Previously on Chicks Dig Vehicular Symbolism: The Robert Plotkin Story: Challenged to present "envy" through fashion, Rob took the road to Freudville, decking out his model in a menswear-inspired number heavy with both meaning and piping. She looked like Hermaphro The Androgynous Clown until he gave her a cigar, and then it all made sense. Get it? A cigar? Envy? Freud? It's a meditation on the mystical dick and whatnot. Anyway, then the final six were assigned to work on a "collection" with the soft-spoken, strangely hypnotic Kevin as their leader. Incidentally, I completely believe that Kevin could convince a flock of bored college students to call him "Papa" and spend their lives waiting to be delivered to a very fashionable version of Shangri-La. The plan to outfit the models with poncho-like "pods" went astray, causing the "collection" to crash, and at judging time, Wendy (important fact!) blamed Kevin for the failure. Kevin went home, but only after (important fact!) hanging around unsupervised in the workroom packing up his stuff while probably thinking (important fact!) about how much he resented Wendy (important fact!).
Credits. It's hard to imagine how little I must know in order to be brought up to speed via exposition provided by Heidi Klum.
We return to the Atlas apartments, where Kara and Wendy are primping in front of the mirror. As Wendy dabs herself with mascara, Kara interviews -- with the customary mannequin behind her, which is decoratively flashing its comely breasts over her shoulder -- that "Wendy decided to bash Kevin and his leadership skills" at the last judging. Wendy, looking pale and scraggly and badly dyed and thus even more than usual like someone who sells squash and porn along the interstate, interviews that she "personally felt that Kevin was the weakest link" on the team. She certainly has the lingo down. Say "under the radar"! Say "we have a connection"! Rob interviews that there are five people left. Which means two more eliminations until the final three. Chicks dig guys who can do math.
Super-hyper-flash-modo shots return us to the Parsons School of Design, and we join the remaining contestants in the runway room, where they are obediently lined up like second-graders waiting for an assembly at the world's smallest school for the unconventionally dressed. Heidi strolls down the runway toward them, five brown-paper-wrapped parcels in her arms. That's some crazy zipper-dependent black dress very nearly keeping Heidi from being able to walk. She delicately drops to one knee in the only way she possibly can in that impractical garment, and the contestants approach her to take their marked packages. You can see in this shot that Wendy is sporting -- along with her sleeveless black top, black pants, and nondescript Gray Something tied around her waist -- a pair of weirdly gaudy red sneaker-shoes. There is no right time for those shoes, other than an interpretive striptease about your life as Tommy Lee's personal trainer. Why, Wendy? Why? ["I...was planning to get some of those for the gym. But only for the gym! I wouldn't wear them out! Should I still not do it? What if I got them in grey?" -- Wing Chun] The Heidi-natrix tells the team that there are only five of them left (thus totally stepping on Rob's role as Counting Guy), and that they should all be proud for outlasting Kevin. Well, maybe that's just what I'm thinking, because Kevin was really annoying.
Heidi tells the group that the challenge will revolve around what's in the packages, which I'm sure they never would have guessed without her. She also tells them, Grinch-like, that they can't open their packages until the morning. I also must mention that the way Heidi's dress is gathering is just not flattering. I can't tell if the ruching is intentional or situational, but either way, I'm not feeling it. Wendy, as usual, looks both smug and a little ill. Heidi goes on to say that they'll need to be up and ready by 6:30 the morning, and we get a happy look from Austin, who's working an absolutely perfect version of his soft-serve hair today. The gentle swirls, the perfect balance...it makes me want to encase his head in a chocolate shell and serve it with a mint leaf and one of those cookies shaped like a cone.
Heidi's ugly dress provides an interesting segue to "let's bring out the models." As the models emerge in plain black slips -- because it is important to emphasize their status as interchangeable clothes-hangers rather than human beings with blood and spleens -- Heidi reminds everyone that the models are also competing, and that there are six models left for only five designers. The designers will each choose a model, and the one who isn't chosen will be out. For winning the collection challenge last week, Kara gets to choose a model first. She takes Jenny. Jay is up , and he happily proclaims that he will "stick with [his] Julia." Robert takes Olga, causing Heidi to note that the designers and models seem to be attaching themselves to each other with some stubbornness. Wendy picks itty-bitty Melissa. The fact that she's barely old enough to drive doesn't mean she doesn't make a perfectly good aspirational ideal for your average professional career woman in need of wardrobe. Puberty is for people who didn't try hard enough to stay in shape, you know.
Austin is left with the task of choosing between Erin and Martinique. Whoever is not selected will be heading home in disgrace. But fortunately, it's only reality-show disgrace, not the real kind. Austin comments that he's worked with each of them once, but in this case, he's going with Martinique. Heidi gives Erin the cheek-kiss-off. Goodbye, Erin. Or, as they say in Madrid, "auf wiedersehen." Seriously, girl, nobody knew you, so it's not like anyone will think less of you. And give Julia Ormond her face back. Erin's four seconds of fame are occupied by her interview statement that she had a good time and that the girls were "fun to be with." You know, it's those riveting behind-the-scenes insights that just make you feel like you are there.
Heidi wishes everyone luck, and they all head back to the apartments. Once there, as Rob explains in voice-over, they all poke the packages, trying like hell to figure out what might be inside. Clothes, I bet! I bet it's something to do with clothes! Kara comments to the group that her package seems to be the lightest. "Yours is just a Hooters t-shirt," Austin snarks. And really, I have to add that while I like Kara very much, I don't really understand her brown tank top and fuchsia halter, either. For Austin's part, in his interview, he's wearing an extravagant fur coat with a broad, luxurious collar. It's a brilliant combination of tacky and spectacular, like he's pimping out Marie Antoinette. ["I love Austin so much, you guys, you don't even know." -- Wing Chun] Austin opines that, for all they knew, the package "could be your grandmother's fruitcake." There are some terrific Austin/fruitcake jokes lurking about, but I may have startled them, as none of them seem to be alighting on my shoulder at the moment. Back in the apartment, Jay takes a different guess: "You know what I bet they are?" Rob and Kara look up from squeezing the packages to look at Jay, who's enjoying a bowl of cereal. Jay waits a perfect beat before saying, "There's probably babies in there. And we have to raise them over the eighteen years." Oh, Jay. Try to get them to cut their hair occasionally, would you?
Atlas, the morning, 5:35 AM. The alarm goes off. Rob rubs his eyes disbelievingly at the early hour. People gradually wake up, and an already-perky Austin tells them all that it's time to "open your stocking." Which is precisely the metaphor I was thinking of, so good for him. He really does have the feel of a 1950s mom in that moment. Sort of getting in touch with his inner Barbara Billingsley. The packages are distributed, and indeed, it looks a great deal like Christmas, except that everyone is receiving and no one is giving, which is the only thing that could make Christmas a better holiday, I personally feel. Austin is the first to hold up something he finds in his parcel, and it's a pair of gray-blue (that's my story, and I'm sticking to it, so don't email me, because I can't describe colors) flat-front shorts. Jay, on the other hand, immediately dons a kicky white hat with a brim. Very Rufus Xavier Sarsaparilla. As Rob explains, they all discovered post-office uniforms in their packages. Rob's happens to include a USPS baseball cap. Alone in her room, Wendy opens her uniform as well. Far be it from her to participate in the group activity, not that the group activity isn't Wendy-Hating a fair amount of the time. Wendy also reads us the accompanying note that tells her, "Project Runway Designers, Please get dressed and report for duty in the lobby." She smiles smugly, because the post office is just boring and conventional and incompetent enough for he to stand a chance.
Out in the living room, Austin is disbelievingly holding up a simple, pale blue collared shirt. Safe to say it's been a while since Austin Scarlett wore anything quite like that, unless he was working undercover for some reason. Meanwhile, Wendy already has herself dressed, and has decided to pull a little something on Kara, who's still in her room and hasn't emerged yet. Wendy says through the door that someone from the post office has something for Kara, and Kara wants to know if she's serious. Wendy, standing in her uniform shirt, shoes, and brimmed hat, assures Kara that she is. Kara opens the door, and when she sees Wendy, she steps back, covers her mouth, and laughs.
Out in the living room, Jay has his uniform shirt untucked and his Jesus hair flying free, and he's cracking up an obediently tidy Rob with an impression of what is apparently the world's first stoned postal carrier. "Yeeeeah, I know your mail's here suuumewhere," he slurs. Rob snorts. "I was just at the end of the block, I was talking to my buddy...." Jay explains in an interview that he believed the resemblance between himself and Augustus Gloop from Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory was striking. How I miss Jay already. Just then, Austin comes flouncing -- I'm not trying to employ stereotypes, but you won't find a more descriptive term -- into the living room in his dark sweater, shorts, and long black socks. "Oh...for God's...sake," Jay remarks in amusement. ["Love." -- Wing Chun]
We move to the Hoboken post office, where happy music accompanies shots of various postal employees doing various things to the mail. Sorting, moving, irradiating...it's a wonderful world, you know. In a well-executed shot, a pair of elevator doors slide open to reveal the contestants standing in a row, all in their lovely uniforms. I was really ready for a good Reservoir Dogs shot here, although I guess you don't make reckless references to dogs around the post office. Anyway, Kara's baseball cap is askew, which I have a feeling is supposed to be kicky. Not good. Austin is wearing an earflap hat. Jay is working the tall white socks of the true fashionista. And on the left-hand end...oh, on the left-hand end is Tim Gunn, one of my favorite people in reality television right now. Tim is like my island of sanity in a topsy-turvy universe. I'll put it this way: if Tim Gunn ran The Apprentice, he would fire everyone the first week, but he would do it nicely, and it wouldn't be because he didn't like you. It would just be because you suck, which he would tell you.
Anyway, the group steps out of the elevator and strolls toward the camera, Austin standing in the front of the formation with his extraordinarily skinny legs presciently demonstrating a nice runway walk. Tim gathers up the contestants and tells them that the challenge is to redesign the USPS uniform. They can do either a summer uniform or a winter one. Postal workers know no spring. And Becky from the post office will tell them more about the job. Becky is a pert blonde letter carrier, and she wants you to know that this here post office is "Frank Sinatra's post office." Well, why didn't she say so? Now they'll know just what to do! Becky goes on to explain that the letter carriers will want something comfortable and "easy to move around in," and that they have to "look nice" when they're out there representing the good old USPS. Tim adds that the designers will be getting some additional insight into the needs of the post office by "spending the day in a letter carrier's shoes." Literally! And unlike most people on reality television, they are not using the word "literally" to mean "figuratively"! Kara, Rob, and Jay will be going in one direction with one carrier, and Wendy and Austin will be going in another. Wendy interviews that being on a team with Austin was to laugh, because they haven't really been on great terms since she was critical of Austin's leadership during the rock-star challenge when he wanted to make the artist look like Little Bo Peep-Show. Austin adds in his interview that he and Wendy started out as friends, but then it turned out she was just fooling him the whole time. The travesty! Austin says that he kind of wishes he was with the rest of the folks rather than Wendy, and we cut to a shot of the other team, Rob scratching his ass. Ass-scratching, even when apropos of nothing, is always sort of instructive. It always functions as a comment, even if you don't know what it's commenting on. The time someone's talking, try scratching your ass conspicuously, and see if people don't think you have something to say.
Kara explains that she was on a team with "Robio" and "J-Bird" (heh), and that the boys were acting up as they usually do. Jay mentions to the postal carrier they'll be accompanying that he'll use his free time for an occasional cigarette, and she says, "You won't be smoking." Yeah, there's no negotiating with the post office. Just goes to show you. Meanwhile, Wendy and Austin have their carrier give them a few of her complaints. She finds the uniform sleeves too long, she says, because the summer gets very hot. Wendy nods somberly in her goofy white pith-helmet-looking thing, which is...kind of bizarre, but okay. Kara, elsewhere, asks about winter wear, and her carrier says that she'd like to be able to layer things, because in the winter, you want to be able to shed a thing or two if you get hot. Jay asks how No-Cigarette Lady would feel about a "warm-up suit" idea, and she says that would work if it were "tastefully done." Yeah, no slutty warm-up suits for letter carriers.
The groups bail out to deliver some mail. As Rob explains, his group decides to start the day by being overwhelmingly friendly, and No-Cigarette Lady looks embarrassed as all hell to be with these people who are yelling "Gooood morning!" to everyone. There's such a thing as too much friendliness. As they walk, Kara explains to us that she was immediately very conscious of how uncomfortable the polyester pants were. See? She learned a valuable lesson. Who ever said reality television wasn't educational?
Elsewhere, Austin and Wendy's carrier is showing them how to...push a big cart. And how to keep it near you, as we see when Austin and Wendy's cart starts to vanish down the sidewalk. "Hey, your -- your mail's rollin' away," Cart Lady points out. As it turns out, the designers are bad both at keeping the cart close and at maneuvering it over curbs. Cart Lady laughs at them, and I'm just surprised it took any actual physical comedy to make her laugh at these two, considering that Austin's hat has earflaps and that Wendy...is Wendy. And she therefore looks and talks like Wendy. Austin interviews that he's pretty sure they were given the world's most rickety mail cart as a test of their mettle. "I don't think I would see myself applying for a U.S. Postal Service job," Austin says, and every other understatement in history signs a greeting card saying, "Congratulations, you've outdone us all!"
As Kara and Jay stroll, she talks about how, if Jay were a mail carrier, he'd be the kind everybody in the neighborhood would wait around to see. Jay plays along by chirping, "I'll be right with ya, Mr. Richards! I've just gotta stop over here with Barbara first!" Hee. Kara voices over that her field experience was very helpful, and she thought that in order to try to redesign the outfit, they had to get out there and see what the job was like. As her team heads into a building to deliver some mail, their carrier digs around in her bag for some essentials they might need. One is a can of what she calls "dog spray," and another is a bunch of keys. (Incidentally, I heard a mind-bendingly funny and horrifying story involving something called "bear spray," and suffice it to say that if you value your mucous membranes, you don't want to misunderstand and think that "bear spray" is used the way "bug spray" is used.) Jay talks about carrying the mail thusly: "There's, like, keys and bags, and doors and dogs, and...reading is involved, and there's mathematics...it's more than you think it is." Heh. I hate it when reading is involved. Their carrier points out that at the rate the designers are going, they may be delivering mail to this building until midnight.
When we return from a commercial break, Kara reminds us that we left the designers out in the field, preparing for a challenge in which they would redesign the postal uniform. Jay and his group are walking when he breaks out in a song called "Let's Push It, 'Cause We're Mail Letter Carriers," which is incidentally the entire lyric as well as the title. "Uh, Jay, let's calm it down a bit," No-Cigarette Lady suggests. Wow, No-Cigarette Lady. Don't sing, don't smoke...what do you do? As they stop to drop off some mail, Rob comments absently, "When did Victoria's Secret start getting all sweatery?" Hee. Kara and No-Cigarette Lady look over to see what he's doing, and they note that you're not supposed to peruse people's catalogs. "Don't read the mail, Robert," the carrier advises. Jay interviews that Rob is "a dog." Actually, a "monkey-dog." Actually, a "horny monkey-dog." A bit more tomfoolery ensues, to the point where the carrier has to tell them to act professional while they're wearing their dorky uniforms. It's hard to keep the horny monkey-dogs in line.
The topic of conversation is that Jay is very sweaty, including the appearance of some potentially embarrassing sweat marks on his shorts. "When you start designing this uniform, I want you to remember all these hot spots," No-Cigarette Lady advises. No kidding. Jay chuckles to Kara that he thinks maybe he'll just design some mail-delivering robots that will do the job for you. Don't let Wendy hear you! She'll steal the idea.
Speaking of Wendy: back at the post office, Kara, Jay, and Rob start chit-chatting about Wendy. They talk about Wendy's tendency to undermine whomever the leader happens to be for the week, as she did with both Austin and Kevin. Kara looks solemnly into the camera and says, "People have to understand that the Wendy Pepper who showed up the first day of Project Runway is not the Wendy Pepper we know now." Jay adds that Wendy is here to do a lot more than "good work." He tells Kara and Rob that he expects Wendy to try to "make [him] look like an ass," after which he vows to "rip her a new asshole." I would tend to think the last thing you'd want to introduce into the Wendy situation is another asshole, but that's just me. Jay vows to come right out with how conniving and backstabbing he finds Wendy to be, if she comes after him.
The entire group gathers at the Post Office and is warmly greeted by My Hero, Tim Gunn. Tim says he's glad to see them, and assumes that they've all improved their understanding of the needs of the employees they'll be outfitting. Perky Becky from before bids them farewell, promising to "see [them] on the runway." So apparently, she's going to be around for the judging. Cool! I like it when Michael Kors has to mingle with normal humans who shop at Target. Tim says it's time to head back to the city and shop for fabric.
Still in their uniforms, the group descends on a fabric store, where Tim tells them that they have only $100 to spend on the fabric for a uniform. They have to stay with the existing USPS color scheme and, as stated previously, they can design for either spring or winter, as they choose. As they all mill around the store, Jay tells us that he's fashioning an "oversize logo" to go on his uniform shirt. He's afraid his choices are too "fashionable" for the challenge, but he wants to "put [his] stamp" on the project. Rob gets some help from a friendly young woman (she's just like a car!), and tells us in an interview that he expects his charm to be everlasting. "It's just the nature of who I am," he says. Yeah. He's kind of I'm Very Charming (But I'm Not Doing It Right Now) Guy. With everyone's fabrics chosen, the group departs the store.
Back at Parsons, Wendy fingers what looks like a navy blue tie, which...bleh. Clearly, something is bothering her. She explains in an interview that she was shocked to find, when she returned to her work station, that a black moustache had been drawn on the picture of her daughter she keeps at the desk. Because normally, her daughter doesn't have a moustache. Wendy heads into what appears to be a lounge where the rest of the designers are relaxing, and she declares that someone has drawn on a picture of her daughter. She begins sniveling as she says that she's sorry if people are angry at her, but that they should know this is "psychological warfare." She goes on to praise this "quintessential image of [her] daughter," talking about how the girl is "dressed up" and "looking up in the sky." Okay, first of all, I'm sure Wendy is upset, but the kid is not that dressed up. Second of all, the child is indoors, meaning she's not looking "at the sky." What she's doing is looking over to the side. At, like, a lamp. Or a person. Or Zoobamafoo. That picture really is a little bit less of a big deal, aesthetically speaking, than Wendy is suggesting. Anyway, she weeps to the rest of the team that this is her only copy of that picture. Which...in today's age, if you have a beatific picture that you believe is the "quintessential" picture of your child and you've never made a copy of it or done anything with it, you're not trying very hard to preserve that memory. You take a picture like that into a workspace, it can get dye or coffee spilled on it, it can accidentally get ripped...things happen. Sheesh. Wait, am I reminding myself that I hate Wendy? What a waste of time. Because I already knew that.
Anyway. "How dare anybody do that to my daughter!" Wendy moans. Jay interviews that, normally, Wendy is so cold that when they saw how upset she was, they knew what a big deal it was. "For God's sake, what is this?" she declares angrily in the lounge. Rob asks her where the picture was. She says it was on her table, and Jay tells her that he doesn't think any of the people in the room have enough "hatred" to deface a picture of a child. Rob agrees that none of them would have done it. And...agreed. Wendy complains in an interview, however, that no one is "looking out for [her]." Jay interviews that it could have been any one of a number of people, including one of the models, or -- and this is my pet theory -- Kevin, after she slammed him and he got eliminated, when he was cleaning up his table. I also strongly considered the possibility at the time I saw this that Wendy defaced the picture herself. I don't think that's likely, but I don't think it's impossible either. At any rate, Jay says he'd love to know who did it. "Because I love that kind of dirt," he adds. Oh, me too. In an interview, Rob calls drawing the moustache on the little girl "evil," as well as "not playing the game fairly." I would venture to say it's not really playing the game at all, no? They all leave and head back to the apartments, once Wendy has tried to angrily throw her water bottle at the recycling container, missed, and fished it out from behind, all while trying to retain her dignity. Poor Wendy. First her daughter is defaced, and now she misses the stuff.
Wendy interviews that this traumatic experience caused her to "question" what she can tolerate in order to win. Her hair is really, really strange. To the point where you wonder if it's that way on purpose, and that's never a compliment, really. She's so obsessed with what other people are thinking; what does she think they're thinking about the skunkhead?
Back from another commercial break, Wendy is still griping that she knows the cutthroat nature of the fashion business and so forth, and now she's wondering whether she -- apparently because of her sweetness-and-light personality -- would "fit in." Bleh. And then we watch her putting on those damn red shoes. What does she think is the charm of the clown shoes, anyway? Will there be juggling later? Will she be jamming herself into a little car with a bunch of other designers? Rob, meanwhile, is sketching as he voices over that he's perceived as an "underdog" probably not even expected to get this far, and that he wants to just keep going and make the final three.
At Parsons, it's time for work to begin in earnest on the designing part of the design challenge. At 9:00 AM, Tim announces that, today, they have from 9:00 until midnight to work on their projects, and then he leaves. Ladies and gentlemen, My Hero, Tim Gunn. The designers start to chat about what they're doing, and Austin tells the rest that he's making shorts as part of his outfit. Rob's plan, on the other hand, is a pair of pants that can convert to shorts as appropriate. Jay adds that he's confident that his design is a good blend of functionality and fashion. He's doing a winter outfit centered on a pale-blue sweater, and he's got the giant USPS logo on the back. His postal carrier will be the hottest bunny at the ski lodge. He further exposits that he, Rob, Kara, and Austin are all making more fashionable uniforms, whereas Wendy has returned to a fairly pure focus on functionality, to no one's surprise. Indeed, Wendy explains to us that the USPS "shouldn't embrace too much change too fast." Therefore, what she's designing looks almost exactly what the mail carriers wear now. Austin calls her design "this very blah blouse" that incorporates nothing new other than "a bust seam." He thinks that his work, on the other hand, addresses the same needs while not being completely fugly. Which, of course, is in the eye of the beholder. For me, Austin went downhill after the corn-husk dress and the Banana Republic dress. Because what happened with fairy-tale pop star? Just, no. Anyway, Austin explains that, for the mail carriers, he is doing a top and pants in stretch fabrics. Ah, yes -- who doesn't want to see the postman walking around in spandex? I have that dream all the time. When I wake up, I'm usually in tears.
With five hours to go, Tim drops in to look at the designers' work. Austin shows Tim the cape that he's making (!), pointing out that he thinks the material will be "pretty rainproof." Tim then asks Kara whether the wide pantleg she's creating will look good, and Kara counters that she thinks drawstring pants look good on everyone. ["True fact." -- Wing Chun] Tim loves the fact that Kara is doing a vest and working with layers. He's definitely favoring Kara's approach at this early stage. Wendy's big innovation is a piece of Velcro on the shoulder of the shirt she's making, so that the strap of the bag can be attached -- she's heard that the bag has some tendency to slip. Wow, Velcro? That's the hottest trend of the year, and by "the year," I mean "1986."
Tim then takes Wendy out in the hallway for a talking-to about the way the judges perceive her work. He is holding an ugly black shoe with Velcro closures, explaining that Michael Kors thinks the stuff she does is "dowdy." He tells her to keep that in mind as she works on her design. Tim interviews that the judges are "high-end," and that the look Wendy was working on just now was not going to make it. "Furthermore," Tim adds, "it was being presented with this inconceivable shoe that was bringing the look down to the most dowdy place it could possibly be." Wendy now tells us -- a little wounded, a little sarcastic -- that "for some reason," Tim decided to tell her that the judges think her stuff is dowdy. Well, he's telling you that to help you, dummy! Not that all of us think he should be helping you, but helping you he is. So you could...you know, shut up and listen. Also: I love the idea of an "inconceivable shoe." It is a shoe of which you cannot conceive, you know? You cannot smell what this shoe is cooking. Furthermore, Wendy claims that Tim said this to her "in front of the whole workroom," while in fact, he says it to her in the hall. It's not impossible that he said it to her in the workroom and then again in the hall, but it's also not impossible that Wendy is once again living in Wendyworld, where things look very different than they do to the rest of us. And all the fashionable ladies have multiple hair colors.
"From a functional standpoint," Wendy says, "I feel like that was a good shoe." But Tim holds up the shoe neatly and tells her that it's "an obstacle." He goes on: "If you can make this work, by all means, do it." And then, in his interview, Tim snippily vents his frustration about what he was trying to do for Wendy: "I am trying to help you here," he says to imaginary Wendy-In-The-Camera. "Please...don't defend the shoe to me." Hee. Oh, Tim. I'm totally going to say that as often as possible, perhaps for the rest of my life. I'm going to start now: Don't defend the shoe to me!
Where was I? Oh, right. Anyway, what's insane is that Tim winds up indirectly complimenting the ugly, totally irrelevant, rather inconceivable-their-own-damn-selves red-and-white shoes that Wendy is wearing, just because while they are stupid and obnoxious, they aren't "dowdy." Indicative of psychiatric instability of the highest order, yes. Dowdy, no. Tim explains in an interview that Wendy is...well, Tim is saying that Wendy could design for Wal-Mart, is my opinion, even though he uses the words "broader market" and "great respect" instead of "just like Kathie Lee, but without the slave labor." ["Or...maybe with the slave labor, after all." -- Wing Chun] Wendy snots in an interview of her own that she made a postal uniform that looked like a postal uniform, not "the cover of Vogue magazine." Because, of course, there is no in between. I hate it when I get up to dress for work, and I'm like, "Well, will I wear a postal uniform, or will I dress like I'm on the cover of Vogue?" It's very complicated. I either spend the day falling off my stilettos, or else people keep asking me how much postcards cost. "Sue me," Wendy eye-rolls.
With one hour to go until the end of the day, everyone is still working. As Jay enjoys a tasty beverage in the workroom, he explains that he hardly ever sees Austin doing work, but then things just appear when time has expired. Austin is appalled at the implication that Jay never sees him work. "I do everything in order," he says carefully. "Austin, there are spans of time when I don't see you for, like, six hours," Jay says admiringly. "And then all of a sudden, you're like, 'Dress!'" Hee. Jay interviews that he thinks he's probably pretty safe from elimination this week, but that he thinks Austin might have "an issue." And why? "Because his is so...him." Snerk. It's true, really. "Kara Saun's always safe," he says, before giving her some shit about how she announces at the end of every challenge all the nifty stuff she did. "Oh," he mimics, "I had extra time, so I fitted a whole family out of a pair of curtains. I made a movie about it, and I'd like to present that with my seventh challenge." I miss watching Jay every week. Jay then adds in his rundown interview that he thinks "Robert can talk his way out of anything." However, Jay does think that what Robert has come up with here is "too cartoony for the U.S. Postal Service." It's an adult cartoon, of course. Jay pauses. "And Wendy's?" He gives a long, exaggerated belch. "That's what I think about hers." For her part, Wendy explains to us that if she leaves tomorrow, she'll be happy she had the experience, but that she's "not going to change into a different kind of person." Dowdiness forever! Everyone belch in solidarity!
The designers leave, night becomes morning, and it is the day of the runway show. Jay says that there's a certain Groundhog Day quality to the whole thing, in that you just keep enduring the runway again and again. He says he's not "fazed," while Wendy describes herself as "completely terrified." A brief naked shot of Rob (complete with full naked ass, twice; it's kind of shocking) follows as everyone gets ready to face the day. Robert tells us that the intensity is in "the red zone." I think I just saw his red zone, actually. And then the non-sucking designers -- all of them but Wendy -- have a gathering by the door where they put their hands in the circle, huddle-style. "Come snow," Jay says. "Come rain," Austin says. "Come sleet," Kara says. Rob stands there. He is befuddled. Jay leans over and whispers, "Just come." "Come!" Rob says. And then Austin is all, "Gooooo, Project Runway!" and they break the huddle. Well, that was...interesting.
Now, at Parsons, the rest of the designers are looking out of a high, floor-to-ceiling window at Wendy, who is down on the street, pacing, as chipper music plays in the background. "What is she doing?" Jay wonders. "She's talking to herself," Kara says casually. Jay reports to us that they watched Wendy pace like this for twenty-five minutes. He can't wait to see the "grand plan" she was practicing. We return to the designers watching her from the window. "There is a lot going on down there," Jay says dryly. Austin jumps in: "She'll be eliminated, and then we'll find her, like, tomorrow, just like wandering vacantly through the streets with, like, crazy makeup on, and a pair of orthopedic shoes." Kara and Jay laugh hysterically. Because Wendy really is a little odd, and of all the places she could wind up, I'm certainly not ruling out "a universe of her own making."
With four hours till the show, Tim comes to visit the group and tells Jay that he has an "ultimate make-it-work challenge" ahead of him, because Julia, Jay's model, can't be here until 5:00. There will be, as Tim says, "mere nanoseconds to get her ready." Jay reminds us that 5:00 is actually the time of the show, so this creates a problem for him. At 1:00, Jay is on a Space Communicator (just like on The Apprentice!), talking to Julia's voicemail, telling it that coming in at 5:00 is "cutting it close." I'll say.
With three hours till the show, the other models show up, and Jay places another call to Julia. No luck -- it's voicemail again. The other designers dress their models as Jay frets. With two hours left, Jay asks the other models whether they have any friends they could call who could drop in with no notice and model for Jay. They assure him that Julia will be here, and then Jay interviews that if he winds up getting screwed because of Julia, "there's going to be hell to pay." Didn't you always think it would be Morgan who would ruin someone? Who would have suspected Julia?
In the L'Oreal Paris Hair and Makeup Room (Subtle! Classy! Not overdone at all!), the models get their hair and makeup done. Meanwhile, Robert tries to do Jay a solid by calling a friend whose girlfriend is a model (why doesn't it surprise me that Robert has such a friend, or that the friend's name is Rudy?) and seeing if the girlfriend can come down. While Robert waits to hear, Jay wonders whether he should just wander the streets, begging for a model. "Anybody wanna model for me?" he calls out pathetically. As he watches the passing crowd, he smokes and remarks, "All the models have been replaced by these weird, middle-American people." What I love is that everyone in range at the time he says this is, like, a guy in a suit. I have no idea why Jay thinks all the guys in suits just got here from Illinois. Maybe they're reading agricultural magazines.
With a half-hour to go before the show, Kara is very pleased with the way her outfit looks on Jenny. Robert, on the other hand, has bad news from the model-girlfriend-having friend, who says the girlfriend is not available. Jay tells us that this fell apart because the girl "has PMS," and then he's on the phone to Julia again. He begs and pleads to her machine that she show up as soon as she possibly can. At about three minutes to 5, Austin is pinning up Martinique when Jay approaches him. "Austin," Jay says, "can you model for me?" Tim comes in and asks Jay what's up with Julia, and Jay confirms that there's no sign of her yet. "What is your alternative plan?" Tim asks. "Do you have one?" Jay laughs. "Austin," he says. Jay interviews that they realized that Austin basically has the same build as the models, so they could just swap him in. Particularly since this is a fairly simple sweater-and-pants outfit, Austin is fairly easily able to slip right into it as Jay watches, undoubtedly relieved. "This is the butchest I've seen you," Jay comments. It really is kind of shocking how perfectly nice Austin looks in an outfit designed for a woman.
Later, we are at the runway, and Heidi emerges to welcome everyone. The designers sit on one side; the judges sit on the other. Heidi observes with faux surprise that Austin is not present, and Jay explains that Austin will be in the show, modeling for Jay. This does fairly evidently surprise, crack up, and delight Michael Kors. Heidi doomsays some stuff about how one of them will be eliminated, and then she rehashes the challenge about the balance between fashion and function. She then introduces the judges -- Michael Kors, Nina Garcia, and Becky Negich, from the postal service. Aw. Becky is cute as a button! And not disgruntled at all! Dig me, all my post-office jokes just got here from 1992!
We start the show with Wendy's outfit. Wendy's got Melissa in a blue blouse with an oddly oversized collar, sporting the little postal-service logo on the chest. Wendy insists that she tried to make the thing "functional," but "tried to insert a little bit of fashion." We now see that Melissa is wearing Wendy's red shoes. I really, really hate those shoes. ["Just for the gym! Ah, forget it." -- Wing Chun] Furthermore, the shorts Wendy has put Melissa in are ugly in the extreme. They sort of look like Wendy thinks they'll appear to flare like a skirt, but they just look wide at the bottom in this completely odd way. Melissa is so skinny that they just hang off her, but it's positively frightening to think about what they would look like on a normal human.
Now, it's Jay's turn to explain what Austin is wearing. Jay, too, has incorporated some pockets and things to accommodate postal doodads. Becky wants to know if the pants are waterproof, and Jay says that they're twill, but that they have a "sheen" and will repel water to some degree. Michael tells Jay that he thinks women will feel "very butchy" in what Jay has designed. Irony! See, on a woman, I think it would look more feminine -- it's awfully hard to judge when it's a man wearing it. Austin pops off the vest and prepares to present his own design, and Heidi congratulates him on being a good model. "We were in a bind; I'm sure he'd do the same for me," Austin says simply. Aw. And...as if.
Austin first introduces his cape: "For a little drama." A little? Apparently, there are capes already, but Austin's will be better, because it will breathe a little and not be so oppressive. Austin introduces his little stretchy pants as well. Nina tell him that she thinks he thought plenty about the fashion, but less about the function. Austin looks unhappy. Nina thinks that the shorts are impractical for most people -- just too tight. And I agree. Michael compares the outfit to "Doris Day playing a postal worker." Heh. He thinks the look is "adorable," but "very costume-y," which is kind of the way I often perceive Austin.
Robert opens, as he pretty much must, with his convertible pants. Because you're not going to open with the dingy shirt. He talks about the heat out on the route, and how he thought this would help the workers to be more comfortable. Nina is disappointed in this design as well, feeling like there's not enough effort. She finds the shorts/pants "tricky," but the rest of the design a little undercooked. Michael agrees. He thinks the shirt, which is essentially a t-shirt, looks "much too casual."
And now, Wendy. She throws a little sucking-up the postal service's way, talking about the respect she now has for the mail carriers among us. She goes on to say that rather than doing a "total redesign," she kept the outfit much as it was, with "some touches" added. The shorts she's designed have a side vent, rather than the middle inverted pleat that she had in the ones she wore. Like several others, Wendy has added a couple of little pockets to the shirt. Nina tells Wendy she's surprised by side pleats, which are just going to make people look wider in the hips. Well, really. Melissa, at this point, raises her hand. Eek. No talking, Clothes Hanger! They tell her she can go ahead, and she says she just wants to let everyone know that the vents are working great to keep her cool and comfortable. Thank you, Melissa. But Michael is unmoved. He hates this outfit. He tells Wendy that between the side pleats and the pockets she's put on the front of the shorts "pulling over your stomach," this is going to make people look huge. He mentions that every woman he knows cuts the pockets out of pants so they don't "feel fat." Really? Huh. I've never even heard of that. Learn something new from Michael Kors every day, I guess. ["I had heard that before, but my sister hadn't, and instantly swore she was going to start doing that." -- Wing Chun] Michael compares Wendy's shorts unfavorably to the Kara pants, explaining that the Kara pants would fit and look good on a large variety of folks. He points out that "even if you're a size 16, you want to feel a little groovy." No! Surely not a size 16! Grooviness could never expand to fit such an ass as that! Michael, what are you implying? Sigh.
Heidi sends the models off so that the judges can talk about them. Asked her opinion of the designs, Becky says that she found Austin's design "much too tight." Michael, furthermore, found Austin's design "prissy," which I kind of also agree with. It has a certain little-girl quality that would look pretty dopey on your average middle-aged postal worker. The words "Little Red Riding Hood" come to mind for Nina. Backstage, we see Austin -- who appears to be naked after taking off Jay's outfit, but who I'm sure is wearing something or other. Becky has only nice things to say about Kara Saun's outfit, which she says she would happily wear every day in the winter. She liked the pants, and she liked the Batman belt. Asked what he thought of Jay's, Michael says, "I liked it, but I thought it was so butch!" It would be interesting to see whether he'd still have felt that way if he'd, you know, seen it on a woman instead of on a man. They all think that the sweater looked terrific and polished, though. All Michael can say about Wendy's is "Oh, my God." He points out that she basically took the world's dowdiest outfit and made it even more "matronly." It's true; it really is. She pumped up the frump until she just couldn't pump the frump no more. He goes after the princess-seamed shirt, which is exactly the thing I hated most, because unless you have just the right sort of chest, that's not going to look nice on you at all. "This is just going to make every woman look like she's...nursing, sorry." And then Michael looks down at his notes and says, with both embarrassment and delight, that he wrote down that he thought Wendy's outfit was "farty." I find that hysterical, incidentally. I don't know exactly what "farty" means to Michael Kors, but he's totally right. Becky does like the fact that Wendy moved the pockets on the woman's shirt down close to the waist, rather than up on the chest. Michael insists that -- pockets, schmockets -- Wendy's was his least favorite.
But nobody is happy about Robert's, either. Michael proclaims it "boring," while Becky says she wouldn't feel comfortable in it. Furthermore, she says that the "cutesy little waistline with the darts" wouldn't work, because it's too flat and has nowhere to hang anything. Heidi also calls out the shirt as clearly an underdeveloped afterthought, which is fairly clearly true. Nina simply thinks Robert "has no business being here."
Once the decision has been made, the designers are brought back. Kara is told that she has won yet another challenge, and the happy-strummy music takes her offstage. Kara tells us that she liked winning this challenge, and that she only needs one more to get to Fashion Week. up, Jay learns that he was a close second, and they send him off. Austin goes offstage , with a simple "You're still in." So it's down to Wendy and Robert. Heidi tells them that they're the bottom two, and that one of them will be out in a minute. She tells Wendy that she didn't do nearly enough to make the uniform more stylish, and tells Robert that his was too casual and seemed unfinished. Robert and Wendy sweat. Sweat, Wendy, sweat! "Wendy," Heidi says. "You're in." This means that Robert is history. He smiles gamely at the judges, and backstage, Jay tells Wendy she's "like a cockroach," with the unwillingness to die. Robert asks Becky whether the post office is hiring, and Heidi sends him home, calling him "very charming, though." Robert tells us that he was happy to make the final five, and backstage, he enjoys a group hug with the gang. He says he'll miss them. As he cleans up his workspace, he says that the experience was totally positive.
Farewell, Robert. I don't think women are as much like cars as you think they are, but I hope you find one that runs great and doesn't require too much in the way of regular maintenance. Hotcha!