Vince, completely oblivious, excuses himself and gives the basket of groceries to a co-worker to stash under staff discount. "If you're busy, I'll just go," Cameron says, getting Vince's attention. Vince looks truly surprised, and reintroduces himself -- a bit unnecessarily -- to Cameron, remarking what a coincidence it is, them running into each other in the store. Yes, I think it's safe to say that Vince rode the little bus to school when he was a kid. Anyway, Cameron tells him that it's not really a coincidence, because Phil told him that Vince worked there, and he came by to ask Vince if he'd like to go to dinner. Vince tries to beg off, saying he has to work. Cameron tells him there's no pressure, gives him his business card and says, "Call me." Vince looks absolutely terrified.

"Why's it gotta be me?" Stuart is asking Sandra, as they walk through the office together. "He's got a wife and three kids, one of them at Oxford, so no shock tactics. Just dinner, a few brandies and get him to sign," Sandra tells him sternly as they approach a fat, middle-aged man called Martin Brooks. "Martin," Stuart greets him, his voice cracking in the most comical way, though I don't think it was intentional. I'm just easily amused. Martin tells Stuart that he's heard a lot about him. "All of it lies," Stuart says. Stop him if you've heard this one before, because I know I have. Stuart's mobile phone rings, and he turns away to take the call. "So...we're talking, now?" he asks. "Shut yer face," Vince says. (I second that, in case it warrants mentioning.) "Complete emergency. I've been asked out. On a date!" We then cut to a shot of Stuart and Vince in Stuart's Jeep, pulled over in what appears to be the median of the motorway. Stuart is turning Cameron's business card over in his hand and asks Vince if he looks good. "Well, like he used to be nice -- when he was young. He's, what, at least thirty-six. And he's an accountant, so he's probably going to sell me a pension. Phil's dead, so he's got to get up on his books," Vince quips. Stuart laughs and tells him he should seduce Cameron over the portfolios. "Other things I could be doing," Vince says, "like throwing that kid out of my mother's house." Stuart giggles. "Thought you might apologize," Vince tells him, reiterating just how stupid he can be. "Day like that," says Stuart, referring to the day of Phil's funeral, "you need a shag at the end of it." "Trouble is, he's waiting for the shag. So he's gonna stop [stay] at Hazel's till he gets it," Vince says with annoyance. "Why does it bother you?" Stuart asks. "'Cos every time I go round to Hazel's, there he is. She's cooking him tea [dinner]! Same old story. It's like that Alan Lucas; he falls in love with you and ends up locking himself in my bathroom -- bolts the door and everything! Said he wouldn't shift till you came round. He was in there three hours. He was eating toothpaste. I couldn't use my own toilet. I had to piss in the sink! That's what happens because of you. Pissing in my own sink..." Vince is cut off by Stuart, who -- in keeping with his habit of completely ignoring anything negative said about him, ever -- has called Cameron from his cell phone. "Yes, I've got Mr. Tyler here for you," he says officially, grinning at Vince. "Putting you through." Vince doesn't want to take the phone, but eventually does. Cameron asks him if that was his secretary. "No, he's a trainee. A bit useless," Vince answers emphatically. Cameron asks Vince out to dinner again, and Vince says that he's sort of busy, but that he'll give Cameron a call sometime. Cameron persists, and Vince eventually says, "All right, then. Okay," and hangs up, telling Stuart that he's having dinner with Cameron in a few hours. "Yes!" Stuart exclaims, honking the horn. He jumps on top of the driver's seat and stands up through the sunroof. "He's got a date!" he calls out to the passing cars. "I've got a pension," Vince replies. "Y'bastard."

Back at work, Stuart is telling Martin Brooks that Sandra could get them tickets to a concert, but Martin has other ideas, saying he thought it would be more fun if they could go to "[Stuart's] sort of place." "My kind of place?" Stuart asks. "Your sort of place," Martin repeats. "Jesus Christ, is there no one straight left in the world?" Stuart cries out, laughing as they walk away from the office.

Janice is at Hazel's, telling Nathan that she'll be over on Sunday night to check his history project, which is due on Monday, and asks Hazel if that's okay. Hazel tells her it's fine, and invites her to stay for dinner on Sunday. "It's like having two mothers!" Nathan complains. "And whose fault is that?" Janice asks him pointedly. Nathan storms out, and Hazel tells her to give it time. "We'll wear him down," she says. "I've banned Eastenders -- he's livid." And you know I can't let this pass without comment, being the huge Eastenders fan that I am, but that does sound like a pretty harsh punishment. So, good for Hazel. In the kitchen, Vince is putting away the groceries, and turns around to face Janice. "It's very simple," he tells her. "You go upstairs, pack his bags, shove him in the car and take him home. Who's in charge, you or him?" Don't you think it would be cool if Vince could be half as assertive with Stuart as he's being with this poor woman? I do. Janice starts to cry, and says that Nathan keeps threatening to run off to London, and she doesn't want to lose him. Hazel reassures her that as long as he stays there at her house, he's safe. Janice wonders what she's done wrong, and Hazel tells her, "He's fifteen. Some boys don't come out of the closet -- they explode." Vince asks Janice about Nathan's Dad, and she says that he won't talk about it, and that she literally has no one to talk to about the situation. She's frightened that the school will find out and tell Social Services, who will then come and interview Helen, Nathan's little sister, who's only ten years old, and then put her name on the register of neglected children. Hazel tries to comfort her, telling her that Social Services wouldn't do that. "They'd just visit," she says. "Oh, and you'd know, wouldn't you?" Janice shoots back, still crying. She quickly apologizes, and says that she's got it wrong. "Somewhere down the line, I got it all wrong," she laments, asking Vince to keep an eye on Nathan if he spots him on Canal Street. After she leaves, Hazel makes a beeline for her son. "Oh, well done, Vince. Reduce a grown woman to tears. Like no one's talked to her till you come blundering in. What's the matter with you?" "I've got a date," Vince says, sounding as surprised as Hazel looks. How this passes as an excuse for being unusually cruel to Janice, I have no idea. We see Vince looking at himself in the mirror at his place. "No, I do not want a pension. Cameron, just stop right there," he sternly lectures his reflection, wagging a finger at the mirror. "No pension. NO!"

As he walks to the restaurant where he's meeting Cameron, Vince is on his mobile to Stuart, telling him that it's all his fault. "If I end up with life insurance and endowment policies, stocks and shares and things, you're paying for it all." Stuart is walking down Canal Street with Mr. Brooks. "I've got a new friend named Martin, so you won't be missed," he informs Vince. Just like when he went to meet Rosalie Cotter and his workmates at the pub, Vince starts freaking out. "OH my God. I'm here. I'm going in!" he announces. "Good luck," Stuart tells him. "Keep your phone on, and Vince..." Stuart turns away so Martin can't hear him. "Just remember one thing," he says. "You're fantastic." "I'm a fantastic twat," Vince replies, hanging up his mobile and walking to the bar, where Cameron is waiting for him. Seated at their table, Vince rattles off a list of the many pubs and clubs he frequents. Cameron comments that that must make him quite a "scene queen," but Vince says that no, he just goes out a lot. Correction: He just chases after Stuart a lot, failing to get laid in the process. There's a difference. Vince asks Cameron why he doesn't hang out in all the gay clubs. "Vince, what is there on that street that could surprise me?" he asks. Vince wonders how Cameron expects to ever meet someone if he doesn't go down there. Cameron smiles and gives a little wave. "Hello," he says. Vince, shitting himself that this guy actually likes him and that's why they're, you know, on a date, starts babbling about appetizers. "Where's that wine?" he asks, glancing around nervously. Cameron looks totally wise to Vince, which isn't really saying much. But still, finally we have a character who doesn't need a boot to the skull. Rejoice!

At a club on Canal Street, Stuart is hangin' with Martin Brooks, who looks like a much fatter version of Mr. Bentley from The Jeffersons. Stuart asks him if he sees anyone he likes. He looks at Stuart and says, "Just one." Martin then tells a rather uncomfortable-looking Stuart that he'll sign the contract if Stuart has sex with him. Man, having to give fat Bentley from The Jeffersons a rimjob still wouldn't be punishment enough for the way Stuart acts, but it would come awfully close. Thinking fast, Stuart tells him that the guy he was on the phone with earlier was his boyfriend, who's just seeing his accountant that night. "Sorry," Martin says, looking very embarrassed. "I'll sign anyway." Pointing over the balcony at Nathan, who's at the bar with Donna, Stuart says, "What about him? He's up for anything. I'll put a good word in for you." See, this is shitty of Stuart, but since the subject of his shittiness is Nathan, for one nanosecond my heart is full of love for old Stu. And then, as quickly as they came, any positive feelings about him take their leave of me. "How old is he?" Martin asks Stuart curiously. "Fifteen," Stuart replies. "Fifteen? It's a bit revolting, isn't it?" Stuart takes a sip of his drink. "Ab-so-lutely," he smiles. Well, at least he's at peace with himself. Down on the first floor of the bar, Donna -- who looks totally beautiful, with her hair in cute little bunches and a sheer frock on -- is talking to Nathan, when Dazz approaches them. Nathan hastily says that he and Donna were just going. "We're not!" Donna protests. "We just got here!" Dazz looks at her friend evenly and says, "Nathan, love, calm down. This might come as a shock, but I'm not in love with you." It's a very enjoyable moment, but my notes also bear the line, "Dazz can't act," followed by a few hundred exclamation points and underlined ten times. Really, he cannot act. He's cute, though. Dazz turns to Donna and says he'll be right back, asking her to get him a dry martini (who is he, Ward Cleaver?) and introduces himself by his proper name, Daniel. After he's out of earshot, Donna looks at a sheepish Nathan and asks, "Daniel? Daniel from last night? The six-foot-two barrister with the BMW?" Nathan, taking great offense, replies, "No! That's a different Daniel." Yeah, Nathan, and your mother only put you in a plastic bag as an infant to keep you fresh -- or at least she should have. Whatever. Donna laughs at him, as does the audience, for neither the first nor the last time.

With Cameron away from the table for a loo break, Vince has -- of course -- called Stuart. "Nightmare," he says to Stu. "He says he's thirty-six, the liar. I'm sitting here with an old man. It's like the auditions for Cocoon 3." Hee! Nathan comes up behind Stuart and tells him to say hello to Vince for him. "Uh, some twat says hello," Stuart says. Hmm, I need to go through my QaF DVDs and see if every episode features at least two uses of the word "twat." I'll let you know. Vince tells Stuart to keep an eye on Nathan, because Janice "had a real go at [him]" that afternoon. She didn't, actually, but anyway. "Never mind him," Stuart responds. "Think about yourself for once." Not that this bit of advice would be of more use when it comes to Vince's dealings with Stuart or anything, right? Cameron comes back to the table and Vince shuts his phone. He then reconsiders, and asks Cameron if he minds if he makes a phone call, because there's this boy and nobody's keeping an eye on him. Cameron looks a little annoyed, but tells him to go ahead. Vince rings Stuart back and reiterates what he said earlier about Nathan, imploring him to look after the boy, but Stuart's call waiting beeps and he has to put Vince on hold. It's Marie, pissed off at him for not showing up to babysit. "Ben's been crying his eyes out; that's all he needs -- another man to abandon him," she fumes. Stuart protests that he did phone, and left a message telling her that it's a work emergency. "You're in a bar! I can hear it!" Marie shouts. "How many dates do you think I get, anyway? A mother with two kids." Stuart's call waiting beeps again, and he puts her on hold. It's Sandra this time, saying that Martin Brooks's wife is on the phone, searching for him because their roof's fallen in or something. "I'm not here," Martin says, when Stuart tells him his wife's looking for him. "He's not here," Stuart lies. Vince, still on hold, looks apologetically at Cameron and explains that Stuart had another call. Cameron asks him to put the phone down, just for a minute, and Vince reluctantly agrees. No sooner has he hung up than it rings again, and Vince apologizes to Cameron before answering it. It's Marie, demanding that Vince let her talk to Stuart, and Vince tells her that he's not with Stuart. "You're always with him!" she exclaims, not believing him, and tells him how Stuart's made her miss her date. Then Vince's call waiting goes, and it's Sandra, also demanding that Vince put Stuart on the phone. "I know full well he's taken Martin Brooks to some godforsaken dive," she says angrily. "I'm not with Stuart," Vince repeats. "His wife's going mental!" Sandra cries. "Whose wife?" asks Vince. "Martin Brooks's!" Sandra shouts. "Who the hell is Martin Brooks?" Vince wonders, just as his call waiting beeps again. It's Stuart, complaining that Vince hung up on him. "Are you with Martin Brooks?" Vince asks. Stuart is incredulous. "How do you know Martin Brooks?" "I've got Sandra chasing Martin Brooks," Vince informs him. "I've never heard of Martin Brooks," Stuart tells Vince, who clicks back to Marie, saying, "He's not with Martin Brooks." "Who the hell is Martin Brooks?" Marie asks, clearly irritated -- as is Cameron, who's sitting there steaming like a Christmas pudding. Vince apologises to Marie and clicks over to Sandra, telling her that Stuart isn't with Martin Brooks. "He is with Martin Brooks, and his roof has fallen in!" "Whose roof's fallen in?" asks Vince. "MARTIN BROOKS'S!" Sandra yells at him. Vince, totally confused at this point, clicks back to Marie and asks, "Is your date with Martin Brooks?" "Who the FUCK is Martin Brooks?" she shouts. "I don't know, but he's got a wife and a dodgy roof," Vince tells her. "Wait a minute, I know a Martin Brooks," Cameron says, taking the phone from Vince's hands. He then walks outside and throws the phone in the canal. "Oi! That's my phone!" Vince cries. Cameron turns him around and lays a huge kiss on him. "Call me," he says, walking away. "What with?" asks Vince, very justifiably pissed off. I think his behaviour was rude, but I'd have a hard time letting someone walk away without a bloody nose if they threw my mobile into the canal. Then again, I'd have a hard time letting someone walk away without a bloody nose if they walked in front of the television while Eastenders is on, so maybe it's just me.

Vince later joins Stuart and Martin at the bar, muttering something about "bastard accountants." No sooner has he approached their table than Stuart pounces on him, saying, "Sweetheart, I missed you," and giving him a snog. "I'm stocking up on this aftershave," Vince remarks, giving Martin a surprised look. At another table, Dazz is sitting with Donna and Nathan. He points to Stuart and asks Nathan if he's really had him. After Nathan confirms that he has, Dazz informs him that that's the last he'll ever see of Stuart, because that type of guy will chase you to the ends of the earth, take you out to dinner and then, after they've had their shag, won't even look at you. Someone give Dazz an "Amen." Not that I'd know, of course. Nathan, looking quite smug, says, "Yeah, well, I've had him twice." Donna smiles and comments, "He never bought you dinner." Dazz asks Nathan if he really likes Stuart, and Nathan tries very hard to act casual. "Like he's not completely in love!" Donna exclaims. Dazz tells Nathan, "Stuart's getting older, and he knows it. At your age, you can make him beg." Nathan, from the looks of the smile that spreads across his face, quite likes that idea. Stuart, meanwhile, walks Martin over to some dodgy-looking guy with a moustache and leaves him there, returning to the table, where Vince is being eyed up by a bloke in a shirt that almost matches the fluorescent green one Phil wore in episode three in the ugliness stakes. "Waste of time," Vince says to Stuart ruefully. "He didn't even like me." "He must've liked you," Stuart replies. "No shag. He's gay; we go out on a date. Where's the shag? I don't give a toss," he says, telling Stuart that he's going to talk to the guy who's been giving him the eye. "He asked you out. He kissed you," Stuart says. "And then he went home. It's unnatural!" Vince exclaims incredulously. "Is it so hard to believe that someone fancies you?" Stuart asks. "I don't care. I'm shaggin', I am," Vince says with determination, walking over to the guy with an unfortunate sense of what looks good. Stuart looks thoughtful -- for what I can officially declare the first time ever -- and takes in the scene around him: Vince whispering in the ear of another man, Nathan and his young friends laughing uproariously a few tables over. Looking pensive, and then fed-up, Stuart puts his glass down and leaves.

Vince is back at his flat with the Fashion Victim, getting his face gnawed off -- literally. "Oops, sorry. Do you mind shutting your mouth a bit?" he asks sweetly. "Yeah, sure," FV says, and they resume kissing, with FV opening his mouth wide enough to fit my fist in it. (Sorry, just a little fantasy.) Stopping him, Vince explains, "It's just a bit more sexy if you keep your mouth shut a bit." "Yeah, sure," FV says again, and moves to lift Vince's shirt over his head. Just over Vince's shoulder, he spots something on the shelf that makes him totally lose his shit. No prizes for guessing that it's Doctor Who-related. "Oh my god! You've got Genesis of the Daleks!" he screams, coming to climax way earlier than I think Vince intended. "Yeah," Vince says, not believing his shitty luck. "Can we watch it?" FV asks excitedly. "Um...we can watch it after, yeah?" FV's not having it, and pleads with Vince to let him watch it now. The shot is of some character from Doctor Who (sorry, Wing Chun, but I just won't stoop to looking up Doctor Who sites on the Internet in the name of research) shouting, "Exterminate! Exterminate!" ["I'm taking a wild guess that it's a Dalek, with dialogue like that, and no, don't ask me how I know." -- Toenail] while FV practically bounces up and down, and Vince sulks in the background. FV takes it upon himself to share some DW trivia with Vince, which would be akin to me giving George W. Bush some tips on how to make it in politics with no brain to speak of.

The morning, Stuart is standing at the train station with Martin Brooks, who tells him he had a good time last night, "except for the spitting. I suppose you got lucky." Stuart looks at him with annoyance, prompting a quick change of subject. "Good clubs, though. It must be marvellous doing that all the time," Martin comments. "Do you think?" Stuart asks sarcastically. "Should be good tonight," Martin says, and Stuart ignores him, asking what time his train leaves. "Oh, I'll call and cancel," Martin replies. "I'll tell Ann I've got to work." Stuart then proceeds to go off, perhaps a bit more angrily than a man who's still not out of the closet to his parents should be allowed to. "Cancel. Go out, get pissed, get shagged. Then you can do it again. Then you can do it again. Get shagged every night of your life. Forget your wife, forget your kids. Just don't be a tourist. You either do it or you don't," he says, spitting the words out. "So what's it gonna be -- stayin' or goin'?" Martin looks as embarrassed as he should, and says that his train is at half past. Stuart walks away, throwing a disgusted glance behind him. Ah, Stuart as Social Moralizer -- I didn't think I'd live to see everything, you know.

Nathan is walking through the park with Donna, who is telling him how everybody at school is talking about him never being home and always being dropped off at school, instead of walking there like he used to. "Brilliant!" Nathan says, obviously delighted to be the centre of attention. Luckily, Donna is there to put him back in his place, telling him that if the school finds out, Education Welfare will be on his case. "It happened to Billy Valentine," she says. "They put him in [foster] care. He disappeared; he went to Cardiff and he had real problems." "I've got real problems!" Nathan replies indignantly. Donna laughs. "Oh, like what? Like your mother's been going through your things? Big deal!" she says dismissively. "She knew everything! She's been spying!" Nathan cries. "So? She's your mother -- it's her job," Donna tells him. Nathan says it's like his mother thinks he's sick, and that if he goes home, he'll get better. Donna points out to him that his mother has never said that, which she hasn't, and this viewer, for one, doesn't believe that that's what she thinks, either. But, wait! Here comes the drama, courtesy of Nathan, as per usual: "Donna, you don't know her! You don't know anything! 'Cos you're straight, right. You're part of the system, right. You're part of the facist, heterosexual orthodoxy!" he shouts, stalking off. "I'm black, and I'm a girl. Try that for a week," Donna retorts, smirking. Does Donna rule this show, or what? It's a close race between her and Lisa, but she's definitely a winner.

Unlike Vince, who's trying to leave for work and being held up by the only man on the planet who's more pathetic than he is. FV spots another "classic" Doctor Who tape, and says to Vince, "I'll come 'round and watch it sometime. Is that all right?" Vince, either having left his backbone hanging on the wardrobe door or still deluding himself that any sex will be had while there's Doctor Who memorabilia in the house, agrees. As he's leaving, FV says in a faux-menacing voice, "Beware the Mentiats [I have no idea if that's right, but there are no subtitles on the DVD, and -- as I stated previously -- I'm not trawling the web for Doctor fucking Who information. Add to that the fact that I, thank God, don't have a Vince in my life who could give me such information, and I think you should just pretend I got it right, and I'll pretend that you give a shit]." Vince laughs weakly and closes the door.

Stuart drops Alfred off at Romey's, and is greeted at the door by Lisa. "Vince not with you?" she queries. "Why should he be?" Stuart asks. "I was talking to Alfred," Lisa replies. HA! Okay, Lisa is definitely neck-and-neck with Donna as my favourite character, now. She then tells Stuart, "We've had a great afternoon. We've been entertaining another one of your babies," leading him into the front room, where Nathan is surrounded by the Lesbian Entourage, who are listening intently to his every word. Nathan tells Stuart that they were all just saying that perhaps Nathan should babysit Alfred at the weekends, "'Cos you're at work all week. You must be worn out -- at your age." Lisa smiles. "We like Nathan. Nathan can stay," she pronounces. Stuart looks at her like he's genuinely hurt, but despite my best efforts, I just don't weep tears of blood for him. In the kitchen, Stuart holds Alfred close to him, while Romey and Lisa tease him about the "Stuart Jones Foundation for Fallen Boys." And because nothing is ever his fault, Stuart tries once again to absolve himself of responsibility for Nathan. "Can I help it if he's obsessed?" he asks defensively. "Obsessed at fifteen? What's that make you? A Hornby train set? A Playstation?" Lisa taunts. Bwah! We like Lisa. Lisa can stay. A sweet-looking black man enters the room and says, "You must be Stuart. I've heard all about you, mate," his heavy accent making the attempted colloquialism very amusing. "I've heard nothing about you, mate," Stuart replies mockingly. Romey introduces him as Lance, someone she met at the university when they did an ethics seminar together, and who's moved into the spare room. "He's our token straight," Lisa jokes (I think). Lance looks at Alfred, sitting in Stuart's lap and still wearing his heavy winter coat and cute jester's hat, and comments that the baby must be very hot. "Do you mind?" Lance asks Stuart, picking Alfred up and taking off his jacket. "Moved in since when?" Stuart demands to know. "Last week," Lance tells him, explaining that it's not for long, because his visa is up in five months and he couldn't get a flat on a five-month lease, so Romey helped him out. "I'm another one of her lost causes," he says with a giggle. "Christ, you can't turn your back on this house," Stuart says with irritation. "And yet you still do," Lisa retorts with a smirk. I wish she and Stuart would just admit they're in love with each other, already.

Sitting in his office, Vince fingers Cameron's card, debating whether or not he should ring him. Rosalie Cotter sticks her head in the door and asks him if he'd like to come to the pub with everyone after work, for a co-worker's-leaving do. Vince tells her that he might be busy, and Rosalie wonders aloud if it's a date. "Um, might be," Vince says. Looking a bit hurt, Rosalie nonetheless tells him to have a good time, and that if he doesn't go on his date, they'll all be in The Feathers at 7 PM. After she leaves, Vince finally dials Cameron's number.

Stuart, meanwhile, has emerged from Romey and Lisa's with his testicles still intact, and is standing in front of Marie's front door with a huge bouquet of flowers. He rings the bell, she answers the door and then slams it in his face. After the second ring, she lets him in. "Is this what you do on Saturday, just call 'round and apologise for the week?" Well, it's definitely what he should be doing on Saturdays, but I think it's safe to say that Stuart rarely utters an apology. He reminds Marie that he did leave a message. Her face softens and she admits that the child-minder is really bad about taking messages. Stuart tells her to get an answering machine, and Marie reminds him that her husband took it with him when he left. "Here, buy a new one," Stuart says, getting out his chequebook. Marie says that the car needs servicing as well, because the clutch is playing up, and that one of her sons wants new software. "We'll call it five hundred, then," Stuart tells her, just a wee bit irritated. "Oh, and Mum and Dad are getting divorced," Marie adds, almost as an afterthought. "Yeah, yeah, funny joke," Stuart says, signing the cheque. "And you've been to see them, have you?" she asks, clearly annoyed. "You've driven all of ten miles to go and see them? Of course they don't tell you, they don't tell golden boy. Me, I get it all." Stuart, suddenly taking her seriously, asks Marie what they've said to her. "'Course, you could just write a cheque, 'cos that makes everything all right, doesn't it?" Marie snipes, which is a much more pissy attitude than I would take with somebody who'd just written me a cheque for £500. "If you don't believe me, go and see them," she says, taking the cheque from Stuart. "I'll draw you a map."

That night, Vince and Cameron are on Canal Street, approaching a club. Vince tells Cameron that they don't have to go clubbing if he doesn't want to, but Cameron insists that they do whatever Vince wants. With this, I think I can confidently proclaim that Cameron is, in fact, the anti-Stuart. Inside, they stand against the railing on the balcony, and Hazel and Bernard spot them from across the club. As Cameron tells Vince that he spent three years in Sydney, going to all the clubs and living it up, only to move halfway around the world and find the same men in the same clubs, Hazel moves in to get a better look at Cameron. Vince spots her and motions for her to go away. Cameron notices Hazel and says to Vince that he recognizes her from the funeral. "What woman?" Vince asks, playing dumb (quite a stretch, I'm sure). "That one there," Cameron says, pointing to Hazel. "She was putting half the food in her handbag." Just then, Stuart comes bounding up to Vince. "Where the fuck have you been?" he shouts, collapsing with laughter. Vince reintroduces him to Cameron. "Yeah, we met by the buffet. I liked that buffet; it was fuckin' excellent," Stuart says, laughing in a way that just shouts, "I am on drugs! Expect stupidity!" Vince goes off to get him a drink -- just what he needs -- and Stuart eyes Cameron, who says nothing. Stuart then starts talking about his job, saying he could do it in his sleep. "I'm looking around," he says. "What for?" Cameron asks, because obviously they don't teach you about prepositions and their proper place at accounting school. "Anything. There's always something better, isn't there? Waiting to come along...You know that feeling?" he asks provocatively, obviously in an effort to get with Cameron. At that moment, Vince arrives with the drinks and Cameron makes a point of saying, "You took your time. I missed you," and lays a big old snog on him. Stuart looks away, clearly uncomfortable, and says, "Oh, don't mind me," waltzing off. "Where's he going?" Vince asks Cameron. "Up his own arse," he answers with a smile. Close, Cameron. Very, very close. When they get back to Vince's flat, Vince is very nervous and asks Cameron if he'd like a drink. Cameron asks Vince if he's going to have one, and Vince says that he's only having one. "I can't stay up. I'll have to chuck you out; I'm working first thing." Cameron suddenly becomes Mr. Close-Talker, and gets in Vince's face to tell him he'll have a gin and tonic. Vince moves to the kitchen as quickly as he can, and apologizes for Stuart's behaviour, saying he hasn't seen him that inebriated in ages. "Some friend," Cameron snorts. "He was making a pass at me." Vince, not even entertaining the thought that it's true, leaps to Stuart's defense. "No! He's always acts like that." Cameron insists that he's been around enough to know when someone's making a pass at him. "No, really. He wouldn't fancy you," Vince assures him. "Thanks," Cameron says sarcastically. "No, I mean, it's just types," Vince tries to explain. "You know what I mean? He wouldn't." Cameron won't be budged. "He did." As Cameron walks to the living room, Vince looks disturbed. Because what a shock to the system it must be, facing the startling revelation that Stuart is a ho. Vince looks at Stuart's picture on his refrigerator -- oh, Lord -- and gets a funny look on his face, while Cameron makes note of his Doctor Who shrine. "Are you one of those anorak blokes?" Cameron asks Vince as he's handed his drink. Without warning, Vince kisses Cameron and tackles him onto the sofa, knocking over a stack of videos. "Your tapes!" Cameron cries. "Sod the tapes!" Vince replies as they rip each other's shirts off and take turns pinning each other to the wall. Having second thoughts, Vince asks, "Which tapes?" before he and Cameron fall into bed together. I'm thinking that Vince having Doctor Who on the brain may reduce his stamina in bed; call it a hunch.