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Oh, Lord, where to start with this episode?
So...there's a water shortage at Sona and things are looking bad for Lechero. The entire prison's in a bad mood, made worse only by the guy who's fomenting dissent. So Lechero's in a bad mood, and T-Bag is totally taking advantage of it.
Meanwhile, Michael and Mahone are in a race to extract Whistler. Michael's motive is to save Dr. Sara and Linc. Mahone wants to do it because he's found out that whoever kills Whistler will get a free pass out of jail. Unfortunately for Michael, Mahone gets to Whistler first.
On the plus side, Michael has a new Sucre: his new sidekick, who was tossed into Sona as a mere stripling and sees Michael as his ticket to the gold-paved streets of los Estados Unidos. Seeing as how the old Sucre is alive and kicking, this should be interesting when Sucre and Sucre Jr. inevitably meet up.
(And they will -- Sucre's alive, and evidently none the worse for wear despite bleeding all over Panama. He goes to kill Bellick, but Bellick tells him that he was lying about kidnapping Maricruz, and somehow, that makes it all okay. Sucre goes skipping off to find his ladylove. A chance encounter with Linc leads to a reality-check conversation, and in the end, Sucre breaks up with Maricruz because there's no realistic way for the two of them to be together. And to that I say ABOUT DARN TIME.)
Back to Sucre Jr....he is now Michael's go-to guy on the inside and helps Michael get the raw material he needs to miraculously blast the balky water pipes back into operation. That moist accomplishment earns Michael the custody of Whistler after Mahone's done all the hard work of dragging him out of the squalid sewers. It also earns him still more acrimony from T-Bag and Mahone, both of whom had their own reasons for wanting to see Michael remain on Lechero's really bad side.
However, the restoration of the water permits Lechero to remain in charge and drown his enemies so...win-win! Unless you're the guy who just got a few lungsful of cool, clear water, that is. Want more? The full recap starts right below!
We open with an exterior shot of Sona, then quickly move to the courtyard that serves as the prison's nerve center. We get miscellaneous shots of the inmates. The mystery of who painted all those murals is solved (it's some anonymous guy) and we switch over to Mahone, who is sitting and rocking back and forth as he mumbles to himself. T-Bag watches this.
We then switch to Bellick. Is there a sorrier sight than a filthy man lurching around in his no-longer-so-tighty-whiteys? He's wandering around the courtyard with his empty water glass, which leads us to…
…the lengthy queue where the inmates are waiting for their dipperful of liquid. Michael is waiting in line too, and only his little friend in the NBA jersey has the nerve to talk to him. After Michael reluctantly admits he's from Chicago, the kid pipes up, "Michael Jordan! Did you meet him?" Michael gives the kid an irritated glare and sighs, "It's a big city." Bellick lurches up and grunts, "Thanks for saving me a spot." Faster than Michael can say, "No cutsies!" another inmate's rushed over to enforce the line. Do you suppose Lechero appoints line monitors? Perhaps he's working on getting them a little belt and badge so they can also lead fire drills and write tardy passes for the inmates.
Bellick limps back to the end of the line; Michael resumes fidgeting, beating his glass against his hand in a rapid tattoo. Nervous tic, or sign that the cogs in his cranium are creaking along as he plans? His little sidekick doesn't care; he'd rather find out if Michael's ever scored with a blonde cheerleader. Michael absently says, "Yeah, sure," and ups the fidgeting to 11. His little sidekick congratulates Michael on his presumed coital coup.
Michael asks how long the water's been out, and we learn that it's been a year. The government sees no reason to address this, citing their adoption of Colin Powell's famous Pottery Barn rule of statesmanship. How is it that Amnesty International is not all over this, with the prison that routinely tosses out bodies and substitutes gladiatorial bouts for basic utilities?
Right after Michael and his little follower get their vessels filled, Michael tries to get the 411 on James Whistler. The news is not so good, according to the kid. And you know what? Seeing as this kid is basically performing the same expository role Sucre did in Season One, I am going to dub him…Splenda. He may play a similar role, but he is merely a sugar substitute. Anyhoodle, Splenda explains that everyone in the prison's looking for Whistler because "He killed the mayor of Panama City's son in a bar fight. The mayor's not happy…" Subsequently, Whistler got out of sight in a hurry.
Meanwhile, Lechero's number two thug from last week picks a fight with someone who evidently owes him money, and in the ensuing fracas ends up knocking over the water barrel. Lechero pulls the guy away, rolling his eyes all, Is it so UNREASONABLE to ask that my flunkies don't make things more DIFFICULT? The guy who was enforcing the no-cutsies rule in line is unhappy that his hard work was for naught. Lechero assures him more water's on its way, but has no real answer when Thirsty Angry Guy barks, "When?"
And then there's some more prison business -- Splenda has a visitor so he takes off to see what's what, Mahone glares resentfully at Michael drinking his water, Michael gives Mahone a look that's the ocular equivalent of flipping someone the bird with both hands. Michael noodles over his piece of paper one more time: "Versailles 1989 V. Madrid." We flash back to Michael getting the paper, and then he heads over to where Bellick's attempting to lick a little moisture out of the long-dry tap.
Michael leans against a convenient pillar. Bellick comes over and croaks a plea for some water. Michael will give it to him, but he'd like some information in return: where did the note come from and why? Bellick explains the rat-meat-for-errands exchange he and Whistler conducted. Michael would like to know why this skulking figure in the sewer wanted a note to get out. Bellick grunts, "He's nuts, that's why. Doesn't have all his faculties, living down in the sewers." Indeed -- let the semi-naked man covered in his own filth speak truth to power about other people's fitness in Sona.
And oh lord, we are back in the festering cesspits where Wheeler lives. Michael finds the nearest gap in the walls and whispers an introduction: "Whistler! My name is Michael Scofield. I was sent to get you out of here. I'm going to assume they told you I was coming -- or that someone was coming." "Speak up! I can't hear a word you say!" Whistler replies. Oh, not really. He is silent as the grave. Michael impatiently whispers, "Last chance! I'm not coming down here again!" I don't blame him one bit. Whistler finally speaks up with, "You're here to get me out of Sona?" Michael asks if Whistler's surprised, and Whistler introduces another plot complication: "It's going to be a bit difficult getting me out of this hole, seeing as if I go aboveground, and other inmates spot me, I'm a dead man." Michael's expression can best be read as Who isn't here in Sona, you big drama queen?
Credit time! There are a few sequences we haven't seen yet in these episodes. The one with Mahone shouting does not make me feel good about his prospects for getting out of prison.
After a pause where the commercials would be if I weren't watching this on iTunes (thank you, FOX, for maintaining a relationship with iTunes!), we resume the conversation between Michael and Whistler. Briefly: Michael will come back to fetch Whistler when the time is right. Whistler protests, "I won't make it, though." Michael snipes, "That's your problem, my friend. I've got problems of my own." Whistler asks if Michael works for "these people, the ones who want me out of Sona," and Michael totally avoids answering that question. Whistler persists, "Why do they want me out of here so badly? Can you at least tell me that?" Michael rolls his eyes and answers, "Is this the part where you tell me you're innocent and you're just a pawn in all this?" Channeling the same urgent sincerity that Scofield has occasionally conjured for skeptics, Whistler replies, "If they told you anything about me before you came here, you'd know that to be true. I just want to know what they want with me." Michael bluffs by fiercely repeating, "Stay put!"
Meanwhile, in Panama City, Linc is about to meet his lady contact in the same bar where they first clapped eyes upon one another. When he sits down, he is on the receiving end of a monologue that is supposed to radiate sangfroid, but sounds more like someone spent a lot of time rehearsing in front of the ladies' room mirror before walking back into the bar: "In an effort to save some time, I'm going to have to insist that we just skip right past all the threats I know you're prepared to lay out: should anything happen to Sara or L.J., you'll scour the Earth and hunt me down, and rip the heart from my chest and bop-bop-bop. [pause for effect] I absolutely know how you feel. As would I. Okay? So that's done. On to business." She confirms that Michael got the first message, then tells Linc they'll meet here every day for progress reports. Then we learn that this woman is more demanding than most fun-hating sitcom wives, up to and including Debra Barone: "When I call your cell phone, answer. Don't ask me stupid questions. Don't waste my time."
Linc -- who really does manage to channel that cool menace this woman wishes she had -- doesn't bother replying with a "yes, ma'am." He wants a photo of Dr. Sara and L.J. to confirm their continued survival. Linc asks why the One World Conspiracy decided to pick on them. The woman explains, "I'll answer that question so you can put it to bed and focus on your work. There's a political spotlight on Whistler due to the nature of his crime. Raids, bribes, what-have-you are not an option. We have to go in through the back door." All those who think Whistler may have tried to put himself in prison Scofield-style so he could escape the long arm of the One World Conspiracy, raise your hand. …Gosh, you're paranoid. Then Linc asks for more time, but that's not going to happen.
So then Linc finally turns to the woman and asks, "What's your name?" She introduces herself as "Susan B. Anthony." I don't know what I love more: proof that the One World Conspiracy, for all its other flaws, doesn't acknowledge a glass ceiling? Or the possibility that Susan B.'s part of a cell of feminist conspiracy stooges who took their noms de guerre from America's great feminists? Oh, please let us meet Victoria Woodhull as a conspiracy stooge gone off the reservation! Let us learn that Lucrecia Mott and Elizabeth Cady Stanton are busy writing memos about Project Seneca Falls back at One World Conspiracy HQ!
Linc continues, "I'm assuming you weren't born by immaculate conception…family trees being what they are, moms, dads, brothers, sisters. Anything happens to my son or Sara, I'm not coming after you, Susan." Susan replies, "You'll be going after yourself, after we reveal that I'm your half-sister by Aldo. So ha ha! We got you coming and going." (I am totally making that up, by the way. But this show is so twisty-turny, I would not put it past the showrunners to reveal some secret connection between Susan and the brothers.) Actually, Susan just tells him to get to work.
And now -- oh my gosh, it's Sucre! And he's not a sunburnt, bloodless husk on a street somewhere. He's nicely dressed and busy procuring a gun and bullets from a local shop in Panama City.
Then we're back inside Sona, and Michael's back in the relatively fresh air of the courtyard. Mahone notices Michael's reappearance. Everyone else is listening to the angry bald prisoner who's busy pointing out that Lechero's flunky is the one who's responsible for the sudden water shortage, but he'll likely see no consequences for it. Mahone is still watching Michael's perambulations, but Splenda is giving Mahone a really intense look.
Inside the prison, Bellick gets rebuffed from a begging attempt and decides to displace the bullying by raising Michael's stress level. He asks why Michael's so interested in Whistler, and Michael whispers, "No reason." Bellick bellows, "Why are you whispering, college boy?" Bellick has the opposite of what you'd call "survival instincts," doesn't he? Michael whirls around and points that out, asking, "I'm sorry, do you have any other friends in here besides me?" Bellick whines that friends don't let friends run around crash-dieting in the near-nude. Michael snaps that he'll help Bellick when he feels like getting to it. Unfortunately, the hunger seems to have sharpened Bellick's thinking, and he realizes that if Michael wants information about the guy in the gutters, other people probably do too.
Back in the courtyard, Splenda is explaining to Mahone that "[the] mayor get a message to Lechero: he say if Whistler guy gets killed here in Sona, whoever kills him gets to go to court, gets to see a judge, the judge is friendly with mayor." Mahone's all, "Kill someone and go free, you say? Eh…I've killed people for worse reasons." During this exchange, Splenda has sussed out that Mahone's not as much of a friend to Michael as he said he was. Mahone heads off, and Splenda gets a very thoughtful look.
Outside, it's the real thing, baby. Sucre has come to visit Bellick, and he looks shocked at what has become of the big bully. Bellick begs Sucre to get him out of the prison, but Sucre only wants to know where Maricruz is. Bellick says, "Maricruz, she's good. She's okay, but I'm not telling you anything until you get me out of here." Sucre refutes the idea of quid pro quo at the end of a gun barrel. Bellick shakily protests, "You shoot me, you'll end up inside this hellhole." Is it wrong that I'm kind of rooting for that? It's a Michael/Sucre reunion -- how fun would that be? Sucre tells Bellick he really doesn't care, as with Maricruz out of his life, he has nothing to lose. Bellick realizes he has nothing left to bargain with, and frantically bleats, "I never had her! At that house in Mexico, I chased your aunt and Maricruz off. I told 'em I'd lock 'em up for accessory if they didn't hightail it. I swear to God! …I ripped [Maricruz's crucifix] off her before she ran. There was no phone in that dump, so I knew you wouldn't be able to call from the road to make sure I wasn't lying. I conned you!"
Sucre is giddy with the news. He wants to know where Maricruz might be, and Bellick's all, "She's picking grapes! I have no idea! Now just lower the barrel, put the gun down." Because he is not the spiteful, petty type who might wing Bellick in the shoulder as payback, Sucre does. Bellick begs Sucre to call his mom and help him out, but Sucre's got a grape-picking lady to fetch. He sprints off without a backward glance. Karma, yo.
Down in Sona's sewers, Mahone is busy looking for Whistler. It does not take long for him to track the man down by his cough.
On the surface world, Michael and Linc are having their daily visit. Michael confirms that he's found Whistler, but quickly descends into mopeyness. Linc's idea of motivation is "C'mon man, c'mon man, we've gotta keep moving. What's the play?" Michael tells him, "Whistler got a note out on a dead body yesterday. I don't know what it means or who it's for, but we need all the leverage we can get." Also, Michael needs some money. Linc quickly passes him some before the guards get shirty. Michael steps back and frets, "No one's ever broken out of this place before, let alone with a week to plan it. So you tell these people, whoever it is who took Sara…and my nephew…you tell them I get it. And I'm going to do everything I can. I'm going to break this guy out of here, or I'm going to die trying, and if it's the latter, that should count for something, right? That's got to count for something. You tell them that." Because he is not inherently snotty, Linc does not reply, "Why don't you tell them yourself? I'm sure you get great sound projection up on that cross you just climbed." He simply says he'd swap places in a minute. Given the horrible stuck-in-the-middle position Linc is in, I'm not sure the sentiment is as comforting as he means it to be.
Down in the gutters, Mahone is trying to coax Whistler out by means of the pry bar he just picked up, as well as sweet nothings like, "You're not safe here. I can take you someplace that is." Whistler begs Mahone to help him by going away. Mahone would rather begin demolishing the wall that hides Whistler from the rest of the prison. We go to where the commercials would be if I were not watching this on my MacBook. Once again: thank you, FOX, for a rare instance of rationality.
And when we come back, the throbbing acoustic chords we all associate with the Sucre-in-love plotline are back in full treble. That's nice. Because you know what this show needs? A third season of Sucre lobotomized by his inexplicable love for Maricruz. Linc is walking down the street when he sees Sucre chatting on a pay phone, and he calls his name. Sucre looks up and blinks, blinded by the light gleaming off Linc's sternum, then quickly remembers his manners. Linc blurts out, "Michael's locked up." Sucre is taken aback. Linc says, "I need your help. We're -- we're in a bad spot." Sucre replies, "I feel for you, man, but I'm done with bad spots. I'm going to go see Maricruz. I just talked to my cousin Petey and he told me she's back over in Chicago." And, one presumes, in central booking, as the FBI would be super-interested to know all about her time on the run with a high-profile escaped convict. Or have they dropped that manhunt in favor of looking for their own rogue agent?
Linc reminds Sucre he's still wanted in Chicago, but the syllables penetrate Sucre's haze of pink hearts and cupids as "mwa WAH wah ah." Linc goes to say something, but finally settles for telling Sucre that if he changes his mind, he can find Linc at the Plaza del Sol. Sucre's all, "No, this is pretty much goodbye." As he goes to board a bus, Linc finally blurts out, "Listen to me! The innocent people in your life, you have to keep them innocent. If that means walking away from them, that's what you gotta do." This lesson brought to you by the Aldo Burrows school of parenting. Sucre is all, "Yeah…no. Nice knowing you." As his bus pulls away, Linc notices an ad for the Banco de Versailles. Miracle of miracles, Linc remembers the note Michael passed along to him. And then we quickly transition to the shrieking lady from last episode, and she's off to the same bank.
Cut to T-Bag clumsily trying to peel a mango. Lechero's dumb henchman (the one who is responsible for the brawl that knocked over the water) asks irritably, "Have we had our fun with him yet? He's useless, man." Lechero's all, "I don't see you cutting me any mango slices." He then finally rips into Sammy, pointing out that if it weren't for him, the angry buzz-cut inmate guy Wyatt wouldn't be busy fomenting dissent in the courtyard below. Sammy is surprisingly indifferent to Lechero's irritation., so Lechero summons T-Bag to go hand out a little water from a two-gallon jug. Sammy gives T-Bag a look, and I believe we've just seen the conception of an ugly little enmity. (Oooh, I feel so dirty.)
T-Bag strolls through the corridors with the water. Surprisingly, his back does not bristle with the shivs planted by thirsty and desperate inmates. Bellick tries his begging routine on T-Bag, and T-Bag snaps, "Boy, you gonna be drinking your own urine before you get any of this." Bellick doesn't want water; he wants to talk to Lechero. T-Bag tells Bellick to scamper away. Bellick protests that he's got something. T-Bag shoots back, "Oh, yeah. You got yourself the untouchable status. I could get myself killed just talking to your mangy ass." Bellick protests that he's got information.
Mahone, on the other hand, has a crowbar and a slightly wider hole in the wall. Whistler watches the bricks fall in and cringes.
We cut to Bellick limping into Lechero's office, T-Bag skulking behind him. The goons spring into action: two hold back Bellick and as Sammy grabs a baseball bat, he says, "Pick a kneecap." Bellick cries, "I got information! I just want food and clothing!" Lechero calls off the goons and strolls over, telling T-Bag, "This better be informative, 'cause your kneecap's ." T-Bag gulps and explains that it's related to Whistler. Bellick begs, "I just want food and clo --" "Just tell him, idiot," T-Bag barks. And that is how Lechero's crew learns that Whistler's in the sewers.
Frankly, I'm surprised at T-Bag's conduct here. Has he forgotten that Bellick is the man who tied him to a chair, tortured him, and left him for the cops? I mean, sure, he escaped and framed Bellick for murder twice, but T-Bag has never really come across as someone who lets go easily. I wonder if this is merely his way of ensuring that Bellick owes him one, and he'll be demanding payment later.
We then cut to a brief scene where T-Bag goes to deliver the water and gets mobbed in the process. Splenda watches the whole thing. Michael comes over right then and chats up the lad; he's allegedly been in Sona for four years, since he was 13. Michael confirms, "As far as you know, no one's ever broken out of this place, except maybe this Whistler guy?" Splenda replies, "You Americans ask a lot of questions." Michael notices a bunch of Lechero's men walking through the entrance that leads down into the sewers, and then Bellick comes out, clad in weightlifters' pants, a grimy tee, and shoes, nd munching a sandwich. Michael whispers, "Oh, no…" and rushes off.
Down in the gutters, Mahone is taking a multipronged approach to negotiating with Whistler: begging nicely on one hand, and grabbing the guy by the shirt and yanking with the other. Whistler begs, "I have a family." "So do I," Mahone replies. He hauls Whistler to his feet and begins dragging him. Just then, Lechero's crew comes down with a lamp. Mahone raises the crowbar menacingly, holding Whistler against a wall with his other hand. Michael walks into the middle of all this and looks around in dismay; we get a tight close-up of Mahone saying, "He's coming with me." As, I would hazard, are any number of willing viewers there, Mahone. Stopping looking so attractive and evil! And…pause for commercial break.
Michael advances on Mahone and asks, "You don't actually think that killing someone's going to help you get out of here?" Mahone concedes, "It does seem pretty strange. But this is a really strange place. One that I want to get out of." Michael says he'll help Mahone: "I'll testify for you, whatever it takes." Mahone says, "Wow! Look at that halo. It just appeared over your head." Ha! Mahone, you're not quite up to Kellerman's levels of mordant wit and trenchant observation, but you show promise. Anyway, the dialogue here more or less disintegrates into Mahone telling Michael that maybe he shouldn't have been such a swotty little so-and-so the day before, and boy, shouldn't he be sorry now. Michael gives him a hurt look and whispers intently, "Let me help you, Alex." We cut to Whistler looking around all, What the HELL is going on? Eating rats is nowhere on the Scale of Weird compared to this. And then he makes a break for it. Mahone fends off all other would-be pursuers; Michael heads back to the surface world.
Lechero's getting touchy because, inexplicably, a bunch of parched inmates are not too sore-throated to shout insults and boos in his general direction. Michael walks in and says he needs to talk to Lechero, and Lechero snaps, "Don't ever walk in here without being called." Michael replies, "I'm sorry, but it's worth a breach in etiquette." Lechero doubts that. Michael makes a staggeringly ineffective sales pitch: instead of saying, "I'm a structural engineer and can MacGyver you a whole new water source," he merely gets cryptic with "there are ways I can help you. Just take the bounty off Whistler." Lechero laughs about this. His five consecutive life sentences more or less guarantee he's staying in Sona, and he sees no reason to deprive another man of a chance for freedom. Michael blurts, "I need you to trust me." Lechero laughs at that and says, "I don't know you good enough, bruddah." He calls for "Teodoro" and T-Bag sidles in with an unctuous "¿Si patron?" Lechero asks if Michael is trustworthy, and T-Bag spits, "He's a snake. He stabbed me in the back every chance he got." Something about that delivery totally channels Babs from Animal House and her "That boy is a P-I-G, pig." Lechero gives T-Bag a look before saying bemusedly, "A snake who will stab a man in the back?" You can tell he's thisclose to asking, "Does he hold the knife in his coils? Or his tail? How does that work, exactly?" However clumsy T-Bag's slanderous rhetoric, it provides a fine cover for Lechero to blow off Michael.
Michael hustles through Wyatt's riot and finds Splenda. He hands him the fat wad of cash Linc gave him, and asks Splenda to bring him all the moonshine he can. Splenda replies, "It's not the time for [a] party, bro," and Michael is all, "It's not the time for smart-mouthing, bro -- bring me the booze, pronto."
We then cut to the Banco de Versailles, where we see that "V. Madrid" is actually banking representative Vera Madrid, and she's meeting with the fair young maiden who has Whistler's other note. And that's the story of "Versailles V. Madrid," I think. We learn that the young lady is Sofia Lugo, and she's James Whistler's girlfriend. She better hope that Whistler's not upgraded to a series regular -- things have a funny way of happening to the girlfriends on this show. Just ask Veronica, or Dr. Sara. Oh, wait. You can't. Linc looks over casually from his spot in the bank lobby. Meanwhile, we see that Sofia's a signatory on the Whistler safe deposit box (number 1989) and Vera Madrid brings her the box.
Outside, Sucre is sitting on a bench to another young woman who's rocking her baby. Sucre leans over and beams radiantly at the baby, and says in Spanish, "She's beautiful." Oh man, Sucre, I think you just made women across America spontaneously ovulate. Sucre begins to make small talk about how his girlfriend is pregnant and he's going to see her, but the presence of two armed guards causes him to clam up and act so shifty, it raises the guards' radar and skeeves out the young mother. When she walks off, the music throbs and we see that Sucre has just realized that he'll be spending the rest of his life looking over his shoulder.
Then we return to the sewers, where Whistler is trying to escape Mahone. It is not going well, as Mahone's right there to him, trying to persuade him to come up.
Meanwhile, on the surface world, Michael is busy twisting a long rope -- or fuse -- out of his cotton bedsheet. Splenda comes in with a big bucket of murky-looking liquid. I wouldn't drink out of that on a bet, and I spent high school getting hammered on Sun Country wine coolers. Two-liter bottles of Sun Country wine coolers. That should tell you how vile that liquid looks. Michael then asks for lots of plastic bags. Splenda says sadly, "You didn't get [the booze] for to party, did you?" Maybe it's a party ending in autoerotic asphyxiation, Splenda. Did you ever think of that? Michael begins soaking the cotton in the gin.
At the bank, Sofia looks in the box and asks, "Is that all?" before scooping up the disappointing (yet hidden) item and walking out of the bank. Linc tails her. Outside the bank, he engineers a meet-cute, then quickly cuts to business: "You can lose the whole grieving-widow thing. You're Whistler's girl, right?" Sofia tries to walk off, and Linc says, "I gotta do something, all right?" "Do what?" Sofia asks. That would be "snatch your purse," lady. Sofia threatens to call the cops; Linc calls her on that. He pulls out a battered book titled "Birds of the Northwest Hemisphere." It has what appears to be a spoonbill on the cover; interestingly enough, the Platalea family of birds is also quite common in the southern hemisphere as well. However, Linc's interests are not at all aviary; he'd like to know why Whistler wants the book. Sofia claims to have no idea, as Whistler's just a fisherman. Linc snarls, "Tell your fisherman friend Scofield's brother has this." As he leaves, Sofia inquires loudly, "Why won't you people just leave him alone?"
Linc wheels around and lets her have it: "You think we want to be forced into this? You think we want to be here, lady?" Sofia's all, "Huh, what?" Read the recaps, missy! Catch up! They split; the middle-aged white dude stooge who offered Scofield the deal last week watches them go.
Back in his cell, Michael layers the plastic bags into one bag, puts in the fuse, and pours in the rest of the booze. Splenda frets about how Michael has enemies and says, "What I did for you, getting you those things…" Michael assures him that nobody will ever know. He takes his bucket and his bomb and walks back across the courtyard. Michael is supremely indifferent to the prison riot; I guess once you've lived through one, you're all, "Been there, done that."
Mahone is busy dragging Whistler through the sewers toward the courtyard. He uses his pry bar to keep Lechero's flunkies at bay, warning, "You can have him, but two of you will die in the process." The guys all remember that Mahone got deadly with someone the day before, and decide they have better places to be.
In another part of the sewers, Michael is trudging along, using his free hand to feel along the pipe at the top. He finds an L-shaped bend and moves into a hitherto-unexplored room.
Wyatt is leading a prison protest against Lechero and tossing rocks through Lechero's windows. We hear a tinkle of glass and Lechero rolls his eyes, no doubt wondering where he's going to find a glazier. Sammy begs for a chance to go down and slit just one throat. He figures that'll quiet 'em down. T-Bag helpfully adds that the inmates will regroup afterward, with a real reason to go after Lechero. Sammy waves his knife at T-Bag, and T-Bag gives him a flat, cold stare. All you who expect these two to get stabby with one another soon, raise your hands.
Lechero's phone finally rings and he tells his police/military contact on the outside that they've got a little problem of no water. The officer is not all that sympathetic -- "I guess it's too bad there are no more guards in there with you, huh? You could take hostages, have a riot, make demands…" Lechero winces. The police promise to deliver water in two days. And if Lechero gets lippy with him again, "You're not going to see water for two weeks." Lechero looks troubled.
Meanwhile, Michael is in a pump room, unfastening the lid on a pipe and feeding his bomb into it. We get the bomb's-eye view of the obstructed pipe. Michael lights the fuse -- with some difficulty -- as we cut to Mahone emerging in the courtyard with Whistler. He's swinging his pipe and holding everyone at bay. Sammy comes in and frets to Lechero, "They got Whistler."
And we've got a pause where commercials would go. When we get back, Mahone is still swinging his pry bar (which, on further inspection, would appear to be a length of pipe, so…that is some hard-core deltoids workout he's got going on) and fending off the other prisoners. Lechero rolls on over, somehow avoiding any sort of physical harm despite being surrounded by thirsty, rioting inmates who all blame him personally for their parched mouths. Lechero looks at the Mahone/Whistler tableau and says, "I'll decide this." "You'll decide nothing!" Wyatt snarls. Everyone takes a big step back from the two men. As Wyatt says, "You can't deliver, Lechero. You're done here," we get a shot of the fuse gradually burning down to the bomb in the pipes. There's a subterranean explosion that gets everyone's attention, a low and persistent rumble builds up…and then water bursts out of the dry faucet Bellick had been trying to lick earlier. There is much moist celebration on the inmates' part.
We cut to Lechero's face. He's quick on the uptake, so he realizes Michael somehow did this. Michael walks up from the pump room, sweaty and exhausted. Lechero looks from Mahone to the wrung-out Michael. We get a cut of the rest of the prisoners positively wallowing in the mud and water, all thought of overthrowing Lechero gone.
Mahone asks, "Now what? What do we do?" T-Bag hovers behind Lechero nervously. Michael focuses the Blue Steel on Lechero to make sure he understands who brought the water back. Lechero smirks at Mahone and tells him, "You've been outbid." Mahone does not take this well. Lechero comes over, smiles at Michael, and says, "Yes, very useful." And here is a tiny but fundamental flaw in casting: when Robert Wisdom smiles, he has such charisma that you can't help but root for whatever it is he wants. Yet…he appears to be set up in opposition to Michael. See my problem? We see the distracted inmates breaking into an impromptu Esther Williams number. Lechero repeats, "Very useful." Michael asks if Whistler's in the clear from the death threats, and Lechero tells him, "Free as a blue sky, bruddah." He smiles some more. I believe I have just found my replacement for Kellerman in the "villain you love to hate and hate to love" category. So long, Paul!
Lechero walks off, grinning (awww!) (yes, it's wrong. DON'T JUDGE). Mahone collapses in a fit of despair. Whistler trembles on the ground, whether from nerves, adrenaline, or the shock of breathing air that isn't practically a soup of solid nitrogen and fecal coliforms.
Meanwhile, on the outside, Sucre calls a very flat-stomached Maricruz. And finally -- FINALLY -- Sucre enters the reality-based community and tells Maricruz that so long as he's a hunted man, it's not practical for the two of them to be together. I suppose it's all very sad and moving except that honestly…she's a dullard and she lowers his IQ by 50 points, so perhaps if she's out of his hair (or the shiny place on his scalp where his hair used to be), Sucre will maybe not be so transcendently addled. Anyway, he promises her that "One day, when I get my life together, however long that takes, I'll find you. I'll find you and I'll make you and our baby proud." Would that be your imaginary baby? What? I'm just saying, Maricruz looks the opposite of pregnant, is all. Oh, then there is weeping and they love each other so much, but really, this is over until such time as the producers decide it's on again.
Linc rolls back into his hotel room, and Susan B.'s waiting for him all, "You know, they told me your brother got all the brains, but I didn't realize you were this stupid." She's peeved over his little scene with Sofia, and tells him to back off. Linc asks why, and Susan pulls a gun and says, "Because I said so." Lady, if you're threatening him with a gun now, you're just going to have to top yourself when you really need to make a point. Linc thinks so too. Susan wants whatever Linc took off Sofia; Linc claims he has nothing. Susan tells him, "I've got a gallon of bleach, a hacksaw and a tarp in the trunk of my car. One hour, you're off the face of the earth." Well, parts of him, yes. The liquid part of him might linger for a while. Linc makes a big and elaborate show of reluctantly handing over the bird guide. Susan heads out. Linc rolls his eyes in contempt as she goes. After she flounces out, we see him pull the real guide out of another pocket in his cargoes, thinking, "STUPID SUSAN! LINCOLN AM NOT THE DUMB."
We switch to Lechero playing with the beads around his neck. Once they're back on, we see him gesture, and two of his goons bring in Wyatt, who is squealing and retching in fear. It is a truly horrible noise, but nobody in that room is moved to pity. Instead, Lechero stands up and tells the sobbing man, "Since it's water you want, here's your water." And then his goons shove the gibbering Wyatt into a galvanized tub full of water. We hear the quiet and awful sound of bubbles fading…
…then move onto joyous splashing as the inmates frolic at the faucet outside. Whistler is now squeaky-clean and surprisingly good-looking (to quote my friend MaryLynn: "That Whistler guy went from sniveling weenie to hot male model type awfully fast!"). He thanks Michael for the water and the reprieve from a messy death, then asks, "How are we getting out of here?" Michael replies, "I have no idea." And the ominous music plays us out to the end of the episode.