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There's no way any of these people can live up to the excellence in reality television personae set forth by our last winner Anya, but we're going to see what they've got for us. We begin in Times Square and everything is happening like right now. Some sort of fashion show is about to take place. There are a whole bunch of people talking to the camera like I should already know them and I don't. Tim, Heidi, Nina and Michael greet a crowd and Michael tells everyone that Project Runway has had more seasons than I Love Lucy. That means it's better, in case you were wondering. Same goes for any comparison between My So-Called Life and 7th Heaven. Thank youuuuu. Tim hasn't had sex since Karen Black was a movie star. Heidi is divorced. A bunch of people I still don't know are still talking to us.
Oh great, they're getting all narratively non-linear on us. A DAY EARLIER, we're going to meet these people. There are a bunch of them. Gunnar, who got kicked off before things even started last season, is back and I have serious issues with his personal style. They all gather at the workroom at Parsons. Everyone's checking each other out and Tim finally comes in. There's an Asian dude with an afro who I'm almost instantly obsessed with. All of the designers had apparently had to make a design that "represented them as artists." Tim says that they need to create a companion piece for their homework look and they will present it at some mega fashion show in Times Square, which sounds gross. Christopher, who is pretty rad, and Gunnar, who looks more ridiculous every time he's on the screen, do not get along because Gunnar is playing for the cameras which is so boring, I wish he knew. Andrea is 58 and says thing like, “What a riot!” as if the thing were not actually a riot and I think that's a riot. I'm not positive that maybe I didn't date this guy Fabio a few summers ago. I'm also wondering why I didn't try to make things work. He dumpster dives for food. Hell yeah. Christopher wants to kiss Tim, which I'm going to meditate on. As they're working, it appears that Gunnar has released himself from a lot of social norms in order to really POP on television, so we see him being incredibly rude to Christopher. Lucky for Christopher and disturbing for me, he seems more attractive the meaner Gunnar is.
The fashion show happens and no one really embarrasses themselves. Well, except for Lantie, but she also has that name, so she knows of embarrassment. Her junk is totes busted but she still gets to stay. Beatrice, whose knits were considered boring by the judges -- including guests Patricia Field and Lauren Graham -- gets the boot. Cute Christopher wins the challenge, which infuriates Gunnar. You know, this is going to be fun.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!No playing around, guys. This is Project Runway and it's starting right now. There's Heidi in a green dress in Times Square having her picture taken. Some girl on the sidelines says that its a great idea, they're really starting off this season with a bang. And suddenly we're backstage at a fashion show. There are designers talking to us and we don't know who they are. We don't know who they are, do we? Have I lost time? Some guy says that this is crazy, it's Times Square. He's apparently a designer and he definitely has crazy eyes.
Heidi greets the crowd in Times Square and mentions that this is the 10th season of Project Runway. Michael Kors adds that the show has had more seasons than I Love Lucy. That observation seems so completely random to me. Tim thanks the audience for making the careers of so many talented designers. Then, Heidi brings out the designers for a champagne toast. Some little dude with an afro says in an interview, "Times Square, oooooh" and makes an upwards pointed arrow with two fingers. I don't know what this means but I'm ON BOARD. What a weirdo. I love him. Everything so far in this minute-long broadcast has been completely disorienting. Crazy eyes says, "Does it get any bigger than Times Square? I don't think it does." So don't ask if you're not interested in my answer. It does not get any bigger than Times Square if you're looking for seated dining chain restaurants, a la Bubba Gump's. For fashion? There are "bigger" places. I mean, Times Square is disgusting. It's like one giant fanny pack. Some guy says that this is better than sex. To that I say, this makes me sad for him. Not that this doesn't look like a fun time, but if you haven't had sex that's better than this, you're doing something wrong. I mean, Michael Kors is present. You're telling me that you haven't had sex EVER that can match an experience where Michael Kors is present? I suggest you visit your doctor and explain the symptoms. It doesn't look like you've got much time left, but maybe we can manage your pain effectively as you slip away. Because you're dying of something is what I'm saying.
Tim and Heidi lead a toast to the new designers. Then, there's some rewind action and it's a day earlier. See what they did there? Always mixing it up. The designers are arriving in New York and we start to meet them. Here's Buffy Jashanmal. She's half-Indian/half-Australian and she grew up in Dubai. Boring! She says that her customer is someone who is always dressed up for the party. Here's Gunnar from Louisville, Kentucky. This is his second time coming to the show. Last season, he was the guy that got cut after they presented their stuff to the judges one last time. He says that this year he really knows his point-of-view a lot better. He and Buffy enter the workroom at Parsons and giggle with excitement.
Gunnar (he's the one with the crazy eyes, by the way) tells us that they were given a homework assignment before they got to the show. They had to create a design that manifested their design aesthetic. Each workstation is setup with the homework assignment. Gunnar says that he imagines Cruella DeVil wearing his designs and dragging a fur behind her. And, then, he stares at the camera, daring us to find him tired. Here's Lantie Foster from northern California. She's 38. Wait, she's lying. She's 48. God, can we stop talking about age for five fucking seconds? That's just happening in my head? Oops. A bunch more people arrive at Parsons. Here's Elena Slivnyak who designs for the edgy girl. Here's afro. His name is Kooan Kosuke and he is rad. He explains that his clothes are not costumes though they look a little like costumes. He says that he makes his clothes with love and he likes to make a lot of love. He needs to have a talk with that other dude. This guy Ven Budhu says that he's sure that the other designers will be intimidated by him after seeing his first look. He thinks that sewing is the necessary skill for success on the show.
Tim shows up and asks everyone how they're doing. One lady says she's tired and Tim says that's not a good sign. He introduces them to their workspace then says that the first challenge will be to create a companion piece for the homework assignment. Then, they will be presenting at Times Square. Everyone's psyched. Then, Tim says, "I wouldn't be Tim Gunn if I didn't say 'Make It Work'" and thusly completes the transformation into an actual parody of himself.
Now we meet Christopher Palu who is wearing a giant scarf. He tells us that he lives at home with his two sisters and his parents in Long Island. He dropped out of college but believes that he has the talent to do this. He says that he's really confident but shakes his head in disagreement and I like that. Here's Alicia. She's got dreads. And, she's a lesbian who designs for tomboys. She fuses men's wear and lady clothes. Very cool. Everybody is designing and we hear from Beatrice Guapo who is nervous about completing this first challenge.
At Mood, Melissa goes to the suiting fabric and I think that's the first time we've ever seen that part of the store! It's very orderly. Beatrice, who loves knits, tells us that she worked her way through college. Raul Osorio is the terminal designer, the one who has really bad sex and is maybe not going to make it to the end of the hour. He usually designs menswear, but he also has a passion for women's wear. He loves lace. His bangs are pointed.
Back at the workroom, the designers notice that there are pictures of all of the Project Runway winners on the wall with a space available for the winner of this new 10th season. Christopher cracks that his picture is going there and groans come from the rest of the room. "Too soon?" We learn that, at 22, Gunnar is the youngest designer of the season. Andrea is 58 and the oldest. She is multi-degreed and teaches fashion. Without affect, she tells the room, "I. Am. Good." It sounds like a personal affirmation and I like that.
So, Christopher goes to Gunnar's area and asks him if Miu Miu is his aesthetic. Gunnar kind of flails his arms and announces that he is "not in the mood" and he's a "moody little son of a bitch." Hmm?? Confusion for Christopher and all of us watching. Christopher says that this isn't Project Obnoxious, though it is apparently Project Over-used Joke. Gunnar says that he doesn't like Christopher because their personalities are similar and he believes that there's only room for one star in the sky and that's him. So, astronomy isn't his strong suit.
Raul is having a lot of problems with the fabric that he chose. Everyone's working like little bees. Sonjia tells us that she's undiagnosed but SURE that she has ADD. Here's Fabio Costa. He grew up in Brazil with his seamstress grandmother. Gunnar decides that he likes Fabio, who tells us that he's a Freegan. He dumpster dives for food. I love him. Sonjia reacts to this as if he told her he was from Saturn. Andrea is dubious about attending any Fabio-hosted dinner parties but she knows where he's coming from and thinks it's pretty terrific. Buffy cracks some jokes then interviews that she likes to crack jokes. Dmitry Sholokov is not having it. He finds Buffy loud, like her look. The mannequins behind him recognize him from their KGB days. Gunnar, who is apparently going to weigh in on everyone, doesn't know if Dmitry's silence is a sign of focus or panic.
Christopher is having issues with his sewing machine. He interviews that he's feeling really nervous. Andrea says that she thinks Dmitry has the face of a killer, I mean actor. He says he used to be a professional ballroom assassin dancer. Buffy looks at Lantie's work and interviews that she finds it tacky. She says that she actually likes tacky stuff, but this looks cheap too.
Tim enters and comments on how quiet the room is. He talks to Melissa who tells him that her companion piece will comparatively show more skin. Tim is intrigued. Buffy's look is over the top and Dmitry thinks it looks like diarrhea. He really hates her. I bet it's because she's half-Australian. Kooan's look confounds Tim and they really don't communicate well with each other. Tim doesn't like Fabio's companion piece. Gunnar tells Tim that his audience is older Southern women. Lantie hasn't made a lot of decisions. Tim tells Elena to commit to her decisions. Ven does apparently intimidate some of the other designers. Andrea tells Tim that she's going to go with something young and short for the companion piece.
Christopher explains his sewing machine woes but Tim says that he has the potential to have a real "wow" moment. He interviews that he wanted to kiss Tim but that would be crazy. I actually believe that he's sending Tim a lot of sexy vibes right now. OH MY, might Tim get laid? He leaves before that can happen.
With three hours remaining in the day, everyone is working. Dmitry says that Melissa looks like a groupie? All she needs is a guitar? I'm just telling you what he said. Beatrice is having a lot of problems sewing. In the sewing room, Christopher mimic Tim saying "Time's up" and Gunnar declares that he doesn't want to think about Tim saying that. Whatever, brat. So, Christopher mimics Gunnar's little whiny bossy thing and everyone laughs. Gunnar tells him to shut his fucking mouth and that it gets meaner as it goes. Yeah, I'd be really afraid. Christopher, who seriously is giving a lot of good face and lines and we're only in the premiere, says that Gunnar should be on Toddlers &Tiaras. Heh.
It's fitting time! Christopher's girl is smaller than the dress form. Then, it's down to 15 minutes. Melissa and Raul are scrambling. Boom. First day is done. They go to the Atlas Building to see their new digs. Everybody's happy!
The day, everyone is scrambling. Here's Nathan, who tells us that he's nervous. It's hair and make-up time. Hot make-up daddy is back! This bodes very well for the season. Beatrice effs up the top she's making. It's time to go to Times Square. Raul is the last one out of the studio.
We're back where we were at the beginning of the show. Heidi introduces the judges, including Patricia Field and Lauren Graham. The show begins with Ven, whose first look was a sculpted top with long wide-legged white slacks. His companion piece is a fuchsia dress that mimics the top of his first look. Ven is very happy with it. Beatrice's original look is a knit dress with a print shawl over it. Her second look is a knit skirt with a simple top. It fits the model well but this shit is elementary. Here's Lantie's look. The first thing is this lace number that is strapless but has this lace neck thing happening. It's too unique to be hideous but it is very unique. The look is like old lady at the prom. There's a breastplate thing that is the only thing that connects the two looks.
Andrea's and her first dress is a sundress in black and white. Her second dress is shorter and has a hoop. It's really cool! Christopher's first look is his cocktail dress. It's really chic, though there's some weird zipper stuff happening in the back. His original look is a gown and it looks fantastic. It moves beautifully. Alicia's original look is a hooded jumpsuit. Her companion piece is really cool fitted slacks and a sleeveless top.
Elena's work is awesome. Both are black and severe. Buffy shows her companion piece first and it's a shiny cocktail dress. Her original look is a brightly colored blouse with lots of volume. She's worried that her companion piece isn't bold enough. Dmitry naturally follows . His original look is a sequined gown that's really beautiful. His companion piece is a knit dress with a cut-out on the hip. It's pretty, but I'm not sure how they fit together. Kooan's original look is a wacky romper. His companion piece is a space-age metallic dress.
Gunnar is up and his companion piece is a chartreuse dress with a black stripe up the center and around the neck. His original look is heinous. It's a white floral skirt with that same chartreuse and black neck thing. Ew. He's also acting for his model as she walks. It's gross. Nathan starts with his companion piece which is a draped evening gown in green. It's beautiful and there's some neat interest on the bodice where there is wrapping. His original look is a gown in coral and, while also draped, features a little more architecture. Sonjia's original look is a leather jacket. It's really cool and her girl isn't wearing a top below it. She's wearing some mixed pattern slacks and her companion piece is a dress that uses those same fabrics.
Melissa's companion piece is a one-shouldered dress in black with a lot of leg showing. Her original piece is a leather top and long black skirt. It's pretty remarkable. Raul's original look is a hip suit and his companion look is a lace dress and his model really worked it. Fabio's stuff is very smart. He makes a wrap skirt (the one that Tim questioned but I think looks pretty good) with a short-sleeved top that stops short at the waist. His original look is a black dress with lots of details that is rather shapeless.
That's the show! Heidi thanks everyone and they head to Parsons where she tells them that she was impressed. She calls Kooan, Ven, Lantie, Christopher, Beatrice and Melissa. The others are safe! Everyone breathes a sigh of relief backstage. The judging begins with Kooan. Heidi thinks it's strange yet intriguing. Michael wonders if his stuff is a joke. Patricia rasps that he may have chosen the wrong fabric for the companion look. Lauren thinks it would be interesting to see his interpretation of restrained.
Michael says that he gets Melissa's vibe. He warns her to not stick with black all of the time. Heidi says that she'd wear both looks. Lauren thinks that it's all very cool. Heidi does NOT like Beatrice's looks. They seemed too sad. Nina hates the cape and thinks that the shape is beautiful. Michael says that he's still unsure who she is as a designer. Patricia says that her eye has not been caught. Christopher explains that his sewing technique for his gown was an effort to show them something unique. Heidi loves it and thinks that it could be on the red carpet. Michael thinks that the dress is great but doesn't think his styling was very modern. Nina, though she doesn't love the cocktail dress, really admires the evening gown. Lantie's original look is a rejiggered vintage gown. Heidi has a problem with the breastplate action. Nina thinks that the companion piece is "horrifying" which gets a laugh out of Heidi. Patricia thinks that Lantie is really a stylist. Heidi tells Ven that she loved the way is looks worked together. Michael thinks that they are elegant and well-made. I have to say, his stuff bores me. The designers leave while the judges confer.
Michael thinks that Melissa's clothes are really attractive to young consumers. They all are nuts about Christopher's gown. Nina says that Ven's work was perfect. They think Kooan is goofy. Michael is worried that there is no substance. Nina thinks he might be an attention hog. Heidi says that Beatrice had no story to tell. Michael is disgusted that she thought her "ugly ass cape" was a good idea. They agree with Patricia's comment about Lantie being a stylist.
The designers return. Christopher wins! He goes backstage and feigns solemnity before breaking into a victory dance. Everyone hugs him as Gunnar interviews that he doesn't like Christopher's arrogance and he's sure that his head is going to swell as big as Parsons. Who was that again talking about how much room was in the sky for stars?
Ven is in. Melissa is in. Kooan is in and he makes a weird grunting sound. It's down to Lantie and Beatrice. Lantie is in. Ew. Beatrice seems sweet. No one will ever know. She interviews that she was honored to be here. Tim comes in and congratulates her for making it this far, or, rather making it at all.
Jeff Long is a writer/performer living in Brooklyn. He can be reached at jeff.long75@gmail.com and followed on Twitter at @jblong