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The challenge is to create a look that is inspired by American sportswear, with the awesome Jackie O as an inspiration. Simple, huh? Andy says the dumbest thing about Jackie being a fashion risk taker "without knowing it." Um. She knew a lot. Valerie is in the bell jar and needs lots of approval from everyone. She has a really hard time making decisions about anything. Other Michael makes a dress that is pretty cocktail, instead of sportswear. Andy makes these huge ass pants that don't seem really American, but are certainly fashion forward.
So, Cute Michael kind of loses his mind and I'm maybe completely in love now and sending a ring or watch or something to formalize things. He makes this crazy-looking skirt that everybody describes as The Crucible which I don't feel weird about saying made me love it even more.
On runway day, Tim tells the designers that it's actually NOT runway day. Instead, they have to make a piece of outerwear to go with their looks. The twist helps some people and hurts others. Cute Michael offers Mondo a dollar to tap dance in his Kit Kat Club outfit and it's fab.
So, the runway happens. The judges hate Valerie's look, but I thought it looked cool. Nina thinks that she uses too many zippers and pleats. Heidi thinks that the shrug that Christopher made looks like a dirty rug. OK, shoot my face, but I loved Cute Michael's look and Michael Kors found it, seriously, INSULTING. January Jones, our esteemed guest judge and the worst SNL guest host of the last decade, found it sloppy. Mondo gets props for making something wild that Jackie would still wear. Ivy's look is appreciated, though they're not wild about the outerwear. Heidi says she wanted to laugh at Andy's look. She's brutal. January thinks that it's un-American. Nina says it looks like a train wreck.
Valerie points out that the judges seem like they're in a bad mood. Mondo wins the challenge! Heidi Klum can rot in hell. My boy is out.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!Previously: The designers had to create resort wear in teams of two, with Michael Kors as a mentor. It was as much a barrel of laughs as you would imagine. Then, it got even better and the designers were required to execute the design of their teammate. Valerie was feeling a lot of self-doubt. Ivy tried to blame Cute Michael for the shortcomings in her design. April won her first challenge while Casanova ultimately got the boot for his old lady resort wear (which, sue me, I thought looked nice).
In one of the boys' apartment, Cute Michael says that it's going to be a lot quieter around there without Casanova. In Other Boy Apartment, Other Michael says that the workroom will be sad without Casanova. Then, he tells Andy that he got "called out by Heidi" on the runway at the challenge. He's talking about when she asked him why he was rolling his eyes at Ivy's spiel about why her design sucked so bad, during which she tried to assassinate my boy. We're reminded that he mentioned how difficult it was to work with Ivy. Back in the apartment, with a kind of ridiculous giggle face, he says to Andy that he didn't know what to say. Andy is looking at him like he hates him.
In the girls' apartment, Valerie asks Ivy how she is doing. She says she's fine -- yesterday was yesterday. Valerie reminds Ivy that she was so blasé about yesterday's judging. When they would criticize the colors or design of her garment, she would just be like, "Eh." This makes Ivy laugh. She interviews that there are people that have told her she wasn't talented enough to succeed, but if she had listened to "those idiots" she wouldn't be where she is right now. Hey, I love TV too, but I'm not sure your current situation is necessarily cause for touting your success as a designer. I mean, you've managed to get to the front of a line, but do we even really know what that line is for yet? The jury is out on whether you're in the successful designer line or successful personality line. Other Michael, meanwhile, smells blood and is not done with Ivy. He says that she hasn't demonstrated why she should be on the show and needs to "step it up." Ah, the invocation of the old "step it up." This is serious. He thinks that she needs to play with colors other than green and opaque. "Opaque isn't even a color." Um, that's what we were just thinking Other Michael. He says that, if it were a color, it would be named Ivy. OK, nice save with the grammatical error there.
Before they head to the runway, Valerie says that more guys need to be eliminated. On the runway, Heidi tells the designers that this challenge will involve looking back in time. Tim will give them the details. Gretchen interviews that the hint could have meant anything and you never what will happen on this show. I love it when a designer does that. Instead of pulling some random guess out of their ass, when clearly prompted to hypothesize about the hint (and that will probably be actually answered in like minutes), they're just like, "Well, I don't know what she meant." That said, Gretchen adds, with that precious mouth thing that she does (and maybe she just has a mild speech impediment and I shouldn't be picking on her) that she doesn't want to be forced to make a corset. OK.
The designers go to some place, Capsule Studios, where Tim greets them. He shows them photos of Jacqueline Kennedy and explains that she has been a fashion icon since becoming First Lady in 1961. The challenge is to create a look of classic American sportswear, with Jackie as an inspiration. Sketching begins. Christopher interviews that classic American sportswear is his milieu. He decides that he will make a dress.
Andy says that, when he first heard the challenge specifics, he was worried because look required was so American and his aesthetic is primarily Asian-influenced. The idea of having Jackie O as a muse inspires him though, because she was a fashion risk taker without knowing it. Now, I understand that he means that as a compliment, but the dude clearly doesn't know anything about Jackie. Fine, she took some risks. That lady was SO aware of everything she was doing though. She wasn't just wandering around falling into risky clothing. It involved a lot of thought. He says his look will be a "statement piece," which I just find pretentious. Andy, who seemed so unassuming in the beginning, is revealing himself to be a bit of a pill, no? Could it be the Gretchen Effect? Or the Gretchen Affect?
Valerie says that she's thinking of making separates for this challenge, because she started the competition with more dresses than she had intended to make. Sketching is done and it's time to hit Mood. Before they start shopping, Tim tells them to remember taste, style, sophistication, elegance, expensive, etc. Mondo reminds us that the fabrics talk to him. They tell him to pick them up and he says that he usually does. If I were a fabric, I'd tell him to do something really weird-looking, like pick his nose or grind on the stair rail. Then, everyone who didn't hear me would be like, "Mondo's such a weirdo and he's wasting his shopping time by doing those weird things." That would be so funny. I certainly think that would alleviate the boredom that must come with being a sentient fabric. At least for a moment.
Tim tells Gretchen that she should choose something that she's passionate about. Then, he tells her that she's leading. I'm not sure if he's just suggesting that as a state-of-mind that she should try to have or what. With only a few more minutes to shop, Ivy tells us that she's lost. She doesn't have a clear design vision, however, she does have a color palette. She's thinking a classic black and white or an also classic black and navy.
Meanwhile, Cute Michael is feeling a little nervous. He questions whether he did an excellent job shopping or not. He interviews that he always enters Mood feeling confident but leaves shaken. All I know is, oh Cute Michael... I don't know where to begin. Should I begin with your flat cap? The kicky scarf that you're wearing beneath it? No. Not to be LCD up in here, but I'm going to start with the tank top. I want to spread this dude on some melba toast.
Back at the workroom, Other Michael, with some fabric wrapped around his head, jokes to Christopher that he thinks he's looking very Jackie O, to which Christopher agrees. It's really more Little Edie from Grey Gardens. Same family, but -- yes, I am apparently that gay.
Mondo gets back to the workroom and starts draping a dress on his form. But, he tells us, after a few hours, he's not feeling it. He consults with Gretchen about his fabric and she clearly has problems with it. Then, she interviews that she does indeed have problems with it. He's using this really bold purple and black herringbone and, while she feels that it's very "Mondo," she also thinks that it's limiting. Mondo decides to scrap his original idea and make a skirt and a top.
Cute Michael tells us that he's going to make something a little dressier than sportswear, because he doesn't like sportswear. He points out that he's using sportswear fabric though. "That counts, doesn't it?" So, this is not feeling good to me. He wonders aloud in the workroom if maybe the judges will find his work too expensive, which gets a big laugh, especially from Valerie. She interviews that he is quick-witted, which is the kind of funny that she wishes she were. I love Valerie, not only because she just complimented my boy. She's always quick with a compliment and I feel like that's a good thing. I just read this book The Happiness Project (I swear I don't have a shelf of self-help books) and there's this comparison of how different people view the success of others. Some see it as a zero-sum proposition, where there's a limited amount of success to be had in the world and they're discouraged when people near them experience it, because that means there's less for them. There are others who feel that success happens in clusters, so being near success means that they are closer to being successful themselves. I think the latter philosophy is a much happier place to be and Valerie, with her nurturing, supportive spirit, seems to feel that way as well.
Still in the workroom, Cute Michael jokes that he's channeling the earliest Americans, the Puritans. He interviews that his skirt has some early American influences, reminiscent of The Crucible. He jokes that he's not sure where that's going, but he doesn't really care because he has lost his mind. And, that, folks, is the moment where I couldn't love him any more than I do right now. Not even if we met and started a jewelry line and got four babies and a dismantled then reconstructed barn that we transplanted from Pennsylvania to rural farmland Alabama then started a artisan cheese and honey and persimmons business. Not even then (unless, perhaps, the barn doubled as a summer stock theatre in the summer -- cause that would be completely revolutionary), because Cute Michael, having just sort of admitted to losing sight of the challenge and becoming consumed by the manifestation of his own vision rather than the competitive spirit, has never really seemed happier in the time that we've known him. And, that's pretty remarkable to me.
Valerie seems a little unsure of herself and it looks as if Gretchen shares her doubt. She whispers to her that she's thinking of making a skirt and top and jacket, but she's afraid it might be too edgy. She interviews that she wants to get everything drafted so she can start on the details, as there are apparently a lot of those. She wonders aloud if her look is Jackie O enough and Gretchen says that it's about what she would wear now, not what her aesthetic was then. Well, that's obvious, right? Valerie says that she's the Susan Lucci of the show because she has been in the top several times and has yet to win a challenge. Also, because she successfully faced down a bear. She tells Gretchen that she doesn't want her look to get to cray-cray, because Jackie O would not wear Goth. Gretchen agrees that, yes madam, Jackie O would not wear Goth.
Gretchen says to the sewing room that she thinks the easiest way to screw up is to second-guess yourself. Mondo agrees and interviews that, since the group is so small, you make one mistake and you're going home. April says that she's making a top and a pencil skirt.
And, then we get to hear from Ivy. She interviews that a lot of the designers don't know what "sportswear" is -- namely Other Michael and Christopher, who she believes are making cocktail dresses. Cocktails are my favorite sport, so stuff it, Ivy. Valerie talks to some people about what she's doing and Andy interviews that she always needs approval from the other designers. Bitch. Then, we see the pants he's making, which have enormous legs. Valerie says to Gretchen that the pants are odd and she hopes that he keeps going with them. Also, bitch. Andy interviews that a fashion forward person takes risks, like wearing pants that are perhaps more appropriate for clowns.
Tim comes in for consultation. Valerie asks Tim a bunch of questions about what she should do and he finally tells her that it has to be her choice. He is amazed at Mondo's fabric, because he thinks it's totally him. Cute Michael interviews that, if Jackie O went to the desert and dropped acid, you'd have Mondo's fabric. Meanwhile, Tim thinks that Cute Michael's skirt is "Annie Oakley." Cutie reasons that old stuff is recycled in fashion all of the time.
Tim leaves and the models come in for fittings. Mondo's model calls his fabric "First Lady fabric" and Mondo changes that to "First Tranny." Promising. April interviews that Jackie O would never wear Andy's pants, which she deems "saggy saddlebags." Other Michael made two dresses for the challenge and Valerie thinks that they both look like Donna Karan. She doesn't know who he is as a designer. OK, I guess that really is a problem. It sounds kind of esoteric and like a bullshit excuse to hate on him, but they clearly all think the same thing. That said, Donna Karan's strengths have always been in problem-solving. She covers this or that or flatters this or that in an effort to emphasize the positive. I don't feel like that's the same as having a design aesthetic borne of truly independent vision, which is not to insult her. To have work reminiscent of hers doesn't necessarily make you a copycat.
Cute Michael insists that his look is going to be chic. He adds some black lace trip and Gretchen says it's very Prairie Home Sex Shoppe. She imagines Heidi telling him that she's not sure if she's supposed to harvest wheat or smack him with it. Gretchen interviews that Ivy is a great tailor but not a fashion forward designer.
The morning, April says that she thinks all of the girls will be safe. All of them think Andy's in trouble. April says that his look is "more Jackie, Yo than Jackie O." Touche.
At the workroom, Tim enters and tells them that he has an announcement. They won't be showing their looks on the runway today. Instead, they will be adding a piece to their look. Outerwear. Valerie has already created a jacket for her look, so she's concerned. Ivy is psyched, for the first time in this challenge. She seems to know exactly what she wants to do. Valerie is going to make a vest that she thinks will be very versatile.
At Mood, Other Michael finds a fabric that he likes and Gretchen totally tells him that she was already looking at that fabric and he can't have it. Junior High. Christopher chooses some animal fur and has some very, very faint pangs of conscience, but, bless his heart, he's able to push through them.
At the workroom, Gretchen informs Christopher that he's going to have to hand sew a lot of the animal hide garment. This seems to surprise him. Ivy is still psyched. Mondo is excited to show that he can be fun and elegant at the same time. Valerie is feeling limited by what already exists of her look. Other Michael is not happy with his outerwear, so he makes something else. Gretchen interviews that he always makes multiple looks for each challenge and waits for Tim Gunn's input -- then changes everything. She feels that he has no conviction or vision. I have to say, that is the best argument yet against Other Michael. He knows that they're talking about him and suggests that they win a fucking challenge if they have a problem with him. Hmm. Point taken.
Tim enters a quiet workroom. He talks to Cute Michael, who says that he thought his skirt looked cute on his model. Tim is disbelieving and my boy gets a little hot under the collar. Love it. He interviews that Tim has three stages of worry, all differentiated by where his hand is when he's asking a question. If it's over his mouth, he's really worried. He's really worried about Cute Michael. Tim tells Andy that he is more himself as a designer for this challenge than he has been throughout this season, however, he wonders about the fit of his giant pants. He tells Andy that Jackie would not have camel toe. Rarely have truer words been said. Tim feels that Christopher's look is a little anemic.
The morning, the girls all think that Andy is going home. Cute Michael is feeling nervous, but Mondo tells him he should be fine. Then, he interviews that Cute Michael is the most creative designer in the competition. Mondo is dressed in little black shorts and knee socks with suspenders and a white tank top, which he says was inspired by the Cotton Club. I heard Kit Kat Club, which actually seems more accurate. He looks like the Emcee in Cabaret.
At the workroom, everyone scrambles to finish. Christopher is worried about the proportions of his shrug. Everyone says that they are not impressed with Other Michael's dress. Cute Michael interviews that everyone is elitist in regards to Other Michael because he's not as seasoned as them, but he argues that it doesn't mean that he's not talented. See y'all? Love. Andy's finally getting worried about the fact that the crotch on his pants are completely effed.
The models go to hair and makeup and I'm sensing some chemistry between Cute Michael and the daddy with the mustache who's doing the makeup. It's a gun show in the L'Oreal Paris garage and I swear to all that is holy that I don't usually talk like this. Sober. Seriously though, all of the hair and makeup people look like extras from Shawshank.
On the runway, Heidi welcomes the designer and introduces Michael, Heidi, and freaking January Jones. OK, I love Mad Men, uh, madly. But, this girl so completely BOMBED on SNL in the lamest most amateurish way that I can hardly stand to look at her. Even though she's amazing to look at, which actually sort of infuriates me right now. God, she's so pretty.
The show begins with Christopher's look. It's a beautifully fitted gray dress. It's cotton, but still seems like it's cocktail. He made this animal skin shrug and I get the idea, but he was not adept with this fabric. It's unwieldy. is April's look, which is a sporty little black top and skirt. She made an asymmetrical vest to top it. It's not my favorite thing, but it's made nicely.
Ivy's look is and it's pretty nice. It's flowing black slacks and an architectural white top. A gray organza coat tops that and complements the architecture of the top. It's nice. A touch old, but really good looking on the runway. Other Michael's look is . He made a blue cocktail dress (which he is aware of) and topped it with a denim coat. Not bad looking. Gretchen made this halter top and skirt, with a flowing coat. I think it looks nicely made but ugly.
OK, I swear this is true. I watched this with my friend, who is totally not invested, and we both LOVED Cute Michael's look. It's this super pleated skirt in a sort of gunmetal gray, with a matching slouchy satin top that has a white lining. It's belted and he made a short jacket to go with it. Sorry, I don't care if I sound like I'm just being stalky or something. This was cool. Cute Michael likes it too, but he thinks that the skirt is too short. I don't. After his girl walks off, he says that he's dead and the designers laugh and tell him to stop.
Here's Valerie's look. It's a skirt with a purple top and a zippy vest over that. Valerie really loves zippers. There's something repetitive about the collars of the top and the vest that I find a little problematic. Andy's look is up and his girl is wearing super voluminous cargo/harem pants. He's worried because the fit is off and oh my. Camel toe for days and the pants also go far up the butt of the model. She should sue. Mondo's look is up and it's very cute. This wild herringbone print skirt with a striped top with very cool cuffs and black short jacket. There's a purple lining to the jacket that is adorable.
Afterwards, Other Michael, April and Gretchen are called. They are all safe. Backstage, Other Michael says he thought he was going home for making a cocktail dress. April and Gretchen just sort of stare at him and nod. Then, Gretchen says that she thought her look was modern and inspired. Other Michael agrees with her then interviews that he was totally lying.
The judges begin with Valerie. They think that she made a jacket over a jacket. Michael thinks it has no impact. Nina thinks that she uses too many pleats and zippers. January and Michael love Christopher's dress. Michael isn't wild about the shrug, but acknowledges that the dress is hard to match with outerwear. Heidi thinks that the shrug looks like a dirty rug.
Cute Michael says that he was trying to make something modern. Michael thinks it's schizo. He says that the idea that Cute Michael would think that his top is American sportswear is insulting. Yeah, you see, Michael Kors, me talking about your fat orange head is insulting. Creating a top that you're defending with obvious conviction is not insulting. Don't even start, January. She says it looks sloppy and I say they can ALL eat raisins and choke.
Heidi comments on Mondo's outfit and he says that his roommates were asking him to tap dance earlier. They all think that, though it's loud, Jackie would totally wear this. Nina thinks it's fun and clever. January thinks that he looks great with his model. Weird. Michael thinks that Ivy's look is elegant. He finds the unique tailoring of the jacket interesting. Heidi thinks there may be too much design in the top. They all like it better without the coat. Heidi wants to laugh at Andy's pants. He seems really offended, which kind of makes me happy. January doesn't think the look is American. Michael is still offended. He thinks it's part MC Hammer, part Beverly Hillbillies. Nina calls it a train wreck.
The judges deliberate. Michael thinks that Valerie has no imagination. He thinks that Andy's model was inappropriate. He also thinks that he styled her in Nicole Kidman's boots from Cold Mountain. God, they hate Cute Michael's look. I, uh, don't have eyes that work or something.
They like Christopher's dress, but Heidi really hates that shrug. Nina's not a fan either. They feel like Mondo really "got" the challenge. Heidi felt that Ivy's look was elegant, but old. Michael really liked it though. They've made their decision.
Everybody returns to the stage. Mondo is the winner! He's thrilled to finally win a challenge. Everyone is happy for him backstage. Ivy is in and so is Christopher. Andy is in. Boo. He should totes be bottom two. This is very not cool to me. Valerie is... in. OUCH. Oh God. We've still got the farm. Heidi sighs and tells him that he's out. He goes backstage without saying a word. He tells Christopher and Mondo that he's most upset about missing them. Tim enters and, I don't know, seems like maybe he wants to cry. Cute cute Michael tells Tim that he's OK with not taking his advice, but Tim chooses to "invoke that damn skirt." He tells Tim that he liked his advice but felt he needed to do his own thing. Tim says it was his Waterloo, which my cute boy says he needs to look up in the dictionary. Then, he leaves.
He interviews that he has had "close to" the time of his life. He thinks this was an amazing experience that was eye-opening and something many designers would kill for. He has no regrets. Guys. So sad. Why did this have to happen?
Jeff Long is a performer/writer in Brooklyn. He can be reached at jeff.long75@gmail.com
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